The events you are about to read are real; however, some names have been changed to protect and respect the innocent.

Can Love REALLY Conquer All?

March 22, 2008

Oh, my dear one, where to begin? I guess I’ll start from the time my husband and I met. I was dating someone back in 2001 who introduced me to role playing games. It was loads of fun because there were about six or seven guys in the group, and I was the only girl. We usually gamed on Saturdays from 3 p.m. until whenever we felt like stopping. Afterwards we’d all go to a movie, out to eat, or just sit and chat.

These guys were the big brothers I never had. I always felt safe and secure with them. I loved them like family, and they loved me back as a sister. My husband to be was part of this group, and it was revealed to me at a later time that he was actually interested in me; however, since I tend to be very clueless when it comes to dating games and don’t know what ‘hints’ are, I never realized he was trying to steal me away from the guy I thought I was dating.

As time went on, the biological clock was ticking..VERY LOUDLY. Around September of 2003 I decided since this guy I was supposed to be dating is not asking to take our relationship further, I would be the one to take the plunge. We made plans to get married, at least, I thought he was interested in that proposition too, since he popped the question on one knee. Not 24 hours later, I called him to find out if he would start making the arrangements for the marriage license and everything. He said “We need to talk.” My heart dropped to the floor.

That night, he came over and said “You are just too good for me.” He then proceeded to let me know all the failings and faults he had, and I was letting him know I could forgive and work through those failings and faults. It ended up that he finally said that he couldn’t go through the charade anymore of thinking we would make a good couple. I sat there in silence, not knowing what I did or said to drive this man, who I thought I loved, away.

I didn’t go to work for about 3 days because I was just devastated. I didn’t leave the house, I didn’t go gaming, and I thought the guys at the gaming group were laughing at me because they saw something in this guy that I didn’t. That’s when a couple of good friends and my husband to be started calling and coming by to make sure I was alright.

He called every night to chat and lift my spirits. I began to be suspicious of his intentions since he did call every night. Eventually I came to realize that the guys in the game group didn’t think I was stupid, in fact they didn’t know what happened at all. I guess my imagination ran away with me, like it does most of the time. After talking with the guys, I found out that the ex-boyfriend had dumped me for a crack head, and “exotic” dancer. I was so infuriated that this guy thought so little of me to leave me for someone who is addicted to drugs.

Be that as it may, I was so grateful for friends like my husband to be, and the game group that surrounded me with support and love. He especially became near and dear to my heart. We started dating in November of 2003. I fell hard and fast for him, and what was funny was his friends were telling him they knew all along that he was interested in me. As I said, I’m pretty clueless when it comes to dating games and hints.

He and I went on two dates. After the second date, I called him because I didn’t want to get into another relationship if he was not interested in taking it further that just friends. When I called him, we chatted, then I asked “So, where do you see our relationship heading?” He was quiet for a few seconds, although it felt like an eternity. It was enough of a pause for my mind to tell me “You BLEW it, hon! He’s going to think you’re some kind of psycho, and will tell you to back off and never see him again.” After the pause, he said, “well, if things work out between us, I would like to make you my wife.” I was so relieved when he said that. I had to keep from jumping and shouting for joy. Ever since then, he tells people that he asked me on a date and I said yes, I’ll marry you.

We started making plans for the wedding. We originally decided to have the wedding in April, which is around tax refund time. As time went on, though, I knew I would not be able to wait much longer. I know it sounds desperate, and crazy, but I knew that I loved him after our second date. So, we decided to get married in January 2004.

As soon as we set a date, it seemed like everything fell into place. Friends stepped up to the plate to help with decorated, catering, and any other things that needed to be done. On our wedding day, He filled up his car, and had a couple of dollars left. He bought a scratch-off lotto card and won $400. Our honeymoon was a bit more fun because we had the extra money.

You know the vows you make when you get married? To love, honor, and obey, through sickness and health? For richer or poorer? Etc? Well, it seemed that as soon as we were married, the sickness and poorer part came quick and relentless.

We were married in January 2004. In March he lost his job, and hasn’t been able to find work since. We lost the house in July of 2005 due to foreclosure, and we are still struggling with financial issues because of having only one income.

I’m not telling you this for sympathy, I’m just trying to let you know the circumstances that solidified our love and care for each other. It was through those times of uncertainty that we clung to each other, and we still do. Our love grew to such great depths because of those experiences. We came to not only love, but trust each other implicitly. We both came to the knowledge that we would not intentionally hurt each other. That’s what makes the upcoming events so special.

It was in 2007 that he finally came to me with a confession. He wasn’t sure of how I would react, and he was very nervous and scared. He sat me on the sofa and then sat down beside me. He took me in his arms, and explained he may be going through some gender issues that he has battled all his life. I was quiet for a long moment. I don’t remember what I said, but I hope I conveyed that I loved him no matter what.

This confession certainly explained part of the depression he suffered for the past several years. It also explained some behavior that I noticed, but didn’t really think about. Remember my cluelessness? Anyway, we talked for a few minutes, and the we parted so we could think about the impact this might have on our relationship.

As I have struggled over the fact that my beloved husband may have mild to moderate gender issues, I have come to see him in a completely new light. He is still my husband and friend, but he has opened me up to a whole new world that is usually left in the dark to suffer on its own. He has done a lot of research as far as the scientific standpoints are concerned, and he has voiced his discoveries to me. Sometimes it becomes overwhelming, and I have to tell him that I have information overload, and I need to think about it.

He has also found a few friends online that are going through various stages of gender issues from mild thoughts to outright surgery. He has introduced me to his friends, and they have become near and dear to my heart as well. I never realized how much they resist the urges and tendencies they have whether it be thoughts or actions. There are some who are inter-sexed, there are some who are cross dressers, and there are others who have had surgery to reassign their gender, but all in all, they have been a godsend for my husband and me. Whatever questions that my hubby cannot answer, there are a myriad of people online who can give me a different perspective on the whole thing.

The saddest stories are the ones where the spouse leaves because they think their femininity or masculinity (whichever applies) is in question. I had to think about those things too. There was a time that I thought if things progress to the point of surgery, the I would probably leave my husband. Then I got to thinking “where would he go? How would he survive? What would he do?” I wasn’t sure if my womanhood was coming to question in his mind as well. I never told him of these thoughts because after thinking them for a mere two seconds, they vanished. I think God was trying to let me know that my husband and I needed to learn and grow through this time. Through the help of online friends, and the love I have for my husband, I knew I needed to stay.

March 30, 2008

I grew up in a typical American home. Men are men, and women are women. The man goes out and earns the money, and the woman takes care of hearth and home. Traditional family values were instilled in my siblings and me from the time we were born. That being said, my mother also taught us children that people are people regardless of race, color, or lifestyle. We were to treat everyone with the respect they are due. That has been so ingrained in my personality, that I have been very accepting of people who might be different than the rest of society. I don’t say this to brag or show that I am better than others. I say this to let you know where and how I obtained the ability to be understanding and empathetic of others’ experiences.

I knew when my husband revealed his tendencies that there was going to be much to think about. As I stated earlier, I began to wonder if it was something I had done or said that made him want to experiment with dressing in women’s clothing. I would never have pegged him as someone who would want to do that. He hid it very well, but I am glad he decided to let me know what he was going through.

This is something that I have never experienced in my family. I had friends or friends of friends who were either homosexual, bisexual, or just plain curious about it all, but I have never experienced anyone who wanted to be the opposite gender from what they were born. That’s why when my husband told me I freaked out, and thought our marriage was going to be over. After he told me, I sat there for a few minutes just so everything could sink in.

I didn’t know what this would mean to our relationship. I thought “what did I do to drive him to this? Was it something I said?” There were so many questions and not enough answers. Later that week, he started researching. After his delving into the sea of information on the internet, he would come and tell me of his discoveries. Mostly they were the medical or biological reasons for the change in gender. Most cases were medical, and they were reasonable answers. However, it was too much information to absorb in such a short amount of time that it became information overload. I finally had to tell him that although I appreciate his researching and trying to find answers for what he was going through, I couldn’t handle all the information he was throwing at me.

He then started feeding me bits and pieces of what he found instead of books and tomes of information. It wasn’t long after that he found the online group that has helped us so immensely. It was through friends like Cathy that I came to understand the true nature of what my husband was experiencing.

Anyway, I have come so far in my way of thinking since my husband’s revelation. The next step he asked me to take with him is to allow him to dress in women’s clothes. My ‘knee-jerk’ reaction was a solid NO!! It wasn’t until later that I realized I was afraid because my imagination ran away with me. I thought if I let him dress, then he would eventually end up changing gender permanently. It scared me more than I knew. I certainly didn’t want to lose the husband I have come to know and love. The one I laughed with, cried with, and made love with.

After talking with the ever-steady Cathy, she reassured me that just because my husband was asking to dress up, it doesn’t mean that he’s going to go to the extreme. I thought about what she said and took it to heart. I realized that I over reacted. So I made a small concession. I went to my husband a few days later, after truly thinking over my actions, and said that I wasn’t ready for him to start dressing, but we could start with toenails. A couple of weeks later, I needed to redo my toenails anyway, so I asked my husband if he would like me to paint his. He said that would nice, as long as they weren’t red. We laughed at that, and I painted his toenails a pretty mother-of-pearl color that wouldn’t show up unless the light made them sparkle. He painted mine red.

Cathy helped me so much to come to a point of not only accepting but empathizing with the whole situation. She has been such a pivotal point in my relationship with my husband. The one thing I greatly appreciate about her is she told me that she was here to help me with understanding what was happening, and if she ever said or did anything that I didn’t approve of, or if she was going too fast for me, then I could tell her to back off or go away. Although I would never do that to her, she has become a near and dear friend and sister to me. I love her because of her genuineness and her love for her fellow TG kin’s well being. The TG community, as a whole, is one big family. They come to each other’s aid when one is going through hard times. I like that because that is the way my husband and I are. Once we consider someone family, we stick with them, we care for them, and we protect them when they are attacked. He can tell you that’s the way I am. Ask him sometime.

April 6, 2008

As much as I love my husband, and as much as I have come to know and love the TG community online, I needed someone who is non-TG to talk with. I have a friend at work who is very accepting of people, and I knew she would give me honest feedback and support. After I told her of my husband’s confession, she repeated what Cathy had told me. I need not worry because she could see that my husband and I loved each other so much that we would not hurt each other. She said our love was so obvious that anyone who looked at us could see how much we care and love each other.

When she said this, I knew then that I had nothing to worry about. It still scares me at times. Thoughts of how extreme this will go is very frightening, and my imagination will run away with me and take me places I don’t want or need to go. That dern imagination. It’s like a little gremlin, it will take root in a simple thought and grow it into a monstrosity such as Seymour from Little Shop of Horrors. Remember that musical? The one where a plant from outer space grows into a gigantic, flesh-eating plant? It grows so big that it can’t be satiated. My imagination is like that at times.

If there are any spouses, significant others, or family members out there who are experiencing this with their loved one, please be assured that it is NOT something that you did or said to cause this. Most times your loved one is or has been fighting being trans-gendered, or a cross dresser, or whatever else it may be called, far longer than you may realize. My husband has been dealing with this since he was a teenager, and I still thought it was something that I did or said to cause it. I still struggle with wondering how far my husband will go, but I trust in his love and affection for me, that those thought dissipate very quickly.

Remember that love can conquer all. I know it sounds very cliché, but it is true nonetheless. Love can create understanding, understanding can create empathy, empathy can then create a relationship with your loved one that will be far greater than the relationship you had with him or her before. I have to admit that taking that first step with my husband by painting his toenails has deepened our love that much more. I think our love increased because I was doing something for him that helped his self esteem, and it let him know that I love and accept him for who he is, not what he thinks I want.

Once I let go of all the fear, anxiety, selfishness, and stereotypes, I was better able to understand and adore my husband all that much more. Can love REALLY conquer all? It certainly did for me, and as Forrest Gump said, “that’s all I got to say about that.”