Idol

Idol - 1993- Age 24

When I looked at the news or spoke with people, I could see how lucky I was. I did not have to worry about money. I had a family and a son that I loved and adored. My career was going well. The thing was that I was lucky that my comeback was a success. The last album did not sell as well as my albums did previously, but it was not considered a flop. The thing was that I had a comfortable life that most other people did not have. This made me grateful and felt that I was so lucky.

Still, it was like I was missing something. Considering the life and success that I had, I should have been the happiest man on Earth. This was not the case. I tried to think of what I needed. The only answer that I could come up with was that it was my identity that was a problem. While it is true that I accepted that I was not masculine and did not care what others thought of me, I wondered if this was good enough. I started getting information on what the doctor called female transition. It meant I would get rid of all my body hair, get breasts and have a more feminine face and body. While I was seriously considering doing this, Chloe did not want to hear about it.

"You will never be happy," she said, "I have known you from the time you were a child. You were always confused about who you were. One day you wanted to be a boy and another day you wanted to be a girl. You were always sensitive that others would accept you. I always thought that this was because your mother and granny could not accept you were a boy and your dad could not understand your girly side. Now you want to be a full sissy! Do you not even think of how this would affect our marriage and if I wanted these changes? Did you not consider that it would confuse Sebastian? Not only this, it would destroy your career. The world does not respect sissies and they do not want them as their idol or someone they looked up to."

Chloe was right, I had to respect her views and think of Sebastian. I also had to think of the image that was so important for my career. Besides this, there was so much happening in my life. My brother Ronny visited me which surprised me. He had not spoken with me for years. It did not surprise me that he just wanted money. He just had become a Dad himself. His girlfriend just had a baby daughter. I told him that I would not be giving him anything. He was always jealous of me and treated me like shit since I was a child. He only spoke to me when he wanted money. I did not owe him anything. Besides all this, he could use the money he got from being a pornstar.

I hired a new assistant to take care of all the practical things for me. I was so sad that Nick resigned and I knew that I missed him. The new assistant was my age and came from Ireland. His name was Justin and I chose him after he said that he was not a fan. I did not want someone to agree with everything that he said. He did look cute and I tried telling myself that this did not help his job application. It was obvious that he worked out at the gym. Chloe asked why did I hire a young man that was very cute and not some old geezer that had more qualifications. I am not sure if she believed me when I said that Justin was qualified.

I started to work once again on a new album. I told Cameron that I wanted this to be a party album and something that would make people smile and have fun. Maybe this is something that I needed at this stage of my life. When I told Cameron this, then he had a smile on his face. Doing the album was extremely fun. I asked Chloe if she wanted to be a backing singer. She refused. She even refused to do a duet. Nick agreed to be a backing singer. He said he needed the money. The best thing was that Sebastian was often at the recording sessions. If you listen closely to the songs, you can hear him giggling or trying to sing along. I told everyone this should not be edited out of the album. While there was nothing special about this album, it was one that I had the most fun with. Looking back at it, if we experimented a bit more and did not try to play it so safely, it would have been one of the greatest albums of the decade.

It was when we were recording this album that Cameron told me that he wanted to tell me something private. I was expecting something major or shocking when he said this. It turned out that he told me that he was gay. I gave him a hug and told him there was nothing wrong with that.

"I would ask you to keep this a secret," he said, "I am not ready for the world to know it. In a way, I feel lucky. I know many people that are gay and cannot even admit it to themselves. At least I can be at peace with myself." Cameron looked deep into my eyes as he said this.

I did not respect Cameron's wish to keep his secret to myself. I told Chloe. I did not think that this was wrong at the time. She was my wife and we share everything together. Chloe's answer shocked me. She told me that she always knew there was something strange about Cameron. She thought he was a pervert for being gay. She had no wish to have him help her with her albums. She did not want him around Sebastian either. I did not know how to respond. She always accepted that Nick was gay. She even knew that Nick and I were once together. Was Chloe changing to a woman that I no longer knew or understood? Was she now anti-gay and becoming a prude? All I knew is she was quite serious when she said that Cameron was not allowed to see our son.

It was also at this stage that an intruder was caught on our grounds at Kilmacoom. This worried me as I always felt safe there. Justin tried to convince me to see the positive side of the event. It would keep us in the media which was very important as I was planning a new album. People loved victims. I screamed back that I did not want to be a victim. All my life people thought that I was a victim because my mother and grandmother feminized me. They thought that this screwed up my mind and I wanted to be something that God did not plan for me. It worried me that the intruder had a gun. Did this crazy man want to hurt one of us so much?

The PR machine for the new album was set in motion. The cover had me in denim overalls with butterflies on them dancing in front of a pink dance ball. We decided that the name of the album should be called "Night Jive". Justin was a great help and supported me where he could. I did miss Nick as we were friends. Justin was not a friend. Maybe this was because I looked up to him so much. He was very demanding and bossy, but I allowed this. In a way, it was nice that he started to do the thinking for me. I trusted his judgement, even though he had no experience.

A lot was on my mind. I was always worried about when an album would be released. Would people like it would it be a flop? I missed Nick. Chloe and I seemed to be growing apart and then there was the intruder incident. I always wondered if Cameron was referring to me when he said that some people could not admit that they were gay. Just before I released the album, I was taking a walk in the park to clear my thoughts. I went to a public toilet where there was a glory hole. You can guess what happened now. A man in the next stall decided to use the glory hole and I ended up servicing him. Of course, I had guilt after this. I did something gay and I cheated on my wife. At the same time, I loved every minute of it.

I did not speak to Chloe about this. In a way, I had an excuse. We were getting a lot of hate mail after the intruder incident was in the media. Some people were disappointed he did not succeed. This led to Chloe and I agreeing on one thing. We would keep Sebastian out of the public eye. We did not want people to know what he looked like. We were afraid that he would be kidnapped or hurt. I will be honest, I was not so concerned about my own safety but was very worried about the safety of my son.

Justin kissed me one day when we were alone. I told him that he overstepped my boundaries. Justin just smiled and told me that I could not hide who I truly was from him. Then he leaned down and kissed me again. I let him. Was it so obvious to others that I had gay tendencies? Was it because of the way I looked or dressed, or did some people have a gay radar?

"Night Jive" was released and it flew to the top of the charts. The lead single also did well. The reviews were great. Despite this, the album went down the charts quite quickly. The sales were not as good as I hoped. Ir was not a flop but not the sales that I was used to. It made me think that in my business, careers are very short. Many pop stars are one-hit wonders and many can release a few albums. This could mean that my glory days would be something in the past. It could be because I was a child star and child stars do have problems being accepted as an adult. It could also be that many thought I was just a sissy and could not deal with that. A lot of singers come and go, and fans could have found someone else they liked better. At any rate, I found it hard to accept that I would at some stage not have fans. I still had a lot to give the world.

Chloe wanted to go on holiday to some tropical island. I told her that this was the worse time to do it. I was busy trying to promote "Night Jive" and doing some videos for singles. This meant interviews and appearances. To be honest, I did not like that she wanted to go on holiday while I was busy. I did not ask her to go on holiday when she was promoting her music. Besides the professional side of my life, my family was causing concern. Cameron told me that our brother could not take care of his daughter. Both he and his girlfriend were addicts They did not love their daughter and were not capable of taking care of her. Cameron was asked if he would adopt her. He did not think that he could do this and wanted to know if I would. I was willing, but Chloe said no. There was no way she wanted to take care of a drug-addict baby. My wife was becoming more and more cold-hearted every day!

Maybe that is why I spent more time at the studio. Chloe's negativity was hard to live with. Chloe noticed this and asked if I was having an affair. I smiled and asked her why I would do that if she was the only woman that I would ever need. Besides this, I could not deal with two women in my life. Chloe looked at me with a strange look. This made me go in self-defence and tell her that I was disappointed that she did not trust me. I tried to show her how much it hurt. Chloe started crying and apologised for doubting me.

I never did like it when women cried. I also felt guilty. Justin and I were having sex when we could. This started as something innocent and a bit of flirting. However, now Chloe was right in assuming that I was having an affair. She just thought that it was a woman. I tried to make myself by saying that it was not love. It was just fun. The problem was that I was not so sure that I loved Chloe either.

Chloe was very mad at me when I told her that I would be getting plastic surgery. I wanted a more feminine face as well as no hair on my body or shaving. I also wanted a more feminine body, and this meant breast implants. After I said this, I had never seen Chloe so mad. She shouted that she was not going to be married to a sissy. I had to remind her that she first became my friend when I was wearing dresses. She always knew who I was.

I was not going to listen to people anymore on how I should look. I was not going to hide anymore