Hi
This is the exact letter I wrote to my wife. After over 20 years together she walked in while I was on the toilet wearing bright pink silk panties. She had left for work and returned fast to tell me something. When she walked in I pulled my pants up as high as I could to hide my panties. She asked what was going on and I said nothing. She did not ask again but I knew she would. I so much wanted to be honest with her. That day I wrote this letter and gave it to her (we work at the same company). She read it and gave it back.

Here is my letter to her exactly as written:

I don't know where to start. I am sorry and feel a break in my heart for what I have done to you. I hate myself for what I have done and wish I could undo my whole life. I don't know what to say, I can't even come close to putting into words what I have done. Believe me when I say I love you and always willand with all my heart I hope you still love me if you can. I don't know what you are honking of me right now and I don't know if I really want to hear it. All I can do is try to tell you about me and my crazy and I do mean crazy self.

I have had this problem my whole life, as long as I can remember. I tried to share it with you about 22years agowhen I first fell in love with you. You seemed to not understand and thought that sleeping together would have changed my whole thought pattern. I guess I should have pressed the point at the time. I really thought that I could overcome my problem, but never have been able to. Just like people who can't give up drinking. You try to stop and then for some reason you start again.

I have real memories of stopping for good and then starting again. Unlike quitting smoking this is something that is so deep inside me the thoughts never go away. Just ignoring them and going one day at a time has worked for the short term. A panic of being caught usually sets it off, but I can't change my thoughts. If I could find a way to stop I would. And as much as I love you I don't see how you can help. Your way of doing things and mine are very different and if you try to help me I only see it as a dividing point, although that may not matter to you now.

This is something that in my entire life I have only ever tried to talk to one person about and you just did not understand. I don't blame you for that, I don't understand and it's me I am talking about. If you have to have details and stories I could try to give them to you, but it would be very hard and I don't know if it will help.

Now you know why I kept saying drugs were not what I needed for our problem, and I needed to talk to someone. This is not N issue that I can go to the Bishop regarding. And if that is my choise then I will leave the the church and never return. I know and trust the Bishop, but this is not something that I can talk to him about and then have to see him every week like it has not been a problem. Then in the future he will no longer be my Bishop and I would have to bring it up again to someone else.

I don't know why I do what I do. It is a fantasy, that no matter how much I pray or what I do I know it can never come true. I guess that is why I like to read and get away and live someone else's life for awhile.

Regardless of what I do to stop the behavior, the bi problem which is me, will never go away. If and when I get professional help this is not something that you can sit in with me, maybe eventually, but definitely not at first. This is so embarrassing to me that if anyone found out I could never see or talk to them again. I can't do that with you unless thatis what you choose, but I could with anyone no matter how much I love thm. You now know my deepest darkest secret and I am sorry, but there is nobody you can talk to about it. That is my opinion, but what you do is what you do, just remember if this is not a secret you can keep I don't know what I will do.

Can we go on living our lives the way we have? I can, nut I don't know if you can. Can you live with me and know this secret? Will you still love me? How can you live with me? I don't know the answers to these questionsyou need to answer them for yourself.

I am so sorry, I really wish I did not have to give this burden to you. If you want to leave me I will try to understand and let you go if that is why you want.

Well that is the letter. She read it in less than five minutes and gave it back to me. I have carried it in my wallet for over three years now.
Thank you for reading my story.
Brenda