Family Tragedies & Secrets Pt 02

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Got the first two "flashes" of this done already, and I'll *try* (no promises!) to put one out per day... Okay, here's part 2

Family Tragedies and Secrets
Part 02
by Edeyn Hannah Blackeney

 

"Wait. You're not serious. My mother?"
"I'm afraid so, young man. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you."
"But that's impossible. I was two years old and we'd just moved here from Wisconsin. There's no way my mother was in Florida when you say. So she's not guilty. Look, I've seen the cop shows, I know you people just want to close annoying cases. Ask Matt... er... Mr. Tomkins, he lives next door and has all my life. And he's her fiancé!"
"We already have. I'm sorry, Jeff, but from the time table he gave us, if your mother lied about —“
“Shut your filthy mouth! Don't you DARE call my mother a liar, asshole! She was just killed yesterday in a burglary by a guy that you people let go just the day before! Now, you're not only trying to turn her into a criminal, but insulting a dead woman, too? And you still haven't caught the guy that did it yet! I'm outta here.”
He explosively stood, knocking his char backwards, and stormed to the door. It was locked.
“Let me out! You can't keep me here, I told you I know how cops work!”
“Actually, we can. You have no relatives that you can think of, and we can't find any, either. You're technically a ward of the state, now,” calmly responded the detective. Then he nodded to the mirror in the room.
“Your neighbor explained how he was about to marry your mother, though, and offered to take you in. The judge is gonna allow it, but it's a temporary solution, at least.”
The door came unlocked with a -click- and Jeff ran out. Out of the room. Out of the building. Out of his mind with grief. Straight into the arms of Emily and Matt in the small park across the street from the police station. Then he let himself cry.

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Comments

Is this missing something?

Is there a part missing or is this just a type of style? Seems catchy so far.
hugs!
grover

Style, I guess

It's not going to be completely contiguous, and gonna be told in disconnected scenes

I hope it doesn't mess with people's sense of progression that badly, because I think this will be a nifty way to tell the story

Kool!

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing something. :) I'm not saying I'm clueless sometimes, but... *smiles* Trying new things is what's makes life fun. Write away my friend!
Hugs!
grover

Interesting start!

But could you please slow down a bit? First he is coming home and sees cop cars. Then he is somewhere else(at the police station?), his mother is dead and a neighbour is going to take him in. His dad most be dead as there are no relatives. But many things are not explained. How old is he? Does he go to school? What happened in between the homecoming and the police station?

The story idea is familiar (loss of family etc.), but also a good foundation for a unique story. So go for it!

I also like longer chapters, but that doesn't really matter if you just keep writing many shorter ones.

Hugs,
Sissy Baby Paula and Snowball (my toy puppy)