Once Peter and Sheila were over the peak of the mountains and descending the western side the road followed a stream that splashed and danced over the rocks as it ran through the verdant forest. At each turn in the road a magnificent new vista was revealed and Sheila was enchanted by the scenery.

"I had no idea any of this was here, Pete. It's beautiful."

"I thought you'd like it."

"You sure know how to plan a date. This beats seeing a movie all hollow. Uh Pete?"

"Yes?"

"Is there a gas station any time soon? I have to pee."

"You should have taken care of that before you left," Pete replied in a singsong voice.

"Your folks used that line too?"

"One of us always put off doing their business on every road trip. It was usually followed by 'You'll just have to hold it.' "

"And one of my brothers always made a crack about turning yellow and my mother got mad."

"Sorry, no gas stations until we get into Beaver."

"Beaver? Damn!"

"But there are a bunch of little picnic sites and campgrounds that have outhouses."

"Peter, that was nasty."

"But it was fun."

"How soon do we get there?"

"Hours and hours. That was my dad's line. It can't be that long and I'll try to avoid the bumps."

"You're a true gentleman, Pete."

"I suppose."

"Such enthusiasm."

"There times I don't want to feel like a gentleman."

"Oh… Like when you're wearing a pink bra and a Girl Scout uniform?"

"Uh, yeah."

"You want to talk about it? No pressure."

"Other than needing to pee?"

"You're changing the subject."

"I'm good at that. I've never told anyone before."

"You told me."

"Because you're too damn smart and ought have been a detective."

"Like Miss Marple or Hercule Poirot? Do you suppose Hercule ever wanted to be Miss Marple?"

"I don't think he would fit into her clothes."

"He'd have to shave his mustache, too. There goes the image."

"That's what it's all about, isn't it? Image?"

"And what image do you see for yourself?"

"I just don't know! Sometimes I get so sick of the whole 'boys do this' routine when I want to do something else entirely. I hated it when I was playing little league, baseball has got to be the most boring game ever invented. Most of the time my brain seems to think like a girl, not a boy."

"So what's wrong with that? People are telling me all the time I think like a man as if that's something tragic."

"I guess to a jock, anyone that looks as good as you and isn't a bimbo is tragic."

"Wow! A compliment about my looks that wasn't sexist. You're good, Pete."

"Just trying to be honest."

"So do you want to be a girl?"

"I don't know! Sometimes I do. Sometimes I want it so bad it hurts. But most of the time being a boy isn't so bad. Then when you kissed me the other night I sure wasn't feeling anything like a girl. It's confusing!"

"And I thought just being a girl was confusing enough. Here I go stalking you for a boyfriend and find out I get a two-for-one deal. Or is it maybe a one-for-one deal splitting it down the middle and just having a friend?"

"Now we're both confused. Sit and think on it for a few minutes, there's the campground. I just hope they've been pumping out the outhouse regularly. A stinky outhouse is a lousy place for contemplation."

"Gad! This has got to be the most romantic date I've ever been on!"

"Gad?"

"An old-fashioned way of saying 'Oh Shit!' without getting a lecture on proper language for a young lady."

"I never knew you could increase your vocabulary by dating. I'm sorry I didn't start earlier."

"Hold that thought. Nature is calling. Screaming, in fact"

And with that she bolted for the outhouse, leaving Pete wondering if he could become enough of a proper young woman to say 'Gad!' with a straight face.

 

"Whew! That's better. Your turn."

"I'm OK."

"The last time I said that you threatened me about singing some song. What gives?"

"You're not a Monty Python fan, are you?"

"Who's he?"

"Them. British crazies that did TV and movies back in the day. They're old guys now, but they're still funny. At least I think so, not everybody gets their humor."

"And…"

"I'll play you the Lumberjack Song when we get back in the car."

"Is this some kind of test?"

"Might be. If you like the song you'll understand."

"Then let's get going so I can hear this marvelous music for myself."

"Don't forget - you just asked for it."

To Pete's vast relief, she passed the test.

 

"Hey look!" cried Sheila as they drove through the town of Tillamook. "There's the cheese factory."

For anyone living in the northwest of the good 'ole USA, Tillamook dairy products are a fact of life. If its made from milk then the gigantic Tillamook Creamery makes it: cheese, yogurt, ice cream, butter. How big, you ask? They produce one million pounds of cheese each week - that big.

"I don't see any cows."

"Not at the factory, you big ape."

"Which means they must moo-ve a lot of milk around."

"Pete, as a well-endowed woman I've heard just about every dairy joke on this planet. Don't start."

"I shall contemplate your charms in silence."

"Pete? Why the hell would you actually want to wear a bra when you don't have breasts?"

"Because I want breasts?"

"You're welcome to mine, I have a stinking surplus."

"Be still my beating heart. I thought you said you didn't put out on the first date."

"Peter! You know that's not the way I meant it, or is your testosterone getting in the way of your girl thing?"

"Conditioning brought on by growing up in a patriarchal society."

"Pseudo-feminist claptrap!"

"Claptrap?"

"I like the word. Mom uses it all the time. Don't change the subject."

"So OK, I fantasize about breasts like yours, just not the way most guys do."

"Why is it that no matter what we're talking about the conversation keeps ending up about sex or your odd clothing choices?"

"Because we're hormone-ravaged teenagers and you're fascinated by my 'odd clothing choices?' "

"You sound like my father!"

"I guess I kind of sound like my father. That's the kind of thing he says when I get his goat."

"Nanny-goat or billy-goat?"

"You don't seriously think I would have told him about something like this?"

"I suppose not. This is the weirdest and most fun date I've ever had."

"I was scared shitless when you figured out how I was dressed, but now I'm actually glad you know."

"So am I. I tend to come on a bit too strong for a lot of men. Boys. Whatever. You haven't gotten that queasy look in your eyes and tried to find a polite way to say 'I'm outta here!' "

"And you haven't said things like 'queer,' 'wimp,' or 'pervert' either."

"Maybe that's why you're such a good date, you aren't trying to impress me with how manly and protective you are. This is really your first date?"

"Yeah. I just didn't feel right taking a girl out when I half wanted to be a girl myself. Felt like false advertising."

"Aren't you glad I'm the pushy type?"

"You caught me with my attention elsewhere, like on those clothes I was coveting. My defenses were down. Then you kissed me. Thank you for confusing me even more than I was, I think."

"You kiss pretty good for someone who's confused."

"You kiss pretty good for a pushy chick."

"You liked it?"

"Hell yes!"

"Good. I haven't lost my touch. Be interesting to kiss you sometime when you're dressed up and see what happens."

"Like that's going to happen."

"What good is a kissing cousin if I can't kiss him. Her."

"Jeez Sheila, I've just barely been able to try on those new clothes for a half an hour. Not too often everyone else is gone and I can dress up."

"You just aren't sneaky enough, cuz. These things have to be planned."

"And I suppose you have a plan?"

"I'm working on it."

"While you're thinking, should we stop at the beach?"

"Sure, why do you think I wanted to go to the coast?"

"So you could delve into my deepest, darkest secrets?"

"That was for the trip here, now I want to see the water."

"Your wish is my command, fair maid."

"And if you are the one looking like a fair maid?"

"We'll split the difference."

 

"Would you want to stop and tour the cheese factory or just keep going to Cannon Beach?" asked Pete.

"The cheese factory. We can eat lunch there and have the picnic for dinner."

"A practical woman, you've got it."

"Well now that was exciting." declaimed Sheila.

Pete and Sheila were back in the car after the plant tour.

"Yeah, nothing like watching a bunch of stainless steel tanks sitting there doing nothing to keep your interest." replied Pete.

"Well, we did get to see a movie. Movies are sort of required on a hot date."

"I guess I'm doing pretty good for my first try at dating."

"Smartass. At least the cheese packing lines were moving, looked like a river of orange down there."

"I liked the river that ran by the road getting here better."

"So did I. How come the cheese is orange when the milk is white?"

"Ah, I just happen to know the answer to that. Heard it on NPR a while back. It all started as a seventeenth century fraud."

"You're kidding!"

"Seriously. Some of the cows in England ate grass that had enough beta carotene to make their milk sort of yellow or orange, so much of the best quality cheese had that color naturally. And naturally, somebody had to cheat to make a buck, so they started to skim off the cream, which was what had the color, and sell it separately. Then they colored the lowfat milk and sold the crappy cheese for a premium price."

"Figures."

"And us Americans had to do everyone one better so some dairies started making their cheese look like a Halloween pumpkin to make it stand out."

"If anyone tries to market pumpkin-spice Cheddar I'm going to personally shred their marketing hacks and put them in little bags hanging in the grocery store along with the pasteurized processed poop they so daringly call 'cheese food'."

"Remind me not to get on your bad side. Can I tell you a secret?"

"You have another secret besides the one we've been talking about all day?"

"This one could really get me in trouble if it got out."

"Do tell!"

"I don't like Tillamook cheese."

"Sacrilege! They'll burn you at the stake for heresy, or maybe drown you in a vat of buttermilk. You Unitarians are taking things too damn far."

"And you Baptists get carried away over nothing. I suppose around this part of Oregon dairy products are the next best thing to religion. Why do you think I don't want anybody to know? Tillamook cheese is just plain too bland. You ever tried Cabot Seriously Sharp?"

"Would it pair well with communion wafers?"

"I prefer wheat thins. You can see for yourself at dinner."

"You brought some with you?"

"In the cooler."

"You're just lucky their competitor's product alarm didn't go off when you drove into the parking lot."

"Its a lead lined cooler."

"That stuff must be really hot!"

"Tastes much better cold, thank you."

"You're weird."

"Oh, and New Englanders think premium cheese should be white, and since Cabot is based in New England it's white."

"We heading for Cannon Beach?"

"Yup. Decision time. Do you want to troll the little shops or just head for the park and do some hiking and stuff."

"What do you want to do?"

"Well, it might be fun to see some of the shops first."

"That's it! Now I know you are serious about this girl thing. No man I have ever met would want to troll the shops with me."

"Was that a test?"

"Could be."

"Did I pass?"