The good news first. I passed at least one exam (19/25 so Yeuh ;) ) and I'm losing weight (double Yeuh :D )
Now the bad part. Everything, except school, I touch does a 'crash and burn'. and it's getting to me. . My Mom spending another 2 weeks in the hospital due to a little 'crise' didn't help. The general situation in the world isn't helping either ( thinking about a Heinlein quote right now).
So here I am just like during the first semester exams almost hitting the bottom and I got the feeling I'll keep on falling.
Today is the annual Belgian Pride ( or 'Roze Zaterdag' ( 'Pink Saterday" ) for my generation and older > few namechanges for the event over the years). The focus this year is / was (day is almost over) transgender rights. Sadly enough I wasn't able to go. Especially since I used to volunteer year in / year out for it.
Had my appointment with my psychiatrist today and walk away holding a box with 2 red diagonal bars on it. Wich will hold me for 20 days so way longer then the exams I'll be taking it for.
As of now money is tight (first month use my pension) and I don't see that that will change. Got about 60euro left for the rest of the month. *sigh* Good thing I'll probably have lesser bills next month ...
Received my first pension payment yesterday. After the standard bills (mortgage, elec/water, internet/phone, pets, ...) I got about 155 a month for food and medical left. Can't count the tax return at the moment as it's going straight to school at the moment ( the little that's left to pay) and some 'end of the year bills' (healthinsurance, hosting, cloathing, ... ) and no clue for this and next year due to end of contract (2015) and out process (2016) payments.
Well the amount of pension I'll receive has been approved as well as the first date of payment (end of April for April, backpayment of March somewhere in May). It's around what I estimated. So good (not enough for an happy dance).
On another positive note. Due to the fact I haven't got a bachelor degree I can ask for student support which doesn't impact my pension. (which is good enough for a happy dance > going to school almost for free till I get a bachelor and Uni / College is now manageable).
It's a conspiracy I say. Although it's a a sad one. Tom Waits Traubert's Blues, Dougie's Loch Lomond, The Dubliners Parting Glass, 99% of the fan fiction I'm reading on AOO, ... *ad's a dozen of so different things* And then I just have to look at the pets ...
L
*and the migraine isn't helping either*
PS Need more 'happy' F/F or at least with an happy ending (grrr all main char. deaths)
PPS still trying to figure out how I'm still functioning, more or less, in school at the moment.
Well, step 2 is done so I phoned the service that actually is going the pay my pension. Got at least 2 to 3 months before they'll finish the paperwork. which means no income for March, April and probably May with the possibility of even longer. Lucky I got some savings but it's coming close to forcing my hand ...
So that's 3A. 3B is getting my name published again in the 'Belgische Staatsblad' (no clue for the englisch translation)with me being retired from the Civil Service, but I'm told that's only a formality
Still don't know the exact amount I'll be getting in hand :(.
Doing a prep for my next appointment with my psychiatrist (probably going to reschedule the one for April 11th to an earlier date). Thinking about the future and words I associate with different paths.
And here I'm thinking I'm being me again a..k.a. weird due to the words I'm getting. OK maybe I'm too prideful ... *sigh* and I don't like me when I'm thinking about some things.
It's still not completely official due to red tape (still 3 or 4 steps left but the effect will be redated to March first) but here I am on the first day of my retirement with my head way out of the ballpark.
A part of the bagage I carry around where the comments my Ma made and one of her actions since the first time she found out I dressed (think I was about 8 years old at the time but it was going on from age 4 although I didn't life with her at that time). The action was the fact that there where no more hugs or any other comforting physical action. That hurt but it's the comments that screwed my up more. She basically told me I would end up only being good for working the streets in one way or another and she did this for about 7 years every time she caught me.
*sigh* My psychiatrist reprimanded me in the last session about me turning into a hikkikomori (my term, not hers). and today I put my FB-account on inactive :(. been heading back to depression country for a few weeks now.
Okay as I said in a previous blog, I had my day before the retirement commission (Pensioen Commissie > PC). No surprise I got the decision for medical retirement ... 37yo >sigh<.
Well one worry less for the moment. My results for the first semester are 70%, 80% and 80%. So 2 B's and 1 C isn't bad when I didn't study more then 8 hours total ( for 7 tests, 4 homework tasks and 3 exams) for the entire semester. (finishes what they call A-levels in the UK for the rest, years ago so only got the technical courses left).
Thursday it's the first day of the next semester but before that it's back for the retirement commission and work related stuff Tuesday >faceplam<. Here's hoping it will be the last one ...
Well my exams are over and now I'm just waiting on the points. Think I got everything but I won't know before the 29th.
Head 's cleared up a bit which is good and I spend Tuesday with my brother-in-law at the motor show in Brussels which also helped. And no, I didn't buy anything although I liked some of the light motorcycles a lot, BMW G310R anyone ;)
The way the 'upgrade' is done in David Webers Dahak universe.is an open door, I think, for a tg related storyline. At least I have seen similar plots around ... So I'm wondering if anyone has seen anything,
Well reading "The ties that bind" and, to put it blunt, pissed me of. so that I needed to shake it of. Not, to be to the point, that I hate it or that am angry at it. Just me being f****d as usual and letting my brain do her stuff >faceplam<
One reason I like reading and some tv-show /movies / anime , and that's forgetting music, is that my brain gives it an extra twist. My Mom used to say that when I watched a show, I was 'IN' the televionset instead of on the couch/floor where my body was. (was fun with the original Star Wars but hell with horormovies ).
I really don't need to start 2016 of with throwing things like mug around and boxing at walls ... Need to get calm and back down from being angry /frustrated/... Heck don't know if I'll be able to take my exams in 2 weeks like this which adding stress to the equation. Work, or shoud is say notwork, isn't helping either.
Been a while since I felt like a timebom with a lit fuse. Don't even know what I'm doing or even why I'm writing this post. Heck my laptop almost went flying. And that's because of a damn story I started reading today.
Well maybe it's because I'm not sleeping right (as in regulary and enough houres). But I got my eyes tearing up almost constantly at the moment. Crying at one moment, wishing for things an being jealous at another and laughing at reference and music at again another.
Well, not really new for this time of the year but it's a bit extreem this winter.
Seems I'm really back to the me of 20 years ago. The only difference is the fact I'm not having my gender issues which is good (post-op for 11 years now) although I'm still having body issues.
The bad? Well, my weirdness factor is going trough the roof. Can't seem to 'read' any situation. back to being afraid to walk out of the door (and no it's not agorafobia) and my mistrust due to not being able to 'read' thse situation I mentioned earlier is back t it peak. Not even going to start at the rest.
Well I'm a bit early with my New Year resolutions and it's only a few weeks ...
The angers and insecurity I had when I changed my username is still there but one of the things I'm trying is to see things more positive so a handle based on a vengeful red masked female demon was a bit to negative.
Torekka69 still keeps with the japanese / asian theme. Torekka's meaning is the simpler part of my new handle. A translation would be wanderer / rover / traveler. As in the fact that we all travel to live with it's up's and downs. Preferably up.
Okay, I'm going to be retired ( if I finally receive the paperwork ... ), so what am I going to do with the rest of my life??
As long as I have the pets, ..., well not mutch. Same with the house and the renovations.
So I go 2 track. One I find a job in the private sector that pays enough to keep the house and finish all the renovation. Then I''ll stay put overhere for probably the rest of my life.
Well, it's been a while. Not all downs but certainly not all ups but I was starting to mis this place.
Spend that year and a half doing some od jobs (intern here, personal assistant there,.. ) but HR said that the didn't see a permanent fix so I'll be retired now without any possible way to avoid it.
Well, the paperwork is on it's merry way but I couldn't stay still at home. So I'm doing a 2 year course for network technician. Doing well there (better then expected with a lot of teenagers in a class -> kind of community college).
Got a jobinterview comming up wit the Enviroment, Nature and Energie departement for an opening in their ICT division basically as a kind of gofer (doing the recycling of old 'units', maintaining the website, vendors, general support/helpdesk, serveradmin, etc.)
Checks can be made out & sent to:
Joyce Melton
1001 Third St.
Space 80
Calimesa, CA 92320
USA
Note: $6000 is the operating, maintenance and upgrade budget. Amounts received in excess of the $6000 will be applied to long term debt accrued over the last 19 years.
