CHAPTER TWO
Moments that Pine and Malisa Chat

As usual, there was no real sense of who or even what the person was at first. I hadn't really been paying attention to anything Pine said in the main room. Since curiosity more than anything else spurred my accepting their invite, I figured on laying down the law early.

Opening the door to the separate channel Pine set up, I played my opening to the amorphous being waiting patiently on a sofa by a coffee table in front of me. "I don't really like people DCC chatting me unless I know them."

"Okay, sorry." The genderless being drawn back slightly. Sex Channels weren't always friendly, and sometimes it was a good idea to bolt quickly rather than involve yourself in an abusive conversation. His quick backing down helped let me know Pine wasn't searching for someone to dominate. "But don't worry about it. I'm a little lonely tonight anyway."

Pine responded to my olive branch by grinning at me. "So, how do you look today? I guess beautiful..."

"I look like normal... Oh!" I said, and then realising that it sounded like I was telling Pine that, of course, I'm always gorgeous, I felt my online construct blushing.

"I don't think you need to blush; there's nothing wrong in being beautiful."

"I never said I was beautiful... I just meant..."

Pine grinned again. "I know." There was a pause as Pine seemed to be searching for something to say, and finally, Pine decided to begin defining himself. "I'm Daniel, Winc. What's your name?"

The being on the sofa now took on a more masculine posture and form. He had given me his (presumably) real name and expected the same from me. "Wrong, bucko," I murmured to myself and made a flat response. "Winc." Not Mattie, certainly not Malisa and never Matthew.

"Okay, Winc." He said, seeming to consider the matter, "That's a lovely name; I like it. Unique, probably as special as you."

"Thanks, you're a real sweet talker." I smiled at the compliment and upped the ante. "But that means you have something planned." The dance had started.

"Just saying what's on my mind. And no, I don't. How old are you?" He asked.

The question was a bit odd and threw me off my pace. Was he a cop trolling for paedophiles? I had heard of them doing that in the sex channels. "Between 18 and 15." Damn fingers. "Oops, sorry, 25." I giggled. He smiled at my flux. Getting back to the dance, I invited him to speed up the tempo by opening the top few buttons of my blouse and commenting, "My, but it's bloody hot in here."

It struck me then that I'd automatically identified myself as a female in doing so. Yes, I was in girl mode, and I was playing him… However, I also felt something. It wasn't like I was just playing the girl; I felt it raging through my being again. It's hard to explain. Hard to get into words. It felt like Malisa had come alive again. I knew that from Pine's viewpoint, the sexless character I'd wanted to project had just changed. I was no longer a middle gender, a genderless being keeping this all abstract; I was the female gender all over again. This didn't feel right for me to be living this role again, but it did feel natural.

Pine glanced at me perhaps a little too appreciatively. "Maybe I need to warm up because up here in Vancouver, Canada, it's a little cold." I could almost see him rubbing his arms to warm himself. "Where are you?" He asked.

"I'm in New Zealand," I said, hoping Daniel wasn't going to use such an old line.

"I wish you were here instead of there."

He used it. "Oh really," I said, "And you have only just met me," I think he could feel my temperature drop a degree, but his honestly fumbling recovery was so cute I decided to let him off the hook.

He gave me a sheepish grin and tried again. "You're way cuter than I thought; I bet you have a very nice smile."

Flattery, and about one aspect that doesn't make a sexual response necessary. "I have been told so," I said, feeling a bit warmer towards Daniel. "But I don't think I'm cute, so to speak," I added coyly.

Daniel rallied and told me he dreamed of kissing my "beautiful" lips. That evoked me to give a slightly lewd response, and he took it as the consent he really wanted. I could feel soft female flesh covering my genderless figure as Pine started to dress me (my construct/Winc) with his eyes. While I was revelling in the attention at once, the intellectual part of my mind cautioned that I wasn't being responsible. I compromised with a mixed message.

"See, you are after just one thing, aren't you." My intellectual side said, "Good, play it cool," while Malisa enjoyed the attention and tease could attract.

"No, of course not," Daniel protested, "I think you're a neat person. I was lurking during your other conversation. I was drawn to you. Some type of connection here I have never felt before." I felt his longing gaze travel down my body, remaking me in the form he saw me as.

My blouse filled out as Daniel hung a young girl's breasts on me. Neither large nor small, but Malisa found their weight proper and comfortable. Daniel had unfortunately neglected to provide a bra, and against my previously well-fitted blouse, my nipples performed a semaphoric salute, which Daniel couldn't help but notice. To my surprise, however, instead of continuing, he grew embarrassed.

I could feel his fear of going further. Finally, Daniel stood up and asked. "Winc, can you come a little closer?"

I stepped a little closer into the light, so to speak. Still, no need to let him feel too comfy yet. I like being appropriately wooed. "Don't do anything, I bite." I giggled.

"I just wanted to see what the most beautiful woman in the world looks like." I felt him about to begin shaping me again, but he stopped. "Or at least imagine it; tell me what you look like, if you are okay, please?"

This was genuine flattery; Daniel was giving me the chance to continue independently. This wasn't what others typically did. They would tell you what they imagined, fit you into their ideal figure, and make you fit into the wants of their sexual needs. Instead, Daniel was fulfilling my fantasy as well as his.

I (Winc) brushed my short brunette hair back from my face, revealing sea-green eyes. I grinned and stopped there. As much as I might have wanted to, part of me was afraid of further acknowledging my gender. I mean, he had already made me female in his eyes, but something made me feel like I was breaking my own vow of being genderless if I continued to expand as I wished.

Daniel considered, "Mmm... Brunette hair... that looks wonderful with that smile of yours.

He'd surprised me again. Numerous guys want Blonde, Redheads, or pure Black hair. They seem to think of those of us with brown hair as plain. I almost wanted to blush again as I said, "Thanks."

You've probably noticed by now that I haven't said a thing to define Daniel. I didn't want to. So far, he'd acted in a manner that every man I've really wanted should have performed.

I was revelling in just enjoying his polite maleness. I mean, come on, I knew that he was after one thing, and to be honest, I wanted something as well. After all, TVSex channel was about sex with Trans people. Yeah, it was not really well named, being that most people thought TV was only for Transvestite, and most of my friends on there were Transsexual. But, naming aside, its primary focus was sex with those born as male and who wanted to interact with others as female.

As I described myself to him, my online persona shifted and morphed into the shape of an attractive but almost homely feminine figure.

My full breasts raised as Daniel stepped in close, raising his warm hands to cup my cheek, tilting my head up, so he could look into my eyes. His other hand brushed gently through my hair.

"I never thought a girl could be this beautiful." He breathed. "Winc, I want you."

My hands were resting on his chest. I really was getting warmer now. Those hands of mine opened my blouse completely by undoing the final three buttons. Daniel drew my face towards him, and we kissed.

When we broke for air, Daniel said, "This time, I want to taste your skin." and his lips touched mine again, then slowly moved to the left, still kissing. His tongue darted out quickly each time until he reached my ears. He then sucked gently on my lobe and explored each of my ears with his delightful tongue while whispering, "I want you." Daniel nuzzled my hair then.

By now, I was really getting caught up in this. "Uhmmmm... nice." I groaned into his ear. I joined his next kiss willingly and embraced him, running my hands lightly down Daniel's back. He began running his kisses down my neck, following his hands, which were following the contour of my shoulders under the blouse, pushing it off, and making their way to my breasts.

As my hands reached the base of Daniel's spine, he went down, his hands running grippingly down my back as his mouth and tongue played across my nipples. Caressing the back of Daniel's head, I kissed his strong neck and enjoyed the tight crinkled feeling of my aureoles.

"I can feel your firm ass," Daniel said, letting me know just how far his hands had travelled. I wondered idly if that was a breeze I felt down there. "Mmmm... Winc?"

"Yes?" I groaned.

"You're the most wonderful girl I've ever met."

The blush blooming over me was caused as much by Malisa as by my intellect calling foul. I'm only acting... right? I pulled Daniel away and looked down at him through Winc's eyes. "Stop it. How do you know that? You don't even know if I am a girl." Hell, the last few weeks have been spent denying that very fact. What am I doing here?

I can't place why I suddenly felt so cold and standoffish. I had been playing the girl; hell, I had even skinned myself in this body of femininity. And yet, when he told me I was the most wonderful girl, a usual throw away statement of horny guys, I felt a sudden ping of anger and guilt. I wasn't this fantasy I had built; I was... a failure! I was born in the wrong body, and how dare he try and make me feel like I really wished I was in real life!

"I don't care," Daniel said, raising up to look me in the eye. "You are a girl to me, and I've known you for less than a couple of minutes. I mean it," He began caressing my bottom again. "I consider you a more real girl than anyone I've met."

"A real girl?"

"Yes. I consider you a girl... Don't you?"

"God, I wish I did," I stated as I felt Daniel hugging me tightly. "It isn't that easy for me. I feel I am this person you state I am, but then reality keeps slapping me across the face and reminding me that the moment I look away from this, I am instead an... aberration."

"I wish I could hug you for real," Daniel said. "I don't think of you as anything other than the person you showed yourself as in the main channel and what you described yourself as in here."

I wanted to type something back, argue with him some more. It was almost as if I wanted him to hate me, to consider me to be the failure I kept telling myself I was, but he interrupted my train of thought.

"I've never had such a connection. Have you ever felt such a strong connection with someone since the moment you met?"

I'm not a cyber-virgin, But... "No." Was that true? I had had some good sessions before. "Not really." I mean, there was that one... "Yes." But was it that good? I became confused. "I can't remember, really."

"I feel that you're the most beautiful person I've ever met" Our constructs come together again. Simply holding and fondling each other. Daniel realised he was sitting with a topless woman, totally clothed. He shifted, and I helped him with his pullover and tee-shirt. As the shirt cleared his head, I leaned forward and let Daniel kiss me again. A tender and slow kiss. Most of the action is described in gentle detail.

"You're so wonderful and caring," I said and broke character for just a moment. "The way you type is so wonderful."

"It's because I feel something that's making me care," Daniel said. "Winc, I wish I could be with you."

I ran my hands down Daniel's chest, lightly touching his nipples. He returned the favour. "Ummm, I haven't felt this hot in a long time," I said, as Daniel once again applied his lips and tongue to my full and engorged breasts.

He looked up at me and replied, "I've never felt this hot for someone, ever."

"Really?" I said incredulously. He was beginning to sound like this wasn't just play.

A slow and utterly fantastic smile came upon his face as I gazed into his face. "Relax, honey, I love..." the last word was lost in the best cyber-kiss I ever experienced. Slowly, he turned Winc around and got down on his knees to work my skirt off.

My skirt!? I started to panic. I wanted to tease and flirt and maybe have a little fun. "Are you doing this just because you're horny?" I needed him to say something crude and break my mood. Instead, he said something so sweet, it pushed me even harder than a simple goof would have to close this down quickly.

"I don't think so... Oh, Winc you are so... This is the most beautiful piece of art I've ever seen."

I reached down through Winc and guided Daniel up to face me. I wanted to cool him off, but what came out of Winc's/my/Malisa's mouth was, "I think I'm getting to like you." And finally, a hint of control. "However, I will have to leave shortly."

This was where the cybersex portion of the session ended. Nothing happened (in real life and just a little fondling in the chat room), but somehow a feeling of being alive had taken over my whole body. I was Malisa was more, and deep inside, that was good, but my mind was now confused and scared. I thought I'd pushed these feelings away. I had thought I was cured of the power of gender. I thought I was a Hir, ze, it.

Daniel tried to kiss me again, but I placed my hand over his mouth. "Don't ask why, but I do have to go," I said, but the look of hurt in his eyes asked every question I wanted to avoid answering.

"Will I ever talk to you again?" Daniel asked.

What the hell, "Would you like to e-mail me?" I asked just as he asked the same of me. I giggled at the simultaneous post.

"Yes. Neat... I do want to e-mail you." He said. God, why was he so anxious?

I tried a more serious approach. Maybe Daniel was just acting and didn't recognise how he was getting under my skin to the girl inside. "Really, Daniel, why do you really want to talk to me again?" The confusion in his reply both disturbed and calmed me. A most unsettling feeling.

"I feel something," He started, "it's not just lust, and I mean that. Something is happening here that I haven't felt before. You're different from the others on IRC."

"Okay," I/Winc smiled, almost despite me, "Give me your address, Hon." A sudden burst of curiosity hit, and I asked, "What do you do for a living?"

"I study"

"Really? what?"

"Yes, and you?"

"Ditto." This was the first time he'd evaded anything I said. Daniel had confirmed he was in school but not what he was studying. Between that, some of his speech patterns, and his next question, I should have twigged as to why.

Instead, I was just a little surprised when he asked, "How old are you? If you tell me, I'll tell you, and I promise I won't lie." his smile was now like that of a child, asking a special favour.

"There's that age thing." I admonished with a giggle. I'd already marked that territory as taboo and saw no reason to back down now.

"Yeah," Daniel said, almost petulantly. "I'm sorry. I won't ask."

"Look," I said, taking his hand to sit on the sofa. "I don't need to know yours. The less I know, the better, for now."

"Are you certain? I want to get to know you." Daniel's grip tightened, and I knew I'd let him have his chance. A fair one, but he would have to wait for me.

The smile on my/Winc's face was as genuine as one could get under the circumstances. Two digital puppets, representing their controllers, are on opposite ends of the world. "You will in time... If you want time."

"I want the time," Daniel said earnestly. "I'm willing to wait if that's what it takes..." He paused for a moment as he obviously thought of a reason I was being so secretive.

"Are you involved with someone right now?"

"No." It hurt to admit it, but if some people had trouble dealing with my problem before, my current gender-less stand had left me questioning how I was to relate. My defaulting into girl mode during this chat proved that... Didn't it? Daniel was treating me like a girlfriend, and I wasn't just letting him; I reinforced the notion by my own actions. How far was I going to let this go before I stopped it!?

"Okay," He said, accepting the answer, but the curtness of the reply must have shaken him. "You still want my e-mail address?"

"Um..." I could have told him no and returned to my gender-less limbo again, but he'd been so sweet so far. Making me feel so good/scared/ alive. He was giving my soul something it needed desperately, even if it was tearing my mind apart. Feeling a little like a junkie, I said, "Yes, okay."

"I won't give it to you unless you really want it." My first impulse was to let Daniel know that I was doing him a favour. I hadn't begged for his damn address, and dangling it now that I'd admitted my need was cruel. Then it came to me, he'd felt the trepidation in my reply, and he wanted to be sure I wasn't just trying to humour him. He still didn't know he'd hooked my soul through Winc and that whatever my mind told me, Winc/Malisa/I would be back for more.

I typed rapidly, "Yes, I do." And felt the Junkie-Jitters slow down as Daniel passed his address across to me. "I really will have to go shortly; however, I can e-mail you."

"That would please me... and could you tell me your e-mail address? You're the most wonderful person I have ever met in IRC, and I want to avoid losing track of you."

"Really??" I didn't know whether to feel good, bad or distrustful anymore. After my recent experiences, I no longer trusted my female impulses and was never sure of how people took me. Here was someone who was not only accepting but wanted me. As much as his professions stroked Malisa deep inside me, my mind kept screaming to be wary.

"Yes, Winc, I just want you to know that I don't use IRC much. Normally, I use NetMeeting or TeleVox, but I have never met someone like you, Winc. Can I have your address?? e-mail that is"

I nervously let me/Winc pass Daniel my address. He gazed at the card as if it were a most precious possession. Then he looked up at me with big doe-brown eyes and said, "Thanks Winc... New Zealand?"

"Yep," I nodded, a bit shame-faced. I thought I'd mentioned it to Daniel before; had he forgotten? I watched his face become saddened. "Does that mean you're not interested anymore?" The tear between mind and soul grew wider as one side rejoiced at finding something to deter Daniel's pursuit of me/Winc, and the other despaired the former might be right.

"No, Winc, I'm still interested. There are things distance can't change."

I'd started this gambit. I had to see it through and remind Daniel how 'Fun' A long-distance romance can be. "Sometimes it can, Daniel. It changes how far romance can grow; it can kill it before..."

He interrupted with a smile, "Yes, but sometimes it makes romance grow bigger than the distance, and it doesn't have the chance to die."

He sounded like he really believed that, and deep inside, I also wanted to. "True, sometimes it does."

"Who knows, maybe I'm lucky enough." Daniel gave a depreciating lop-sided grin on his face.

The words echoed in my mind and soul. 'Maybe he's lucky enough!'

I knew Winc/I was beaming at Daniel. "I haven't felt this alive in a long while."

The other side of Daniel's mouth came up. "You deserve to be happy, and if I can bring you happiness, that will make me happy. I'll try to send you a picture if I can."

"No pictures!!!" I screamed. He would want one of me, but there is no accurate picture of me. There were only pictures of this foul being I had been born as!

Daniel was startled. "Why not? You don't even want to see me?"

"Because pictures cross the boundaries of... Well, of something." How could I tell Daniel this without sounding vain? It's not vanity; I am just not that male thing in the mirror. I'm... "Let me get to know you first," I said. Simultaneously, maybe I can get to know myself too, I thought.

"Okay, if that's what It takes," Daniel said, squeezing my/Winc's hand gently.

Why not tell him. He has most of the pieces. "The thing is..." I swallowed. "Gender is a problem in real life. I have no better way to say it. I have a few friends on IRC that really know the difficulties of my gender and how it affects me.

"I understand." Daniel sighed. "Winc... You're worrying more than I am."

"True, but you're not the one with the fucked gender." It came out a little more bitterly than I meant, but it was true.

Another gentle squeeze. "Relax, we'll go through this slowly and together. Okay?"

Our discarded clothes evaporated and reappeared on their proper hosts. I was a little disconcerted to find I was still in girl mode. Malisa was still out. I(my mind) wanted the security (the non-feeling) of being gender-less (a non-person) again. I wasn't sure I could handle an explanation if I could feel human while doing it.

"Some days on IRC, I am a guy, and others, I'm a woman... Then sometimes, I'm Non-gendered, that is what I was today..." I was breathing hard now. Tell it all. "A nothing, no plans to be anything, until you came along and totally screwed up that non-gendered persona. I can't tell you that the female me will be as easy to come out the next time you see me. So, if you can handle that, then yes, I would like to keep in contact."

"Okay..." Daniel actually took his time and tried to ask an intelligent question. "How do you feel about yourself? When you're a guy, are you straight?

"I can be anything; gender to me can flow." I thought I was telling the truth. But then I (My mind) had turned a blind eye to the fact I continued to default into girl mode, while it took a conscious effort to maintain a male or even a non-gender. "I don't believe in the binary scale of gender."

I knew people who were non-binary, people who believed themselves to be none of the socially constructed identifiers of gender. When they explained it to me, they described it as being themselves, not identified as gender or someone who must fit a specific gender box. But to me, it was a more safe space where if I was telling myself I was ex-gender, none of the Dysphoria of being the wrong sex didn't rampage over my soul and mind.

"Okay, I know what you mean, and I can handle it. Gender is a state of mind."

I don't know why I decided to chat anymore. Maybe I just wanted to spend more time with Daniel, to understand him better. All I know is, instead of calling time, I asked, "What do you study?"

"I study Aviation, and you?"

"Social and Women's studies."

"I see." The grin was back as he asked. "I hope I won't be a part of some project."

"No chance. I couldn't do that to anyone without asking first." I laughed appreciatively and gave Daniel's hand a squeeze. "I don't know why, but I really think I've clicked with you."

It was Daniel's turn to blush now. "Winc, Uh... in your everyday life."

"Yes? 'In my everyday life???'"

"How do you deal with this in your everyday life?" he asked, softly giving my hand a slight squeeze back.

I grimaced. In for a penny... "Counsellors, I need help trying to sort out who I am. If I am. I don't know anymore."

I tried to explain more about what I was struggling with, but I couldn't seem to say anything without pausing and self-doubting myself and what I was going to say. I had told myself so many times I had had enough of my problems, and why would anyone else really care?

I didn't like exposing myself this way. While I struggled to speak, I could feel tears welling up, and my heart started swelling and fit to burst. "Damn, this is hard. I don't like... I'm going to go. It's too hard."

Daniel's grip tightened, though. Faster than I could part the channel and leave, he said, "I wish I could comfort you somehow, but don't go... Not just yet. I wish there was something I could do for you right now."

"So do I, Daniel, but neither you nor I can change how this... how I feel." I wanted to go, to stay, to run and be held.

"Right now, I wish you were here, and I would hold you." I stayed a moment more and listened to Daniel's next round. "What's the strongest gender for you?"

"Female." The response came before I thought about it, but I had to add to it when my mind retook control. "But I can't really claim to be anything. No woman or man, neither gay nor straight... I'm a nothing right now, really." I'd been telling myself that for months. It sounded like a kind of living death the first time I said it, and every time I repeated it, I felt that much deader inside, but it was like what Bill Cosby once said about Novocain. It doesn't kill the pain. It just lets tiny 'Pain Buddies' build up so that when the pain comes back, it's that much stronger. Every time I stopped telling myself I was nothing, that I was something, and my whole situation came crashing down on me once again.

"People see me as male, then they talk to me, and get confused and start seeing me as me, which is a nothing. No real gender. If they only go by looks, they see a man. If they only go by what is inside, they see a female. If they go by what I try to show them, I hope they just see nothing."

"I see," Daniel said. "Okay, but you're NOT, nothing. Winc, I see you as a woman, and I think that you are wonderful as a woman."

"So do many others. I can act on IRC," But was it ever really more than that? The others who hurt me never thought so. "But just because I can wear a bodysuit of the gender that is being played, that doesn't make me that in real life. Real-life is not so easy, more the pity."

"Yes. But this still hasn't changed my mind." Daniel ran a finger' cross my cheek, sweeping a tear away. "I still consider you the most wonderful person I've ever met on IRC."

Winc/me blushed again and smiled my/Winc's most winning smile. Daniel pulled me into his arms and held me tightly as I rested my head lightly on his shoulder. Sheltered like that, I felt control come back and forced myself/Winc into an androgynous form. Daniel couldn't have missed the change, but he continued holding me in his comforting embrace and kissing my/Winc's forehead.

"Thank you, Hon," I muttered back as I felt a shiver of pleasure at his attention and caring for me.

"You're afraid, aren't you?" He whispered. "You're a little afraid of becoming too much of a girl. I like you this way too. Do you feel like a man now?"

"I feel like neither right now, just... well relaxed and feeling more at ease than I have felt for a while. I think that is your doing; being able to just share and be accepted is something unique."

"Thank you, but it is effortless to want to care for you. I don't know why; I just feel that it is something I want to do."

There was quietness as we just sat there, with his arms around him. Finally, he continued with his questions, "Do you have desires for a particular sex?"

"Both sexes. I'm bi... I think." I couldn't really identify as Bi-sexual; it felt like it wasn't really the correct explanation of how I felt sexually towards others. "It isn't really about their sex, but... well, about how they make me feel."

It seemed Daniel was having trouble with that aspect. "So you see a beautiful female, and it turns you on?" He asked.

"Seeing anything doesn't turn me on," I replied. "I need to get to know them, get to be their friend. A person's looks don't account for anything, really." I stopped and tried to think of something to quickly and clearly explain how I felt my sexual was. "I am... non-sexual. It isn't about sex and looks for me; it is about the emotional bond I form with people."

There was a long pause before Daniel finally nodded. "I see... I think." Daniel said, but I didn't think he did.

Another pause and he added, "But if you feel attracted to a female, what is that like, is it like a male to female, or is it a female to female attraction?" He shook his head and looked a bit ashamed at the question. "Never mind, I'm being very superficial here, and if you consider me being idiotic, I'm sorry."

I giggled myself. At least Dan understood when he didn't know enough to ask a reasoned question. Attraction is attraction.

I figured I would use material I had read that helped me understand how sexuality worked for me. "Have you ever read the book Nearly Roadkill?"

"No, is it good?"

"Superb." Reading that book had helped a lot in fashioning my present attempt of being... me. It had been somewhat a revelation to me. "In fact, the two main characters started out like you and I are now. About two people on IRC, finding each other, and broke a stupid government law."

"What law?" Daniel asked.

"Registration. The government wants everyone to register their names, addresses, personal details, their genders. While the other stuff is wrong, it is the gender one that stops them from registering. The authors are Caitlin Sullivan and Kate Bernstein.

"I see," Daniel said thoughtfully. "I'm gonna read it."

"You better!" I said, thumping his chest lightly.

"I better!?" Daniel smiled and gave me another hug.

Cradled in that embrace, I decided to drop another hint as to how much 'Nearly Roadkill' affected me. "'Winc' is from that book, you know."

"Really?" Daniel grinned. "So, do you pay or get a royalty?"

"I have taken one of the character's names... The other person is Scratch."

"What's your real name then? I told you mine."

I grinned and gave him a quote from "The Prisoner", "That would be telling."

"Aw, c'mon. You can call me Daniel instead of Pine."

"How about Dan?" I teased.

"I prefer Daniel, but if you really like 'Dan.'"

"Okay, Daniel," I grinned. My act was coming back. "You can call me Mattie."

Daniel cocked a brow. "Mattie isn't a very female name."

It crossed my mind I shouldn't name someone I didn't want to "hear" from. "My female name is Malisa... Please don't use that; however, I'm not really in that mode. And it is hard to accept right now. So just Mattie..."

Again he showed a very comforting acceptance. "Okay... Mattie."

"Thanks, Hon." Glancing in the lower-right corner of my screen, I noticed the time. "Oh shit! I'm going to have to go."

Daniel disengaged from Winc/me. "No problem. I'll e-mail you, sweet Mattie."

"Bye, Hon. You're wonderful." I called, and then Daniel, this man who made me feel so damn good, dropped a bombshell on me.

"By the way... I am 18, just in case you want to know..."

"Only eighteen! Oh." God, I thought I was a good actress. Some guy who was pretty much a kid had me feeling emotions I couldn't really understand or comprehend!

"Yes, is that a problem?" Daniel's face fell. "I hope not."

"I've just turned 25." He's a teenager, I thought. I know he was old enough to do what we almost did, but... the difference in our ages couldn't really mean anything... could it? No! I pushed the thoughts back. I didn't even really know him yet, so why bother worrying about how young he was!

"So, I'll e-mail you, okay?"

"Now you know everything." If I continue with him..., what does that make me? Would Daniel ever be interested in me now that he knows I'm seven years older? Seven years! When I was eighteen, he was eleven.

"Well, it's not a problem for me, don't worry," Daniel said.

"Really!?" Why did I/Winc sound so happy? I still didn't know how to feel about this. I wanted to avoid taking someone who is pretty much a boy as a cyber-lover, didn't I? These things always fucked me off about IRC; you could never really tell someone's age by how they acted and behaved. Someone who acted like an immature idiot could end up being in their late fifties, while someone who was an utter gentleman and very mature could scare you and be very young, even too young!

"I won't use the information for anything bad!" Daniel was almost pleading. "Age is just another state of mind. Heck! Most of what we believe to be physical is really a state of mind and what people have told us to believe."

"True..." I said slowly. Much of what he just said was the fundamental basis of gender-neutral people. The gender they pick for themselves is more natural compared to what parents, doctors, teachers and society state their gender should be.

I could sense him wanting to keep me there, and I knew that if I didn't get out of there now, I would continue to loiter around. Just having his attention on me felt accelerating, and just like a drug, I wanted more of it. But the time was screaming for my attention, and I knew I had to get out of there.

He could sense I was about to leave and spoke up, "Bye, take care! And don't forget about this guy who really likes this girl..."

I stopped (I don't know why), "What little guy that likes what girl?" Why did I ask? I knew what he meant, and yet... yet I wanted to hear him say it. And damn it, Winc/me was almost at the door!

Daniel's voice matched his quiet smile. "Me and you..."

Hold on to yourself, I thought. You are 25 years old. You are not a teenage girl, alone, unsure of herself and scared! Now politely excuse yourself and break the connection...

NOW DAMMIT!

With that running through my head, all Daniel heard was a polite "Bye." and I was gone.

It was hitting me hard. How could an 18-year-old kid make me feel this way again? What right did he have, making me feel like a teenage, crushing girl? The feelings going through me at that time were ones I wished to hide from.

After that chat, I was confused and scared. But I could handle it! I would handle it.

I would e-mail him and tell him to go away. I would tell the little shit that I couldn't talk to him. I would say to him anything, just to stop this feeling I was getting inside again.

But I didn't send; I knew that I had to go to bed to get up on time tomorrow morning and do my tasks. Additionally, my flatmates hated me getting back into the house from the garage too late as it would wake them up.

I shut down my PC and committed to dealing with Daniel and these feelings he had caused tomorrow after processing them more.

The following day, however, before I could process how I would move ahead with the Daniel situation, his e-mail sent me into vicious circles (When in danger or in doubt, run in circles. Scream and shout.).

It sent me into a place in my mind that wouldn't just shut off. Noise, thoughts, overwhelming dread rushed over me, and I couldn't seem to shut it down.

Had the water level of my stream dropped rapidly, leaving the sticks to scrape away at me, cutting at my flesh and bone, or had the sticks and reeds simply grown so large from being unattended that they were now going to explode into splinters that would rip through my mind and soul.

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Author's notes: I want to talk a bit about what I feel about this whole situation now, especially since I am older and wiser (debatable!). But, I want to leave my commentary to the end of the whole story, to prevent creating spoilers.