Home is where the heart is...

The next couple of days go well. We’ve been pretty busy once again and I’ve had several photo sessions of my own as well as more language lessons. I’ve made arrangements with Tanner to invest nearly half of what I earn after taxes to begin to save toward my operations. For some reason, the idea of becoming fully myself... I mean, fully female is really beginning to take hold. Isn’t that funny? I’ve spent years trying to be male and now in just a couple of months I’ve embraced being a female and can’t wait to be more complete. Maybe Dad was right and there is something wrong with me... I mean other than being a woman who has been trying to be a boy.

 © 2010 by Lilith Langtree & Rénae Dáºmas. This work may not be replicated or presented in whole or in part by any means electronic or otherwise without the express consent of the work’s Owner (copyright holder), with the exception of the private and non-commercial viewing by the reader who is also the end purchaser. ALL Rights Reserved, including but not limited to ownership of Characters, final content decision, and more. This is a work of Fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real people or incidents past, present or future is purely coincidental. Any and all images which may be shown within this work are taken through license under Corel with the exception of the title image which is Photo Credit to Irina Sheik. No affiliations, involvement or gender assignations through the use of these or any images of the subject or subjects contained within those posted images is to be implied, intended or inferred.
An Aldoennetti & Langtree Original.

That thought brings me to the sudden realisation that it has been three days since my Dad was jailed. The first day following our meeting, he was brought before a different judge for arraignment. That judge refused bail since Dad was a likely flight risk. Flight hell, he would have been pushing the plane all the way to a non-extradition country and then bitching because no one there spoke English. I’m worried about Mom and Sis. Without Dad around I don’t see them as having much money. My brother can look after himself, he was just as much a thorn in my side as was Dad but he’s all for himself and no one else. Mom and Sis wouldn’t receive a penny from him.

“Tan. Shouldn’t we have heard something from your sister by now concerning my Father?”

“She said it would be a few days, Kat. It’s only been... Huh... It has been three days, hasn’t it?”

“Yes. Maybe she has been busy and lost track of the time as well. I don’t know what made me think of it. Could you call her later this morning?”

“I’ll give her a call now.”

“No. We still have too much to do to get ready for this morning’s shoot. Are you going to use the computer controlled cameras on this one? It might be complex enough to warrant using them.”

“I was thinking about it. You’re getting to know the business pretty well.”

“I have a good teacher. With an audience there, you can’t place the cameras close. Will the strobes still carry from back behind the audience?”

“Yeah. They can be focused, so they will still do a good job of filling the area with light during each shot. Once everything is in place, I’ll need you to stand at the various locations so I can narrow the beam to cover you. By the way, don’t let me forget to bring the big batteries. Due to the distance, even though focused, I’ll still need to increase the output of each flash by several hundred watt-seconds. The larger batteries will be necessary if there is no power immediately available.”

“Where are they?”

“ Plugged into their chargers in the storeroom. Don’t even try to carry them, Kat. They must weigh about eighty to a hundred pounds apiece.”

“A hundred!”

“Yeah. Nearly doubling the light output of the strobes requires a lot more energy. Besides, the big batteries are lead acid, not Lithium. That makes a big difference in the weight. I use a cart to move them around.”

“What would the lighter Lithium batteries cost in the same capacity?”

“Too much.”

“How much is too much?”

“Hell, I don’t know... $2500 to $3000 a battery maybe.”

I look at him in amazement, “$3000??? How many would you need?”

“Worst case, six. That’s how many I’ll be using today.”

“And how much do the lead-acid batteries cost?”

“About $500 apiece. They’re considerably different than the smaller ones we usually use. I can’t even charge them in the RV unless I connect a power cord to some outside source of electricity and then it takes forever to charge them.”

I think about that as we continue preparing, “Tan? Could you charge the Lithium batteries in the RV?”

“Which Lithium... Oh... No. It’s the capacity or amount of energy stored in the battery. Six of the lithium take so much more than the AC generator can provide that it would take twelve to fourteen hours to recharge them rather than an hour or, at most, two like the smaller ones. I need them up a lot faster than that and the engine would also need to be running as long as the batteries were being charged. If I’m only using two then I can bring them back up in about three hours if they are connected to power from the building. It takes a separate cord and power breaker for each battery though.”

“What about carrying a small gasoline generator on the RV for those times when you need the big batteries?”

“There is a small one. I usually carry all six batteries fully charged from here and then use only two or three so I have a fresh set for the second half of the shoot. It’s worked out okay like that for me for a couple of years.”

“How long does it take to recharge them back here?’

“Uhmm... I don’t know for certain. Maybe twelve or fourteen hours. I can only do two at a time. If I checked them more often then they might be able to be completed faster. I usually let them charge all night before checking them. Why?”

“Just curious. It’s too bad they’re so heavy and take so long to charge. There were a couple of times when I thought the computer controlled cameras would have been nice while we were in Europe and Russia.”

“Oh yeah. It would have been nice to have them but the cost of the weight shipping them and the recharging problems over there aren’t worth the hassle.”

“Schatzi, Tanner; I’m on my way. See you at the shoot.” Irina yells as he is going out the door.

“Okay. We’ve got it covered here. See you in about thirty.” Tan screams back as the door is closing.

We finish the packing of the RV and Tanner runs the batteries over to it two at a time on their cart. It has a battery powered lift built into it so we don’t need to lift the batteries to the bed of the RV but we must still move them from the cart to the RV leaving my hands smelling of battery and black with the rubbery material which rubbed off them. I go wash and put some lotion on them before we depart. Fortunately I had enough presence of mind to bring some prepackaged cleaning tissues to clean up while on location. As an afterthought I rush back and bring my lotion and a couple of dry towels as well. All thoughts of my Dad momentarily forgotten, it isn’t until much later that afternoon that I come to enough to realise that we haven’t called Tan’s Sister.

I write myself a note about it and put it on the seat of the RV so I will remember to ask him to call her. Somehow I don’t think I’m worried about Dad sitting in jail but I am worried about Mom and how she may or may not have enough money to live on while Dad’s in jail. I make a note about that too, and resolve to call her to check. Perhaps I’ll send her a few hundred dollars to help until Dad goes home.

Again the question of my Dad gets me to thinking, which isn’t always a good thing. I recall that time my sister helped me to look feminine and I felt so pretty and happy and then she betrayed me and I got one of the first “whippings of my life” from Dad. It was nearly a year before my curiosity again got the better of me.

One day when everyone was out and I was alone at home, and I knew I would have several hours of being alone, I snuck into Sis’s room after pulling a bra, panties and slip from the hamper. They were black and I felt sexy with them on. I pulled on a light blue blouse and then put on her dark blue jumper over it all, using a heavy string to pull the back zipper up. Later I used it to pull the zipper down again, which almost didn’t work and had me in a panic for nearly ten minutes.

Looking in her full length mirror stunned me. My shape and appearance were fully female, and I relished the hour or so that I had to explore this side of me. If I could have taken my head off and replaced it with a girl’s head the apparition in the mirror before me would have been that of a young girl. No, that’s not fair... The apparition was that of a young girl and the head was a good part of it. The head just was missing long hair. That was when I began to grow my hair longer. I think it was more of an experiment to see if I could look feminine without wearing girl’s things but by the time the experiment had reached the point where I could make a conclusion, I had forgotten it was an experiment and accepted long hair as a part of me.

As I stood there looking into the mirror I wondered what makeup would do for my appearance but I couldn’t trust myself with the chance of using makeup although I gave it several minutes of thought. At the end of the time I knew I was safe before anyone came home I hurriedly removed everything, suddenly becoming ashamed of my feelings that perhaps I should have been a girl. I still remember how everything felt against my body and how happy I was until my sudden spate of confusing remorse. I tried to be a boy. For years I tried, but my body always looked like I was meant to be a girl.

Broken, bleeding, hurting, unhappy, wishing she was dead, but a girl.

I seemed to go in cycles. I would need to see myself as a female and then when I just began to see that I might actually be able to look and be a girl, I would dredge up my prejudices which had literally been pounded into me and expunge myself of the feelings and careful accumulation of feminine artifacts to try to be a more masculine male. Neither worked well and my beatings at school and at home only served to make me hate myself and others.

My journey into the past of my memories was cut short as we arrived at the shoot location. Irina’s car could be seen out in the lot along with about fifty others so he has obviously already unloaded his cases which belie his trade craft. Tan parks close then goes to obtain some assistance in bringing his things in from the RV.

I follow him into the hotel and find things are quite hectic with lights, people, models and cameras of many different descriptions present. I recognise a few ‘show-biz’ types and my gaze crosses them in puzzlement before settling on two large motion picture cameras. I suppose that explains the extra people and lighting. I’m wondering how we are going to accomplish our own shoot when Irina finds my arm and drags me off to work on my makeup.

“Oh, Schatzi; this is going to be so much fun. It won’t hurt Tanner’s standing either.”

I’m standing there with egg on my face until Irina has me sit down so he may begin another of his magical transformations. Ten or twelve minutes later he is nearly finished, complaining the whole while about how the lights used by the movie cameras are a different temperature than those Tanner uses in his still photography. As a result Irina has ‘split the difference’ and is not happy with the results since the still cameras will make me look less ‘wholesome’ as he has favored the movie camera’s needs.

“Don’t worry about it, Schatzi. You won’t be on camera all that long.”

I trying to understand what he’s talking about as some man walks up saying, “Is she the one we’re using for the walk-through?”

“Her makeup isn’t quite finished. We will need to touch it up in that lighting.”

“Okay. Come with me.” he directs to me as he turns and begins to walk away.

“Irina? What’s going on?”

“Didn’t Tanner tell you? They’re shooting a movie which has a the modeling trade as a background. They need a few models to do walk-on and off in a couple of scenes as well as the normal modeling for still cameras which would usually occur. The movie people, of course, will be in the foreground but there will be a number of models and photographers in the background taking photographs to provide support to the shows premise. After seeing the portfolios of several of Tan’s girls last week they decided which one’s would do a short walk through in one of the scenes. I guess they picked you as one of the girls. You don’t have anything to say. Just walk in and out of the frame there in the background.”

The man has returned, “Are you two finished talking? We need you,” he pokes his finger first at me then at a small group of people, “over there, now!”

“You’re rather rude.”

“Oh great, another Prima Donna. Save me from people who think they’re God. Look. We have a movie to shoot, a budget to hold to and only three more hours to make this work. If, your majesty, you don’t mind; it would be quite helpful if you could get your little fanny in gear and get over to that huddle to learn what it is you’re supposed to be doing. OK?”

“Would it hurt to be polite? That huddle?” I point at a group of about a dozen people.

“That’s the one, and I don’t have time to be polite. I’ve got to keep this scene in budget.”

I walk my model’s walk over to the ‘huddle’ while wondering how movies ever get made with people like him around.

~O~

Our part in the shoot finally is finished. I have a strange feeling I’ve missed doing something but can’t quite place what it might be. Thinking about today’s strange activities I suspect they would have gone much smoother if that funny little man hadn’t been trying to push everyone around. Then too, I suppose it won’t be all that long before I’ll be back at modeling clothing and having my hair and makeup cared for by people who are preparing me to be a walking clothes horse again. Funny how I’ve become accustomed to doing that.

With the RV all packed up again, I made my way to the front passenger seat, sitting down as I scooped up my two notes and passed my hands under my skirt, smoothing it under me. After Tan is in the RV and before we get under way I remind him of my Father and his sister. He calls her office only to learn she is in a meeting at the moment and will need to call him back. He asks for thirty minutes and we head on back to the studio.

Tan and I arrive back at the studio just as his sister calls back. While Tan is talking with her I pull the long heavy power cable out and drag it across the floor to the power connection at the wall near the RV getting this black soot like stuff all over my hands as I do so. What a mess. I’m trying to keep it off my nice suit. I should have changed into almost anything else before doing this. Too late now. I connect the cable to the RV like I’ve seen Tan do it and then remove the cover plate from the wall connection and plug in the cable. Going back to the RV I try to decide what it is that Tan usually does next noticing several breakers and small lights on the panel.

The funny triangle shape has a light in each of the corners of the triangle but they are off. After I throw the breaker on the wall and check again they are on. Reading the breaker information shown inside the panel door, I turn on the battery and lights breakers and am rewarded with a hum from behind the panel in the RV’s storage compartment. After I return to the passenger side of the RV and climb in, clicking the light switch gives me the further reward of brightly illuminating the interior of the coach. I must have done something right.

Checking the power strips, which allow the batteries to be charged, I see lights everywhere so the batteries must be charging. Tan returns by this time and helps finish it all then we (mostly he) puts the large batteries back into their room and connects the first two to their chargers. Tomorrow morning we will move the first two to their trickle chargers and place two others on heavy charge, repeating this until they are all recharged and on trickle chargers.

Tan checks the main breakers and clicks on two more, “those power the chargers for the batteries which run the RV. The ones you turned on only provide power to the lights and power strips. You did a good job Kat.” He gives me a hug, “Do you think you could handle eating out tonight?”

“That would be nice Tan. I’m pretty tired and really don’t feel like cooking again tonight. I would like to freshen up first though.” Holding up my hands for him to see the black soot stuff.

“Well then, how about going out with me to dinner before we go home and crash for the night? I have this serious need to sit in a quiet, intimate, poorly lit place with my fiancee for an hour or two.”

Do I dare? I’m still an IT, aren’t I?

“Kat. Just say ‘yes’ and reap one of the benefits of being a girl. Let your fiancee take you out to dinner.”

I gather every bit of courage I can muster, give him a crooked little smile and say, “Yes.”

I still had him delay by nearly twenty minutes while I went into the restroom where I washed my hands, twice, cleansed my face then finally put on my evening makeup. My skirt suit looks pretty good and most people wouldn’t suspect I had just spent most of the day in it. No serious wrinkles, spots, or stains. One little problem, I don’t have any perfume here. I need to purchase a small atomizer and leave it here somewhere so the next time I may feel more complete. Earrings are a bit of a problem and I finally compromise with a pair from our stock after carefully cleaning their posts with alcohol. Not perfect but okay for spur of the moment. Then I’m prancing out to Tanner again as I make a note to myself, ‘Self. Bring jewelry in purse every day. Two or three styles from which to choose, including ear-rings and necklace.’

I go back out, walk up to Tanner and smile, “I’m ready.”

He gives me a good once over, “Kat, don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not a woman. Every move you just made from the time I asked you to go out to supper with me up until now was straight woman with a capital W. You, young lady, are terrific. And more importantly, you’re my terrific.”

I gave him another smile and a poor attempt at a curtsey. He offered me his arm which I accepted before he led me over to his beemer, opened the door and assisted me into the car. As soon as I am settled he closed the door and came around to the driver’s side while I was finding my seat belt. Soon we were driving out of the studio’s garage, stopped for a moment so he could set the alarm before we were once again on our way.

Supper was just perfect and for once I enjoyed every second. We sat close together in a booth and much of the evening his arm was around me making me feel both protected and loved. It is a nice change to my previous life about which I gave not a thought during our drive to, from, nor during our meal; which, by the way, was delicious. I was simply a young woman who was loved, cared about and who has a wonderful boyfriend. In fact it wasn’t until sometime during the night when I woke up from light dreams that I realised from the time we left the studio until just now when I awakened, Mac did not exist and I was all Katrina. That was just as delectable as our delicious meal earlier.

I waited for the guilt to fall upon me or for Dad’s ranting and beatings to make themselves known in my dreams after dropping back into sleep but he never showed during that night. All I seemed to be dreaming about was being held and kissed by my fiancee. It felt good. More than that, it felt right. My other dreams were still around but very subdued and not at all difficult. I dreamt of walking down a long, long aisle while wearing a white gown and veil. I don’t know who it was beside me and the person toward whom we were walking looked like Tanner. We reached him and I could feel myself quivering not in fear but in excitement. Then the dratted alarm clock went off. I just know all those contraptions have some sort of extra sensory perception so they can pick the exact time when a dream is getting really good. I hesitate to consider the possibility that the alarm clock might be controlling my dreams (or my nightmares). Maybe I should find a new one which doesn’t know about my past. I wonder if they can talk to each other?

Shortly after the alarm, Tan is banging on my door as I do my best to burrow under the pillows and covers in the hopes he will give up and let me sleep as I try to return to that dream.

The next thing I know my covers are being dragged off of me, “Come on sleepyhead. We’ve got to meet my sister at eight and I need some things from the studio before we go.”

I grumble but get up and head for the shower. I hear him yell after me, “And dress smartly. We have a meeting to attend following the court thing.”

What meeting? I don’t remember any meeting. I reluctantly hurry my shower and then dress “smartly” in another skirt suit and medium heels, remembering to carry extra jewelry and perfume in my purse along with my trusty makeup. By six thirty we are on our way to the studio and depart there by seven thirty for our eight o’clock with his sister.

The first thing I notice upon arriving at her office is the chairs. They are all spread in the same configuration they were in the day my father made his first and second serious mistakes. Today, however, there are two extra chairs behind the one’s Tan and I sat in last time.

Jennifer has Tan and myself take those new seats, the doctors arrive and take their customary seats and a few minutes later Mom and Sis are occupying the chairs which Tan and I had been in last time. Our attorney again takes his usual place so he is in between Mom, and Dad’s attorney, who now sits next to him. Finally Dad and my Brother are escorted in to sit in the remaining two seats. With two deputies standing behind them the office is more than just a bit cramped.

Jennifer starts it all off and in short order Dad is signing the papers which gives me full autonomy from any influence he may wish to exert now or in the future and Mom quickly signs them as well. Jen now explains that this essentially places decisions which are not yet considered to be those which a seventeen year old is allowed to make over into the hands of the court and specifically her as an officer of that court. I’m still not certain but I think this is a good thing.

The son is temporarily remanded to the custody of his mother pending other action, and the Father is removed from the room to be taken to where he may be processed out of the system where he was being temporarily held. The son is now waiting in the outer office, Dad’s attorney has departed, and Sis and Mom are still in here. Tan’s sister motions for us to move to the seats vacated by the Son, Father and attorney and Tan opts to place himself to my right thus placing himself between me and his attorney, with me furthest away from the rest of my family.

“Now we may consider the further issues which have been brought to my attention before the paperwork is filed in civil court concerning those actions to be further considered.”

Tan and I look at each other then across at my Mom and Sis, who have just done the same thing except to each other and then toward us. The attorney and Tan’s Sister seem to be the only ones who know what’s going on at this point.

“Nora and Tashia. I see from the paperwork here that you intend to divorce your husband of 24 years for reasons stated in the pending filing. You indicate he has been: 1) unfaithful, 2) abusive to both you and Tashia as well as Mackenzie, 3) that you have no income nor place of your own to which you could go should this paperwork be filed and such action proceed. Is that correct?”

In a small frightened voice my Mom answers, “Yes. He was terrible to that young boy and I was too afraid of him to do anything about it. You said you would tell me if Mac is okay.”

“He is in a protected home.”

“Protected? Does that mean I don’t get to see him anymore?”

“That will be up to him once he is informed of this action. You also are asking for custody of your daughter Tashia and son, Sheldon?”

“Yes, except Tashia is of age although Sheldon is not. I don’t know if I can really have custody as such but I’m afraid of what Henry will do if they stay with him.”

“You are quite correct that your daughter may make her own decisions and Sheldon has already made such choice as he wants to remain with his father. And you, Tashia? With whom do you really wish to stay?”

“My mother. I would like to be able to tell Mac that I love him and if he wants to stay with Mom and me I won’t make trouble for him, although I did previously and I’m ashamed I did that.”

“Tan, would you mind having a couple of guests at your place for a month or two if that’s all right with your fiancee, Miss Van Derholt? It likely would only be until these two can get on their feet and the purpose is to keep their whereabouts secret from the father and older brother who will undoubtedly desire them harm once the father is actually served with the divorce papers. I was hoping you might allow this since your attorney is representing them in this matter and therefore could effectively discuss events for both cases at the appropriate location or at your home.”

“Uh... that could be a bit of a problem Sis. If you know what I mean. Kat and I also have some out of town commitments during the next few months.” I reach over and grip his hand, lightly squeezing a couple of times. Tan looks at me and I gently nod, yes.

“That is, we would need to have plenty of food in the house so while we are gone they wouldn’t need to go out. If Kat doesn’t mind having them there.”

“No, not at all. I think it might work out since we are usually pretty busy all day. In fact, the young lady looks like she might be able to help out at the studio if she doesn’t have another job she is doing.”

“Studio? Movies?”

“Still photography. I was doing a lot of the assisting there but lately have been involved so much with modeling myself that Tan could actually use a new assistant.”

“That sound’s interesting. What would I do?”

“We could talk about that a little later. We will be going to the studio and I could show you. I’m Kat by the way, Katrina Van Derholt and you are?..”

“Oh, sorry. I’m Tashia Elaine Phillips and this is my mother, Nora Anne. Pleased to meet you.”

“Tashia... Nora.”

“How do you do, Katrina.”

Tan’s Sister interrupts us, “All right, now that is settled I see no reason this paperwork cannot be submitted to process. I will have two officers accompany you ladies to your home to pick up your things and then they will escort you to Tan’s home. I must caution you both not to tell anyone where you are staying as your husband appears to be the vindictive sort who acts first and thinks second, if at all. I’ll leave you both in Tan’s moderately capable hands and, if not his, then Katrina’s. Mr. Jeffreys, you may now file your papers with the civil court. Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention.”

“Your Honor.”

So... Now I have my Mother and Sister moving in with a daughter they don’t recognise nor understand is related to them and I am faced with the question of whether or not to ever tell them. At least I may see they are safe and possibly get a feel for their true feelings concerning Mac. Will I go back to being Mac? That’s a hard one but... I don’t think so. Besides, I want to go to those schools and I’ve got to be female for those. I know, I know... excuses. Don’t give me a hard time. I’m Katrina. I like being Katrina. I like having friends. I like being appreciated and cared about and Mac never had any of that and was unlikely to ever come close to having any of it. It comes so easily to Katrina that I really can’t perceive of myself having been anyone else. Funny; after over seventeen years as Mac I basically had nothing. Now with less than ten weeks as Katrina the whole world is open to me. Am I willing to give all that up now that I’ve tasted it? Not on your life, bunkey.

to be continued