Idol

Idol - 1989- Age 20

The year started in a bad way. Dad was hospitalized. He was out one night and got so drunk that he ended up collapsing in an alleyway. This was very sad news and I went to the hospital. The media were there as usual. They were asking for comments. What could I tell them? My dad was an alcoholic and it was killing him. When I saw him laying on the hospital bed, I was both mad and sad. How could anyone let something like alcohol take over their body and mind and slowly kill them? Dad seemed tired and somewhat subdued when I visited him. He told me that I was the only one that visited him. I was afraid he would cry. Instead, he promised me that he would not drink anymore. I wanted to believe this so much!

At university, I performed for a charity show that Daniel wanted me to do. I was frightened to do this. It would be the first time that I have performed in public since I retired from showbusiness. I knew the crowd would be small, but this made it scarier. I knew most of these people. I wore make-up and wore a long tunic that was pink and had fake diamonds on it. I even had a tiara on me. Boy George would have been jealous of me. I did not look like a woman or a man. I looked like both combined.

The performance went well. I quickly forgot my fears and started to enjoy performing. I forgot how fun it was performing for an audience. They seemed to enjoy it and it was a great party atmosphere. I was only performing a few of my most popular songs. To tell you the truth, I could have done a whole concert. When I finished, people said that they loved my new look and the performance.

Daniel came the next day and told me that I was in the newspapers. I expected that this was not good news. This was not the case, the newspapers gave great reviews on my performance and said that I still had a huge talent. They did not call me a drag queen as I feared. They described my style as gender-fluid. One newspaper commented that I was influenced by the style of Boy George. This was not true, I simply dressed in the clothes that I loved. It's not as if looking feminine or masculine was something new for me.

It was a few days after the performance when Daniel wanted to have a heart-to-heart talk with me. He noticed how much fun I had when I performed. According to him, there was something about me that shone and happiness he never noticed before. This made him think If I was sure that I wanted to be a teacher, and not be the performer that I seemed to enjoy so much. Despite that Daniel was not a fan, he noticed the energy and happiness of the audience at the performance. I must admit, that I did miss the life in show business, but I think I was afraid. I enjoyed mostly a private life now. I did not want to be thrust back into the limelight and be judged for everything I did.

It was shortly after the performance that I sold the mansion. I used some of the money to buy Dad and Ronny a small flat so they had a place to live. I no longer wanted to live with them, so bought myself a penthouse in a very posh area. It was a smaller place, which suited me fine. It was close to Cameron and far away from Dad and Ronny. I loved my new home. I never felt as if the Mansion was mine. It was Dad that bought it and it was so big. Now I had my place. Needless to say, Dad was not happy that I would now be living on my own. I think he thought that it would be harder to control me this way.

Chloe wanted to get married. We were old enough to do this. I did not want to get married yet. I promised her that we would get married in a year. This would give me a chance to think about if I loved her enough to get married. It bothered me somewhat that I did not always show her the love she deserved. I did my best to sabotage her singing career and I did not always show her affection. I think I was also a bad listener. Often when she would want to discuss her problems, I would not listen and start telling her my problems. I wanted to make sure that I loved her before we got married.

This was the happy time of my life. I loved my studies and loved my life at university. I could dress the way I wanted and no one would call me a sissy or she-boy. I wore a little make-up like eye shadow and mascara and had no problems wearing dresses or feminine attire. When I wanted to, I could dress more masculine. It was at this time, that I was at peace with my childhood. Who knows if it was right that my mother and Granny treated me as a girl was right or wrong? I was sure that they loved me and this was what mattered. Dad wanted me to be masculine, but I doubted that he loved me. The important thing was that I could not complain about my childhood. There are so many children in the world that has a horrible childhood. They experience poverty, sickness and abuse. Many children never experienced love.

I tried to make amends with Nick. He was still mad at me and was honest enough to tell me that it was too hard to be friends with me. He thought I was a diva that thought I was the centre of the world. He told me that I did not care about other people, but only wanted to know if they were a fan or not. At times, he did not know who I was. This was because I was so worried about my image. Nick even thought that I was misleading Chloe. He knew that she was in love with me, but was I in love with her? All this made a friendship with me too complicated, and he was not ready for this. I was distressed that I lost a friend. I was thinking that it was him that had a problem and not me. I was hoping that he would come and apologise and beg to be friends again.

I did not think that I was selfish. I told Ronny that I would pay him to go to rehab. He was now 27 and I felt like he could do so much with his life. It was sad that his life was consumed by drugs. I thought that he had so much potential. Ronny did not take accept my offer. He did not think he was an addict. He did not think that he needed a job. I suppose the allowance I gave him was all he needed. Maybe if I cared, I would have stopped giving him money. This would have forced him to sort out his life and earn money. I did not show him any tough love. I continued to give him money.

One of the highlights of the year was when I went to a Madonna concert. She was my idol and gave me the courage to be who I was. Her concert was an experience that I would never forget. It was music, theatre and art. Madonna was the definition of an entertainer. I wanted to go up and sing a duet with her, but I doubted that she would even like this. Would she think I was just a has-been? Would she approve that I was a coward and retired when the press suddenly turned against me? As many put me on a pedestal when I was a star, I now have done the same with Madonna. This concert made me miss performing. I began to think that the itch would always be there!

It was shortly after this concert that I was offered a film role. The storyline interested me. It was about a gay transgender man that finally came out of the closet. It was a story about him accepting who he was and the reaction from his family and friends. I would have fun doing this film but refused to do it. I knew that it would be controversial and people might think I was transgender, and not gender fluid. They most likely could not see the difference. I could see a difference and this was an important part of my identity. I was not transgender. I was genderfluid. I was also afraid of doing a film that would be so controversial. It was still taboo to be gay or transvestite.

It seemed as if some people wanted me back in the limelight. I was confused and afraid to make a decision. There was another thing that made me want to stay retired. I was given the job as a substitute in a school for a week. I was not yet done with my degree, but I jumped at the chance. Of course, I had to dress masculine and I accepted this. Teaching children for a week confirmed that I loved teaching. It was a gift to be able to give these children some knowledge. It was great when we had discussions. They knew that I was a retired pop star, but this did not bother them. Some even said I was nothing like the media said I was. Being a teacher was and is the most important job a person can have. Teachers and health professionals have always had my utmost respect.

Dad still took all the credit for the success I had and was so disappointed in me that I was now retired. He told me that he was searching for a new protege that could be a star. This hurt me in a way and I suppose it was meant to hurt me. I was not that worried though. I had a great experience teaching and I knew that this career would make me happy. I also knew that Dad was an alcoholic and no record company wanted anything to do with him. Besides this, he made some very bad decisions!

My romantic life changed as well. I asked Chloe to move into the penthouse with me. I figured she would be good company and it would be a test to see if we could live together. It worked great. We were happy cooking and watching films and just talking. If this was what married life was all about, I would have no problem. Chloe always wanted to be romantic and always asked when we would have sex. She did not understand that I was still a virgin and wanted to wait until we were married. I will be honest, I just did not want to take that step. Chloe made me feel like that something was wrong with me. She even asked if I was gay. I would think Chloe had enough to think about. Her music career did not succeed and she did not know what she wanted to do.

I visited Cameron in the studio. I was so proud of him as he was such a success. He was working on new songs. He persuaded me to sing some of them. It was a strange feeling being in a studio once again. The atmosphere was special. The songs were great and would make a great album. Cameron and I were having fun as we joked and laughed together. At times we were serious and worked on improving the songs. In the end, Cameron told me that he could see that I missed being an entertainer and would keep these songs for me until I decided to come out of retirement. I told him that this would not change, but I would always help him if he needed me. The experience at the studio gave me a lot to think about.

When I came home, I rang the director that wanted me in the transgender film. I asked him if the role was still available.