Shame and Desire Chapter 28

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Rule of thumb, never believe a couple when they say “only one kiss”, even if those exact words are not actually spoken. Any situation which calls for a single kiss will most likely result in more.

Case in point, just seconds after Elise kissed Sierra on the lips to make her feel better, the young couple was full on making out on the grassy ground.

It was not nearly as pleasant as the romance movies would lead you to believe.

Elise raised her head from Sierra’s lips. “This is kind of rough.”

Sierra frowned and made a whining noise.

Elise giggled. “Oh don’t worry you hungry little bastard. There will be plenty of kisses… as long as we do it on your couch. This is really uncomfortable.”

Sierra’s face reddened as her pout lips turned to a smile.

***

Sierra and Elise immediately fell onto the couch the second they caught sight of it. They were in each other’s arms, with Elise on top.

Time seemed to stop once they started kissing.

***

After making out inevitably became boring, the two lovers sat up on the living room couch, talking about mostly mundane things.

That all came to an end when Sierra finally mustered up the courage to ask a rather difficult question.

“So… I’ve been meaning to ask you this for a while, but… why did your parents agree to let me talk with your grandparents?”

“Hmm? Oh, well… they just didn’t have any other ideas. They know you have some, let’s say, strong opinions about politics and such, so they basically said ‘what the hell’ and agreed, so long as your parents were okay with it.”

“They don’t even have to know.” Sierra chuckled.

“Yeah, can’t argue with that.” Elise grinned.

“What time will I go over?”

“Twelve O’Clock at noon, no sooner, no later.”

Sierra nodded her head. “Okay, I think I can handle that. At least, I hope I can.”

“You’d better, because my grandparents are pretty messed up.”

***

"Did you ever end up getting measurements?"

"Uh…" Sierra stammered

Elise rolled her eyes. "So no, you didn't."

"You just asked me two days ago!"

"Two days is enough time, you can't be putting this off."

"B- but…"

"But what?"

"But I already have bras though." Sierra argued. "Getting those was embarrassing enough."

"Yes, a girl getting her first bra is always embarrassing. At least you didn't have to do it with your mom. Lucky…" Elise said. "I mean, you were a little… older than most girls at that point. I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse.”

"It'd be better, wouldn't it? More mentally prepared?"

"Possibly, but that's not important. What's important is that, if you’re not going to get measurements, you’re gonna go through the fantastic experience of bra shopping WITH another person."

Elise grinned while Sierra gulped.

***

“Do you like John Oliver?” Sierra asked out of the blue.

“What?”

“I saw some people on twitter saying he was bad.” Sierra explained. “They said he doesn’t have a spine and won’t ever actually say ‘capitalism is bad’ so he just tiptoes around it with cringey comedy. Personally though… I think he’s done more good than harm. He’s about as left wing as you can be on American television without getting pulled off the air, and he’s done some pretty good segments if you can get past all the bad jokes.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “I don’t watch him much, but thank you for reminding me of something, you have a big problem.”

Sierra’s cheeks flushed red. “I’m sorry for mansplaining. You can punch me if you want.”

“What? No, you dingus. You spend too much time online, that’s your problem.”

“What do you mean?”

Elise sighed. “Sierra, I will always love you, you know that. You’re every clichéd love line I could possibly think of and more. But you spend way too much time online. It’s affecting how you think. A lot of people think you’re cool, but they also think you’re weird.”

“It’s just a hobby of mine…”

“Yes! And that’s great. It's good to be online. But sometimes you need to… you know, step outside and talk with some real people for a bit. And I don’t think you do that enough. Like, believe it or not, most people aren’t communists.”

“Now, I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m a communist.” Sierra said back. “But there’s nothing wrong with being one.”

“Of course not, but you know, sometimes you act like most people want to abolish capitalism when that’s not really true at all.”

“It’s not, but most people do hate capitalism and don’t know it yet.” Sierra responded. “That’s a fact.”

“Maybe it is…” Elise said then shook her head. “But that’s not important, what’s important is you, and needing to spend more time outside.”

“But I- I can’t go outside. Not like this.”

“Why?”

“Because of my… breasts.”

Elise took a long, slow sigh. “I can see how you'd be uncomfortable with that, but you know… some time you’re going to have to stop hiding this. You can’t keep this going forever.”

“There’s nothing stopping me from-”

“No!” Elise shouted. “No, whatever you’re going to say, don’t say it. It’s not true. There are plenty of things stopping you. Your boobs will grow to the point where a sweatshirt can no longer hide them. You’ll get heat stroke. Fuck, look at yourself! You’re so miserable all the time. Everyone can see it! If you could just… let go of being a guy, you’d be so much happier. You know that!”

Sierra stared at Elise silently. No words were spoken for a few long seconds.

“I’m sorry.” Elise muttered. “I shouldn’t be blowing up at-”

She was cut off by Sierra hugging her tightly.

“I’m sorry.” Sierra said, emphasizing the ‘I’.

Elise was right. Sierra knew she was right. She had always known all of what she just said to be true.

Which is why she found it extremely frustrating that she could never act on any of it.

***

The atmosphere between the young couple was awkward for a while.

“So…” Elise said with a forced cough. “About you getting out more…”

“Will we be yelling again?” Sierra asked with a mocking tone.

“No, fingers crossed.” Elise answered. “Anyway, I was thinking, how would you feel about going down to that mall again?”

“You mean the one we went to last week?”

“Yeah, that one.”

Sierra bit her lip in nervousness. “I don’t know…”

“It’ll be tomorrow, just so you know. We don’t have enough time today.”

“Okay…” Sierra said. “I’ll, uh, think about it tonight.”

“That’s fine, but I need a solid answer tomorrow.” Elise said. “I hope it’s ‘yes’ by the way. I really think going out would be good for you.”

“Well, if I do say ‘yes’, I’d need to find out what to do about my breasts.”

Elise frowned. “You know, that’s another thing I’ve noticed about you.”

“What?”

“You always say breasts, never boobs.”

“So?”

“It sounds weird.” Elise said. “You’re always talking about them like you’re a doctor or something.”

“I don’t see the problem. The other word sounds too juvenile and demeaning.”

“Juvenile? Demeaning?” Elise scoffed. “This is what I’m talking about when I say you spend too much time online. Most normal people use the word ‘boobs’ every day with no problem. Meanwhile you’re too afraid to even say it.”

“I’m not afraid of a word.” Sierra defended herself.

“Oh yeah? Prove it.” Elise challenged her. “Say ‘boobs’.”

“Okay…” Sierra’s voice trailed off. She hesitated for what seemed like a long time.

She didn’t get it. It was just a word. Was she actually afraid of saying a word? It was one thing to mainly use the word ‘breasts’. It was a whole other thing to completely avoid saying the other common term for that body part all together. What was wrong with her? Why was this word so intimidating?

Just when it looked like Elise was going to end the challenge, Sierra very quickly blurted out “boobs”.

“That took way too long.”

“Yeah… I know.” Sierra agreed. “I don’t know what it is about that word that… gets me so worked up.”

“Well, whatever it is, I think you should find out, because this…” Elise pointed two fingers at Sierra, “isn’t healthy.”

***

Elise looked at her phone as soon as she heard the notification sound.

“Well, it looks like it’s that time again.”

“Aww, does it have to be so soon? Feels like you just got here.” Sierra whined.

“Oh stop it, I’ll be here tomorrow.” Elise replied playfully. “You greedy little shit.”

Sierra giggled, prompting Elise to shake her head.

The two girls slowly put their arms around each other.

“I love you.” Elise said.

“I love you, too.” Sierra said back.

Elise held Sierra’s head close to her’s. “I want you to love yourself.”

Sierra stared at Elise for a bit before giving her a slight nod.

Elise kissed Sierra on the lips. “See you tomorrow.” She left through the front door.

Sierra looked out the window as she saw Elise’s car depart her driveway.

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