Little Pink Pills

Part Nine, by Michelle Wilder

I had been crying and crying for weeks
How'd I survive when I could barely speak?
Barely eat, on my knees

But that's the moment you came to me
I don't know what your love has done to me
Think I'm invincible
I see through the me I used to be

(Superhuman by James Fauntleroy, Warren Felder)

(Revised and reposted)

----

Even though the doctors said I'd be as good as new, what they ~meant~ was I'd walk without a limp.

If I worked really, really, ~really~ hard at it.

And that was all.

----

Sedative again. But Mom said it was just so I could relax, not because I was crazy, and ~anyone~ would be upset.

They left us alone on the deck after Dad dug the lounger cushions back out from storage, and we got to sit together and talk. Carson and me.

----

Something woke me up and Carson was holding me in her sleep and it was perfect. There was tree leaf-noise in the breeze and still the smell of paint, and it was cool but we were warm. The sun was really low and the house across the lane had a golden window where it reflected the sky.

And Carse was holding me, like I was the girl.

It wasn't ever going to be better. Ever. I should just....

-

That wasn't right.

----

I was afraid to tell Carson 'cause she'd feel guilty or something, but I had to tell Mom and Dad as fast as I could because I had a thought that I should hide it, not tell them....

How better it would be if I just died.

Right then. As fast as I could.

It scared me more than anything in my whole life had ever before, even seeing my leg, even hearing 'amputate.'

How much I wanted to. Never be afraid or hurt any more.

Never feel better. Never feel the same.

----

I didn't want one of the sedative pills because I wondered if the one I took before was part of it, but I felt better anyway, and I had to tell Carson because she was half-freaking about me, about the way I'd gotten away from her....

It must've seemed like... her. But I was just running to Mom and Dad and after I told her that, she understood and kissed me better, a little peck.

"It's okay."

----

I was never going to play football again. Maybe never run.

And it wasn't over, yet.

----

Mom said she was depressed once, after Val was born, maybe even before, but she took a drug and talked to a counselor and she'd been better ever since.

She said the drug never made her feel weird and she couldn't even tell she was taking it or feel it, but one day she was just better. She said she had to notice, like 'Oh... I guess I'm getting better!'

-

I ran the stuff we were talking about and the stuff I was thinking and not saying, together. Put it together.

"How come I'm-" I almost asked a truly dumb question out loud.

"How come you're depressed?" Or maybe I did. I nodded.

Mom held my hand more and Carson held the rest of me more. Mom talked pretty quietly, serious.

"Maybe because you were so hurt, or scared, or because of all the time you were in the hospital, or the drugs you were given. Maybe you're like I was, and didn't even know you were, before, but it's just worse now." She squeezed my hand.

"Or even just all the changes. Even good change is hard, and you've had some really big things happening to you."

Mom talked like she'd studied it, and I guess she'd be a bit of an expert.

"But...." I squirmed a bit against Carson, and tried to look at her far enough away for her to see me.

-

I had the awful idea that falling in love might be a 'good change,' and stressful, and make me depressed. But... it didn't make any sense that feeling like that and feeling like ~that~ could be from the same thing.

I'd felt like killing myself so suddenly, and been so afraid almost as fast. Faster.

Like two feelings from the same thing, maybe.

-

A saying came into my head. Falling head over heels.

----

Mom and Dad said I had to see a shrink right away, not just before school. Carson said I did too. When Val got home and they told her, she said I had to too.

----

All the rest of that evening, even if everyone was a bit down, I told them that I really wasn't depressed, just nervous at how it happened.

They believed me and all, I think, but Carson was clingy and I was worse.

----

After I took off the cast for my bath, even though it ~really~ ached to do it, standing up, I balanced on the scale. I was thirty-eight pounds less than I was before.

After she helped me sit in the tub and washed around my incisions and down by my foot, I told Val. She looked all sad.

She said she out-weighed me by eleven pounds. She left after she made sure I was okay. And said nothing was wrong.

-

Dad helped me out of the tub because Val hadn't left me dry towels close enough to reach. And I couldn't get up wet, or holding the soaked one that I wore in, even with help. Or put it on again, wet.

-

I thought she was mad at me, but after I dried she made Mom let me sleep with her again and she dried my hair and then held me until I can't remember.

And she gave me her comfiest, warmest, softest nightie, too.

She told me.

----

There wasn't any kind of counseling on a Sunday except maybe church stuff, but we weren't religious.

Mom found a phone-in place that was for people who were worse than I ever was but they gave her all sorts of advice and the good part was that Carson was supposed to stay with me when she came over, or her and whoever, but I wasn't supposed to be alone.

They talked to me too, the man on the phone, and he said I had to listen to Mom and Carson and everyone, and he made me promise to, like "I ~promise~ to...."

----

Carson's parents came over with her (to do the leash thing she whispered) and 'meet' with Mom and Dad, and me too, I guess, even if they've known me for years and Mom and Dad too, kinda.

But it was more about us being an item.

----

After we all were social and too quiet for a while, Mom made us go up to Val's room and she said to the Donners that it was neutral territory or something like that. More than my room, anyway. And not to spy on them.

Val punched my arm for some reason, even though she was the spy in the family. Not hard, but she had to turn around to do it.

-

Carson brought in one of the comfy den chairs that were still all in my room and when we were settled on her bed, Val plopped in the chair and put her feet up and smiled as if yesterday and the morning hadn't even happened.

Carson leaned back even more on the headboard and I curled up around her and to tell the truth, I didn't feel like any kind of depression had ever happened either.

Her arm around my back felt like heaven and... I could hear her heart.

I started to cry just because it really all ~was~ so perfect.

-

They thought that it wasn't normal or healthy to cry when I felt perfect, and Val told Mom and Dad, and Carson's too I guess, after she checked about ten times that Carson was okay with me.

I realized they were going to make her go away, or me go into the hospital again, the psych ward or something, and then I cried for real.

Because I was afraid. Because I knew they were right.

I kept flickering back and forth to how death would be... an answer, maybe. I didn't even know to what, when I felt so safe.

-

No, I didn't feel safe at all.

----

Mom and Dad and Carson took me to the hospital in Dad's car, my leg on Mom's lap, and the others came... in some other car, I guess. I cried when I could get the energy, and just shivered when I wore out.

-

I was too afraid to go into the emergency waiting room so Carson sat with me in the car while Mom and Dad went in to do whatever. Commit me.

After about fifteen seconds, it felt like, they came out and then drove us around to another door and we all got out with Carson holding me and we all went in.

And I was committed. Just me.

Carson was still there. She saw.

----

It was a regular ward, not a psychiatric one. A regular kid's ward anyway. Pediatric.

I was put in a private room that looked right out at the nurse's station. And the doctor who signed me in and the nurses all said the only way I wouldn't have to be strapped down in the bed was if I was never alone. Suicide watch, but they called it "making sure I felt safe."

-

They had trouble with my IV, finding a vein, and after they made a few holes that went nowhere, they ended up putting it in the back of my right hand, almost right in the wrist, and it stung like fire. Then they taped my hand and arm to a plastic board so I wouldn't bend it and stab myself. Worse.

Everything kept getting worse.

----

Mom and Dad said the doctor I'd seen before was coming in soon.

And they told me the ~only~ reason we were at the hospital was because they loved me so much they didn't want to take a single, tiny chance, and there wasn't any other counseling on a Sunday, and NOT because I was crazy.

Even while they talked, all I could think of was how bad the night would be, and the next day, and everything forever after that wasn't even possible to imagine. Carson wasn't there, then.

Her parents always seemed nice, but they saw, and they'd hate me, and I was crazy.... They'd had a hard time with Carson, and I was crazy. They'd never let her near me again. Like before.

-

Everyone would be sad. But I was crazy, so not too sad. Carson would be better off.

I couldn't say the end, but I knew what it was.

----

Everyone did stay a while. After they came in for a minute, Carson's parents had to wait somewhere else because there wasn't room, but they were somewhere.

Carson stayed a little longer.

Then they all left. Mom and Dad and Val kissed my forehead. Carson too. I noticed it was my forehead. My lips weren't good anymore. They left all together.

----

The doctor from before came and injected a drug in my IV, like before, like usual. He said what it was, like I'd understand. He just talked.

----

He made me talk, and I can't remember much.

About tomorrow and the next day.

What I was imagining. What were the words. Or what I was thinking when I'd started to cry in the morning, or with Carson. He asked me if I knew I was skinny and I tried to make him go away. He asked me if I wanted to die and I cried, at him, how he was hurting me.

Or I might have just cried at everything.

----

When I woke up there was another bed in the room and Mom was right beside me, asleep.

I was tied down, but just my arm, with the IV. And the other one. The other arm without the IV. I thought that that made sense. There was big clear bag on the IV, dripping pretty fast.

I wasn't really locked up, either... just velcro. Easy velcro.

There were flowers on the little dresser and more on the eating table I could see from the hall light.

It wasn't even light out. I wasn't really bright either.

-

I was careful, but I rattled the bed a little when I tried to sit up because I couldn't reach the button. The switch thing. The caller.

Mom woke up with a jerk but smiled at me right away.

"How are you, baby?" Her face got a little less happy when she said that, I guess because I wasn't a baby, but I understood.

"M'm ber'r." Annnnnd my tongue didn't work. I made a face to fix it.

-

We had to be careful of the stupid drip line, but she hugged me hard enough to make us both happier.

----

We talked, just about stuff, until a nurse came in to check on me and took off the straps after she told me about five times to be careful, and gave me two pills that she said were a painkiller for my leg, even though it didn't hurt really, and the other one was for mild anxiety or something, and she told us that there was another bunch of flowers for me at the nurses' station. She put on a new IV bag too and tut-tutted about my hand, or something about the holes on my hands and arms that were huge bruises by then. On my hand, I hadn't even noticed that the needle was in a different place again. Still my hand, but a different vein.

Mom went to get the flowers after the nurse said it was okay and she'd wait with me and she smiled at me totally weirdly until Mom came back with a big bouquet and a balloon with a picture of a little girl in a funny dress and hat that said Strawberry Shortcake, and then ~I~ smiled my head off.

I made Mom make sure Carson wasn't in the hospital and she had to tell me she was ~sure~ she wasn't and would be home getting ready for school before I let her tie the balloon to the bed rail instead of me holding it, close enough that I could get it in a few seconds. When I touched the ribbon string, it bounced and turned and I thought of her. Carson.

The nurse thought I was nuts, I bet, but then, that's why I was there, and she wouldn't let Mom tie it to my free wrist which would've solved it anyway. But she said it'd get in the way, even if they'd already glued a stupid paper bracelet there and she never said ~that~ got in the way!

-

The card said Carson had to go to school and she'd be back about three-thirty because she was gonna skip practice. And she loved me.

I read it again. She said she loved me. 'I love you'

The flowers were from Carson's parents and Jerri. And the balloon was just from her. Carson. And she still loved me.

I didn't show Mom the card even though she kept asking whenever I looked at it.

There wasn't anyplace in the stupid nightgown thing for her card. I put it under my pillow.

Then I just held it.

'I love you'

-

We talked some more, just not about the card. A lot more.

Dad and Val had had to go to school and work too, and they told her to tell me they loved me. And the Donners all said I had to get better too.

She said they all waited until after ten before they had to leave, before they made Carson go home. That they hadn't left, they hadn't gone away. And I was asleep before nine and fell asleep on the doctor, she said.

I almost remembered what Dr. Wilkinson talked about with me and told Mom what I could, about how I was so afraid that nothing was ever going to be for sure again, and that I had to, or that I was trying to feel everything 'cause I thought I never would again. At least, that was what I'd told him, or he'd said I said, or something like that.

That I felt like everything was the last time.

And he said I was for sure depressed about my leg and all that stuff and he made me tell him more about Carson and me, and I couldn't remember a whole lot after that, but that he wasn't mad.

I couldn't remember why I remembered that I thought he'd be mad. Or if I thought that then, or just then....

Mom hardly talked, really, but we talked. I couldn't stop. I remembered he said something about me starving, too. He asked about it, anyway.

We talked a long time.

----

A lady came around seven with breakfast with scrambled eggs and toast and applesauce and about a ~dozen~ glasses! Milk, and hot water in a little jug and orange and apple juice and a pitcher of ice water and she joked that I must be very thirsty and Mom told her I was dehydrated.

I hadn't even known that.

After the lady left Mom watched me pick at it and kinda suggested I have more, but it wasn't very good and I wasn't very hungry either. I drank the milk and some juice and felt too full of liquid.

It was weird to use the wrong hand, and that made it even less... appetizing, I guess.

-

Mom kept trying to suggest stuff, I guess to make me eat, like "would you like some ketchup on the eggs?" and I started to feel scared and couldn't even look at it any more. I almost spilled some of the juice and everything, pushing it away.

I said I had to go to the the bathroom and Mom asked if I needed help and I had to think.

She pressed the call button.

It was too complicated with the line and my crutches and I really just wanted to ask how, but a nurse came, a really big tall man, and he wasn't happy that I hadn't eaten everything either.

He didn't say that, but I could tell. He smiled and everything, but I could tell. Mom didn't say she was mad, either.

-

He said Mom should wait out in the hall and closed the door and pulled the curtain past the door too and helped me off the bed by lifting me up under my shoulders and good leg and then into the bathroom, kinda hug-carrying me because I was wobbly and couldn't hold my crutches right. Or the IV thing. I couldn't hold my right one at all, I guess. My crutch.

He said I had to leave the door open when I went and I had to sit (as if I could stand) and after he helped me down, he watched. Then he helped me get the stupid gown up out of the way. ~Then~ he watched.

-

The tub/shower thing was too close for my leg and I had to almost sit sideways. And use my left hand, 'cause the IV was in my right one. And the board thing.

Everything was awkward, especially him watching, even if he wasn't, really. I dropped the gown on the right side again and then the left... and he helped again and I complained that a ~regular~ nightie would be way better. And warmer. And feel nicer. And... well, they didn't have pockets, either....

I took a long time just to start and tried to look at the tub thing and the wall, and the floor.

Then, past the nurse, I saw Carson's balloon... and could relax, I guess. Start, anyway.

He noticed me and looked too and then smiled really big at me and pointed at his shoulder.

"Hey, look!"

His top, or smock, or whatever you call a yellow scrub shirt if it has different TV cartoons all over it... one of them was Strawberry Shortcake! Almost the exact same picture!

I had an easier time after that.

-

I had a really embarrassing problem finishing. I couldn't hold the toilet paper right in the wrong hand, or use it right. Or even balance. I almost fell off.

The nurse guy just smiled and made little jokes about his shirt and all the pictures and did the same washcloths thing as Mom did before when I was really sick, and he made it okay the same, after I was scared.

-

He carried me back to bed after, too. Or carried me, anyway. I don't remember where. But I ended up in bed. And I remember him carrying me.

----

I woke up and Mom was there and right away she buzzed the buzzer button, and after only a few seconds the same nurse man came back to change my bandage on my leg. Mom said he'd told her to call him so I could be awake. Or when I was.

Mom said she was going to go for a coffee and the nurse said she should wait outside if she came back before he was done. She gave me a little hug and he closed the door for her.

-

I don't think I'd said a single word since waking.

He pulled the curtain closed again.

I was a bit embarrassed with him because of the bathroom and didn't say anything and just watched.

He didn't seem to mind, and was really cheery and told me all along what he was gonna do and what he was doing, and asked if it was okay, like "Now I'm gonna lift here and you tell me if I'm going too fast, okay?"

He had a push cart thing with all sorts of bandage stuff. He undid the velcro on my cast, made sure my leg was all supported on pillows, and then lifted it in one hand and arm, almost like it was a baby, and slid the cast part down and around and off and then really slowly, carefully, put my leg down and slowwwwly peeled the bandage off.

He stood up straight and stared at it.

"Wow, that's a ~baaad~ one! What'd you do, lose a fight with an alligator or something?!"

I was surprised he'd say anything like that. I thought nurses had to always make it seem like it was nothing, or say it'd be okay. They had, before, even when they lied.

"I, um, had a, a, an... accident... a broken leg, and got, um, it got infected...."

I was too shy to look at him and looked at Carson's balloon instead, but it was right in front of him, or nearly, between, and suddenly it was all too hard....

"Here... hold this out of the way for me, okay?" He smiled at me really gently. I mean, like he was trying not to look like a big man or something, and took the ribbon and held it towards me and I took it even though it was still tied to the rail, and it came down.

I think I sort of hid behind it while he tickled at my leg.

It didn't even hurt any more to change the gauze. Except for a few deep scabs and the last stitches, all the incisions were healed over. Mom and Dad changed the bandages all the time but I couldn't do a sit-up enough to.

He soaked a cloth and little swabs that he dipped in warm water and made tiny, little cleaning touches and then he took towels and patted it all, and then a swab and cream and warned me it might sting or be cold, and touched all the open parts and it was just cool, but he didn't hurt. Then he folded gauze and put it down so I could hardly feel it and taped it on almost as soft.

Like he wouldn't hurt me, ever. Like he didn't even know me, and he tried so hard....

"There, all nice and clean again." He smiled, I could tell, but I was afraid to look. He put his hand on my leg, on the bandage, but so it didn't press on the cut.

"Hey there, are you okay?"

It was way too much.

-

He asked if it was alright if he hugged me, and then after I couldn't talk, asked if I could nod or shake my head.

He was bigger than Carson, or Dad, or anyone who'd ever held me, and didn't do it as hard. He still made it better.

-

He asked why I was so upset and I told him Mom was afraid because I couldn't eat breakfast and he said I'd still made a pretty big dent in it....

-

He told me they were ~allowed~ to give hugs and stuff. I told him they never did when I'd been there before and he said that was stupid and he bet I'd been pretty lonely.

I started to bawl.

----

Paul, his name tag said Paul, buzzed and got another nurse to come with another breakfast. Toast and juice, anyway. A lady came after with more.

-

He spread applesauce on a piece of toast and held it and I thought I had to and took a bite and he wiped my chin with the napkin and I laughed because there wasn't anything on it, and then he fed me the rest of the piece and spread the other half and I ate that one too.

He held up forkful after forkful of the scrambled eggs for me and I ate it all. And all the milk and some more apple juice he got more of, or called for, anyway. The same nurse brought it and he told her I was an apple monster, like I was a little kid.

-

Between bites and sips he talked with me for about a half hour, after he'd asked me if I wanted to. He said the other nurse would tell Mom I was okay.

We didn't talk about depression stuff like Dr. Wilkinson, more about what the hospital was like the last times, like about the food and my doctors and the nurses and the pain medicine pump I'd had and all that. Even about how I got the infection, or how it happened.

What happened.

His name was Paul Kirby. His name tag had a picture of Dora the Explorer. He said there weren't ~any~ good boy tags except Spongebob and that was taken by a guy named Bob, and he didn't look ~anything~ like Spongebob! Even if he did sound the same....

And Paul said Dora was more like him anyway. And who wanted to be a ~SAVE-UM~!? Some nurse in the hall said "Hey!" and a kid laughed.

-

He asked about my balloon and I was afraid to tell him and then thought that was... stupid.

He was like, like anything I said would be okay. I don't know why, but maybe his hug had really made me trust him. I was still only able to whisper it, and I hid.

"My girlfriend gave it to me... she bought it for me last night... and it was here this morning, outside." I peeked to see if he would do anything.

He smiled. "She must like you a lot."

That made me smile too. "Yeah." I touched the ribbon so it'd move and thought about her. Her card. I liked her a lot too.

"Is she the tall girl the nurse from last night told me about?"

I looked at him like he was confused.

"She said there was a tall, strong girl who pretty well bugged her to death about you." He smiled like anything I said would be okay.

I think my eyes closed all by themselves. A tall, strong girl. I leaked a tear and nodded.

"That's Carson. She's transsexual." I barely whispered it.

I couldn't look at him, or even the balloon, and I felt kinda light-headed. I'd never told anyone but Val and Mom and Dad, but I wanted her to be okay to visit me. And I wanted to talk to Paul. Not lie.

"And she's your girlfriend?" He didn't move, but like it was normal, not like he was tense. I really listened hard.

I finally nodded. "Yeah." I could still only whisper, but it felt good to say that.

"Cool."

I had to listen, and then think about what he said, and then how he'd said it. Like, cool.

I peeked at him and he was smiling the same way, except he took a hankie and wiped my eyes.

"Still shy about having a girlfriend?" He changed to a wider smile and winked. I stared at him.

"Of course, here on the ward you have to observe the rules about girlfriends and keep your smooching to your room." He fake-got-serious.

"We don't want the kids getting ideas and then have everyone kissing and hugging and dancing all over the place. They're supposed to be at least a ~little~ bit sick!" He poked my leg where there wasn't any stuff. It didn't hurt at all.

"It's very contagious, the icky kissing stuff. We have to keep it under strict control, being as we're a hospital and all."

I must have still looked weird, but I was getting it. Kids' ward.

"I'm probably already infected." I smiled as much as I could manage.

"Oh... yeah... hmmmumm." He stood up more and popped his finger at my balloon.

"Well, I guess it'd be okay for you to kiss ~her~ then." He picked up my cast and opened the straps and wiped the inside with a new cloth. I'd forgotten it was even off.

"And hugging will ~probably~ be okay tooooo...."

He looked sternly at me as he eased it under and around my leg. "But ~only~ your friends and family and your girlfriend. Understood?"

I knew he was treating me like a five-year old, but right then I felt like it was perfect. "Okay! Carson and Mom and Dad and Val and..."

He looked confused.

"My big sister Valerie."

He smiled again and barely tightened the mesh and straps. Or did it so it didn't pinch. He was so careful it was hard to tell.

"Okay. I'll tell all the other nurses and any doctors who wander onto the floor. Hugs and kisses from all of them, but ~no~ dancing, or at least mostly in your room." He reached down like a handshake and I shook back with my left hand.

"And any other kids in here, you can only hold hands or hug, okay? No kissing... except on the top of the head. Or elbows." He packed up some stuff he'd opened and put the wet cloths and stuff in a pail in the bathroom, talking all along.

"If you REALLY need a bigger kiss, I guess one or two are okay with the other kids on the ward, but just one or two... cheeks and noses only! Don't make Carson jealous!"

He winked at me and rolled the tray thing to the end of my bed.

"Oh, and of course, the nurses are quite immune. We're all completely vaccinated, you know."

-

I spread the infection a little farther and he rubbed my back.

----

"Mom, this is Paul!" I sort of rushed to introduce them since she rushed into the doorway when he opened it. He stopped and smiled at me, and then her, and shook her hand.

She said something like "Oh...." and Paul smiled at her and then me.

"Pleased to meet you, Mommy. I've just been talking with your son about how to make the hospital a better place to stay." He winked back at me and I guess I beamed.

"He's given me quite a few good ideas... infection control and patient, um, feedback." He looked at his watch.

"Oh darn! He's due for a hug right about now and I'm afraid I've gotten behind on my rounds... could you please see to it? He knows how." He gave me a little salute and stepped out, pushing the cart.

Mom looked at the door, or the hallway outside, I guess. I smiled my head off at her and gave the universal sign.

----

We talked more, and I think I was remembering all sorts of things, like from school last year, and a lot from the summer, from the spring, mostly about Carson, but about Brenda and Valerie and a few times when we all went out, like once to a movie that had a blackout and we never even saw the end, and one time to the pool and Brenda and Valerie and Jason and a bunch of Heather's friends and some of Val's did a kind of diving contest even though they were mostly pretty awful, but we didn't tell them. That was the summer before, I thought. It was warm, anyway....

Paul brought us both a muffin and a small can of milkshake stuff for me just then and said he'd have to come back to hear the whole story and laughed at me and even hugged me before he left.

-

Dad came in when Mom was still buttering. The muffins.

"Hi, Dad!" I was going to tell Mom he was there and then caught myself because she probably knew. But there was other stuff....

"Paul brought us muffins and there's only two but you can have half of mine and Carson got me this balloon and her mom and dad and Jerri, do you know Jerri..? Anyway, they got those flowers!" I looked at the other flowers and wondered where they came from? It took a second to remember.

He stopped saying whatever he was going to, but smiled even bigger. He came over and gave me a hug too, and a kiss on the head. "Who's Paul?"

"Paul's my nurse! Well... he's ~a~ nurse, but he's mine too. He's really nice and he says the night nurses were looking at Carson and said she's tall and strong!"

I smiled how right they were and then I looked at her balloon again and wiggled the ribbon so it bounced and turned more so I could see her. Strawberry Shortcake.

"He's a little high." Mom sounded weird.

"What?" I looked, but she was just buttering and then Daddy was sitting by my bed and laughing. "What?"

They didn't say anything what and Mommy started laughing too.

"What!?"

She was taking a long time, and I watched the butter and little plastic knife. I was suddenly really hungry.

----

I only could eat half a muffin anyway and was full, 'cause I had some milkshake too, but it was good. I sucked my fingers clean so I wouldn't get her balloon dirty, and watched it shine.

Daddy was talking.

"What?"

He smiled at me. "I said I have to get back to work, but I'm glad to see you're so happy this morning."

I guess I looked a lot less happy because he gave me a long, strong hug and whispered that he loved me very much and he'd be back at suppertime.

Even though he smiled and kissed me goodbye, he wasn't happy, I could tell, and I cried a while after. Mommy made it better, though.

-

I think I was high.

----

Dr. Wilkinson came with Paul just before lunch and Paul sat with me and we talked about Carson while Mom talked in the doorway with the doctor. He gave me a little hug before he left, too. Paul did.

-

Only Dr. Wilkinson came in, and he shut the door.

I think I looked at the door instead of him. It almost took that long to understand. Then I looked at my leg, or the bump of my leg. And at where the ribbon was tied to the railing. I couldn't remember if he knew about Carson. I didn't know if I wanted him to.

He checked my hand but didn't put anything in my IV and I think the relaxing stuff was still working, so when we talked it was different. I even had a hard time remembering what he asked and had to get him to explain some stuff. Words.

-

He knew about Carson and pretty well everything that'd happened, or at least what happened. The things. Not why. I said that, once, when he got it wrong.

He said that's why I was in the hospital, so we could figure out why, and then fix it.

I missed some stuff thinking about what he meant by fix. What ~fix~ meant. Fix what?

He asked me about feelings, like the things that went with the bad feelings I'd had, like what I was thinking, and doing, and what my body felt like.

He asked about all sorts of stuff, but he asked most about my body, and stuff like that. What I thought it looked like. What I felt like about my body. Even if I hated it or liked it. He said some stuff about clothes and Val's nighties, too, but he said mine.

He said I was so skinny I was sick, and that was a big part of it. Being in the hospital. He asked about eating, a lot. Or not eating, anyway.

-

A new lady knocked and brought in lunch and Dr. Wilkinson said Mom could come in too and he talked to us both while I ate. I really just drank. Some kinda smoothie. And some corn. The toast didn't look as good as with Paul and I wondered if they still had any applesauce. Or if I could ask.

The doctor asked Mom some of the same stuff he'd asked me, but about me, and about how she saw everything. Then he changed his voice and I listened more.

"How do you feel about having a son who is homosexual?"

I looked at Mom. I remembered that Daddy was okay and he said she was too. I thought she said so too... I couldn't exactly remember, or if that was about Carson.

I was gay... she knew that. I thought, anyway....

Mom looked confused for a second. Then Dr. Wilkinson kept talking, like at her, but he was looking right at me.

"I understand he's dating a boy, a Carson...?"

"!?" I was so mad I jerked, or tried to get up, and my food tray went all over the bed and my legs.

"She's a GIRL!! And you can't... you can't... call her... a BOY! It... it ~HURTS~ her..."

I started to choke and he stood up and I didn't want him to ~touch~ me!

"NO!"

I jerked away from him, half off the bed before Mom caught me.

"Sh-sh.... She w-wanted to... to, to... to d-diii-ee!"

----

I hated Dr. Wilkinson.

He never even thought anything was bad or Carson was a boy and Mommy was crying and I was sobbing and he was in the hall probably making Paul cry.

I hated him.

Mom stopped before I did and then she finally got me to stop. Then ~he~ came back in, but with Paul. He sat down and apologized.

"I'm very sorry I did that, really. I wish I hadn't and I will ~never~ hurt your friend by calling her a boy...."

He went on like that for about a minute. I finally believed him.

I still hated him.

----

A lot of the littler kids on the floor came and visited after lunch, mostly to say hi, but also to see what all the crying and stuff at lunch was, too.

It's boring in the hospital and they wandered around in the halls a lot. Well, I guess they played a lot, too; there was a play room across the hall from my room and we could hear them.

The older ones didn't as much. None my age came by, anyway.

Anyway, they saw my balloon too and came in for it and then they saw my leg and some of them asked about it, but I guess it was enough that they didn't ask about why I was really there. A couple said they were sorry I'd been crying and lots of them were nice and promised to visit more and hoped I felt better, but Mom stayed all the time and I think it kinda stifled what we could talk about.

Almost all of them had normal pajamas and nighties and regular clothes, too.

----

Carson came in the afternoon, at ten minutes to four, and Mom told her all the rules that took forever (don't leave me alone, call if needed, there's the button).

Then she hugged me right off the bed and kissed me.

Paul was wonderful, lunch was terrible, afternoon was okay, then good, and then... perfect. Or she was, anyway.

----

"Carse?"

"Mmm?" She nodded so I could feel. Sitting together was hard on a hospital bed.

"I really love you."

She nodded again. "I really love you too."

I breathed her smell a while. Then I asked.

"Please don't... if you ever want to hurt yourself... I mean, like before, and like I was... feeling... please, ~please~ tell me?"

I looked up at her, too close for her to see clearly, but I had to be touching her. "Please?"

She looked at me and nodded, so her nose touched my cheek. And looked sad. "I promise. I'll tell you and...." She kissed me, like a promise.

"I promise."

I kissed her back even harder.

"I promise too."

----

Val had driven over with her, and she came in when Mom came back. I would've made her give me a hug but she did anyway, around the IV, and a kiss on the cheek too. With Carson holding onto my hand because I decided I didn't want to let her go even if she had to sit on a chair.

I figured out that I looked terrible when Valerie looked at me like I looked terrible, so I asked Mom to ask and she went to get Paul to help me into the bathroom. I couldn't be alone, and I didn't want them to go with me because I needed to pee really bad too as soon as I thought of the bathroom.

-

When Paul and Mom finally came back and I introduced him to Carson, he smiled all over the place and took her hand and said she was even prettier than I'd said. She blushed and looked at me. And the floor, more. And me. And the floor. She was red both ways and I thought she looked even prettier, like Paul said.

Paul smiled at both of us and kept hold of her hand.

Mom and Val started to giggle too and Paul acted all flustered and finally let her hand go and said stuff like, 'Oh! Where's my manners!' and I introduced him to Val and he said he knew she was my sister from the resemblance, and she was very pretty, too.

I knew he wouldn't embarrass me, but I think he liked making everyone else turn red.

----

When we got into the bathroom, he closed the door and turned on the tap for a little noise.

"She's a very pretty girl." He talked quietly so they wouldn't hear, and held my IV thing. (It was to help re-hydrate me and give me minerals and stuff, apparently.)

"Yeah, she is." I grinned at him. "She thinks she isn't, but she is."

"All the really beautiful ones don't believe it."

I couldn't even talk after he said that.

It was so perfect I had to concentrate and remember so I could tell it to her later.

-

End of Part 9