I just want to be me

Lying here on the psychiatrist’s couch, i was reflecting on how I had got to this stage, and was thinking of all the events in my life that had led to this.

When I was born my father left our home leaving Mum to bring up my elder sister Sophie and me as a single mother. it was a struggle for her and there was not much money for luxuries. That meant that as Sophie outgrew her clothes that they were passed on to me. As I was a boy she obviously did not keep dresses and skirts for me, but girls’ trousers and tops were the usual dress for me to wear. Until it was time to go to school we could not afford luxuries like haircuts, so mine was just left to grow, until it was way down past my shoulders, I cried when most of it was cut off as I had got used to playing with Sophie with her putting my hair into pigtails, bunches or a ponytail.

As we could not afford to go on expensive outings, most of the time Sophie and I played together. As she was older by two years, she was very much the big sister and was a role model for me in the games that we played and how I behaved. Even when I started school, I was still very much influenced by her and tended to relate to and keep the company of girls rather than mixing with the boys. Because I was always with the girls, generally among my classmates I was called Joanne or Joanie rather than my proper name of John, and Sophie and mum started calling me that at home as well.

As my hair had soon grown back to shoulder length, Sophie started braiding and styling my hair again and one time suggested that I put on one of her dresses to see how I would look as a girl.

“Come on Joanie, it will be fun, your hair is looking ever so nice and wearing a dress would make it look really better. You can wear that old blue frock of mine, it goes with your eyes and your blonde hair, and then we can really play as sisters.”

“ Alright, but don’t tell Mum, i don’t think she would be very happy about it.”

Dressing up soon became a regular habit. Rather than throw out any of her old clothes, she started to keep them for my dress-up games and when Mum was at work or shopping she often dressed me up and did my hair., Things all changed one day when Mum came home early from work and found me wearing a skirt and top and with my hair in bunches.

“ Oh Joanie, you look so cute all dressed up like that, you should do it more often, and since you like wearing girls clothes it will mean that you can use stuff that Sophie has outgrown and will save me a lot of money, not having to buy new boys’ stuff for you.

It soon got to the stage that the only boys’ clothes I had were the ones I had to wear for school, and even then I was wearing girls’ knickers under my trousers, I even wore girls pyjamas or nighties in bed with my hair brushed and tied back in a ponytail overnight. To all intents, apart from when I was at school, I was dressed as a girl all the time, not just around the house but also when we went out shopping or to play in the local park, my boys’ clothes were always kept clean to wear for school.

Living with my mum and Sophie, I began following their interests, tv programmes, and reading their books and magazines, and joining their conversations adopting many of their mannerisms and ways of expressing myself.

When I moved up to senior school, Mum thought that unfortunately it would all have to come to a stop, otherwise I would only face a life of bullying.

However after school and at weekends I became Joanie again, and as Sophie was now discovering makeup I became her model to try out new techniques and styles, and soon became very proficient in applying it myself. After a weekend in skirts and wearing makeup I had to make sure that at school on Monday all traces of Joanie were gone, and managed to survive my school years.
The only time I had any trouble was when I was asked to take a role in a drama production of Kiss me Kate. As it was a boys-only school, all the female parts had to be played by boys, and as one of the smaller boys, even when not wearing girls’ clothes, I was still a bit effeminate,

“ I know that you might feel embarrassed John dressing in girls clothes, but lots of actors do it, and I think that you would look so real as a girl, you haven’t started your growth spurt yet and your voice has not broken, you are an obvious choice for the lead role of Katherine, the shrew.” my drama teacher told me, “ and with your hair brushed out and a bit of makeup, you will be very convincing.”

When I was dressed and made-up for stage, comments were made that I was a natural at the part and looked and acted more realistic than many of the girls that my classmates knew. The play went down very well and I got rave reviews by the critics in the local press and the school magazine, helped by the easy way I slipped into feminine mannerisms and speech patterns, after all, I had years of practice. Unfortunately my old school nicknames of Joanne and Joanie came back to haunt me and it was not unusual for me to be called those names out of the hearing of teachers. After that I was always chosen for lead female roles and spent a lot of time at school rehearsing or acting on stage wearing dresses and makeup. I never had the growth spurt that my drama teacher had promised and although my treble voice was lost it never developed to much more than a husky soprano.

School soon came to an end and I found a job in a local Travel Agency where, other than the area manager who visited once each month, I was the only male in the office. As had happened in my early years at home with Mum and Sophie, being in female company all day at work and then at home with Mum and Sophie, I soon started to develop female mannerisms and habits again. As well as being with the woman and girls all day at work, I started to socialise with some of them in the evenings and weekends, and when out in their company the old names of Joanne and Joanie came back. It soon led to me wearing women’s clothes around the house again, although I drew the line at going out dressed.

By this time my Mum had been badly hurt in a traffic accident and later died from her injuries, and Sophie was now living with her boyfriend, As I was alone in the flat. and usually changed into a skirt or dress, put on my makeup, and did my hair as soon as I got home, it was becoming just more and more natural to me, and I did not even think of it as unusual anymore it was just part of my life. Unfortunately there came a time when I didn’t clean off my makeup properly and there were traces of mascara and nail polish left when I went in to work. It didn’t take long for it to be spotted by the other girls and I became the centre of attention for the day with them all wanting to know all the details my secret life.

“ Joanie, we know that you like being out with us girls and that sometimes on the phone you are mistaken for a girl, but we didn’t think that you went so far as wearing makeup.”

“ Do you wear women’s clothes as well?”

“ Do you want to become a woman?”

“ Are you gay, do you like men?”

“ Look girls, yes I do wear makeup at home. When you get home in the evenings you all change out of your office wear into jeans, casual stuff or or sweat suits. I do the opposite, the first thing I do is to strip off change my underwear , put on a skirt and top or a dress, brush out my hair and put on some makeup and that is my relaxing outfit for the evening.”

“ Next time you come out with us you will have to dress up glam like the rest of us, you already fit in with us even in your male clothes, but in a dress you will really be one of us and will not stand out.”

It was decided that on the following Saturday, after the office closed, we would all go home to get cleaned up and dressed for a night out for a meal and a drink, and that I would be going with them as Joanne.

I did most of my main preparations the night before, I made sure that I was totally hairless on my face and all my body, which was not too hard as I was not particularly hairy and only needed to shave once a week, and that sometimes was not even necessary. To save time on Friday, I painted my toenails, had a shower and shampoo and moisturised myself all over before dressing in my nightdress and dressing gown to sort out my outfit for the next evening.

Work on the Saturday passed in a blur, we were very busy and there was little time to chat about what we were all going to be wearing that night, so it would be a great surprise when I turned up to meet them.

As soon as i got home, I put my hair in rollers and sprayed it to give it a bit of body, made myself up with a glam evening look, and painted my fingernails, before sitting down to let them dry and to relax for a short while with a glass of Chenin Blanc.

Soon it was time to get dressed and to meet the girls for the first time as Joanne. I fixed on my breast forms, tucked myself, and slipped on my bra, panties and tights, removed my rollers and brushed out my hair before stepping into my dress. I had chosen a scarlet sleeveless mid-thigh shift dress and matching 3” heels which together showed off my quite slim long legs, a final mist of eau de toilette, putting on my coat, and collecting my handbag and I was ready to face the world for the first time as an adult woman.

I was extremely nervous entering the bar where I had arranged to meet the girls and almost backed out but a crowd coming in behind me left me with no choice but to keep going. A couple of the girls, Julie and Claire, had already arrived and saved a table in the corner for us and I approached them with my heart and lungs almost bursting my chest.

“ Hi girls.”

“ Julie almost spilled the drink she was holding. “ My god, is that you Joanne, you really scrub up well, you should not have been hiding yourself all this time, come and sit down and let us have a look at you.”

I put my bag on the seat and took off my coat to reveal my dress and figure.

“ Give us a twirl, let us have a really close look. You are amazing, you put us to shame and make me feel a bit dowdy.”added Claire. Looking at my breasts, she added “ Are they real, you are bigger than I am, don’t slouch, sit up and put your shoulders back, show them off properly.”

“ No they are not real, although I do seem to be developing a bit, maybe one day! The forms are fairly new and I fit them sometimes but am not really used to them yet. Anyway girls, does anyone want another drink, I am out for a night with the girls, not at a medical conference. While we were waiting for the others to arrive I went to the bar and ordered a couple of bottles of white wine to set us up until we were all together to set off to the restaurant.

“ You know, you even walk and talk like a girl, are you sure that you haven’t just been fooling us all these months.”

“I have had lots of practice over the years. When I was young child we did not have a lot of money and I used to get hand-me-down clothes from my elder sister and and play dress-up and girlie games with her. When Sophie got a bit older and discovered makeup I became a test bed model for her to try out new looks and then at school i was always given the girl’s parts in the plays and musicals. All in all i have probably spent as much time in girl’s clothes as I have dressed as a boy.”

“ You obviously have the clothes and make up and suchlike, do you often dress as a woman?”

“ It is becoming more and more, in fact the only time I really dress as a man is when I am working.”

The others, Jane, Sarah, and Kathy, soon arrived and after the normal welcome hugs, including me for the first time, I had to repeat most of the story again for their benefit.

“ Joanne you should have told us earlier, all the times you have been out with us you could have been enjoying it all as a girl.”

“ Right all of you, now you know about me, lets put it to one side and relax, tonight I am Joanne, out with you all, just forget about John and treat me as another one of the girls, just talk about things and do things you normally would and I will join in with you.”

After that had a really fun night, finished our wine and headed of to a nearby Greek restaurant that Julie had booked and had a lovely meal from a very attentive waiter who turned on the mediterranean charm for “My lovely ladies.” We finished the night by joining in with the waiters for the traditional end of night Greek dancing.

“ How are you getting home Joanie, you can’t drive, you have had far too much to drink?”

“ I will just get a taxi back Claire, that is how I got here, it’s not a problem.”

“ Save your money , I just live at the other end of this road and there is a spare bed in the flat, my flatmate is away for the weekend, you are welcome to stay the night.”

“ Thanks for the offer Claire, but I have not brought any nightclothes or toiletries or anything with me and need to get home.”

“ Don’t be silly, I can sort something out for you, and besides I have enjoyed your company tonight and we can finish it off with a glass of wine and a chat, and I am not taking ‘No” for an answer.”

We said our goodnights to the others and I thanked them all for a wonderful night out and for their treating me as one of the girls.

Giving me a big farewell hug and a kiss on the cheek, Julie replied to me, “ What do you mean treating you as one of the girls, after a couple of drinks I forgot all about John, as far as I am concerned you are Joanne, and I would love to see you more often.”

After the short back to Claire’s, I was glad to kick off my heels and sit down.

“From the look on your face when you took off your shoes you are now beginning to feel what it is like to be a woman. Come on, let’s get changed and clean our faces. Which do you prefer, a nightie or some pyjamas, you can have either, and there is loads of cleanser and moisturiser and stuff in the bathroom you can use.”

Keeping on just my panties, I settled on a floral shortie pyjama set . At first my breast forms hanging and moving free was a strange sensation, previously I had always worn a bra with them, but i soon got used to them as I sat and chatted with Claire.

“ How serious are you about this Jo, is it just a bit of fun or do you see yourself becoming a woman eventually.”

“ I don’t really know myself, I feel relaxed and comfortable wearing women’s clothes and am very much at ease working and going out with you all, but taking it any further is a big step, my heart probably says ‘Yes” but my brain is not so sure.”

“ The girls all thought you were amazing tonight, you make a really attractive woman and the way you act and talk and move looks so natural. Unlike a lot of transgender women, you would have no difficulty passing unnoticed.”

“ It’s something I need to think about. Like I said in the bar, the only time I am not female now is at work, otherwise I am virtually living as a woman.”

“ Ok, we’ll save that conversation for another time, it’s time we were in our beds, us girls need our beauty sleep, have a good nights rest and well chat again in the morning.”

I woke up refreshed and feeling relaxed, gave my hair a quick brush and wandered out to the kitchen still in my pyjama set. Claire was not yet up, so I filled the kettle, sliced some bread for the toaster, found some coffee, milk, musli and fresh raspberries, and had everything ready when Claire finally appeared.

“You look a lot better than I feel, I think I had a bit much to drink last night, please pour me a coffee, black, no sugar, and I’ll get my brain working again.

What are you planning to do today Jo, when I get myself together I will be going down to the local shopping centre to get a few things, why don’t you come with me.”

“ I will be a bit overdressed in my dress and heels, i will need to go home to change into something more casual.”

“ Spoken like a true woman !, Thats’s fine, we can get a bus back to your place and you can drive us to the mall and then bring me home. You can borrow a skirt and top to get you home and we can then pick out something suitable of your own”

Luckily we were almost the same size and she was able to find something to fit me.

Back home I quickly changed into a denim skirt, broderie anglais top some kitten heels and a casual jacket, moved all my stuff into a small shoulder bag and we set off. Julie introduced me to the delights of shopping as a woman, trying things on even when we had no intention of buying them, just seeing what suited me. She also talked me into getting my ears pierced “ Nobody nowadays has bare ears, you really need to get them done and get some studs or drops to go in them.”

Over a coffee in the main concourse she broached something which she had obviously been struggling for an opportunity to raise.

“ The girls really loved you yesterday and mostly already see you as Joanne, why not come to work as her from now on.”

“ Don’t be daft, it’s one thing going with friends into a dimly lit bar and restaurant wearing heavy evening makeup, but it is all together different in the glare of daylight dealing with the public.”

“ You will have no problems, honestly, How many times have you been mistaken for a girl on the phone and last night you just fell in with us and acted and talked like the rest of us. You do not need any more makeup than we do, your skin is quite smooth, you have very fine features and the way you had your hair styled last night was so feminine. Please give it a go, the girls would love to see Joanne in the office. Have you got anything suitable to wear for work?”

“ Not really, my outfits are either dressy or casual wear-about-the-house stuff.”

“ That lack of a refusal means you have almost decided to give it a try. Come on back to the shops, we’ll get you a couple of plain black skirts and white blouses, a plain black jacket and some sensible shoes as office wear.”

We soon headed back to Claire’s, dropped her off and I made my way back to the flat. Although I had spent a lot of money on my new clothes for work I was having second thoughts about whether it was a sensible thing to do to go into work as Joanne and was sitting with a glass of wine going over it again and again when I was brought back into the world by the ringtone of my phone.

“ Hi Joanie, it’s Julie, Claire has told me the news about the new you starting at work tomorrow, that’s brilliant, you will be really welcome, we have all been suggesting it and talking about it for days, since you agreed to go out with us as Joanne. I remember my first day at work and I was really nervous wondering if i would fit in and you must feel a bit like that. If it will help, I will pick you up and we can drive in and go into work together, it will help to have someone with you.”

“ Thanks Julie, that will be brilliant, to be honest I was having second thoughts, but you are not going to let me back out, are you?”

“ No, I am not, go for it girl. I will see you at 8 o’clock, be ready and don’t worry, you will be fine.”

I did not have much to do to get ready, I had done most of the main things for my night out. It was just a matter of putting my hair in rollers and using a face mask before having an early night so that I was fresh for the morning.

When Julie arrived the next morning, I had been ready and waiting for a half-hour to make sure that I had not overlooked anything. I was looking every bit the professional woman in my new office outfit, light daytime makeup and my hair brushed out and styled hanging loose.’

“ Wow girl, you are wonderful, you look just like the rest of us, in fact better than most, just go in there, do your normal work and forget about how you are dressed, it’s going to be just another day at the office.”

When we went in the girls were all lined up to give me a welcome hug before letting me put my bag over the back of my chair, take of my jacket and get ready to deal with customers. I found that my name badge and desk nameplate now read ‘Joanne Cameron”, someone had been quick off the mark. It was a busy day, and like Julie had told me to do, I just got on with things as normal. None of the customers I had to deal with treated me as anything other than just another of the girls in the office and in fact most were a bit pleasanter and friendly than normal. The rest of the girls soon stopped looking over at me, just got on with things and just chatted to me in slack periods as if Joanne had always worked there. The day y soon passed and Julie dropped me off at home with a squeeze of my hand

“ That wasn’t too bad was it Joanie, you will soon get used to it and think nothing of it, see you at work tomorrow.”

Soon my life became routine and being Joanne, in the office and out with the girls, became the new normal, The only regular reminders of who I really was were having to be on a day off or feeling poorly on the days that the area manager visited, we all felt that the company was not quite ready for the new me yet.

Arriving home one day, I heard someone walk up behind me and turning round I could have been looking in a mirror, Sophie was standing staring at me.

“ OMG is that you Joanie, lets get inside, I need a drink and we don’t want to be standing out in the cold too long.”

“ I didn’t think this day would ever happen, all those times we played dress up or experimented with makeup and your hair, I thought it was all just a bit of fun, I never thought that it would ever come to this. Let me have a good look at you.”

“ Calm down Sophie, you are not responsible for this, I have chosen to live my life as a woman and you need to get used to it, John has gone and Joanne is here to stay.”

“ You look gorgeous and so natural and at ease, and I love the way you have styled your hair, it really suits you. When I saw you walk up to the door I thought that maybe you had found a new pretty girl in your life and you have, Joanne.”

“ I have been living full time as Joanne for a few weeks now, after a night out with some of the girls from the office they convinced me that this was the real me and were happy for me to work as Joanne, and here I am.”

“Are they really you.” she asked pointing at my breasts.

“ Not at the moment, they are still artificial, but I have started taking hormones and I think that they are beginning to grow. otherwise what you see is all me.”

“ Have you got time to stay for a catch up or is this a quick visit.”

“ We’ll come to that but first I want to know everything about how you are adjusting to your new life. sisters tell each other everything so I want the full story !”

it had been a while since we had seen each other, so there was a lot of catching up to do, she stayed for a meal and we talked late into the night.

“James and I are getting engaged and plan to marry next year. I came round to ask if you would give me away, but i will have to change my plans now, everyone has their sister as chief bridesmaid.”

I broke down in tears, you hear and read of so many transgender people feeling rejected by family and friends and I was overcome with joy at the way I had been accepted. “I will be delighted to do either role for you, or even both. thank you so much for asking me.”

She decided to stay the night so I made up the bed in her old room, loaned her a nightie and we cleaned up and got ready for bed.

“ Those breasts are so natural they look and move like the real things under your nightie, you really suit your new life and seem very well adjusted to things as Joanne, you should have changed a long time ago.”

We were up early the next morning as we both had to get ready for work, I gave her some clean underwear and a fresh top. “ It’s only a start but it goes some way to pay back for all the clothes you gave me when we were younger.”

My life’s was now the happiest it had been for a long time, my sister and work colleagues and friends totally accepted me, the hormones were beginning to take effect, My figure was gradually changing, my breasts were beginning to grow and other changes were showing. My skin was becoming smoother , my muscles thinning , my waist narrowing and i was becoming more feminine and even more female every day.

Everything was going so well for me when suddenly things started to go wrong. It all began with an unexpected unplanned visit by our area manager who came in with a furious look on his face.

“ Which one of you is John or Joanne or whatever you are calling yourself.”

The girls, led by Claire and Julie faced up to him, and stopped him barging further into the office.

“What is all this about, you can’t come in shouting like that.”

“ We have had a complaint from one of your regular customers that John, who he often dealt with is now passing himself off as Joanne and working here wearing women’s clothes, it will make us a laughing stock.”

“ Since you believe that Joanne is looking out of place, we will all remove our badges, you can have a good look around and talk to each of us, let’s see if you can pick out which of us is Joanne.”

“ Ok you win, I cannot tell, but it makes no difference, she cannot continue to work here. You all might all be happy to work with a pervert, but I am not, whichever one of you it is collect your belongings, you are sacked.”

‘You can’t do that, there are such things as unfair dismissal and employment tribunals, come into the 21st century.”

“If that is the way you want to play, it is fine with me, but be aware that the company is looking at some office closures, and unless you all stop this nonsense this place will be top of my recommendation list.”

I couldn’t take any more and allow my friends to lose their jobs, so with tears in my eyes I grabbed my coat and bag, pushed the narrow-minded arrogant excuse for a man out of the way and stormed out.

For the next few days I sat at home, getting more and more depressed at how my new life had suddenly been ruined. Claire called round every day for a week but I did not answer the door to her, and just sat there crying and feeling sorry for myself.

A few days later there was a knock at the door which didn’t sound like Claire, it was much more forceful.

“May I come in i would like to speak to Mrs Cameron please.”

“ You must mean my mother, but she passed away a few years ago, there is only me here now, I’m her s… daughter Joanne, can I help.”

“ Actually that makes my job a lot easier. The tenancy agreement for this property is in her name, tenancy rights do not transfer to other family members. The official records say that she was living here with her daughter Sophie and son John, no mention of a Joanne, so you have no right to be here. This is a 3-bedroom family flat, and it would be better put to use for others, I am afraid that you will have to move out, I am giving you a months notice to find somewhere else, sort out your possessions and leave.”

He left in a hurry, leaving me in hysterics and crying, my whole life had been turned upside down. I had lost my job, was losing the home I had lived in all my life, and was turning away from my friends, what sort of a future could I possibly have. I sat there brooding all day, getting more anymore depressed until I reached for the vodka bottle and a bottle of aspirins and slowly drifted away to happier dreams.

When i woke up I realised I was in a hospital bed, with lots of tubes in me and the constant bleep of monitoring equipment. Sitting at the bottom of my bed were Sophie and Claire.

“ You stupid.stupid girl, what on earth were you thinking of,” Said Sophie,”you were fortunate that Claire called round again, despite you ignoring her lots of times before. The front door was open and she looked in saw you lying on the floor and called an ambulance. You were lucky that you had drunk so much vodka, that made you sick and you brought up a lot of the tablets. you have a really good friend in Claire and you should thank her for the fact that you are still with us.”

“ My life is a mess, I’ve no job, soon i will have no home, and I don’t think I will ever be allowed to life my life as I want, I just felt that there was no reason to carry on.”

“ Firstly, “ chipped in Claire, “ after you left we all complained to Head Office about the way you were treated, they agreed that the area manager was well out of line with the company’s policies on inclusion and equality, you have your job back and they are more than happy for you to work as Joanne. Secondly, the area manager has been moved elsewhere and guess who has been selected to take over, say hello to your new boss !”

“ Claire I am so happy for you, and will always be grateful that you found me.”

“ My last bit of good news is that my flatmate is leaving to move away to work, there is now a spare room at my flat, it is yours if you want it, and if you don’t mind sharing with your boss.

Once the doctors were happy that I had not suffered any physical damage they passed me over to the psychiatry department to assess my state of mind and to ensure that I was no longer suicidal, and they quickly gave me a clean bill of health on that score and were happy to let me leave the hospital. They wanted to continue to assess my motives and my desires to live as a woman and that is how I came to be lying here being questioned about my life. At the end of the session, the doctor smiled at me and put down his case notes.

“Miss Cameron, you seem a balanced and well adjusted young women, and I will recommend to my colleagues that you are suitable for a course of treatment that will make you indistinguishable from every other one of your friends and colleagues.”

Over the next two years, I continued to work at the agency and was soon the office manager, I was delighted to serve as Sophie’s chief bridesmaid, her husband James was happy to accept me into the family, and I finally had the surgery to make me complete. After all the difficulties in my life I was finally allowed to be me.

The end