Idol

Idol - 1979- Age 10
Dakota tries to achieve his mom's wish, to be famous

I put my foot down when my agent said that we would be doing a new album. I tried telling him and Dad that if they listened to me the last time, "Hope" may not have been such an embarrassment. I told them it should be pop music and ballads. It did not have to be all religious. It had to be something that would be played on the radio. This did not go well. The agent reminded me that I cannot say no as I signed a contract. I had to do what the record company said. Dad was mad and told the agent to leave it up to me

Dad was mad at me. He said that he was ashamed of me. He thought I was raised to accept when people were helping me and not be such a diva. He asked me if I considered the flop of "Hope" was because I did not do my best? Did I ever consider that some may have thought that I was a sissy because of my long hair and looked girly? Dad continued scolding me by saying that I was still a child, so I had to do what others said.

Dad stormed out of the house. It seemed as if the only time he ever spoke with me was when he was mad at me or wanted to be my manager. He did not treat me as a son he loved. He just thought I could make him rich. I suppose that Dad still blamed me for the death of my mother. I started to cry as I was thinking about one bad thing after another bad thing. Without thinking, I reached for a pacifier in my drawer and put it in my mouth. When I realized what I have done, I noticed how relaxing the pacifier made me and how safe I felt.

Granny did not help me. She changed a lot over the last few months. It was as if she was going crazy or something. When she saw me with the pacifier, she asked if my diaper needed changing. This made me remind Granny that I was 10 years old, which confused her more. All this made me think of if Granny could even take care of us. I am sure that Dad noticed Granny's mental state, but it seemed that he did not care. Once again, I doubted that he loved us or wanted the responsibility. Why did he even want to be my manager?

Cameron changed a lot. He used to give me a hard time by teasing me and bullying me. This changed last year when Ronny left home to live with Dad. Now Cameron was nice to me. He knew that I was feeling stressed over a new album and invited me to shop with him. When we were looking at different shops, he told me that he understood why I felt sad. So many people were deciding and not giving me a chance, and everyone had high expectations. Then Cameron smiled and told me it was his job to cheer me up. He took me to a small shop and said my ears will be pierced. I was reluctant about this, but Cameron said every girl had pierced ears. I ended up with a stud in each ear. When I looked in the mirror, I felt so pretty.

Of course, when Dad visited me, he was not so happy about the ears being pierced. He told me that it made me look gay. I was unsure what gay even meant. I heard this being said in school but never fully meant what it meant. Dad told me that he had no time to talk about my sissy ways. He reminded me once again that "Hope" was a flop. Dad thought that I had an easy job to do. I just had to do what was told and do my best at recording the album. I was only a child. I had to let the professionals do what they wanted to do. I tried to answer, but Dad would not listen to me.

I was constantly using the pacifier when someone was not looking. It made me feel like a baby and this is what I secretly wanted. I wanted to get rid of the stress and the pressure that I felt. All my life, I was told that I was to be as famous as Shirley Temple. I did not have a life like other children. I was constantly practising or singing at the Church. I do not remember when anyone spoke to me about normal things. All I heard was when people talked about fame or talked if I was allowed to dress up as a girl or not. Now the record company wanted me to do another record. They lost a lot of money on my first record and I felt like I was a failure. I did not know if I wanted to experience another flop. I felt so much pressure that this was my last chance to make everyone's dreams come true.

This became so bad that I burst out crying when I was playing with Chloe and Nicky. They were talking about the summer holidays they would go on. Both were going to be at a beach. For some reason, this made me cry. I could not remember a time when I was at a beach. I told them about the pressure I felt. I told them that I was weird. I was born a boy but was treated as a girl. Sometimes I liked being a boy and sometimes I felt like a girl. I was not allowed to be a child. I was expected to fulfil people's dreams and be a success. I was the tool for people to be very rich.

I admitted to Cole and Nicky that I felt at times that I wanted to be a baby. I even used pacifiers. I was going crazy. Nicky and Chloe hugged me. They told me they could never do what I did. They also were my friends not because I was talented, but because I was a nice person. They did not care if I was a success, transgendered or a baby. They loved what was in my heart.

This made me think. My oldest brother was now 18 and he was a lost cause. He spent all his time with some low life friends that were always drunk or high on drugs. I felt sorry for him. He could not see how he could fit in society and lost faith in himself. Just like the pacifier was an escape for me, drugs and alcohol were an escape for him. This made me think that I was weak as well and could replace the pacifier with drugs that would end up destroying my life.

Mr Spenser, the record company boss, called me in to talk with him. He said the same as Dad. The record company spent a lot of money on me. I had the talent and I needed to trust the people that helped me. Mr Spenser told me that the next album would be pop, which would help me to be on the radio and so forth. The record company would be spending lots of money on the best songwriters and the best producers. Now I just had to do my magic!

I would soon be recording the new album and I was not in the right state of mind. I was afraid of failing again and suddenly being famous was nothing I wanted. Besides how I felt, I had another problem. I started wetting the bed. This was so embarrassing and it was nothing that I could keep a secret. I tried to hide the wet sheets in a hamper every day, but in the end, Granny noticed the wet sheets. She asked me about it, and that just made me cry. Her answer did not help me either, she just said that all small girls wet the bed.

It was time to record the new album. Despite that I was afraid of doing this album, I quickly found out that it was fun to do. The songs were more pop and songs that I would listen to on the radio. I was once again doing something that I loved and that I was good at! I was having fun. The producer's name was Mr Sandalwood. He produced some of the top stars in the world. In the beginning, he was a grumpy old man, which made it clear that he did not want to produce an album by a child. At the end of the recording, he was much nicer. He told me that I was very professional and talented. He thought that my singing was magical. I had to smile every time he said that!

The album would be called "Sacred Religion". It was an upbeat record that had some pop songs and a funky title song. Some songs were covers of famous songs. Unlike the first album I have done, "Sacred Religion" was something I was proud of and had fun doing. The cover was a picture of me in denim overall and no shirt sitting on a log and looking up towards heaven.

I didn't go to school during the recording. I tried to study when I could but Granny could not help that much. The teacher at the school asked why I was so absent. She did not like the idea that I explained that I had to be in the recording studio. She got mad and told me that it was dangerous to follow dreams that would never come true. She thought that I was a dreamer and this would destroy my life. I did not know what to answer. So far she was right. I did not have any success so far.

" Sacred Religion" was released along with a cover version of the Beatles song "Let it be". I was a bit afraid that once again there was very little hype. It was not even in the window display of the local record shop. Some boys at school must not have liked it, as one day I was punched and beaten badly up. They told me that I should not think that I was anything special. I was just a sissy that thought I was someone important. I was told that sissies are only freaks. This did not matter. I was so hurt that I had to spend several days in bed. I was now afraid to go to school.

When I was recovering in bed, I got more bad news. The single "Let it be" and the album "Sacred Religion" both flopped. They sold a bit less than my previous album. This did not help my humour. Besides I had a career that was a failure, I continued to wet the bed. I did not know what was happening to me, as my pacifier and doll were always with me!

I told granny that I was wetting the bed every night. Then I stammered that I should wear diapers when I slept. Looking back, this was a radical suggestion as drynites and training pants were not even invented. Granny bought some cloth diapers and girly plastic panties that would fit me. In a way I was lucky. Some parents at this time thought bedwetting was such a problem that they punished their children. Granny started diapering me with diapers, and I quickly had no choice but to get used to them. It was not as if I could complain as I did ask for them and it meant that I woke up dry. Besides that, the plastic panties looked pretty.

The record company were disappointed that "Sacred Religion" was not selling. They had one album left on my contract. Mr Spenser told me that there was a clause in my contract where they can cancel it at any time. So I was told that the contract would be cancelled, but they would release the title song. Mr Spenser explained to me that I should not feel like a failure. I had lots of talent, but it seemed as if the world was tired of child stars after the success of the Jacksons and the Osmonds.

In a way, I was not as disappointed as I should have been. Nick told me that I have tried something that many others my age did not try. It could also help me at school that I was now normal. This was not the case. I was bullied even more when others found out that I lost my contract and was a flop. I hated school!

I was surprised when the agent told us that the national talkshow had invited me to perform. The host heard me and wanted me on his show. "Sacred Religions" title song (the same name as the album) was released at the same time. It was a funky song that had a message that we should treat one another with love.
" Teach your children to love one another
Teach them the sacred religion
The Religion of love
This is the divine way"
I loved these lyrics. They were something bullies at school should read."

The performance went great. I was wearing the same clothes as I did on the album cover. My hair was loose down to my shoulder. Dad didn't want anyone to notice my earrings. I had fun. I was thinking that this would be the last huge experience I had in the spotlight. I could always perform again at the Church. I rocked the performance! I did my best and got a standing ovation.

A few weeks later, Mr Spenser rang again. Both the single and album were now high in the charts!