Byline chapter 19

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Copyright © 2021 Peregrine
All rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

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chapter 19

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September moved into October just as it always does. Hannah and I were still manning the reception desk. She had been interviewed by the magazine. They had done a nice article on her. Pictures had been taken of the room in her apartment where her visions came to life. She told them how art had always been her passion. We couldn’t wait for the magazine to be published next month. I had many people at the magazine to thank.

The small success of the exhibit and the interview encouraged her to devote more time to her art. She still found time to invite me over for the occasional movie night every couple of weeks. Kevin and I had been taking it slow in our relationship. We were seeing each other about once every other week. Texting and phone calls were almost daily. Hannah and Bart, on the other hand, had entered into a somewhat serious relationship. She had found a way to include him into her art.

“I invited him over after our date,” she said. “He asked if he could see my newest painting. I was joking around saying I was about to start another one with him as the subject. I told him it would be a nude.”

“Oh my gosh, you didn’t. What did he say?”

“He didn’t say anything. He started taking off his clothes and asking me where he should stand. He draped one of my painting covers over himself and took the funniest pose. I couldn’t stop laughing. Then I looked at the light as it fell on him. I went over and positioned him, adjusting his pose. I got out my sketchbook and spent the next hour sketching him. I showed it to him when I was done. After he saw it, he kissed me. It wasn’t long before I was naked with him.”

“Hannah, Oh my gosh. Too much information!”

She laughed. “I’ve never done anything like that before. When he’s around I get as spontaneous as he is. I start to notice things like the lighting and composition more than when he is not around. Right now, he’s my muse.”

“I’m happy for you, Hannah. “

“Thanks. I’m happy for you too. Bart tells me you and Kevin are still going out.”

“Yes, we’re taking it slower than you two seem to be.”

“Are things alright? You seem to be, I don’t know, a bit hesitant.”

“Things are good. He’s told me he’s old-fashioned. He’s not into any premarital stuff. I’m fine with it. It’s a bit complicated.”

“It’s none of my business, but if it’s not going as fast as you want it to, you can give things a push you know.”

“I’m not sure I want to. I want things to fall into place in their own time. I’m working it out.”

The phone rang ending our conversation.

What I didn’t tell Hannah is I was having a problem trying to decide when I was going to tell Kevin I was a guy. I didn’t think it was fair to continue to go out with him thinking I was a woman. But, I feel if I tell him, our relationship will be over. Right now, I don’t want that to happen.

I also didn’t want to tell her I was thinking about breaking up with him. If I break up with him, I wouldn’t have to tell him I’m not a woman. The relationship would be over but it would be my choice, not his.

Why is this so hard? I should tell him before this goes on any longer. The results would be the same as us breaking up. If by some miracle, he was fine with me being a guy or a guy in transition, there would be no problem. Breaking up with him meant no chance of continuing a relationship. Telling him gave me a chance.

This would be so simple if I were a woman. If I had been born female, I’d be fully engaged in a relationship with Kevin. I might even be trying to get him to break his nonmarital sex declaration. I might be making it a challenge. The thought stopped me. This was another time I have felt like I wanted to be a woman. Am I seriously thinking of being a woman? Going out with Kevin is making me feel this way. I have to break up with him. I’m a guy. I reached down and got my purse from the locked drawer.

“I’m going to the restroom. I’ll be right back.”

I turned and left before hearing anything Hannah said. I got lucky. No one was there as I entered. I sat down and cried.

~~0~~

I got home from work thinking it was going to be a lonely Friday night. Kevin had called and let me know he was working. I was no closer to deciding what to do about my relationship with Kevin. I needed to talk with someone. I didn’t want to bother Abbey. She had her hands full with the engagement celebrations and wedding planning. I didn’t need to burden her with my problems. I started making calls. The only person I could reach was Jo.

“Hi, Casey. What’s up?” she said.

“I have a lot of things on my mind. I need to talk to someone. Any chance you’re free? I could use a sympathetic ear.”

Jo gave me the address of a bar on 13th and Walnut Street saying she would meet me outside. I changed into a pair of navy leggings and a white 3/4 sleeved v-neck top. I decided to wear the 3-inch pumps I wore to work. I wouldn’t be walking there. I added a pair of gold intertwining dangle earrings and a braided gold chain to complete my look. I finished my makeup and left to get a cab.

Jo was outside the bar as the cab pulled up. She looked nice dressed in khakis slacks and a gray sleeveless pullover top. We hugged after I got out of the cab and went inside the bar. We found a table and ordered drinks. I wasn’t driving and I didn’t care if I got a little drunk.

“How’s the article going?” Jo asked.

“I guess they're going good. I’ve submitted my articles. I’m not getting much feedback on them. I feel I’m understanding how society has different expectations for men and women,” I said.

“Maybe the article will open some eyes,” Jo said. “You’re only experiencing part of being a woman. Women get things drummed into us from the day we’re born. Look pretty, do what you’re told, don’t take the lead. I’ve never told anyone this but I wanted to be like my brothers growing up. My parents didn’t believe in letting my brothers get their ears pierced. My ears were pierced when I was too young to remember. As soon as I could, I stopped wearing earrings. I remembered being pressured by my friends into wearing them again. I didn’t want to. At the time, I wanted to be accepted by the crowd. Now I don’t care. If I wear them or not, it’s my choice. Same with wearing dresses and skirts.”

“You do dress feminine even though I’ve never seen you in a dress.”

“I do occasionally wear one for my mother. It makes her happy. Even though I’m a lesbian, I’m a woman. I might not always wear a skirt but I will dress as a woman. I don’t want to be a guy. I want to go out with women. Here’s our food.”

After we ate our food, I had more to drink. Jo got me out on the dance floor. We were laughing by the time we returned to the table. I ordered another drink.

“Slow down Casey.”

“Why? I’m not drunk yet. Just a bit tipsy.”

“I’m glad you’re not driving home.”

I took a sip of my drink.

“What has you so worked that you need to get yourself drunk?” Jo said.

I told her about my dilemma with telling Kevin.

“What are you doing worrying about that? Break up with him. He’ll be hurt because you broke up with him. You’ll be hurt because you don’t want to break up with him. This way you won’t be rejected. It’ll hurt you more if you tell him and he rejects you.”

What Jo said seemed to make sense. “Why does everyone make it seem so simple,” I said.

“Because it is simple. It’s getting late. Finish your drink and let’s get out of here.”

We paid the bill and I got up to leave. I must have had more to drink than I thought. I stumbled. I tried walking but couldn’t seem to manage it with these heels. Jo somehow kept me from falling. I sat down and took my heels off. I got up and walked to the door with Jo’s help. The last thing I remember was Jo getting a cab and getting in.

~~0~~

I woke up Saturday morning to sunlight hurting my eyes. I quickly sat up and immediately wished I hadn’t. My head was pounding. I dropped my head back to the pillow. The pain made me realize that was another mistake. I laid there with my eyes closed. When the pain subsided a bit, I sat up, slowly this time, and looked around. I didn’t recognize my surroundings. I wasn’t in my own bed. I wasn’t in my room. In my visual sweep around the room, I found a clock. I realized I was late to get to my yoga class with Abbey. I slowly sat up and swung my legs over the bed. I noticed I was still dressed in the clothes I had worn last night. I started to stand just as Jo walked in.

“Sit back down,” she said. “You should never drink. You can’t handle it. Here drink this.”

She handed me a coffee mug. It tasted like a very strong brew. I sipped the hot liquid.

“What happened? I barely remember getting into the cab.”

“You passed out. I took you to my place. Do you think you can eat something?”

“I think so. Maybe a little cereal?”

“Think you can make it to the kitchen?”

I got up and followed Jo to her kitchen and sat down. I held my head as Jo got a bowl and a box of cereal and put it in front of me.

“Thanks,” I said. As I poured a little of the cereal into the bowl, Jo put the milk on the table.

“Go slow eating or else you’ll be cleaning my apartment.”

I started eating when I remembered my yoga class. “I have to call Abbey.” I started looking around for my phone.

“Relax. I spoke with her when your phone rang. I told her what happened and that you are at my place.”

“Thanks for letting her know. Although, I’m going to get a lecture from her now.” I put my hand on my aching head.

Jo laughed. “She didn’t sound too pleased. I want to be there when she talks to you”

“Not a chance,” I said. I ate what I could and pushed the bowl aside. I went to get up to clean the bowl.

“You sit. I’ve got this.”

Jo took everything to the sink. “Do you want a refill on the coffee?”

“Yes, please.” Jo brought me back a filled cup. I took another sip. “Thanks for taking care of me last night.”

“We’re friends. We’re going to be friends even if you continue presenting as a woman.”

“You don’t like me presenting as a woman?”

“Look at you. You’re dressed like a woman. You’re even prettier than me. And you’re a guy. When you told us about taking this assignment of yours, I didn’t say it but I thought you were absolutely crazy.”

“I’m doing this for the article.”

“Maybe, but I think deep down you like it.”

“You’re out of your mind. As soon as I can, I’m back to being C J.”

You keep saying that. You talked about not wanting to tell Kevin you’re a guy. You said you want to keep the relationship. I can understand that. You seem to want to do that as a girl instead of as a guy.”

“What do you want me to do?” I said more forcefully than I intended.

“Tell this Kevin of yours you’re a guy or break it off.”

I sat there staring into my coffee. “I don’t want to,” I finally said.

“See, you like this. Casey, I think you’re trans.”

“I’m not trans, I’m Bi.”

“Either way, tell him. If you tell him you’re a guy, chances are he’s going to be upset. He’ll feel betrayed and all that other crap you’ve talked about. That’ll be it for the relationship. Poof, up in smoke. You’ll feel bad and he’ll be angry.”

“But what if he has no problem with it?

“Sure, there may be a small chance it won’t bother him. Let’s say you do nothing. Have you thought about what happens when your assignment is over? The woman he knows as Casey will not exist anymore. She will have disappeared from his life. As I see it, either way you both get hurt. I don’t see a winning way out.”

“I know, I know. Why couldn’t I be straight? If I was straight, I wouldn’t be attracted to him. I wouldn’t be dating him. I would have said no at the beginning. I probably would have told him about the assignment at the start.”

“If you were straight, you probably wouldn’t have taken the assignment.”

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Thanks for reading. Comments welcome.

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Cover picture Credits
Photo by Daria Sannikova from Pexels
Photo by Valeriia Miller from Pexels
Photo Composite by Peregrine

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