Lovey Dovey Assassins

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I duck behind a crate as bullets are fired at me.

“Dammit! Intel, you told me that the back entrance was supposed to be clear!”

“We do our best, Eagle. Our enemies were one step ahead of us this time.”

“You could get me killed!” I hiss.

“It’s your duty to prevent that from happening, and eliminating the target without causing a scene.”

“Should I pull out?”

“Negative. Target is on the move.”

“Should I follow?”

“Do NOT!”

“I’m pinned down here, dammit! What do you want me to do?”

“Draw their fire for five more minutes. Magnolia has this covered.”

I take a deep breath and steady myself. If Magnolia is on this, then our target is as good as dead. And then when we’re done here, maybe I can take a nice, long vacation with my wife. I’ve been promising myself for my New Year’s resolution that I would spend more time with her.

As requested, I draw fire from the enemies, moving from cover to cover, and shooting back on occasion. I might be able to win this firefight alone, but it would be a hell of an ask. Magnolia had better act soon.

I hear some tires squealing. I can’t see anything from my location, but Intel fills me in.

“Target is on the move.”

A silenced gun fires.

“Target is eliminated. Good work. Move out.”

Magnolia is good. Superhumanly good. I swear I don’t even see or hear her half the time, I’m just informed that the target was eliminated while I was busy gathering bullet wounds. Intel says I’m just good at causing a scene, which of course isn’t ideal for an assassin. Personally, I like to say that I’m just playing to my strengths and giving Magnolia the shots she needs. You’re welcome, Magnolia. We make a great team.

Escaping the murder scene is easier said than done when there are a dozen or more assassins on my tail. I climb up onto the roof of the building, one fluid movement that barely even gives them a moment to shoot at me. I take cover behind a large air duct, and, as the first assassin pops his head up, I shoot him dead, then move while the others panic.

With some cover fire from Magnolia, who I now see on a nearby roof, I manage to escape from the pursuers. I practically throw myself down the fire escape, then into the alley down below, and into the escape vehicle. The getaway driver glares at me in the rearview mirror.

“They’re not on our tail. Relax.”

“They better not be. We can’t afford to blow out a tire.”

“Magnolia is covering us.”

“I suddenly feel much safer.”

“Stuff it.”

It’s true, though. With Magnolia covering us, we know that we don’t have to worry about anything. We’re half a city away and in a different vehicle by the time the sirens start going off. I worry for a second about Magnolia, and if she was able to escape safely, but I know her well enough that the thought quickly dissipates. Though, really, just what do I know about Magnolia? She’s always wearing the same uniform as I do, black from head to toe, not an inch of skin showing. And our helmet blocks our hair and eyes, not only protecting our identities, but also protecting us from bullets.

No matter. She’s a trustworthy partner.

I take a quick stop at HQ to change, then return home to prepare dinner for my wife. She works long hours as a nurse, so I’m sure to give her a nice, warm, hearty meal for when she returns from a long day at the hospital.

As I’m finishing up the night’s meal – buttered chicken pasta – the door opens, and my beautiful wife walks in. She seems exhausted, but as soon as she gets a whiff of my cooking, her face brightens, filling the room with light.

“Welcome home, Layla!” I tell her, giving her a quick kiss. “Dinner is just about ready, but if you’re not particularly hungry, you can take a bath first. Or, maybe, if you’re in the mood, you and I could…”

“Brandon, I’m starving!” she says, lightly pushing me out of the way so that she can throw down her coat. “I don’t know what you’re cooking, but judging by the smell, you might need to make a second helping!”

“For my loving wife, I’ve already made sure to prepare an extra large serving. The recipe I found online says it should serve 10.”

“Then I hope you doubled it.”

“We can order takeout if we need to.”

One might assume that we’re joking, but my wife has a large appetite. She’s a very tall woman with large muscles, and nearly ate us out of house and home back when we first got together. I’m a fair bit more petite at only 6’ tall and around 175 pounds. Of muscle, mind you.

We eat our dinner, and then discuss our plans involving vacation. I told her about my intent to spend more time with her, and we’ve both been begging our jobs for some time off to spend together. The results have come in: we have exactly one weekend to spend together. Three days; Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

With that little time, we can’t exactly go on a grand adventure. We can’t go on a cruise, or a long distance vacation. We’ve got to find somewhere nearby to vacation. And, good news, I’ve got just the place!

There’s a brand new hot spring that just opened up a few towns away. It’s made specifically for couples, and only accommodates a single couple at a time. There’s a small house to stay in overnight, the noted hot spring, and lots of privacy. It seems really nice! And it’s so new that there aren’t even any reviews for it yet!

We’ve both been needing a vacation for quite some time, so we hurry up and pack our suitcases and leave early in the morning. We arrive just before noon, and check into the house.

“Not much of a house, really,” Layla says.

“No, but the point is the hot spring and the privacy. We could scream as loud as we want and nobody would hear us.”

“That is pretty nice.”

“Right? And what a beautiful locale! Nature for miles!

“Do we want to head right on in? I’m tired from the driving. Really, where did you ever learn how to drive?”

“My driving was fine! Any other man would have taken an extra two hours to get here!”

“Brandon, I love you dearly, but I could have waited those extra two hours.”

“You can drive us back home, then.”

With that slight argument out of the way, we change into our robes, then head down to the hot spring. It’s just a short walk from the guest house, and there’s plenty of wonderful nature to see on our walk there.

When we arrive at the hot spring, we strip out of the robes, and step into the nice, hot water. I sit down, lean back, and close my eyes. I can feel the tension melt from my shoulders. Layla does the same, sitting right beside me, her left hand in my right.

The hot, relaxing water really numbs my mind as I relax. I squeeze my left hand, feeling Layla’s smaller hand in mine.

Wait? My left hand? Didn’t I take her hand with my right hand? And aren’t her hands larger than mine?

I open my eyes, and look over to my left. Layla had sat down to my right. Layla opens her eyes, and looks over to her right.

What I see before me is my own body. And what Layla sees before her is her own body. For a solid minute, all we do is stare at one another, wordlessly.

“Is this a dream?” I ask.

“They say to pinch yourself if you’re dreaming,” Layla says, “but I’m not sure if I should pinch my body or yours.”

“Yours, obviously.”

Layla reaches over and pinches me with all of her strength.

“Ow! I said your body! Ah, right.”

She pinches herself, my body, just to be certain. She winces in pain.

“So this is real,” I mutter.

“What the heck is this?”

“Should we try closing our eyes and leaning back again?”

“We might as well…”

We try leaning back and closing our eyes. Nothing. Then we try swapping positions, and leaning back and closing our eyes in various different orders and positions. Nothing we do works to swap us back.

“I’m definitely leaving a one-star review,” I tell her.

“People will just think we’re crazy! People don’t just swap bodies!”

“Clearly they do. Do you think they’ll at least give us a refund?”

“It would be hard to argue for one.”

“For now, let’s just get the heck out of this hot spring and back to the room. This heat is starting to get to me.”

“And this body swapping thing is starting to get to ME. I think I’m getting a migraine.”

“Oh, yeah, I get those all the time. Sorry, I guess.”

We take the path down to the guest house that we’re staying at, and find an old, dilapidated house. It looks as if it hasn’t been taken care of in ages.

“What the hell is this?” I ask.

“Are our clothes in there at least?”

“I hope so. Last thing I want is to drive back home naked in your body.”

We check the house, and find our clothes where we left them. They seem to be untouched. The suitcases and belongings seem to be in fine condition, as is our car outside, so it isn’t like time passed by to cause the house to become like this.

We return home, and spend what was supposed to be our vacation trying to research stuff regarding this. We find no trace of the hot spring online, nor any reliable information regarding magically changing bodies with someone. I search around the area of the hot spring, and we try going into it again at the same time in the same position, but we can’t manage to return to how we were.

Now, it’s time to return to work. That would be awkward even with a normal job, but Layla doesn’t know that I work as an assassin. And I can’t exactly call in sick to work for body swapping.

“Can I?”

“I don’t think that’s a valid excuse. But we can try just calling in sick.”

Unfortunately, Intel informs me, “No way! I don’t care if your brains are spilling out right now, we’ve got a serious backup from your vacation days! We have a critical target to hit, and if you can’t do it, then the whole country will face the consequences!”

I look at my wife, and shake my head. “Boss says no. I gotta go in.”

“But how are you supposed to go into work looking like me?”

“No worries! I’ll just mask up! I told them that I’m sick, anyhow!”

“And how do you explain the extra foot of height?”

“Platform boots?”

“And the boobs?”

“Let’s be real, honey, there’s not much – hey! Put the shoe down, I’m sorry!”

She throws the shoe down, then throws her arms into the air, exasperated.

“Alright, fine! We’ll just have to deal with this for today!”

“Did you get a day’s rest from your job?” I ask.

“It’s a heated discussion. You go on to work, I’ll deal with it.”

“Alright.”

I don’t meet up with a getaway driver or Intel today, instead heading straight to HQ and swapping cars, then driving to the target’s location.

“Did you fucking grow?” Intel asks.

“Hot springs will do that to you. You should see down below.”

“Ah, this is part of a disguise, right? Pretty smart. Target is located on the fifth floor of this apartment. Guards are posted all around the building; roof, fire escape, every door, every window and several within the room.”

“Oh, you gave me an easy job for my first day back from vacation, huh?”

“I have faith in you, Eagle. Wait, is your voice deeper, too?”

“All part of the disguise.”

“That’s… Okay. Whatever. I won’t question your decisions.”

The building seems extremely secure. There’s no way a normal person could get in and out without being seen, especially not if they’re planning to do an assassination inside of the building. I could take out a fair few of the guards, but there’s no way I’ll win in a straight up fire fight. I need a plan.

Sadly, my requests for RPGs or bombs were denied. We can’t make that much of a scene, nor cause that much structural damage to the building and those around it. Shame. Guess I’ll have to try sneaking, at least at first. Easier said than done.

Well, here goes nothing. Silently, I creep up to a back door on the ground floor. The pair of guards are keeping a watchful eye, but unfortunately for them, I know where they are, and they don’t know that I’m here. I shoot off two blind shots from around the corner with my silenced pistol. There’s the unmistakable thud of two bodies hitting the ground. I round the corner, and quietly open the back door, sneaking into the building.

Unfortunately, I’m not quite used to sneaking in this body, and distribute my weight wrong, leading to floorboards creaking just as soon as I enter the building. I freeze, praying that they don’t take notice. Unfortunately for me, a moment later, a guard comes running around the corner. I heard his footsteps, and was ready with a bullet straight to the brain, but as his body hits the floor, two more guards come around the corner, guns blazing.

I use the door as cover, and shoot guards as they arrive. But it’s like a never ending stream, and not only do I have to worry about them from within the building, but some are coming from the outside around back to flank me. I use the body of one of the dead guards as a meat shield, but it’s a highly awkward shield.

“Target is down,” Intel informs me. “Odd. I thought that Magnolia called in sick.”

“Is she here? Great! Get her to give me a hand, then!”

“Negative. She’s already on her way out – oh. That’s not good.”

“What’s going on?”

“Magnolia was hit.”

“What?”

“Highly unusual. Her cold must be dulling her senses. Can you press in and give her a hand?”

“Uh. I don’t know about that. There’s a lot of enemies here.”

“Sorry that I made it sound like you had a choice. Save Magnolia, even if it costs you your life.”

I don’t want to die in my wife’s body for several reasons. Hell, I don’t want to die at all. But in this line of work, I don’t really get a choice most of the time, so I press forward. Better than getting flanked on all sides, I guess.

I throw a smoke bomb into the room in front of me. The guards duck for cover, and I rush in. The enemies may be invisible in the smoke, but my senses aren’t dulled even in this body. I hear their footsteps, their breathing, their heartbeats.

Bam, bam, bam. And down they go. I continue forwards.

Up ahead, gunshots. I run as fast as my legs will carry me, which in this body, is faster than normal. I round the corner, and find Magnolia pinned with enemies all around her.

The enemies didn’t expect me. Their gunshots helped me conceal my footsteps, and it’s as if I appear out of nowhere. With my sudden appearance, Magnolia and I get the chance to shoot them down with ease.

Now that I have a moment, I look over at Magnolia. The gunshot wound doesn’t seem serious, but more importantly, something seems off. She seems much smaller than usual. I notice that she’s wearing very tall platform boots to seem larger, and is wearing extra layers under her shirt.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

Magnolia recoils in surprise.

“Is it my voice?” I ask her. “Yeah, uh. Part of my disguise.”

“Brandon?” Magnolia asks in my voice.

“What? Layla?”

We stare at one another for a moment, but the sound of footsteps running towards us snaps us out of our trance. I give Magnolia a hand up, and together, we take down the group running towards us, and escape from the building. Once we’re in the getaway car, we remove our masks, and look at one another, confirming that we are, in fact, Brandon and Layla. Husband and wife. In one another’s bodies.

“I never would have imagined that you were an assassin, too, much less the famed Eagle,” she shakes her head.

“Yeah, well, I never could have imagined that you were the one who saved my ass all those times. I knew you were impressive, but this is just a whole different level.”

As we flee from the crime scene, Layla asks, “So, now what?”

“Well,” I say, “I’ve always wanted to be taller, so maybe this can work out.”

She laughs at that. “Now that I know we’re both assassins, I’m not as worried as I was before. I didn’t want to hurt your body, you know.”

“Of course, I had the same worries.”

“I want to get back to normal eventually, but for now, I think we can focus on our work while trying to deal with this on the side. What do you say, partner? Ready to continue raising hell together?” She holds out her fist for a fist bump.

“Let’s do it!” I say, bumping her fist. Behind us, the sirens begin.

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Comments

Live and Let Die

Dee Sylvan's picture

James and Jinx? Or is it Octopussy? Fun story, thanks for posting. :DD TAF

DeeDee

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

joannebarbarella's picture

Fun story. The sexual connections could be fun too!

It looks like they are stuck.

Now to adjust to their new reality. One has to wonder if it will be good for them.

Now I wonder who gave them

Now I wonder who gave them the information about the hot springs, was it an enemy agent trying to eliminate the two of them thinking they wouldn't be as effective in each others bodies, it could be a spy in the organization seeing as how neither of them knew the other was an agent.

Bold Body Swap Story

terrynaut's picture

I like body swap stories, and I especially like this one. I like that the woman was bigger and stronger than the man, and even though I saw it coming, I love how they finally found out about their shared secret.

Thanks for the story.

- Terry

this was a lot of fun

you should do more with these two, I'd love to see further adventures!

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