After our safari of shopping at Saks, Mom, Connie, Bobby and I rumbled our way crosstown to have lunch at the ‘world famous’ Brass Rail Restaurant, located on an entire city block at Seventh Avenue and 49th Street, catty-corner to the Brill Building. In the ‘40s and ‘50s, showbiz luminaries would meet up for drinks at The Brass Rail, most notably Frank Sinatra and Jimmy Van Heusen surely discussed songs like “Come Fly with Me,” “Call Me Irresponsible,” and “Only the Lonely” there. But now, in 1966, the restaurant was in decline, still popular but no longer a sightseer’s destination.

Regardless, the four of us had their famous hot roast beef sandwiches. My stomach growled (in a dainty way, mind you) as we watched meat cooking in front of burning coals on an English Roasting Jack, then sliced piping hot and gently placed on sourdough bread. We washed it all down with iced tea. Connie wanted to order a Long Island Iced Tea, but Mom reminded her she was driving them back to Bergenfield.

Bobby and I bid a fond farewell to Connie and Mom after lunch. Hugs and kisses were exchanged. Bobby gave both Mom and Connie a peck on the cheek. Connie winked at me as they slid into Mom’s car. They drove off and I transferred my shopping bags to Bobby, who now had both hands full, including the box containing his new Pierre Cardin suit (which Mom put on Dad’s Diners Card). Pack mule in tow, we walked over to the Rivoli Theater to catch an afternoon showing of Stagecoach. All in all, Bobby was having a great day. A new suit and a movie starring his favorite actress, Ann-Margret!

Rehearsals ramped up as we approached the band’s appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday night. We concentrated on the three songs Billy and Hank had decided we would perform: “Heaven Must Have Sent You,” “Do I Love You (Indeed I Do),” and “Somebody Somewhere Needs You.” When we rehearsed these songs, we did them in our stage costumes. The guys wore tuxedos that made them look a little like hip dinner party guests. Bobby looked cute in his navy blue tux, powder blue ruffle shirt and skinny black tie. We girls had to change in Bailey’s wardrobe room. I was nervous about undressing in front of the others, but the only remark made was about my being a member in good standing of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I blushed and giggled, hoping it was just good-natured teasing. Hank let out a long wolf whistle as we marched into the rehearsal studio.

“Billy, I don’t think the audience is going to be paying any attention to our tuxes. We could all be wearing overalls, ain’t nobody gonna notice.”

Because Honey changed some of our synchronized moves and dance steps, the afternoon dress rehearsal was a bit of a slog. Hank’s temper flared several times as he chastised Honey for over-thinking everything. She reminded Hank that they were going to be on national television on Sunday. Everything had to be perfect.

“We’ve been on TV before, babe.”

“This is Ed Sullivan! We’re not talking about some boo-gee local TV dance show like Swingin’ Time in Chicago. This is CBS! Prime time.”

Billy, who had only dropped in 15 minutes earlier, intervened. “We’ve got the whole week to get it perfect. It’s been a long day. I see Bobby back there yawning between choruses…” Bobby shook his head vigorously. “Yeah, a couple of others look like they’re about to doze off. Okay, let’s run through “Somebody Somewhere” once more and call it a day. Let’s get it together, people.”

The four Honeys including me lined up behind Honey and Hank as our drummer counted down. I quickly turned around and winked at Bobby. He smiled into his mouthpiece. Then we played “Somebody Somewhere Needs You.”

It was a few minutes later, around 5:30, when the dreaded event happened. The doors to the studio opened and there stood Dad with Connie trying to hide behind him. His mouth was agape for a long moment before he shouted, “Shuggie, what the hell?”

I covered my face with both hands and ran for the exit. Bursting into tears, I brushed past Dad and Connie and sprinted down the hallway. Bobby followed me into the wardrobe room, taking Bailey and Brianna by surprise. Shaking, I burbled something about Daddy, Daddy as Bailey embraced me and tried to keep from becoming hysterical. Bobby explained to them that my father had made a surprise visit to the studio.

“Oh gyal yuh inna deep chrent now ow cud yuh expect tuh kip dis from yuh father?”

I looked at Brianna and then at Bailey. “What did she say?”

“Never mind. Billy will talk to him. He’ll know how to handle your father. He had to talk his own father through a similar situation.”

“Huh? You mean…”

Connie appeared at the doorway. “Shuggie, Billy wants to talk to all of us in his office.” Bobby and I followed Connie to Billy’s office. Dad was pacing back and forth, rubbing his face and muttering. Billy stood impassively by the door, waving us in and then shut the door behind us.

“Some of you will have to stand. I’ve only got the two chairs. Temporary office, you know. Okay, let’s start…”

“No, I want Shuggie to stop this nonsense.” Turning to me, he said, ”You’re a boy, damn it! Stop this trying to be a girl thing. “

“Daddy, I’m a girl! The doctors messed up. Mom told me they let you decide. How could they do that?”

“They…we…thought, given the physical facts, that you should be raised as a boy. Which is what you are!”

“Noooooooooooo…” Billy stepped in between us. “Mr. Brennan, do you love your child?”

“Of course I do. I want him to live in the real world, not in some fantasy that he’s dreamed up. This isn’t real. This is just crazy.”

“Have you ever listened to Shuggie? Really listened? She’s not crazy. She’s trying to tell you, to show you her true self. It’s not just some silly game to her.”

“Excuse me, Mr. Schechter, but you’re not a doctor, are you? How can you pretend to know more about my child than me, his father?”

“My sister, Mr. Brennan. My sister no longer has any contact with our father. For almost 10 years now. She lives in Germany. Married. Runs a small business with her husband. They’ve adopted two children…”

“What does this have to do with Shuggie and me?”

“Possibly everything. You see, my sister wasn’t always my sister. She was my older brother.” We all inhaled in surprise. Dad fidgeted as he stopped pacing. He stared at Billy as he continued. “I knew from my earliest days that my brother was really and truly my sister. It was something we kept secret because our father would have literally abandoned her. He would’ve looked upon her as a monster, not a human being. It was the way he was raised to see the world. And our mother was too afraid of him to even broach the issue. My brother tried really hard to become a man like our father wanted. He even joined the army when he graduated high school. To prove his manhood.”

“Shuggie is in the ROTC. With Bobby. I didn’t push him to do it. I’ve had enough of war. I don’t want him to be a soldier.”

“They sent him to Germany. They say Europeans have different views on transsexual individuals. I think being away from our father made him realize that he was psychologically, mentally, spiritually…however you want to characterize it…female. The only impediment was his physical self. And that’s when he decided to stay overseas after his military commitment and undergo transitioning. Hormone therapy and final surgery. It took almost ten years but she’s my sister now. And happy. Finally happy.”

“Shuggie, is that how you feel? Have I completely failed you as a parent? I want the best for you but…but I can’t accept that trying to be a girl is in your best interests. People will look at you as a freak.”

“But it’s who I am, Daddy. It’s who I am.” I tried not to cry but tears were welling up. Bobby gripped my hand and gave me a soulful look. Daddy noticed all of that and almost jumped at Bobby.

“It’s you, Bobby! I knew it all along. Stop turning my son into a deviant!”

“Mr. Brennan! No one can turn someone into a transsexual. No one can wish themselves into being the gender they weren’t born as. My sister went through half her life unable to be her true self because no one would listen. No one. Especially her father. You say you love your child. That gives me hope that you and Shuggie won’t end up like my sister and our father. Let her live her true life, Mr. Brennan. Before you lose each other. Is that what you want? Misery?”

There was a knock on the door. More like a pounding. It was Hank. Billy opened the door.

“Hey, chief, what’s up? Is there some misunderstanding between Shuggie and her dad?”

“Hank, I’ve got things under control. Don’t worry about it. Look, tell everyone rehearsal’s over for the day. See you tomorrow, okay? We’re talking things out. Don’t worry.” Hank winked at me and turned to go. Billy closed the door.

“Everyone here has no doubt Shuggie’s a girl. Only me, Bobby, and the wardrobe ladies know otherwise, okay? I’ll make you a proposition, Mr. Brennan. Now, Shuggie has talent, but this isn’t really about that. It’s about her realizing her deepest desire…to be accepted as the girl she really is. Inside where it really counts. This summer, on tour, on stage, on TV next Sunday, her outside gets to reflect her inside. Give her this summer, Mr. Brennan. I pledge to you, we’ll take care of her, make sure she’s safe. I admire your daughter. She’s got spunk.”

“I don’t know.” Dad fell silent for a long moment. “Shuggie, I don’t know Mr. Schechter from a hole in the wall but I’m thinking he’s a good man. And I know Bobby would never hurt you…” He looked at Bobby with a meaningful glare. “Your mother wants me to give you this summer to live out your dream. So, I’m going to agree to let you. But things will go back to normal for your senior year. I guess when you turn 18, I can’t stop you. Shuggie, just be careful. It’s a tough world out there for a girl.”

I threw myself at Dad and hugged him fiercely, my voice choked by tears. “Thank you, Daddy! I’ll be a good girl. I will.” He took my face in his big, strong hands.

“Don’t think I don’t love you, Shuggie. I thought I was doing what’s best.”

I was bereft of words. I just looked at Dad the way I looked at him when I was six years old, sitting next to him in the car as he carefully buckled my seatbelt while making silly faces at me, trying to make me giggle. The thought of that made me cry. Connie joined the hugathon as she broke down in tears herself.

“Now if everyone has reached a meeting of minds on this matter, I suggest we all go out for a bit of a nosh. Have you ever been to Jilly’s?”

Everyone shook their heads, no. Billy smiled and said, “Well, well. Then it’ll be another New York rite of passage for you out-of-towners. My treat. Let me make a call.” He dialed the telephone on his desk and someone on the other end picked up quickly. “Hey, it’s Billy Schechter. Yeah, how’s it hanging? I’m in mixed company, jadrool. Listen, is Howie in tonight? Great. Table for five? Yeah, 10 minutes is fine. Ciao, baby.”

I turned to Bobby. “This Jilly’s place sounds Italian. Maybe we can get a Margherita pizza, my favorite.” Billy opened the office door and ushered us out.

“Jilly’s is a fine Italian restaurant that serves great Chinese cuisine. Cantonese to be exact. It’s Frank Sinatra’s favorite place to eat when he’s in town. Maybe we’ll be in luck and he gets a hankering for egg roll tonight.”

It took us 5 minutes to walk over to West 52nd Street and 8th Avenue. It was a relatively small space, but the ambiance spoke of the heyday of Sinatra’s Rat Pack East. Reliable sources tell us that Sinatra would eat there three or four times a week when staying in New York. But Sinatra rarely spent much time in the city these days, favoring Vegas and California instead. Still, we were on the lookout for the Chairman of the Board and other celebrities. Even on a Monday night in June. The irony again struck me that of the few times I had ever eaten Chinese food, two of those times had occurred in the last five days. Well, it must not have been the food that drew Frank to this place. Although Billy had a high opinion of the offerings, I personally thought the dishes were pretty bland.

Billy was in his element, favoring us with inside stories about showbiz people he had mingled with in his brief but meteoric career as a record producer. Some of the stories were of the less than savory kind. Dad was keenly interested in Billy’s tales of famous names mixed up with the Mob. I whispered to Bobby that some of these stories had to be made up to impress rubes like us. Billy must have overheard me because he winked my way as he continued to hold Dad’s undivided attention. I turned to Connie, who was deep into her egg foo young.

“Dad didn’t want Mom to come?”

“No, Mom’s working the lobster shift this week. Won’t get home until midnight.”

“Did she tell Dad about everything after saying she’d give him our cover story?”

“She didn’t. He caught her putting the Diners Card back in his wallet. You know Mom. She melts under pressure. Especially from Dad.” I nodded and went back to picking at the mushrooms in my moo goo gai pan.

While Connie, Bobby and I enjoyed a selection of sherbets for dessert, Billy and Dad indulged in a caffè corretto, shots of espresso with a small amount of sambuca. We walked out of Jilly’s literally in good spirits. Dad had his arm around Billy’s shoulders and was at least one sheet to the wind. I hoped Dad wouldn’t start singing his favorite Tony Bennett song, “I Left My Heart in San Francisco.” Then he did.

We unloaded Dad into his car and Connie was elected to drive him home. Bobby took the subway to our bass player’s apartment in the Lower East Side and Billy offered to drive me home to Sheridan Square. He parked the car across the street from Connie’s building and asked me to be honest with him.

“Tell me you’re really certain about this. You’re not just doing this for a lark or to get back at your dad. Or because you and Bobby are really gay…”

“How many times do I have to tell people I’m a girl before they’ll believe me? Don’t you?”

“Yes, Shuggie. As long as you know how serious this is. If you’re like my sister, it won’t happen overnight. She spent the better part of two decades struggling to make everything right. And she lost her family.”

“I don’t want to lose me, Billy. Before I’ve even found myself.”

Billy sighed and leaned over to kiss me on the forehead. He shooed me out of the car with a smirk. As I walked over to the entrance of the building, I looked down at myself and realized I was still wearing my stage costume gown. Oh my.