CHAPTER 37 -- Eric

It was time for youth group to start up. I was looking forward to hanging out with Amy. But when she arrived, it turned out she'd brought a friend.

"Melanie, this is my friend Eric. Eric, this is Melanie."

"Hi, Eric."

He grinned at me and said, "hi, Mel."

I forced myself to be polite. "Uh, my name is Melanie."

"But I like Mel better."

This got my back up. "Well, I don't. Please call me Melanie."

I got ready to walk off, when Amy said, "hey, chill out. What's the big deal with what he calls you?"

"That he can't be bothered to call me by my name. If it's really no big deal, why doesn't he just call me Melanie." Eric was still grinning as I walked off.

I hoped if I ignored him, he'd find somebody else to pester. I went off to the people putting together the pizza order to lobby for my favorite toppings. A few minutes later, I hear, "hey, Mel!" behind me. I ignore it and kept talking about toppings. A few minutes later, I see his head stuck right in front of my face.

"Hey, why didn't you answer?"

"I heard you calling for someone named 'Mel', so I figured you were talking to someone else."

"Come on, I'm just trying to be friendly."

"Well, you're not succeeding. Go be 'friendly' with someone else. Like they say, don't go away mad, just go away." He was getting on my nerves.

I wandered over to one of the couches to hang out with some Greenwooders and wait for the opening circle. I sat down and a second later, Eric plunked himself down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. I hissed, "get your hands off of me!" and then grabbed his arm and pulled it out from behind me. I couldn't stand being that close to him, so I got up and walked away, and tried to figure out where I was going to go.

About then, it was time for opening circle. I made a point of sitting as far away from Eric as possible, which meant being way away from Amy and even from Teresa.

We did our usual check-in. Amy introduced Eric. When it was my turn, I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just gave my name and passed. Reverend Jen introduced the topic: what our real values are. We talked about it for a few minutes and then broke up into small groups. As I was heading to my group (which Eric was not in, I was glad to see), Eric came up and tried to talk to me.

"Mel, why can't you be friendlier?"

"Why can't you stop being a jerk? Just leave me alone, okay?" We went off to our groups. I was having trouble even remembering what we were talking about. Damn him! I thought.

The discussions in our group were interesting enough that I forgot about Eric, so when we went to go back into the big circle, it came as a shock when he came up behind me and grabbed my arm.

"Let go of me!" I screamed and tried to pull away. He held on. With my free hand I punched him in the stomach as hard as I could, which wasn't very since only my left arm was free and I wasn't at a good angle. But it was enough to make him let go. I was thinking, OMG, what did I just do? What is going on with me? We stood for a few seconds staring at each other. He looked surprised, and I was freaking out. He reached his hand out again, and I took off, screaming, "get away from me!" I ran down the hall to the bathrooms. This floor of the church had one-person bathrooms, so I ran inside one, locked the door and put my back against it, since I was sure he'd try to break in. I heard some loud voices. I slid down the door and ended up sitting on the floor with my back against the door. There was no window and nothing to look at but the side of the toilet and the toilet paper roll in the background. Somebody knocked on the door and said, "Melanie!" It didn't sound like Eric, but I still didn't answer, and they went away.

By now, I wasn't freaking out so much about Eric as about how I was freaking out. I don't think I'd ever really punched anyone until this summer, and now I'd done it twice. God, I'm a nut case. I'm a violent criminal. I can't be allowed to run around loose. I wasn't exactly crying, but I felt something wet dripping down my cheek.

About then, the light went out. It seems there was a motion detector switch, and you had to move around or it would think no one was there. I waved my hand and the light went back on.

Another knock at the door. "Melanie? It's Teresa. The pizza is here. Do you want any?"

"No, I'm not hungry. Hey, can you get me when it's time to go? Like, when our ride is here?"

"Okay," she said and went away.

After a while, I just stopped thinking. I felt like a robot someone had put in the closet and turned off. Every now and then, the light would go out, and I'd wave my hand to turn it back on. I was just blank.

Teresa knocked on the door. "My Dad is here." I dragged myself to my feet and opened the door. As we were walking out the door, Reverend Jen came up to me. "Can we find a time to talk this week? I'd really like to talk with you about what happened."

I shrugged a 'whatever.' "I'm pretty busy with schoolwork all week."

"Then ask your parents to call me."

I was like a zombie the whole way home, but when we got inside, I went over to my uncle and he put his arms around me and I started bawling. He got me over to the couch and my aunt came in. I put my face on his chest and cried and shook for the longest time. When I'd cried myself out, I leaned back in the sofa. My aunt brought a big handkerchief for me to dry my face with. Teresa said, "do you want to eat something?" She explained, "she didn't have anything to eat." I nodded, and my aunt went into the kitchen.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" my uncle asked.

I nodded, but it took a few minutes for me to be able to talk, and I still kept having to stop. "This new kid. Eric. He started by calling me 'Mel' and refused to call me Melanie. Then he kept bugging me even when I asked him to stop. He kept trying to put his arm around me and asking me why I wasn't 'friendly.' I couldn't get him to leave me alone! Then he grabbed me and wouldn't let go and I freaked out and punched him and then ran off and hid in the bathroom until you came.

"It was so weird. I never hit people. Wait, there was that time this summer, at the ice cream shop. A guy tried to kiss me without asking. A big guy. I punched him hard, and then had a flashback. To the rape. Well, the attempted rape. I didn't have a flashback this time, though. I just feel like I can't go back to youth group."

My aunt was standing in the doorway listening.

Teresa said, "the youth pastor asked Melanie to call her, or at least for you all to call her." Then she said to me, "after you hid in the bathroom, we had a long discussion. You weren't there to tell your side, but we pieced it together from what people saw, and I think we had a good idea, anyway. It took a while, but I think Eric finally got it, and when he did, he looked pretty shook up. I didn't tell them your whole story, but I did tell them you'd had some pretty awful experiences at your old school. We're on your side, Melanie."

I started crying again. My aunt brought in a tray with some tea and some leftover fried chicken. I was still sobbing a little when I started eating. When I was done, I settled back on the couch. I noticed I was feeling better. Maybe I was just hungry.

"I don't know why I freaked out like that. I feel so stupid. It's not like he did anything really awful. He was just annoying."

My aunt spoke. "Melanie, he wasn't just being annoying. He was violating your boundaries. Every time you tried to set a limit, he ignored it, starting with your name. That's predator behavior. Not that I'm saying he is a predator, but it was threatening, and you had every reason to feel threatened."

"So I'm not crazy?"

"No, you've been through a traumatic experience. Your experiences at West High School taught you where that kind of behavior can lead, so you're more sensitive to it. Your reaction is not at all irrational."

I tried to laugh. "I'm lucky to be living with a social worker."

I felt like I'd been run through a wringer. I could hardly stand up. Teresa and my aunt helped me upstairs and got me dressed for bed. I suppose I could have managed by myself, but it was nice to have people take care of me.

The next day, school filled my mind and I didn't think about what I'd been through. But later in the week, my uncle told me that they'd talked to Reverend Jen and she wanted to come by that night after I'd finished studying. That night, I rushed through my studies. Reverend Jen came in and Teresa and I went down to the living room.

"I wanted to talk about what happened Sunday night. I'm really sorry I wasn't paying enough attention to notice what you were going through. It was my job to keep an eye on things, and I fell down there. I'm sorry."

It made me feel funny to hear a grown-up admit to a kid that she'd messed up. "It's okay. You did your best."

"Anyway, we had a long discussion about how we treat one another and especially about what Eric did. Eric had -- maybe still has -- some messed-up ideas about how to relate to girls. He thought he was supposed to take charge, and that girls are supposed to act like they don't like it even when they do. I think until you punched him and ran away, he honestly thought you were just playing hard to get." She shook her head, it looked like a shudder. "I think we need to spend the next few meetings talking about how we relate to one another, especially as men and women.

"But there's one thing we need to resolve before the next time. Melanie -- I don't know how to put this. Is there any way you can feel like coming if Eric is there? Or do we need to ask Eric not to come back? What would it take for you to feel safe again at our youth group?"

"Tell him not to come back? Oh my God, no. That would be so awful, seeing somebody kicked out, and knowing how awful that feels. I mean, everybody's a jerk sometimes. If he can just leave me alone and keep away from me, I think I would be okay with him being there."

She looked at me carefully, like she was trying to see something. Then she went on. "Would it help if he apologized?"

I thought briefly. "No, I don't want to talk to him at all. Just get him to not talk to me and avoid me. I'll avoid him, too. If he really changes, I'll know it sooner or later." I tried to imagine what it would be like. "It will be weird. But I think I need that, to feel safe."

I continued, "I really appreciate all you're doing for me. I don't feel like I deserve so much special attention."

"Melanie, you do deserve it. You're one of God's children, and you deserve love and respect and consideration as much as anyone. As one of God's servants, it's my job to see to it that you get it."

"Did you know our school has a class called 'respect'? Everyone spends an hour a day learning about and talking about how to show respect for one another."

"That sounds interesting. I'll ask you about it, since I might want to incorporate some of that in our program. But not tonight. I think you need to go to bed. And so do I."

We said our goodbyes, and then I went to bed.