Jessica’s Journey

Sequel to Andrews Dilemma

By, Cain129

Part One

Special Thanks to Wren Phoenix for the editing.

 

Chapter 1

 

After giving the police my statement, I was finally allowed to go home. I made it home, but I was an emotional wreck. Watching my father die in my arms had done something to me. Having hated the man for most of my life, I should have been glad to see him gone. Still, there was this part of me that loved him and his dying words had affected me. Why did it take him dying before he could admit he was wrong?

In the end, I believe that he finally accepted me as his daughter. I’m sure the police had already told my mother that he was dead, and I wondered how she had taken the news. I hand’t lied to my father; I knew that my mother still loved him. How else could they have stayed together for all those years?

I was reluctant to see her, but I knew that it was something that I had to do. Even though I was being adopted by Janice and Anthony, she had been the one that gave birth to me and she shouldn't’t have to go through something like this all alone.

Last night had been the hardest night that I’d ever had. I cried myself to sleep, but kept waking up, reliving the events over and over again. I knew that I was not going to get through this alone. I needed help to deal with all that had happened. I felt as if I was hanging by a thread that would eventually snap.

I looked over at the clock. It was only 5am, but I slowly dragged myself out of bed, turned on the lights and made my way over to the bathroom. As I passed the mirror, I took a look, and what I saw looking back was frightening. I looked terrible. My hair looked like it had been styled by an army of angry squirrels, my eyes were blood shot, and I badly needed a bath.

After filling up the bathtub, I removed my clothes, chucked them in the laundry basket, climbed into the tub and just relaxed. The water was a little to hot but not enough for me to bother getting out.     I laid there soaking for about an hour, then pulled the plug and climbed out.

I spent the next 30 minutes getting dressed and doing my makeup, I was’t planning on sitting around the house feeling sorry for myself. I looked at the clock, and noticed

It was still early. I would probably be the only one up for at least an hour.   I went into the kitchen, put on a pot of coffee, then clicked the power button on the radio and took a seat at the kitchen table, waiting for the coffee to brew. I was’t normally a big fan of coffee, but I needed something to help kick start the day.

Once the coffee was finished, I poured myself a cup and put some milk and sugar in to get rid of the bitterness.   I was pretty much lost in thought when Mom came into the kitchen. She gave me a small smile, then came over, wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. It felt so good to be held by her.

“How are you doing, sweetie?” She asked, walking over and pouring herself a cup of coffee

“I’ve had better days.” I admitted with a frown.

“Give it time, baby. Your father and I probably should’t have let them take you.” Mom said with regret.

“It’s not your fault, Mom, I had to do this, it was the only way to put an end to it. I just wished it would have ended differently.” I said, as a tear ran down my cheek.

“So do I, sweetheart.”

“I just don’t understand, why? Mom, there was no reason for him to kill himself.”

“Your father was a very sick man, Jessica.” Mom pointed out sadly.

“Yeah, but towards the end, things seemed to change. He was like he used to be towards me and I think he finally accepted me as his daughter. I saw a side of him that I hand’t seen in years, and then he does something stupid and kills himself. WHY?” I cried, angrily.

“I can’t answer that question, baby. It’s one of those questions you may never find the answer to. All I can tell you is that in time, it will get easier.” Mom said, wrapping her arms around me.

“Why is life so complicated?” I asked with a sigh.

“That’s a good question.” Mom said, smiling.

After finishing my coffee, I gave Mom a hand making breakfast. As I placed the bread in the toaster, I turned to her. “Can you give me a drive to the hospital, later?”

“Why, honey? I kind of thought you would be staying home today.” Mom asked

“I have to talk to my birth mother.” I told her, sadly.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea, Jessica?”

“I have no idea, Mom, but it’s something that I have to do. I’m all she has left now, and she’s going to need me, now more then ever.”

“Alright, honey, but if it gets to be too much for you to handle, you can call me and I will come get you,” she suggested.

“I think it would be a good idea for me to see Dr. Humphrey too, Mom.”

“All right baby. I’ll give her a call and see if she can squeeze you in.”

“Thanks, Mom. I don’t know what I would do without you.” I said, giving her a hug.

 

  [-][+][-]

 

When Mom and I finished making breakfast, she went upstairs to get Dad and Megan out of bed.   While she was doing that, I finished setting the table. It didn’t take very long before everyone started pouring into the kitchen.

I could tell that Megan and Dad were worried about me. They came over, gave me a hug and told me when I was ready to talk that they were ready to listen. I did my best to hold things together and was thankful that neither one of them pushed me about what happened. Eventually I would talk to them about it, but this wasn’t the time.   

After Megan headed off to school and Dad headed off to work, it was pretty much just Mom and I at home. I gave her a hand cleaning up and doing the dishes. When we finished, she went upstairs to get dressed so she could drop me off at the hospital.

 

 

Chapter 2

 

The drive to the hospital was not an easy one. Part of me just wanted to go home and climb back into bed, rather then deal with everything that had happened. I knew that this was something that I needed to do, though.

“How are you doing, baby?” Mom asked.

“All right I guess, though part of me just wants to go home and hide from the world.” I admitted.

“You know you don’t have to do this right now, don’t you?”

I know Mom, and with everything that has happened, I have a good excuse not to. I think she’s going to need me right now, and even with everything that she has done to me. I just can’t walk away. It’s not who I am.” I said with a frown.

“Well, give me a call when you’re ready, and I’ll pick you up.” Mom said.

 

[-][+][-]

 

After Mom dropped me off I made my way inside, and headed over to the information desk. I told the lady who I was and asked her for directions to my mother’s room, then headed over to the elevator and clicked the button for the 7^th floor. I was feeling pretty edgy as the elevator neared her floor. Soon the elevator reached its destination, but I still had a long walk still ahead of me. I eventually found the doors to psychiatric ward were locked to provide security. I had to ring a buzzer and wait for someone to be let inside.

Eventually I was met by a nurse who opened the door for me.   “Hello, can I help you?” asked the nurse.

“Hi, my name is Jessica Roberts, and I am here to see my mother, I know that it’s not the right time for visitors, but I really need to see her regarding her husband and my father.” I said sadly

“Come on inside, I’ll call her doctor, he’ll want to talk to you first.” The nurse said, and I followed her inside. She eventually took me to a waiting room and told me to wait and Dr. Robbins would come in shortly.”

 

[-][+][-]

 

There was this part of me that just wanted to leave but I forced myself to stay put. I waited for about 1o minutes before a man in a white coat came through the door, it looked to be in his late forties.   I figured that it had to be Dr. Robbins, as he entered the room he said. “Jessica Roberts”

I smiled. “Yes, that’s me.”

“What’s going on here, part of my job is to check patient files for relatives and Sarah has no daughter.” Dr. Robbins said plainly.

I looked at Dr. Robbins, “Your records are out of date, I used to be Andrew Roberts, but as you can see that isn’t who I am now.”

He looked at me, surprised. “Are you saying you’re a transsexual?”              

“What I am is not really any of your business, but if you must know I had a medical condition that was misdiagnosed and spent the last 16 years living as a boy, but as you can see that has been corrected. My father is dead and my mother is alone. Rather than discussing my medical issues, let’s discuss what can be done to help her.” I said a little irritated.

“All right Jessica, I am sorry for the misunderstanding. The police came last night and we broke the news to your mother. She is not doing very well his death hit her pretty hard. How are you taking things?” He asked me, looking concerned

“Not too good, he died in my arms. My step mother is trying to get me in to see Dr. Humphrey, and she’s the doctor that I have been seeing.”

“I would imagine that under the circumstances she will squeeze you in.” Dr. Robbins said reassuringly.

“Normally we wouldn’t allow visitors at this time of morning but under the circumstance I think that we can make an exception and I think it will do your mother some good having a visit from you.” Dr. Robbins said

“It’s hard being around her with everything that has happened in our past.   I’m really all she has left and I can’t walk away from her, at least not at this time. Now, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure Jessica, what is it?”

“How is my mother really doing and do you think she is serious about wanting to change? I have to know, because she was abusive towards me. I really don’t want to waste my time on her if this is all an act.”

“I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, but I think that it might be beneficial for both of you. I’ve been working with your mother now for close to a month. We have spoken about what happened with her father and what happened between you and her. I really do believe that she is serious about wanting to change, but you cannot expect it to happen overnight. She has been hiding for most of her life from a serious trauma. This has become a way of survival for her.   If you are asking me if, in my opinion, it is worth trying to trust her, I would have to say that I believe she feels guilty for what she did to you, and would do anything if it meant having you in her life.”

After taking in what Dr. Robbins had said, I turned to him.

“I’m willing to give it a shot, but a mother/daughter relationship is, at least for now, too painful. I have new parents that love and support me and I’m not willing to give that up. I will try to be here for her, and perhaps in time we can work things out. Thank you for your honest input, I needed to hear it from someone who knows the truth.”

“It’s not a problem, Jessica. Now, if you’re ready, I will take you to your mother.” Dr. Robbins said with a smile.

 

[-][+][-]

 

Dr. Robbins and I walked down a long hallway till we reached a door with Mom’s name on it. He turned to me. “I will leave you here. If you need me, just ask for one of the nurses.”

I watched him head down the hall, and then lightly tapped on the door.   I heard Mom’s voice telling me to come inside. I slowly opened the door. The first thing that I noticed was how dark the room was.   I slowly reached over by the door and turned on the lights. I noticed that her eyes were as bloodshot as mine had been. She looked over at me with a surprised expression.

“Jessica, you came!” and before I knew what was happening, I found her arms around me as she broke down crying.

I helped her over to the bed and just held her. This wasn’t the woman that I remembered.

“It’s all right, Mom. I’m here; you don’t have to go through this all alone.” I said as I started crying myself.

After Mom and I calmed down, she turned to me.

“Are you alright, honey? The police officers told me what happened. I was so worried about you! I wanted to call you, but I didn’t know if you would want to hear from me.” Mom said, sadly.

“It’s alright, Mom. You could have called, but I understand why you didn’t. I’m not doing well at all,” I admitted, crying. “I’m barely holding it together. He died in my arms, Mom, but he wasn’t the monster anymore. He was like he was before he started drinking again.”

“He treated me like I was his daughter, and said he was sorry for everything. I just wish it didn’t take him dying before he could say those words to me.”

Mom wrapped her arms around me as I let my feelings out.

“It’s all right, honey,” she said softly. “It’s just going to take us time to get over this.”

“I just don’t understand! Why?” I wailed. “He didn’t have to die, Mom. None of this makes any sense to me.”

Mom looked at me. “I don’t know what to tell you, honey. You know your father was an alcoholic, and he had his own ways. He blamed everyone else for his problems, you know this better then anyone. He treated you terribly, Jessica, and I wasn’t any better. Honey, I was too messed up with my own problems to pay attention to what you were going through. I’m your mother, and it was my job to protect you. I was too afraid, I couldn’t even do that. I am so sorry Jessica, please forgive me. I was as much a monster as your father ever was.” Mom admitted as she broke down in tears.

“I forgive you, Mom. I didn’t understand before, but I do now.” I rocked her in my arms. “Let’s just leave the past behind us. I think both of us have been living in the past long enough.”

“Thank you, Jessica. You don’t know how much that means to me.” Mom said, as she tried to get control of herself.

“So what are you going to do now, Mom?”

“To be honest, I’m not sure, but I think I’m going to sell the house. There are just too many memories there.”

“I think that’s a good idea, Mom. Maybe you should look into getting a smaller two bedroom place.” I said, smiling.

Mom looked at me, “You’re not saying what I think you’re saying?”

“Mom, I can’t forget what happened between us, but I think I can forgive you in time. For now, my plans haven’t changed. I think it’s best for both of us if I’m adopted by the Tanners.   I’m happy there, and I know that it’s the right decision for now, but it doesn’t mean that I have to cut you out of my life.   I want a relationship with you Mom, and maybe in time the two of us can be more. I really don’t know what the future holds. I’m willing to try if you are.”

Mom looked at me. “I am willing to try and I think you’re right, as much as I dislike it. The Tanners are good people and they will care for you while I deal with my own issues.”

“Do you have any idea when you will be discharged, Mom?”

“I was supposed to go home next week, but I really don’t know if I am ready to return to an empty house. I know that I have to get everything packed. I’ll be staying with your Aunt Janet for awhile, and then I guess that I will be looking into finding my own place.” Mom said.

“Call me when you’re ready to start packing, Mom. I’ll come over and give you a hand, there’s no reason you have to deal with that alone.   As far as Dad’s funeral, I’m not sure what to do about that. His family will be there and I don’t think they’re going to be happy to see me.”

“They can go straight to hell!” Mom said, angrily. “Whether they like it or not, you are his daughter. You have every right to be there. Your father created his own problems, and if they don’t like it, that’s their problem.”  

I smiled, I had never seen my mother cursing like that and I had to admit that I liked what I was seeing. She had changed so much since coming into the hospital and I had to admit to myself I was proud of her.

 

[-][+][-]

 

Mom and I talked for another hour, and then I told her that I had better be going. It was nice to have talked with her, but I was concerned that I still needed to talk to someone to help me deal with the pain that I was going through. I told her she could call me anytime she wanted to talk and gave her my cell phone number. Before I left I gave her a hug and kiss.

As I left the ward, I called Janice and asked her to pick me up and told her I would be waiting outside of the main entrance.

 

[-][+][-]

 

As I waited outside I thought about my life and where I was going from here. Like anyone else I had my dreams but I think that everything that had happened over the past few months had changed me. When I looked at Megan and Jennifer, they were happy go lucky teenage girls and to be honest I didn’t feel like that. I wished that I did because like would be a lot easier but somehow, it felt like I had grown up and was starting to see life from an adults point of view.

I had everything that I ever wanted now but it still didn’t seem like enough. There was always this part of me that wanted more.

I should be happy with being a girl. It was all I had ever wished for, but it wasn’t enough and that scared me. The problem with trying to take your own life once, it proves that you can do it again and that scared me. The day I tried to take my life, I just didn’t wake up and say I was going to kill myself, something inside me snapped and I was afraid that it could happen again.

When you’re in that kind of pain, you aren’t thinking rationally and the scary part is you don’t even see it coming. One minute you’re alright and your world seems perfect, then boom, it happens and you crash. Most people who haven’t been there wouldn’t understand it, but those who have understand just how quickly something like that can hit you.

That’s what scared me right now. I knew that it wouldn’t take too much to put me over the edge. I was in so much emotional pain from everything that happened, and I just wanted to be at peace, even if it was just for short while. I knew the only way to get over something like this was to stop running and face the pain.   that was easier said then done. I knew that the best thing that I could do at the moment was to keep busy and talk things out.

 

[-][+][-]

 

Chapter 3

 
 

I waited for about 30 minutes, then Mom pulled up and I climbed in beside her.

“How did it go Jessica?” She asked, seeing that I was still hurting.

“All right, I guess. She took it pretty hard, as I expected, and the two of us had a good cry together.”

“Well, it’s good that the two of you are able to talk about it. At least I know that you aren’t holding the pain inside, like before.” Mom said with a smile.

“Any news from Dr. Humphrey’s office?” I asked.

“I called the office, but she is out of town until tomorrow. She hadn’t planned to see any patients tomorrow, but the receptionist called her and told her what had happened, so she is going to squeeze you in tomorrow morning at 10 o’clock.” Mom said with a reassuring smile.

“Good, I think I need to talk to her before I completely loose it.” I said softly.

“I know that I shouldn’t, but I can give you something that might help calm your nerves for a bit.” Mom said as she put the car into drive.

While Mom drove, I looked out the window and noticed that she was not driving towards home.

“Where are we going, Mom?” I asked.

“I don’t see the use in us going back to the house, just so you can mope in your room. It’s about time you met your new grand parents.” Mom said with a smile.

“Mom, I really don’t think that I would be very good company today.” I said sadly.

“That’s nonsense, Jessica.” Mom said with a smile. “Besides there is something I wanted to show you.”   

“All right, Mom, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I said as I moped in my sadness.

While Mom drove, I went back to watching the scenery. I could see that we were leaving the city and heading into the country and to be quite honest I was slightly pissed with being dragged out here, when all I really wanted was time to myself. I was starting to see that once mom made up her mind, there was no telling her otherwise. I had remembered Megan telling me this before, but I’d just shrugged it off.   I was now seeing exactly what she meant.

Don’t get me wrong, I was grateful for having her in my life. She had given me so much, and I was grateful. There were times that she seemed a bit “over protective” when it came to me. Maybe even more so then she was when it came to Megan. I think perhaps she was this way because of everything that I had been through and she was afraid I would have a relapse. Maybe she had good reason to worry, especially considering the way I’ve been feeling lately. I couldn’t fault her because she truly cared about me, and I had never really had someone like her. Even my real mother and I had never really had a close relationship, not like Janice and I have.

So maybe the problem wasn’t Janice, maybe I was the problem. I had changed a lot since I accepted who I was, but in many other ways I was still that scared little boy that I used to be. The one that felt so alone and unloved. I knew that it was all crap, because I had people that cared about me now. In many ways, I was my own worst enemy, and that was something I really needed to work on.

It was at that minute that my cell phone started ringing.   When I looked at the call display I saw that it was Amy. It was funny how almost every time my life started to spiral out of control, she always seemed to show up or call.

“Hello,” I said as I answered the phone.

“Hi sis, I thought I’d give you a call to see how you were doing, and if we were still getting together on Saturday”, Amy said cheerfully

“I really don’t think that I would be very good company, Amy.”

“What’s wrong Jessica?” Amy asked.

I spent the next ten minutes explaining what had happened.   By the time I was finished, she was pretty pissed off.   It bothered her that no one had called her to let her know, but she reasoned that everyone must have been a pile of nerves and just not thinking clearly.

“Jessica, I’d still like to get together if you feel up to it. We were going to spend the weekend camping, and maybe getting away from everything, would do you some good.”

I thought about it. Maybe getting away for the weekend would be a good idea. If I stayed home, all I would be doing is moping around the house like Mom said.

“Amy, I’ll have to talk it over with Mom, but I’ll give you a call back later today, all right?”

“Alright, call me later!” Amy said and ended the call.

“That was Amy, she asked me to go camping with her and Tara.”

“Do you want to go?” Mom asked.

“I think so, maybe some getting away for the weekend will help.” I said, thoughtfully.

“Well, if you want to go, I am fine with it. I’m sure that as long as Amy is with you, I have nothing to worry about.” Mom said smiling.

“Maybe Scotty might want to come.” I said, thinking aloud.

“I don’t know if that is a good idea, honey.” Mom said sounding worried

“It’s alright Mom, we can’t do anything anyway, I am still healing down below.” I said with a smile, knowing that was what was worrying her. “Besides, when I do make love to a man, I want it to mean something.”

Mom smiled.” So you were listening to me, the day we had that talk.”

“I always listen to you Mom, unfortunately you seem to be always right.” I said with a smile.

“Years of experience honey, someday you will be having that same talk with your daughter.” Mom said with a smile.

“I only hope to have a family of my own someday, but the thought of bringing a child into the world scares the hell out of me.”

“Why does it scare you?” mom asked

“I guess mostly because of how I was brought up. I don’t want to end up like my birth mother. She never planned to hurt me the way that she did, she was just messed up emotionally, just like me.” I said, sadly.

“You don’t have to end up like your mother, Jessica. There is a big difference between the two of you, and the fact that you can see how messed up you are means you can do something about it.   It’s your choice, it always has been.” Mom said with a smile.

 

[-][+][-]

 

I thought about what Mom had said. She was right, ever since leaving the hospital and moving in with the Tanners, I’d been the one making most of the decisions.

The biggest one had been to embrace who I really was inside and finding the strength to continue living. Before that day I had been running or hiding, unable to make those choices because I had been consumed by fear.

The past was a painful place and many of those memories and emotions were still pretty close to the surface. I had to be careful not to dwell on them, those thoughts were like poison to me and would only tear down everything that I had accomplished. The life that I have now had its ups and downs but it was my life. I had chosen this, even though the cost had been high.

I couldn’t help but grieve for the loss of my father. The man was an abusive drunk but he wasn’t always that way. In the end, the abusive monster had left and the man that I had loved returned. That was who I was grieving for, not the monster that had made my life a living hell.

Yes, I would get over this in time. I needed to deal with my pain, and not let it consume me. I would accept the help I needed, and I would move forward. There was no other way around it.

I took out my phone, looked at the time, then called Amy.

“Hi Amy, it’s me. I just talked to Mom and it looks like I’ll be joining you and Tara this weekend. I was wondering though, would you mind if Scotty joined us?”

“It’s fine with us, but I’m surprised your Mom gave her approval!”   Amy said.

“She was a little worried about him joining us, but I told her that the two of us were not going to do anything. Even if I could, medically I am not ready for something like that.”

“Well, like I said, it’s fine with us, Jessica. How are we going to do this, are you and Scotty driving up with Tara and I, or will you be following us up in Scotty’s car?.”

“I still have to call him, but once I know I’ll give you a call back. I’d imagine he would want to drive there himself. It might be a good idea to have the two cars anyway. Just in case one breaks down, we won’t be stuck out in the middle of nowhere.” I said.

“Alright, Jessica. Give me a call back once you know. I’ll talk to you later, love you sis.” Amy said ending the call.

 

[-][+][-]

 

It was too early to call Scotty. I’d have to wait until around noon time. He’d be in the cafeteria around then.

“Are you looking forward to the weekend?” Mom asked me.

“Yeah, I think it’ll be good for me to just get away from everything.” I said with a smile.

“I think you’re right, baby. With everything that has happened, it will do you some good to find a place you can relax. Just make sure you have your cell phone with you and make sure you charge it up during the ride.” Mom said.

“I will Mom, but you have nothing to worry about. I’ll have Amy, Tara and Scotty with me there.” I said, relaxing.

“A mother always worries. You could be married and have a family of your own, and I will still worry about you. It’s all part of being a mother. It’s not something that you can just turn off. When you have a family of your own, it will be the same for you, honey.” Mom told me with a confident smile.

 

[-][+][-]

 

<

Chapter 4

 

I had no idea that Mom’s parents lived so far out of town, but after 45 minutes of driving we pulled into a town called Buckingham. It was a small town compared to where we lived and I wondered what it was like for Mom, growing up here. I was sure that there had to be things to do here, but nothing compared to living in a big city. Eventually, we came to a turn off.

Mom turned and followed a pretty battered road that was in need of a serious facelift. We continued driving for another 15 minutes before we came to a farm. There were lots of cows in a pasture, and further up you could see a few large barns that had a large fence around them. I could see some horses walking around, and I was enchanted. I had never seen horses up close.

“Quite the place, isn’t it, baby?” Mom said with a smile that said she was home.

“It’s pretty cool, though I think I would go crazy living out here.”

“I grew up here, Jessica. It’s really not that bad, there are lots of things you can do. Give it a chance, looks can be deceiving.”

Eventually we reached the main house. Mom parked her car and the two of us climbed out. I found myself looking around. I liked the calmness of the place. Unlike living in the city there wasn’t a lot of noise other than from the animals. I would imagine that a person could get used to that pretty fast.

As Mom and I approached the front door, we were met by an older version of Mom. It was easy to tell that they were mother and daughter.   She made her way outside, met us on the step and gave Janice a hug.

“My, it’s good to see you, honey.” She then turned to me. “And you must be my new granddaughter!” She surprised me with a hug. “I’m glad to finally get to meet you honey, Janice has been telling me all about you.” She said, taking my hand and leading me inside the house. As I looked down I could see her hand looked pretty deformed.

When she noticed me staring, she smiled. “I hurt it in a car accident, honey. I was lucky that was all that was damaged other then some cuts and bruises.”

“It looks painful,” I said as I lessened my grip on her hand.

“It can be, honey, but I’m used to it now.” She said

 

[-][+][-]

 

“Lets head into the kitchen and I’ll put some coffee on.” Grandma said. As we walked through the living room, I noticed in the corner there was a beautiful baby grand piano. Grandma saw me staring at it, “Do you play, Jessica?”

“Yes, do you mind if I...?” I asked

“Sure, go ahead.” Grandma said with a smile. I walked over to it. It was a real beauty. I took a seat and started playing a Miley Cyrus song called, “The Climb.” I was just playing the song when Mom asked, “Honey, do you know the words?”

I nodded, and started singing the lyrics to the song as I played.

As I played the song I thought about the journey that I’d taken to get to where I was at this moment and thought how poignant the words to this song were to my own life, and the struggles that I had gone through to get to where I am right now. It had truly been an uphill battle. I felt that it was worth it, but there had been so many obstacles along the way. As I sang the song I became lost in the music and relaxed for the first time since my father’s death.

When I finished, I could see that Grandma hadn’t expected to hear what she had just heard. I knew she was aware of what I had gone through, Mom had told both of her parents about me, and that I had lived most of my life as a boy.

“That was amazing, Jessica. You have such a beautiful voice and you play very well.” Grandma said with a smile.

“Thanks, Grandma. I have always loved playing and singing.”

“Well, you definitely have a gift for it.” Grandma said, as the three of us made our way into the kitchen.

After everyone was seated, Mom turned to Grandma.

“Where’s Dad hiding out?”

“Likely in the barn, one of the horses recently had a baby and the mother didn’t make it. It looks like the poor foal may not make it, either.” Grandma said frowning

“That’s a shame.” Mom said.

“We’ve been having a hard time getting her to eat anything and when we do it’s always a fight. It just doesn’t seem to like being held.” Grandma said, tiredly.

 

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After sitting for awhile in the kitchen, we decided to pay Granddad a visit. I was kind of nervous as we went inside the barn, but seeing all the horses up close was exciting. The horses seemed pretty friendly as they approached me from their stalls. There was the one big black one that came close enough that I was able to pat him. When he made a grunting noise, it kind of scared me and I took a step back, causing Mom and Grandma to laugh.

“Don’t worry, Jessica, he likes you.” Grandma said with a smile.

“What’s his name?” I asked.

“His name is Donald.” Grandma said

“That’s a funny name for a horse!” I said with a smile.

“He was named after my brother, who was also a horse’s arse.” Grandma said with a big smile.

Hearing Grandma say that caused Mom to giggle. I really don’t know him, but hearing those words come from her mouth made me giggle too.

After leaving Donald, we made our way to the back of the barn until I saw someone who I guessed was Grandpa. As we joined him he smiled.

“You must be Jessica. It’s nice to finally meet you. Janice has told us all about you, although I find it hard to believe that you were ever mistaken for a boy.

I smiled. “I was kind of a late bloomer, and I had a few extra parts that kind of made it hard for the doctors to tell without doing x-rays. But I always knew that I was a girl.” I said with a smile.

“Quite a pretty one at that.” Grandpa said, making me blush.

“How’s the baby doing?” Janice asked her father

“Not good. She has barely touched the bottle and what she has taking isn’t enough.” Grandpa said with a frown.

I walked over next to grandpa to get a better look at the horse she was adorable but also a little scared as she backed away, I got down on my knees and turn to grandpa,” does she have a name?”

“Not yet honey, do you have any ideas?” asked grandpa

I smiled, “How about Beauty?”

Grandpa smiled, “that’s a good name.”

“Hi Beauty I said with a smile.”

Come here, little one, it’s all right.” I said, softly. I held my hand out to the pretty little horse.

At first it just stared at me, and then cautiously began to move closer.

“That’s it, Beauty I’m not going to hurt you.” I said as it came close enough that I was able to touch it. “Hi sweetie” I said as it start rubbing its head against my hand.

After it started to relax around me, I slowly reached for the bottle. Once I had it in

My hand, I didn’t think she would take it from me but I figured it was worth a shot. When I tried at first the horse turned its head away, then I tried again and it still didn’t work.

Grandpa smiled, “It’s not just you honey, your grandma and I have both tried but she is as stubborn as a mule.”

“You got to eat beauty I said patting her, which she seem to enjoy as she bummed into me causing me to fall over.”

As I sat up she surprised me as she lay down next to me and placed he head down over my legs and just stayed there and let me pat her.

“It looks like Jessica has a way with animals.” Grandpa said

“Here Jessica” grandpa said handing me the bottle. “She might take the bottle now.” Grandpa said with a smile.

This time she took bottle as I held it.” There you go baby”, I said as I patted her across the neck with my other hand.

“Damn, look at that.” Grandpa said smiling

“I think Jessica has made a new friend grandma”, said smiling.

It was also at the moment I heard a clicking and turn and found mom was taking a few pictures of Beauty and me.

 

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After I finished feeding the colt, we all headed into the house. Grandma and Mom went into the kitchen to make lunch, leaving me alone with grandpa.

Grandpa looked over at me and smiled, “You’re not what I expected.” He said

“What did you expect?” I asked him

“When Janice first told us about you, she said that you were transgender, and to be honest we had no idea what that was until Janice explained it to us. When I look at you now, I see a beautiful young lady. I just can’t fathom how anyone could have mistaken you for a boy.”

“I never really was transgender, Grandpa. I was always a girl. It was just a medical condition that made it look like I was a boy. The parts inside were always female.”

I smiled and took a picture out of my purse and handed it to him. The picture was taken a year ago. At that point I was starting to develop as a girl and didn’t really know it at the time.   I kept the picture to show how I used to be, and when I was feeling down, I would take it out and be thankful that I didn’t have to pretend to be him anymore.

Grandpa looked at the old picture of me. “I see a girl that just hasn’t started to develop into a woman yet, but I have to say you look much better now then you did then.”

I smiled. “Thanks, I feel much better these days, at least as far as my appearance goes. It’s the other things in my life that I have a harder time with.” I said.

“What are the other things?”   Grandpa said, sounding interested.

“People, mostly. I grew up as a boy and most of my experience has been from that perspective. I always knew deep down that I was a girl, but I’ve never been allowed to explore that side of me, at least not until recently. My Dad tried to teach me what is expected to be a boy, and I couldn’t do that, but no one has really taught me what to expect as a girl. I feel like I’m dogpaddling upstream, doing my best to learn as I go.”

“Jessica, I understand what you are saying, and I wish that knew what to say to make things easier for you, but like yourself this is all new to me.”

“I’m an old man and I am sure there were people with issues like you around when I was your age but in my time things were different people were less tolerant and even though you really were a girl the whole time there still would have been people that treated you harshly. “

“The only advice I can give you Jessica, is to be yourself and stop beating yourself up. Everyone goes through a period in their life where they are trying to figure out who they really are. The big difference in your case is you’ve been brought up to go down one street, and now you have to carry that extra baggage as you get onto the street you were supposed to be on all along. Yeah, it’ll be a little harder for you to catch up, but you’ll figure it out. If people don’t like you, then that is their problem, not yours.”

I smiled, leaned over and gave Grandpa a hug.

“Thanks, I needed that.” I said wiping the tears from my eyes. “So much has happened lately, and I’ve been trying to hold everything together, but it’s hard.”

“The last couple of days couldn’t have been easy for you, Jessica, but you are still here and things will get better. If you need to talk, I am always here for you. You’re my granddaughter now and there will always be a place for you here.” Grandpa said as he hugged me and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

 

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After dinner, Mom and I had to get going. It was a long drive home, but Grandma and Grandpa gave me a hug and kiss before Mom and I left.   As we drove away I thought about what Grandpa said.

He was right, eventually I would figure things out. I had lived most of my life as a boy and I was now experiencing life from the other side of the fence.

  I was bound to make mistakes, but I would learn from them and become a stronger person because of it. The pain that I was experiencing would lessen with time. I would have to deal with it a day at a time.

 

 

To be continued in part 2