Leonora's Journal Volume Two

The Sequel to 'Ring of Stone' and 'Leonora's Journal Volume One' by Bronwen Welsh

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Chapter 12 A time of sorrow and joy

Friday 30th September.
This morning we left in our coach for Oxford. It will take four days until we arrive, and how I long for a more comfortable and speedy means of transport which might deliver us there in one day.

Monday 3rd October
Late this afternoon we arrived in Oxford. The household was expecting us and as usual, many of the staff were lined up on the steps to the front door – the women curtseying and the men bowing, their faces solemn. Mrs Danvers and Mr Anderson were stood at the top to greet us and escort us to our rooms. Marie and Anna followed, accompanied by young Elizabeth.

After we had settled in and changed into fresh garments, Mrs Danvers requested to see me.

“We were so sorry to hear of your loss ma’am. It has been decided that rather than all of the staff individually expressing their condolences, that Mr Anderson and I should represent the whole staff in expressing the sadness we all felt at the news.”

“That is very kind of you Mrs Danvers. I know that I am not the only woman to have lost a child, but it has been a dreadful experience and I know it will take some time for Mr d’Anglais and I to recover from it.”

Mrs Danvers hesitated for a moment and then said, “I hope I do not speak out of turn ma’am, but I too lost a child so I have some understanding of how you are feeling.”

This was the first time she had ever mentioned her own family and I had not thought it appropriate for me to pry. Now that she had done so I felt it appropriate to say: “Thank you for sharing that confidence with me Mrs Danvers – it is some consolation to know that there is someone else in the household who understands my feelings.”

Mrs Danvers gave me a faint smile, curtseyed, and left my dressing room. I decided that I should not share this confidence with anyone, not ever Richard.

Wednesday 5th October
Today I visited Mama, after sending her a note and receiving her assent. When I was shown into the drawing room, we hugged and tears were shed on both sides.

“I wish I had been present to comfort you in the intensity of your grief,” said Mama, and I assured her that it had been my insistence upon travelling to Grasmere which had very likely triggered the premature death of my son.

“It is something for which I can never forgive myself,” I said, but Mama was quick to reassure me saying that the travelling was unlikely to be the cause. She hesitated for a moment and then said, “Did you never wonder why there are so many years between your birth and that of Emma? There Is a reason for that – in the interim I lost two children – the first, a boy, was stillborn, and the second a girl lived but a few hours. You can imagine how bereft your Papa and I were, and I had taken great care of myself while I awaited their birth, but to no avail since we still lost them. Indeed we had made up our minds not to seek another child, but as you see, we were rewarded with Emma and I never stop thanking our Saviour for the gift of her.”

“Thank you so much for sharing that confidence with me, Mama. Forgive me asking, but I would like to seek your advice on what is an appropriate length of time to be in mourning.”

“It is largely a matter of your own decision, my darling. I was advised that full mourning for three months and half mourning for three months is suitable for an infant.”

“Then I shall adopt your suggestion, Mama,” I said. It's strange how she and Mrs Danvers might never have shared their losses with me if I had not lost Baby Richard. I'm sure that like me, they will never forget their lost children.

Mention of Emma made me realise that I could hear the sound of the pianoforte in the music room, I suspected a Beethoven sonata was being played beautifully.
“Is that Emma’s music teacher playing?” I asked Mama. She smiled proudly and said, ‘No, that is Emma herself; she has proved to have a great talent for music. Besides playing so well, she has even composed a few short pieces, which appeal greatly to me and her Papa, but then perhaps we are biased,” she said with a smile.
I was suitably impressed. “She far exceeds me; thank goodness she does not play the harp as well or I would feel permanently in her shadow,” I said with a smile, perhaps the first I had expressed in a month.

Just then, the music stopped, and a few minutes later Emma appeared in the room. She stopped short at the sight of me in my black mourning dress, but then recovered herself and ran to me and we hugged each other.

“Dear, dear Leonora, I was so sorry to hear of your sad loss,” she said, tears running down her cheeks, and then she blushed deeply.

“That is very kind of you Emma, “ I said. “My baby Richard is now in Heaven, so we must try not to be too sad even though I wish he was still here on earth with me.” Then changing the subject, I said “I heard you playing the pianoforte and I must say that you greatly exceed my talents.” If anything Emma’s blush increased. “Mamma tells me that you have composed a few works yourself. When it is convenient, I would dearly love to hear them.” By now, her blushes would have lit the room if it had been evening.

Emma showed signs of her growing maturity when she enquired about baby Elizabeth.

I confess I gasped “Goodness me, it has slipped my mind that she is waiting in the coach with Anna the nursery maid. She hates to see her Mama cry and I feared that there would be tears when I first arrived. Dear Emma, please ask for her to be sent here.”

A few minutes later, Anne entered the room, carrying Elizabeth. Upon setting her down, she ran to Emma with whom she has a special affinity, and Emma stooped down and hugged her, and then led her to her grandmother, who greeted her kindly. I must never forget that I am blessed to have one living child, and such a sweet one.

Mama rang the bell for tea to be served. I must confess that it was somewhat difficult to make small talk, but Mama is very experienced, and she asked me about Sir John, Lady Elizabeth and Lady Ellen, and I managed to keep the conversation going. I did not mention Lady Ellen’s confidence to me of course, and merely said that she was in better health than we anticipated when we travelled there, which was perfectly true.

Friday 7th October
Today I visited Studleigh Park and saw Lucy and Sarah. In many ways it mimicked my visit to Mama. Tears were shed again and sincere condolences given. It was something that had to be done but now it is over, and I pray to God that it is never repeated. Baby Freddie grows apace and I know he will be a fine young man in due course.

Sunday 9th October
We attended church this morning – really the only social event which it is appropriate for me to attend while I am in full mourning. Rev’d Irvine included a prayer for the recently departed but was kind enough not to mention my loss by name. Dressed as I was in full mourning, it was obvious what had happened, and it was necessary for me to endure the kind thoughts and condolences of the congregation members, but now it is done and need not be repeated.

Friday 25th November
A month before we celebrate Christmas. On the 7th of December, I will change to ‘half-mourning. I do not regret the three months of full mourning – how could I ? but for a mother it can be a dreary time of great solitude as it is not seemly for me to pay social visits. For a man it is not so restricted. Richard wears a black tie and had to endure the kind expressions of condolence as I have, but he is still able to attend his office and conduct some cases. I can now start to resume social activities and also wear gowns of a sombre hue such as violet, mauve, or lavender.

Friday 2nd December
A letter arrived today, addressed to Richard and in his mother’s hand. She is a fairly frequent correspondent. I did wonder at its contents but nevertheless had to wait until he came home when he read the contents to me. It seems that they believe Lady Ellen to be fading and that this coming Yuletide will likely be her last, so Sir John especially wishes to spend the Festive Season with her. I can quite understand that especially in light of what Lady Ellen told me. I long for the day when a better form of transport can reduce the time of travel between Oxford and Grasmere to less than four days. I’m sure it will happen.

Tuesday 20th December
As we did last year, we again entertained the children of the staff to an afternoon of dancing, singing and an excellent afternoon tea by Mrs Walker, especially designed to appeal to young palates, with many jellies, cakes and sweetmeats of every variety. Emma again played the pianoforte beautifully for us to enjoy the dancing and singing of carols.

There was a dramatic incident which thankfully was resolved without any great distress. The Christmas tree has a number of candle which can be lighted as the afternoon starts to draw in, carefully installed too high for children to reach, but while the children were gadding about, one of the taller boys slipped, and putting out his hand to steady himself he took hold of the tree trunk and shook it, so that one of the candles tipped over and in seconds a branch of the tree was alight. As so often happens in those circumstances, there was total silence for a moment as everybody present absorbed what was happening and froze. I claim no congratulations, but I was the first to move. There was a large jug of sweetened water on the table next to me, so rising I took hold of it and approaching the tree, threw the contents over the burning branch, fortunately extinguishing the flames. With the danger over, everyone starting talking at once and there were gasps and cheers and I was complimented on my quick thinking. I am of the opinion it was self-preservation, since if the flames had spread we could have rapidly seen a dangerous conflagration spread throughout the room, putting both adults and children in their fragile finery in great danger, so ‘All’s well that ends well’ as Mr Shakespeare puts it
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Friday 23rd December
The Michaelmas legal term finished two days ago, and my brother John has returned to Oxford. He called in briefly to see me before travelling on to Studleigh Park to see Sarah and the rest of the family. I’m sure they will be very happy to see him.. We had some tea and a short conversation. It seems he has had a very successful year with a number of lucrative cases in the Royal Courts of Justice and is well on his way to making his fortune. He had promised Sarah that he would return to Oxford where he intends to set up a practice so that he would be nearer to her, and there is no doubt that they are anxious to marry. John’s main concern is that Sir John and Lady Elizabeth may think that his fortune is not yet great enough to keep Sarah in the style of which they would approve.

On that I could not help him. However, Papa has an offer which I think he should accept for the time being. Before Papa inherited Northbridge House, we lived in a large house which is part of a terrace close to the university, and also Studleigh Park. It had been rented out for some years but the family who rented it had indicated their intention to leave in three months, and Papa offered it to John, at least until he could afford a mansion of his own. I should mention that Papa refused to accept any rent for the property and also he has informed John that he will not accept a return of the money he gave him to assist him while he was studying in London. I never met a more generous man than my Papa.

Sarah tells me in confidence that she has written to her mama begging her support in obtaining her Papa’s permission to marry John, saying that she would marry no other man due to their mutual affection and regard for each other. Lady Elizabeth has written back suggesting that John travel to Grasmere to speak to Sir John in person to state his case for permission to marry Sarah. As he is an accomplished orator, I have every hope that he will obtain that permission.

A few weeks ago, Richard had told me that the lawyer who usually worked with Richard and the other partners, was getting quite elderly and wanted to retire. I said nothing at the time although I immediately thought that this might be an ideal position for John, at least as an initial position. I felt that as a wife, it was important that Richard should think that the idea was his, so I waited a couple of days and then casually mentioned about John’s intention to return to Oxford to set up a practice. To my surprise (!) Richard commented that he wondered if John might be interested in working with him and his partners, I of course praised his wonderful idea, and he straight away wrote to John in London, asking if he would like to discuss the proposition. He soon received a reply saying that John wouldd be most happy to discuss the possible position with them when he returned to Oxford at the end of the Michaelmas term. I do hope that their discussions are fruitful.

Sunday 25th December Christmas Day
Today was a cold clear day, and as is our wont, after an exchange of gifts, we attended the morning service at St Nicholas’ church. Rev Irvine gave his usual brief but appropriate sermon. Elizabeth accompanied us today, but her very presence could not but help make me think of the son who should have been here but isn’t. I said a silent prayer to him in Heaven to look down upon us and beg the Lord to bless us.

We enjoyed a traditional Christmas luncheon with our relatives at Studleigh Park, thus allowing the majority of the staff at Marston House to have the day off. Having baby Elizabeth and young Freddie with us made for a very enjoyable day. I am convinced that the presence of children really makes for an enjoyable Christmas. How I wish that her baby brother was present. The two children have now reached that stage of maturity where they can move around with uncertain steps and accept presents, even if they do not actually know what they are for. We returned home in the late afternoon. Mrs Walker had left us a cold collation for an evening meal at my suggestion.

Monday 26th December, Boxing Day
As is traditional, most of the staff had another day off and received the traditional gift. Today we travelld to my parents’ home at Northbridge House for luncheon and exchange of gifts. I managed to secure a few private minutes with my brother John. He intends to meet with Richard and his partners tomorrow, and then travel onto Grasmere to speak to Sir John face to face and request his permission to make an offer of matrimony to Sarah. I know that she intends to write another letter for John to give to her mother, begging for her support in achieving a satisfactory outcome for their request. I believe that John making the trip to Grasmere will convince Sir John of his seriousness. I do hope that he returns with good news – I know that Sarah is counting on it.

Monday 1st January 1815 New Year’s Day
Last evening, we attended a New Year’s Ball at Studleigh Park, the first big social event I have attended in the last four months, and while my gown was of a sombre lavender hue and I did not dance, nonetheless it was very pleasant to meet some of my acquaintances again and wish them a Happy New Year, something I sincerely wish for myself and Richard. John was present and danced his two sets with Sarah. I can see the glow on her face while she is with him – they are so much in love. I will pray that John returns from Grasmere with good news.

Thursday 12th January
John returned from Grasmere today, and called in on me, Richard being at work.. He arrived at Grasmere last Friday, stayed for the weekend and left to return home on Monday. I was all agog to hear his news and he was anxious to confide in me. The news was probably not all that he and Sarah wanted, but was generally positive. His interview with Sir John had progressed well. He had been able to inform Sir John that he had agreed to a position with Richard’s law firm and also set up a home for Sarah and himself in Papa’s terrace house, which is quite spacious, until such time that he can afford to purchase something bigger.

Sir John was a little concerned that John’s fortune while steadily growing was not yet great, so his compromise was that while he appreciated that John and Sarah were promised to each other, if in six months he deemed John’s fortune to be sufficient, (and they had agreed upon a sum), then John could make his offer to Sarah and a wedding could be arranged. I do hope that Sarah is not disappointed with this arrangement. I suggested that John emphasise the positive aspects of the arrangement and mention that Sir John was only concerned for Sarah’s welfare.

“Be prepared for some tears, but they will pass, and six months is not too long.” I said. John smiled and agreed with me. “It is up to me to generate as much income as possible in that time,” he said. I asked him to call back on his way to Northbridge House and tell me what happened.

I’m pleased to say that Sarah took the news very well. She feels sure that John will enlarge his fortune sufficiently for their wedding to take place later in the year, and indeed she will look forward to making tentative arrangements in private on how it can all be arranged.

To be continued