Part 6 of 6

 
Chapter 14
"Dammit Penny!" cried Myrna, slamming down the phone. "I feel like I should go out and stand on the street corner with a sign saying 'Anything helps - God Bless.' I'm sick of begging for money. How did we ever let the system get this corrupt?"

"I think our founding fathers had it right when they tried to ban political parties. Too bad human beings are inherently so competitive they have to keep raising the stakes no matter what we do."

"Am I ever going to get the time to do something besides beg for money or make speeches to people to beg for votes - and money?"

"You have to ask when we can't even find time to get married?"

"Then let's elope. We got the paperwork, let's corner a judge, drag a couple of drunks off the street for witnesses and get hitched. We can have the fancy ceremony after the election and parade my new boobs down the aisle. That's it! Instead of begging for bucks we call the money wedding presents and kill two birds with one stone."

"Are you willing to risk the wrath of your 'Aunt Grace' by not inviting her?"

"That's why I'm marrying you. You know just where the plan will fall apart before I go and make a fool of myself."

"And I thought you just wanted to get me pregnant."

"Is it too soon for the pee test?"

"Next week. If it's positive then we can elope."

"Will the campaign accept baby presents as donations?"

"If it can be turned into cash we'll take it. Politics is an expensive passtime."

"I knew that but I didn't realize just how expensive.

"Just wait until you find out how much having a baby costs."
 

"Ms Bonforte, Congressman Glassey's latest ads are saying you want to ruin the economy of the state by banning oil and gas. What is your response?"

"The question has two parts, so let's take them one at time. I'll tackle the second part first: that banning oil and gas would ruin the economy of the state. In that fact the congressman is absolutely right; without oil and gas we would be stuck at home freezing in the dark come winter. Our civilization depends on oil and gas to keep us alive, and if we're all dead then the economy would be pretty well shot.

"So now we get to the first part - that I want to ban oil and gas. In that one the congressman is talking through his hat. He really needs some competent researchers before he starts putting together his ad campaigns. For that matter he could have logged on to my web site and found my position paper, but he still seems to be stuck in the nineteenth century. What I've said, and what I will keep on saying, is that we need to start finding a way to replace oil and gas right now because it's going to take some time to do it and time is running out.

"Green power can supplement oil and gas, but it can't replace oil and gas without a completely new technology. We need to work together to find the technology, or more likely technologies, that will work, not take potshots at anyone who doesn't agree with us. We have a generation, or maybe two, to get this right or there might not be any more generations - at least a generation of people who enjoy our standard of living."

"Myrna! Have you set a wedding date yet?

"Hi Rose, good to see you actually trying to get some actual facts for your column - for a change. I hope you're recording this because I am and the tape will be available if you print anything that doesn't quite match reality. To answer you question: No, we haven't set a date.

"I came damned close to eloping this afternoon when I got sick of calling people asking for money, but Penny has more sense than I do sometimes. Tell you what, Rose, I could wrap this campaign up if you gave me about six hundred thou for an exclusive interview and I wouldn't have to do any more fundraising."

Lots of laughter from the audience.

"Checkbook journalism, Myrna?"

"As long as it's your checkbook and the check clears."
 

"Hi Mo…Aunt Grace. How is she?

"Fighting, Myrna, but she's about out of luck. She's been following the campaign and even laughs when you get outrageous. Keep up the good work."

"Can I talk to her?

"She's sleeping and her voice is pretty much gone."

"Damn!"

"Which is why you're there. Two more weeks and you can take a few days off."

"Does Myrna have two more weeks?"

"I don't know, child. I just don't know."
 

Chapter 15
Election Night
"How many billionaires did I have to call to finance this setup, Penny?"

"You didn't have to call anyone, the party is paying for the show. Got to give the press and the rank and file the impression that we're on top of the game. You're infecting me, Myrna! You're turning me into a cynic!"

"I'm trying to turn you into a mother. Any luck?

"I was saving it for after you won, but you're going to be a father, my girl."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Then what say we elope on our way out of town tomorrow?"

"Still planning to Shanghai a couple of drunks for witnesses?"

"Whoever is available."

"Myrna? You up for a grand publicity stunt?"

"Like what?"

"What say we get married tonight after you win. There's a half a dozen judges here and there'll be plenty of drunks for witnesses in a couple of hours."

"Not drunks, we'll ask Congressman Ghastly to be a witness! Show him just how magnanimous I can be in my victory."

"Have you seen our old buddy Rose Brown around? You promised she would be the first to know. We'll get top billing in her column tomorrow."

"She could be the second witness. I've got the paperwork in the car. Let's go ask Judge Small if he's willing."

"Michael? He'd be honored. You've gotten the political bug bad, haven't you?"

"Just as bad as you have, mommy."

"We are a pair, aren't we?"

"A pair of whats I'm not saying."
 

"How do you stand the waiting?"

"I was insane the first election party I attended. You get used to the tension, but still…"

"It looks like we're ahead."

"But those are safe areas. It's going to be back and forth a lot."
 

"We're down again."

"Expected. The rural districts are where the election will be decided. You have the towns sewed up."

"I hope I didn't piss off too many farmers."

"So do I."
 

"So Myrna, if you don't win are you still going to get married?"

"Judge, I've been wanting to get married for months now, but we've been too busy. Even if I don't win I'll come out of this evening a winner with Penny as my wife."

"Trust a politician to spin the answers!"

"Myrna! Four of the rurals just came in. We're ahead!"

"Good news, young lady. We need you on that environmental committee."

"And that's where I want to be. Is that a nine point lead with eighty percent of the polling stations reporting?"

"Yup. I think we've got it."
 

"Where have you been hiding yourself, Myrna?"

"Hi Rose. I've been canoodling with my fiancee in the bedroom suite."

"Can I print that?"

"I've got something better for you."

"Do tell."

"How would you like to be a witness at our wedding?"

"What!?"

"We've decided to get married just after my acceptance speech. If you can go across the street and drag Congressman Ghastly over here once he concedes he can be the other witness."

"Shit! Oh! Sorry, that wasn't professional."

"Can anyone use the word 'professional' about a gossip columnist?"

"Myrna, that's a low blow."

"And you haven't had to blow anyone for a scoop?"

"Just for that I'm going to quote you!"

"As if anyone would believe you hadn't made up the quote."

"You're getting nasty in your old age, girl."

"Ah! 98% of the polling stations reporting in and we're still ahead, although CNN called it for me an hour ago."

"Go and get Ghastly, Rose. I don't want to walk out of this place single," commanded Penny."

"On my way!
 

Naturally the party bosses and political reporters had a field day with Myrna's impulsive marriage ceremony. The party bosses made a big deal about how the most definitely not giving Myrna away and were even gracious to the rather confused Congressman. Glassey. Ever the politician, he knew that this was good publicity and played along, promising everyone he would win the next time. A good time was had by all.
 

Electoral Elation and Bridal Bliss
Newly re-elected Senator Myrna Bonforte stunned the joyous crowd at her party's electoral bash last night by getting married to longtime aide Penelope (Penny) Clark immediately after giving her victory speech. (You knew that she was engaged because you heard it here first last September.)

"I just couldn't wait now that the election is over," said Ms Myrna just before she became Mrs Myrna.

In a completely bonkers turn of events, Yours Truly and recently bested Congressman Glassey were co-opted as the witnesses. Really, I'm not kidding you! The congressman certainly had glassy eyes as he witnessed the marriage and wished the couple well. Nice going, Congressman, you're a good sport!

Try as I might, I couldn't wheedle where they were planning to honeymoon. Niagara Falls? Tahiti? Tutti-Frutti? Once I find out, you'll be the first to know.
 

Chapter 16
The honeymoon was as unique as the wedding, not a joyous celebration but a sad goodbye. The newlyweds packed Hank's old 4x4 and quietly journeyed to Myrna's bedside. Two days later Myrna gave up the fight and breathed her last breath with her cousin and her longtime aide at the bedside.

Myrna's body was quietly cremated and the ashes, somehow labeled as belonging to Henry David Bonforte, were taken to Hank's retreat in the woods, where they complied with Myrna's last wishes.

Even though Penny was already pregnant, they chose to celebrate Myrna's life with the age-old affirmation of life in Hank's bed.

A few weeks later Henry David Bonforte died on an out-of-state trip and his ashes were ostensibly returned to his cabin, where his cousin spread them over Hank's garden as far as the world was concerned. Money and power can accomplish things that ordinary people cannot.

The New Myrna had the surreal experience of attending her own funeral celebration, giving the eulogy her loving cousin had written about Hank with very mixed emotions. Some eight months later, Helen Davina Bonforte-Clark was born to continue the work her family had started.

In the ancient words of succession - the senator is dead. Long live the senator!