Idol
Idol - 1990- Age 21
A new decade has started and I would be 21 years old this year! I knew that I was at the crossroads of my life. I promised Chloe that we would be getting married this year. She was already making the plans. I also had to decide what I wanted to do. I loved the idea of my life as a teacher. The fact is that I knew that I was good at teaching. The experience that I had teaching was some of the best things that happened in my life. I loved that I could help prepare children for their futures. At the same time, after I had fun with Cameron at the studio for songs, I started to miss the music and being an artist. You can say that I was regretting that I resigned from showbusiness. It was the case that I wanted to do two different things. The only thing that I could do was take one step at a time.
I was by now busy doing the transgender film. The film was called "Pinkerton" and the main character reminded me a lot about myself. It was about a man that was transgender and gay that was not accepted by his family or society. The man decided to be himself and be happy with who he was. It was a movie about the struggle that he had with himself and others. It was a movie that showed courage in a world where people judged. As I said, this movie meant a lot to me. I did not consider myself transgender or gay, but I was judged and this was even when I was at a young age. This movie was my way of showing my courage and telling people to get over the fact that I considered myself gender-fluid. This was my way of telling people that I would be the person that I wanted to be. If they did not like it, then they could just ignore me and judge someone else.
The studio asked me if I would do a song for the soundtrack of the film. At first, I refused, but when I told Cameron about the request, he told me that he had the perfect song. I just smiled and said that those days when I did music were gone. It was shortly afterwards that I had a strange dream. It was a dream where my mom visited me and we had some tea together. In the dream, she told me that I should do the song, but do it as a duet with Chloe. In this way, it would be easier and it would be a way to make up for the fact that I did not best to destroy Chloe's dream of becoming a singer.
I was sweating when I woke up from the dream. It seemed so real and it made me think that my mother did visit me in my dream. Ever since she died, I felt as if she was an angel. Now I was certain that it was my mother visiting me. When I told Chloe that we could do a duet, she was overjoyed. I will also admit that was great fun to do the duet with Chloe. It did not bother me if the song would be a hit or not. It was something that Chloe and I had fun doing.
The wedding was announced which got some media attention. I was seen as the child star that survived the industry and did not screw up my life with drugs or by being arrested. Daniel (my friend from university) was surprised that I would be getting married. He told me that he always thought that I was gay. This made me laugh and tell him that just because I was gender-fluid and could be feminine at times, it did not mean that I was gay.
Chloe's ambition of being a pop star was rekindled by the duet that we have done. This made me think that she could have been a star now if I did not sabotage her career when she first started. I personally missed it but did not know if I wanted to make a comeback. This is because I was afraid of being in the spotlight again... and what was worse if I failed. I wanted to make up for my past a support Chloe. So I visited Cameron and asked him if he would help Chloe do a new album. Cameron agreed to the project and said it would be a wedding gift. This meant that Chloe was now busy at the studio. In a way, this was a relief as it meant that I did not have to listen to all her plans for the wedding.
I was unsure about the wedding. I felt as if I was getting myself into something that I was not ready for. The wedding would cost as much as a Royal wedding and so many people would be coming. There were some things that worried me. Should I invite my family? If I invited them, would they cause a scandal? On top of this, who would be my best man? Would Nick even come? The worse fear that I had was that I would be a hopeless husband. I loved Chloe, but did I love her as a friend or a wife?
The media heard that Cameron was helping Chloe with a comeback. They were also interested in the wedding. This could have been an excuse for them to create a scandal. Playboy posted pictures of Chloe that she was supposed to have done when she turned 21 years old a few months ago. It was Daniel that showed me the pictures of my future wife posing nude for a magazine. I was shocked when I saw them. I had to admit they were done in good taste, but I felt betrayed when I saw them. When I confronted Chloe, she defended that it was her body and it was her choice to pose nude. She was not ashamed.
The problem was that I was ashamed and it was a big problem for me. I visited Nick to try to forget it. We had a long talk where I told him that I missed him as a friend. He agreed that it was time we buried the hatchet and were friends again. We hugged each other. Then it was as if everything went in slow motion. As we hugged, we looked into each other's eyes and then kissed each other. It was as if we always wanted to do this but never did. Before I knew it we were rolling around the bed. An hour later, we sat on the bed smoking a cigarette. I was quiet. My virginity was lost in gay sex. I felt guilty that I liked it so much and felt as if it was Nick that I was in love with and not Chloe. Nick finally said that the sex could have been a mistake as I was about to get married. We should not do it again and we should not tell Chloe. I did not think it was a mistake. The only answer that I gave Nick was that I was glad that we were friends again.
Things were very tense between Chloe and me. She thought I was upset about the playboy pictures. Chloe would tell me that she did not mind that I wore makeup or would even wear clothes that she wore. She did not mind that I was gender fluid. It was my choice. I should be the same and not get angry over her choices. The fact was that I was not mad at playboy. I felt guilty that I had sex with Nick and could not be honest and tell Chloe about it. I decided the best thing to do was to forget it happened and concentrate on Chloe. Chloe and I made up. We laughed and joked that we survived our first crisis. Deep down, I did not think that it was so funny. We had a crisis and we were not even married. Was this a sign?
The soundtrack for the movie was released. Of course, it was released at the wrong time. The movie was delayed. Still the single went to the top 10 and people were calling it a comeback and wondering when I would do an album. I was hounded by the press asking if I was out of retirement. The only response was a smile and that I had no plans of coming out of retirement. Now I was supporting Chloe with her career. It did not help that I would boast about how talented she was. The press just wanted to know my plans.
The wedding day came. Nick was my best man at the wedding. He gave me a tablet that would calm my nerves. This meant that I was pretty much high during the wedding. It was a day that I would never forget. There were tears in my eyes when I saw how beautiful Chloe was. It was when we stood at the altar, that I knew that I wanted to be married to her. While the wedding started perfectly, it became a circus. There were paparazzi everywhere. Dad was drunk and had to be escorted out. Ronny was so high, that he did a sensual dance with Chloe that was so inappropriate. Still, the day ended up with me being officially married. The honeymoon did not go any better. Chloe and I had a huge argument during the honeymoon. We were so loud in the hotel that we were staying at, that we were on the front page of the newspapers the next day with the headline, "Honeymoon war of the Divas"
When the honeymoon was over, Chloe continued working on her album. My Dad also visited me. He told me that he started his own agency where he would be a manager and make people into stars. His reasoning was that if he could make me a star, then he could do it with anyone. Dad showed me a picture of a young girl that was only 9 years old. He told me that she would be the next megastar of the music business. The problem is that he needed my help. He wanted me to persuade Cameron to help write songs for her. He also wanted me to sing a duet with her. I did not have to think about this. Dad was told that I would not help him. I would not be part of any of this. I reminded him of how he treated me and that I was just a money machine for him. Hell would freeze over before I would work with him again.
Married life was heavenly. I still remembered what Nick and I did, but marriage meant a fresh new start. While Chloe worked, I stayed at home. I loved cooking and made sure that Chloe had a good meal every day. We would do everything together. There was no need for any TV. We could spend all night in each other's arms while we talked and talked. I was interested in listening to Chloe telling me about her plans for a comeback. It did make me miss it, but I wanted her so much to succeed and be happy.
One day while Chloe was at the studio, I was looking at old pictures. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I have seen the old pictures. I could see how I was raised as a girl and was always smiling when I was with mom or grandmom. My smile disappeared when I could see that I started living with Dad. I could see that I was now treated as a boy. I looked confused and sad. As I turned the pages, I could see that the only time I smiled was when I was performing. The pictures made me think about why did my mother and granny treat me as a girl. Did they see something special in me? Was it a coincidence that the happiest time of my life was when I lived as a girl?
I found out who Dad's new protege was and visited the girl and her parents. Her name was Britney. I told her the raw truth of what Dad was like. He had no clue how to be a manager. He was dominant and demanding. He would not care about her. He would press her to the limits so that she would be more stressed than she would be happy. I could see that the young girl and her family wanted fame and fortune. I finished by telling them that they should consider signing a contract with my Dad. I promised that I would help with the girl's career.
Chloe released her album. She was overjoyed at the album. It got great reviews and it sold great. Chloe was delighted that the album was in the top 5. It was fun seeing Chloe looking at the reviews and how well her album was doing. She was in a great mood and was making plans for her future. The only thing that annoyed her was when people referred to her as my wife. I could understand that she did not want to be a success for just being associated with me. It was just as annoying for me. Whenever I read about Chloe, there was always some comment about if I would do more music. It was 4 years since I released "Society Radio". I remembered how it flopped and I felt like such a failure. Any comeback from my side could end in another failure. I am not sure that I was ready for this.
Cameron must have known my fears. He told me that he knew that I was afraid I would be a failure or bullied at being called a sissy. His answer was that failure was part of life and that we can use the failures we had to make us stronger. As for people thinking that I was a sissy, I should not care. No matter how I looked, people would find something wrong with me. Cameron helped me decide. I told him that we should work in secret. I did not want anyone to know, not even Chloe.
It was just as I was about to start recording that Dad visited me. He was very angry. Britney would not sign the contract. He just stood there yelling at me. In the end, I told him to leave. He promised that he would get revenge on me. I will be honest, I did not listen to a lot of what he had to say and I did not take it seriously. I was in shock. Just before he came, Chloe told me that she was pregnant.
