“I guess I'm supposed to lie here, am I? Hoo-boy! Me on a psychiatrists couch, who'd a thunk it? Well Doc... Can I call ya Doc? I guess so, wit those degrees on the wall. Oxford, University of Heidelberg, Anaheim Asuza and Cucamonga Junior College, you must really know your stuff! Anyway. It's about this thing I do. I dunno if you'd call it a fetish or what; I'll leave the diagnosticatin' ta you, Doc.. But I'm never really happy, I never really feel like myself unless I'm all dolled up and feminine. Like the song goes, I enjoy bein' a goil. And I'm comin' ta hate more and more runnin around like a nekkid boy bunny. It just feels wrong! And it's feelin' wronger and wronger every day...”

“It didn't start out dat way. For years I thought I was doin' it for a laugh. To hoodwink dis chump who was givin' me grief all the time, by the name of Elmer Fudd. Always after me with dat big ol' blunderbuss he carries around like he's compinsatin' fer sumthing, if ya get my meanin'...

“I'm a pretty good quick-change artist, and when he would be chasin' me, I'd grab a conveniently placed dress or a nice skirt and blouse, some cute shoes and pretend to be some dame. It fooled him every time.

“But he wasn't the one I was really foolin'; I'm startin' ta see dat now. I'm confused, Doc. Or maybe I'm not confused. Maybe I'm just a coward. Me who could face down a charging bull, an abominable snowman, hunters, cannibals, Martians in Roman helmets- any weird sorta predicament or peril without breakin' a sweat. Maybe I was throwin' myelf into dese dangerous sitchyashuns ta prove that even though I present kinda androgynous sometimes I wasn't no little sissy-bunny; which growin' up in a tough boig like Brooklyn in the 1930's was somethin' ya really didn't wanna be! And also takin' on all them big dumb mooks who needed to be taught a lesson helped me avoid confrontin' what I was most afraid of all this time... Myself. My real self.

“But fer all these wacky adventures I kept havin'---I went to the moon once, did I ever tell ya that?---it always got back to Elmer. And sure he made it easy, bein' such a perfect sap, but there was more to it than I was tellin' myself. All that kissin' him right on the smacker and runnin' away I done over the years? I told myself I was just doin' it to be sarcastical; But I sure did it a lot! And since I been getting' in touch with my goily self and all other defenses is comin' down I can finally see why...

“What can I say? I'm in love with the big lug! I know, crazy, huh? I fought against admittin' that by fightin' him fer damn near a century! I kept on droppin' anvils on his head nad stuffin' dynamite down his pants even after he tried to reconcile. He gave up hunting, apologized, and gave me those lovely tapes of classical music. Vivaldi, Haydn, Mozart. I never took him fer a classical music fan but he's not the total maroon I thought he was, I'm seein' that now. Under that gruff and corpulent exterior lies a beautiful soul, the heart of a poet...”

THE PSYCHIATRIST NEVER SAYS A WORD, BUT BUGS TALKS ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF THEM, ANSWERING ALL HIS OWN QUESTIONS, EMBRACING THE GIRL-BUNNY INSIDE AND HIS TRUE FEELINGS FOR HIS PERENNIAL ARCHNEMESIS; UNTIL HE REALIZES HE'S SAID ALL HE NEEDS TOO....

“By gosh, Doc! You've really helped me understand who I am. All that defensive sarcasm, my smugness, that blithe attitude toward everything; pretendin' I don't give a damn about nothin' was masking a fear of any real commitment, keeping me isolated. I see now it was all just me being in denial about the girl bunny I am, that I always knew I was. I'm gonna stop pretendin' Doc. From now on call me Caitlyn! Caitlyn Bunny! Even though I haven't aged since 1938 I know life is too short to live a lie!”

“And my war with Elmer. Dat was another lie. I was pathetic, Doc. So afraid of rejection I masked my love behind a thousand acts of hostility and violence. I only hope that he can forgive me, and least let me tell him how much I love him! And if he'll have a used-to-be-boy-bunny for a girlfriend, I'll be the sweet and loyal goil a man like that desoives!” he gets up, “You can keep the rest of your fifty minutes Doc, I got things ta do! My life, my real life starts now. I'm so happy I could kiss you, but there's only one man I want to kiss from now on!”

As the door closes behind Bugs Doctor Kookinheimer turns toward us. He pulls his beard down revealing it was only attached to his face by an elastic band. The face is none other than Elmer Fudd. He says: “Say what you will about the weliability of ACME pwoducts, their subwiminal message tapes weally do the twick! Uh huhuhuhuhuhuhuh...”
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