Jessica’s Journey

 Sequel to Andrews Dilemma

 By, Cain129

Part 5

Special Thanks to Wren Phoenix for the editing.

Synopsis:   Over the last three months life hasn’t been very easy for Jessica. First was the suicide attempt, then she finally accepted that she could no longer live a lie as Andrew, and she truly became Jessica for good. The transition was a tough one, with many trials and tribulations, like meeting her mother as a girl for the first time and eventually getting (and giving) forgiveness.

The worst was the kidnapping and facing her father for the first time as a girl, only to have him die in her arms. Dealing with the aftermath of his death has been difficult, but Jessica has something that Andrew never did. She has the love and support of her adopted family and her friends, and for the first time in her life, she didn’t have to handle everything by herself.

 

Chapter 13

 

After seeing Dr. Humphrey, I was pretty much a basket case. For the next few days, I concentrated on trying to get back into my normal life, with my school work and cheer practice. I noticed that I couldn’t find time to just be alone. It seemed that there was always someone with me. Britney and Natasha would pop up, or maybe Jennifer and Megan wanted to hang out, and when none of them were around there were always Scotty. I knew what they were doing, of course. They were trying to keep me busy so I didn’t have time to think about everything that had happened, and to be honest, I was grateful that they were there.

Most evening I spent studying, and sometimes Dad and I would practice different songs together. It was fun, but I think that he was enjoying it more then I was. Scotty and the guys started inviting me to their practice sessions, and we would just play around with different songs, trying to make them our own. I loved doing this because it allowed me to be creative with the music, which was something that I really enjoyed.

Thursday rolled around before I knew it, and I was busy going through my closet. I was looking for something to wear for Dad’s funeral, but couldn’t really seem to find anything appropriate. It looked like I needed to go shopping to find something that I could wear, so I made my way into the living room where Mom was busy working on something on the computer. I really didn’t want to bother her, but I needed her help.

“Mom,” I said, getting her attention. “I don’t have anything that would be appropriate for the funeral tomorrow. Do you think we can go to the mall after you’re done? I could really use your help with picking out a dress.”

  “Sure baby, let me just finish up here and we can get going.”

“Thanks Mom, I appreciate it.”

 

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After Mom finished up on the computer, the two of us headed for the mall. Under normal circumstances I would have really enjoyed going on a shopping trip with my mother, but these weren’t normal circumstances. I really just wanted to get the dress and leave, but that just wasn’t the case. It’s impossible for a girl to go shopping and leave with just one outfit, especially when you’re shopping with your mother and she thinks everything she sees would look perfect on you.

I would be lying, though, if I said that I didn’t enjoy spending time with Mom. I would have given anything to have moments like this with my birth mother, but that wasn’t meant to be. She never took the time to really get know me, if she had then things might have been different between us.

There was still this part of me that wanted a relationship with her, even after everything that had happened between us. I know that Megan and the others think that I am crazy, but life is not that simple.

She would always be my mother and I would always love her, just like I loved my father. He made my life a living hell at times, but there was always a part of me that craved his love and support. I think that before his death I might have finally reached him, but the years of drinking had taken their toll on him and his sanity. He took his own life, even if it wasn’t by his own hands. He chose to raise his gun at the police, knowing full well that they would be forced to defend themselves.

“Jessica, are you alright?” Mom asked, looking worried

“Sorry Mom, I’m alright, my mind is just not really into shopping. I keep thinking about what happened and about the funeral tomorrow.”

“Let’s find you a dress and we’ll grab a coffee afterwards.” Mom said sadly.

“I’m sorry Mom, under normal conditions, I love to spend the day shopping with you, but at the moment things are a little messed up.”

“There’s no reason to be sorry Jessica, we can go shopping anytime.” Mom said as she put her arm around my shoulder.

Eventually we found a dress that we felt was appropriate. It was a nice black dress that came down just past my knees, with thin shoulder straps and a thin white sweater to go with it. The two of us made it over to footwear, and we started looking for a pair of black pumps that would match my dress.

After trying on several different ones, we eventually picked out a pair that I could walk in without too much trouble. I was really not that accustomed to walking in heels, as up ‘til now I had been wearing mostly sneakers or sandals. After Mom paid for our purchases we headed over to Starbucks and grabbed a couple of coffees, then found a quiet place to sit.

 

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“It looks like you’re ready for tomorrow now, are you sure that you don’t want me to go with you, honey?” Mom asked, then took a drink of her coffee.

“Everything should be alright, Mom. There are going to be a lot of family members there, and I’m not too worried about Mom’s side of the family.”

“I imagine that my birth mother has already told my Aunt Janet about me and it’s not like anyone is going to be there other than Dad’s side of the family.   I was going to have to face them eventually anyway.” I took a drink of my coffee. “I’ll be glad when it’s all over with, then all I will have to deal with is the camping trip.”

“Well honey, I just want you to know that if you need me, you can just call and I’ll come and get you. If you have any problems, I want you to let me know, alright Jessica?” Mom asked.

“I promise Mom, but I really doubt that anything is going to happen, at least not at the funeral. Afterwards though, who knows when it comes to Dad’s side of the family?   I really don’t trust any of them.” I said, frowning.

  “That’s what worries me, Jessica. I’m not really worried about Sarah anymore. I think if she was going to cause any trouble, she would have by now.”

“Yeah, I can’t see her causing any trouble either. She wants to have a relationship with me, even if it isn’t as mother and daughter.”

“We haven’t really talked about it Jessica, but how do you feel about Sarah?” Mom asked, sounding slightly frustrated.

I looked over at her. “She may have giving birth to me, but in every way that matters, you’re my mother. If it came down to making a choice between the two of you, then it’s an easy choice. I would choose you.”

Mom smiled. “You’re not going to have to make that choice, honey. I just wanted to know how you felt, now that the two of you are talking.”

“I want to have a relationship with her, now that she is actually trying, but she needs to get on with her own life. Just like I had to do, but it’s not easy to change.”

“You’re right Jessica, change is never easy, especially when it comes to the person that you are and the person that you want to be. I know that it hasn’t been easy for you either, but you are living proof that a person can change.”

“Just look at yourself now, compared to the person that you were three months ago. You’ve grown up so much, in such a short time.   When you first moved in with us you were filled with hatred towards your mother and father, and even towards yourself.   Somehow along the way you were able to forgive them, even after everything that they had done to you. To be honest with you I don’t know if I would be able to do the same if I was in your place, sweetheart.” Mom admitted.

“I just got tired of holding on to all that crap, it was making me sick and I didn’t want to end up like my mother. She carried everything that had happened to her all of her life, and look at the choices she made because of it. She couldn’t put the past behind her, and she couldn’t deal with life, let alone being a mother to her child. In the end, she had a complete nervous breakdown and lost everything. That isn’t going to happen to me,” I said firmly. “I’m not going to make the same mistakes that she did.”  

“I don’t think that you have to worry about that happening Jessica. If you ask me you are more mature then most kids your age.”

“Yeah, maybe, but in many ways I had no choice but to grow up fast, especially when you come from the kind of household I was raised in.”

“Well honey, that’s all in the past now, and what happens in the future is really up to you.” Mom said with a smile.

“I prefer to live a day at a time, life is less complicated that way.” I said with a determined smile.

“Whatever works for you, baby.” Mom said as she drank her coffee.

 

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We finished our coffees, and then we had to pick up the sleeping pills that Dr. Humphrey had prescribed. The pharmacy wasn’t very busy, and the lady told us that it would be ready in 10 minutes, so we just spent the time looking around the store checking out what was on sale.

Had we thought of it earlier we could have called it in, but I guess neither one of us gave it much thought. It wasn’t that bad and the time eventually passed. Mom and I retrieved the sleeping pills and were on our way home. I was already pretty tired out, and to be honest I really didn’t see any use in taking the sleeping pills tonight other then being able to sleep through the night.

After arriving home Mom went back to her computer, and I headed off to my room to hang up my new dress, then I spent the next hour working on my homework. Over the last week I had managed to close the gap and was almost caught up in all of my subjects. I devoted most of my time to catching up rather then worrying about the new assignments.   I had been attending classes when most of that was being taught, so I had most of it memorized and was able to do that homework during study period.

Just before I was ready to head off for bed for the night, there was a knock on my door.

“Jessica, can I come in?”   Megan said

“It’s open, sis.” I said, and then she came inside.

“I just was wondering how you made out tonight?” Megan said, wanting to see the dress that mom and I bought.

“We did alright, but I really wasn’t in a shopping mood. I was just glad to get the dress and leave, want to see it?” I said with a smile.

Megan smiled. “Sure, that would be nice.”

I walked over and opened my closet, then took it out along with the white sweater and my new black pumps. I brought it over and placed them on my bed.

“Wow Jessica, this is really nice, but where is your slip?   This material is a little thin to wear without one.” Megan said picking up my black dress.

“I didn’t even notice that I would need one, and I guess Mom didn’t either. Do you have one that I could borrow for tomorrow, Megan?”

“Yeah, I have a few black ones that should do the job.” Megan said with a smile.

“I love the dress though; you should hang on to it. You never know, Scotty might take you to a fancy restaurant.” Megan teased as she hung my dress back up in the closet then joined me on the bed.

Megan and I talked for a bit mostly about Jeff, he had called her while Mom and I were at the mall and asked her out on another date. I was happy for her, she really seemed to be hitting it off with Jeff, and to be honest I really liked him and thought the two of them were good for each other, and I told Megan so.

Megan could tell that I was getting pretty tired after taking my meds and she left me to get some sleep. The pills seemed to do the job, because I was pretty much out cold as soon as I changed into my nightgown and climbed into bed for the night.

 

 

Chapter 14

 

The next morning, I was once again awakened by that damn woodpecker, and I thought to myself of all the places the little bugger could find breakfast, why did it have to be outside my damn window. I slowly made my way over and opened the window, and the noisy little pain turned and looked over at me. “Don’t you have somewhere else you can go for breakfast?”   The little bugger started bopping his head and then went back to looking for his breakfast.

I thought to myself, who needs an alarm clock with this little pain in the ass showing up every morning? I spent most of next hour having a nice bath, fixing my hair, getting dressed and doing my makeup. After I was finished, I looked in the mirror and said to myself it was time to face the world. I made my way into the kitchen, and found Mom already busily making breakfast as I walked inside.  

“Good morning, Mom.” I said taking a coffee mug and filling it.

“Good morning honey, how did you sleep?”

“Alright I guess, the pills seemed to help.” I said as I poured some milk and sugar into my coffee.

“That’s good honey, things will be better after today.” Mom said with a smile.

“I know Mom, I just want to get it over with, the less time I spend around my family the better, especially Dad’s side of the family.”

“Well after this Jessica, you won’t have to bother with any of them again.”

“Thank God, that’s one chapter of my life I want to put behind me.” I said smiling.

“I can’t say that I blame you Jessica.” Mom said as she placed a plate of eggs and bacon in front of me.

“I’d better get your sister up, otherwise she’ll never get out of bed. I wish that she was more like you. Most mornings you’re up early and ready to go.” Mom said.

“Megan doesn’t have a woodpecker as an alarm clock like I do.” I giggled.

 

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As I sat there I wondered, was it truly over or was this just a grace period before the something else happened? I have been having this nagging feeling for the last couple of days that some bad was going to happen, but considering all that I had been through, was it just my mind playing tricks on me? I guess time would tell in any event, but for the moment I had a funeral to deal with.

A few minutes later Megan made her way into the kitchen. I could tell that she was still half asleep. “Good morning, sis.” I said with a smile.

“Good morning Jessica.” Megan yawned, as she took a seat at the table. “That dress really suits you.”

“Thanks Megan, Mom and I went through a lot of different ones before finding this one. This was the only one that I really liked, most of the other ones I saw wouldn’t have been appropriate for a funeral.”

“I like it though, it’s a shame that you have to wear it to a funeral, because it would also be good for a dressy date out with Scotty.” Megan said with a smile.

“I doubt that Jessica would be able to wear it very long anyway, she is starting to fill out.” Mom said with a smile. “I would imagine that before long, we’re going to need to do some real shopping.”

“Yeah, Mom’s right, I’ve noticed that my clothes are starting to feel a little tight.”

“I need a few things too, maybe next week we can see what Britney, Natasha and Jennifer are up to. Maybe we could spend the day at the mall shopping, hmmm?” Megan said with a hopeful smile and puppy dog eyes.

“Sounds like fun, and I could always use some help.” I said, giggling at her.

“That’s one of the bonuses of shopping as a group.   I know that sometimes I see something that I think looks good on me at the store, but once I bring it home and see it under another light, I realize that it really wasn’t what I wanted. Then it pretty much ends up hanging up in my closet and never gets used.” Megan said frowning.

“I think that’s normal, whether you are a boy or girl. I’ve found the same thing when I went shopping for jeans, they seemed like a good fit until I was wearing them and had a chance to really see how they looked on me. It was then that I really noticed that the style didn’t suit me. Then again, they were boy’s jeans and because of my condition I was already developing as a woman. So there was really no way that they would have fit correctly anyway.” I said smiling.

 

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After breakfast Megan headed off to school while Mom and I did up the dishes. I spent most of the morning doing up my homework and listening to music in my room. There were a few phone calls that came in as I worked. One was from my birth mother, wanting to know if I was going to be at the funeral.  

I really didn’t want to be rude but it was really hard to talk to her about Dad. I would talk to her eventually but today was his funeral and I was having a hard enough time holding things together as it was. I told her I would see her at the funeral and we could talk afterwards if she wanted, then I ended the call and went back to my studies.  

 

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The rest of the morning went by pretty calmly, and before long it was time for Mom and me to get going.   The ride was a quiet one and as we pulled into the parking lot, I saw a familiar car parked and inside it was Scotty. I looked over at Mom.

“Did you know that Scotty was going to be here?” I asked.

“Yes honey, he called this morning and wanted to know where the service was and what time it was being held.” Mom said smiling. “You better go, honey,” she said, giving me a hug and kiss. I smiled and told her that I would see her later, and then got out of the car. I ran over to Scotty’s car and climbed in the passenger side

“You didn’t have to come, Scotty I would have been alright, but I am glad to see you.” I said, leaning over and giving him a hug and kiss.

“I love you Jessica, do you really think that I would let you go through something like the alone?” Scotty asked with a smile.

“Believe me, Scotty, I’m happy to see you and I wanted to ask you, but there are going to be people here that are not going to be happy to see me, and I didn’t want to put you in middle of it.” I said sadly

“Jessica, what can they say that I don’t already know? Secondly, do I really look like I give a flying fuck what anyone has to say about you? I love you and that is really all that matters. Whatever they thought you were in the past doesn’t make any difference to me, because as far as I am concerned you have always been a girl.” Scotty said smugly.

Hearing those words coming from Scotty pretty much brought me to tears. Over the last three months the two of us had become really close. I had never been in love with anyone, but I knew at that moment that I truly loved Scotty, and I knew whatever happened that I could depend on him. All of my life the only person that I could really depend on was myself. Life was easier that way. I had been hurt too many times by the people that were supposed to love and protect me, but as I looked into Scotty’s eyes I knew that I could finally let go and trust someone.

 

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Scotty and I just stayed in the car for awhile, until it was time to go inside.

“Are you ready?” Scotty asked

“Yeah honey, lets get this over with.” I said sadly, but with determination.

Once the two of us climbed out of Scotty’s car, Scotty took my hand and gave it a squeeze and the two of us made our way inside the funeral home. I looked around and saw that most of Dad’s family was already there, and then I saw my Aunt Janet and my mother who was beside her. I turned to Scotty. “There is my mom and Aunt Janet. We’ll sit with them, alright?” I said and the two of us made our way over to where my mother was sitting.

“Hi Mom, Aunt Janet.” I said as Scotty and I approached.

When Mom turned, she smiled and gave me a hug. “Jessica, I’m so glad you made it!”

I looked over at Aunt Janet and smiled, by the look on her face I knew that she was surprised. I definitely wasn’t what she was expecting, but she shook her head then came over and took me in her arms.

“Sarah said you were beautiful, but I thought that it was just a mother’s opinion, Jessica.   She‘s right, though, you really are.” Aunt Janet said with a smile. She turned to Scotty, then back to me.

“And who is this handsome young man with you?”

“Mom, Aunt Janet, this is my boyfriend Scotty.” I said happily.

“It’s nice to meet the both of you,” Scotty said with a smile.

“How long have the two of you the two of you been dating?” Mom asked.

“We started dating three months ago, but have known each other for a couple of years.” Scotty said with a smile.

“The two of you make a nice couple.” Aunt Janet said with a smile.

“Yeah, the only thing that the two of us don’t have in common is football. He loves it and I hate it, but nobody’s perfect.” I said smiling.

“You seemed to enjoy yourself at the last game?” Scotty said.

“Yeah, I did, but that was because you were playing, otherwise I would have never gone to the game.” I admitted to him.

I guess Aunt Janet found our verbal banner funny and she started giggling. “Are you sure that the two of you have only been seeing each other for just three months? You act like an old married couple.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, ‘cause in many ways the relationship that I shared with Scotty was deeper then just two teenagers in love, maybe because most kids our age never had to deal with the same issues that I’ve had to deal with. We didn’t have time to continue our conversation as Pastor Myers started the service.

Mom was an emotional basket case for most of the service. I had taken a seat next to her, and pretty much ended up holding her as she cried for most of the service. I found myself crying too, as I thought about those last moments that I had spent with my father as I held him in my arms.

I thanked God for Scotty being there with me, because he just held me and I felt safe in his arms. Every now and then he would kiss me. I had never felt this kind of love before, and as I sat there I thanked God for the life that he had given me. It might not have started out the way that I wished it would have, but then again when does life ever work out the way you planned?

 

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It was a nice service and most of Dad’s family and friends were here. For the most part I felt comfortable, until I got that feeling you get when someone is staring at you. I looked over and ended up locking eyes with my Uncle James, my father’s younger brother and he didn’t look all that happy to see me there.

After the service ended I turned to Scotty. “We’d better get going. I don’t like the looks that I’m getting from Dad’s side of the family.” I watched my uncle talking to the rest of the family and I saw the nasty way they looked at me as Uncle James pointed me out to them. I turned to Mom and Aunt Janet.

“It was nice talking to you both, and I hope that we can do it again sometime under better circumstances.”

“Jessica, you’re welcome to visit anytime.” Aunt Janet said as she reached over and gave me a hug. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t have been there for you in the past. Let’s just say your father and I never really got along. He was too much like my own father, and being around him brought back all those bad memories. I would really welcome the chance to get to know my niece.”

I smiled, happy for her acceptance. “Aunt Janet, I don’t blame you for not wanting to visit. When Dad drank, he was a monster that didn’t care about anyone but himself. I had to live with his mental and physical abuse for years.

Towards the end though, the monster was gone and I had a chance to spend time with the father that I knew and loved all those years ago, before the drinking drove him insane. Before he died he asked me to forgive him. I came here today for him, not the monster that helped raise me.

Let’s just leave the past where it belongs, Aunt Janet. I would love to get to know you better and once everything is settled down, I’ll call you.”

I turned to Mom. “I love you, Mom. I’ll give you a call you once I get back from my camping trip, and we can get the house sorted together.”

Mom reached over and took me in her arms. “I love you too, Jessica and thanks for coming. I don’t think I would have been able to make it though this without you.”

 

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After Scotty and I said our goodbyes, the two of us made our way outside and started walking towards where Scotty had parked his car, only to be cut off by my Uncle James and my Aunt Karen.

“How dare you show your face here, you’re the reason that he died. If there wasn’t anyone else here believe me, I would beat you to an inch of your life, you fucking sissy.” Uncle James said in anger.

I looked at my uncle and could feel my own anger coming to a head. “You fucking bastard, the reason he’s dead was because he kidnapped me and refused to let the cops take him. He killed himself, and if you had half a brain you would realize that.”

Had I been thinking at the time, I might not have said what I did, but I wasn’t thinking, I was reacting. Before I knew what happened, I was on the ground with blood coming from my nose and my head hurt really badly from hitting the ground. That’s when everything went black.

 

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