A friend of mine said to me that she'd love to see my Fifi stories as an actual TV show, and I countered that I'd at least be curious to be a fly on the wall during the pitch meeting. So since both she and I are huge fans of Ryan George's terrific Pitch Meeting videos on YouTube (which you should absolutely go check out because they're really funny), I figured I'd write something up in that same style, where a writer hilariously pitches an idea for a show to a Hollywood producer.

By the way, I love writing the Fifi stories, but since the gag relies on a good-natured roast, I did have to pretty much skewer my own writing. Anything for a joke!

My Uncle Fifi Pitch Meeting

Story by Jenny North
Artwork by Fraylim

Producer Guy: So, you have a transgender comedy series for me?

Writer Guy: Yes, sir, I do! It's called "My Uncle Fifi."

PG: Well, that doesn't make any sense at all! Fifi is a girl's name. Or the name you'd give a poodle. But it would have to be a female poodle. And "uncle" is definitely not something you would call a female poodle.

WG: That is true, sir, but—

PG: Unless your uncle had been transformed into a female poodle by some sort of witchcraft, like from a wizened crone from the swampy Louisiana bayou after he stole away with her last beignet from a small cafe just off Bourbon Street.

WG: That's...oddly specific.

PG: I can't look at a beignet without thinking of him. The barking still haunts me.

WG: Right. Well, this isn't that. At all.

PG: Oh, good!

WG: No, this is the story of Terry Riley, a roguish gambler who owes a lot of money to the mob and accidentally gets turned into a woman.

PG: Ha. Been there.

WG: I see what you're putting down there, sir, but I will not be picking it up.

PG: Smart. So how does this Terry Riley get turned into a woman?

WG: We're keeping it pretty vague, something about some medical experiments. But they turn him into a gorgeous woman overnight.

PG: Strange medical experiments that turn you into a gorgeous woman overnight are tight!

WG: Oookay.

PG: But he keeps his penis!

WG: What?

PG: He keeps his penis! That's very important!

WG: I...okay. But I don't think it's really all that relevant since we weren't going to have a lot of sex in this thing anyw—

PG: He keeps his penis!

WG: Okay! He...keeps his penis. Sure.

PG: That one is for you, Uncle Sebastien. You brave poodle.

WG: Uh huh. Oh, hey! It just hit me. If he keeps his penis, I can put in a lot of dick jokes!

PG: There it is.

WG: Anyway, so after he gets turned into a woman, to sneak past the gangsters he has to dress up like a French maid.

PG: A sexy French maid?

WG: You know it, sir!

PG: And that's why they name him Fifi, right?

WG: Oh. Uhh...actually, I named him Angelique.

PG: Whoops!

WG: Whoopsie!

PG: Tell me about the other characters in this thing.

WG: There's a bunch! There's Delgado, the gangster...

PG: Right.

WG: And then there's Terry's best friend, Ray...

PG: Okay.

WG: And Terry's entire family. There's his brother, Dave, and his sister-in-law Bonnie, and their two daughters, Claire and Madison. Madison is ten and she's really funny.

PG: What about the others? Are they funny, too?

WG: They're...present.

PG: Huh!

WG: Oh, and there's these two FBI agents. Plus, Delgado's adult daughter is also in this thing.

PG: This feels like a lot of characters.

WG: Then later, Terry's parents will drop in, too. Along with one of Delgado's lieutenants.

PG: Tell me you're almost done.

WG: And then later we'll introduce another of Delgado's lieutenants. A different one. Then maybe a ghost and a magical elf, but that might be a dream. Or not.

PG: Please stop. Please stop.

WG: Aaaaand, that's everyone.

PG: You're sure?

WG: Yep.

PG: ...Okay.

WG: And Jasper. Some random kid who knows Claire.

PG: Oh, my God. Look, you mentioned the gangster.

WG: Lucius Delgado, yeah, he's this big-time gangster who we're going to say is ruthless and really perceptive. And he's looking for Terry for...reasons. At first we're gonna say it's because Terry owes him a lot of money, but then later we're gonna say he's looking for some valuable...thing.

PG: A MacGuffin?

WG: I didn't specify, but it doesn't necessarily have to be Scottish.

PG: Okay, so Terry has to sneak past a ruthless and perceptive gangster who's actively looking for him, that must be really difficult.

WG: Actually, it's super easy, barely an inconvenience!

PG: Oh, really?

WG: Yeah, the instant that Delgado meets Terry dressed as Angelique he immediately falls in love with her.

PG: Wait. Who's "her"?

WG: Angelique.

PG: I thought Terry was a guy?

WG: Well, we're going to play it like it's more than that. After all, he's basically a woman now.

PG: Ahem.

WG: Sigh. A woman with a penis.

PG: There it is. Okay, so this super-perceptive gangster is inches away from the guy he's been looking for, but doesn't recognize him? I guess Terry must be a master of disguise, right?

WG: Oh, God, no. No, no, no, no. No.

PG: Come again?

WG: Yeah, he knows nothing about any of that. His teenage niece does his makeup the first time.

PG: And he's walking around in a French maid's outfit. Like with high heels and everything?

WG: Oh, yeah, super-high. Like ridiculous stiletto heels.

PG: Has he ever walked in high heels before?

WG: No, never.

PG: And what about his voice? Isn't Delgado going to realize that he's a man the second he opens his mouth?

WG: We're gonna toss out a line about how he sometimes does cartoon voices as jokes to entertain his niece.

PG: But what about—

WG: Listen, sir, I'm gonna need you get aaaaaaaalllll the way off my back about how he's able to flawlessly impersonate a sexy woman without any prior experience. This was based on transgender fiction. This is how it is.

PG: Oh, well, let me get off of that thing! You mentioned FBI agents. What's their deal?

WG: Yes, they're really important. They're trying to gather information to arrest Delgado. And the two agents' names are—get this, this is so good—Samm...and Adams.

PG: Okay.

WG: No, but, like, Samm...and Adams.

PG: Yes.

WG: Huh. Sorry, I guess I was hoping for a bigger reaction than that.

PG: Tell me a little about them.

WG: They're FBI agents. And they want to catch Delgado.

PG: Anything else? Like what are their personalities?

WG: Uhhh...pass.

PG: Really?

WG: Look, sir, honestly I kind of stopped writing them after I came up with their names. But when they see how Delgado falls for Angelique, they convince Terry to work for them undercover.

PG: Undercover as a French maid. Who's Delgado's girlfriend.

WG: That's right. The FBI is basically hoping that a guy they've never met before can flawlessly impersonate a woman to get romantically involved with a gangster who will then carelessly spill incriminating evidence.

PG: Because why?

WG: Because...I want them to.

PG: Yes, I get that you as the writer want that, but why would they ever do this?

WG: Um...so the story can happen?

PG: Fair enough!

WG: Oh, thank God. Oh, and nobody knows he's doing this, so Terry has to be super-secret about it.

PG: Smart.

WG: Except that Terry's nieces Claire and Madison know, because they helped him with his disguise.

PG: Makes sense.

WG: Also, their friend Jasper. And Terry's friend, Ray. And the FBI agents, of course.

PG: I feel like a lot of people know this secret. Who doesn't know?

WG: Well, Delgado, obviously. And Terry's brother. Also his sister-in-law, but she totally suspects something super-fishy is going on.

PG: So, only like two people don't know the big secret that if it ever came to light would immediately get Terry killed and end the show?

WG: That's what we're going with.

PG: Wow, wow, wow. Wow.

WG: We're also going to have a lot of in-jokes and references to the actress who plays Terry. She was on a show called Galaxy Crusaders and a movie called Mockumentary, so I thought we could put in a lot of sly little references to how this show kind of parallels her life.

PG: Nice. Are people going to get those references?

WG: I don't see how they possibly could. At one point we're going to do some "stunt casting" of the old captain from Galaxy Crusaders and have him play Terry's dad in one episode, and then give absolutely no indication of it.

PG: So you're going out of your way to write in-jokes and references that pretty much nobody on planet Earth will get except you?

WG: I crack me up. Heh, heh...I'm a writer. Anyway, what do you think?

PG: I think it could be a lot of fun! Although I do have one question. Honestly, I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask this, but I'm assuming that this show is based on an existing intellectual property with a proven track record and a massive built-in fan base who have gobs of disposable income?

WG: Eeeeeehhh....

PG: I don't like that noise. Please stop making that noise. Can I assume there's at least merchandising?

WG: Ehhh...French maid costumes?

PG: That works!

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