The next week goes by, well heavenly. The animal clinic where I work as a licensed veterinary technician has a strict uniform policy… The corporate scrubs are mostly unisex (although there are some more feminine styles), so clothes are no big deal at work. I am the only ‘guy’ in the female dominated clinic; and they do tease me a bit at first about my earrings…and my eyebrows…and my hair… They notice first thing—but only because they know me so well. For some reason, they don’t say anything about my lashes or eyeliner, though…

The teasing quickly fades away, however. Thankfully, there is no way for them to know that I am wearing girl’s underwear, including my bra and camisole, under the scrubs. The gaff is a bit of a challenge, at first, but I quickly figure out that if I just sit to pee, it is not that big a deal.

I spend my evenings at home working on the outline of the book that Tina is convinced that I can write and make it big on. I am not as faithful in myself as she seems to be, but I work on it none-the-less. If for no other reason than as cover for being able to openly work on the site, dream, and have some limited, but sanctioned, ‘girl’ time.

When I am not working on the book, Tina is showing me more and more makeup tricks. When I am in the apartment, I use heavier eyeliner and heavy black mascara. By the end of the week, I can even put it on without poking my eye out. She also starts showing me how to use eye shadow. I can’t get enough of how it all makes my eyes so…pretty. Of course, I don’t let Tina know that…

And so, Saturday rolls around again. I get home from the clinic and Tina looks up from her books (she is almost done with vet school). She smiles and says, “Hurry up, Sweetie! It is almost time for our appointment!” I look at her in surprise—the question written on my face. She rolls her eyes and says, “The spa? Did you forget it is Saturday…” The look on my face must be comical because she starts laughing as she says, “Well, you said you could get used to it… Emma has booked you a standing appointment along with mine. We need to get over there, though. Rinse those animals off in the shower. Hurry up!”

An hour later, we are in the spa. It is supposed to be less painful this time—just some touch-up waxing and shaping of the brows. Susi says, “It really is too bad we can’t just laser you like we did Tina.” Tina looks up from her magazine and says, “Well, why can’t you? I kind of like him smooth…” She blushes and Susi just looks at me. Laser removal? OMG, YES! I shrug and say, “I mean, if Tina likes it… I guess I am sort of neutral on it…” I am SO going to whatever Hell there is for lying like this… Don’t let up, though, either of you. PLEASE! Tina just smiles and says, “OK, it is settled then. Smooth as a Barbie Doll, Suze!” And they giggle at her little joke. Serious! STAY SERIOUS, GIRL! Don’t give yourself away! I just smile…and fake a groan…

Quite some time later, Susi has finished lasering my entire body. She looks at me and asks, “So, what about your face? I have heard that some men are having it done to save on shaving. If you are sure you will never want to grow a beard…it would be better than the cream you have been using…” This time Tina looks a little unsure. How do I play this? Very carefully is how… I look at Tina and say, “Well—you hate beards, so it is very unlikely that I will ever want to grow one…aside from the fact that my beard is really sparse anyway… Not having to shave sounds kind of nice…” Tina looks thoughtful… She gives me a strange look that quickly disappears as she says with a shrug, “It is up to you, Sweetie. I mean it is your face. I did not ask you when I had mine done…” YES! YES! YES! I say as non-committal as I can to Susi, “Sure, why not then…”

After finishing my face, Susi takes me to the nail station where she starts working on my hands. She scowls when she sees my nails. She says, “I can tell you have been using lotion on your hands, Barb. They are much softer…although still chapped. What happened to your nails? The clear polish is gone…and they are a mess again…all split and brittle.” I shrug and say, “Tina had to take off the polish after my first day back at work…the polish was all peeling off…” Tina speaks up from her station, “It is all of the hand washing and the sanitizers at the clinic, Suze. I had the same problem, remember?” Susi nods and says, “Yes…I guess I didn’t think about you working at a clinic in the same chemicals… We have two options, acrylic nails…or gel polish. At this point, I am not sure that gel polish will get it…they are in such bad shape… Acrylics would protect them until they grow out healthy…then with proper care, your natural nails should be fine…” Tina says, from over at her station again, “I agree, Suze. That was all that could save mine…”

Thirty minutes later, I am sporting acrylic nails, cut as long as possible to still fit within ‘male’ parameters, but still much longer than most guys would wear them. This is so freakin’ awesome! And the beauty is they are coming up with the excuses FOR me! Susi is finishing up shaping them and then says, “OK, Barb, I am going to put a coat of pale pink gel on them. You won’t really be able to see it, since it is a neutral pink—but it will protect the acrylics. I don’t think they would yellow—they are not supposed to; but, better safe than sorry!” She applies two coats of the pale pink and sets each with a UV light, then applies a shiny top coat and sets that. I look at them as she starts working on my feet. Wow! Look at these babies! I think I am going to cry! No! Don’t do that you silly goose! STOP! I struggle to get myself under control and focus on enjoying the foot rub.

When I look at my toenails a little later, they are painted a hot pink—Gel, like on my fingernails… Susi says, “No one will see your toes, unless you are barefoot—or wearing open-toed shoes… I thought it would help you think ‘girlie’!” She giggles and says, “The gel should easily last until next week; it usually holds up for at least two weeks.” It is really hard to stop the tears this time… It must show that I am fighting it…and they all misinterpret it. Tina comes over and hugs me… I notice her long, oval, French manicured nails as she wraps her arms around me and wish they could be mine. I look down at her peacock blue toenails with the cute designs on them and stifle a small sob. Tina says, “Barb…Ray… Susi can take it off if it is that big a deal… She is right, though. No one will see it but me…and you… You have made a lot of progress in your writing just since last week… This should help you up it another notch… It is so…girly… Isn’t that what you want to experience?” YES! And so much more! I really want more! How am I ever going to go back? I simply say, “Yes. Yes, you are right. It is fine… I was just a bit…surprised…”

The next few weeks are basic repeats of the first. Of course, I catch heck at work for my nails… I just laugh it off and say that it is my ‘prescription’ for bad nails… Like last time, it does not take long for the ribbing to die down.

At home, Tina has me try on skirts and dresses while I am writing. They feel so heavenly that I don’t want to go to bed, except the nighties feel as good… It is all making me so happy that I am starting to get depressed, knowing that it will eventually come to an end. It is a strange roller-coaster of emotions—and Tina seems to be noticing it more. I have to get a grip on myself. I still have over half the book to write… Then it needs to be edited and proof-read… I can stretch this out several more weeks at least…

To help compensate for the dread, I allow myself a little more makeup every day. I start with not only applying the clear mascara for work, but curling the lashes as well. I gradually make the eyeliner thicker… I start using a light coating of black mascara. I use some neutral eye shadow. I color in my brows and make them nicely pointed tapers… I do it gradually enough that those that see me every day don’t really notice—or, at least don’t say anything…

And so all is going fairly well—that is until about the middle of the fifth week. Tina comes in from class with a surprise… I had just gotten in a few minutes before and changed into a skirt and blouse—then put on full makeup and styled my hair in ‘girl’ mode. I am sitting at my computer, largely procrastinating writing anything substantial; she comes over and gives me a hug and kiss. She hands me a bag from Victoria’s Secret. I raise a perfectly made up brow and she shrugs and says, “Having to share my lingerie is getting old…I am having to wash it way too much. These are yours until you are done… Since they are my size, too, I can simply use them myself after that.”

I smile and look at the sexy panty and bra sets in the bag. My OWN lingerie! OMG! Don’t cry! DON’T CRY!!! I say in a near whisper, not trusting my voice not to crack, “That sounds like a good plan.” She smiles and asks, “Speaking of when you are done… How is it coming? Still having a block?” I nod and say, “Yeah… I don’t know…this has all been really helpful… But; I seem to be at a standstill…” I don’t know how long I can keep up this story…at some point she is going to get wise—or tell me to just give it all up…

She kisses me and heads towards the bedroom to change out of her scrubs. On her way out she drops a bombshell, “I am sure you will get over the hump! I invited Frankie over tonight. We haven’t seen her since you started this and I thought maybe she could give you some insights.” I drop my computer on the floor and rush behind her almost unable to speak, “You did what? With me looking like this? When is she supposed to be here? Quick! Help me get changed!” And the doorbell rings. Tina giggles and says, “Go get that, Hon. It will be Frankie! Go on—you don’t want me to get the door naked, do you?”

I am deathly pale as I walk to the door, zombie-like, to open it up for my oldest friend on Earth. It would be hard to tell how pale I am under the foundation, but, trust me…I am. I take a deep, shaky breath and open the door. Frankie is standing there…so self-confident and as petite and beautiful as ever. Gods! I HATE her! She takes a look at me and does a double-take. She says, “Ray? Is that you? Tina said you needed to talk… But…I wasn’t expecting… Err…may I come in?”

Tina comes up behind me and reaches to open the door all the way. She gives Frankie a big hug and brings her to sit down at the table. I follow…still shocked that Frankie is seeing me like this. She is so beautiful! SO confident! Such a girl! And I… I am such a…a…a… My reverie is broken as Tina offers the obviously curious and confused Frankie a cup of tea and says, “Thanks for coming over, Frankie. I think we need your help… So, Ray tells me that you ‘introduced’ him to a certain website that specializes in a certain genre of stories…that there was a need for good authors…?” Frankie, obviously still confused takes a sip of the tea as she nods, then says, “Well, I mentioned that a few months back, I think. I can’t even remember how it came up… Anyway, what is this about? What does that have to do with Ray presenting as a very beautiful woman?”

She thinks I am beautiful? How can that be? I…this is so confusing….

The two just keep talking as if I am not here. Tina says, “Ray has been submitting stories since then…” Frankie looks at me and nods. She says, “Barbie… I knew that was your writing… I read too much of your stuff in school… It is just your style… Why didn’t you…?” She stops herself and redirects her question to Tina, “OK, I guess you did not know…and have a problem with the genre?” Tina shakes her head and says, “Yes…and no! Yes, I did not know about it…and no, I do not have a problem with the genre, per se… Maybe the slutty porn stuff… Anyway, this is not about me… Ray has real talent…” Frankie nods and says, “Yes, Barbie’s stories are very well received on the site. I still don’t understand…” Tina explains the whole situation while I sit there just staring at Frankie. She thinks I am beautiful…?

I continue to just sit there and shrink more and more into my seat as Tina relates the story. When she gets to the part about me writing my sample tale, Tina just hands it to Frankie… It only takes her a few minutes to read through the chapter. She wipes her eyes and says, “Damn you! You are going to ruin my mascara.” She gives me steady look right in my eyes, the ones that are perfectly made up and have nearly sunk beneath the table…cringing… Then she asks me the question. I was not really expecting it—but had been dreading it. She simply asks with conviction, “How long have you known?”

That simple question, from the friend that has been by side since, well…forever, was enough to break me. I sob and rush into the bathroom, locking myself in. She thinks I am beautiful. I can’t give this up… It is so unfair… I can’t… After a while, time seems to have lost its meaning at the moment, I am pretty much cried out. I get up off of the toilet lid where I had been sitting and open my medicine cabinet. I pull out the bottle that I had been keeping in there for so many years… I start to open it…

I barely hear Tina and Frankie knocking on the door, calling out for me to open it. In a daze, I just stare at the white pills in the bottle. I don’t even hear them unlock the door with the coat hanger. I just feel the two pair of strong arms take hold of me. Tina locking me in a hug and Frankie gently but firmly taking the bottle. I hear Frankie gasp, “I can’t believe you still have these…”

Tina sits there; watching me, quietly. She gets up and pours me a cup of the hot tea she had just finished making. She sets it in front of me and Frankie intensely observes me. Tina looks at me, the hurt and confusion clearly visible in her eyes, and slowly speaks in a very low voice—almost a whisper, “I don’t understand much of this at this point, but I would like to… Ray, please talk to me.”

I just sit there and stir my tea. I keep my eyes on the cup as the orange-colored liquid spins around in the cup—making a small inverted tornado. If only it would swallow me up! After it is clear that the little vortex is not going to save me, I take a sip of the tea and timidly look up at Tina. She is just sitting there, quietly looking at me and just waiting. I sigh and say in a barely audible voice, “I have known that I am a girl since I was eight… Since before I met Frankie… I think that is one of the things that drew me to her in the beginning…” Frankie gasps—but stays otherwise quiet. Tina asks, “And why have you not told anyone…Frankie, me, anyone…?”

I shrug, defeated, and say, “I don’t know that I can really answer that question, Tina. I mean…I have always been afraid of hurting people if I told them—or myself by getting laughed at, ostracized, or having to endure any number of other inappropriate reactions. But mostly—I just did not want to hurt…or disappoint my friends and family… It is hard to explain.” She closes her eyes in some sort of internal pain. She asks, “And the pills…”

Frankie pales and I just shake my head and say in a whisper, “I am basically a coward, I guess. I saw what Frankie went through so bravely… Well, for the most part. Her family throwing her out… Losing all of her other friends… There was that one time…and yes, I still have that bottle of sleeping pills that I took from her that night…” Tina gasps this time and looks at Frankie wide-eyed. She asks, “Frankie! You were going to kill yourself?” Frankie nods and says, “Yes, that was a long time ago. If it had not been for Ray back then, I would not be here.” Tina looks at me; visibly shaken. She asks in an unsteady voice, “And you were considering using them just now? Why?”

I hang my head and say, "I really don't know what I was planning, to be honest. I can’t say for sure that I would not have taken them.” I look at Frankie, “You said I was a beautiful woman… I can’t take it anymore. These past weeks have been the best in my life… The more I have enjoyed it, the more it has been a nightmare, though… Dreading that it is going to come to an end… Like some fairy tale without the happy ending.” I take a shaky breath and start sobbing, “I don’t want it to come to an end… But, I don’t want to lose you, Tina!”

Tina lets out a sob herself and I feel her wrap her arms around me. She says, “You are a beautiful woman, Sweetie. One that I would be proud to spend the rest of my life with.” That stops my sobbing cold. I look at her, shocked; black streaks of mascara streaming down my face. I ask her timidly, “You…you…you would? But, why? I mean…this will ruin my life. I won’t ruin yours, too. What about your parents; your friends?” She laughs and says, “Silly goose! My parents—or anyone else I know for that matter—won’t care anymore than they did when I had my lesbian relationship in high school. I am—and always have been—bi-sexual. My friends know that; my family knows that…I am surprised you had not figured that out by now. It has never been a secret at all…”

Frankie smiles at Tina and nods that she knew. I am stunned. Frankie looks back at me and says, “Ray? Let us help you through this. We are here for you.” Tina nods, looks at Frankie and asks, “What do you suggest? You are the closest thing to an expert that I know of in this.” Frankie shrugs and says, “I am not a shrink. The one I have is really good, though. I will call her tomorrow to make an appointment for Ray… Or is it Barbie?” I shrug, sort of slap-happy in shock, and say in small attempt at humor, “I don’t know… I have fantasized a lot in my life. I never really let myself settle on a name, though, until I started writing… And, I mean—who doesn’t want to look like Barbie?” They both giggle, although I suspect it is forced, and Frankie says, “OK, Barbie it is.”

Tina gets up to make us all some supper and Frankie asks, “So, have you ever taken any online gender tests?” I nod my head and say, yeah a few weeks ago… I saw a link on the website for something called the COALAMUNDI or something…” Frankie giggles and Tina just looks over from the kitchen, lost. Frankie says, “The COGIATI. What was your score?” I shrug and say, “580-something. It really didn’t tell me anything that I did not know, though.” Frankie whistles softly and Tina looks at her. Frankie says, “Well, you have to be careful taking tests like that online, but I don’t think that Ray…Barbie…would have intentionally influenced it. It is pretty easy to manipulate it, if you are so inclined. That is why a real shrink is so important. Anyway, a score that high means that there is NO doubt that Barbie is a fully transgendered woman. My score was barely over 300 and I thought I had issues. I am surprised that you have stayed sane!”