A note from Rosemary: This story is a story of a Christian trans-girl in the early '80s, and how she and her parents dealt with it. It is just that. A story. I am not trying to foist my beliefs upon anyone.

It is not autobiographical, but it's certainly how I wish things might have turned out for me. I can honestly say that I've never had a pastor like the one in this story, but it is very close right now, for which I am very grateful.

Alex

Alex was a teenager. He was 16 years old, and still unsure what to do with himself.

In school, he had been the butt of everyone's jokes for so long that he said he had no feelings regarding it any more. But that simply wasn't true. Saying that, and actually feeling it were two completely different things.

He had never fit in. His peers shared none of his interests. Where he liked reading, they were jocks. He was into creating music. They wanted pounding bass and drums as loud as they could get it.

He simply had no friends. He had tried to mask in public, and his real problem was still hidden. But the masking had not made him seem reasonable by the standards of his peers. If anything, it made him more of an enigma as far as they were concerned.

At least they didn't suspect what was really going on. He was transgender. Thank God they hadn't suspected that yet. Had they, life would have been much worse.

He had the option of returning to the public school, but that wasn't really an option. It had been much worse there. A Christian school at least offered the appearance of safety as long as no one suspected. He was meticulous in putting just the right amount of shock and disbelief in his voice and attitude if someone suggested that he might be gay.

The fact was, of course, he liked guys. But not because he was gay, but because he wasn't a guy himself. He was a girl and had always been. It's just that no one else knew it, and therein lay his problem.

He knew that he was supposed to be a guy. Everyone said so. Even the Bible, and he wasn't going to argue with it! But how to live with the problem.

He flopped down on his bed and picked up his walkman. He took out the Resurrection Band cassette and put in a Petra album. It was a new one, Never Say Die. As it played, he was getting into the music, but then, a song called For Annie¹ started up. In it, a girl, Annie, was terribly depressed and ended up committing suicide by taking a bunch of pills.

He didn't want that. Not at all. It was late at night, so he went to bed. He still had a couple of weeks to decide if he was going to the Christian school this year, or back to the public. He wasn't deciding that evening.

He didn't sleep well, a problem his mom noticed in the morning.

"Good morning, Alex. You look like you didn't sleep. Nightmare?"

It had been a standard excuse when he didn't sleep to blame it on bad dreams. This time, however, he didn't want to blame it on an untruth, not was he ready to come out to anyone, so he simply said, "No."

"Were you reading too late?"

"No, Mom. I wasn't."

"Then what's wrong, Sweetheart?"

Now, he wished he'd gone with the nightmare story. "I don't know, " he answered, giving the teenage staple answer.

His mom raised an eyebrow in a very Vulcan expression but decided not to press it. Obviously, something was bugging her son, but he didn't want to talk about it. He was sixteen, so she wondered if he was pining over a girl. It was likely.

Later that evening, he wanted to come clean with his parents, but he was afraid. They were good, solid Christians, and he tried to be. So how did it fit together? How could he admit that he was a girl when it was wrong?

When he went to bed, he listened to the song again. It tugged at his heartstrings. He was afraid that if he didn't figure something out, and soon that he would become the next 'Annie.'

He took the featherweight headphones off and stopped the tape. He got out of bed and knelt beside it.

"Oh, God. I don't know what to do. I know what I feel, but it's wrong. I need help. I can't get out of this funk. What do I do?

He knelt there for a long time, listening for an answer, but nothing that he could detect gave him an answer.

Getting back into bed, he remembered something his youth leader had talked about on Wednesday night. It was about honoring your parents. Most of the kids didn't take too kindly to the message, but he had tried to listen.

He loved his parents, and he knew that they loved him, but what to do? Could he trust them and tell them? They would try to help. They'd have his best interests at heart. That wasn't in question, but would it be an answer that he could live with?

The next day was Sunday, and as he sat in Sunday School, the teacher was talking about seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and the door shall be opened. Ask, and it shall be given. He thought about it in his situation and could only scoff. "yeah, right. I've been asking and nothing."

In Church, the message was on Trusting the Lord.

Alex thought about what he had been hearing. Trust the Lord. He wanted to, but this was something he just wasn’t sure about. That would mean telling his parents about it, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to do that just yet.

Nevertheless, that afternoon, he sat down with his parents to talk to them.

"I've been having some problems, " he told them.

"A girl?" His mom asked.

"Yes, " he said without thinking, then, "Well no. It's not what you're thinking."

"What is it? You know we love you, and we're here to help."

"I know. But this is really hard." He looked at them both. Saw their concerned expressions. " I'm a girl.". There. He'd said it.

His parents looked at him, quizzically. Finally, his dad gave a little laugh. "Oh, I thought you were going to be serious."

"I am Dad."

"No. You're not. You're a teenage boy."

"I've prayed about it, and I know there's something different up here. I'm a girl."

"Well then, you haven't prayed hard enough," his dad said heatedly.

"Bill!" Alex' mom said sharply. Her husband looked at her sharply.

"Sorry, Son. I just don't believe that people can be born with the wrong brain for their body."

"You know what the Bible says about this, Alex, " his mom said.

"Sure. It also says to honor your father and mother. Today, Pastor Buck was talking about trusting the Lord, and I did. I was hoping I wouldn't be in trouble because of how I feel." He looked at his dad. "So much for that idea." He stood up. "Excuse me."

He didn't wait for a response. He just left the room.

"You know what, Bill? Sometimes you can be so dense."

"What did I do, Lydia?"

"You shut him down immediately."

"It's a sin!"

"No, it's not. According to scripture, putting on female apparel is a sin. Laying with another man is a sin. Not having those feelings."

Bill realized what she was saying. "I'll talk to him."

He stood and went to knock on Alex' door.

"Go away."

"Alex. I'm sorry for my reaction."

"But?"

"No buts, Alex. 'But' would negate my apology. It would imply that I had a justifiable reason, and I didn't. I overreacted."

He heard a sigh and then, "Come in."

Bill opened the door. He walked over to a chair beside the bed and asked, "Can I sit down?"

Alex pulled a Kleenex® out of the box on his bedside table and blew his nose. His eyes were red-rimmed.

"Can you tell me more about what you're feeling?"

In response, Alex handed his dad the record cover to Never Say Die. "For Annie, " he said, simply.

Bill read the lyrics to the song, then looked over his reading glasses at Alex. "Is this how you're feeling, Son?"

"Not yet, but I'm getting there."

Bill sat and thought. This was incredibly serious. He had no idea how Alex felt, but if he was getting suicidal, he wanted to figure it out. "Alex, " he finally said. "I don't understand, but I want to. Before you do anything to hurt yourself, please let me do some research. I can't guarantee that I will understand, but I can guarantee that I love you, and I will help you in any way I can."

"What if I decide to become a girl?"

"Let me research it?"

"But what if you find that I'm right?"

"If I find out that you're right, Alex, I will support you, okay?"

Alex nodded, and Bill stood. He was a doctor and had a ready supply of medical textbooks, so he could start research that day.

"Daddy?" He heard when he got to the door. He wasn't sure what he thought of the typically female way of addressing him, but he resolved to say nothing at the moment.

"Yes?"

"Can you not call me 'son'? It doesn't help me right now."

"I'm not sure I can refer to you as a girl. Alex can be a girl's name too. Is that alright?"

Alex smiled and nodded.

"Okay, Alex." He left the room and went to his office.

At the doorway, Lydia stopped him and gave him a huge kiss. "That's the man I married."

"You were listening."

"Are you surprised?"

He smiled. "No, not really. You want to help me research this?"

"Church starts in a couple of hours, " she replied.

He shook his head. "Alex is more important to me. I'm going to try to figure this out."

"Where do we start, " she asked.

She was an RN and worked in her husband's office with him, and they read late into the night. Monday the practice wasn't open, because there were people for whom Saturday was the only viable option, so they were open then. Several times, they showed each other something found in a book and discussed it's merits - and prayed for God's direction.

Finally, they called it a night. Lydia went to check on Alex. The teenager was sleeping, but it seemed restless. Carefully, she closed the door.

"How is he?" Bill asked.

"Sleeping."

Bill nodded. From her tone, it obviously wasn't a great sleep.

-=#=-

In the morning, Alex got up and realized that his parents must have stayed up late. They were still sleeping. He fixed himself some breakfast, then went into his room and started reading. He couldn't concentrate, though.

Finally, he got down on his knees to pray. He felt his heart pounding in his chest from nervousness. "Dear Lord, " he began. "You know how I feel. I keep wondering why you would make me the way I am if it's a sin? I've never done anything to encourage this. It's just been there all my life. How do I deal with it?"

He stopped and just listened. His pastor always said to listen, don't just talk. He kept hearing the same thing over and over. "Trust me."

That was for me, he thought. It had to be. But what did it mean? Was God going to take the feelings away? That would certainly make his life easier, but he knew that he would be a different person, and that scared him.

He heard his mom in the kitchen and went out to see her getting a skillet out. She looked rough.

"I'll do that, Mom."

"Thanks, honey. Daddy and I were up late."

He got some eggs and bacon out. "Mom, how come you always refer to him as 'Daddy' when you talk to me?"

"I guess because I always call my daddy that. I don't think I'm comfortable saying 'dad'."

Alex nodded. "I'm not either."

Before long, Bill walked into the kitchen. He saw that Alex had made breakfast and put his arm around his shoulder. "Thanks, hon, " he said, kissing Alex on the forehead.

"What's going on?"

"Sit down, " Bill told him.

Alex sat slowly. He was hopeful but cautious.

"I remembered something last night, and knew which books to look in."

"We discussed it and prayed about it, and I just got off the phone with Pastor Buck. Your Mom and I are going to talk to him next Monday."

"Can I come to?" Alex asked.

"We discussed that, and I'm not sure it's a good idea. We might be separating from the church and you don't need to hear what is said if we do. I don't think it would do you any good."

Alex' heart leaped. It sounded like his parents might have decided he was right. "Does that mean...?" He couldn't finish.

"We'd like you to see a therapist that we know of. She's helped a lot of people like you. Some she has said just have a clothes fetish, but others, she has recommended for sex-change surgery."

"Do you think I just have a fetish?" Alex asked, his face showing distaste.

"Some people do, but you have a level head on your shoulders. I don't think so."

"You avoided my question earlier, Dad."

"I know I did. This is hard, S... Alex. I've believed a certain way for most of my life, but what we read last night tells us that this is very possible, and our prayers last night said to stand by you. We're going to do that."

"What about the scriptures?"

"Alex, I don't know. That's one of the questions that I have for Pastor Buck."

"So you're not standing by me," Alex said.

"Yes, we are, " said his mom.

"Like I said, we read that this is very possible. You told me that you were heading towards possible..." He couldn't even say the word. "We are going to tell Pastor Buck what we found. The ball as far as our continued church attendance there will be in his court. Your well-being, however, is not. God gave you to us to raise and protect. You are out responsibility, and that's the way it is."

"But what if I'm the therapist says that I'm trans?"

"You can't have surgery until you're eighteen. If she recommends it, we will pay for the surgery, " his mom told him.

Alex' mind was reeling. Was this really happening? Was this just his hopes playing out in a dream? He pinched himself and his dad laughed.

"No, Alex. This is real. You're not dreaming."

"What is it's a sin?"

Bill smiled. "Our reference books weren't just textbooks. We prayed a lot, and looked at scripture."

"How people can miss what we found is beyond me, " Lydia said.

"You think I'm your..."

"We are cautiously saying you very well might be our daughter, not our son."

-=#=-

The week flew by for Alex. He wanted to be Alexandria, but he wanted to allow his parents to talk to the Pastor first. His parents had left that up to him, and he told them he had been Alexander for 16 years. One more week wouldn't kill him, literally or figuratively. He knew what the therapist would find out, so he had the rest of his, or rather, her life to be Alexandria.

-=#=-

Bill and Lydia went in to see Pastor Buck the next Monday. Neither of them had slept well. They feared what this could turn into. That's why they had decided not to bring Alex with them.

They sat down, and told the pastor about Alex, and their research, including their findings.

He said nothing, except to clarify a few medical details. When they were finished, he asked them, "so you feel that it's not a sin for Alex to live as a woman?"

"No, we don't, " Bill said.

Pastor Buck nodded. "I've known Alex since he was a baby. He's a good boy, or perhaps I should just say child. You are both very good at your profession. You've been my doctor for a lot of years, Bill. I know your research is very thorough." He sighed. "I have no question as to your research at all." He laughed. "I'm a pastor, Bill. Not a doctor." All three of them laughed. I would like to research what I can, but I want to tell you something, and this is very hard to say. Just like you, I'm here for the sick. I have an idea how people would respond to this." He sighed. "If my research bears you out, and I believe it will, then there is no way I will ever say that Alex becoming a girl is a sin. But I'm here for the sick, Bill."

"I know, Ron." The two had become friends several years ago, and did a lot of fishing and golfing together. Bill understood what he was saying.

The Pastor nodded. "I am not saying that I need to keep up appearances..."

Bill interrupted. "Sure you do. You don't want to push people a way from God."

"To cause anyone to stumble, " Ron said. "Bill, Lydia, I know the scriptures you are referring to. I agree with you."

"How long should we stay away?" Lydia asked quietly.

"You have to let your daughter be herself, and I have to work into this. As an independent church, I can do it. I'm going to have to talk to the board, then the congregation. The last thing I want is for some of our people to not be friendly to Alexandria." He looked at the lyrics to the song that Alex had shown her father. "That is absolutely not a thing to happen at her church."

-=#=-

Ron Buck wasn't surprised when two of his board members quite the church. He had expected it. Another older deacon said, "I will love anyone, Pastor, but I disagree with your view in this. I believe it's sin."

"What if you find that it's not a sin?"

"I'll welcome Alex with open arms anyway."

"And?"

"Then I will publicly announce I was wrong."

"Fair enough, " Ron said.

It was two years later, when the old deacon set up a meeting for his pastor and Bill.

They entered Bill's house and were welcomed by an eighteen year old girl. "Hello, Alexandria, " Pastor Buck said. "How are you today?"

"Doing well, Pastor."

The old deacon looked at the young girl and held out his hand. Hesitantly, she reached out with hers. With all the gallantry of a southern gentleman, he kissed it. "Please forgive me, Alexandria."

She was unable to speak. She just nodded as the two went into her dad's office.

The old man looked ashamed, and hurried into his reason the meeting. "My granddaughter came to talk to me the other day. She says that she's a boy in the wrong body." He sighed. "I owe you an apology Bill. It's gotten personal for me, and I shouldn't have had to be convinced to talk to you like this. Will you show me your research?"

Bill smiled.

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