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Well, I've managed to screw my life up for the last time. I was driving home from work today and hit another car, doing serious damage to both vehicles. To make matters worse, I've been having troubles with payments on my car insurance, so I'm not sure I'm covered at the moment.
This just goes to show that it makes no difference if I'm Todd or Dorothy, I'm still a fuck up, and nothing will ever change that. So I'm going to throw everything away associated with Dorothy, and quit living in fantasy land.
Byes.
Comments
Whoa----
Please sweet Dorothy do not make such a rash move. You are NOT a fuck-up! Life happens -- plain and simple. The best advise I can give you is to hold onto the one thing in your life that is of this world, and that is YOU! And YOU are Dorothy! Hang on for dear life. Lift up your sorrows to God, and He will hear them, for it is in sadness that He truly is there and listening.
If you don't mind Catholic prayers, I'll cue up a Rosary for you. I may be a wild and crazy tomboy lesbian, but I am His child and turn to Him and worship Him!
Trap
I wish I could find the words
But that just sounds like the wrong decision to me.
Your gender identity ...
Your gender identity and life style choices do not determine your luck. How can your gender have anything to do with having an accident. Your stress levels, physical health, and all the factors determining your concentration levels are the issues that have anything to do with your having an accident.
Act logically and think logically. Me-thinks you're going through one of those panic ephisodes as life seems to be tumbling in on you. I will not tell you to try staying as Dorothy but I wouldn't mind betting that if you do decide to'cast out' all things Dorothy. It's a pound to a penny says she'll be back and soon.
Is it a 'passsing as a woman' issue that's getting you down?
XZXX
Bev.
I'm usually hesitant to give advice
I mean where does a fuckup like me get off giving other people the benefit of my (HA!) wisdom, but you might want to hold off on the throwing stuff out for a few days. If you look back over your blogs you'll see wonderful highs---days of hope and grace and beauty and joy---and deepdown valleys of despair. And I'm willing to bet that your future will not be defined for all time by this one event, however disasterous it might be. It's natural to lose faith at times and (for some of us) to want to punish yourself (and I can't think of a worse punishment than denying your essential identity), but if you have any faith in the smarts and souls of friends like Drea (who im sure will say something brilliant and wise below) listen to them, accept their viewpoint on tenative faith even though it might all look like crap + hopelessness right now. A lot of times our emotions aren't the best counsel for what to do in a jam. At least Ive found this to be true for me.
Hugs, love you, Veronica
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
Didn't the Firesign Sisters say...
I think we're all fuck-ups on this bus? It says somewhere that all of us fall short...every one of us.
Veronica nailed it; the need to purge comes from a belief that somehow you don't deserve or merit even being yourself. Our emotions can often be the worst counsel, and at times when you feel down on yourself there arises a need to get rid of anything remotely associated with who you actually are. Take a breath. The worst that could happen didn't. Dorothy, dear, you're still alive. You're the same woman whose daughter affirmed you just days ago. You're the same woman whose mother continues to grow into her acceptance of her daughter. Hold onto what you already know to be true. That nothing can separate any of us from the love of god.
Love, Andrea Lena
Dorothy
Yes, you are Dorothy not Todd. Yes, you are having set-backs but as long as you stick to who you are, you will win in the end. You are strong because you let the world know who you REALLY are. I actually admire you for the courage to show your true self. Maybe someday this 51 year old failure will get the courage that you have shown so far.
Blunt
I am not going to say anything more than apples and oranges. They can't be compared. What the futz has your driving got to do with your identity?
You are in shock. Leave any action till you have a chance to wake up again.
Dottie? Please Relax...
Do you know how to meditate? I've heard that some monks learned and many do Christian meditation. Can you pray and keep saying the same thing over and over and get yourself into another, calmer mental state?
The others here have said good things to you, better than I could have. Slow way down, breath slowly, try to slow your heart rate, then read all those good comments again.
I always thought purging was such a shameful, wasteful thing to do. My ex demanded that I do it twice, 6 or 7 years apart, and I still miss the stuff I had to throw away; not that I would wear it now. I managed to not ever cause it myself. It's just that before |being brave enough to/being able to| pass in public, it took lots of effort and emotion (bravery?) to buy fem things. The clothing, etc. allowed me to see my real self, to be sure I was still around, if you know what I mean. That meant so much to me; I had much of myself invested in each piece!
I really don't know if you or others feel that way, that things that let you and others see your true self/gender have a lot of value. I'm probably thinking in a deficient manner, focusing on material things. I've just had that attitude for decades.
You are more important! I was just trying to spare you grief you might have in the future because of purging, not that I know that your mind works that way.
Obviously, you are who you are! Having trouble or being frustrated is not going to change that. I suspect that, deep in your heart, you know you can't be Todd. Bad things happening in your external life might briefly move your focus away from Gender Dysphoria, but you know there is only one way to relieve that feeling. Transition as far as you can or as far as you feel comfortable and live and have everyone else recognize you as Dorothy, a womyn!
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Sending calm thoughts
I would only offer my prayer and support to you, but I agree with several others that there is no reason to throw everything out. We're all screwups...that's what makes us human honestly. You can get through it though, you have a lot of support here. So my advice is to take a few deep breaths, cry some tears if you need to (preferably knowing that you're getting a hug in spirit from your friends here) and then calmly decide what to do.
Don't give into despair. Let others help you. <3
Samirah M. Johnstone
Extremes
Even if you want to try living as Todd again, it might be a better idea to put Dorothy's things away instead of throwing them out. Purging can be expensive if you realize that you didn't want to press the metaphoric Stop button after all but only Pause. If you think you'd feel safer keeping Dorothy on the inside for now, do so. But the aspects of yourself that you label "Dorothy" aren't going to go away forever. You may find some other healthy way to express your femininity, or you may choose to just repress it for a while until the need to reassert yourself as a woman becomes too strong.
But you also need to appreciate that everybody lives in that same "fantasy land" of yours. No one gets everything right all the time, and everyone uses a persona in public that isn't the same as the self they are in private. You really weren't pretending much more than the average person, so don't beat yourself up about it.
Please still be here
This seems like a very abrubt descision to make, so of course it isn't and is going to have been something that was eating at you for a while.
Life is life, no matter how we present ourselves. This is something you are just beginning to understand, it seems, but it doesn't mean that throwing everything out is the best option for you.
Think on it for a while. Which life are you more satisfied with? Which life is it that you find makes you want to get up in the morning? If the answer is that they are both the same, meaning you as Todd or you as Dorothy, then maybe it is the life that needs to change, not Dorothy or Todd.
Look at yourself objectively. Only you can truly answer who you really are. Only you, and I'm not talking about "Life sucks so I suck," you. I'm talking about the little girl, or little boy, inside you that still looks out at a sunset and sees the wonder of the world, or is still filled with awe at the potential of each new day when the sun rises over the horizon and paints the world with light.
Each of us has a responsibility to glory in that light. Life is meant to be lived, and not endured. If you are just enduring, then there is something wrong with your life and you need to make a change.
And no one, I mean NO ONE is ever a fuck up. Ever. We all make mistakes, and we need to live with the consequences of those mistakes. Often with get the opportunity to live with the consequences of the mistakes of others, but we are not our mistakes.
We are not our mistakes.
Declaring yourself to be a fuck up is to say you are the mistakes you make. This is not a case of denying that you are responsible. It is the difference between saying you are red hair and that you have red hair. We make mistakes. We deal with them and move on.
Recently, I was under the very real threat of going to jail for six months. It had to do with the fact that I had not paid my car insurance for so long that they revoked my registration. I got pulled over for a revoked registration and no insurance.
Cops have computers that tell them these things.
I got slapped with a $350 fine I could not pay, as I was out of work.
If I hadn't gotten the job I currently have, I would now be in Jail. And it would all be my fault.
Judges don't take kindly to you not paying fines when they tell you to pay a fine.
I know that this was my fault. It's not the cop's fault, or the judge's that I was driving on a revoked registration. It is mine.
Does this make me a fuck up? No. I makes me fucking human.
So, as I stated at the beginning, I really hope you are still here, Dorothy, or Todd should you prefer, as I don't think anyone should be left alone in a fragile position, and more than that, I know you're not a fuck up. I've read your stories after all, and I feel that even more than our Eyes, our Fiction is the windows into our souls, and your soul is beautiful.
He entered the hall to get warm. She left it two hundred years later.
Faeriemage
Life is like a rollercoaster...
...There are ups (previous blogs seem to indicate you've had several up to now) and there are downs (such as your car accident and financial situation).
Did releasing the Dorothy side of you have anything to do with your financial situation? I very much doubt it.
Did it have anything to do with your accident? Even more unlikely.
You are you. Regardless of how you present yourself to the world, you're the same person inside - you'd have encountered the same problems regardless of whether the Dorothy side of you had ever poked her head above the parapet.
If you decide showing Dorothy is too risky at this particular moment in time, pack her clothes into a suitcase / in a bottom drawer / in the attic. Don't purge. Besides which, when your life picks up again (a decent sized portion of the planet's having financial troubles at the moment, so don't count yourself as an oddity in that regard - and plenty of people have car accidents) as I'm sure it will - eventually - you can bring her out again.
On the specific aspect of your insurance, look over your bank statements and any evidence you've got of what you have paid as a first step - it's probably simpler to start finding out the situation from your end before you ask the insurers whether your payments were up to date. If you are behind (hopefully not by too much!), see if you can scrape together enough money to pay the outstanding balance, if there's any chance it will make it more likely your insurers will pay out. Do a few 'net searches to see if you can find what other people have done in similar financial circumstances - you may even be able to find out how lenient your particular insurer tends to be. Grab the details of any local consumer advocacy groups - if your insurers start being difficult, they'll probably be able to advise you on the best course of action.
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
You are NOT a fuck up.
Wait a minute here. A car accident does not a fuck up make. It's just a part of life.
Now, as to detransitioning, I support you either way. I do say that being MtF is about the most self destructive thing a person could do, but I did it, so what do I really have to say?
I will say that if my fuckin family offered any support and love at all, I would try to detransition for them. I've offered to do that twice but they are silent. So, why would I allow nasty, vindictive, unforgiving people to influence my life?
I know this whole thing is a bitch. Just don't let yourself get too emotional to make a good decision.
Hugs
Gwendolyn