Knowing Yourself - Chap-04

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Knowing Yourself:
Chapter Four

by
Lilith Langtree
T. D. Aldoennetti

Half a league, half a league

With two of the three shoots finished we break for lunch and I wind up eating more rabbit food. This time I know better about the meat and order a small steak for the protein since we are going to be doing a shoot with me a bit later..

 © 2010 by Lilith Langtree & Rénae Dáºmas. This work may not be replicated or presented in whole or in part by any means electronic or otherwise without the express consent of the work’s Owner (copyright holder), with the exception of the private and non-commercial viewing by the reader who is also the end purchaser. ALL Rights Reserved, including but not limited to ownership of Characters, final content decision, and more. This is a work of Fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real people or incidents past, present or future is purely coincidental. Any and all images which may be shown within this work are taken through license under Corel with the exception of the title image which is Photo Credit to Irina Sheik. No affiliations, involvement or gender assignations through the use of these or any images of the subject or subjects contained within those posted images is to be implied, intended or inferred.
An Aldoennetti & Langtree Original.

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We couldn’t make the morning slot with the client since we had prior engagements but he is okay with an afternoon gig so we are going to spend my shopping trip time shooting on site somewhere. I don’t know how this is going to affect our shopping for my clothes and I’m hoping we will still have some time to do at least a part of the shopping. Getting paid for a shoot has me happily nervous so I’m a little mixed up having psyched myself for shopping and now needing to change that to playing clothes rack for a client.

On our way back I ask Tanner if we could make a quick stop so I may buy a little fruit to take back to the studio. I would like to have something I could munch during the shoot which won’t make a mess and will allow me to nibble without adding weight. “When I’m nervous I need to nibble.”

He smiles and even pays for the three apples I pick out. That was good since I don’t have any money or ID with me. I need a purse. Not having any money or ID on me also makes me nervous. I’m accustomed to having a wallet with everything in it on me at all times. This thing about abandoning my money and identity as well as my apartment key and everything else makes me feel terribly vulnerable. Almost as bad as walking into the house on a school day when dad was home early.

We make it back without some cop asking for my ID on the way, and begin to set up for the third shoot of the day. Once that is completed we prepare to go out ‘to the location shoot’.

Finally arriving at the client’s choice of location we meet up near the waterfront and walk out into the marina. A changing tent has been set up on the shore near some club buildings and I am sent over to it while Tanner and the client discuss the shoot. Irina takes his makeup box with us and we are met by two assistants inside the tent where they begin preparing me in the first outfit. Irina changes my makeup to better fit the daylight and the outfit and soon we are back out with me tottering on 3 &  ½ inch heels. The shoot goes well, at least I think so, and I only had one frightening moment when I thought the heels I was wearing with the cocktail dress were considering pitching me over the side and into the harbor. Of course Tanner caught that precious moment ‘on film’ so to speak and the client liked the shot which he could view on the notebook computer Tanner brings along to capture the outdoor shots from the modem in the camera.

An hour and a half later we had gone through four outfits and we needed to change the lighting since it was beginning to become a bit darker. Now, too, I was wearing longer dresses and heels and we were taking shots on board a stadium sized yacht. Okay, so it isn’t really, but it seems that way to me. I’ve never been on a yacht before. Most of the shots were taken with me leaning near the stern or up on the... ‘flying bridge?’ The client really loved those since a small breeze has the gowns flowing out while I’m freezing. I don’t know if ‘flying bridge’ is the right name since I don’t seen any resemblance to flying nor to a bridge but who am I to argue? I didn’t know bow from stern until someone explained it to me. Port and Starboard still have me confused.

Anyway, we finished the shoot and the client is pleased and I earned close to $850 before taxes for my part in the whole thing. As far as I was concerned that made up for these past two days. And to think this all started because I got soaked in a brief rainstorm. I’m changing back to my skirt suit while Tanner and Irina are packing everything. The client comes in and thanks me for a job well done which at first panics me since I’m in there alone, but a few seconds later Irina is there pretending to pack his makeup kit but apparently he is there to chaperone me. The client offers me any two of the outfits from the rack and I select the black cocktail dress and the one filmy outfit for casual occasions. I ask if I may have them and the client is surprised I didn’t select the more expensive dresses.

“I couldn’t do that, Sir. I wouldn’t have much opportunity to wear them so you really wouldn’t receive much publicity for your clothing if I selected one of them. The cocktail dress I will likely wear far more frequently so you would receive greater market value from it or the casual gown.”

He looks at me with increased appreciation for my honesty even as Tanner rushes through the flapway into the tent.

“You’ve got a good model here, Tanner. She doesn’t take the most expensive clothing and considers whether we will receive sufficient publicity from her wearing our things out in public. We have a sales tour coming up in the spring. Do you think she will be available to take a whirlwind five week set of runway showings? There will also be dinners and photo opportunities as well during that time.”

“Send me the details, will you? I’ll see if I can work them into the schedule. She has some overseas commitments so I need to see how it all fits together.”

“I’ll do that. Since it’s a traveling runway showcase we could use four girls, but I want her to be one of them.”

“I’ll see what we can do. Did you want my agency providing them all or do you have them coming from somewhere else?”

“Well, to tell you the truth, we have an ongoing contract with George to provide three girls. The other may come from anywhere. As the showcase goes around the country we don’t always have enough girls. If you’ve got them then they could come from you and you also will have the marketing photos and the business catalog to play with so most of it would be yours.”

“Send me the details and I’ll see what I can do and get back to you. If we sew this up pretty quickly then I may be able to move around the overseas stuff a little to accommodate you. How’s that sound?”

“As good as I could expect at this point, Tanner. She’s pretty good. Could use a little polish but she’s good. How long has she been doing this?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

The client smiles, “That long, huh?”

“Yeah. She signed with me a bit less than six months ago.”

The client turns to me, “Young lady. You continue to learn and yet stay the same as you are now and you will go far in this business. Good Luck.” He holds out his hand so I take it daintily in mine and he leans over and kisses the back of my hand. As he straightens he gives me a wink then turns to Tanner, “I’ll contact you tomorrow after I courier the details to you first thing in the morning.”

“Sounds good. I’ll be looking forward to it. Oh... I’ll be out for a few hours tomorrow. Katrina has a couple of issues with Immigration we need to take care of and the appointment is tomorrow.”

The client’s smile drops from his face, “nothing serious I hope.”

“No, just a few little details about her work permit and passport. Nothing serious. They probably forgot to stamp something, you know how those bureaucrats are.”

“Yeah. They tried to tell me I wasn’t an American citizen when I came back from my European trip last year. This whole Homeland Security thing has gotten way out of hand. I had to threaten them through a couple of friends of mine who are on the oversight committee before they would back off. If you go overseas more than once in a blue moon they think you are either a terrorist or a citizen of some other country. If you need some help let me know and I’ll sic my friends on them.”

“Thanks. If we need it, I’ll let you know.”

We make our way out with me carrying my two new acquisitions and the matching heels out to the RV. Irina takes his makeup kit to his car and our two vehicles start back to the studio.

~O~

Tanner is bubbling the whole way back. I’m bubbling because I just earned nearly my whole month’s salary in a few hours. Then I remember the conversation in the tent.

“Tanner? What’s this thing with Immigration?”

“Just a smoke screen. We actually have an appointment with a judge friend of mine who will help us temporarily change your name so we may get you a passport in the name of Katrina Van Derholt.”

“CHANGE MY NAME?”

“RELAX. Yes, change your name. You’re the one that brought up the fact you don’t have a passport and we can hardly have a male name on the passport with a female picture can we? If we change your name then we can get you a passport in the proper name and everything will go nice and easy. Two years from now when this is all over we can change it back and you may go your merry way.”

“I never bargained for this.”

“As I said, you’re the one who brought it up.”

“Don’t remind me. This is getting out of hand. I didn’t bargain for any of this. Why do I need to travel as a woman?”

“What did you expect to do, dress like a hippie guy to travel from country to country and then check into a hotel in order to change to Katrina? Then change back after the shoot, check out and fly to the next country to do it all again?”

“And what’s so wrong with that?”

“Not a thing except it won’t work. Emerson will have someone accompanying you virtually every second. There will be no time when you will be left alone to make the changes and your passport will be given to each hotel when you check in. Don’t you think it will be a bit funny for them to have a guest that has no passport and to have a passport which is missing a guest? You’re the one who didn’t want anyone to know you are impersonating a girl.”

Shit. This is just one more complication I don’t need.

“So I have to be a girl 24/7 for two years?”

“That was the deal YOU set up,” he reminds me.

“Fine.” I turn away from him and begin to pout as I look out the window of the RV.

“Is that ‘fine’ yes, or ‘fine’ no?” he says jokingly.

“Just — fine!” a tear begins to find it’s way out of my eye and down my cheek where Tanner can’t see it. I hear him chuckle.

We pull into the studio garage and meet Irina who luckily found himself a permit parking place nearly in front of the studio. Tanner and I walk in and Irina goes ballistic.

“What have you done to my makeup? You look like a wild animal.”

Tanner hears Irina’s outburst and grabs me turning me around so he may look at my face. The tears are obvious even as I turn my face away from him and try to pull away.

“Damn. This was a bad idea.”

He doesn’t get any argument from me and Irina takes my arm and leads me over to the makeup station to clean off my face and redo the makeup.

Tanner meanwhile has plunked himself down in front of the computers and is going through the motions not really thinking about it as he watches Irina working on my face , trying to clean the few spots where tears and makeup have deposited themselves on my blazer and blouse.

Fifteen minutes and I’m presentable again. Tanner is still sitting in front of the computers thinking. It must be some serious stuff, we can see the smoke coming out of his ears. As we watch he shakes his head no for about the umpteenth time and continues thinking. I start in his direction but Irina stops me saying quietly, “No schatzi. When he’s like this don’t bother him.”

Twenty minutes later he says, “Damn. Why did my best opportunity have to be her... him?”

Now he is looking at the screen again and actually going through the photo files. He continues to shake his head ‘no’ gently as he goes through the photos. He swears a few more times before standing and walking over to me.

“Okay kid, you win. Change to your male clothing and I’ll get your check for you including today’s stuff. That should give you enough to live on for a while as you try to find other work.”

“What will you tell the clients?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you suddenly had to return home and you doubt you’ll be coming back much less going back into modeling. I’ll figure out something. I’m not going to put you through this since you obviously haven’t thought it out and aren’t prepared to handle the changes. It isn’t your fault, I should never have pushed it.” He laughs a small self depreciating sound as he shrugs his shoulders, “I’m a jerk. I think of myself rather than the other people. It just that there are so many out there who are depending on me to provide them with a livelihood and sometimes it gets to me. When I see an opportunity to really make some money and get out of this whole mess I forget someone might be hurt in the process. Sorry kid. I’ll figure out what I owe you and cut you a check.”

He walks away going into his office and shutting the door. Irina just sits down at his makeup station leaving me wandering around trying to decide if I should take this chance to get out of this mess. I sit down at the computer and after a minute or two have that portfolio presentation back up on the screen watching it. That Dutch girl doing the modeling actually looks almost as good as the ones I’ve seen here in the studio. I’m impressed. I leave the computer and go over to my male clothes, standing there looking at them for a couple of minutes before turning around and walking over to the office door which opens as I reach it. Tanner comes out holding a check which he hands to me, I don’t even look at it but just fold it and continue to hold it as I stand in front of Tanner. I glance over at Irina who is still sitting at his makeup station looking blankly into the mirror.

Finally I look back, Tanner hasn’t said a word.

“Tanner, I’ll try to make this work. I just feel like I’m disappearing and someone else is taking my slot in the world and she is quite different than me. I’m not a girl. This whole thing bothers me and I’m not a girl. But for two years I’ll try to make it work. Just don’t leave me alone like you did today when that client popped into the tent. I feel terribly vulnerable and that felt like a betrayal to me more than anything else.”

I hand him back the check, “Is this enough to get me the clothes I need?”

Tanner looks at the check in his hand and at me, Irina has turned around to watch us and to see what the final result is going to be. Tanner pulls me into a hug, “Sorry ki... Sorry Sis. I’ll try to take better care of you in the future... Especially around Emerson.” He kisses my forehead steps back and winks, “we have a lot of shopping to do and we’ve lost most of the day. We better get going. Tomorrow morning we need to see the judge and take care of your name change then get your birth certificate changed and a passport on fast track. We don’t have a lot of time.”

~O~

The shopping was fun, I tried on more things than I want to think about before settling on a few of them. More shoes and a pair of boots as well plus matching handbags. Some jewelry for when I’m out in the evenings. I won’t need any during the shoots because any jewelry I should be wearing would be provided as a part of the ‘look’ the client desires. Tanner makes one point however. We purchase a wedding set for me to wear most of the time. He hopes this might slow down Emerson a bit since he seems to, “mostly hit on the single girls.” We manage to close the mall at it’s ten o’clock wrap up time.

So... now I’m ‘married’ to some nameless individual who is supposedly still back in Europe somewhere and tomorrow we hope to be able to fast track a name change and the acquisition of a number of other documents then apply for a passport so I may actually be able to travel overseas. To top it all off, Tanner decides I better at least have some idea of being able to speak or understand Dutch, “just in case,” so he orders one of those Rosetta Stone courses for me - shipped overnight. I still feel a bit like I’m standing at the base of a huge mountain watching an avalanche coming at me with the speed of an express train and I have nowhere to run. It probably wouldn’t do me any good to try.

“...rina? Katrina? You okay honey?”

“I come back to reality and look at Tanner, “I’m fine. Everything is still just coming at me ‘faster than a speeding bullet’. What were you saying?”

“I’m going to drop you off at my place for the night. It’s in a better neighborhood than your place, especially for a woman; and it has an alarm system connected to ADT.”

Suspicious, I ask; “Where are you going to be?”

“Here. I need to finish your Port after I add today’s shoot to it. I have a small studio apartment in the back. I’ll be fine. More importantly, you will be fine. Irina told me he thinks so little of your present neighborhood that he wouldn’t consider allowing his own daughter to live in the area much less you, so we need to get you out of there pretty quickly. You’ll learn that lots of times guys are okay where women are at risk. We can’t afford to have anything happen to you.”

“Thank you. It didn’t seem all that safe to me as a male either.”

He smiles and points toward the door, “Scat Kat. Here’s the key for the place and the code is 7743. You have 30 seconds to enter it on the keypad after you open the door. It’s Asterisk, 7, 7, 4, 3, pound. After you’re in and everything is closed up just press the asterisk and then 7 and it will rearm. Before you go out in the morning enter the entry code wait a minute and then push the asterisk and seven. You have 30 seconds to leave and close the door before it arms. Understand all that?”

“Yes. I’ve got it. 7743; and asterisk 7. No problemo.”

He smiles at me then leans over and kisses my forehead again, “Go on Kat, I’ll grab your stuff and we’ll use the car.”

I pick up my bags and he takes my two long dresses in their closet bags out to his Beemer and we spill everything into the back before I get in and we pull away. We go in a completely different direction than we would have gone to get to my place and in twenty minutes we pull up at a small house in a fairly nice looking neighborhood. Compared to where my apartment is located this looks like paradise.

I go to deal with the door and the alarm system panicking at first because I don’t find a key pad. The smart aleck who installed it mounted it so the front door hides it when you open the door to enter. I manage to enter the code just a split second before the alarm begins to go off so there is a single chirp before it clears. I walk back out and help Tanner to bring my things into the house. He checks the place to be certain everything is locked before he departs for his studio again. I wait at the door until he drives off before I close and lock it, arming the alarm system again.

After several trips I have all of my stuff in what appears to be a spare bedroom and am hanging much of it in the empty closet. That finished I change to something comfortable and go to search his refrigerator to see what’s available for supper. After considerable examination of the foods there, I opt for discretion and pull out a large TV dinner promising myself that I won’t eat the mashed potatoes nor the dessert. There are two chicken fried steak patties and corn, I hope that will be enough.

The microwave is large enough I could probably put a whole turkey in it. Yeech, microwaved turkey... not appetizing. Seven minutes later I am sitting down to eat, after a short search for silverware which I finally found in a dresser which is occupying part of the hallway near the kitchen. He needs a maid or a girlfriend who is willing to take care of his place. This is obviously a bachelor pad, and has been for several years by all appearances. I finish off the meat and corn and place the dinner on the kitchen counter while I wash the knife and fork then waste five minutes hunting for towels to dry them before giving up and spending an equally frustrating time in fruitless search for paper towels. None of this makes sense. He has all these nice appliances but doesn’t have kitchen towels or paper ones for that matter?

Sliding the dinner tray back into the box, I go to examine more of the house. It smells dusty and there must be an eighth of an inch of dirt on nearly everything in the living room. Surely he doesn’t sit on this stuff to watch TV. The couch is disgusting. After another exasperating search I finally come up with a vacuum cleaner which, when I check the bag, appears to be hardly used. I take it to the living room and begin to clean up after my absent host. Forty minutes later things are closer to sanitary but the dust in the air has given me three or four sneezing fits. At least I would consider sitting on the couch now. I give it another once over just for general principles. Since I’m at it already I continue in the hall and then in my bedroom and the bathroom just as a precaution concentrating on the area around and on my bed.

An unpleasant thought crosses my mind and I check the sheets and blanket before wandering into the laundry to see if he has laundry soap. He does, some off the wall generic but that’s better than nothing. I wash the bedding and run it through the dryer then remake my bed. While the washer and dryer were running I vacuumed most of the house. The bag in the vacuum is now half full and YES, there was that much dirt everywhere.

Before I realise it I have once again returned to the kitchen and raided the remains of the TV dinner scarfing down the dessert which was a chocolate brownie. My craving for an after dinner snack and for chocolate now satisfied I search for some sort of cleanser for the wooden furniture but find nothing. I make mental note to obtain some pledge, paper towels and at least four cloths to use for cleaning the furniture... Oh and some kitchen towels to dry the silverware and dishes should I use any. Another thought, does he have any pots and pans and even dishes... I don’t remember seeing any of those either. I finally find the dishes in what is supposed to be a pantry but there are no canned goods in there nor are there any fruits or vegetables anywhere that I have found. There is one bag of potatoes which are well on their way to growing a new crop along with the fungus which has found a nice home. Tanner needs to get married to someone, either that or he needs a nursemaid.

I look around for a book to read and don’t find much. It’s obvious he doesn’t spend much time here. This is a place where he may crash but it isn’t a home not that I’ve ever really had much of one myself. I think Mom might be okay - I’m not certain; Dad?... certainly not. Sis neither, as she’s been brainwashed by Dad and my dear brother. I can imagine him even now. He somehow manages to pilfer copies of some of the women’s magazines which show models and fashions. I could just picture my brother’s eyes bugging out, tongue hanging down and drool coming off his mouth as he looks at Katrina modeling a skimpy bikini one day. He needs electric shock therapy and I would love to administer it. Dad? He’s just a plain old religious bigot. Don’t confuse him with someone who cares. If Pastor Richards doesn’t say it’s okay then it’s an act of Satan. I know Mom doesn’t believe a word Richards says but I think she has given up trying to talk sense into Dad.

After putting the vacuum away and dropping the remnants of the TV dinner into the trash can out back, I go into the house once more and set the alarm again then retire to my room putting a chair up against the door under the knob just as a secondary precaution before changing to my nightie and slipping into the clean bed. I love the smell of freshly washed bedding. For some reason I’m really tired and checking the clock I find it is nearly two. Cleaning the house or at least vacuuming it has taken a lot out of me. I make a mental note to me to get some more vacuum bags, just before everything fades into oblivion.

Sometime during the night I wake up sweat pouring off me. My dream still fresh in my mind as I search for the injuries Dad has inflicted upon me as I was dreaming. How he ever realised Katrina and I are one and the same I’ll never know. But then in dreams or nightmares nothing ever needs to be logical, just scary. It was really weird, Dad and Emerson were both there. Emerson was all for yanking my clothes off and making me pregnant and Dad was all for yanking my clothes off and beating me with a razor strap. Oh, yeah... He uses a straight razor to shave. I hate that strap. Sis and Bro were there too, pointing at me so the hordes of illiterate brutes known as our high school football team could come thundering down on me. That probably wouldn’t have bothered me so much if I wasn’t the only person on the opposing team. Mom was in the stands waving some school pennant but I couldn’t see if it was for them or for me.

Tanner was there too trying to convince me to get into his Beemer so he could drive us to Timbuktu for medical care concerning my unborn child which was a product of some European gigolo’s amorous advances. How so many concerns and fears could wind up in one illogically connected series of events in one dream escapes me.

I probably lay there for an hour just trying to get my heart rate back down before I drop off to sleep once again. Moments later I’m awake with the sound of Pastor Richards ranting about morality and the sins of the daughters as he points directly at me. I tried to tell him I wasn’t a daughter, I am a son but my father immediately yelled out, “It’s no son of mine,” so there you are. According to them there is no in between; just black or just white and only white was going to heaven. Of course I don’t believe him concerning that since I know a lot of people who are not white and whom I am convinced will make it into heaven. Did I mention that Pastor Richards is also a racial bigot?

Any way, much of the rest of what’s left of the night goes pretty much the same way with me waking at least a half dozen times. Thinking back upon that I don’t understand how I could fall asleep and wake up so many times in only four hours or so.

The alarm drags me out of my comatose state and I discover I cannot open one eye which has apparently glued itself shut from the same tears which have soaked my pillow. I manage to stumble my way into the bathroom and the shower, which is separate from the tub, and after a few minutes have both eyes open if not wholly functional as yet. God, I hope Tanner has coffee here.

(chap. 4 of 28)
to be continued.

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Comments

This is what I like to read

A well-thought out story with some movement in the characters. Nice.

Lulu

- Gender is between the ears, sex is between the legs and anywhere else you can get it. - Lulu Martine

- Gender is between the ears, sex is between the legs and anywhere else you can get it. - Lulu Martine

Progressing Nicely

terrynaut's picture

This is moving along nicely. I'm really enjoying Mac/Kat as she slips slowly but surely into a feminine role.

Foreshadow much?

Thanks and kudos.

- Terry

Sounds like PTSD

Poor Mac/Kat needs some therapeutic support also but hopefully this new job can be a therapy (and blessing) in disguise so he/she can find peace within him/her self.

Kim

Poor girl

Renee_Heart2's picture

Mac/Kat has a lot of issues with family esicaly with his/her dad, sister & brother & a bigiot pastor not to menchion his/her school past. This "girl" has got to seek some profeshional help maybe once she finds her true self then that can take place. We know that Mac/Kat is inner sexed, but maybe more than he/she or anyone else realizes. I just have a feeling that Mac will find out that he really is Kat for real & always haas been Kat just some hormonal mixup at the right time fused her vigina & enlarged her clit. I'm shure something will be revelied in later chapters.

In the mean time I look foward to reading more of this story keep up the good work.
Love Samantha Renee Heart

Love Samantha Renee Heart

Tanner is neglecting to

Tanner is neglecting to remember that his model is really a boy below and wants to stay a boy. If anything happens to hurt him, Tanner will be at fault.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Kat on a Hot Tin Catwalk

Lilth & Teddie (hope you get this)

A wonderful tale of someone getting to know him/her self. This promises to be a wonderful story. I don't know whether to cheer for Mac or for Kat. Hopefully, the total person survives and rides off happily into the sunset.

As always,

Dru

As always,

Dru

"Port and Starboard still have me confused."

Diesel Driver's picture

I found it helpful to remember that "Port" is 4 letters and "Left" is 4 letters. So "Port" is "Left" and that means "Starboard" has to be right, Right?

One other thing, I think she meant "strop" not "strap". From Dictionary.com:

strop
   [strop] Show IPA ,noun, verb, stropped, strop·ping.
noun
1.
any of several devices for sharpening razors, especially a strip of leather or other flexible material.

Very easy to get the two words mixed up and possible that a spell checker may not know the word "strop".

Chris