Denied

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Denied

by Karen Page

 

Tina, with tears streaming down her face and her heart shattered, parked the car into a deserted car park. During the day, this was a beauty spot, with breath taking views of the surrounding area. Till midnight, it was a spot for lovers. At two in the morning, it was desolate.

She got out the hosepipe and secured it inside the exhaust pipe, padding the gaps with an old sock so the fumes would travel up the pipe. The other end she pushed through the front passenger window and blocked the gap with a damp towel. She did this with a painful determination, no longer willing to hope.

Climbing into the driver's seat, she firmly shut the door and locked it. Tina opened the glove compartment, removed an envelope and placed it on the passenger seat in full view. There was a single word "Yvonne" placed in shaky handwriting on its cover. Tina placed her right hand on the keys that were already in the ignition and, taking a final deep breath of fresh air, turned on the engine.

Tina's final journey had started.

"This is the only way," said Tina to herself as she waited for the effects to start. It would have been quicker if this had occurred in the garage but that might have been discovered. No, here was the best place. This place that is so desolate, which matched her soul.

For the last five years, Jason had been the top trouble-shooter in the company. When he'd told his bosses about his medical condition they were shocked but supportive, as any good boss should be. Within a month, more menial tasks were being assigned and Jason was moved into a mundane position that would be the first to go in any cutbacks. A month later, Tina replaced Jason in the company. Three months after, Tina was one of the twelve that were surplus to requirements.

With a sigh mixed with sorrowful tears for her shattered dreams, Tina looked across the valley and the vast amount of twinkling lights. They didn't seem as clear as earlier, or maybe it was just wishful thinking. The air in the car smelt horrible and try as she might, Tina couldn't help coughing as the fumes filled her lungs. The end was getting closer. She removed her gaze from the lights below and checked that the precious envelope was still beside her, awaiting the person to find the car. All Tina had to do was open a window or the door and nobody would know. The thought crossed her weakening mind but she fought against the desire.

Tina was finding it hard to concentrate, her mind kept wandering. To focus her mind she pulled out a picture of Yvonne and their two young children. Helen was two and Jayne just four. Four last Saturday, remind Tina to herself, and I wasn't allowed to come to the party. Since Yvonne had emotionally asked Tina to leave, she had been denied access to see her children. Yvonne wouldn't even acknowledge phone calls or letters. Without a job, Tina had no money to fight for access.

Tina began to feel weak and light headed. No longer could she cough up the fumes from her lungs. Her time was rapidly coming to an end. With one last effort she unlocked the car door. If someone came they would be able to get her out. The darkness enclosed around her and she slipped into unconsciousness. Tina had stopped crying now; she was in the land of her dreams. Only someone driving past could now save her.

Nobody came.

At just past six the following morning Tina was found dead, the picture of Yvonne and the children on her lap.

* * *

"We are here to say our final farewell to Jason Paul Bishop," intoned the vicar, the coffin resting at the front of the church.

At the back of the church sat two ladies and a man. These were friends of Tina's that had stuck by her through the torture of the last few years. Becky, Tina's closest friend looked stunned at the vicar. She knew Yvonne had got Tina's letter otherwise she wouldn't have been notified of Tina's death. However, Tina's final dying wish, clearly stated in the envelope had been denied. Her dying wish to be buried as Tina, the person her soul dictated rather than Jason, the name given at birth.

During her thirty years of life, Tina had been denied. Now during death she was denied again. Only to be remembered by the few that knew the happy soul that Tina Francis Bishop was.

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Comments

This one truly hurts -

At many levels this story hurts me for each level represented in my mind, there is a friend I have lost to suicide. At seventy one (soon to be seventy two) I have lived a moderately long life and lost many friends to transgenderism's biggest enemies namely rejection, loneliness, denial, and abuse. We have our own four horsemen and our own apocalypse. Surviving those enemies is the life battle for all of us.
Beverly.

And yes, the cruellest cut of all is denying one their chosen name when burying them.

bev_1.jpg

how sad

Renee_Heart2's picture

what a sad & touching story.
Love Samantha Renee Heart

Love Samantha Renee Heart

Too painfully sad...

Andrea Lena's picture

...and I have to close my eyes and think twice; three times...that it's a story...a work of fiction...but the fourth time? All too real.

She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

its a hard old road the

its a hard old road the transgender road these thing happen

wonder how many cops armed

wonder how many cops armed forces guys who feel trans accidently shoot themselfs cleaning there guns?????

That's a good story... a very eerie story, too.

I have contemplated taking my own life, too -- using exactly that method, right down to the note on the front passenger seat. I even think about the possibility that this method is slow enough that someone might find me in time to stop me. That's what's so eerie about it.

People think suicide is selfish, but it's not. It's desperate, not selfish. What people don't understand is that when you get to that point (I know, I've been there and I keep ending up there) you're not thinking clearly. Where there is no clear thought, there can be no selfishness. The problem is that it's not hard to end up there before you realize you're there.

However, none of that changes the consequences of a suicidal act - and there are consequences, at least to those left behind.

This is what stops me from doing it. Well, that an one other thing. Knowing that I'm not alone also stops me, knowing that I have friends here who care. You have us, too, Karen.

Lisa

Powerful story

Jamie Lee's picture

What a powerful story, capturing in words what occurs in real life.

This story also shows that perceptions are more important than the welfare of the individual, the same people who are the backbone of any company. If they are not looked after, or treated as Tina was treated, then the company suffers loss and added expenses.

Others have feelings too.

I have read this short story

I have read this short story now on a couple of websites. It is still a sad tale.

The world is harsh and life does not always proceed down the path we would like. Sometimes, it is easier for one to change than the greater number. If we can not, then, all too often, we rebel against conformity further. Unfortunately, when our efforts fail to enact accommodation, our happiness succumbs into isolation. Suicide is the ultimate isolation, the final rejection of ourselves by none other than ourself.

R.I.P.

We know not what God wants of us because his message is too cruel to read. --Bishop

I am a grain of sand on a near beach; a nova in the sky, distant and long.
In my footprints wash the sea; from my hands flow our universe.
Fact and fiction sing a legendary song.
Trickster/Creator are its divine verse.

--Old Man CoyotePuma

Denied

This is so sad, but I am afraid so true. It is so hard to comment on this. It is my hope that these type pressures might someday pass. It is well written Karen and can make us all think and look out for others who may be hurting. Thank you for opening eyes.

Love,

Paula

Paula

Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.

The Coda
Chapterhouse: Dune

This is why I so often...

comptemplate how easily I could obtain the ingredients, from Wal~Mart and for less than $100, to make enough explosives to vaporize myself into component molecules. As I both have work at Wal~Mart *and* have a very bad case of hating me, this is a constant temptation

D. D. Weldons

This is why

D.D. don't ever lose hope there are people out there that can help. Sure life hurts. Everyone is hurt to some extent but life is also worth living. It is not impossible to find friends. It may not seem likely and it may be a stuggle but it is well worth the effort. Fight for every breath your are givin and never give the nay sayers their due.

Love,

Paula

Paula

Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.

The Coda
Chapterhouse: Dune

re: This is why...

Hi,

Life can hurt. I know that myself. Somedays are better than others, but life can and does get better. I hated myself and have taken an even more painful path to try and change things, to be happier with myself.

I hope you find your path in life, so that you can live with yourself.

Hugs

Karen

My Babe

erin's picture

Hard to comment, this is just a little too true. I just went through this with the death of my partner, Jeanne and the reactions of her family.

So many will conceal their contempt and hatred as 'doing the right thing', it's hard to forgive them.

Good story.

- Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Denied

Karen, wow what can I say.

Made my hair stand on end actually.

Gruesome, please don't ever think this way yourself.

Hugs
Joni

Dear Karen,

Dear Karen,

You are too good a writer for the sake of the reader. You manage to disturbingly touch places deep inside me. Be it this short story, or the longer "a strange attraction to concrete cows". My first reaction there was similar to most readers: it cannot end like this. But thinking more, it is the correct end. All you wanted to say has been said, anything more will not add but reduce the strenght of the story. The same you did here.
Thank you for your stories.
Kimiko

Sadness and hurting

That is what I feel after reading this.
You have me searching the deepest part of my sole and I find myself wanting to reach out and hold someone who is hurting like this.
Someone who needs to cry, and someone to cry with!
"WOW" its an inadiquite word, but its a word closest to describe the emotional rollercoaster that you have set off. All I can do is hang on and go for the ride.

Thank You, Karen

Konichiwa

DENIED

Hi Karen, Read your latest story. It brought to mind girl I knew who took same way out. It makes me sad the subject of your story felt that it was the only way out & that she could not discuss her problems with friends.

SHARPHAWLAD

SHARPHAWLAD (Sharp)

Denied

Karen, This was a very thought provaking story.

Denied

People say that harmming one self is an option. But it is. It is a viable option. No one understands the [ain that people have inside them. It is a real hurt and not just a case of "feeling sorry for one's self" as I have been told many times. I want to cry but the crying of the past has wore me out. I am tired and struggle every day. I related to what was so simply but perfectly written.

Too sad-too true

"If only", perhaps the two lamest words in the English vacabulary. An oxymoron, expressing hope and despair at the same time. As if our lives were really in our control. But they aren't. And we are suffered under the abuse of our companions whether they are well meaning or malicious, not only through life but even after as this story demonstrates, all too well. This story tells a lot more than what is written. Perhaps, because I imagine too much. But it is a good piece, a very good piece. It skipped the melodramatic and kept the narrative simple. The poor woman died, as she lived, keeping an opportunity open for hope but despairing in her loneliness. I wish there were another way. I wish.

I feel sorry for anyone who has felt that depressed........

because I've experienced it in its full myself. I never considered suicide though when I felt that low, because I loved (and still do) my family and friends too much to let them go and hurt them in such as fashion, so I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.

A close friend of mine from High School tried to take his own life earlier this year by running infront of a Semi-Trailer. He survived, but is likely to be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. I was so surprised at the time, as I had only talked to him hours before and he seemed fine.

What I guess I'm trying to say though is that no matter how hard it may get and when it appears that no-ones there, theres always someone who loves you for who you are and cares for you, no matter what the circumstances.

It is a sad truth

Hi Karen :)

Yes, this story hits too close to home for me.

I'm still hanging in there, work has cut back my work.

Have a friend in the hospital because she attempted to take her life.

Her spouse and two sons don't support her decision to be herself.

Hugs, Fran

Hugs, Fran

Life is often sooooo unfair

Hi Karen,

well written again and very touching. When I was younger and my fem self seemed unreachable I had similar thoughts. But then I was not sure my wish would have been respected. I know know my parents would have probably done it but I was not sure than and did not want to die male. I was also afraid it may hurt to much so was looking for a fast painless death. Then there was the thought it not working and with something like the car-death mentioned above I was afraid of just that reult to be even more helpless than before.

I always came to the point where I thought before I go in any way I want to be the girl I am inside. As I wrote you Karen I had some very rough times but had a lot of luck and now am who I am. Luckly I am accepted as Holly be all around me so its all the sader to see Tina go when she was on her way. Why does live have to be so cruel.

Bad enough we were born in the wrong bodies but so much rejection just tops it of. I think the last years and the public being more aware of us has already helped and will help further. Hopefully some day in the future Tina would not have had die anymore.

Well I go try my tears now as I always cry with your stories.

hope all turns out perfect for you and all others in that situation

hugs

Holly

Friendship is like glass,
once broken it can be mented,
but there will always be a crack.

Friendship is like glass,
once broken it can be mented,
but there will always be a crack.

I cried --- AGAIN

Hope Eternal Reigns's picture

Lovely writing Karen.

Thank you.

with love,

HER

with love,

Hope

Once in a while I bare my soul, more often my soles bear me.

The really sad part about this story

is that it's true. The details change, but it keeps happening.

I cried the last 10 minutes. I cried for Tina, and for so many others.

Linda