After the letter

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Hi again
Thank you to all that read my first post. Some seemed to think I was brave with my letter. I was scarred and desperate. We didn't have the chance, and I made sure of it, to talk the rest of the day at work. That evening as we set in the parking lot at Costco she asked what was going on. I tried to talk but could not get the words out. I ended up telling her I was sorry and did not know if I would ever be able to talk about it. I also said I would go see a counselor about it. The next day I contacted the EAP program at work that offers all kinds of professional assistants. When they ask why I needed a counselor (so I went to the right one) I told them it was for depression. The next day I met "Mary". I was up front and frank about my whole life. To be able to share was such a wonderful thing, too bad that the reason that brought me there overruled it. She had me read her the letter. After so long I don't remember all the details. I did tell her I felt I needed to tell my wife. Two day latter I bought my wife. Mary and I spoke a little and I brought my wife in. Again I could not talk and broke down in tears. After a while she had my wife wait outside for me. I saw Mary twice a week, then once a week then once a month. My wife never ask what we discussed just if it was helping me. Mary said she did not understand how the two of us could sit in a livingroom with an elephant and never see or talk about it. Once about two months in my wife asked if I was ready to talk about it and I told her I did not think I ever would. I would go to "my meeting" on nights that my wife was not home so that it did not effect her. During this time Mary said I needed to stop dressing if I was not going to be up front. So as so many times in the past I purged my wardrobe. So sad as there were things I cannot replace. That lasted a few months before I started again. After over two years and my wife not asking me any questions I told Mary she did her job and I did not need to come back. The very next day my wife asked I'd I was still seeing her. I told her no and we have never discussed it again. The stress for at least the first year or so was terrible. I never knew and still don't know when and if she will bring it up. Two times she should of and could of were she got a bug to clean out the garage and found a bunch of panties. I know this because she mentioned it kind of casual while working right nest to my daughter. I just hum and went about my business. The second time I am not sure, but we were sitting on the couch, I had my legs curled up under me reading while she watch TV. As I shifted my shirt lofted on back and I know my orange panties showed over to top of my pants. She gave me a look and I thought I was dead. Nothing was ever said. It's hard living with an elephant. Someday we may start eaten it one bite at a time and I may need some help at that point. For now I diet and hide.

This has worked for me so far and it only does because of my wife. Thanks for reading
Brenda

Comments

hugs, hon

coming out is the hardest thing one can do - except trying to keep yourself hidden.

Good luck.

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Coming out

I wish I would have gone the whole way. Maybe someday with someone. I have some family that might be more excepting then my wife.
Good luck to you and all of is on the same journey.
Brenda

Brenda Sands