Blue Nails Chapter 10 The Final Chapter

The Last Day at Hope Haven, and going home!

Friday, July 31

Once again, last night, I dreamed I was in front of the church. This time I was the groom, though! I was waiting in front of the church with the other members of the wedding party for Sarah Beth to come in on her father’s arm. I glanced out and saw Joan Kim, smiling. I tried to wave at her, and noticed that I still had on the acrylic blue nails, but they were even longer this time! And the best man and groomsmen had long acrylic nails, too, but different colors. Then I just stood there forever, waiting for Sarah. Was she back there? Was she even alive? I panicked at the thought, and woke up. As I lay there in bed, sweating, I figured that the nails were part of my dream because I’m having them removed tomorrow afternoon. My panic about Sarah must have been caused because of the conference this afternoon, where they give the results of the latest tests and give long-term projections.

When I put on my Minnie Mouse tee shirt and pink shorts this morning, I remembered that it was what I wore when I started this journal. Now I’m near the end. I had to promise Sarah Beth that I would change clothes at noon to look more presentable for the conference at 1:30. The Holdings are coming to be there, and to stay over so they can bring us home tomorrow! The longest six week of our lives is almost over. I can be a guy again. It’ll be nice in a way, and I’ll be looking forward to it in a way, but I’m not as deliriously excited about it as I would have thought.

After breakfast, we hugged Kelly goodbye. Mrs. Cameron was going to take her to the bus station. In PT, Kevin taught us some exercises and activities to help Sarah when we returned home. I would continue to work with her as her healing partner. The Holdings arrived in PT before we left. As I was ready to leave PT, I started to hug Kevin, then remembered how uncomfortable he was with my being a boy living as a girl. So I extended my hand. "Thanks, Kevin, for everything. I appreciate all your work and your understanding, too. You’ve given me a whole new way of seeing things, and maybe even a goal in my life."

Kevin smiled a tight little smile. "Annie, I’m glad to be there for both of you. But this isn’t goodbye. I’ll see you at the conference this afternoon."

The Holdings drove us out to lunch. Since Julie had taken her car back, we hadn’t gotten very far away from Hope Haven–except with the Camerons. As we ate our burgers, we had enough privacy to talk. Mr. Holding said, "I guess I’ll start having to call you Mark again, right?"

I smiled. "Yes sir. But maybe you should wait until tomorrow. If something slips this afternoon, we could put Sarah Beth’s conference in an uproar!"

"Right, uh…Annie. When you kids came up with the idea of you coming to be with Sarah, I didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t sure at all that it would work out, or that you could hold up under the pressure. But if you hadn’t, I don’t know what we would have done. We felt guilty that we couldn’t be there for Sarah Beth in this terrible time–"

"It’s okay, Daddy. I understand," Sarah said, as she reached for her father’s hand.

"But you pulled it off, and that’s what counts." His eyes teared up. "So…thanks. God bless you, kid. And I’ll try real hard not to call you Annie after tomorrow, okay?" We talked awhile longer, catching them up on some of the happenings lately, and how some of the kids have become such close friends.

Sarah Beth and I changed clothes after lunch as we had planned. The conference with the staff was in a large meeting room. We were all nervous as we found chairs. The oncologist, a chemo nurse, Mrs. Berdugo, and Kevin sat around the table with us. It was good news!. The scans and blood work showed no new signs of cancer, said the doctor. They recommended one more round of chemotherapy that would begin in mid-September, but this round wouldn’t be as strong, and she could receive it on an outpatient basis at a Fort Russell hospital.

"You’ll have hair by Christmas," the chemo nurse announced with a smile. "A crew cut, maybe, but that’s better than nothing, right?"

"Right," Sarah grinned.

Sarah had worked hard enough at physical therapy that she was ready to go to school again, Kevin explained. He told again how she might want to use a wheelchair for long-distance travel and quick trips between classes, but the more work she could give her leg, the better.

It was Mrs. Berdugo’s turn. "I’ll say in front of you what I said to them privately earlier. I had my doubts about two teenagers being healing partners. But they were both fine residents, and Annie has this marvelous way of being a healing partner to everybody she meets, not just Sarah." Then she looked at me. "Annie, I really hope that you will continue your education and enter a helping profession. You have so much to offer sick children, especially. Many other young people have trouble relating to those who have devastating illnesses, and make them feel uncomfortable. That’s not you, though. I wish that I could keep you." I wish that I could stop blushing.

I was totally surprised when the doctor in charge said, "There are two other members of the healing team we haven’t heard from. Annie, you are Sarah Beth’s healing partner. What would you like to tell us about your experiences in that role, and what’s your evaluation of Sarah Beth?" If only I could say everything I felt!

I stammered a bit, but then got started. "I want to thank everybody for all those wonderful things I’ve been hearing. I keep thinking you’re talking about somebody else." Everybody chuckled. Sarah Beth’s eyes went wide and she held back a big giggle. That did have a double meaning, didn’t it? "I really wanted to do this for Sarah Beth, to be her healing partner, and it’s brought us so very close together. Yet in a lot of ways, I think she’s been more help to me than I have been to her. She’s helped me grow up a lot. She’s helped me see things in a new way." I noticed that the Holdings, Kevin, and Sarah Beth all seemed to be biting their lips. More double meanings. I’d better start acting like Julie again. "Well, anyway, I had planned to start college this summer, and I feel like I’ve been in college, because I’ve learned so much from everybody–about health, and cancer, and our bodies, and stress, and–and–courage. I’ve always thought I was the stronger sister, being an athlete and all. And I agreed to be her healing partner because I was afraid she couldn’t stand up under all those bad things that happened to her, that maybe I could give her some strength. But do you know what? She’s been stronger than me. I guess she’s needed to be. She’s had her moments, some crying, some blue days, some anger–and that’s good, the counselor tells us. But everyday whether she feels like it or not, she gets up, works hard at doing things that are so simple for all the rest of us, and works her butt off in therapy–Sorry, Kevin–and then goes to get her dose of poison in chemo–Sorry, ma’am" I said to the chemo nurse. Anyway, I’m astonished by her, I’m proud of her, and I love her more than I ever did. And I’m glad you all were on her team." I had to quit, because I was bawling. So was Sarah Beth.

The group seemed comfortable waiting for us to regain our composure. Then they asked if Sarah Beth had anything to say. "Not really," she gulped. "I never was comfortable being the center of attention. But you’ve all been so good to me. Just thanks, I guess." She took my hand and looked into my eyes. "And Annie, I love you more than ever, too."

We were all feeling upbeat at all the good news and affirmation. The meeting broke up. As I stepped into the hallway, Kevin pulled me aside. "Can Annie catch up with you all later?" he asked the Holdings. They nodded. Now what? We sat down in two sticky plastic chairs under the window at the end of the hall.

"Annie, I was really upset when I found out about your little fraud," he began. I cringed. "But in the past few days, I’ve heard time and again about how wonderful you were to other people here, and how much they’ll miss you. My wife’s best friend works in the cardiac care unit, and she and her husband were over for cards the other night. She asked if I knew the Holding girls. I said yes. She said how she appreciated the two of you visiting Roberta, and cheering her up. She told how Roberta’s mother said that you were such good friends to the both of them when they were still at Hope Haven. And Mrs. Berdugo keeps telling little stories of you being the "chief of morale" over there. And Mrs. Cameron told me that Annie kept Roger from just giving up. You really have this gift for relating to people who are sick or disabled, without patronizing them or pitying them. Do you work this well with people when you’re a guy?" he asked.

"Well, I guess in my Annie role I had fewer inhibitions in relating to people. But since the most important person in my life is disabled, I’m sure that my attitude would be the same, no matter what I was wearing." What was he getting at, I wondered as I spoke.

"Tell me again about your grades." I told him. "And what science courses you’ve taken." I did. "And I’m right in remembering that you would need a lot of financial aid to go to college." I agreed. "You have a great future in physical therapy–what did you say your real name was?"

"Mark."

"Mark, and the university here has the only solid program in that area in our state. Get your applications to school when you get back home, and write me. I’ll send you applications for work-scholarship, and you’ll have my endorsement."

I closed my eyes and gasped. We both stood. I started to reach my hands out, then dropped them. "Kevin, the Mark in me is holding back, but Annie really wants to hug you. Is that okay?" He smiled and nodded. We hugged.

When I caught up with the Holdings in the Hope Haven living room, they were visiting with the Camerons. They were ready to fly back to the ranch for a long weekend, so they were doing farewells.

I leaned over and kissed Roger’s cheek and took his hand. Sadly, one side of his face seemed to be drooping more. "Roger, I’ll never forget the dates we had. You’re a wonderful guy and I’m going to keep on praying that you will get well, and soon. If we come back to Hope Haven for a visit, can I come see you?" I knew I was setting myself up for another time as Annie, but it was worth it if I made that much difference to Roger’s morale.

He shook his head. "Nah, it’s okay. I’ll really miss you, Annie, but you don’t need to come see me again." I was a bit surprised, but I just hugged him again.

"Whatever you think best, Roger. But I’ll miss you, too." As I finished, I noticed Mrs. Cameron motioning me with her head. I slipped away from Roger, and followed her to the porch.

Mrs. Cameron was very controlled as she spoke, afraid that she might lose control if she let any emotion show. "Annie, what you did for Roger was priceless. He’s such a good boy, but he’s always felt so alone–poor little rich kid, and all that. Thank you for being his friend, and thank you for letting me play fairy godmother with you for the evening out. I will never forget you." She paused. "He isn’t responding well to the treatments, you know. The doctors are going to upgrade to the strongest protocol they can use, but they have little hope. Roger knows this. If there is no sign of turnaround in the next two weeks, we will just take him home and keep him as comfortable as we can until–just until. He is just so brave. He knows that he is going to deteriorate physically, and then mentally. The reason he didn’t accept your gracious offer to come see him again is that he wants you to remember him as he is now, not how he is likely to become over the next few months. When the time comes, though, I do want you–both you and Sarah, and your parents too, if they can–to come to Cameron for Roger’s funeral. Don’t worry about clothes–Roger loves you in that maroon skirt and blouse, and wants you to wear that. And we’ll give you enough advance warning to get ready, and send our company plane up to get you. Would you come? Please?"

By this time, my tears were flowing. "Yes, of course, it would be our honor."

"Since we’re here, I’ll tell you now what I will tell Sarah in a few minutes. Our lawyers are working on the scholarship fund that I had mentioned earlier. Although it can’t be all my decision, which means I can’t promise anything, I do hope Sarah
will apply. She has the grace and potential to do great things, and I would like to help her achieve her educational goals. Oh, by the way. I encouraged your friend Kelly to apply as well. She didn’t finish high school after her accident, but if she gets her GED this year, she might join you here at the university–of course, she wants to be in ranch management. And we could always use people of her strength and determination at our place." She looked at her watch. "I’m sorry, but we must go. Thank you again for being here, and for being Annie."

I flinched a little. When she thanked me for being Annie, did that mean she knew I really wasn’t Annie? After all, she might have run a security check on me. Naah. Then I remembered that in a little over an hour, Sarah Beth and I had both seen our educational futures fall into place. Neither Kevin or Mrs. C could make promises, but it did look good! We walked in, and I said goodbye to other Hope Haven friends who would be leaving for the weekend and miss our departure tomorrow.

We went out for dinner with the Holdings. Sarah didn’t eat much, because she was still queasy from chemotherapy, but we still had a great evening–especially when I told them about Sarah’s scholarship possibility.

Saturday, August 1

Sarah and I get up early to finish our packing. As I dress, I realize that tomorrow I’ll be back in my basic Mark wardrobe–grungy jeans, tee, and battered Reeboks. Will that seem strange to me after six weeks of being Annie? But for today, I’m wearing my favorite Annie outfit–the Tigger romper, with a white tee underneath, and the Tigger earrings that Sarah had bought me.

"I knew you’d want to wear that today," Sarah said as she struggled to get her loose-fitting jeans up over her prosthetic leg. "And I’m glad."

"Yeah," I replied as I slipped on my sandals. "But you told me I had to, right? It’s what I would have worn anyway, though. It’s my favorite. It’s comfortable, casual, cute, and friendly. Just like Sarah Beth, I might add."

"And just like Annie, too," she smiled.

I hooked the Tigger earrings through the bottom holes and slipped small hoops through the others, slipped on a bracelet, and put on my ankle chain. I started to put the rest of the jewelry in the box to pack it, when I pulled out the small diamond solitaire that Mrs. Cameron had given me as a pinky ring. "Here," I said, carrying it to Sarah Beth. "Try it on."

"It’s too big for a pinky ring," she said, pulling it out of the box.

"Try it on your ring finger, left hand," I smiled.

"Are you trying to tell me something," she asked, looking concerned.

"Uh–not right now, I’m not," I responded. "I just wanted to see how it fits."

She slipped it on. "It’s a little bit loose, but it looks nice."

"The jewelers back home can adjust it," I said, as I took the ring back and put it into the box. "By the way. I want to take you on a drive tomorrow afternoon, out to the old fort. I need to give the old Jeep some exercise, and we’ve had a lot of good times there. I haven’t been there since that day Julie came up with the idea that I could take her place with you here at Hope Haven. Maybe we can watch the sun go down over the mountains together. Would ya come? Please?" I had thought about taking her to another place, to our favorite overlook, but that was the place where she broke her leg and this nightmare had begun. The old fort had all good memories for us.

"I don’t know," she mumbled. "I think I’m going to be pretty tired tomorrow. But you can come over to the house."

"Sarah Beth, you can sleep all day tomorrow until four in the afternoon, then you need to come with me to the fort. It’s an order."

"Yes, ma’am–sir–whatever," she saluted. Sarah paused. "Wait a minute–diamond ring? Romantic place? This isn’t–you’re not going to–are you?"

"Sarah Beth Holding, I would ask it right now, except I don’t want you to tell the grandkids and great grandkids at our fiftieth anniversary that when I asked you to marry me, I looked like your sister."

She looked stunned. "Even after all this I’ve put you through? Even with all the questions about my health? Even though you’re athletic and walking will never be easy for me? Are you sure?"

"Surer than ever," I replied. I put my hands on her shoulders. "We’ll have to play it by ear, of course. Best case scenario, we’ll both get full rides here at the university, and we can get married next summer. Worst case, we work our way through, and get married when we graduate from the university. But I really don’t want to wait that long."

By this time, we were both crying and hugging. First, our mascara ran. Next, our lipstick got smeared, big time. Finally, she said "We’d better get cleaned up and finish packing before mom and dad get here. But yes, I’ll go with you to the fort tomorrow. And yes, bring the ring with you." She gulped. "And I’ll wear it home. I love you so much, Mark."

The Holdings came and it took just a few minutes to load our stuff into the minivan. I set my bike on Julie’s bike rack on the back of the van. We had a quick round of hugs with those who were left at Hope Haven over the weekend. I helped Sarah into the minivan, although she’s getting pretty good at it. She climbed up, sat sideways, pivoted, and pulled her right leg across with her hands. I stepped across and sat next to her, so my right leg was touching her left. A couple of minutes later, we were pulling away from the medical complex that had been our home, and the university that would become our home later, after we finished our senior year of high school. We held hands as we rode. Now and then, I would stroke her left ring finger, and she would grin at me.

"I’ll bet that you’ll be glad to have Mark back, won’t you?" Mrs. Holding turned back from the forward passenger seat to ask.

"I sure will! I can just relax and be me, and wear grungy comfortable clothes again. Although the new me with a shaved head and earrings may take some getting used to. I was teasing Sarah Beth that I should get a leather jacket, a skull tattoo, big boots, and a Harley." The Holdings laughed. They knew how square and conventional I was.

"Your hair will grow out fast enough," Mrs. Holding said. "All teenagers experiment with different styles. But most boys don’t experiment with styles quite as much as you did this summer! You really were quite lovely in the evening gown." Sarah couldn’t resist telling them about Kelly’s request that we be bridesmaids. Mr. Holding just shook his head, but Sarah’s mother said, "I’ll be there with my camera, darlings."

Eventually the four-way conversation ended. Sarah reached over and took my hand. She spoke softly, so we could have a private talk. "I’ll miss Annie," she said. "I’ll miss her a lot. Won’t you miss her?"

"Yeah, in some ways I will. I’ve enjoyed being Annie, more than I ever thought I would. You want Mark back, though, don’t you?" I asked nervously.

"Of course I want Mark back. Mark’s my lover and boyfriend and almost my fiancé, but Annie’s my security blanket. Can I see Annie sometimes after we get back home? Just once in awhile? When I really need her?"

"Like St. Barbara told us, I’ll always have Annie inside of me."

"But I want to see Annie–just once in awhile, when I’m feeling really down or insecure. I’d miss her too much not to ever see her again."

Wow. I wanted to hear this, and I didn’t. "You want me to dress up for you? To look like this?" I waved my hand from my wig, down past my Tigger romper, down to my blue painted toenails peeking out of my sandals.

She blinked, gulped, and nodded a tiny nod. "You don’t have to if you don’t want to, Mark. You’ve done so much for me already. I can’t really expect that, I guess. But if it’s okay with you, you could leave all your Annie stuff at my house, and you could put it on sometimes, and then we could sit and cuddle, like we did all those days at Hope Haven."

"Let me think about it a minute." I tapped my blue-nailed index finger on my chin. Slowly I smiled. "If it doesn’t have to be full-time, and if I don’t have to get my hair permed when it grows back in, or wear acrylic nails that last forever, sure. When you need to see Annie, you can see her." My hunch had been confirmed. Annie was going to be a visible part of my life for some time to come. And that was okay.

FINALE

It’s Saturday evening, and I’m finishing this journal. I’ll be keeping other journals of our life, I’m sure. My own fingertips are clicking on the keys of my laptop, rather than the acrylic nails I had worn for over 6 weeks. My hands look like guy’s hands again.

After we returned home to the Holdings and I helped them unpack, my folks swung by to pick me up. Later, with my wig, makeup, and earrings still on, I changed into sweats and running shoes, and drove to the nail shop. Joan Kim greeted me and took me to a back area, away from other customers. I gave Joan back the clothes that she had loaned me. Joan used all the right solvents to remove the acrylics and the blue polish from around the edges. I took off my wig, took out the earrings, put them all in my gym bag, hugged Joan, and left through the back door.

I went home, shaved the stubble off my head, and what was left of my poor eyebrows, so everything could grow back together–I hope. I thought about letting my beard grow, but then I remembered that Annie would be back, probably sooner than later, to be there for Sarah Beth, to go visit Roberta, and maybe–I hoped not–to attend Roger’s funeral. Until one of those times, though, Mark was back.

Well, almost. When I started writing this final entry, I changed into the shorts I was going to wear to bed. I took off my socks and shoes, and looked down at my blue toenails. Mom still didn’t have any polish remover, so I guess they will have to wait.

Blue Nails  © 2000 by Emmie Dee