Part 13 of 29

Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Is it genetic? Why can't women leave the phone ringing when there is something else going on? It's not like we don't have an answering machine that we can check later. I have no trouble letting the thing ring if I am doing something important.

Like making love.

Really. Grandpa and Eve were out at a meeting and, as usual, we spent the time in bed. Sure we can do it when they're home, but there's something very nice about not having to keep quiet. So there we were, with me getting close and the phone rings.

And she answered the damned thing! With me inside her!

"Angel, it's your Mom."

Damn her! Either her! Damn both of them! It was easy for her to say but I was breathing like a racehorse at the finish line (well, I was at the finish line!) and she wants me to talk to my mother!

She smiled as she sat on top of me and handed me the phone. I am going to have to think of something very special to pay her back for the sadistic look she gave me. It cost me all I had to say "Hi Mom," which I did in my Angel the Girl voice. Hell, I was Angel the Girl, despite the current circumstances. I was still wearing my bra, wasn't I? Yes, it's going to have to be very special!

So I coughed a lot and found my other voice and talked to my mother. While Mary Ann did things to various places on my body that my mother would certainly not want to know were being done. Mom missed me, she loved me, the family was going on a trip, she filled me in on what was happening at the church and with my sister. I mostly said "Ummm Hummm" because I didn't trust which voice would come out of my mouth.

I had a very hard time concentrating on what she was saying, I'm sure I missed a lot but it was mostly "I miss my baby boy" kind of stuff. If only she knew what was happening with her "baby boy," but I wasn't going to tell her!

I finally beat Mary Ann back long enough to actually speak a coherent sentence, told her about the internship, and Grandpa and Eve and assured her I missed her as I hung up.

You can be sure I didn't miss where I was aiming on Mary Ann when I finished, she was ready and so was I.

And I damn sure left the phone off the hook!
 

Thursday, August 1
We unveiled the display this morning, and it was a great success. The staff loved it and so did many of the patrons. Of course it caused a bit of controversy but Grandpa was beaming with pride when it was done and never seems to tire of talking to anyone who has a problem with discussing gender identity and the Function of Libraries in Contemporary Society. You can hear the capitals when he starts his lecture, believe me!

Actually, I was surprised that not very many people complained. I guess I was using my family as the standard to compare the display with, but the people who frequent libraries are very different than my family. Far more liberal, even radical, when it comes to censorship.

Chuck gave both me and Mary Ann big hugs when he saw it. He doesn't seem to be upset that I turned him down for a date. This time the hug didn't bother me, it was the right thing at the right time.

Funny, even with Mary Ann and me doing a big project on crossdressing and gender bending I don't think anyone has any suspicion about my true sex. The only one who wonders about my gender is me, I feel even more comfortable being a girl than I did as a boy. It's no longer an act, it's just me.

Cool.
 

As much as I'm proud of the work we did on the project, seeing the calendar reminds me that there is less than a month before I have to go home and can no longer have Mary Ann in my life and in my bed.

I'm going to school and living at home and she's staying with Grandpa to go to college here. She's excited about studying architecture.

I have to say I'm not looking forward to losing Mary Ann and Angel the Girl at the same time, but there's nothing I can do about it. Writing letters seems to be so pallid when compared to what we have now. Long distance romance is going to suck.
 

Saturday, August 3
Went shopping with Eve and Mary Ann today. Grandpa stayed home, grumping about not having time to watch three women agonize over style differences that make no sense in the first place. It wasn't that long ago I would have stayed home with him, but shopping seems to be addictive when you like dresses.

The problem is, I don't have the money to support my habit. Nice clothes are expensive! Until today I hadn't truly realized how lucky I am to have Grandma Sylvia's wardrobe. There is no way I could possibly be angel the Girl without it.

After shopping with Eve and Mary Ann and learning the finer points of fashion I also realize that Sylvia had very good taste. Even though she could have been my grandmother most of her clothes are stylish enough for me to wear without looking out of place. Classic styling, Eve calls it.

Beth at the library sometimes gives me a yank about looking like a spinster librarian, but there is no way I could carry off the short skirts and tight sweaters she looks good in. Besides, I have to admit I feel more comfortable in more conservative dresses. Dad's influence, I suppose.

Mary Ann is somewhere in between Beth and me. She can look very sexy in things that would seem dowdy on me. Sure, her figure is better than mine (whose isn't?) but it's also something in her personality that makes it work. Anyway, I wish I could have met Sylvia, she must have been a very special lady.

Oh yeah, Eve made me buy a skirt that is far shorter than I would have chosen, but Mary Ann tells me it looks great. I'll have to wear it on Monday.
 

Monday, August 5
Whew! I'm tired but still revving and have to put this down while it's fresh.

In the morning we were kicked off the laurels we were resting upon and started to research next month's display. Since the month starts with Labor Day it seems obvious we should use that as our theme. After a lot of discussion, the four of us (we were all working together on this one) we chose the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire.

This was one of the pivotal points in the labor movement; 146 workers were killed when fire broke out at the factory. 125 of them were girls, some were as young as 15 years old. There was just one fire escape in the building. They were on the ninth floor and above; they didn't have a chance. Even though the photos are in black and white, you can appreciate the horror of it all. This is not going to be as much fun to do as the gender project. Not at all.

On a happier note, we took the afternoon off from the library and saw Audrey today. She's the nice lady that is married to Charlie the Frog Man from the 4th of July. She's also a psychiatrist and a therapist. Grandpa asked her if she would talk to us about being Angel the Girl.

I was firmly told she was not Dr. Pimm, but just plain Audrey. I suppose I was expecting a couch because the shrinks in the movies always have couches, but we just sat on some comfortable chairs and talked.

Audrey is easy to talk to, I surprised myself by telling her just about everything I was feeling without being the least embarrassed. She kind of guided the discussion so it came out in a logical way, just putting it in a sensible order makes what I'm feeling a lot clearer. Even when she asked if Mary Ann and I were having sex it didn't matter too much, not even when Mary Ann gave her some details I wouldn't have thought of.

Now that I'm writing this down, nothing much really happened. We just talked, but the talking helped. Audrey basically said not to worry too much over whether I'm a man or a woman right now, that's what she's there to help us work out. She said that for now we should just keep doing what we have been doing as long as it feels right. Next week she wants me to take some tests to clarify my gender issues, and then we'll talk again.

I feel much better, I was kind of worried about seeing a shrink, but it wasn't a problem at all.
 

Wednesday, August 7
Talk about role reversal: Monday I saw a psychiatrist, today I became one.

You wouldn't believe what librarians are asked to look up for our patrons. My ass pinching weightlifter was pretty tame, and yes, some old bugger did grab my tit just like Mary Ann told me would happen. I slapped him. Gently but firmly.

I can find just about anything in the library blindfolded by now. Math, historical novels, religion, books on tape, CDs and DVDs, psychics, Science Fiction (my favorite!), newspapers, murder mysteries; you name it and I can find it for you. And if we don't have it I'll show you how to get it on interlibrary loan or find it on the internet. I'll even turn off the filter if you prove you're over 18.

Then there's sex – a very popular topic. Well, why not? We wouldn't be here if we didn't have sex.

It seems that people from about 25 on up can find their own way to the areas where books on sex are kept by themselves. (Medical and self help mostly - if you want a sexy novel you're on your own.)

The people who ask about sex seem to come in two categories. There are always a few Smart Asses, those who want to embarrass the young woman sitting at the information desk. It's a good thing someone had warned me this sort of thing happens occasionally, I just looked the beggar in the eyes, smile and tell him (it's always a him) where to go.

Not like that, I firmly direct him to the proper section to answer his request, even if he wasn't really thirsting for knowledge. Guys like him must be disappointed the old Spinster Librarians aren't around anymore to pick on.

Then there are Kids. Well, that's what the staff calls them and just because I qualify doesn't stop me from using the term. For that matter, reading The Joy of Sex with Mary Ann pretty much makes me one of them!

I get the feeling that there are an awful lot of parents in the world who don't talk about sex with their kids, mine included. (It boiled down to "keep it in your pants until you're married, then you'll find out.") The more confident Kids end up in the library to check out either the basics or some of the frills.

Most of the guys have a hard time asking Angel the Girl for help. It's gotten so I can pretty much spot them, and then take a break so Chuck or one of the male staff can spell me at the information desk. There are some brave guys that do come out and ask and I try to be matter of fact in answering their questions. Funny, I only had one Kid try to come on to me using a question about sex. I guess they're really after some solid information.

Most of the girls are in the Kid category, although I have had a sprinkling of older women who are recently divorced or starting an affair. It's amazing what some people confide in a librarian! With the younger girls contraception is a big interest and I always refer them to the poster for Planned Parenthood on the bulletin board. Sometimes they ask me for personal advice and I have to be sure my professional demeanor is firmly in place. I will refer them to the proper shelves but I'm not going to be telling them what to do.

Well, until today, that is. She was very good looking, maybe twenty-two or so - enough to make Angel the Boy pop his head above the place where he usually hangs out. She was standing very straight and looking stiff as she approached the information desk. There was no one else near as she asked me for self help books on rape.

Rape.

That's an ugly word. Angel the Boy didn't feel comfortable with it, and Angel the Girl had an even harder time. One of the things I have learned is when the world thinks you're a girl you feel much more vulnerable. Rape is not something I want to think about.

"I'm not sure we have any self help books. That's something that usually needs professional help." was all I could say.

"Oh. I had hoped." Then her stiffness crumbled and she started to cry.

I was totally unprepared for it, I lost any trace of professionalism and saw only another person in deep pain who needed help. I was up and holding her as quickly as I could. She needed it, it seemed like she was close to collapse. I waved to Sally to take over the information desk and guided her to one of the little reading rooms so she could have some privacy.

It was one of the strangest yet most real experiences of my life. I had never been in such a situation before, so I just kept quiet and let her talk. I took Eve's advice from the other night and made encouraging noises until she told me what she needed to say.

I'm not going to set down any of the details, those are hers and not mine to share, but I was shocked at the brutality she related. As Angel the Boy I found it impossible to believe that a man could do such harm to a woman, to any human being, but at the same time I have never felt my own femininity more intensely than when I was listening to her story.

I didn't know what to do, but I did remember the poster for the Rape and Abuse Hotline on the bulletin board. The number was easy to remember and I made my only suggestion to her when I urged her to call them. She had a cell phone in her purse and I sat there and listened as she called them, then waited with her until a woman showed up to help.

I have never been so exhausted in my life. How can Audrey do this all day, every day? Maybe it's the training, maybe not all her patients are in so much distress, but I had a new admiration for my psychiatrist.
 

Thursday, August 8
After I wrote my entry last night while Mary Ann was in the shower (that's mostly when I write, she likes long showers) I told her all about it. My love for her just keeps growing, she somehow knew just how to bring me back from the agitation and, I guess, despair I was feeling. Even now I still have a hard time thinking of what that woman (I didn't ask her name) went through.

In the end we made love, quietly but passionately; the love between us helping to wash away the hurt. I just hope that my unknown woman will someday know what real love can be.

Will she ever be able to forget the violence and enjoy sex? I spent some time today reading about rape. It's a topic that I don't like, but sometimes knowledge is uncomfortable. It's at times like this I wish Eve had left that apple alone, the Knowledge of Good and Evil is has it's disadvantages.

Even for a librarian, it seems.
 

Friday, August 9
Came home with a load of material for the Fire display. Is it because I'm so new at femininity that I am so caught up in what happened to those poor women? The more I learn the more I need to find out. I never gave much thought to Unions before, but someone needs to keep things like this from happening again.

The sad thing is it happened again. In 1991 Twenty-five people died in a fire at the Imperial Food chicken nugget plant in Hamlet, NC. The fire doors were chained shut so the employees couldn't steal the chicken. No fire alarm, no sprinklers, and over eighty safety violations when they cleared out the bodies. Eighteen women died this time.

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to become a historian. I had never heard of Triangle Shirtwaist or Imperial Foods, but now that I know of them I'm learning about just what caused the Union movement.