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Lorin figures out another way of attending the summer ending cotillion with the girls of Camp Shoni! Camp Shoni
Part 7 (Final)
Copyright © 2004,2011,2013 Pamela
All Rights Reserved.
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Image Credits: Pictures purchased and licensed for publishing from 123rf.com.
The model(s) in this image is in / and are no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model(s) use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character(s) of this particular story. ~Sephrena
Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.
Author's Note: This second edition of Camp Shoni replaces the 16 previously posted chapters at both Crystal's Story Site and a few other archive sites and is revised and with 5 new chapters. ~Pamela.
Historical Versions: Originally posted at Crystal's Storysite in 2004, and Fictionmania in 2011. ~Sephrena.
Legalities: Archiving and reposting of this story *unchanged* is permitted provided that: 1) You must have contacted the author, Pamela, and have asked permission first and received said permission to host this particular work. 2) No fee be charged, either directly or indirectly (this includes so-called "adult checks") or any form of barter or monetary transfers in order to access viewing this work *and* (3) PROVIDED that this disclaimer, all author notes, legalities and attribution to the original author are contained unchanged within the work. 4) The author of this work, Pamela, must be provided free account access at all times the work is hosted in order to modify or remove this work at her sole discretion.
The characters, situations, and places within this work are fictional. Any resemblance between actual people (living or dead), places, or situations is entirely coincidental.
This work is the copyrighted material of the respective author. ~Pamela.
Chapter 19
Just before six that afternoon Lauren and the girls were dressed back in their gowns and the final preparations for the evening had been made. Lauren was now perfumed to her own satisfaction and felt wonderfully alive and ravishingly pretty in her dress. The excitement shared by the bunnies in her cabin was infectious and the girls were enormously relieved when Marilyn signaled it was time to leave for the cotillion. The girls filed out of the cabin and made their way carefully in their high heels along the paved paths to the recreation center.
There was a soft, gentle breeze that rustled the skirts of the girls as they walked. Lauren felt the air travel up around her stockings underneath her dress and cause her skirts to puff out around her and rub smoothly against her thighs. She delicately rested her hands on her skirts to make sure that they didn't blow up around her exposing her petticoats or pantyhose. As she and the others passed some of the cabins where the younger girls stayed, Lauren could see them lined up outside admiring the older girls as they headed off to the cotillion. Many of the girls exclaimed and pointed when Lauren came by. Her dress had clearly caused a sensation among the young girls.
Unlike the more informal dances during the preceding weeks, the boys were to come in age order form the oldest to the youngest. As each group came they would find their dates if they had them and enter the hall. This meant that Joan would link up with Fred, and Marcie - who had agreed to go with one of the older campers named Kevin - went in before Lauren and Thalia. The girls formed into a line that roughly matched when they expected their date to arrive.
At precisely six O'clock the first bus arrived to an audible cry of excitement from the girls. The boys descended off the bus wearing dark, formal suits of varying degrees of elegance. Some boys wore well tailored suits that made them look like young celebrities while others looked dorky as if they had never worn a suit before. Down the line of girls waiting for their dates, Lauren could see that Fred and Brian were among the first boys off the bus and they were both dressed superbly. Joan waved at Fred and Lauren was able to see him give her a kiss on the lips and then take her hand and quickly turn away to enter the ballroom.
Curious as to who Brian's date might be, Lauren was not surprised when she turned out to be one of the older girls. She was very pretty with long blonde hair and was wearing a white sheath dress. It was clear that Lauren had had no chance of getting a guy like Brian as long as she was competing against a girl like that. In any event, regardless of whatever remaining feelings she might have for Brian, she was more than happy to be with Peter and she couldn't wait until he showed up.
It wasn't long before the last of the buses arrived and Lauren and Thalia got to see Peter and Owen step down off of it looking for their dates. Both were dressed in fine dark suits and Lauren was quite pleased to see how nicely trim and suave Peter looked in his suit. His shoes were polished and shiny and she loved the light blue tie he was wearing. Best of all, she had the chance to see his face the moment his eyes landed on her and the unbelievable recoil of excitement was undeniable. "Oh my God," he said as he rushed up to her and took her hands. "You are so unbelievably pretty!"
"Thank you, Peter!" She allowed Peter to feast his eyes upon her and then she said coyly, "Do you like my dress?".
"It's so cool and you're so beautiful in it!"
"I love your suit," Lauren said, "and it's a pretty tie."
"My parents insisted that I bring a good suit for the cotillion. I kept telling them that it was pointless, but now I think they must have been right."
"I hope you tell them that!" Lauren said. "I think you look really handsome in it and I'm glad you have it here."
They smiled at each other and then Peter said, "I guess we better go in." He put his hand on Lauren's back and gently guided her to walk with him. With her heels on, Lauren was an inch or two taller than she had been and now came up in height to about Peter's nose. Peter walked slowly next to her as she gracefully strolled forward in her high heels. Not far ahead were Thalia and Owen and Lauren could easily see how much in love with each other the two of them were.
Inside the hall there was a large dance space in the middle, a band had set up on a raised stage at the other end of the hall. To the left lining the wall was food and drinks. To the right were tables, chairs and here and there some comfortable seating in the form of groups of sofas and plush chairs. The lights were softened so as to add a romantic feel to the hall. Lauren was amazed to see just how fancy the decorations were. Though she had wanted to help with the preparations for the Cotillion, she had ended up being too busy on the play to be of assistance.
Now she had the chance to see the wonderful artwork that helped turn the otherwise mundane recreation building into a romantic ballroom from an earlier era. There were imitation gaslight sconces on the walls and large murals depicting French windows and balconies. The one discordant note was a large banner hung across one wall that said in large capital letters: "NO SHENANIGANS!" The campers understood what that meant since they had been coached by their counselors to know that no petting was allowed in the cotillion hall. The implication, never mentioned by the counselors or anyone else, was whether or not petting was allowed outside the cotillion. It was assumed by all that it was a question of "don't ask, so no one told you that you couldn't."
The combined effect of so many kids wearing nice clothes was impressive. It uplifted everyone's spirit and made them feel the night was very special - an evening that hearkened back to an earlier time when people focused on being elegant. Peter was more selfconfidant than he had been when he first met Lauren. Instead of being tentative and unsure of himself, he now very well played the role of a strong and distinguished suitor. Lauren was relieved and happy that Peter had been able to grow that way in their relationship, so now for this wonderful night Peter would be her prince charming. He would see to her happiness and provide the perfect backdrop for her romantic evening.
When Lauren thought of all the effort she had taken to prepare for the night, to get herself so perfectly dressed and made up it was especially gratifying that Peter appreciated her for her splendor. A girl this pretty deserved a confidant and attentive man.
The first few dances were fast and both Lauren and Peter took it easy dancing, not over-exerting themselves. They enjoyed the music but what they really were waiting for were some of the dreamy slow dances that would come as the night progressed. For her part, Lauren felt that with the kind of dress she was wearing it did not make sense to stir up her skirts too much or risk falling over on her high heels. It was also possible she would get a run in her pantyhose so it was best to dance demurely. In any event, it gave her more opportunity to look at the other kids. She could see Marcie and her date and Joan and Fred and several of the other girls in her cabin. The counselors were hanging out together watching the festivities with drinks in their hands.
Lauren and Peter sampled some of the food, carefully avoiding the possibility of dropping anything on their clothing. Eventually they connected up with Thalia and Owen and the four of them went to sit down on some sofas. Lauren and Thalia sat down together on one sofa with Lauren doing her best to keep her skirts under control. The two boys stood gazing at the girls uncertain as to what had just taken place. Lauren and Thalia at first pretended like nothing had happened and then they began giggling. "Are you going to stand all night?" Thalia said.
The two boys sat down on the other sofa clearly surprised at not being able to sit with their dates. Then Peter got back up and said "hey, the sign says no shenanigans so why are you shenaniganing?"
"Shenaniganing?" Thalia said laughing.
"It's the shenanigans on your mind that we're trying to stop!" Lauren added and Thalia nodded her agreement.
"Listen here Lauren Baxter, we just want to sit with you. They'll definitely be no shenanigans," Peter said.
"Peter's right, come on Thalia," Owen said, "time is passing!"
"What do you think Lauren?" Thalia said. "Should we let these boys sit with us?"
While Owen and Peter found the game fun, sitting close to the girls would be a whole lot more fun, so they could not help themselves from complaining.
Peter gently took Lauren's wrist and began pulling on her to get up. "Please sit with me. Pretty, pretty please."
"You poor boy," Lauren said.
Thalia said, "it doesn't look like they're going to take no for an answer."
"We won't", Owen said.
"Then I guess we have no choice," Lauren said as she stood up and let Peter direct her to sit down with him on the other sofa. Immediately Owen joined Thalia on hers. Lauren's skirts half covered Peter as he put his arm over her shoulder and turned his face toward hers.
His face was a few inches away from hers and they were looking deeply into each other's eyes. Lauren felt her chest contract and she became a little light headed. "No choice?" Lauren said in a faint voice looking into Peter's eyes.
"None," Peter said.
"Well then," Lauren said and she had to stop talking as Peter moved his mouth forward until it covered hers.
"No shenanigans," Lauren said feebly.
Immediately she felt Peter put his tongue in her mouth and they kissed.
A minute later they heard a voice next to them saying, "come on Peter and Owen, you know the rules!" It was one of the counselors from Camp Dan.
Both Peter and Owen, who had been intently kissing Thalia, broke off the kisses and looked at the counselor.
"Sorry!" Owen said.
"It won't happen again," Peter said.
The counselor laughed at them and walked on. Apparently the counselors meant what they said about no shenanigans.
"We can go outside," Peter said to Lauren.
"Let's dance. It's a little early for that," Lauren said. She knew for sure that she wanted to be "outside" with Peter, but she was scared to be in a situation with him where he might get her in a position where she couldn't stop him from what he wanted to do. It wasn't that Peter would hurt her in any way or make her do something she didn't want to do. It was that she found the combination of his strength and desire for her to be intoxicating: that her femininity could drive him to want her so bad. It was wonderful, Lauren had to admit to herself. Since the dance would end at midnight, she figured that if they went outside about 9 or 10 then things might not progress to a point beyond where she felt she shouldn't go.
"OK," Peter said. Her phrase "a little early for that," seemed to imply that she would go outside with him. He had not dared let himself even speculate that she would be willing for that to happen and now she had given him a definite suggestion that she would. On the other hand, he wondered when would be the right time to ask her a second time to go outside.
Lauren sensed his dejection and said, "come dance now and when the sun sets who knows?" A slow dance came on and Peter and Lauren began dancing. They were a beautiful couple together. Her pretty dress pushed into and back against his straight dapper figure. His mouth found hers again and they kissed. "No shenanigans" be damned, Peter thought to himself. For her part, Lauren surrendered herself to Peter and was content to let him make the decisions. In any event, it was hard to concentrate on anything other than the tongue that filled her mouth and upon which she gently suckled.
Once again Marilyn and Amy found themselves together viewing Lauren as she danced with Peter. Marilyn felt slightly titillated that she knew Lauren's big secret and Amy didn't. It was the perfect passive aggressive revenge for the fact that Amy had forced her to cancel "Oliver" in favor of "A Chorus Line."
"That Lauren is so cute," Amy said. "I must admit that I gave serious thought to just confronting her myself one day, but when you look upon someone like that, how can anyone question her sex? Did you ever see a girl who was so built for a pretty dress? I have to say I'm spellbound."
Oh God! Marilyn thought, how I would love to tell Amy the truth this very minute? Instead, she said, "she is a little princess. She was my favorite camper this summer." Marilyn watched as Peter kissed her. For the most part the counselors overlooked kissing while the kids danced as long as they did not grope each other or do some other inappropriate thing. In Marilyn's mind there was a gay element to what she was watching since she knew that it was two boys in the embrace. She wondered what Peter would do if he were to find out that Lauren wasn't exactly a girl. As the girls had said earlier, it's really only a technicality that Lauren is a boy. It was damn hard to find anything about him that was boy like. She would have to make a point of finding out what happened to Lauren after he got back home. Surely with those little boobs of hers, boobs that Marilyn could not figure out how she had developed, it would not take his parents long to figure out that their son was pretending to be a girl.
Marilyn had no way of knowing that Amy was also certain that "Lauren" was "Lorin." Camp Dan had recently given her a box full of letters written to Lorin Baxter from his parents, his girl friend Penny and a boy named Kenny. She had read them all and together they supported her suspicion. First of all the parents sent postcards the entire summer. How could they possibly not know which camp their kid was in? Secondly, the boy Kenny seemed to know exactly what camp Lorin was in and wrote as if he had written to him in prior years at the same place. How could he not know that Lorin was not enrolled at Camp Dan?
As far as Penny went, her first few letters seemed to suggest that she was unhappy that Lorin hadn't written to her. Then she sent a letter that said that she had met another guy that she really liked. It was basically a "Dear John" letter. Then she sent a letter saying that she had gotten some letters from Lorin but they seemed like he had never gotten her letters. After that Penny sent no more letters.
As much as Amy wanted to expose the truth about Lauren/Lorin, she decided that in view of how close it was to the end of the summer and the fact that the girls of Lauren's own cabin hadn't discovered the secret, there was no point in creating a huge ruckus. At this point Amy figured that Lauren's parents would figure it out, but Amy would play dumb and then the whole thing would blow past. Next year Amy might have to resort to checking the girls when they arrived at camp to verify that they were indeed girls. The thought made her laugh. She had to hand it to Lauren that he certainly was a brilliant actor. He was more feminine than any of the girls, and he seemed so sincere. On the other hand, she did not envy him the news about Penny dumping him which he'll only find out about when he came home.
As a slow dance ended, Lauren and Peter noticed that it had gotten dark outside. They had been about as close as two people could be slow dancing and Lauren felt that if Peter was to now lead her outside she wouldn't object. Lauren looked up and saw Peter staring outside and expected that any second he would take charge and they would go find a place where they could go to the "next level." Exactly what that level would be, Lauren could not say for sure. At the right moment she hoped that she would see clearly what she wanted to do and was able to do.
Before Peter and she could decide what their next move should be Marcie and her date came up to them. "This is my best friend Lauren and this is Peter," Marcie said to her date and then added while laughing, "Oh, and this is Kevin."
Kevin was an older camper that Lauren had seen from time to time. He was very handsome and Lauren felt oddly jealous of how nicely Marcie and he looked together.
"How are you getting along tonight?" Marcie said.
"Nice," Lauren said.
"Don't you just love her dress?" Marcie said to Kevin.
"Sex E" Kevin said.
"I'll say," Marcie said.
Just then Joan and Fred came up to them followed by Brian and his date, Betty. Brian looked completely ravishing and Lauren couldn't help but remember the kiss they had shared. There was no way that she could offer a credible resistance to Brian if he wanted her. It was definitely good that he hadn't asked her to the cotillion. The older campers were far more at ease than Lauren and Peter who were left more or less speechless in the face of the incessant joking of Brian, Fred and Kevin. Marcie and Joan seemed perfectly comfortable hanging out with the older guys. It made Lauren crave a private moment with Peter to get back to the serene and loving mood she had just been in with him before everyone else showed up.
Lauren looked at Peter who looked back at her with a frustrated look. She tried to communicate to him through her eyes that he should do something about the situation. Time was a wasting. Finally Marcie must have picked up on Lauren's stares and said, "we should let these two go on. They're headed outside for some fresh air, I'll bet."
"Exactly," Peter said, finally unstuck from his social paralysis.
Lauren smiled reassuringly and Peter knew that finally he and Lauren were on the same page. They headed outside and walked slowly arm in arm looking at the stars and the trees. There were a few benches spaced widely apart near the lake and Lauren suggested they head that way. A few couples were already in evidence on different benches and as Peter and Lauren passed the couples, they could see them exchanging passionate kisses. Finally they stopped in front of a vacant bench and Peter took off his coat and gallantly laid it on the seat. "I wouldn't want you to get any dirt on your pretty dress," he said.
Lauren laughed quietly and said, "thank you Peter. You are very considerate." She sat down on his coat while she lifted and held out her skirts and then arranged them around her after she sat down. Peter sat down next to her and put his arm around her shoulders.
He was intensely agitated and said, "I love you Lauren!"
Before she could say anything he was kissing her. He was leaning into her pushing her back against the bench and she put her arms around his back and touched the nape of his neck. As Peter's tongue filled her mouth she sucked on it. She felt Peter's hand go over the front of her dress and cup one of her small breasts. She could tell that there was enough breast there for him to hold on to since she could feel her breast being gently pushed one way or another inside her bra. After a few minutes of that she could tell that Peter wanted to put his hand inside her dress to touch her breasts directly. He was trying to go down her front and she whispered in his ear, "you can undo the zipper in the back."
She knew that she wanted him to play with her breasts, that was something she had decided well before the evening. Dutifully, Peter fumbled around on her back until he found and lowered the zipper. The front of her dress was now easily accessible and Lauren felt his hand hungrily reach in and cup his breast over her bra and then she felt him reach inside the bra. The sensation was electrifying and when Peter began manipulating her nipple Lauren began moaning with pleasure.
She hadn't expected that this would feel so good. Peter now helped Lauren lower the front of her dress past her arms and he lifted up her bra so her small breasts were visible. He lowered his head and began sucking on one nipple while he played with the other. He then used his hands to cup the two breasts, and resumed kissing her lips.
For a half hour they petted like this. At one point Lauren had inserted her hands inside Peter's shirt and had gently touched the hard muscles of his chest and then his arms and bicep. It amazed her how much stronger Peter was than she thought he would be from his physique. Finally, Peter sat back on his spot next to Lauren to catch his breath. He still kept one hand on her breast, occasionally switching it from one to the other. Lauren sensed that Peter wanted to say something.
"What is it honey?" Lauren said.
"You know I love you," Peter said.
"And I love you too, darling," Lauren said.
Peter kissed her again. Lauren could tell that Peter was agitated and she waited patiently for him to say what was on his mind. Finally he said, "you know Lauren that boys have some special kinds of problems with their, um, you know, down there."
"Down there?" Lauren asked innocently. She fought back an urge to laugh. What exactly was Peter trying to tell her? She had hoped that he would have limits as to how far he wanted her to go that night. Now she had to wonder if maybe he was planning on having real sex with her. That would be disastrous since she would have to rebuff him, but worse it would make her think that that was the only reason he wanted to be with her.
"Yeah, down there, um, sometimes boys if they do like a lot of kissing, it starts to hurt."
"Hurt?"
"Yeah, it's called 'blue balls'."
"The girls were talking about it earlier this summer," Lauren said. "Some of the girls said it doesn't really exist."
"Oh, it exists all right. It's really painful."
"I'm really sorry you've got that!" Lauren said.
Peter waited for Lauren to say something more, like how might they fix the problem. After a minute where Peter looked to be struggling in pain she finally said, "What can you do about it?"
Peter was hoping she would have said, "what can I or we do about it." He was unsure how to proceed from this point.
Lauren was now scared. She hoped that he would not suggest that she "go down on him," as some of the girls called putting a boy's thing in their mouths. It sounded awful and scary to Lauren and she could not imagine why girls would do it.
"Maybe you could just touch me a little?" Peter said in obvious agony, "with your hand?"
Lauren felt relieved to hear that. Thank goodness it was no more than that. She had thought previously about what it might be like to touch one of them with her hand, and had concluded that it probably wasn't dangerous or something that could embarrass her. "I've never done anything like that," Lauren said. She had mixed emotions about touching it or not. She didn't want Peter suffering but she also didn't want to seem too eager to do it.
In her own mind it was best if she sort of did it because it was the right thing to do under the circumstances. In her day dreams about how far she and Peter might go sexually, she hadn't taken into account his obvious pain, and that changed the equation a bit. She decided that she ought to help him out.
Another couple walked by them heading to a further bench and Lauren covered up her chest with the front of her dress. When they had gone past them Lauren said, "come give me another kiss."
Peter once again embraced her and they began kissing. While they kissed Peter felt Lauren's breasts again and while he did so Lauren let her hand fall onto Peter's thigh and then she slowly moved it toward his crotch. She almost immediately felt a bulge and then Peter's hand was on top of hers. In a slightly desperate fumbling he undid his fly and took his hand away.
As they kissed he breathed heavily in and out and made a kind of moaning sound. Very tentatively Lauren moved her hand until she found where his zipper had been undone and then moved her fingers through the opening not sure of what she would find. Almost immediately she came across the sort of hard and upright object that Peter wanted her to touch. It was embedded in his cotton undershorts and Lauren worked her hand slowly in through the opening.
She could tell that Peter was now frantic. She moved her hand in another inch and now touched the side of Peter's warm pliable boy thing. With a bit of adjusting she was able to put her hand around it and hold it. Peter made a kind of yelping sound and then pulled his tongue out of Lauren's mouth. "Oh, yes, that is so good. Oh, I love you Lauren. I love you." Peter was attempting to move himself within Lauren's hand and she obliged him by sliding her fingers up and down a bit. In perhaps thirty seconds she could feel Peter's entire body tense and then there was a series of spasmodic pulsing to the thing she was holding and she felt her hand get a little moist. Peter was breathing hard, like he had just run a big race.
"Oh God Lauren that was so wonderful. You're so kind and loving. I can never thank you enough."
"I'm happy to do it for you," Lauren said and held his head against her chest. A few minutes later after Peter reorganized the situation inside his pants, Lauren said, "does this mean we can't kiss anymore?"
Peter immediately began kissing her again without any loss of passion. After a dozen minutes or so Lauren felt Peter's hand slowly working its way down toward her belly. She broke off the kiss and said, "I don't think we ought to do that, I hope you won't be mad at me."
"How could I ever be mad at you?" Peter said and his hand moved back up to Lauren's breasts.
While they kissed Lauren moved her hand back toward Peter's pants and slowly undid the buckle of his belt and the pants button. Lauren worked her hand onto Peter's stomach and gently felt the warm flesh. She caressed the sides of his body and moved her hand up to his chest and lightly touched his nipples again. Then she slowly ran her fingers down toward his waist. She lingered there for a few minutes and then inched it down until she felt his bush. Despite his earlier climax, Peter was once again aroused and this time Lauren made a much slower and more careful inspection of the object.
Working her fingers this way and that, sometimes very slowly, sometimes faster she covered every inch. She started at the base and eventually reached the wet tip and then down again and then out of curiosity she pushed her hand in further until she found the two roundish orbs that lay underneath. They were surprisingly hot and remarkably fun to play with. She let them ever so slowly dance between her fingers.
When she was done there she brought her whole hand up along the bottom of the main part of Peter's manhood and in a sudden convulsion like the one before she felt now her entire palm fill up with hot fluid as Peter gasped and made a slight shriek of excitement.
Lauren whispered in Peter's ear, "I love you honey."
Peter returned the sentiment and Lauren added, "do you have a handkerchief or something? I shouldn't get any on my dress."
"Oh sure, oh sure," Peter said and he produced a handkerchief that he placed into Lauren's wet hand.
Peter's second climax also marked a climax for the evening, albeit one that would linger steadily until midnight when the boys would board their buses and the wonderful evening would be over. Peter and Lauren kissed a bit more and then sensed that it was late. Other couples were standing up and walking slowly back to the cotillion arm in arm.
Lauren refastened her bra strap in the back and with Peter's help zipped up the back of her dress. Then she watched as Peter adjusted his manhood one last time, zipped up pants and redid his belt buckle. They stood up and Lauren straightened out Peter's shirt, tie and jacket so he looked neat. Lauren had a small purse with her from which she extracted a lipstick and she carefully redid her lips and then took out a small brush and did her hair.
The two love birds strolled back to the hall. "I had such a wonderful time," Lauren said.
Peter smiled at her and tried to say the same thing to her but his voice became husky and he had to stop. Lauren looked at him and saw that he was fighting back tears. Finally Peter calmed himself enough to say that he hoped that they could get together again after camp. They lived about 60 miles apart and there was a train and a bus that connected their cities.
"I would love that very much," Lauren said and smiled. This caused Peter to smile; it seemed to enormously lift his spirits. As sad as Lauren was about the stark reality that she wasn't likely to see much more of Peter, and she did truly love him, the fact of the matter was that she had been weathering powerful emotional storms ever since she had signed up to come to Camp Shoni.
In proportion to all her previous ups and downs the problem of Peter, though significant, was not as potentially scary as the basic reality of having to choose between becoming Lorin again, or going home as Lauren. There was also Marcie to consider, though at this moment Lauren wasn't sure what she should think about Marcie's evident infatuation with Kevin. Lauren prayed that her friendship with Marcie would never be broken. With her they had no secrets any more. With Peter there was a lie at the bottom of her relationship with him that would cause her to always be afraid of hurting him.
When they got to the cotillion hall, they found Owen and Thalia and then Marcie and Kevin and Joan and Fred. There were still a few more slow songs to be danced to and the couples wrapped themselves up in each others arms to make the best of the remaining minutes of the evening. At midnight they all said their farewells as the boys boarded the buses. Thalia was crying outright and Lauren felt some tears falling. Peter and Owen sitting in the bus waved at the girls who waved back at them. Both boys had glistening eyes and Lauren was happy that Peter could see that she cried some tears also.
After the buses pulled out, Lauren, Thalia, Joan and Marcie walked back toward their cabins together. "You poor dears," Marcie said to Lauren and Thalia as they dabbed at their eyes with tissues.
"Owen lives a couple of hours away from me," Thalia said. "I think my mom will let him come visit, so I don't think it should be too bad." Thalia laughed and said, "and there is always next summer."
Thalia did not have to voice the fact that there was a lot of time before next summer rolled around and by then, one had no idea about whether Owen would be back, or whether he had a winter girl friend or whatever. Thalia's situation herself might change. Maybe she would get a boy friend at school. "The big question," Thalia said, "is whether or not the special connection I had with Owen is something that could happen again with someone else, or is it just totally unique."
"I think if it's unique," Marcie said, "then you and Owen will realize it eventually and you'll get back together."
"That's nice of you to say that Marcie," Thalia said. It was a wonderful thought. That "soul mates" would always find a way to come back together.
Lauren wondered if Peter fit the category of a soul mate. Probably not. She couldn't imagine him not freaking out if he found out that Lauren wasn't everything he thought she was, and she couldn't blame him for that. Marcie on the other hand, it could be that she was her soul mate. Lauren was walking next to Marcie and she put her hand into Marcie's to see what the reaction would be. Marcie held her hand firmly and then put her arm around Lauren's shoulder and gave her a hug. They looked at each other and Marcie's face said that she understood what Lauren was wondering. The gesture raised Lauren's spirits a bit. Marcie was for real. Despite their being with boys for the cotillion, they still had a special connection with each other.
Back at the cabin Lauren, Thalia and Joan insisted that Marcie stay with them and she agreed. "Marcie can sleep in my bed," Lauren volunteered and so it was arranged. It was late and everyone was tired but still there was a huge amount of gossip and analysis of the evening that the girls had to work through. Several conversations at different ends of the cabin continued and Marilyn held off from shutting off the lights.
Each of the girls in their own way had pushed against the limits of what they had ever done with a boy before. Without being too graphic Lauren had shared some of her story with Peter and after listening to the others she felt comforted in knowing that they had mostly had similar experiences. Boys seemed to have a need for consummation that was generally more imperative than that of the girls. That a lot of stimulation caused them to become desperate for some sort of release seemed to be the pattern. For girls to think it was just a trick on the part of boys was probably not at all accurate.
Lauren wondered how far Marcie had gone with Kevin but she decided that the less she knew the better. She would be jealous if Marcie told her that she had had some serious sexual encounter with him. For her part, Marcie wished to protect Lauren from hearing things that were beyond her experience and understanding, so she deflected any discussion of how the night went with Kevin. All she would say was that Kevin was one of the nicer boys she had dated and that the cotillion had been a nice experience for her. In contrast, Lauren absolutely gushed about how wonderful the night had been. That it had gone even better than she had ever imagined it would.
While the girls talked they took off their dresses. Marcie unhooked the back of Lauren's dress and helped her step out of it. When it was off, Lauren held it up to admire it one last time before putting it in its garment bag. She didn't know when she might wear it again. It would come home in her trunk and in the best of circumstances she would be able to get it back into hiding so she could wear it another day. In a more likely scenario something would go wrong and her parents would take the dress away from her, a thought that was equally bad as the thought that her parents would learn of her secret.
When every action of every boy had been discussed and considered and every last remark made about how other girls had acted and behaved the cabin grew quiet and Marilyn turned out the lights. Marcie had taken off her dress and borrowed one of Lauren's night gowns and she climbed into bed with Lauren. At first Marilyn had objected to Marcie staying over, but ultimately had approved of the idea after Marcie first ran to her cabin to make sure her counselor knew that she wouldn't be back. The cotillion evening was the one day of the summer when all the rules got broken.
The narrowness of the bed forced Marcie and Lauren to be cuddled up in each others arms; Lauren's head rested on Marcie's bosom as she cradled the more delicate girl in her arms. For Lauren it was the most fitting end of the day. She knew that she had Marcie all to herself and that she would be the one constant in her life as it moved into the future.
Chapter 20
Judging by the funeral atmosphere of Camp Shoni the day after the cotillion many of the girls wondered if it was even worth it to have had such a wonderful magical night. Ultimately, as in all aspects of life, the girls decided that as bad as the pain was, it was always better to opt for living life than letting the time slip by without truly living.
For Lauren in particular, this had ultimately been the main justification for her summer long deception: she remembered clearly her realization that to not act was to suffer a worse fate in endless regret and longing then to plunge ahead and fight to get the kind of future she wanted. And now she had pretty much pulled it off.
She had gone to the cotillion in her pretty dress. She had felt like a princess the entire night. She would never ever forget the wonderful feelings of happiness she had felt and the wonderful elation of being Peter's girl, and doing right by him to make him feel so good. Peter would always have those memories of having been with Lauren and that would be part of his permanent history of that night. One day he might even tell his grandchildren that the first love of his life had been a pretty girl named Lauren that he had spent a magical night with at the Camp Shoni cotillion. Finally, the perfect evening ended with Marcie sleeping with Lauren and holding her and making her feel safe and protected.
There was one week until the end of camp and the time passed very quickly as every one tried to make the most of their remaining time with each other. To Lauren the days were a blur of wonderful laughing camaraderie with her girl friends as well as a few special moments to treasure. One of these was another opportunity to see Peter in the middle of the lake where they held each other in the water and Lauren kissed him. They made vows to call each other when they got home and hopefully try and arrange a visit. The moments in the lake were fleeting and somewhat melancholic with the huge burden of the forthcoming separation hanging over them. Lauren also managed to spend a couple of nights with Marcie where they snuck out of their cabins to rendezvous near the lake. With Marcie, Lauren was more confident that she'd be seeing her again and their time together was not quite as gloomy as with Peter.
Finally, Saturday rolled around and the girls ate breakfast together for the last time. They could see the buses arriving one by one and parking in the grass field. No one talked. Lauren felt a looming emptiness in her life and a dread of what the future held for her. She fought back tears throughout breakfast and cried unabashedly, unashamedly as one by one parents came and took away her friends. While she was sadly packing her things into her trunk Marilyn came up to her and gave her a big hug. She sat down next to Lauren and told her how special she was to her. About how much she admired her courage and her cleverness and her talent. Through her tears Lauren said, "I'll never forget the fact that you let me go to the cotillion." Marilyn smiled at her and offered to do whatever she could for Lauren if there were anything useful she could do for her. At more than one point Marilyn lost it and tears streamed from her eyes. "I want you to write or email me and tell me how you are," Marilyn said, "and if I don't hear from you I'm going to call you to find out directly."
A short while later Thalia's parents showed up and Lauren had to say goodbye to her. They embraced and cried until finally Thalia's father had to intervene to speed up the long agonizing good bye. "We'll keep in contact," Thalia said and left the cabin. In fact, the bunnies had made plans to keep together via an internet group and had even gone so far as to think about having a reunion at some point during the year. No sooner had Thalia left when Marcie came in to say her good bye. "I told my dad I needed a few minutes alone with my best buddy, so let's take a little walk," Marcie said.
Lauren and Marcie walked around behind the cabin and into the forest along the path they had followed at night. When they were away from the sounds of the campers and parents they stopped and Marcie put her arms around Lauren and brought her in close to her. Lauren could not keep from crying softly while Marcie said to her, "are you still going to be courageous when you get home?"
Lauren nodded her head up and down.
"And do you believe that I'll always love you and be there for you no matter what happens?"
Lauren nodded her head up and down and tears streamed from her eyes.
"Good." Marcie became choked up herself. It was beyond heart wrenching to contemplate the future of her gentle and delicate friend in the face of what would surely happen at home.
Seeing her friend fighting back tears, Lauren said, "don't worry about me. You've given me more than I thought I'd ever get and I'll have you in my thoughts all the time. This wonderful summer that I made a friend like you."
"Anyway, I'm going to send you some more pills and I'll call you up," Marcie said and then Lauren moved her lips up to hers and kissed her. Marcie kissed her back forcefully, they hugged another minute and then Marcie turned and walked away quickly turning back once to wave at her. Lauren could see the tears on her cheeks and it made her feel happy to know that Marcie loved her that much.
Lauren walked back slowly to the cabin. Just Joan and she now remained of the girls. The two of them would be on the same bus back to Poughkeepsie. They sat on their bunks, all packed and waiting for the signal that the bus was ready to go. Besides her trunk, Lauren had packed her knapsack with the things she would need to change into at Poughkeepsie, including the Camp Dan tee shirt that Peter had given her. It was a nice large size and would do a fine job of hiding her new breasts.
After a few minutes Joan got up and sat down on the bunk next to Lauren and put her arm around her shoulders. "We really haven't had much time to be alone since the cotillion."
"I enjoy talking to you," Lauren said. "I was so happy we met at Poughkeepsie at the bus station. It was so easy to talk to you and it really calmed me down. I was so nervous you can't imagine."
Joan laughed. "I had no idea that you were anything other than Lauren. I remember we were riding the bus together to camp and you said your mom didn't believe in make up and that pink was your favorite nail polish color."
"Both of those things were true." Lauren looked down at her long nails with their pink polish on them.
"What are you going to do about that?" Joan asked.
"At Poughkeepsie I have a long layover. I can take off the polish and even get my hair cut. But I still don't know what to do. Maybe I should go back as I am now."
"That's such a huge question. Truthfully I wonder how are you going to give a convincing act of being a boy? It sort of blows my mind to imagine you ever passing yourself off as a boy. If I close my eyes I see you in your cotillion dress - a dress that looks like it was designed with you in mind."
"I don't know, I think that there must be some sort of intrinsic knowledge of how to be a boy in me. I'm terrified of hurting my parents or being laughed at or something worse. Can they put me in an insane asylum for doing what I did?"
Joan laughed, "sorry Lauren but I don't think they even have those anymore. Of course there is nothing funny about your situation." After thinking a few seconds she continued, "I could see that if you go home as a girl it would be a lot more shocking to your parents than if you went back as a boy and sort of gradually made them see that you are really a girl."
"Yeah, I guess I sort of agree with you. But it's hard to give up who I am." It was hard for Lauren not to feel sorry for herself. Among all the girls at Camp Shoni, only she would have to not only give up the wonderful camaraderie of the camp, but also give up her identity, her being a girl. That loss towered over everything else that might happen. If she could have at least known that she would always remain a girl, then bearing the loss of her day to day friendships with the bunnies in her cabin and with Marcie would have been easier to bear.
Lauren knew that she would not show up at home as Lauren. She would use the layover at Poughkeepsie to revert back to Lorin as painful as it might be. Once home she would again dream of becoming Lauren again and she might plot a way to do so. She might have a heart-to-heart conversation with her parents and tell them about who she really was. Of course she knew that she would never to that.
The one thing that she could not undo, at least in a short time, was her breast buds. She did have small breasts now. It was a supremely wonderful thing, the feeling of them on her chest, as well as the intense and satisfying pleasure she had felt when Peter or Marcie had played with them. No matter what she would continue to take enough pills so that she could maintain her breasts. She would no doubt find some way of hiding them from her parents and sister. Perhaps by leaning forward a lot or wearing only loose shirts.
Lauren's reverie was interrupted by Joan who said, "All of the girls at camp are really anxious about what is going to happen to you. You have to keep in touch through the group and let us know how we can help you."
"I will," Lauren said.
 |
Each minute of the ride back to Poughkeepsie Lauren and Joan felt as if something terribly precious was being lost. They clung to the last few moments of their shared time together and hugged and cried in each other's arms when they finally disembarked the bus. Joan's bus to her town was waiting and she had to hurriedly move to catch it. Lauren once again checked her trunk at the bus station and walked out into the city.
While her mind had been made up that she would have to transform herself back to Lorin, she nonetheless found it hard to move her feet forward to once again find Samantha's unisex salon. Over and over again in her mind she tried to play out the likely scenario if she came back as Lauren. Her parents freaking out in front of everyone as she came off the bus. The ride home in terrible tears and anger and recrimination. Threats probably to sue the camp and anyone else who had helped Lauren. No. This was not something Lauren could bear. She started walking faster and once again passed the pizza place and once again realized that she had no appetite. |
In a few minutes she was in front of Samantha's and looked in the window. Both Gus and Samantha were there as well as a customer that Samantha was attending to. Lauren entered the shop.
"Would you look what the cat dragged in!" Samantha said and Gus exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! Lauren, isn't it?"
The customer, an elderly woman turned to look at Lauren.
"So you remember me?" Lauren said.
"Gosh, do we ever," Gus said and came over to look at her.
"It looks like your summer worked out OK," Samantha said.
"Yes, it was fabulous. I made so many great friends." Lauren halted finding it hard to talk about things that had just been taken away from her.
"I'm glad," Gus said. "What can we do for you?"
"I need to go back to the way I was. A kind of short haircut. I also wonder if I can use the bathroom to change my clothes and ..." Lauren hesitated and pointed at her finger and toe nails.
"Remove your nail polish?" Gus said.
"Yeah, I have to."
"No problem," Gus said. "Let's cut your hair, though I do think it's beautiful the way it is."
"Yeah, but my parents," Lauren said.
"I understand," Gus said.
It didn't take long for Gus to shorten Lauren's pretty hair back to the point where it could be taken to be a boy's hair cut and most importantly short enough so that Lauren's dad would not be pissed off. Sensing her pain at seeing the hair go, Gus made a point of trying to style the hair so that it could be rearranged to be more like a girl's, or at least would grow into a girl's style as it got longer.
When he was done Lauren gazed at her new found Lorin image in the mirror. It was awful and she felt slightly sick to her stomach. Why did she have to live in a world where this had to happen? She felt an icy void fill her heart as the enormity of the reality of Lorin filled her consciousness. It was much worse than she had thought it would be. Next she would remove her nail polish and take off her bra and put on Peter's Camp Dan tee shirt and her boy shorts and sneakers. And then she would be Lorin again. She felt a sob rising up in her throat and thanked Gus and ran into the bathroom to do the dirty job. Ten minutes later she emerged as Lorin. By outward appearance a boy, by inward feeling still very much Lauren.
"How much do I owe you?" Lorin said to Gus. He said it mechanically with a voice that was not quite Lorin of old and not quite Lauren.
"It's on me kiddo," Gus said.
Samantha's customer was under the dryer and Samantha came over to look at Lorin and said, "why do I feel like the canary has died?"
"I can just imagine what he's going through," Gus said.
"Yes, I can see," Samantha said. "Are you in a rush?"
Lorin shook his head and said, "no, I have an hour."
"Sit down and let's talk. OK?" Samantha said.
"Sure," Lorin said and sat down next to her.
"You see yourself as being a girl?" Samantha said.
Lorin nodded his head.
"So you changed back because of your parents?"
"Yes."
"You did the right thing for now I suppose, but, you know, if you were my son I'd want you to tell me everything. Everything. Everything about how you feel inside."
"They'll kill me. They'll hate me. They'll put me in an asylum or something."
"Of course I don't know your mother, but I am a mother myself and the thing is if one of my sons knew he was a girl inside, and he confided that to me, then I would do none of the things you said. I'd just make sure that it was really really true and once I knew it was I'd do everything in my power to enable him to be the girl he felt he was. You see, from a mother's point of view, or at least many mothers, how could they think that knowing oneself is a girl to be a bad thing? Mothers are girls themselves and they grew up being girls and if their son feels the same way that they did growing up, where is the harm?"
"My mom will be shocked and freaked out."
"I'm sure but what I'm talking about is the part where she has had a chance to think and to understand you. If she is the kind of person who goes by reason and science so to say, then I know she'll come to accept you. Of course, if she doesn't want to be rational and instead appeals to some imagined sense of morality, then she'll freak out for sure. But people who act on motivations like that lose all credibility. In other words, there is no reason for you to accept the arbitrariness of their actions. Sure they can make your life miserable but they can't take away who you are unless you let them."
It was an amazing speech that Lorin was only able to understand in pieces but he felt he grasped enough to see the main point.
Samantha continued, "the last thing I'll say is that I'm sure your mother is the kind of woman who reasons because you display a sweetness and kindness that comes from a family that is compassionate."
"I really appreciate what you've said. It makes me feel more hopeful."
"Can I give you a hug?" Samantha said.
Lorin nodded and smiled and Samantha hugged him. "But what about my dad?" Lorin said.
"Fathers are fathers, what can one say?" Samantha said. To Gus she added, "what about fathers, Gus?"
"Geez, I don't know. Fathers are men. You can't expect all that much from them. Have a heart-to-heart with mom, and she'll get your dad on board if you're lucky."
From the clock on the wall Lorin saw that it was time to go. "I can't thank you both enough..."
"Call us and let us know what happens. Will you?" Gus said and Samantha seconded the thought.
"I will," Lorin said. In his backpack now he had his bra wrapped up in the pink Camp Shoni tee shirt. If by some accident his mom looked in the backpack he would say that his girl friend at Camp Shoni had given him her shirt. Lorin took his leave of the shop and headed back to the bus terminal.
As the bus pulled into the terminal in his home town, Lorin could see his mom, dad and Stephanie waiting for him. They had big smiles on their faces. They were excited to see him. Though Lorin had been crying off and on during the trip back from Poughkeepsie, he nonetheless was going to have to completely stop it now. He would give no hint of crying and on top of that he would make every possible effort to act like Lorin again, even though if the truth be told he was not very sure he could remember how to be a boy. It seemed so terribly foreign to him. Even wearing Lorin's clothes for the trip back seemed distasteful. He missed terribly wearing a bra and felt a kind of strange physical nakedness from not having one on. For nearly eight weeks he had continuously worn a bra, night and day, only taking it off for showers and swimming. Of course he still had on panties even if they were only among the least pretty of the ones he owned.
The bus halted and Lorin stood up with the other disembarking passengers. He would force himself to be a boy at all costs. He gritted his teeth to give himself courage. He reminded himself that even if he could avoid raising suspicions, he would still have to deal with the almost insurmountable difficulty of switching back his clothing once he got to his room. To make it at all possible he planned to tell his mom that he had secret presents in his trunk so that he needed to go to his room to hide them before giving her his camp clothes. It was a bit lame as an excuse but he could think of no other way of getting the opportunity to hide all his girl clothes. Just like the lead up to going to Camp Shoni, he would have to take each minute as it came, and if his plan fell apart he would just have to suffer the consequences.
Lorin stepped out into the sun and ran to where his parents were standing and into the arms of his mother. She squeezed him forcefully and said, "my little angel, I've missed you so much!"
"I missed you too, mom and dad and Stephanie" Lorin said fighting back tears. His father came up to him and put his arms around Lorin who then allowed his dad to hug him. Even Stephanie was moved enough to come over and join in hugging her younger brother.
"You look so tan and grown up," Lorin's mom said.
Lorin smiled and said, "I can't wait for you all to tell me about China and Japan. It must have been incredible!"
"It was, it was," his dad said hesitatingly. In his excitement Lorin's voice had slipped somewhat into Lauren and he made some arm gestures the way Lauren would have. Lorin could tell that his father had noticed. He would have to focus much harder on being Lorin. To counteract whatever impression he had made that he was girl-like, Lorin said, "I can get the trunk" and forcefully tried to move it toward the car. It barely budged until Stephanie came over and helped him and then with the additional help of his dad they maneuvered it into the car.
Lorin felt like he had already betrayed Lauren. A few minutes back home and he was already trying hard to be a boy. Why should he have to lift the heavy trunk? He had the physique of a young girl and shouldn't be expected to be able to do that sort of thing. His natural impulse was to be the kind of girl who would need the help of someone stronger in such a situation, not a boy or an independent minded and self-sufficient girl like Marcie. Surely Marcie would understand the way he felt.
"I'm glad you got a nice haircut. You were driving me crazy before camp," his dad said.
Lorin smiled weakly. His trimmed hair felt unnatural and he craved the wonderful long hair he had had for most of the summer. Being and acting like Lorin was definitely going to be very hard. It was exhausting since Lorin found that at many points he had had to correct his natural impulse to be Lauren. Thus far he had probably done well enough to keep his parents from knowing the truth. For right now they believed that their son Lorin had come home from Camp Dan. In time it probably would get easier to act like Lorin, until he reached a point where he would have trouble being Lauren.
When they arrived back home, Lorin's mom said, "you can leave the trunk in the laundry room and I'll put everything in the washing machine."
"But mom," Lorin said, "I've got some Christmas presents for the family in my trunk that I have to wrap. I also got to do some laundry just before I left. So if we put the trunk in my room I can just take the dirty laundry downstairs."
"You're sure?" Lorin's mom said.
"Yeah, it'll only take me a few minutes!"
Though a bit surprised by the request, Lorin's parents had no objection to it and Lorin, Stephanie and his dad negotiated the trunk up to his room. As soon as he was alone, Lorin gazed around his room to see if anything had changed. To his great relief everything was exactly the way he had left it. It was definitely weird to be back in this place again.
He went into the bathroom to see if his boy clothes were hidden where he had left them there. He unscrewed the bolts holding the shower access panel and saw that it was crammed with his clothes. He quickly removed them forming a large pile on the floor of his bedroom. He divided them in two piles and began jumping up and down and stepping on the pile that happened to have most of his boys' underpants and his shorts and swim suits.
After he did this to his satisfaction, he opened the trunk and quickly moved all his girls' clothes into their hiding place in the bathroom. It was painful to see his bras and panties again and most especially the pretty dress that he had worn on that unforgettably beautiful evening at the cotillion. When every last vestige of her girl self was safely stowed away, he closed the panel again and stuffed the dirty pile of clothes into his laundry bag and then carried it down to his mother.
Lorin found his mom in the kitchen preparing dinner. He walked past her and put the laundry bag in the laundry room that opened up off the kitchen near the back door.
His mom said, "I'll get your laundry started while I cook dinner." She proceeded to dump the clothes on the floor so she could separate them into white and dark clothes. "So tell me more about camp," his mother said. Lorin was thinking of something to say when he noticed a strap poking out from within the laundry pile that was definitely the strap of one of his bras. It must have accidentally fallen into the pile of boy clothes while he was transferring clothes to the hiding place. His mother hadn't noticed it yet. "I can't believe how clean your clothes generally are. And it's amazing how little wear and tear there is."
Lorin watched as his mother worked her way down the pile of clothes oblivious to the strap. "I guess I'm older now and we don't play as rough any more," Lorin said. Short of shoving his mother aside or jumping on top of the clothes there was no way his mother would not see the bra in the next moment. This was not the sort of end to his summer that Lorin had anticipated and he racked his brain to think of a plausible explanation for his having a bra. The best he could do was to claim that his girl friend gave it to him, but why would she? It made no sense. Perhaps he could say that there was a foul up at the laundry and he had no idea whose bra it was. Maybe one of the women who worked in the dining room?
From the corner of his eye Lorin noticed that the food timer was running in the kitchen. He got up and ran to it and moved the dial so that the buzzer started going off. There had been 6 minutes left on the clock.
Lorin yelled to his mom, "the buzzer went off!"
"I can hear it plain as day, I'm coming." His mom came back into the kitchen. "Gosh the time flies, I could swear that the sauce had another five minutes."
Lorin smiled and sidled back into the laundry room, picked up the bra, balled it up and stuck it in his pocket just as his mom came back into the room. "As I was saying your clothes are in amazingly good shape."
She was talking to herself now and Lorin figured she wasn't expecting him to say anything more. He left the laundry and headed back upstairs to his room. While he was going up the stairs the phone rang in the downstairs study. Just as he got to the top of the stairs his father yelled, "Lorin! It's for you."
"OK, dad," he yelled.
"It's a girl, I think it might be Penny," Lorin's dad said.
Lorin went to get the phone amazed that Penny had called him so soon after he got back. She must be very anxious to pick up where they had left off, he figured, a thought that filled him with dread.
When Lorin got to the phone he held it for a few seconds thinking what he should say, and then said, "hi Penny!"
"Penny?" Lorin heard the voice on the other end say.
And then Lorin said in a low rasp, "ohmygod, Marcie! Is it really you?"
"Yes, and why did you think I was Penny?"
"My dad said he thought you sounded like Penny."
"Do I?"
"No, not at all."
"Look this will be brief. I just wanted to check in with you. Make sure that the lines of communication are open. How is it going so far?"
Lorin could hear his parents talking in the kitchen and said half laughing, "I left a bra in my laundry bag, I mean I came within one second of having to explain why I had a bra!"
Marcie laughed appreciatively on the other end of the line. "You must have some guardian angel looking over you."
"I know, it's hard to believe that I got away with the whole thing."
"Have you? Do you parents notice anything different about you?"
"I had a couple of slip ups. It doesn't yet feel natural to pretend I'm a boy. Anyway I don't think they suspect anything. Not yet anyway, at least I think they don't. You never know, it seems so hopelessly difficult to be a boy again."
"They haven't noticed your boobs?"
"I think it's the kind of thing that you have to be looking for before you'd notice it."
"I suppose you're right," Marcie said.
They talked for a few minutes more until Lorin could hear his dad coming and Marcie and he said their goodbyes. The next call between them would be from Lorin in a day or two, or sooner if he had a calamity to deal with.
"How's Penny?" Lorin's dad asked.
"It wasn't Penny, dad, it was a girl I met at camp."
"How did you meet a girl?"
"You know, the dances."
"I thought you couldn't go to the dances."
"Yeah, that was what they said, but after I got there, they announced that they would give our group the chance to go until someone or some group of us screwed up. But we never did. We all turned out to be little gentlemen." There was a lot of truth to what Lorin was saying, with the only lie being which side of the fence he was on.
"What's your friends' name?"
"Marcie."
"She live around here?"
"Oh no, she lives kind of far away. I hope I do get to see her though."
"So you went to the cotillion?"
"Oh, no. It was just the dances. It was a sudden decision because they saw how pissed off we were. But we didn't have suits for the cotillion."
His father seemed to accept the lie and Lorin headed back to his room again. In fact, Peter had told Lorin that a letter had been sent to the boys his age, before they left for camp, informing them that they would be given a chance to go to the dances.
Before he left the room his dad said, "it looks like they gave you the Camp Dan tee shirt."
"Oh, yeah. They apologized for the mix-up and gave me one."
"It's a little big for you isn't it?"
"It's the style dad. Kids like the bigger shirts." Within the loose folds of the front of the shirt Lorin could feel his small breasts slightly jiggle without his bra on. It seemed that his father had not noticed them at all. Lorin felt a sudden wave of depression come over him. He so wished he could put on the bra he had in his pocket. Somehow, someway he was going to have to get the courage to talk to his mom about wanting to be a girl. Every hour he was back to being Lorin it seemed like his hope of becoming Lauren again was a receding goal.
In a short while he'd reach a point where his mom and dad would probably not even believe that he had been a girl. In fact, every hour they saw him as a boy the less they would imagine that his desire to be a girl was legitimate. But maybe he could just show his breasts and that would be enough of a proof. One thing was as clear as it had been at camp: as hard and depressing as it was to pretend to be Lorin, that was an easier path to follow than to deal with telling his mom and dad that he wanted to be Lauren. Even with the encouraging words of Samantha it was still easier to avoid having to tell his parents the truth.
At dinner that night Lorin's dad told his mom and sister about Marcie and about how close they had become. "But what about Penny?" Lorin's mom said, "you're sure to hurt her feelings unless you see her again."
"I know, mom, I feel bad about it, but I didn't plan to meet another girl."
"Did she write you during the summer?"
"Yeah, we exchanged some letters. Then I sort of got to know Marcie, and..."
"And what?"
"I guess I didn't answer her last letter. I hope she's not angry with me."
"It's not like you to be rude like that."
"I know, I feel badly. I'll call her soon."
"Summer love," Lorin's dad said and Lorin's mom cut him off saying, "don't make fun. Penny is such a sweet girl."
His parents then asked him a million questions about the dances and about the girls. His parents also asked him about Owen and everything else about the camp.
"I had a blast," Lorin summed up the summer.
"It would be nice to meet Marcie one day," Lorin's mom said. "She seems like such a nice girl."
Lorin suddenly choked up as if he were going to cry. After a minute he said, "I'm sorry. I miss Marcie terribly."
His parents consoled him telling Lorin that they understood about such things. Hopefully, Lorin will get to see her again next summer.
"Yeah, I suppose so," Lorin said.
Of course, before Lorin left for camp he had been choked up about Penny. So it was clear that time and distance could have a big effect on changing how he felt about Marcie. The truth was that he had to consciously avoid thinking about Penny because he had loved her and he probably still did. If he let himself he could feel heartache about his loss of Penny. To be Lorin again and be with Penny was a future that Lorin figured would be one that he could love, but as nice as it was, if it meant that he had to be Lorin then it could never be as nice as a future where he was Lauren. He knew this truth deep in his heart. It was hard enough pretending to be Lorin for his parents' sake, but to also do it for Penny was even harder because with one's friends one had the chance to be open and honest and say things one would never say to one's parents. Only Marcie and the girls at Camp Shoni could be trusted with his confidences. Maybe over time Lorin could one day confide in Penny that he was really a girl, but it would be amazing to find that Penny could be happy with that. She really seemed like the kind of girl who appreciated men - not cavemen, but men nonetheless.
While Lorin continued his conversation with his mom and dad, he saw Stephanie glance at his chest. She had a puzzled look on her face and Lorin nonchalantly looked down to see where Stephanie might be looking. He expected to see some food that had fallen on his T shirt. Instead Lorin noticed that one of his nipples was somewhat prominently poking out the cotton of the shirt. It was his slumped posture in the chair that had created the view and he immediately sat back up and leaned forward. The new found bulge of his breasts made his nipples much more prominent than they would normally have been. It was a fact he would have to remember.
He slyly stole a glance at Stephanie to see if she might be suspicious but apparently she hadn't processed the information in such a way as to think that Lorin might have breasts. At least he hoped so.
After dinner Lorin went online and found that several of the bunnies had already emailed him about plans the girls had to have a weekly chat session so that they could keep in touch during the school year. Seeing their email raised his spirits since it meant that there was some hope of keeping Lauren alive for the weeks and months ahead; no matter how much he was forced into the role of Lorin.
Lorin went to bed that night wearing a bra and panties. He continued to take his birth control pills and decided that he would continue to do so no matter what the risks were of being caught. It was a matter of keeping his sanity he figured. Even though his external image had returned more or less to Lorin, he would keep alive some of the essential aspects of Lauren as best he could.
After turning on the reading lamp next to his bed, Lorin retrieved his Barbie diary from where he had hid it among his things during the summer. He read the entries that he had put in before. Most of them were about his plan to find clothes and his hopes for the future. Now, he had had that future and the question was what would be the next part of his future.
He snuggled into bed and wrote:
|
Lorin fell asleep thinking about the enormous journey he had traveled this one day. From a farewell breakfast with the bunnies all the way through his transformation in Poughkeepsie back to where he had started at the beginning of the summer.
Chapter 21
The next day Lorin took it easy. He stayed in bed until almost noon. Lethargy had descended over him and he had a hard time trying to think of something he ought to do. Calling Penny and Kenny was probably something he needed to get out of the way so they wouldn't be hurt by his neglecting them any more than he had already. Thus early in the afternoon he called Kenny.
Kenny was home and seemed genuinely glad to hear from Lorin. As it turned out Kenny had made a connection with Laura, one of the girls who was a friend of Penny, so he had had quite a romantic summer spending most of it hanging out with her.
"I wrote you a few letters," Kenny said, "but you never responded."
"I'm sorry," Lorin said. "There was a mix-up and the mail came to the wrong camp and then it was just a couple of weeks ago that I got the mail and I figured there was no point in sending a letter."
Kenny seemed to buy the explanation. "So what are you doing tomorrow?" Kenny asked.
"Nothing much," Lorin said.
"Why don't you come by and we'll go to the pool at the golf course."
"Oh sure," Lorin said and then as soon as he said it he remembered that swimming was one thing he could not do lest Kenny and everyone else at the pool see his naked breasts.
"Actually, I can't go swimming. I've got some sort of rash thing."
"That's a bummer," Kenny said, sounding dejected.
"But I can go to the pool as long as I don't go in the water or take my shirt off. No sunlight is part of the cure." Lorin felt stupid for making up such lies. If he just could wear one of Lauren's bathing suits then he wouldn't have to do that.
Once he was off the phone with Kenny, Lorin contemplated if he had enough nerve to call Penny. She was the one person he was most afraid of since there was no direction he could go with her that did not lead to pain. If he allowed himself to rekindle the wonderful time he had had with her in the weeks leading up to camp, then he would have no chance of staying as Lauren. But to stay as Lauren was to reject Penny and make her feel bad. On the other hand, if he was honest with himself he knew that he really did not have a chance of returning to being Lauren. Thus, the only reasonable course of action for him was to see Penny again, and to do that he had to live with a certain amount of guilt. But if he didn't call her than he would also feel guilty. And what would happen when he saw her at school in a couple of weeks?
He had to call Penny. There couldn't be any harm in a phone call and agreeing to see her again and then maybe she would sense that something was different and then maybe it would be over between them. On the other hand, the moment he was alone with her again it was possible that Lorin would fall back in love with her. Bracing himself emotionally he dialed the number and waited listening to the rings. On the fourth one Penny's dad answered the phone.
"Lorin? Is that you?" Penny's dad said in a voice that conveyed great surprise.
Lorin assured him that it was he. After exchanging some pleasantries about their summers, Lorin could hear her dad calling for Penny. A minute later Penny was on the line.
"Hi Lorin," Penny said. Her voice was kind of matter of fact and not like the way Lorin had imagined she would sound.
"Hi Penny!" Lorin said suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. "I just got back from camp, well actually yesterday."
"That's nice," Penny said.
"How was your summer?" Lorin said. There was clearly something wrong here.
"It was pretty good I guess."
Lorin waited for her to ask him about his summer, but she didn't say anything. "Is there something the matter?" Lorin asked. "I know I didn't write as much as I wanted. It's hard to get a moment to myself at camp."
"Did you read my letters?" Penny said.
"Sure," Lorin lied.
"You must be lying to me Lorin. That's not very nice."
"What do you mean?" Lorin said wondering what had been in her letters that she expected that he would know about.
"I'm seeing someone now. A guy. I wrote you about him. Well, that was after you never wrote for a few weeks and then I felt hurt. When you consider what we had before. It was not what I expected. Anyway, he's really nice and I don't think it's a good idea to see you again."
Lorin felt stung with the reality of her rejection. He had been so preoccupied with his fear of rejecting her, that he had never seriously believed that she would drop him as a boy friend. "The thing is I never did get your letters, but I did write you after awhile."
"Your letters were sort of cold I thought."
Penny was right. Lorin had been so preoccupied with being Lauren that he did not put much effort into the letters he wrote to Penny. "It's not because of anything to do with you. I mean I did love you and still do, but I couldn't write good letters because I was dealing with other things."
"What other things?"
"I can't say right now. In time I will, but not now. I feel awful and I'm so sorry, but I'm also happy that you met someone else that you like." The last remark seemed like the right thing to say even though Lorin did not really feel that way. Even though Penny breaking off their relationship gave Lorin a clear path toward staying like Lauren, it still hurt.
"You sound like you're in the FBI or something, Lorin. But, whatever." There was a long pause and finally Penny said, "I've got to go now. I'll probably see you back in school."
"Oh, yeah," Lorin said. Penny was being abrupt. She obviously did not see the point of talking more. "Well goodbye then."
"Bye."
Lorin felt alone and saddened by how firmly Penny had closed the door to their friendship. If by some miracle he could go to school as Lauren then maybe Penny would be willing to be his girl friend. He would be like Janice or Laura or Marilyn or any of the other girls who ate with her at lunch. Lorin daydreamed about how nice it would be. Just one of the girls at school. How perfect.
With the rest of the afternoon to himself Lorin decided that he would pay a visit to Beth so as to thank her for all she had done for him. Rather than call he decided he would surprise her. He could use the walk anyway, whether she was home or not. To say the least Lorin felt uncomfortable walking as Lorin. It was unpleasant enough having to wear boy clothes without the added annoyance of having to walk like a boy would. At camp he had assumed a girl's gait and body movements and his hands had developed a natural and fluid like grace that only girls had. Now Lorin found himself having to play a part he had gladly gotten rid of during the summer.
How can this go on? he wondered. How can I get up each day to be a boy when I don't want to be one?
At Beth's apartment building Lorin rang the bell for her apartment and was pleasantly surprised to find her home. Unlike Penny, Beth was totally excited to see Lorin and ushered him into her apartment. "You look so good! You've got to tell me everything. Absolutely everything!"
"I'm so happy to see you," Lorin said with eyes filling up with tears. He realized that Beth was the one person he could see on any regular basis who knew everything about him. "There is no way I can thank you. I never could have become Lauren without you."
"It was a ridiculous scheme that you concocted, but I'm happy to see that you survived the summer. So you never got found out?"
Lorin then told her the whole story from avoiding a haircut before leaving until getting a haircut on his way back. "I'm really curious about how you looked during the summer. Your hair and how you dressed. Do you have any pictures?"
"No. There was just a group picture at the cotillion. I think it'll be in the camp catalog for next summer. I'll show it to you when I get it."
"I also wonder how you felt with that boy, what was his name, Peter? Was that difficult for you or unnatural?"
"No. I became really fond of him. We did a bunch of smooching I guess you could say. I enjoyed it. He's fun and thoughtful and I think he's handsome. Well now that I'm back like Lorin it would definitely not work out. But as Lauren it was nice."
"It sounds like that girl Marcie saved your neck," Beth said.
"She's my absolute best friend from the summer, though Joan and Thalia were also very close. Marcie helped me become a girl." Lorin thrust out his chest a bit.
"What do you mean?" Beth said.
"She gave me some birth control pills. I've been taking them and I've developed a little. I can now fit in the bras I bought at Jensen's."
"This doesn't sound too good to me. Taking medicine like that could be dangerous. I'm not sure you should be playing around with your body like that. Let me see," Beth said.
Lorin lifted his shirt revealing his small breasts and Beth shook her head and frowned.
"I don't feel bad, I don't think they are harmful," Lorin said. "Girls take them without being hurt, don't they?"
"You really need to get under medical supervision if you're going to take a lot of estrogen like that. You probably don't want to hear this from me, but I think you either talk to your mom, or stop taking the pills. One or the other."
"I agree with you, but the reality is that I can't tell my mom I'm a girl. It's too hard. I just can't do it."
"So, Lorin, I don't understand. You've gotten boobs from the pills and you're just sort of hanging out as a boy now? Surely you can't keep something like that a secret. You're mom will eventually see your boobs."
"I haven't been able to deal with letting them just go away. The thought of that is awful. I've already given up so much coming home as a boy."
"Lorin, you're not being realistic. You either are a boy or you aren't a boy. You can't exist in this kind of middle state. Say your parents or a friend see your boobs? Like at school or in gym class?"
"So you think I should stop taking the pills?" Lorin found himself fighting depression.
"I guess so, yes. The alternative is to come out of the closet so to speak. Have the big conversation with your parents. Maybe they'll understand and help you."
"That's what Samantha said to me, the hairdresser woman in Poughkeepsie"
"She's right."
"I know I'm too scared to talk to my parents."
"Well you have to decide which is worse. Talking to them and suffering whatever, or else not talking to them and suffering from having to be a boy. I'd love to somehow help you in this, but you know that this is something I can't be a part of."
"I know that and I really do appreciate your wisdom." Lorin and Beth hugged and then she made him some hot chocolate.
That evening Peter called. Lorin's mother answered the phone and when Peter asked her to speak to Lauren, she said, "OK, I'll go get him."
She called up to Lorin, "Peter is on the line."
Lorin answered the phone saying, "Peter! Is that you!"
"Yeah, it's so good to hear your voice," Peter said.
"It's so great you called," Lorin said.
"What's with your mom saying "I'll go get him"," Peter said, "that was weird."
"She said what?" Lorin feigned surprise.
"I'll go get him, him!"
"She's used to getting calls for my dad. He gets a lot of calls." Lorin decided he had better change the subject as fast as possible and said, "I wish I could be with you right this minute."
"I felt so bad after the cotillion and I've been missing you terribly," Peter said.
"Me too, Peter. That night was something I'll always treasure."
Despite the hopelessness of their situation, they both felt it was nice to make the connection. To relive any little bit of what they had shared that wonderful night was better than not sharing it. After fifteen minutes they said their goodbyes with an agreement to talk at least once a week and more often online.
"Do you think anything has changed about Lorin?" Lorin's mom said to his dad. They were in their bedroom with the door shut.
"Funny you should ask," his dad said. "There have been a few times since he's been back that I could swear he was acting like a girl. It was fleeting, some gestures a lilt to his voice. I did a double take."
"That's sort of like what I've been feeling. He seems a bit less boyish to me, not that he isn't a boy. Perhaps some of the boys at camp were picking on him or something. Or maybe he hung out with some boy that he sort of picked up his mannerisms?"
"It's very hard to put one's finger on it. Just like before the summer there were oddball things that had happened that gave us the impression that Lorin was a bit off."
"Last spring he was so infatuated with Penny, and now he says that she met a new guy over the summer. He doesn't seem to be down about it."
"But he got this girl friend Marcie himself. Kids are unbelievable. One moment Penny is the love of his live and next it's 'who cares'." They both laughed.
"And now he made a new chum Peter but what about Owen that he had been friends with for so long? Not a word about him?"
"He's your son," Lorin's dad said.
"Maybe you need to take him on a father and son camping trip," Lorin's mom said.
"That's a great idea. It'll give him a chance to tell me what he's really thinking about."
"Maybe next weekend or the weekend after?"
Lorin had been home almost two weeks now. His memories of the cotillion and being a bunny were still fresh in his mind, but he could tell they were starting to fade. Day after day being Lorin was taking its toll on him and he knew that he was slowly reacquiring the mannerisms of Lorin. Every loose shirt he had he had worn over and over again and he had become continuously self-conscious about his chest. In one way or another he was hiding it and diminishing it and otherwise keeping his one big secret.
One Thursday afternoon after spending some time with Kenny, Lorin had come home at about 2 O'clock. His mom was in the kitchen and his dad had not yet come home from work. Lorin yelled out a greeting to his mom who said, "there's a large envelope that came to you from camp." Puzzled by what that could be Lorin went to see the mail that was lying on the dining room table. His mom came out of the kitchen to join him. She said, "see that big envelope. It's stiff like it's got a photograph inside it."
Lorin felt a cold nausea come over himself and he picked up the envelope and saw that the return address in large letters was Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad. His mom stood next to him looking down at the envelope. "That's strange, Lorin, it says Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad, the girls camp, and it's addressed to Lauren Baxter? How funny, the envelope is addressed to Lauren Baxter!"
"Huh?" Lorin said trying to act dumb.
"Why does it say L-A-U-R-E-N and not L-O-R-I-N and why would the girls' camp send you something?"
"I bet it's just the cotillion photo. They had a photographer take pictures of the girls. I guess they just send it to the boys also."
"You said you weren't at the cotillion."
"Yeah, it does seem kind of weird. I guess they just send it to all the boys in the upper camp."
"You're probably right, but gosh the dodo that spelled your name wrong!"
Lorin laughed, "probably just that not too many people are familiar with Lorin."
"Sure, I bet that's it," Lorin's mom said. "Let's take a look at the photo."
Lorin felt better able to breathe again. Man, was this a close call he thought. He opened the envelope and saw that there was a large full color picture of the entire group of girls who had gone to the Cotillion. His eyes searched out himself off to the left side of the middle sitting in between Joan and Eileen. The photographer had caught Lorin's image beautifully. He looked as pretty as he had felt that day, wearing his special dress and feeling the love and support of the girls in his cabin. Lorin forced himself to say, "totally weird why they think the boys want this!"
"How beautiful the girls look!" Lorin's mother said. Lorin was holding the photo and made a motion as if to put the photo back in the envelope. His mother took the photo from him and said, "tell me which of the girls you got to know."
Lorin looked over the photograph not knowing what to do. He pointed to a girl on the opposite side of the picture from himself and said, "that's Ann over there." The truth was he did not know that girl's name. His mother did not seem to be following his finger and Lorin glanced at her face. She seemed very tense and he had the strange sensation that all the blood was leaving her face and she was getting quite pale. In a scary, faint and stilted voice his mom said, "who...is...this...girl?" She was pointing directly at the image of Lorin, who was smiling and pretty in his gown.
Lorin's mom turned to look into his face. Just one glance and he knew that his mom knew the truth. A tear fell out of Lorin's right eye and crossed his cheek, and then another and then a tear from his left eye. His mom sat down in a chair, stunned with the wind knocked out of her. "I don't understand. I don't understand." His mother began crying softly and her head hung down and then rested on the table. She put her hands over her head and sobbed. A heart wrenching and miserable grief overtook Lorin and he walked away and sat on the sofa in the next room. The world he had known had just ended.
Lorin heard his mother say, "Lorin, for God's sake tell me why you're at Camp Shoni and dressed like a girl?"
Lorin got up and walked back to the table to stand next to her. With great effort between sobs that suddenly overwhelmed him, Lorin said, "Because I went to Camp Shoni this summer."
"What!?" Lorin's mother screamed in a kind of whiny voice. "As a camper? What are you saying?"
"I switched the camp on the application form and went to Camp Shoni." After a pause, he added, "As a girl."
If it were possible for Lorin's mother's face to get even more distraught than it had been before, Lorin watched as she screwed up her face in an insane look. "I just thought that you had been made a fool of by the girls..."
Lorin realized his blunder. He had said too much - way too much! From perhaps being able to laugh away the whole episode as a sick joke by the girls of Camp Shoni, Lorin was now fully caught in his deceit. His mother resumed crying. It was awful seeing one's own mom cry and Lorin now lay down on the sofa and curled up into a fetal position and cried himself.
Lorin heard his mother get up and pick up the telephone. She dialed a number and a minute later he heard her say, "hello?", "yeah it's me," "no, everything is not all right," "it's Lorin, you've got to come home and talk to him," "he didn't go to Camp Dan!" "yeah, we're waiting." She hung up the phone and announced to Lorin, "your dad will be here in a few minutes."
Lorin looked up at her and she walked away from him. About ten minutes went by and somewhere in the distance Lorin heard the front door open and then close and in a second his dad was standing in the hallway.
"What do you mean Lorin didn't go to Camp Dan?" Lorin's father said.
Lorin's mom got up, picked up the photo and walked over to where Lorin was. "Show your dad and tell him what you told me."
"What's going on. Lorin?"
"I went to Camp Shoni this summer and not Camp Dan."
"Show him the picture!"
Lorin reluctantly held up the picture pointing to himself.
"Lorin? In a dress? What the f..."
Lorin's mom had regained her composure enough to say in the same awful scolding voice she had been using, "your son has been masquerading as a girl this summer at Camp Shoni. We thought we were sending him off to Camp Dan, but he switched the application so he was admitted to Camp Shoni and there he stayed all summer as a boy pretending he was a girl."
"Holy shit!" Lorin's dad exclaimed, "Why in the world did you do that?" Lorin's dad was clearly in a state of disbelief and the words had not yet fully registered.
"How could you?" Lorin's mom rephrased the question.
"Was it to spy on the girls?" Lorin's dad said groping to understand.
"Ohmygod! How perverse!" Lorin's mom exclaimed.
"That's not the reason!" Lorin wailed.
Lorin's father said, "if this is all true..." and the thought petered out. Then he said, "and I always wondered why the camp bill was for Lauren! How a child, our child, could so deceive us. So lie to us. Do something so perverse..."
"You don't understand, dad," Lorin said desperately.
"Yes, we don't understand how you could so truly lie and dupe us."
"I didn't want to lie..."
Lorin's dad cut him off sharply and said, "go to your room. Don't come out until we call for you."
"But dad, you're not letting me explain!"
"What can you possibly say?"
"I'm a girl, dad!"
His dad turned toward him threateningly and said, "Girl my ass! Get up to your room and stay there!"
Lorin headed to the stairway carrying the photograph and went up to his room and shut the door behind himself. He lay down on the bed and took out the photo to get a good look at it. The photographer had done a perfect job. The girls were almost uniformly smiling. Sandwiched between Joan and Eileen on either side and Marcie and Thalia behind him Lauren's pretty smile was matched by that of the other girls. In particular, Marcie had an almost motherly and watchful smile of love for Lauren as she stood directly behind him.
The scrumptiousness of Lorin's skirts and crinolines as they cascaded up in her lap and over slightly onto Joan and Eileen were captured perfectly. Lorin's pretty legs were held together tightly at a slight angle. A bit of lace edging on Joan's slip was visible.
In just about three weeks Lorin had gone from the happiness of this picture to the dismal misery of this afternoon. His parents seem to not have noticed how happy Lorin was in the picture. What parent would not want their child to be that happy?
Lorin could hear his parents talking loudly downstairs. Suddenly he smiled and then started to cry again, but it was crying of a very different nature than he had been crying before. He was crying with happiness because a huge burden had finally been taken off his back after so many months. He no longer had to live with a secret. Yes, his parents might kill his hope of being Lauren, but that would be a different set of misery to deal with than the endless agonizing anxiety and fear that he had felt for almost eight months. Now, he could at least make an attempt at being Lauren. If he were to wear a bra his parents might make him take it off, but at least he would have more than just the night time to wear one.
The afternoon wore on and eventually the sun set and then it was dark outside. During all this time Lorin occasionally heard the sound of his parents talking. At one point he heard Stephanie come in and then there was a whole bunch of talking and then quiet. Lorin smelled food being cooked at one point but nobody came to tell him that dinner was ready.
Eventually it was late and the house was dark and quiet. Lorin was starving but no one came to tell him that he could eat. He went to his computer to see if any of the girls were on line, but there was no wireless service. Clearly his parents had shut down the system. Lorin curled up in his bed in a fetal position and put his thumb in his mouth and tried not think of his hunger.
Eventually, after crying for what seemed like hours he drifted off to sleep.
The next morning Lorin was woken up early by the sound of his parents moving around. He was ravenously hungry, almost to the point of leaving his room to beg for food. Not much later he heard his father's loud footsteps ascending the stairs. His father opened the door to his room without knocking and said, "go down downstairs and get some breakfast."
"Dad, I'm sorry," Lorin said and began to cry.
His dad ignored him and Lorin went downstairs to the kitchen and made himself some cereal. His mother came and went without talking to him. When he was done eating he put his dishes in the sink and went back to his room.
A few minutes later, his mom entered the room and asked, "Where are your clothes? Where is that dress in the photo?"
"Hidden," Lorin said. "I'm sorry mom. You don't understand." He sounded like he was going to become hysterical.
"Where are they hidden?" she said.
Lorin opened up the panel and pointed to the opening. "I am so ashamed of you," his mom said. "Put them on the bed."
Lorin did as she said, carrying a number of small piles of bras, panties and slips to the bed followed by tops and pants and finally his beautiful dress. His mother shook her head in disgust. "All this stuff will go in the trash."
"Can't I keep my dress?" Lorin said. Tears started flowing in earnest once again as he contemplated what his life would now be without even one bra and no panties and his perfect dress lost to him.
Lorin's father entered the room and said to his mother, "Dr. Helmsley can squeeze us in now." To Lorin he said, "Get dressed and come downstairs."
Lorin's parents left the room and Lorin got dressed silently and joined his mom and dad downstairs. He followed them to the car where his dad told him to get in the back seat. Then Lorin's mom and dad got in and they took off.
"Dr. Helmsley's going to check you out and recommend a therapist or private school or whatever they do with kids with behavioral abnormalities."
"But, dad..."
"Quiet!" he barked and Lorin sat quietly. Dr. Helmsley had been Lorin's doctor since birth. In a few minutes they arrived at the office and a few minutes later Lorin was alone with the doctor.
"So Lorin," Dr. Helmsley said, "you've got your parents very upset. They say that you spent the summer sneaking into a girls' camp?"
Lorin nodded his head. He felt scared and embarrassed.
"Lorin, I've known you since you were a few days old. I'm not going to bite you."
Lorin nodded his head up and down showing that he understood. "But why sneak into a girls' camp?"
Lorin started to cry. "OK, we'll get to that later. First I want to check you out a bit."
The doctor checked his ears and mouth and examined his eyes. "You can take off your shirt," Dr. Helmsley said.
"I don't think I should," Lorin said.
"What are you hiding?" the doctor said. He took the shirt by the shoulders and lifted it up over Lorin's head thereby exposing his small breasts.
"You've got breasts?" Dr. Helmsley said incredulously.
The doctor handed a Kleenex to Lorin who blew his nose and wiped his eyes free of tears. Dr. Helmsley finally said, "You're parents have got to see this."
He left the examining room and in a minute Lorin heard a commotion with his parents rushing into the room followed by the doctor. "As you see," Dr. Helmsley said, "Lorin has breasts. His chest looks like that of a young girl just shortly into pubescence."
Lorin watched as his mom and dad stared at him. "He didn't have breasts when he left for camp! How could he have gotten them?"
Dr. Helmsley said, "he's been home for two weeks and you never noticed he had breasts?"
Lorin's parents looked at each other and finally his mother said, "he's been wearing only large shirts. I guess it's something we weren't looking for."
"I suppose that makes sense," Dr. Helmsley said and then continued, "he hasn't gone through puberty yet as a boy, for example his penis hasn't developed. Unless he somehow magically started producing estrogen, which I'm sure is medically impossible, it would mean that he's taking estrogen pills like any transgendered man might do. A man can grow breasts somewhat smaller than their mother's, but noticeable."
"Have you been taking pills?" Lorin's dad asked in a growling voice.
"Can I have a word with you alone?" Dr. Helmsley said to Lorin's parents.
They sent Lorin back to the waiting room and the doctor ushered his parents into his office.
"I fully encourage you to visit a specialist in gender identity but from what I can see Lorin really does view himself as being a girl. His need to have breasts is probably an indelible part of his makeup. I doubt he would have taken all the immense risks he did to go to a girls' camp if it wasn't because the alternative, of being a boy in a boy's camp, is ultimately unbearable for him.
"But Dr. Helmsley..."
"Please let me finish. You have two choices ahead of you. To fulfill his desire or not to fulfill his desire. If you choose not to, then you have to understand that this condition of his is sort of like a cork in the ocean. You can push it down to any depth you want, but inevitably, inexorably it rises to the surface again. The bottom line is that my guess is that you'll never win and the proof is in how far he's gone on his own already. Imagine the courage and tenacity it took him to perform such a feat of deception and then to end up having breasts as well?"
"God made him a boy," Lorin's mother said.
"God also made him a boy who sees himself as a girl," Dr. Helmsley said. "If you really want to pursue this based on a religious doctrine, then I don't know why you brought him here."
Lorin's mother looked hurt and Dr. Helmsley said, "I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I can understand your grief, but the way forward now I think has to be done in a way that takes into account whatever the truths are about Lorin's make up, not what you may want those truths to be. I realize that a parent can easily feel that their children are too young to know what's best for them. That is true for a lot of things, but I do not believe that gender identity is one of them. But you do not have to take my word for it. I encourage you to take him to an expert in child psychology and development, in fact I will give you a couple of names."
"If he was your son, Dr. Helmsley, what would you do?" Lorin's dad said.
"One of my sons is gay, did you know that?" Dr. Helmsley said. "I love him as much as my straight son."
"But when you found out?"
"It was a blow, but I like to think that I made the right decision about accepting him for who he is. The alternative would have been a kind of insanity with so much unhappiness. You see, even if you managed to make Lorin grow up as a boy, he'll be a miserable boy and you'll be planting the seeds for all kinds of unhappiness later on. What is the common expression - you have to pick your fights carefully - the ones you can win. You can win the heart and love of your child or you can think you've won but have lost both his heart and mind. Getting back to what I was saying before. Lorin most likely has a very treatable condition, only the treatment is to let him be who he is and welcome him into your family as a daughter."
Lorin's parents sat with their heads hanging down. His mom dabbed at tears in her eyes. Finally Dr. Helmsley said, "I'm giving you the name of a wonderful expert in the psychology of this condition. Go and make an appointment and you'll have made the first important step in the right direction."
On the way home in the car, Lorin's mom said, "Now I see why your clothes are so unused and barely dirty." She was talking to no one in particular.
"So what do you want for your future?" Lorin's dad said. "You want to be a girl?"
Lorin starting crying and said, "I do dad! I really really do!"
When they got home Stephanie was there. "Where have you all gone?" she asked. "You all look like you've been through a war."
When no one said anything, Stephanie said, "Tell me what's up."
"We went to Dr. Helmsley," Lorin's dad said woodenly, then, turning to Lorin, "Go back to your room."
Lorin quietly left to do what he said.
When he was gone Stephanie said, "What did he say about Lorin?"
"According to the doctor we do not really have much choice as to what we can do, that is, as long as we want to do the right thing."
"You're going to let him be a girl?" Stephanie said.
"I haven't said that," Lorin's dad said. "We're going to enter a process here that is hopefully best for the family. Dr. Helmsley painted a pretty stark picture if we don't take into account Lorin's true nature."
"So he does have boobs!" Stephanie suddenly said. "I could swear that I saw them at dinner the first night he was back."
"Yes, Dr. Helmsley says he's been taking estrogen pills."
"What's going to happen at school? It'll be crazy if he shows up as a girl."
"Dr. Helmsley advises enrolling him across town at Bryant Junior High, so he might get a fresh start where no one knows him."
Stephanie said, "I don't see how Lorin will ever really look like a girl."
Lorin's mom got the cotillion picture from Lorin's room and showed it to Stephanie and she exclaimed, "Can that really be Lorin? He's like a Shirley Temple or a fairy princess."
After dinner and late into the night Lorin's mom and dad had a long agonizing searching of souls. The next morning after breakfast Lorin's mom went up to Lorin's room and entered. She had the cotillion photo in her hand and she looked at it again. She couldn't recall ever seeing her son so happy. The photo seemed to have captured a moment of profound joy. His face and the girls around him radiated something special. A happiness that she supposed people only ever attained when they were young.
She looked at her son as he lay on the bed. He had always been an easy child. Trustworthy and affectionate and perhaps one could say that he had been easier to love than Stephanie. He had no hard edges, he had a gentler nature than his sister. Well, since he was the second born it could just be that she had been a better mother to him. It was hard to say what was innate and what was an adaptation. But Lorin had always been a boy to her. She had never thought of him in any other way. Her fantasy of his future had him being happily married with a couple of kids and an interesting career. How much space should a parent give a child to be themselves? So much space that maybe you have to change everything you ever thought you knew about them? If the Lorin in the photo were standing here right now would she love that person the same? She fought back a stray tear and Lorin came up to her and held her.
"I'm sorry mom for all the trouble I've caused."
His mother put her arms around him and held him tightly. She tried to imagine what sort of life Lorin would have as her daughter. Would one day she be attending Lorin's wedding with him in a white dress? And whom would he be marrying? A man or a woman? Would Lorin want surgery? Would he ever be a mother?
Finally, after the longest time, she said, "Your father sent me up here to talk to you, but what I have to say is from both of us." She looked at the emotions coursing through Lorin's face as he tried to guess what she was trying to say. Lorin's mother smiled suddenly and then, like a parent feels when they get to that stage of life when the joy of giving is so much more satisfying than the joy of receiving, she said, "Your father and I have decided to let you just dress whatever way you want and we won't stop you from being our daughter if that's what you want to be. Except,..."
Lorin screamed and hugged her as hard as he could. "Oh mom, I can't tell you how happy I am!"
"Except one thing, Lorin. We agree to this on the understanding that we will be sending you to a therapist who you have to work with seriously to make sure that you and we are doing the right thing. Understand?"
"Yes mom," Lorin said. As the consequences of his mom's statement worked its way through his mind, Lorin saw his world open up into a brilliantly sunny and hopeful future. "I have to call the girls from camp. They've all been so worried about me."
"They knew?" Lorin's mom asked incredulously.
"They only found out by accident the morning of the cotillion. They were initially upset but then they realized that I really was a girl even if I had one difference. Marcie and Thalia and Joan, my best friends, never felt bad about what I had done. They understood me and it was a real lifesaver."
Lorin's girl clothes were piled on his desk and his mother went through them touching and inspecting them. "It's so beyond my understanding. It's like science fiction. How you could acquire this and hide it. Where did you get it all?"
"I got some at Jensen's, like the dress and some of my, I mean the bras,"
"The day that Stephanie and I ran into you at Jensen's?"
Lorin nodded.
"And the weird phone call about the bras coming in?"
Lorin nodded some more.
"And did you steal clothes from Mrs. McGonagle?"
"I'm sorry. I felt so awful, but she was giving them away and I had so many things I had to buy!"
His mother held up the pink bunnies tee shirt. "So they sent you this shirt here?"
He nodded again.
"Let me see the cotillion dress."
Lorin took it out of the bag and held it up for his mom to see. "What a pretty dress," she said, "what a pretty dress."
When Lauren came down for dinner that night she dressed modestly wearing a tee shirt and jean shorts. Her bra was one of the unpadded ones and she had held off putting polish on her fingers and toes. She did wear her girl sandals and had combed her hair into the style she had had all summer - as best she could anyway. She saw her father take a quick look at her and then concentrate on his dinner. Stephanie was fascinated by Lauren's attire and took many opportunities to look at her. Lauren's mom seemed a bit distracted but not in a bad way. Lauren felt happy and enormously grateful to be there in this room at this table with these people. It was a start, a wonderful, wonderful start.
Epilogue
Please imagine the future for Lauren that you would like - surgery or no surgery, married or unmarried - with one proviso - that whatever this future is it is a happy one. Each of us who is transgendered has the need to find happiness no different than anyone else, but with the added burden of accommodating our innate and wonderful need to dress and perhaps even act like the opposite sex. If compassion ruled the world then it would not be a burden to be transgendered.
I should note that one special class of people in our society are very often compassionate - those who tend to gravitate toward teaching special needs students. One such teacher has had the special compassion and grace to be a loving wife to the author - allowing his female persona to exist in love and freedom. This novel is dedicated to her.
The above work is the copyrighted material of the respective author. If you would like to archive it elsewhere, please contact the author and ask permission first, unless noted otherwise in their story.
Comments
thank you for this story
really wonderful from beginning to end. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Wonderful story!
""It was a start, a wonderful, wonderful start.""
Lauren is one lucky girl!
Loved the ending
Hi Pamela
Thanks so much for this story and the beautiful, slightly bitter sweet but ultimately positive way you concluded it.
Hugs
Alys
This story is a treasure
What a wonderful journey to have taken with Lauren. Thanks for sharing her with us.
Nice ending to a wonderful story.
I'm glad it ended so well for Lauren. I was hoping it might end like this, but was on the edge of my seat till the end. Thanks for sharing, Cheers, Kiwi.
Sweet and Light
To the point I need insulin, as I think my glucose spiked up to four digits after reading the last three episodes all in a row. *dazed look*
Still, better than average in the S&L category!
Ellen, 22nd level Necromancer of Threads
Oh Pamela!
I simply loved the story! Thank you so much for reposting this one. (Hugs) Taarpa
Caught up eventually
There are lots of previously posted stories new to me, I just read this one entire. And enjoyed it. No memory of what link led me to it. Thanks Pamela.
When Mom came up to Lauren's room and looked over her child, Take That were singing "Greatest Day" on the radio. I'm not a fan particularly, but they timed "..Stay close to me, stay close to me.." to perfection. A television producer couldn't have synced it better. I lost my cool a bit.
"Reach for the sun."
such a great story
I cried. I really want to know how the story turns out, during school and beyond.
If I could, I would write it, but I am not that great of a writer like you.
This has been a beautiful,
This has been a beautiful, beautiful story of the trials of a young transgendered person in ultimately finding themselves.
Your timing and sense of mystery and suspense was superb and I just could not stop reading this amended version.
Loved it all
Big congratulations
Alexi
Alexinu
This is a pretty good story.
This is a pretty good story. Well thought out. Charming to read. Heartwarming. Thank you for writing and sharing it.
CS and Tracy
Thanks for all the nice comments. It was interesting to see your reactions. All the best, Pamela
And yes, Tracy is Tracy. She never tries to be anything other than who she is and Greg can take it or leave it. She is a metaphor for all women - and Greg clearly realizes that what he is getting from her is more than enough payment for what onlookers might say is his "humiliation."
[email protected]
Compassion and love
Not enough in this world.
Boys tend to gravitate to Lord of the Flies mentality.
Only girls seem to be reasoning hominids.
One of the, if not the best
One of the, if not the best story I have read. Utterly fantastic. I spent the whole day after reading part 5 and Before part 6. Wondering how Lauren would be able to say herself. I wish that I were her.
Hugs,Kelsey
Loved it
Great story, a real page turner. I was in suspense worried about how the parents would react. Now I need to binge read some more of your stuff.