Little Pink Pills

Part Twenty-Three, by Michelle Wilder

Sometimes when Supe was stopping crimes
I'll bet that he was tempted to just quit and turn his back
On man, join Tarzan in the forest
But he stayed in the city, and kept on changing clothes
In dirty old phonebooths till his work was through
And nothing to do but go on home

(Superman's Song, by Crash Test Dummies)

(Revised and reposted)

----

The last one she went to was Val and me and Cathy, the one with Cathy and me in our purple Oshoshes. I looked at my face. I was smiling so hard that it looked silly.

"I remember taking this." Mom touched the picture. "Cathy was so excited to have pants just like yours and you were the proudest little girl in the world."

I had to look at her. She smiled and touched the picture again, a little caress. I looked.

I had long hair, maybe, for a boy.... I looked like a pale Cathy. A short Valerie.

"That was a girl day for you."

I looked like a little girl.

But I almost looked like a girl in the other ones too.

-

"Do you have any pictures from later? After Cathy left?"

Mom didn't say anything, but she got another album and opened it to our class pictures. Val's classes and mine, and single ones of Cathy and Bev and Crystal, and Diane and all our friends, too. Every year, there were a dozen pictures.

Up to grade five.

Grade six, I had short, ugly hair, and I looked... different. Not smiling, not for real. I was wearing a nerdy shirt.

I looked like a lot of my classmates, like the boys. And there weren't any little pictures of Bev or Crystal or anyone. Just the one class picture and the one of me, in two sizes. I looked again and Bev and Crystal were in the big picture, but away from me. We were always together, before, the four of us.

I remembered. Stuff. Hating my pictures. I didn't remember my hair that way, even seeing it.

It was from about a month after Cathy left. I remembered going to school for weeks feeling like it wasn't real, like it didn't feel like school should, without her.

Mom flipped through a few pages and photos of winter and Christmas and the whole year, I guess. I remembered I didn't get dressed up at all on Halloween, that year. I remembered....

-

Grade seven, I was in the class picture, but there wasn't any single picture of me. My hair had grown back a bit, but I looked mad. Mom stopped there.

"You refused to get a picture taken that fall."

I remembered. I didn't let anyone take my picture. I remembered... yelling at Dad.

I remembered a ton of things.

-

She just told me it was okay, and they understood. And rocked.

----

I wrote Cathy an email, to the address Brenda'd found.

I apologized for not returning her letters, and not finding out where she was and writing earlier, and told her a little bit about Brenda and Carson and Jerri, just they were my friends, and Valerie being in university.

I didn't want to think about why I never wrote her for years and years, or why I threw away her old emails and letters.

Or why I couldn't tell her all the stuff I wanted to, not in a letter I didn't know if she'd really get, for sure.

I didn't say that I needed to talk to her so bad I had to keep stopping and wiping my eyes so I could see. I didn't tell her I was in love and I needed to talk to her because I felt like I was splitting in half and she was like my other half and... I couldn't....

I didn't ask if she was happy. Or about Linda. I was too ashamed to tell her about Crystal or Bev. How we didn't talk.

Ashamed.

I asked her to please, ~please~ write back?

-

After I sent it, I hugged Strawberry and just sat. And hit Check Mail a hundred, hundred times.

----

I showed Val what I sent and she thought it was alright. Then she made me start getting ready to go to the game.

----

Even though Mom made us bring about a cubic yard of stuff, cushions and blankets and food, we got to Rosedale really early, almost the first ones there, and we took over about fifteen feet of seats on the bottom row so I could stretch out my leg. Mom even brought a camp stool for me to rest it on. Val asked if she brought a tent, too?

----

Right after I got settled and sat back, I got cold. Even wearing a sweater and my winter jacket and two pairs of Dad's pajama pants under the huge fake jeans I used to wear over the big cast, I was still cold. I wished I'd brought mittens and a hat.

Mom said it was probably because I was skinnier and couldn't move as much, and she shifted the blankets around so I was sitting up on them instead of the seat and it helped a bit.

The crowds arrived right before game time, like they did, and the Rosedale team started warmups. I could see their breaths and everything. Our team wasn't out yet even though Val said she saw the school busses over to the side.

Their cheerleading squad came out to warm up the crowd, and they made it fun to watch with skits and stuff, but even with Mom and Dad close on both sides of me I was too cold to enjoy it.

Finally, Mom wrapped Dad and me together under the blankets, with his jacket open and hugging me and I started to shiver less almost right away.

-

Dad said I was asleep about five seconds after I was warm.

----

I woke up when I felt something touching my nose. I was confused and my face was cold and it took a long time to figure out where I was. Dad was holding me and Carson was in front of us in her clean uniform and it was just before the game was gonna start.

I smiled at her and she grinned and ruffled my hair because we couldn't kiss there. And she had to run back to the bench.

-

It was great just to see Carse in uniform again, but I couldn't follow the play. It was just a couple of minutes before she went on and even by then I had to concentrate to pick her out and see what was happening....

-

We had to go home when I started to shiver again, hard, and couldn't stop, but Val went up and got Carson's attention on the bench and we waved goodbye.

The ride home was pretty horrible. I shivered enough I almost felt sick and couldn't get warm even with the car heat way up.

----

I soaked in the tub a lonnnnng time before I felt warm. Mom wrapped my leg and foot in a towel to keep them warm and dry and then added hot water until it was almost too hot, but I needed it.

When I was warm, Mom helped me dry and then into Val's flannel nightie and then Dad's warmest housecoat. Then she made me drink a big mug of soup. Val dried my hair while I sipped.

----

She waited until I was comfortable before she even got into bed and we both kinda moved all around and found a way to sleep. It was hard, with my leg on a pillow. I didn't hurt, but it was uncomfortable in a weird kinda way, like I kept having almost-cramps, little twitches.

And I was cold again. But I felt warm as soon as the covers were over us and tucked in and Mom kissed us both goodnight. Even my leg stopped aching after a while more.

-

"Hey, sis?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you really okay?" She sounded worried. I thought what she meant. Might mean. More than just being cold, maybe. Maybe Cathy. The pictures. I held her arm tighter.

"Yeah. I am. But I'm so different than I thought...."

"Mmm?"

I had to think. It was hard to keep awake. I wished I could've watched Carson play longer.

-

"Do you think Mom and Dad think I'm a baby?"

"I think you've always been their baby, so, yeah, sometimes...."

"But I'm seventeen."

"And you've been so sick and helpless, and you changed a lot with Carson and all." She snuggled in close to my back. We'd shifted around once I was warm.

"You've been all surprised and emotional and... like everything is new. Like a little kid." She leaned over and kissed my cheek.

"And you're a sweet little kid."

-

She was quiet for a couple of minutes and I tried to think about what she'd meant, maybe how it was the same thing. But it sounded way better, okay. Like I was okay. I kissed Strawberry.

"Thanks, sis."

She hunched up on her elbow again and turned my chin so I was looking right at her.

"I really love you, little sister mine."

And she kissed my cheek, the same place.

----

When her alarm went off she told me to stay in bed and kissed me goodbye. I guess I slept through her getting ready, after that.

----

At ten Mom came in and woke me up to tell me that Carson was heading over with Brenda, so I got up and she helped me have a quick bird bath and then I got dressed and hopped downstairs.

Mom and Dad were on the sofa reading the Saturday paper and I sorta fell between them.

"Morning, Mommy! Morning, Daddy!" I was half off the seat so I had to squirm up.

"Good morning! You're in a good mood this morning?"

"We had a long talk last night. Val and me. She said it's because I'm in love with Carson." I smiled at Dad. And realized that didn't make sense.

Then I looked at him, trying to do what Val said I'd been doing, seeing him like he was new.

I couldn't see how I could. He was just my Dad. Father, Daddy. I leaned over more and took his arm. I looked at Mommy too, the same way, and it didn't work with her either.

I squeezed Daddy's arm and just felt good. Then I half let go so he could read the paper.

----

Carson and Brenda said we had to go over and see Jason and Cheryl sometime around lunch to talk about Monday. And the game too.

But we had time to sit in the den and for me to eat some toast and jam.

Carson was all smiles but Brenda said it wasn't really a good thing. She said she'd heard all about it, and it was only Saturday morning!

"I mean, c'mon! Cuddling with Daddy at school?!" She looked mad, and at Carson, too. "And YOU!"

"What'd she do?" I was cuddling with her right then, so it sounded weird after I said it, her being there and all. So I grinned at her.

"What'd you go and do?"

Carson grinned back at me. "Moi? I did nothing wrong!" She kissed my nose.

"Oh, I heard, let's seeee... waving at you and grinning like an idiot?" Brenda almost smiled, so she wasn't serious.

"And Lynn called to tell me 'he went and patted his ~head~!' She thought it was really gay but she really couldn't figure out about your dad, him being there."

She counted off two fingers.

"And Teresa Jefferies called and said ~all~ the cheer squad has bets on whether you two are ~gay~! Except her, of course, and she asked me ~what~ can I possibly see in you and I was gonna be lumped in with the freaks. But then she said she thought it was more about that you ~looked~ like and you were positively ~shrunken~ and ~what~ was that about? But then she was back to ~you~," she pointed at Carson, kinda, "doing a ~finger kiss~ she ~swears~ she saw!"

She snarky-looked at Carse. "Way subtle, girl...."

Carson laughed like it was already a joke they had.

I was beginning to think I ~really~ should've stayed awake at the game. Or stayed, anyway. Or maybe not gone....

"But isn't it what we were talking about happening anyways? I mean, not hiding... us? With the GSA and the handouts?"

"Sure, but it's not even the first ~full day~ you're back, already! And day two, total!" Brenda tossed her arms around.

"The GSA is still just a dozen people and most of the school takes a whole term to learn their locker combos and get over calling themselves 'seniors' or whatever!"

I tried to look slow. "So... if we started maybe... necking in the hallway on Monday... you think people will ~still~ be shocked?"

"Yes!" Brenda laughed, so it wasn't really awful.

Carson made a noise and half let go of me to wiggle my chin. I took advantage of her carelessness and twisted around on my good knee so we were nose to nose.

"But she's so... kissable! How can I not?!" I demonstrated and she proved my point.

"Oh, quit it! You two are disgusting!" Brenda sounded disgusted, just like Val.

I quit it enough that she had to kiss my ear.

"She's disgusting. I'm incorrigible."

After she laughed I thought of another one and had to quit again.

"And ~you're~ just jealous."

Brenda made a noise and looked at us like she was gonna laugh, and then smiled instead.

"Busted." She dropped her smile a little bit. So did I.

"But just because you're disgusting."

Carson did something disgusting in my ear and I screamed and Brenda laughed again.

----

I was looking at Carson's face and trying to see what'd caught my eye, or attention or something, when she started to turn red. It just made her more interesting, and I suddenly got it: Her eyes!

"Ohmigod you've got makeup on!"

I tried to get nearer, which would've meant climbing, but she sat back, almost like she was afraid.

"What's wrong?! I just wanna see! You look ~great~!"

She was as red and upset as when she'd first told me about herself, and I couldn't see why. It suddenly scared me, like I'd hurt her, or I wasn't supposed to've seen it, or talk about it.... I stopped and hugged her instead, trying to think, not looking.

Brenda was looking at her like she hadn't noticed either, and still couldn't see... and ~she~ wasn't mad.

"Jerri said nobody'd see." Carson mumbled and turned half away and felt like she was gonna get up so I grabbed her harder.

"Nobody would! I'm six inches away and had to stare and I know what your eyes look like better than ~any~one." I tried to smile for her. Because her eyes were always beautiful.

They were just a little different.

----

They'd been fooling around and Jerri put some clear mascara on her and then convinced her to wear it.

It was soooo subtle, but it did make a difference, like her eyes were a bit bigger, or clearer. Or her lashes were fatter, maybe. Just more ~there~. It was neat to look and know they were different and not be able to see why. You saw her lashes more, and wouldn't ever notice if you didn't know her before.

And I couldn't tell if it was better, but to me her eyes were always pretty.

-

She admitted that her mom hadn't noticed, and Brenda said she never even saw anything either until I saw, but Carson was totally self-conscious with us looking since ~she~ couldn't see her own eyes that clearly since she didn't have her glasses, like usual.

It just occurred to me. "Hey! You don't even know what I look like! You ~never~ wear your glasses!" I laughed and slapped at her and made a face she couldn't see. She made the same face back.

"I can see you perfectly well, princess." She kissed my nose without missing. "I just can't see the really tiny things, like all the veins in your eyes and the warts on your chin."

She poked at my chin and missed. And smiled.

She said Jerri had a magnifying mirror and she could see her eyes in that, barely, but she had to admit she couldn't see the difference except there, but it felt weird, she said.

Except her glasses made it really obvious. They made her eyes big all by themselves. She said.

Really, her glasses hardly did anything ~I~ could see.

-

I thought it must be weird, putting it on, touching your eyes, but she said the weird part was when just once in a while she'd ~feel~ her eyelashes. Then she'd feel like everyone was watching her, and... it was just weird.

But it sounded exciting! She looked great! And a ton of other ideas came to me.

"Are you trying other stuff too? Other makeup and stuff, or clothes?!"

I almost climbed her again. She almost exploded from embarrassment again, too.

"You did! You are! Tell me, please, pleeeeeeease?! C'mon! Please?!"

She tried to turn around, maybe through the sofa, but I hung on and tried to show her reason and calm.

"Oh, PLEEEEESSSSSSE!? I just wanna know, please? You'd be so pretty and it'd be so fun and pleeeeeeeease? ~Pretty~ pleaseplease?"

I stopped begging and Carson stopped freaking when Brenda suddenly started coughing and crying. Her eyes, anyway. Watching someone trying not to laugh her head off was relaxing to Carson, apparently.

Or watching someone laugh at me.

Either way, she stopped trying to get away and hugged me into just listening, even if I wanted to finish climbing her, and not just to look at her eyelashes....

Somewhere in my excitement, I started to REALLY need to kiss her, and her kiss me.

And I lost my mind.

If she hadn't been holding me, and Brenda sitting there laughing, I would have... I don't know. Scared her, for sure. Scared myself.

Instead, I closed my eyes and they probably thought I was laughing or something. I got over the nuts part pretty quickly, but not the thoughts.

-

"What?"

She was calm, happy sounding. I guess my holding her was different, though. Her voice lost all the laughing.

"What is it? Is something wrong?"

I had to whisper it two times so she could hear, and she told Brenda we'd be right back.

-

"Please kiss me?"

She did, and it helped. I could think, anyway. "Carse?"

She hugged me a tiny iota harder.

"I love you, you know?"

She looked at me. "I love you too."

I had to hide in her shoulder.

"I want to... touch you... too...."

"Want?"

"I..." I looked at her and almost stopped, she was so beautiful.

"I want to ~touch~ you."

"I'm...."

She kinda pulled back, but without moving.

"You're beautiful. You are ~so~ beautiful... and... sexy." I didn't have any better words. "When I look at you, or think of you...."

I had thoughts that were feelings and touches, and smells and tastes, not words. Then words that were embarrassing, even though the thoughts were wonderful.

I tried to show her how I felt with a kiss, and tried to convince her I wasn't crazy, like I might be. She kissed back for a second and then stiffened again and pushed me back an inch.

"Don't." She sounded scared, or mad.

I wanted to cry, I was so frustrated, and scared I'd done something bad, or gay, and... scared her.

"No, it's, it's me, I can't..." She was scared. But not at me.

"Why? I...."

"I'm eighteen..."

"That doesn't matter! I'm seventeen! I'm... we're allowed!" I knew that! It was all some idiots talked about last fall.

"Not for us." She looked so sad. "We're both... boys."

"No we're not!"

But I suddenly figured it out. It was different. ~Gay~ sex was against the law below eighteen. And they'd say she was a boy... and....

All my energy and excitement and... lust... suddenly turned into pain.

----

Dad came up. He smelled like car wax or something, but all I knew is he smelled like that, and Carson... we couldn't do ~anything~ or she'd, she could be arrested for child molesting and she was automatically guilty because people'd find out and it'd ruin her life....

And all be my fault.

----

I guess Dad and her talked, but she went out after a while, and he stayed with me.

"Hey, there."

I nodded or something. I felt like an idiot.

I wanted her to have sex and she... she wasn't.... She couldn't. Not with me. And besides....

And now Dad knew.

"Hey." Dad jiggled me a little and rubbed my back.

I nodded, but I stayed hidden in my pillow and I couldn't say anything. It was too embarrassing and too... maybe too much for Carson, too private for her. I might've already gotten her in trouble.

"It's not that terrible."

I looked up. It was, but I didn't even know what he was talking about.

"It's not that terrible that you can't have sex with Carson right now."

I stared. That he knew. And that he'd say that, like it was... just... a ~thing~.

"You're not ready."

-

He said I was too immature. Not Carson. Not that she was like a boy, down there. Not my age, or the law. Not sex.

Me.

He said that Carson wasn't the problem, any way. Or me being seventeen.

It was that I had to grow up more. He didn't say it that way. I forget what he said. Stuff about being too emotional to make a good decision. Or about love and responsibility. And he said me being seventeen wasn't the problem and kissing and hugging and that stuff was perfectly legal.

He said even if we had sex, it was legal. That him and Mom, that they wouldn't ever make a complaint, and that was the law where we were, that the police wouldn't.

But he still said they wanted me to wait. He said being in love wasn't something that would go away, and we could wait.

-

He even said it would be better, every day.

----

Dad went downstairs and asked her to come back up.

I tried to look mature. Or less stupid. I was sick of laying down, or having my stupid leg be the stupid reason for everything. Or my age. Or sex.

She closed the door and sat beside me and then pulled me over so I didn't have to sit anyway, just be with her.

-

We both said about ten things at the same time.

"Sorry thank you and I'd ~love~ to I wanted everything make love with you I know but it doesn't matter but we have to wait I'm just I know but ~I'm~ not ready and I don't want to get you in trouble you too or us and I... I so want it to be right and I'm sorry I'm sorry... "

"I love you so much."

"I love you."

I kissed her to show her how, right then, and even with the shivery feeling, I just held her, after.

I felt her warm skin, totally different than mine. How it was...

Like I dreamed it.

----

End of Part 23