Part 11 of 29

Tuesday, July 23, 2013
My new glasses are in. They look just as cool as I hoped they would, very feminine. I did get one of those hanger things and I get a kick of having my glasses bounce off my breasts when I take them off.

Angel is easily amused, sometimes.

Wednesday, July 24
The good part of the job is doing the research for the transgender display, that was fun. The staff there is willing to drop everything and complain about censoring information if you give them half a chance, so we have more than enough material to do that part of the display. The harder part is finding the right material to explain transgenderism and all the various categories. This naturally gets into the subject of gay rights. Although we're trying to focus on the transgender area the two are hard to separate in the literature, especially the older stuff.

Not that the older stuff is that old. As far as I can tell there's practically nothing in print before the sixties. Our library has an unusually large collection of older material because someone donated their personal library. I'm glad that they did it in a time when the library could accept it without raising a public outcry. I have read just about everything there is in the collection, now all I have to do is figure out how to make sense of it in the display. I do know that Virginia Prince will be the starting point; she seems to be the grand dame of crossdressing, the first one to go public in a big way.

The bad part is all this research is making me think about just who I am. Well, maybe not bad, but uncomfortable. If you had asked me a couple of weeks ago I would have firmly told you I was a crossdresser, even if I wasn't so sure what that meant. I liked wearing girl's clothes but wanting to become a girl - no way.

But after a few of weeks living as a girl full time I was starting to wonder. How can I enjoy sex so much with Mary Ann and still love being a girl? I'm beginning to think I should talk to a counselor who has experience with gender dysphoria.

After all my reading I am starting to realize this may be more than a lark, but I still don't know how far I want to go down this path. I'm completely sure I don't want to lose my male equipment, but it is so incredibly comforting to wear a bra and feel my breast forms nestled up to my chest. I keep thinking how nice it would be to have real breasts.

That would be pretty damned permanent, once I make the commitment I would have to live as a girl (woman, I suppose) forever. It seems nice but - forever? No going back?

My Dad would disown me for sure, Mom would cry her eyes out and my sister would probably never forgive me. That would be hard. And what about Mary Ann? Sure, she loves me and I love her, but what happens if we decide this was a summer lark after all? (Not much chance, but what if?) It would make life very complicated, wouldn't it?

Lately I have been thinking of proposing to her, but I haven't had the nerve. Would she marry a man who everyone thinks is a woman? Could we live happily ever after if everyone thought we were lesbians?

I think I really need to talk to someone who can help me. We, I should say, Mary Ann needs to be a part of this, we need to make any decision together. Maybe Grandpa knows how to find a shrink to help, but then how do I pay for it? I sure wouldn't want Dad to find out I was going to a shrink, he'd make me come home and pray over me until I saw the light. He doesn't approve of shrinks too much.

Sometimes I wish I had never seen a bra in my life, it would have been much easier all around.
 

Thursday, July 25
My ears itch! It didn't really hurt to have them pierced, but they do itch and I'm always fiddling with the earrings. Mary Ann likes to nibble on them, and that stops the itching but she can't do it all day long. Someone at the library would be sure to comment.

I'm beginning to think that I should make my life's work inventing a robot that can put books back on the shelves in the right place. I may not make a fortune, but every librarian in the known and unknown universe will love me forever. After a couple of hours of shelving books I am ready to curse my boobs. They just plain get in the way, sticking out in front of me and I have a hard time carrying a pile of books. Mary Ann says a proper woman wouldn't try to carry as many books as I do and I should get used to it.

I'm trying to get used to being a woman, really I am!

I guess it's pretty obvious that I have been having doubts and problems lately. Grandpa and Eve finally decided it was time for a family talk tonight. At first I panicked, because when Dad wants a family talk it usually means people are not going to be happy afterward, but I should have known better. This is a whole different family.

It didn't take too long to tell them what I've been feeling, I trust them as much as I trust Mary Ann and it was awful easy to let my worries and doubts out. Mary Ann just held my hand as I talked it out, and the both of them just encouraged me to tell the whole story my way until I just ran dry.

"Well Eve," Grandpa drawled, "just shows you that no good deed goes unpunished, doesn't it?"

"Earle!" admonished Eve.

"Sorry Angel, I'm not trying to make light of your pain, but I guess I didn't think it through when I encouraged you to start crossdressing. After meeting your Dad I should have realized that there would be more involved than just changing clothes. Not to run down your Dad, but he seems to be a might too certain of things for my taste. Once you start asking questions some of the answers can be painful."

"You didn't make me start, Grandpa. I had been wearing bras long before you invited me for the summer, I just had to hide that I was doing it."

"I guess there are enough mistakes to give a few to everyone to chew on. Even though it's been a few years I still remember some of what it was like to be a teenager, as incredible as it seems.

"You're lucky in a way, Angel, because if I had had your desires there would have been hell to pay and damned few people who would have done anything besides thrown me out of the tribe to wander in the desert alone. It may not be much consolation, but at least we can talk about your crossdressing openly and try to make things better."

"I think that's what I need, I need to talk to a professional but I don't know how to find one or how to pay for it or ..."

"Take it easy, Angel, one step at a time. Take a deep breath!"

I took a deep breath, which made me very aware of my breasts, which distracted me for a few seconds, then let it out.

"That's better. I assume your folks have health insurance?"

"Sure, but I can't let Dad know I'm seeing a shrink. He hates them and then he'd ask why I was seeing one and ..."

"Breathe, girl, breathe!"

I breathed. Mary Ann squeezed my hand harder and I relaxed.

Don't borrow trouble, Angel. If you know the system there are ways to keep the details private, and Audrey Pymm knows the system, believe me. She's one of the best psychiatrists in the area and I know she has some experience in gender issues. If she isn't qualified she will be able to refer you to someone who is.

"Pymm?" asked Mary Ann. "As in the Frog Man?"

"His wife, although how she puts up with him without professional help I can't understand."

"Just ask me, Earle. I put up with you so I know how it works," quipped Eve.

"Quiet woman, I'm solving problems here. Give me room to work."

"Such a masculine attitude Earle. I think I'm going to have to put a bra on you and have Angel help me civilize you. Angel doesn't need you to solve her problems, she can do that herself with Audrey's help. You just listen and make encouraging sounds, that's what she needs right now."

"Ummm hummm."

"Better. Angel, if you want to talk to Audrey we'll help you do it. No one outside our family needs to know, the people in the Liars Club help each other when needed."

"I'd like that." I replied.

"We would like that, Angel. We're in this together," Mary Ann added.

"So we are. Thanks Grandpa. Thanks, Eve. And Grandpa?"

"Ummm hummm."

"Go ahead and try wearing a bra. It's a lot of fun, you may learn to like it."
 

Friday, July 26
Oh Lord! Chuck asked me for a date! What am I going to do? Chuck is a nice guy but I don't want to date him. I have a steady girl, but I can't tell him that!

How the devil do you turn down a guy when you don't want to date him? I mean, without hurting him. Mother never taught me this kind of stuff, and I sure couldn't ask my sister. Mary Ann would be the logical one to ask for advice, but I wasn't able to call "time out" long enough to consult her.

I got all tongue tied and stammery, trying to tell him I liked him but was seeing someone seriously. He looked like a hurt puppy, really he did.

I feel like a heel, I don't want him to think of me that way but how could he know? Since I'm trying my best to make sure he doesn't know that sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it? What really makes me wonder is that I gave him a kiss and a hug when I turned him down.

Just a quick peck on the cheek, but it seemed the right thing to do. It's only now that I realize I deliberately kissed a man because I was thinking like a woman and it was the right thing to do.

Dad always says one lie leads to another and that one leads to still another, until you get lost in the web of lies you have told. I don't want to think of me exploring being a girl as a lie, but I suppose it is. I am a guy, after all.

Aren't I?

I sure haven't been acting like it lately. Exactly one month ago today I left the house as Angel the Girl for the first time. Can it be that short a time? Could it be that long?

Depends on the way you look at it.

Mary Ann tries to understand, but I'm not sure she gets it. She really doesn't care if she's with Angel the Boy or Angel the Girl. If she has any doubts I haven't been able to see them. She's really amazing, I never dreamed I could love someone like I love her, and that she would be so willing to help me be what I want to be. I hope I am just as good to her, I try to be but I am never sure if I'm doing the right thing.

Kind of a theme in my life these days, isn't it?