Maiden 'gina

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A young bridegroom’s life is twisted around by an ancient magic ring.

Karen burst into Scott’s room at 7:30 am and dragged him out of bed, where he’d been planning to stay all weekend. He regretted giving her a key to his place. "Come on, we don’t want to get there too late or all the good stuff will be gone!" He gave her a confused look. "I told you about this last Wednesday; Becky told me about this massive Flea Market they run in the fairgrounds outside of town the third Saturday of every month. I’d been worrying that our wedding is in two weeks and I still don’t have my Something Old, and she told me she’d seen some cool antique jewelry there before, so that’s why you have to get up now, Mr. Lazybones!"

She made him get dressed without a shower and then rushed him to the car without his morning coffee. He hoped married life wouldn’t be like this every day. It took forever to find a parking space at the fairgrounds and she merely used that as proof that they needed to be earlier.

And then she made him walk all over the place, little folding table after little folding table all covered in useless junk! At least he found a catering truck where he could get a tiny Styrofoam cup of coffee. They had walked down what must have been the fifty-third row of crappy stuff, when a voice called out to them, "I have what you look for!" They looked to see who was talking and saw a wizened old man with a face that resembled the dried-apple-headed dolls that were being sold four rows over.

Scott wanted to just pass by, but Karen moved in for a closer look at what he was selling. She asked, "How do you know what we’re looking for?"

The little old man, smiled showing that more than a few of his teeth were missing. His accent made her think he was probably not born anywhere around here. "I see you, Pretty Lady, with a sparkly ring on your left hand, but only one. That tell me you going to be married. Is this your man here, that you pulling around like dog? He very lucky to get you for wife."

"All that’s exactly right! You’re very observant! So since you know me so well, what is this thing you want to sell me?" She looked at the various trinkets strewn across his stall. They all seemed exotic but maybe a little grungy, but she didn’t want to be rude to the nice old man.

He brought out a nicely carved wooden box and slid some panels around until it opened, and pulled out a small blue silk pouch. "I have something to give you what every bride should have." He leaned forward and while blushing slightly added in a conspiratorial whisper, "Maiden vagina."

Scott thought he heard "Made in China," and tried to get Karen to skip this guy’s sales pitch for some piece of cheap crap, but she’d been hooked.

"What is it?" she asked him, equally confused by his phrasing.

"Many year ago, in a country far from here, there live beautiful Princess. She loved riding her horse, and spent much time in barn with it. Boy who live in barn and care for horse spend much time with Princess, and they fall happily in love and she spend many secret nights in barn. But Princess have Father who need to make deal to stop war with next country over, so he agree to give Princess to neighbor Prince. Girl happy with Boyfriend and not want Prince, so she tell Mother she can not marry Prince, because she already been with Boyfriend. If Prince find out, deal might be off and war happen. But Mother know of ancient magic. She spin two strings, one silver, one gold, and pull Dragon Spirits down from sky. Weaving threads together, she bind Dragons to do her will, making this magic ring." He opened the pouch and pulled out the ring holding it so Karen could see. It was made of intricate filigree and looked like a pair of intertwined serpentine dragons. "When Princess wear this ring on night before wedding, dragons come in her sleep and cleanse her, body and mind, and purify her soul. So when she given to Prince, she seem innocent and he no start war. This work magic for you, too. You wear night before wedding, it will make you pure for new husband, like every man want his bride to be."

Karen looked at Scott. "Honey, is that really what all men want? A pure innocent bride?"

He’d only been half-listening to the old guy, so he answered the question he thought she was asking. "Yeah, sure. You’ll look pretty in white."

Karen gave a little frown and shrugged. "I guess some kind of purification would be good for starting a new life. How much does it cost?"

"For a sweet girl like you, only forty dollars!" She held out her hand and he passed the ring to her, so she could get a better look at it.

She tried it on her right index finger, and fit nicely. She saw that the dragons could slide against eachother and spin around her finger, although the ring never split apart. It was an interesting piece of jewelry, even if it did have a ridiculously sexist legend attached to it. She showed it to Scott. "I think it looks nice. What do you think? Could this work as my Something Old?"

Scott agreed, even though he figured it came out of some Chinese factory last week. He knew that the sooner Karen found something, the sooner he could get out of there. He held up her hand and took a good look. "I think it suits you. Go for it."

She got her wallet out of her purse and handed the money to the old man. He gave her the pouch to hold her new treasure. "Wear it the night before your wedding, or any other night you wish to be purified. I wish you a long and happy future together."

They thanked him and moved on, and Scott was ready to go but Karen still wanted to explore the flea market some more. Eventually she got as tired of walking around as he was, and she drove them back to his apartment. It was lunchtime by this point so he threw a frozen pizza in the oven.

While it was cooking, she took out her new ring to show him how it moved. He thought it was actually kind of cool and played with it for a while himself. When the oven timer went off, he stuck it on his little finger to go get lunch ready.

Lunch was okay, although Karen would have preferred something healthier. "Next time you go grocery shopping, get one of those bags of salad and serve it with your pizza. But I appreciate having a man who cooks." She started getting a little frisky but then she caught the clock on his VCR in the corner of her eye. "Oh crap! It’s almost 2:00. I’m supposed to meet mom and Becky at the florists at 2:30! I’ve got to go. Sorry to rush out right when we were getting to the good parts, Honey. I love you! I’ll call you later." She kissed him and grabbed her purse and ran out.

As he heard her tires squeal, he noticed he still had her ring on his pinky. Scott decided he should put it in a safe place so as not to lose it before he saw her again, but since its little pouch didn’t seem to be anywhere in the room he decided to leave it on his finger, after tugging on it and realizing it was a pretty tight fit and unlikely to fall off. But since the morning took away his Saturday leisure time, he now had his afternoon free and figured it was a good time to take a nap. He kicked off his shoes, loosened his belt, and collapsed on top of his covers.

***

As she was contentedly swimming the spiritual oceans between realities, Chunhua felt a sensation she hadn’t in a long time, even as time is reckoned by such as she. The enchanted thread was drawing her back to Earth. Eventually, she caught up to Guangli being likewise tugged on his line, and unlike her he was fighting it all the way. "You know that never works. Why do you even try?"

"I may be a slave to the weaving, but my heart is still free."

"Maybe we’ll get lucky and this will be the last time we are called. It feels like it has been a great while since we were needed."

"I knew it was a mistake to make that deal. You can never trust a Mortal."

"Our client must be close. I’m starting to sense her essence."

"Let us diffuse across the ethereal realms, then. Want to meet up when we’re done?"

"Certainly. I’ll bet I can finish faster than you this time!"

While their charge slept, the two dragon spirits set about their mission, making whatever changes were necessary to the energies that expressed themselves as what humans call reality.

Chunhua worked as fast as she could, but found the workload to be more than usual. She expected to find Guangli gloating at the rendezvous point, but was surprised to get there first. When he did get there, he was exhausted.

"This one was a mess! Normally, it’s just mend the broken hymen and I’m out of there, but this one didn’t even have remnants of one. I had to practically rebuild from scratch. Almost everything in the general area was in the wrong shape or location, and some were just plain missing. But it’s all a thing of beauty now. I hope her husband appreciates my work, and if she’s wise she’ll offer a few gifts to us at an appropriate shrine. Do they still have shrines down there? I haven’t gotten any adoration in a while. Anyway, I’m sure your job was easy. I can’t imagine that someone with her kind of deformity would have known many men."

"I certainly can. This girl’s mind was a nightmare! I had to edit almost all her memories — it seemed like she touched a penis almost every day! And don’t even get me started on the carnal thoughts! She was virtually obsessed with mating. I can understand why she needed our help. But she now has all the innocence every virgin bride should have. I get what you’re saying about shrines. In the old days we would have at least gotten flowers on the wedding day, but now they’ve almost forgotten us."

"So, see you in another hundred years?"

"Perhaps."

"It is always a pleasure."

"Farewell."

***

Scott woke up from his nap and felt strange. He felt an urgency in his bladder and went into the bathroom. He stood there, lowered his underwear and saw his vulva. It seemed oddly unfamiliar, which didn’t make sense — how could a part of his own body feel like it didn’t belong? Anyway, he couldn’t imagine what else he’d have expected to find there. He knew he must have urinated in the past but couldn’t remember what would come after standing in front of a toilet. He racked his brains and did remember that he’d sometimes emptied his bladder and bowels at the same time while sitting there, so he lowered the seat and turned around. That felt right, so he relaxed and let it flow. It still seemed weird, like he had never felt it running like that before, but it didn’t make sense. When he finished, he wiggled his hips around to shake the last few drops off, but that didn’t seem to work right, even though he was sure that was what he was supposed to do, but opted to use the toilet paper, since it was just hanging there conveniently. He chalked the creepy unfamiliar feeling off to pre-wedding jitters. After all he was getting married in two weeks to a wonderful girl. He was worried that he and Karen wouldn’t figure out what to do on their wedding night. He knew it was something important that would demonstrate how much they loved each other, but he drew a complete blank on the specifics.

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Comments

oh dear

kristina l s's picture

Might be an interesting get together when Karen drops round next. Scott will likely need more than coffee. Nice one.
Kristina

Oh My!

Oh My isn't Karen going to get a surprise! Poor Scot, he just had the worse run of luck just trying to do the right thing. This could be a stand along but I must admit to wanting to see how they deal with this!
Hugs Jennifer, well done!
grover

Very Clever

Nice twist on an old theme. Very well done.

It was an honor to have been mentioned

Thanks to whoever it was that threw me a vote. I knew that other story was a shoe-in to win the category, so to speak. I just didn't have time to finish anything longer before the deadline.

Anyone who cares to is welcome to continue this story, just throw an acknowledgement in my direction. I don't have any inspiration for a direction to take it in, and I'm busy working on other stuff.

Bet Scott will finally remember

Andrea Lena's picture

...to leave the seat down? Love this tale!


She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Dio benedica la mia bella amici

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

I can't understand -

why some writers have to spoil a good story by explaining in detail the procedure for sitting on a toilet and using their bladder and bowels?

Sorry Jennifer, could have been a lot better otherwise!

LoL
Rita

Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!
(Mark Twain)

LoL
Rita

An Oldie but A Goodie

joannebarbarella's picture

Thanks to Random Solos for pointing me at this. Poor Scott won't be pointing Percy at the porcelain in the immediate future.

Sitting is much nicer though, since you don't spill a drop or spray the walls. Hell-o-o-o Karen!

Houston, I guess we really do have a problem,

Joanne