The Redemption of Jamie Sarah Potter
-1-
Confession

I took a deep breath as I knelt down in front of the altar of St. Mary's Episcopal Church. Mass was due to start in thirty minutes. And Fr. Bell was now hearing confessions. Now, normally I don't go to confession, I find it silly, a waste of time, and sometimes down right degrading. Like why am I going to wreck my brain looking for a 'sin' to confess to a forty something year old man hiding behind a wooden screen? But there was something on my mind.

See I'm a prefect at my school. And as a prefect I'm supposed to do things to take pressure off the staff. Simple stuff, like check the hallways for roaming students, check the bathrooms, help new students find their way around school, check hall passes and normal stuff like that. But two days ago I'd been forced to give a caning. A caning to somebody who had taken to defending a girl I consider my sister.

His name had been James Donald Bell, though I had always known him as Daisy. Daisy was my cousin, and he and I had shared the same first name before I became 'Jamie' and I expected him to be like me. That to  say transgender though he might have been struggling to come to terms with it. I'd been forced to cane him, because otherwise I would have been forced to give up my position as a prefect and would lose my spot on the cheerleading squad.

And that was a big deal for me, because before I became 'Jamie' I'd been a loner, I'd been an outsider, I'd never been popular. And since becoming 'Jamie' I'd not only gained a loving boyfriend, a group of loyal friends, but I'd also sky rocket up the social ladder at school. I was now one of the 'Cool Kids' that to say people wanted to around me.

So I'd guarded my social position and in the end. That had cost me, sure the Head had patted me on the shoulder and said I had something good, that I had upheld the rules, that she was proud of me. But then again I had reduced a frail boy to a crying mess. I'd beaten him within a inch of his life. The same had been done to me only a year or so ago. And in short I could not live with myself.

I'd thought becoming a prefect would have helped me defend the weak, the outcast and become something of a role-model for the other students. But when I'd been put to the test, instead of breaking up fight myself I'd gone to get help. And while I'd gone to fetch the teacher. Daisy had decided the best course of action was to step into the fray himself. For his effort he had been given one hell of a beat down and was sentenced to be canned.

And it had fallen to me to carry out that canning.

“Jamie.” A voice called and there in the doorway of the wooden Confessional. St. Mary's Episcopal Church was an 'Anglo-Catholic' church. Meaning it more toward the Roman Catholic side of things than most Episcopal Churches in the south. For example,

Instead of there being a plain cross hanging above the altar, there was a crucifix, we called our services 'Mass' instead of just normal service. True the namesake of the parish, the Rosary was often prayed during the month of May and October. Often before a small icon of Mary. And most stunning of all we had an old fashioned wooden Confessional tucked into a used corner of the church. And one last detail, our Masses were often chanted and sung. At this point I think we were more Catholic than the Catholics across the street.
“I have time for one more before I must get ready for Mass.” Fr. Bell said as he peered toward me. “Are you ready to make your confession?” He asked as he peered toward me.

I nodded my head and as I lifted myself from the kneeler I made the sign of the cross in front of me and muttered a prayer. Funny, I'd been a member of this church for all sixteen years of my life, going on seventeen. It was just starting to dawn on me.

Generations of Potters had worshiped in this church, had gotten married in this church. Had been baptized in this church, had been confirmed in this church. And many of them were now buried in the small plot that was located behind the church. The church was also rumored to be haunted, having been used as a make-shift field hospital by the Confederate Army during the 'Battle of Benton' and later during 'The Battle of Benton Road.'.

All of these thoughts swirled through my mind as I stepped into the confessional booth and knelt down and took a deep breath. After a few seconds of silence, breathing space for me to collect my thoughts and pull myself together I started to recite the form that was found in the Book of Common Prayer. The prayer book used by Anglicans across the world.

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your loving kindness; in your great compassion blot out my offenses. Wash me through and through from my wickedness and cleanse me from my sins. For I know my transgressions only too well and my sin is ever before me. Holy God, Holy and Mighty, Holy Immortal One, have mercy upon me. Pray for me, a sinner.”

Fr. Bell then paused and took a deep breath and in a gentle, kind, loving yet very pastoral tone of voice said through the screen.

“May God in his love enlighten your heart, that you may remember in truth all of your sins and his unfailing mercy.”

“Amen.” I said, taking a deep breath.

“Here the word of God to all who truly go to him. 'Come to me, all ye that travail and are heavy laden, and I will refresh you.' and 'God so loved the world, that he gave his only-begotten Son, to the end that all that believe in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.' and finally 'This is a true saying, and worthy of all men to be received, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners.' and finally 'If any man sin, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous; and he is the perfect offering for our sons, and not only ours, but for the sins of the whole word.”

Fr. Bell paused and then continued.

“Now, in the presence of Christ, and of me, his minister, confess your sins with a humble and obedient heart to Almighty God, our Creature and our Redeemer.”

I took a deep breath. It was now time for me to face the music. And so gathering my courage I decided to push ahead. I'd come this far. There was no sense in turning back now. This after all was the first step down the long, winding road I must take in order for me to look myself in the mirror again. It still troubled me that I had become so much of a weak, submissive girl. Potter women were known for being stern, and powerful and the bitter pill I'd been forced to swallow was the simple fact that that woman had cowered me into doing her will. And I had allowed myself to be cowered. And I hated myself for it. But in order to make things right, I first had to make things right with the fellow upstairs. Yes, put God's books in order before setting about putting my own affairs in order.

“Holy God, heavenly Father, you formed me from the dust in your image and likeness, and redeemed me from sin and death by the cross of your Son Jesus Christ. Through the water of baptism you have clothed me with the shining garment of his righteousness, and established me among your children in your kingdom. But I have squandered the inheritance of your saints, and have wandered far in a land that is waste. Especially, I confess to you and to the Church...”

I closed my eyes and sighed.

“A few days ago I was called to cane a young man named James Donald Bell, I believed James did not deserve the punishment. Against my better judgment I carried out the sentence. I was however given a choice. I could have refused and as a result lost everything I've worked so hard to gain, my position as a prefect, my position as co-captain of the cheerleaders, and my place on the squad. But I was afraid too, I'm afraid I cherished those more than doing what my heart and soul were telling me to do. I know I should have refused to carry out the sentence, but I was afraid to refuse. If given the chance to do it all over again I'll refuse.”

The priest cleared his throat and nodded his head.

“Therefore, O lord, from these and all other sins I cannot now remember, I turn to you in sorrow and repentance. Receive me again into the arms of your mercy, and restore me to the blessed company of your faithful people; through him in whom you have redeemed the world, your Son our Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.”

“Jamie, you are caught between a hard place and the sea. I would advise you to use the talents God has given you to make amends in the best way you see fit. I will not tell you what to do. But I will say this, you must depend upon the Holy Spirit to guide you in this matter. Go forth from this place, trusting in God, the Church and resting upon the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Your patron saint is Joan of Arc who held firm to believes in the face of death. Reflect upon her life and death.”

Fr. Bell then took a deep breath and said.

“Will you again return  to Christ as your Lord?”

“I will”

“Do you then forgive those who have sinned against you?”

“I forgive them.”

“May almighty God in mercy receive your confession of sorrow and of faith, strength you in all goodness, and by the power of the Holy Spirit keep you in eternal life. Amen.”

“Our Lord Jesus Christ, who has left power to his Church to absolve all sinners who truly repent and believe in him, of his great mercy forgive you all of your offense; and by his authority committed to me, I absolve you from all your sins: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

Fr. Bell took a deep breath.

“Now there is rejoicing in heave; for you were lost, and are found; you were dead, and now alive in Christ Jesus our Lord. Abide in Peace. The Lord has put away all your sins.”

I closed my eyes and once more shed a small tear.

“Thanks be to God.”

And that is how this episode comes to an end.