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Episode 16
(Thanks to everyone who gave an opinion on whether a chatty chapter would be okay.
This is purely a work of fiction. No one should assume that the psychotherapy session presented is at all professionally accurate.)
You’d expect that the first day after having a celebration of your birthday four days in a row would be a bit of a letdown, but for Stephanie it was quite possibly the worst day ever. She got out of bed that Monday morning feeling kind of low, knowing that it would be her last full day of wearing pretty things. Sure, she’d be a girl again every other week at dance class, and maybe she could still wear nightgowns to bed, but she’d be losing her nice long fingernails and possibly her earrings. At least they wouldn’t be cutting her hair off like Robin’s.
She spent an extra-long time in the bathtub, since Steven would probably be back to showers, enjoying the bubbles while she could. After drying off, she desperately rubbed lavender oil into her chest for so long that her nipples went from pink to red. She dressed in her new blue dress and wore all her garnet jewelry, and pinned her hair back with her shiny barrettes. She carefully did her makeup to look nice but not excessive, using a light touch but choosing black mascara and eyeliner instead of her usual brown, and even a little bit of eye shadow.
Because of Martin Luther King Day, her father was still home when she went down for breakfast, even though she was so late. He said she looked pretty and understood immediately that Stephanie wanted to go out with a bang. They didn’t have any special plans for the day, so after breakfast she just sat and read. In the middle of the morning, the phone rang and Mom talked to someone for a while and then came to turn on the TV.
The local news was showing a special press conference on the steps of Franklin Roosevelt Middle School. The School Superintendent came on and said that the contractors who were supposed to fix the damage said that it wouldn’t be ready on time for the scheduled reopening on Tuesday. It was going to be another two weeks. She said that they knew this would be too great an inconvenience for many of the students and their families, so the School Committee had held a special meeting, and spoke with representatives of the private schools in the area. They decided to use some of the insurance money to make vouchers available to pay for any Roosevelt student to attend an alternative school that would accept him or her.
Parents of Roosevelt students were invited to come down to the gymnasium, which had been rebuilt and was completely safe. Transcripts and student records would be available, as well as admissions people from the other schools, ready to meet with them. Mom got her coat and left, telling Dad she’d call him if she had any news. Stephanie got a stomachache and had to go lie down. This did not feel like a good thing.
Dad made lunch (cheese sandwiches and tomato soup) so she tried to eat something and only ate half a sandwich and a few slurps of soup before asking to be excused. He tried challenging her to some Nintendo after lunch, but she just went back to her room.
Mom came home late in the afternoon and had big news. Steven had been accepted into St. Philip’s Academy for Boys. He’d just need to go in for a brief interview in the morning, and then it would be all set.
Stephanie’s face fell when she heard. “Is there a way to get out of it? I don’t want to go there.”
Dad jumped in. “Now your mother just spent hours standing in lines in a stuffy gym and that’s what you have to say? St. Philip’s is an excellent school. Ok, they’re Catholic. So you’ll have to sit through some religion classes about dogma we don’t necessarily believe in. But is that so bad?”
Stephanie’s voice went up a little. “You don’t understand. I can’t go there!”
Mom tried to reach out a comforting hand, but it was turned away. “Honey, I’m sorry. But that’s your only option. Maybe once you’ve tried it it won’t be so bad.”
Tears were welling up. “Isn’t there something else we could do? Please!”
Dad made another attempt. “Tell us what your problem with St. Philip’s is, and maybe we can help you find a way to make it work.”
Stephanie’s sobs were making her speech less coherent. “That’s where … Tim and Josh … They saw … but if … think he’s … can’t let … destroy him!”
He took a guess at what she was talking about. “Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll make new friends at the new school.”
“I can’t go there!” Stephanie shrieked. She was starting to hyperventilate. “They met … girl … so if … boy … Brian … ruined.”
Mom took a turn. “Oh! You’re saying Brian goes to St. Philip’s? But he’s been spending time with you dressed as a girl, and you don’t know if he’d still want to be friends when you’re dressed as yourself again? Don’t be silly. He knows you’re really a boy.”
“No!” She screamed and ran upstairs, locking herself in her room. They left her alone for a few hours while they discussed what to do. After a while there was a knock on her bedroom door. They tried to talk through the door, but it wasn’t working. Dad got a key and unlocked it and they went in. Stephanie was sitting on the floor in the corner, her knees pulled up to her chest. She’d been crying and had raccoon eyes.
Her mother tried to walk over, but Stephanie shrank away, so she sat down on the bed instead. “Sweetie, I called and cancelled your appointment with St. Philip’s. If it’s going to effect you this strongly, we’ll find another solution.”
Stephanie sniffled and relaxed a little. “Really?”
“Your father and I talked it over, and we think this whole girl/boy thing has been a lot tougher on you than we’d realized. We’re worried about you. Your father heard about a doctor who we think might be able to help you, help us all really, so we can figure out where we go from here.”
“A doctor?”
“A psychiatrist. She specializes in kids like you.”
“You think I’m crazy? Are they going to lock me up?” Stephanie tried to hide deeper in the corner.
“Oh, Honey! No, not at all. You’re not crazy, but we think you might be a little mixed up. Seeing you there, it’s clear that you’re hurting and we’d never want you to. If you had a stomachache, we’d take you to the stomach doctor. But since you’ve got an emotional pain, we want to take you to an emotion doctor. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah, I guess.” Stephanie wiped her nose on her hand. “So do I have to be a boy or a girl when I go to the doctor?”
“Sweetie, you can wear whatever would make you the most comfortable.” Mom slowly walked over to Stephanie and reached down and touched her shoulder. She quickly swiveled and grabbed her mother, turning it into a full hug. “Now let’s get you cleaned up and then we can go downstairs for something to eat. I sent your Dad to get Chinese Takeout. Feel like sesame chicken?”
They had an awkward and cautious dinner. Dad brought the totes with Steven’s clothes in them up from storage, so he could wear them on Tuesday, if that was his choice. Stephanie opted to go to sleep in her nightgown, since it was more comfortable. She considered skipping her tea tree oil treatment for the night, but she decided that it would have made all that previous effort pointless if she stopped before getting any results.
The appointment with the doctor was in the morning, so there wasn’t a lot of time after the bath to decide whether to be a boy or a girl. Stephanie opted to wear girl clothes since her fingernails were too long to be a boy’s, but she played it safe by picking her most boyish things. She wore one of her training bras without padding and its matching panty. Over that she put on her nice jeans and her long-sleeved red t-shirt. In case it got cold, she layered her blue cardigan over that. She put her feet in plain white ankle socks and her pink sneakers.
She kept the little hoops she slept in in her ears, and wore her charm bracelet for luck, but that was it for jewelry. She wore her hair loose without any accessories in it, and almost didn’t wear any makeup. But it felt weird not to at least put on some lip gloss. She threw her things in her pink handbag, and took one last check in the mirror before going to find her mother. Even in almost boy clothes her reflection still shouted “girl.” She was still more feminine than Elizabeth Patterson, who had the tomboy look down perfectly.
Mom said she looked cute, and didn’t seem at all surprised to see that she still had a daughter instead of a son. She could tell Stephanie was nervous, and held her hand in the car. The doctor’s office was way over in Wallace. Apparently there weren’t enough psycho-freak girlboys for a more local practice. Stephanie focused on trying to stay calm.
It was a small medical building where several doctors shared offices. They hung up their coats and then they went over to a desk with this sweet old lady was the receptionist, and Mom said they were the Brooks, and had an appointment with Dr. Howard at ten. The lady said they were a little early and told them to have a seat. Stephanie tried flipping through a magazine, but her nerves wouldn’t let her. After waiting for what felt like a forever and a half, the receptionist called them.
Dr. Penelope Howard didn’t look like a real doctor. She was old, probably older than Mom, with shortish red hair and little square glasses. She was kind of heavy, and wore a big purple dress with yellow flowers on it. She led them to her office, which was kind of like Grandma’s living room with a couple tall chairs and a low couch facing a chair for the doctor. She didn’t have a desk or anything between her and the patient like they do in movies; she just had a little table off to the side with her notes and stuff.
She shook both their hands and said she’d spoken with Dad the day before, and he’d told her the general gist of the matter, but she wanted to hear it in person. She asked Mom what was the crisis that had brought them to her.
Mom was a little uneasy. “Shouldn’t we discuss this in private, just the two of us?”
The doctor shook her head. “For me, the most important thing in building a working doctor/patient relationship is trust. So I don’t want your child to think that you and I are sharing secrets and talking about her behind her back.” She turned to Stephanie. “You understand? I won’t be keeping anything from you.”
Stephanie nodded.
Mom took a deep breath, and then related the whole long story of how Steven got into trouble and was punished by making him dress up as Stephanie until school started, and then when she told him she’d gotten Steven into St. Philip’s, he freaked out. Mom really wanted the doctor to tell her that she hadn’t broken her child.
Dr. Howard gave her a reassuring smile. “Now I wouldn’t say that this unusual punishment was a great judgment call on your part, but it doesn’t seem like you did anything so traumatic that irreversible damage has been done to Stevie here’s psyche.”
Stephanie’s head tilted. “Stevie?”
“Sometimes your mother called you Steven in her story, and sometimes Stephanie. To make it easier, I figured I’d just call you Stevie, if that’s okay with you. It could be a nickname for Steven, like Stevie Wonder, or for Stephanie, like Stevie Nicks. (If you don’t know who those people are, raid your mom’s music collection when you get home.) Is it okay with you if I call you Stevie?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“All right then, Stevie. Do you think you could tell me why you got so upset yesterday at the idea of going to boys’ school?”
“Um, it wasn’t the boy thing. It was that I specifically didn’t want to go to St. Philip’s.”
“Oh, I stand corrected. What was it about that school in particular?”
“I met some boys that go there as a girl and if they knew I was a boy it would be bad.”
“I can see how that would be very embarrassing. If you could have explained that to your parents instead of throwing a tantrum I’m sure they would have understood.”
“I tried, but they weren’t listening.”
Mom tried to interrupt, but the doctor held up a finger to make her wait. “The way your father sounded on the phone last night, it seemed like there might be something more going on here.”
“I don’t know.”
“Can you apologize to your mother for your part in the miscommunication of the school issue?”
“Okay.” Stephanie turned to her mother. “I am sorry, Mom. I thought I told you and I guess I didn’t. It was like everything was falling apart.” She gave her a hug and didn’t want to let go. A couple of tears ran down her cheek.
Her mother held her and said, “I’m sorry too, Honey.” When they let go, she looked over, “I’m sorry to waste your time, Doctor. It seems like we overreacted. I suppose we can go now?”
Dr. Howard frowned. “Well, yes and no. I’ve got you scheduled for the full two hours I usually take with new patients, so if you could, I’d like you to go back to the waiting room, and I’ll talk alone to Stevie some more about this whole ‘boy vs. girl’ situation. Maybe we can figure out if there were some deeper emotions happening yesterday.”
“If you really think it’s necessary. I suppose I could.” She looked at her child. “Will you be okay alone talking with the doctor? I’ll be right outside; I’m not abandoning you.”
Part of Stephanie wanted to run off with her Mommy, but there was another part that thought that maybe the doctor could help with her confusion. “I guess I’ll be all right.”
Once Mom had left, the doctor started. “So, tell me what it’s been like for you having to dress like a girl everyday.”
“At first, I thought it was going to be tough. But after a couple of days being a girl, it just kind of got easier. There’s even some stuff that isn’t so bad.”
Dr. Howard could tell that her new patient was quite ready to open up completely. “You know, it isn’t bad or wrong if you actually liked something about life as Stephanie.”
Stephanie looked up at the doctor plaintively, her forehead wrinkled in worry. “It doesn’t make me some kind of gay sissy weirdo?”
The doctor shook her head. “No, it doesn’t. It makes you a three-dimensional human being. There's no shame for a male to get in touch with his feminine side. And I won't tell anyone you don't want me to."
Stephanie mumbled, “Okay.”
"So, was there anything about your time in dresses that you enjoyed?”
She looked at her shoes before answering. Would the doctor think she was weird if she told everything? “Um, I guess I kind of liked it that people kept telling me I was pretty. Not even family ever really told me how I looked when I was a boy, but as a girl even strangers say I'm cute.”
“I can see how that could make you feel good. Did it make you want to put more effort into looking pretty, so you’d get more compliments?” "Dr. Howard's warm smile was reassuring"
“Um, would it make me sound stuck-up or something if I said yes?”
“It’s not stuck-up to take pride in one’s appearance. I see you sitting there and it’s clear to me that your hair is neatly styled, and your manicure is flawless, and you’ve expertly applied your lip gloss. Those kinds of things take a lot of practice to get right, and it shows that you were willing to work hard to look pretty. I think that’s an admirable quality.”
Stephanie blushed. “Thanks. Usually I wear something nicer like a pretty dress or a skirt, but I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be a boy or a girl today.”
Dr. Thomas noted on her pad that Stephanie kept phrasing it as “being a girl,” not pretending to be one or merely dressing up as one. She still wasn’t ready to make a diagnosis, though. “If you’d gone to the school today like your mother had originally wanted, yesterday would have been your last day in a pretty dress. Could that have been what was bothering you?”
Stephanie loudly took a deep breath in frustration. “No. I thought I explained what was bothering me. Mom wanted me to go to St. Philip’s and that would have destroyed Brian and I couldn’t do that.”
The doctor looked up in surprise. She flipped back through her notes. “You had said you were worried about being found out by some boys. Who is Brian and why would that have ‘destroyed’ him?”
Stephanie put a hand to her mouth too late. “Do I have to tell you?”
“It sounds like it’s important, so it would probably be useful to me, if I am to help you understand what’s happening to you.”
“Okay, but you can’t tell my Mom.”
The doctor leaned forward, as if sharing a secret of her own. “I’ll only share what you tell me in here with your mother if I think something is dangerous or harmful to you. Otherwise, your confidentiality is guaranteed by law. You can ask your father about the rules concerning doctors and patients. Even though you’re a minor, I’m under no obligation to tell your parents any of your private thoughts.”
Stephanie brightened a little now that she felt safe. “When I was in the Christmas pageant, this boy at church said that I was cute and asked me over to his house for New Year’s as like a practice date.”
Dr. Howard just nodded and gestured for her to continue.
“But when I went to Brian’s it felt more like a real date than a pretend one, and my sister had told me that couples are supposed to kiss at midnight as some kind of tradition thing, so we had a midnight kiss.” Stephanie was turning a little red and couldn’t look at the doctor while she was talking. “And before going to sleep we kissed a few more times, and even tried a kind he said was from France.”
“How did kissing this boy make you feel?”
“Um, I don’t know. It was a little scary at first, but I was being a girl on a date, and girls on dates kiss boys, so it just seemed like the right thing to do.” Stephanie bit her lip hesitantly. “But if I just stopped thinking about it, I kind of liked it. We did some more kissing the next morning.” Stephanie was afraid she wouldn’t have the guts to tell the rest of the story if she kept stopping for the doctor to ask questions, so she in one breath she added, “So then a couple weeks later he asks me over to just play videogames and hang out, and I get there and there’s these other two boys Tim and Josh who are his friends from school, and they let slip that when he went back to school he told them he’d kissed a girl over vacation and they wanted proof or something so he had us all over at the same time, and I was kind of mad but he said he was sorry and he just looked so cute I forgave him and he said I was his girlfriend and that was way cool and I kissed him in front of the other guys and so that’s why I couldn’t go to school with them, because his friends would think that Brian was a gay pervert, and he’d be ruined!”
Stephanie’s tears of frustration were starting to return, so the doctor handed her a tissue. “Wow. That’s quite a story. I understand why you’re worried for Brian, but I notice that you didn’t show any concern for your own reputation. Are you also afraid that they’d call you a ‘gay pervert’ too?”
Stephanie wiped her nose and pulled her little mirror out to make sure her lip gloss wasn’t smudged. “Tim and Josh are Brian’s friends, not mine, so I really don’t care what they think of me. At whatever school I go to they’re going to think I’m weird anyway, so it doesn’t matter.”
“What makes you say that?”
Stephanie shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just the way it’s always been. I don’t really fit anywhere. Like, I’m too smart for the dumb kids; I spend most of class drawing in my notebook, but I get decent grades anyway. They tried to put me in with the smart kids and I wasn’t smart enough and they bounced me back. I just keep to myself mostly, sitting in the back and staying quiet.”
Penelope’s heart went out to this poor child, but she tried not to let her concern show too much. Stevie was so worried about not being normal that it would be dangerous to call attention to how significant that kind of social isolation could be. “Do you have any friends that you see during school, or even outside of school hours?”
Stephanie brightened some. “That’s one of the cool things about being a girl — I’ve made a lot of friends. I wasn’t really close to anyone before, but now I not only have a boyfriend, but there’s this girl Debbie from church who’s always texting me, and there’s this little kid Robin who’s a boy that wants to be a girl who’s almost like a little sister to me, and I’m closer to my actual sister than we ever were before. And I’m not sure if you’d call them friends, but I’m in my cousin’s wedding party and the other bridesmaids are always cool with me during dance class. I might even get to babysit the flower girl for the MOH.”
“And there wasn’t anyone you felt you could call a ‘friend’ before? That’s interesting. Do you think the person you present to the world when you’re acting female is somehow friendlier?” She took some more notes.
“I don’t know. I think it might be because when I have to be a girl I’m almost always asking myself how a girl would act. Well, more at first, but even now sometimes I do. Maybe I just think girls are friendly, so my idea of what a girl is is smiling and stuff? I never really thought about it.”
“You seem very mature and self-aware. That makes yesterday’s tantrum even more unusual. I suppose that’s a reflection of very strong feelings for this Brian. To explore that, I’d like to ask you some questions that might be a little uncomfortable, but please try to be honest. Did you ever kiss a boy before you dressed as a girl?”
“Eww, no.” Stephanie couldn’t meet the doctor’s eyes and had to look to the side. “Brian’s the only boy I’ve kissed, and it was only because I was a girl and that’s what girls do.”
Dr. Howard nodded. “Did you ever think about kissing boys before?”
Stephanie was getting a little irritated. “No! I’m not gay or anything like that; I’m just being a girl and girls have boyfriends, so I have one.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“It’s okay if you are. I’m not here to judge you. We’re trying to figure out how to help you, and so I needed to know how you feel about sexually, and I know it’s uncomfortable talking about things like that, especially with a grownup you just met, but it is important. Do you understand?”
Stephanie relaxed slightly. “I guess so.”
“All right, so I hear you saying that you were just pretending to be a girl when you kissed that boy, but earlier you mentioned that you liked kissing him and it felt good. So you may have kissed him for pretend reasons, but it doesn’t sound like you had pretend emotions. What you feel inside is always real.”
“Are you saying I actually am gay?” Stephanie’s voice was trembling.
“Don’t worry about labeling things. It’s perfectly normal for someone like you just on the beginning of adulthood to do some exploration. Maybe you’ll end up only having boyfriends in your life; maybe you’ll end up with mostly girlfriends; maybe you’ll have a few of each. But try not to get too hung up on whether to think of yourself as gay or straight for now. Like your boyfriend Brian, for instance — if he knows that you’re a boy in a dress, when he’s kissing you, is he gay or straight?”
“I never really thought about that. I figured since I was a girl, he was a normal guy. But I guess he did know my secret, so what does that mean?”
“It could be that he’s just experimenting, too. I can’t tell you what he’s feeling; I’ve never talked to him. Could you imagine wanting to kiss him when you’re dressed like a boy?”
“No way.” Stephanie tried to picture it, and it just seemed gross. She made an “icky” face.
“Okay, I’ll drop it for now. How about girls? Have you ever kissed a girl, or wanted to?”
“That’s kind of funny, actually.” Stephanie smiled. “I had a birthday party last Saturday with a bunch of girls from our old church, and we were talking about kissing boys in the girls’ room, and Elizabeth Patterson kissed me to see what it was like or something. But I think she’s gay. She dresses like a boy, and her present was a cool box she’d made in wood shop.”
Penelope sighed. She’d just finished explaining that labeling wasn’t productive and here’s her patient calling someone “gay.” Sometimes she regretted specializing in juveniles. “It could be that she’s a tomboy. Not all girls have to be extremely feminine all the time. And our society makes it a little easier for them than it is for boys who don’t want to be masculine. So, how did it feel to kiss a girl?”
“Well, I wasn’t expecting it, so it felt weird. She was a little more forceful than Brian, but it didn’t hurt or anything. It was kind of exciting, I guess. But I’d rather kiss my boyfriend.”
“When you say it excited you, do you mean sexually?”
“Huh?” Stephanie had a blank look.
“Did kissing her make you aroused?”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“I know you keep your penis tucked away when you’re dressed as a girl, but did you get an erection, or could you feel it trying to?”
Stephanie turned red once it was clear what the doctor was talking about. “I’ve never had one, so I don’t know what it feels like, but I don’t think so. Brian had one once while we were kissing, but I didn’t.”
Penelope wasn’t sure if the lack of physiological arousal was typical in a pre-teen experimenting sexually. She’d have to consult the books and maybe ask an expert. “Oh. I suppose that covers all my sexuality questions for today. Let’s change the subject. Is there anything else besides kissing and dating that you’ve enjoyed as a girl that you weren’t able to do as a boy?”
“I really like being able to look nice. Girls have a lot more options in what they can wear, and they can change makeup and hair and stuff. It’s just so much better than being a boy and putting on any old shirt and pants and you’re done.”
The doctor took some more notes. “That is true. Women’s fashions do come in a wider range of styles. But it also sounds like you never really took put much effort into your appearance back when you were wearing boy clothes. Why do you think that was?”
“I don’t know. I was just lazy before? It was like I was just average as a boy, and now everybody says I’m real pretty as a girl, so I kind of don’t want to let them down.”
Penelope thought that maybe Steven’s lack of concern for how he looked was related to his general social isolation. And apparently with a change in gender affect, both traits were reversed. A selfish whim in the back of her head thought he’d make an excellent case study, but the front of her head just really wanted to help this poor messed-up kid. It was difficult maintaining clinical distance. In her heart she wanted nothing more than to give Stevie a hug. “Is there anything in particular that you used to do when you wore male clothes that you can’t do in female clothes, that you miss doing?”
Stephanie thought hard, tilting her head to the side and biting her lower lip while twirling a lock of hair around her finger, in a perfectly natural feminine pose that the doctor thought seemed unlikely to have been learned. Wrinkling her forehead, Stephanie said, “I can’t think of anything. I was never a real ‘boy boy.’ I didn’t play sports or anything, and I wasn’t the kind of guy to go play in the mud and catch frogs or whatever. I liked to draw, but girls can draw too. I haven’t drawn the same stuff since I became a girl, but I probably could. I liked to take models and build them into other stuff, and I haven’t done that lately, but I didn’t have any to work with. I don’t know if that’s a boy thing or a girl thing. I do a lot of reading, and I can do that as a girl. I’ve been borrowing my sister’s books.” She shrugged. “There’s a lot more stuff I do as a girl that I didn’t do as a boy than the other way around.”
“What other things are you able to do as a girl that you can’t do as a boy?”
“Well, I’m enjoying my dance class, even though my partner is sometimes a jerk. I guess I could have taken the class as a boy but the only reason I’m there is because I’m a junior bridesmaid. So I only got the chance because I was a girl. It’s also kind of easier dancing the girl’s part. You just have to follow along with what the boy is doing, but the boy actually has to figure out what to do next and he has to steer you around the room.”
“I’ve never heard that take on it before. Usually you hear the opposite, that it’s easier to lead when dancing. Like they say Ginger Rogers had to do everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.”
“Who?”
“Never mind. So, you’re currently learning the female role in ballroom dancing, and you’re enjoying it? Do you think you’d want to learn the male part eventually?”
“I don’t know. I think the boy’s side of things might be more work and less fun. And you wouldn’t get to wear pretty dresses and fancy grownup shoes. I guess I’ll have to see if I’ve got a reason to take dance lessons as a boy in the future.” Stephanie shrugged. “Anyway, that’s just one of the good things about being a girl. There’s a bunch more stuff I never did before. Like, my mom’s been making me do a lot of cleaning around the house, which isn’t so great. I don’t like dusting. But along with it, she’s been teaching me how to cook so I can help out in the kitchen. It’s really cool; it’s like making something that didn’t exist before, and I get to make my family happy. It’s nice to be useful.”
“Well you know, you don’t have to be a girl to cook. Flip on the Food Network some time, and you’re as likely to see a man as a woman hosting the show. For every Rachael Ray, there’s an Emeril Lagasse. Men have been chefs for years, from famous restaurateurs like Wolfgang Puck and Paul Prudhomme to old school TV guys like Graham Kerr. My mother was a big fan of Jeff Smith, the Frugal Gourmet. She has all his cookbooks.”
Stephanie’s eyes widened. “Jeff Smith wrote cookbooks? The Bone guy? I love his stories! I’ve gotten them all out of the library over and over again, even though I know what’s going to happen. I just really like the way he draws, and the characters are so cool! Thorn is so pretty and sweet, and the Dragon is just awesome. I even tried to read Moby Dick to see why Fone Bone thinks it’s so great, but it was way too boring. My Dad tried to take me fishing once, and I did not like it, and reading about trying to catch a bigger fish didn’t make it any more interesting. So I’m not sure if we’re supposed to think that in their universe Moby Dick is a better book, or if it’s supposed to show that Fone Bone isn’t perfect because his favorite book is this boring fishing story. Sometimes I think Smiley is easier to relate to. My favorite character is Ted the Bug, because he’s so easy to draw but somehow he still has a personality. I copied him over and over until I could get it right, and then I went on to the other guys. But, yeah. Jeff Smith is probably mostly what inspired me to try to draw my own comics.”
“Um, I think the communication lines got a little crossed here, but it’s good to see you excited about something. I’ll have to look up this other Jeff Smith and see what he’s all about. You never said anything about drawing comics before. How long have you been doing it?”
Stephanie’s hand went to her mouth. “Oops. I wasn’t going to talk about that. I like to think of them as my secret comics.”
Penelope made some more notes. “Why is that? Do you write about things in there you don’t want people to know about?”
“I don’t know. I just like having something that’s just mine.”
“Can you tell me at least what they’re about? Do you have some superhero fighting bad guys or something?”
“Sort of, but not really. It’s more of a magic story than a super story. There’s this kid Sam who has the power to make things happen in dreams, but there’s a monster that wants that power for himself, so Sam’s parents use a magic amulet to open a doorway to another world. For the most part it’s about Sam’s adventures in that other world.”
“That sounds very creative. Do you think maybe you could let me see just one of them next time you come here?”
“Next time?” Stephanie wasn’t expecting that.
The doctor explained that she thought it would take a few more sessions to figure out the best way to help Stephanie shrugged and said it was okay. They were almost out of time, so she called Mom back in and said that she wasn’t ready to make any kind of diagnosis yet, but there definitely seemed to be some issues that merited exploring. Stephanie would be coming back on Tuesdays and Fridays for at least the next couple weeks, and they’d plan on Steven going back to school at Roosevelt when it reopened on February 6th, hopefully without any more tantrums.
In the mean time, she gave Stephanie some “homework.” The doctor said that her impression was that Stephanie had gained a lot of social connections and Steven was probably afraid of losing all that when he went back to male attire. So the goal was to integrate the good stuff into Steven’s life. The doctor wanted Steven to wear some boy clothes for at least a couple hours a day, during which he was supposed to do something that he’d enjoyed as a girl while dressed like a boy. Also, Stephanie was supposed to do something that Steven enjoyed as a boy while dressed in girl clothes at least once a day. And Mom needed to make sure Steven still helped out around the house when he wasn’t being Stephanie, especially in the kitchen.
They agreed that the doctor’s requests seemed reasonable, and they were smiling as they drove home.
Comments
This is a sensitive and insightful story.
It doesn't really seem like Stephanie wants to change back into a boy much, especially since She's using Tea Tree oil to grow breasts. I think she needs to make some mental connections here. :)
I don't think I like the Doctor much.
Gwen
We've known Stephanie
longer than her shrink, so it might take a while for her to see that Stephanie is a stronger character than Steven. I'm surprised she didn't ask the child if he/she saw her/himself as a boy or a girl and what they thought they wanted to be.
Good touch with the interview with the mother with Stephanie present, and the reason for not wanting to go to the boy's school, compromising her 'boyfriend'.
More please Jennifer.
Angharad
Angharad
Stephanie's Deal-16
Good chapter exploring Stephanie's outlook. The doctor's homework is a good idea, but if she knew about Stephanie's other secret, I wonder what she'd say?
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
A really fine chapter
I really enjoyed reading this episode, and didn't think until the very end that this was the one you'd asked about (dialog vs. description). It was yet another example of your fine writing, and I think a lot more about Stephanie's feelings than we've seen up to now.
I also like the way you show the psychologist as an outsider to the experience... as much as she *does* understand, there are things that she misses. Some of it's from not knowing Stephanie or Steven, but there's more as well... Still, the doctor's attempt to break the child free of labeling, and push S and the family into experimenting is a good approach.
Very Nice Chapter Jennifer
The dialogue with the psychiatrist worked really well. The reference to Jeff Smith (the frugal gourmet) brought back memories. We used to watch him all the time. I don't know the new one though.
interesting
very interesting, i like what i am reading so far, but i see stevie liking the new role a little more then she thinks she does. i think deep down inside she really relates better with others and her self, then she does as a boy.