Dames, I don't quite get them. Well I do get them, you hear that(screaming out to the all seeing), a lot of them... and for some strange reason, a lot of men too. I believe the reason I attract them is my brilliant blue eyes. They seem to attract all the partners one could ever want, well if that person was female or gay. I had been going undercover while playing my X-Box in my search for Andy Kaufman, Elvis, and Jim Morrison. I'm sure they're alive out there.

Wrote this as a sort of prequel to The Christmas Ditz Aoi Santomi story takes place on the 23rd and 24th of December. It is a hard boiled detective story, about a Detective that thinks they are a hard boiled detective.

It'd been a rough night, well for the last couple of months it'd been rough, at Dave Diamond's Investigations. I'd been reduced to sleeping on the couch in my office. Fortunately at five foot nine inches I fit rather comfortably. Though when two springs on the couch gave out at the same time, it became very uncomfortable. That, and a noise from the front office brought me awake.

I knew I needed to investigate immediately, since I was the only one here. Why, is that you may ask? Well Shyla, she was my secretary/partner, for the last four years. Until she came back from vacation a week early to find me in one of her dresses. She said it wasn't right, that I looked better than she did in it. Shyla had come home early because she'd decided she was ready to get married, but seeing me in her dress was more than she could stand. Her fit was one to behold, she dressed me down, before taking back her dress. Said it would be a rainy day in Hell before I'd see her again.

Dames, I don't quite get them. Well I do get them, you hear that(screaming out to the all seeing), a lot of them... and for some strange reason, a lot of men too. I believe the reason I attract them is my brilliant blue eyes. They seem to attract all the partners one could ever want, well if that person was female or gay. I had been going undercover while playing my X-Box in my search for Andy Kaufman, Elvis, and Jim Morrison. I'm sure they're alive out there.

So now I had to work both desks, not that there was much work. Entering the reception area I found no one there. But there was a nice green bottle of Gin, well at least it would keep me from going generic for awhile. I quickly noticed that there was a note taped to it, that said -“Meet me at the Satomi Girly Glam Tai Chi Dojo and Sushi bar at noon.” signed Mrs. Ritz.- Well looks like I have to go the cleaners, to pick up my good suit, and by good I mean clean. After all you don't meet the 'Cracker Queen” in anything less than your Best.
Then I noticed that whoever had left the note had brought the paper in. How the headline I saw was news in L.A. I didn't know: Starlet in Critical Condition After Drug OD. Then I got a gander of the starlet's picture, it was Aoi Satomi, she'd heralded from Japan. Been in Hollywood for about five years and went Mega Star in a Month. She was the Star of two Matrix like B-Movies and was just inked for an overhaul of the Green Hornet. Her Tai Chi Dojo Franchise's had just expanded to ten with the grand opening of three more last Friday. Aoi's Image had been squeaky clean, even if she had been filmed lidless (topless that is) often in her chopsocky(Sexy Kung Fu). So the Drug OD was fishy, well hopefully the Orange County Police Department will get whoever did this.

I glance at the clock on the desktop and realize I need to get moving if I was going to make my appointment with Mrs. Ritz. I gathered my recyclables and head downtown too the recycling center. Luckily I got enough to get my suit and buy breakfast at the Club Car Cafe. I get my usual, 2 eggs over medium, 2 pieces of roman meal bread, lightly buttered, hash browns well down, three links of Sausage, and a cup of thick Joe, the kind you need a knife and a spoon to eat.

*********

Well fed and feeling like things were looking up for me, I went back to my office found a good pair of shoes, not the flip flops I'd been wearing. Looking through the closet I found my shoes lying under a pair of Shyla's black peep toed pumps and a few pair of ballet boots that she'd bought as a joke. After making sure Sperry Topsiders were clean and no longer covered in some bodily fluid, getting shot can be hazardous to your footwear as well.

I thought it was a little strange that Shyla had left the pair of shoes as I cleaned my Topsiders. The ballet boots still being there I sort of understood. I guess she missed the pumps. After cleaning my shoes, I showered, soon I was out the door and on my way to the Satomi's downtown L.A. Dojo.

**********

Outside the Dojo I looked across the street, there was my old training officer from when I was on the force, Lieutenant Santino. I waved to him and he waved back. Would have loved to chat with him but I had to get inside.

As I walked in I saw Mrs. Ritz, she was picking her order up at the sushi bar, six California rolls and a large pot of Green tea with two cups. She said, “Mr Diamond, your on time. Good follow me.” We were ushered through a set of rice paper doors which were sealed as we walked through.

Mrs. Ritz could have been a performance model for Jessica Rabbit. Which immediately reminded me of Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Which was one of the reasons Shyla and I had opened the Detective agency. Shyla and I had been childhood friends. Both Shyla, and Mrs. Ritz had all the curves in all the right places. Enough reminiscing though it was nice thoughts about some lovely days. I knelt down opposite of Mrs. Ritz.

Mrs Ritz plated three California rolls and handed them to me, “Mr Diamond I think my Husband is cheating on me, as well as being an embezzler. I believe he is funneling the money from sales of our new chips to a false account.” I was having a tough time keeping my eyes on something other than her heaving breasts, what with her top gaping open. I almost missed her pouring the tea. Still her story didn't ring true. Someone hot as her, with her money would have just cited the pre-nup and got rid of the bum. Also she was known as being a real financial wizard.

I figured if they were going to waste my time I'd get me a nice payday, “Well I am going to need a thousand a day and ten thousand up front.“ Figuring this was my chance for a big score. Mrs. Ritz shook her head, I tried again, “Seven fifty with seven K as retainer.”

Mrs. Ritz shook her head again, then speaking in a low sexy voice said, “Three hundred a day and three K upfront, but a ten K bonus, if you get me the evidence in a week. Though I will half it for each day you take after that, also you'll need this laptop. It's loaded with the server key software.” Pulling a state of the art laptop out of her duffel and placing it in my lap. Well it was not as big a score as I was hoping for, but it was four times my recent rates, which I was about too cut in hopes of drumming up business.

She had finished, but I was mesmerized from the swaying of her breasts and Mrs. Ritz noticed, “Mr. Diamond I love my husband, you don’t know how hard it is being a woman that looks like me.” Mrs. Ritz looking so much like Shyla was hitting me hard.
Though I did know how hard a man could get from looking at a woman like her. “Goodbye Mr. Diamond.” Our meeting was over, I tried to be casual and roll away as I got up. “Well Mr. Diamond is that a Rabbit in your pants or were you just happy to see Me.” I limped away, red faced, heading quickly back to my office.

********

I got right on the case. Well, after spending two hours trolling the porn sites. It was about the only way I'd be getting any, as women and I seemed to be like oil and water. So I moved on to do some research on Mr Ritz. He and his secretary Hitomi Shendo seemed to do everything together. From all the Pics I found on their friends Face-book pages, it looked like Mr. Ritz had trouble understanding the term 'Discrete Affair'.

According to the Society Pages Mr. Ritz would be attending the ballet, as part of a Benefit he was hosting, at the Ahmanson Theater. I thought it was rather strange that Mrs. Ritz was not going to be there. Further research found another Ritz at the Museum of Contemporary Art, that included Mrs. Ritz's art work. The Museum Benefit had been on the calendar for three months, three weeks earlier than the ballet was planned. So the Ballet Benefit looked like a way for Mr. Ritz and Miss Shendo to be together. Though it was not unusual for the Ritz's to have multiple charity events each month.

I looked at my clothing options as the Benefit was a black tie affair and a Tux rental would nigh impossible this close to the event. It being two days before Christmas, anything that would be acceptable would be gone. Then I remembered, I still had one of Shyla's Little Black Dresses. Her LBD had been in the cleaners, fortunately they had gotten the... um, stain out.

From a previous job, I had a good wig, blonde of course, breast forms, a waist cincher and a Four-Pad Girdle. I was suppose to have worn it for a job, but we'd cracked the case the day before, I was suppose to go out as a woman. Luckily, I did know how to wear it. Shyla had me practicing in it for a week before to get use to it all. I suddenly remembered her laughing about not being able to show me off in it, how ironic. I also found I still had all the costume jewelery we'd bought, so, formal wear problem solved.

Picking up one of the shinier baubles, I found myself reminiscing over the past. The job was for the Acme Cruise Line. I was suppose to wear this stuff for my transformation into Shyla's, ahem, female lover, as the job was taking place on an women only cruise. There was a burglary ring working their ships and we were certain there was inside help. So we were going on the cruise with expensive paste jewelery to lure the ring.

The day before we were to leave we broke the case. We'd caught the Purser trying to fence some of the known missing pieces. Shyla had been so upset about missing the cruise that she'd kicked him a few times while I was cuffing him. I'd been looking forward to it myself. Just think, me, on a ship with only women. I might of finally scored... with Shyla I mean, of course.

With that I began thinking how scary this would be. Going out in public as a woman with no back up. Though the real problem was, for the first time I'd be out there without Shyla.

After I'd laid out my disguise, it was time to see how far my hacking skills could get me with tracking the money from the chip sales. Probably one of my better skill sets. I quickly found something suspicious on the money trail, though it was being transferred through, at least, nine different banks. It was going to take awhile and I needed to get ready for the surveillance, so I plugged in my flash drive and started a mining Bot before heading off to my private shower.

As I showered, to get ready to go tail the cheating couple. I thought about the case so far. Something wasn't right about this, but I wasn't sure what. I could only hope it wouldn't get me killed.

It was time to go undercover in the real world instead of just using it with my X-Box investigations. I the shower, made sure I was smooth enough for the prosthetics to stick. After tossin' my special dual purpose Opera glasses/video camera and some make-up for a touch up into my clutch. There was no room for my Browning Hi Power. So I strapped a small gat (small glock 26 ) to my thigh.

It took me awhile before I was able to get myself put together. I had to repair the pumps, I discovered the left heel was broken, when I put them on. Guess that's why Shyla left them. While waiting for the glue to set, I applied my makeup and then put on my wig. Taking care to style it just right.

I Checked on the pumps I found they weren't done yet, so I decided to check out the Ballet boots. They looked more confining than the pump, but my only other choices were my Sperry's and flipflops (not real choices at all). The Ballet boots were comfy as long as I was sitting down. After stumbling about the room for a while I gave up on the them. I did another check on my outfit, make-up and hair. Checked on the repaired pumps, they broke in my hands in places I had not repaired. Damn, it was back to the Ballet boots. Checking the time I had about three hours to practice in them.

Time passed quicker than I thought, as I arrived at the Benefit just before the last call for seating. Four ushers rushed to help me find my seat. Such a bother. I was very nervous, although I had practiced in the seven inch Ballet boots for a little over three hours and my makeup skills were pretty good. You see, I had spent 4 months practicing with make-up for the other job and from the reactions I'd gotten, so far, the elegant make-up and hairstyle were flawless. I just didn't want them so close that they'd notice all the curves were applied latex.

Once I was in my seat, I started scanning the audience with my opera glasses with built in camera. I found Mr. Ritz and Miss Shendo. They were either giving mouth to mouth or he had lost something and as searching her tonsils. I got several candid photos of the amorous couple.

Just before intermission the 'Gentleman' on my right put his hand on my knee. After removing his hand a little too forcefully (I think broke his wrist) I dropped my Opera Glasses in the discussion. I couldn't find them till shortly after the lights came up for intermission. I came back up to find I'd now lost sight of my quarry. I fought through the crowd fending off offers of champagne and other more scandalous requests. Stupid Ballet boots, that will teach me to wear fetish gear. They were seriously slowing my tailing down as well.

I almost missed them as they were getting into a limo. I ran as quick as I could, nearly broke my ankle. Good thing the boots were so firm on my legs. I minced over too 5th where I caught a cab. Their Limo turned left ahead of us. I couldn't help myself, “Follow that car.” the Driver took off like a shot. I'm sure the fifty dollar bill I held out helped.

I knew immediately where they were going, as Miss Shendo's home was the only one that was in this direction. Sure enough, 10 minutes later, the limo turned up into the circular drive in front of Miss Shendo's home. I had the driver take me up the street three houses farther before getting out.

By the time I got back to a decent vantage point behind a tree across the street from Miss. Shendo's, they had already made it to the upstairs bedroom. I was thankful that the winters in Los Angeles were pretty mild. It didn't help that Shyla hadn't left a wrap, or that I didn't think of getting one myself. I was out in the night, in a skimpy dress that was sleeveless and very short. I showed so much thigh, I knew the next thing to show, would be my knickers, if I bent over to pick up anything. I was shivering as I watched through the zoom of my mini video camera that had just barely fit in the clutch. The only thing that kept me from being really chilled was the padding I was wearing.

All I was able to see was shadows and their heads. Guess I was lucky to see that much, since I was standing... make that wobbling in seven inch heels. My toes were cramping, but I had to do the job. Finally they moved to the window and I got a better view. Mr. Ritz was taking Miss. Shendo from behind, mauling her breasts. Well they definitely weren't playing patty cake. It was the money shot, ten k worth, and I was now safe from eviction. Well, for a couple of months.

Then something hard bounced off my head. I looked around, but no one was on the street or above in the tree. I looked down and on the ground I found a rather gaudy looking medallion. I carefully bent down to get it, sure I was showing too much. I examined it in the light from the street lamp it looked to be gold and had multi-color fiber-optics on a Christmas tree. I juggled the medallion, camera and purse. Somehow getting the medallion into the purse.

I was brought back to why I was there by a flash of unseasonal lightening, but no thunder. Instead there were five guns shots, from two different guns. I have an ear for guns. I have been shot at... a lot, so I'd learned what a lot of weapons sound like when fired. I knew three of the shots were from a colt 45 revolver and the other two from a 1911 9mm automatic. There were also the cries from Miss Shendo and Mr. Ritz as they were hit and the sound of someone running down the stairs.

I tapped my blue-tooth to turn on the phone, voice dialing, “911”, while training my video camera back on the house. Nothing moved as I reported what I had heard over the phone. The first one on the scene was Lieutenant Santino. He didn't notice me, Santino went inside. Which was good, I really didn't want him to see me like this.

My good karma went south when I saw Captain Finley arrive, He turned out to be the Lead Detective. Finley and Shyla had recently announced they were getting Married. I quietly tried to give my statement to a Sargent on the scene and leave, but Finely wanted to see me as I had given my real name when I called 911 instead of a cover name, like Haley.

“So where is Diamond, I wanted to see him before he's released.” Finley grumbled. I wanted to hide, but I waved, “Um right here.”

Finley laughed out loud and long, finally stopping with his hands on his knees breathing heavy, “I didn't recognize you Diamond. I was this close to running you in for soliciting. Though I guess in way you are, seeing as I am sure you are out here for a client.”

I filled him in as I shivered, “I'm ah, working for Mrs. Ritz, standard surveillance. That's all I should say, I've ah, already downloaded a copy of all my, ah, surveillance to the L.A.P.D. Data system. If there's nothing else, ah, I'd like to catch a cab home.” Then Finley did the unexpected, shouting an order, “Sergeant Donner, I need you to take Miss Diamond to Diamond Investigations on Vine and Sunset.” Do not know if he did it as a joke or was being kind.

Donner was really pleased with the assignment, “Be really happy to Captain. Right this way Miss Diamond.” He escorted me to a plain brown wrapper, his eyes wandering over my fake assets. I shivered from his leering as he held the passenger side door open.

Fortunately the streets were pretty empty as I had to direct Donner to keep his eyes on the road as they kept straying to my rather large assets. Shyla had said the Double D breast forms would allow me to wear her clothes. As it turned out saved us big money on stuff we wouldn't had used.

It was a 20 minute drive and after my last request for him to keep both hands on the wheel it had been nice and quiet for almost ten minutes. Donner broke the silence, “Miss Diamond you look so beautiful, are you seeing anyone?” he must really be new to L.A. as he did not seem too realize I was male.
Great now he was trying to pick me up, coldly replying, “No, I'm not, I just broke up with my latest. I don't usually dress this way, I was undercover on surveillance.” I was not sure about letting him in on the fact I am a guy. It always seems to bring out the worst in these situations. Even when I am not in drag, people have the hardest time believing I am a man. Can I help it I have my Mother's fine features.

He placed his hand on my knee,warmly saying, “Well I would be happy to take you for a drink to help you get over him.” I removed his hand, this guy was not taking the hint that I wasn't interested,in my best monotone “Please use both hands on the wheel. Wouldn’t want an accident just a block away from our destination.” Tried pulling the hem lower. on my legs, but that just seemed to make the breasts pop more out of the top. So I picked the lesser of too evils and let the dress slid back over the top of the boots.

As we pulled up he asked, “How bout inviting me up for some coffee at least?” I could not be believe this guy, I was going to tell him off, but he had already jumped out of the car and started around to the passenger side. How was I going to tell him stop when he would not accept no as an answer. That point became moot, as I heard a deep menacing voice say, “Your dead Diamond.” I ducked down in the seat, as those words never meant anything good. I was right as I heard the report of a 22 colt automatic. I watched as Sergeant Donner slide down the side of the car.