"What does Shufflebottom's dad do?"

"What else, Susie - iguzzabout purrinipsifowk."

"Come again."

"Iguzzabout purrinipsifowk. He's a reet clever mon - as my granddad would say."

"Jeffrey!"

"Yes, chuck."

"Stop it!"

Susie and Jeffrey 25 - 31 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 25

"Gordon Bennett, Susie," I gasped as we untangled ourselves. "That was an unnerving way to wake up your Sleeping Beauty."

"Sorry, Jeffrey, I couldn't help myself." She moved back onto the side of the bed. "You looked so sweet lying there; I was overcome by an urge to play Handson and Grapple with Pinky and Perky."

"Well, it was quite a shock. I'm sure I've heard about people dying after being woken up like that."

"That's sleepwalkers, Jeffrey. Anyway, you can't have been that traumatised - you were soon giving as good as you got."

"That's beside the point," I protested. "You shouldn't have woofed in my ear and licked my face - I thought Wolf had jumped into bed with me."

"It was just my little joke," she grinned.

"After the week I've had, it could have had an unfortunate outcome - for both of us."

"I was in no danger; I checked you don't sleep with a bicycle pump under your pillow."

"You can joke, but I'm on edge as to what's going to happen next. I'm like a tightly coiled spring."

"Well, I've done my best to unwind you and I'm not finished yet." She pointed to the tray on my bedside table. "There, Jeffrey - I've brought you breakfast in bed."

I sat up and had a quick look. "Did you make this, Susie?"

"No, Jeffrey, your mother made it - you can tuck in with confidence."

"I didn't mean to upset you; it's just that mum knows exactly how I like things. I'm a bit faddy about my food."

"That comes as no real surprise. I think your mum might be finding it a little wearing. She seemed awfully relieved when I told her you wanted me to bring you breakfast in bed."

"It's my fault," I confessed. "I upset her with my Godel story."

"Perhaps it would be better if you didn't wear your mother's underwear, Jeffrey - stick to her skirts."

"What are you talking about? I've never worn any of her clothes - except when I was a kid - and that doesn't count because I didn't know what I was doing."

"You always know what you're doing," Susie snorted. "I'd rather see you in a suspender belt, but if that's what you really want, I'll get you a girdle."

"Not that sort of girdle. I'm talking about Kurt Godel - the mathematical logic genius."

"Can't help you there, I'm afraid, Jeffrey."

"Yes you can. You see I told mum about how he was paranoid and when his wife went in hospital, he wouldn't eat food prepared by anyone else and he starved himself to death."

"Hell, Jeffrey - why would you tell her that?"

"Well, she was saying how I was a faddy eater and what would I do when she was gone. I didn't mean to upset her - it was just a bit of idle banter."

"Your anecdotes have a tendency to the gruesome, Jeffrey; I haven't forgotten Newton's eyeball. You should think before you speak - like I do."

"Yes, Susie, but in the meantime could you let mum know I'm happy for you to feed me. Bring round a bag of chips for us to share - let her see me lick your fingers."

"Happy to oblige, but don't get carried away," she smiled. "Tell me, if that Godel was such a great logician why didn't he get a food taster or make his own meals?"

"He was deranged; he wasn't thinking straight."

"All that number stuff is dangerous - it even floored Russell Crowe. Thank goodness you've got Denise, Jeffrey - she's a safety valve."

"Pass the tray over, Susie."

"Look at that, your bread already cut up into a neat row of soldiers."

"I like to have a system, Susie, that's all. Organised - that's the way I see myself."

"Organdied, more like."

"You can mock. I'm spoiled; I admit it. But don't worry," I smiled, "after we're married, I won't always be comparing your peanut butter sandwiches to mum's."

"Are you still showing enthusiasm for things domestic, Jeffrey?"

"It's more the doing something together with mum; I've been missing out on that. You don't have to worry, I'll let you do your share of the housework."

Susie put the tray on my knee and knocked the top off the egg. "Come on - eat up, before it goes cold."

"Yes, mother."

"How right you are, Jeffrey," Susie grinned and dipped a soldier in the yolk. "Your mum's already gone out and left me in loco parentis. I had to swear I wouldn't let you land yourself in any more trouble."

"And she believed you?" I let the egg trickle down the side of my mouth in astonishment.

"Implicitly." Susie scooped the food back into my mouth with her finger. "You should be pleased she's happy to entrust you to my care."

"Now I know who I get my naivete from."

Susie took a drink of my tea. "You didn't have any trouble getting off school."

"No, mum rang up first thing and told them the events of yesterday had left their mark on me and I'd only just managed to get off to sleep."

"I tried something similar. Mum and dad wouldn't have it, even though I had Mikey back me up. I got him to tell them I came in distraught and overwrought - they didn't believe him either."

"Distraught and overwrought," I scoffed. "What a giveaway. Kids don't use words like that. You're too clever by three quarters, Susie."

"You can talk," she snorted. "Anyway, it worked - our unholy alliance so surprised them, they gave in without much of a fight. It was a bit of a disappointment really."

"Not for me, Susie. I can imagine you had some story about Jeffrey being a gibbering wreck in reserve."

"Quite the opposite - catatonic was what I had in mind," she sniffed.

I sighed, ate the last of the egg soldiers and polished off some almost cold sardines. "Brain food - that's what I need. Lots and lots of it - now I have you to contend with."

"Okay, Jeffrey, but don't overdo it - I'm not kissing anyone who has kippers for breakfast."

Susie put the tray aside on the bedside table and edged closer. "What would you like to do now?"

"Most of all, go back to sleep, but I know you won't let me."

"That would be selfish, Jeffrey - leaving me out in the cold."

"Ideally, Susie, we'd snuggle up together; you could be my teddy bear. I've never had one and I feel I've missed out on something."

"I'll make it up to you, but not this morning." Susie drew back the covers. "It's time we were out and about."

"I don't know," I stalled. "I think I need a period of reflection and calm contemplation to absorb exactly what's happening to me."

"Solitary brooding, Jeffrey - that's what you mean."

"No I don't: a quiet day in wouldn't do either of us any harm." I went over to the mirror and rubbed my lips with the back of my hand. "You should be helping me get off the remains of this make-up."

"Leave it alone, Jeffrey, or you'll give yourself a rash. Then you really will have some explaining to do."

"I suppose it isn't too bad - almost normal. I have naturally red lips, you know, Susie. My mum says people were always asking her if she'd been putting lipstick on me when I was a baby."

"Perhaps she had, Jeffrey. That's a very ambiguous baby picture of you downstairs - you're in a pink dress."

"I was only six weeks old; I didn't have any say in the matter. Everyone teases me about it, but mum loves it - she won't take it down."

"That's mother's for you. I expect she'll be putting up one of Denise next."

"I hope she does." I turned away from the mirror and Susie kissed me full on the mouth. "Your lips are positively glowing, Jeffrey," she chuckled when we separated. "I think you should let Denise brighten up a miserable Monday morning."

I looked at the rain trickling down the window. "This is definitely staying in weather."

"It's only a fine warm drizzle - just the sort of thing that makes you want to run naked through the fields. How would you fancy a little splendour in the grass moment, Jeffrey?"

"We're definitely not going out," I goggled. "Have you been googling the benefits of naturism?"

"No."

"Well, keep it that way. I don't want to find out if going naked is the best disguise."

"It's much more fun dressing you up, Jeffrey, but I suppose you'll be dressing down today."

"You're dead right about that. What's more, at the first sign of trouble I'm off and running in the opposite direction - and you'd better be following. Learn to think with your legs: safety first is to be our guiding principle from now on."

"You're over cautious, Jeffrey: next thing, you'll be looking both ways before Denise crosses her legs."

"I'd have good reason - sometimes I don't know whether it's Jeffrey or Denise who has just sat down. What I need is a stress free day at home."

"Rubbish, you're better off away from the house." Susie pointed to the postman going down the path. "If you have to answer the door, they'll think you've been playing with your mum's make-up. How are you going to handle that?"

"Simple: I'll just ignore them."

"They'll keep on ringing the bell. Funny how people always seem to know when somebody's in; it can drive you mad."

"I'll lock myself in the bathroom; they'll give up eventually. I always feel safe there," I sighed. "Sometimes I wish I'd spent the whole of last week on the bog reading an improving book."

"Enough of that, Jeffrey, we're going out and you won't have to worry about being seen - I've the perfect solution. Nothing changes a person's look so much as their hair; when I've worked my magic, you won't recognise yourself."

"Wakey-wakey, Jeffrey, open your eyes. It's time to view the new you."

"I wasn't asleep."

"Yes, you were."

"Well, that just goes to show how tired I am. I'm sleeping for two now, you know."

"A change is as good as a rest," Susie huffed and pushed me in front of the mirror. "Who's that, Jeffrey?"

"Oh God, you've made me look fourteen again."

Susie grinned in triumph. "More like twelve - plaits give you an even more little girl look than bunches. Go on - give them a shake."

"Aw, Susie I've come out in spots," I cried. "I knew all this upset would have an effect on me. This is all your fault; I was having a nice quiet puberty until you came along."

"All little girls should have freckles; I think they're are an inspired touch." She smacked my hand away. "Don't rub them, or they'll smudge."

"You've gone too far; I'm not going out like this," I spluttered. "It's not me - it's not even Denise."

"I thought that's what you wanted - a hairstyle and look no one would associate with Jeffrey."

I leaned forward for a closer inspection. "Aw, now you can see the bite marks on my neck. That settles it: there's no way I'm parading around as a twelve year old nymphomaniac."

"Don't exaggerate, Jeffrey," Susie snorted. "They're hardly visible. Anyway, your coat collar will cover them." She smiled and pinched my cheek. "I'm confident you can rise to the challenge, just act sweet and demure and you'll be able to roam around free from all cares."

"That's what you think. With my luck, this will be the day the police, social services and the education department mount a joint anti-truancy sweep. I'll be a prime target."

"Phooey. There are always loads of young girls in town, even on schooldays."

"Yes, but they're all pushing prams."

"Well, if you think it would help you blend in, we've an old baby carrier somewhere - would you feel happier with that strapped on?"

"No I wouldn't. What use is that without an old baby to put in it."

"As always, Jeffrey, you've hit the snail on its shed. Pity I wasn't a doll person - you haven't a life-size baby doll squirrelled away, have you?"

"No, I haven't. I've never had a doll of any sort."

"Not even an Action Man?"

"Especially not an Action Man; it's a funny sort of boy wants to play with one of those. I've steered well clear of them - and their owners."

"You're full of prejudices, Jeffrey; you should be more open-minded like me. Look how I accept your little quirks."

"I've one big quirk and it's called Susie," I sighed. "We're going into Thornley which, she should know, is not a chav town teeming with teenage mothers - it's a genteel place. What's more, on a Monday morning it'll be swarming with old-age pensioners on mobility scooters. It's like the bloody dodgems. Now, you've gone and made me swear again."

"There'd better be none of that when we're out - I don't want you showing me up."

"Susie, we'll stick out like a pair of sore thumbs."

"You're exaggerating, Jeffrey."

"I'm not: you won't find a Kentucky Fried Chicken or it's like - they're Marks and Spencer food hall people."

"You're making it sound your kind of town, Jeffrey."

I went back over to the window and decided to try a different approach. "It's raining harder; we can't bike it in this."

"That won't break my heart, Jeffrey; I'd rather be all shook up with you on the backseat of a tram."

"You promised you'd bike it. I was looking forward to that."

"The sooner I put these cheques in the bank, the sooner you'll get your share."

"Are you still giving me an advance?"

"All I've got. My word is my bond, Jeffrey. I've always been straight with you in money matters." She moved in closer. "You know all your assets are safe in my hands. "

I let Susie persuade me for five minutes before giving in. "If I agree, you won't moan the next time I want us to go out on our bikes."

"All right, but no 'Mary, Mary, quite contrary' act from you this morning."

"After what you've done to me, it's a wonder I don't thweam and thweam until I'm sick. I'm going to the bathroom, when I come back you can redo my hair and take off these freckles. I'm definitely not going out like this."

"Wait until you see yourself all dressed up, you might have second thoughts."

"No way ..." I was cut short by the phone. "Oh bugger - I can't risk answering that."

"It may be your mother; she'll worry if there's no reply."

"You get it and if it's not mum, pretend they've got the wrong number. I don't want anyone to know I'm home."

Susie skipped to the door. "Trust me, Jeffrey: for you, I'll lie like the truth."

I was in the bathroom when she came back upstairs. "Put it away, Jeffrey and get out here - we've no time to waste."

"This has always been my last refuge, but there's no hiding place from you, Susie," I moaned as I came out.

"That was quick - have you washed your hands?"

"Yes, I was taking comfort in good literature."

"Oh, what exactly were you reading - something I can share?"

"Just boy's stuff," I blushed. "You wouldn't be interested."

"Come on, you can tell me."

"If you must know, it was 'James the Red Engine' - I turn to it in times of trouble."

"If that's what you like I can 'choo-choo' in your ear the next time we have a little session."

"I'd prefer that to you 'woofing'. Now, what's the big hurry?"

"That was your aunt on her mobile. She's only five minutes away - I thought you'd like to know."

"And you've been letting me prattle away about trivia," I exploded. "We've got to get out of here."

I rushed back to my room and found a set of clothes already laid out on the bed. "Where did they come from?"

"I anticipated you might want to make a fast exit; I thought I'd give you a helping hand."

"Help me into a miniskirt, you mean; why can't I wear jeans like you?"

"I think you should play it safe - going for a boyish look has its dangers. You never know who's round the next corner."

"You're taking advantage of the situation, Susie," I whined as I pulled on the tights. I stopped when I had them half way up. "You could forgive me thinking there's more to this than meets the eye."

"I was only showing some initiative - you should be proud of me. We can hang around if you like and you can introduce me to your aunt."

"Oh, what's the use - I'm already half-way to paradise. It's not bloody fair. Help me on with the bra."

"I think they're getting bigger, Jeffrey."

"No they're not - I'm just excited. Hurry up," I urged. "I'm beyond the point of no return now. I could never explain this away."

"The make-up by itself would sink you - you're no worse off."

"I suppose so: you can't stop people jumping to the wrong conclusions on the flimsiest of evidence."

Susie helped me on with the rest of the clothes and we were ready to go. "What about your hair, Jeffrey?"

"I can stuff it under a baseball cap; we haven't time to bother about that now." I rushed Susie down the stairs and began to have third thoughts. "With your gift of the gab, how come you didn't manage to put her off?"

"I didn't get chance. When she heard my voice, the first thing she said was - 'You must be Susie - Jeffrey's girlfriend'."

"That woman's a witch."

"She didn't flummox me. I told her I was here to let the gasman in to fix the boiler," Susie smirked. "Which, I think you'll admit, was pretty resourceful, straight off the top of my head."

"Amazing, but then why is she still coming round?"

"She became a little suspicious."

"About what?"

"Well actually, a gasman wasn't the first thing that came to mind - he started out as a chimney sweep."

"A chimney sweep! Why would you say that? You didn't say I was stuck up the chimney, did you?"

"Of course not. It's just that Mikey was watching 'Mary Poppins' when I got home last night; he still has a thing about Julie Andrews. You'd have thought he'd have grown out of it by now. Sometimes, Jeffrey, I worry about that boy."

"Well, don't tease him about it, Susie - he's at a sensitive age," I cautioned as I picked up an umbrella in the hall.

"Don't let him see you with that," Susie grinned, "he already thinks Denise is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

"It's just the contrast with his bossy big sister, that's all."

"I don't know what you mean," Susie snorted. She took down one of mum's casual jackets. "Here put this on."

"No, you wear that, I'll wear yours."

Susie took off her coat and passed it over. "You see how understanding I am."

"I'll thank you properly later - let's get out of here."

I slammed the front door shut behind us, put up the umbrella, Susie ducked under it and we hurried down the path and out of the gate.

"Well, I've certainly learnt one thing over the past week."

"What's that, Jeffrey?"

"Never say never again, Susie."

 

Chapter 26

"This is one hell of a big umbrella," Susie grumbled as we hurried down the street. "If we go much faster, we'll be hang-gliding."

"I found it abandoned on the golf course; one slightly damaged spoke - that was all. It's amazing what people throw away. I've a telly in the shed ..."

"I hope you don't make a habit of going around picking up other people's rubbish."

"I'm recycling. What I need is another shed; I've missed out on a few free to whoever removes it ones. Now I've you to help me, we can go for the next one I see advertised in the Post Office window."

"I don't know about that, Jeffrey - having two sheds is the sort of thing that can lay you open to mockery. Besides, I'm not really into the second-hand scene."

"It might even be better to go as two sweet young girls," I mused. "We could get some extras thrown in."

"You believe you're more appealing in a skirt, do you, Jeffrey?"

"Undoubtedly, Susie: I look in the mirror and think - Denise, you could get away with murder. Not that I'm planning one, mind you."

"Denise would be better concentrating on fashion and make-up. She's a lot to learn and it's something we can do together."

"If that's what you want, when you pass your test, instead of a car, why not get a little van. We could cram all sorts of stuff in the back."

"I don't see our future as a pair of scrap merchants - however cute."

"Well, it was only an idea; it's always useful to have an extra source of income. Who knows - we might go on to greater things?"

"Keep your 'Where there's muck there's brass' ideas to yourself, Jeffrey. I have much more interesting plans for us."

"I just hope we won't be giving any of them a run out today." I looked back from the corner of street and saw a familiar car pull up outside our house. "She really was on her way round then."

"Did you ever doubt me, Jeffrey?"

"The thought had flitted across my mind, Susie, but I couldn't take the risk. I decided to take my chances as your little sister." I took off my cap and shook out my plaits. "Here put this in your bag. It must make me look silly; I felt like I had a bird's nest under there."

"That's better," Susie grinned. "You shouldn't hide away your crowning glory - especially after I took all that trouble over it."

"I only hope having to take care of a little sister will bring out your more cautious maternal instincts."

"I very much doubt it, Denise."

"So do I, Susie, but there's no going back now. Come on, I suppose I'll just have settle for you being my lucky mascot."

We were on the main street when I felt Susie's hand on my bottom. "Stop it - don't do that."

"What's the matter - got a boil on your bum?" she grinned. "I think that calls for a firm squeeze."

"No," I yelped. "Show some sense, Susie; you can't grope your twelve year old sister in public. It's ... it's inappropriate - what will people think?"

"But you're my sixteen year old boyfriend - nothing could be more natural."

"You should have thought of that before you dressed me up. I'm staying in character. In fact, I'm warming to the part. You were right - the younger I act, the safer I'll be - so don't go mucking about."

"It's hard to keep my hands off you, Jeffrey - I think I've always had a subconscious desire to have a cute little sister to play with."

"Rubbish: I don't believe you for a moment."

"Well, it's true," Susie pouted. "Don't tell me you've never nursed in your breast a half warmed fish."

"Oh, shut up. Keep your hands on the brolly and let's get out of here before we're arrested for lewd behaviour."

"I hope everywhere is this quiet, Susie," I sighed as we stood alone in the tram shelter. "A wet, miserable Monday morning is just what I need to dampen things down."

"That may suit Jeffrey, but Susie and Denise have a different outlook on life."

"Well, plaits or not, Jeffrey's staying firmly in control behind the scenes today and he won't be indulging in any silly nonsense."

"How would Jeffrey describe the kind of underwear he's got on?"

"Very comfortable - but you're not going to change the subject. We're embarking on a new regime; for a start, you'll be paying on the tram."

"Okay," Susie smiled.

"And for everything else."

"Fair's fair, Jeffrey - you wouldn't want to be a kept woman, would you?"

"I don't mind if you spend nothing on me. The best of women are those who are content with little. You should remember that, Susie."

"We're feminists - you remember that."

"It won't make any difference, because in the rush I've come out with no money - so that's the end of the matter."

"None at all? That doesn't ring true - I saw you slip some into your bra."

"I meant everyday money. As far as you're concerned, Denise is penniless. From here on, shopping isn't going to qualify as an emergency. Now get your purse out - here's the tram."

It was the one advertising Shoreham's ghost train; all black with a skull and cross bones decorating both ends.

We stepped out and Susie waved it down. "Our carriage awaits us, Denise - hop up and mind you don't show your knickers."

I grabbed the pole and jumped on with both feet. "Thornley town centre - my sister's paying."

Susie handed over a fiver. "One and a half, please," she grinned.

The driver turned and gave me a long hard look. I shyly tugged on a plait and tried to summon up a blush.

"She's more than eleven."

"That's the make-up. They sent her home from school for wearing it. She's turning into a right little minx - she bit the Mother Superior. I've had to come and collect her - she's been suspended."

"You're a cheeky bugger, but what's it to me? I can't be bothered arguing; I've a humdinger of a hangover. Get to the back and keep quiet. The last thing I want to hear this morning is two screaming schoolgirls."

"I don't want to be driven by a drunk, Susie."

"I'm not drunk; I'm just hypersensitive. Stop messing me about - on or off- make up your mind."

"We'll be okay: it doesn't need the higher brain functions to drive a tram. He's hardly going to take a wrong turning, is he?"

"Don't push your luck, young lady, I'm letting you get away with half fare as it is."

He handed over her change and we made our way down the empty carriage with Susie singing.

"Quiet, you'll have us thrown off. You and your 'one and a half' - no more of that, please."

"I thought you'd approve of me being economical with our money."

"Now you've turned me into a fare dodger. It'll be just my luck if an inspector gets on," I moaned as we spread ourselves on the back seat.

"I hear they're taking them to court as a deterrent to others; you'd better start sucking your thumb and practising your lisp," Susie smirked.

"If that doesn't work, I expect you to wrestle him to the floor while I make my getaway."

"You can rely on me, Jeffrey - I'll hang on like grim death."

"I wish we'd gone on the bus," I moaned. "It's eerie being the only passengers and that driver had a glassy look in his eye. I only hope the dead man's handle is fully functional."

"Perhaps our misdeeds have caught up with us," Susie whispered, "and this really is a phantom tram. We'll be spirited away, never to be seen again."

"You can't scare me - Denise is armoured with the innocence of a new born babe."

"A week old little devil is nearer the mark."

"Anyway, I wouldn't mind going off into the great unknown with you, Susie," I mused and snuggled closer. "Did I tell you one of my favourite fantasies was being alone on a starship in deep space?"

"I can't say that would be on my all-time top ten list."

"Then how about one where everyone has been wiped out by a killer disease and you've got the whole world to yourself?"

"No."

"Of course, I've modified them now and you're with me."

"Well, that's an improvement, Jeffrey, but don't turn it into an Adam and Eve fantasy where we repopulate the world. I don't feel up to that - let's stick to the free shopping scenario."

"That seems a trifle selfish. Killing off everybody so we can play dress-up in designer clothes."

"Well, it's a healthier reason than you wanting to play Greta Garbo."

"I don't: she's not my type - she's not cuddly enough."

"I never thought of myself as cuddly, Jeffrey."

"Trust me, Susie, you lack nothing in the cuddlesome department."

"Am I like a big floppy puppy?"

"No, you're my teddy bear."

She gave a grunt and squeezed me in her arms. "I hope you're not afraid of big bad bears."

"They're my favourite animals. I think that might have something to do with reading 'Exploration Team' at an impressionable age."

"Is that more science fiction?"

"Yes," I smiled. "What did you think of 'Shambleau'?"

"Very nicely read, but it's not the kind of thing to be taken seriously, is it, Jeffrey?"

"I certainly hope not, Susie - hug away, buggalugs."

We were interrupted by the sound of the doors opening. A woman with a baby in her arms got on. Susie released me with a groan when she continued along the tram towards us.

"Not in front of the children, Denise."

I sat up straight as the woman gave us a long hard look before taking the seat in front. I had a try at an explanation for our behaviour.

"Thanks, that was remarkable tongue control; you licked the eyelash out as clean as a whistle."

"That's how cats look after each other. You can thank me with your nice purr, Denise."

"Shush," I whispered. "Don't spoil it."

The baby's head and arms appeared over the back of the seat. It burped and looked me straight in the eye.

"Wave back, Denise - it wants to play with you."

"No it doesn't - it's not waving, it's frowning."

"That's because you're ignoring the little darling." Susie picked up my hand and waved it for me. "Cooee, this is Denise - what's your name?"

"Stop it, Susie." I made a face and stuck out my tongue - just as the woman turned around. "Goo-goo," I spluttered and rolled my eyes.

The baby gurgled with pleasure and held out its arms.

"Does little Cheyenne wants to play catch with the funny girl." The woman got up and swung the baby into my lap. "Over to you, dear."

"Catch her, Denise," Susie cried. "Don't drop the baby."

I wrapped my arms around her and we got a firm grip on one another. "What are you doing?" I gasped. "I don't know anything about babies. Here, take her back before she gets upset."

She sat down and leant over her seat. "Cheyenne's happy with you; let me have a rest. I wish I hadn't come out now; I'm worn out."

"Don't worry, Denise will look after her. Are you going into town?"

"I don't know; I heard the trams going past and I just wanted to go on a journey. I was fed up staring at four walls."

The woman picked up her bag and turned away. Susie looked at me. "I expect you know what we should do, Denise."

"No, I don't - you're the human relations expert. I've enough on my hands with Cheyenne here. Am I holding her right?"

"Do a bit of cooing and you'll be fine."

The woman had taken out her purse and was counting her money. "I knew that driver wasn't paying attention; I'm a pound short," she moaned.

"Never mind," Susie sympathised. "Tell you what - we'll see you've enough money for a taxi home, won't we, Denise?"

"I probably will, Susie."

"He's not cheating me," the woman fumed. "You take care of Cheyenne while I sort this out."

Before we could say anything more, she was on her way to the front of the tram.

"She won't get any change out of him, Susie."

"I hope she gives him a good ear bashing - he deserves it."

"He was only doing his job - we were in the wrong."

"That's dangerous talk, Jeffrey - let's hear no more of it."

The baby whimpered and I gently rocked her. "What do you think is going on in her head, Susie?" I whispered. "Mother's don't give their kids to total strangers."

"Perhaps she has postnatal depression. Maybe an argument with the driver is just what she needs."

"Well, you know more about that than I do."

"No I don't - and I think you're ahead of me in the baby care stakes as well. Look, the poor little thing is trying to get at your breast."

"What am I going to do? I've only got boy boobs."

"Whatever they are, they'll be more than adequate. Hold her to you; babies find the heartbeat soothing."

The baby closed its eyes and went to sleep with a smile on her face. "God, this is embarrassing, Susie."

"Don't be silly, it's the most natural thing in the world. There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"There's the name for starters - 'Cheyenne'. What were her parents thinking of? There are none of them around here; the local tribe was the Hekarwi."

"I thought this was a Viking stronghold."

"Before them - they were like the Picts, only five feet tall and a proud people. They marched through the lofty reed beds chanting 'Ware the Hekarwi - ware the Hekarwi' for all to hear."

"I hope you have to change her nappy, Jeffrey."

"Poor little diddums," I cooed. " A pretty little girl like you shouldn't be lumbered with a name like that."

"She could be a boy."

"That'd be even worse. Come to think of it, maybe she said 'shy Anne'; she didn't look the sort who'd pick an embarrassing name for her child."

"Yes, Cheyenne's the sort of thing a dopey fourteen year old chav would call her baby."

"That's what I mean - folk may think she's mine. Come on, you take her, please."

"You're no dopey chav, Denise - you look as bright as a button - a wonderful advert for young motherhood. Cheyenne's made her choice. She's decided Denise's breasts are best."

"She's only a baby - what does she know?"

"I shouldn't think you could have a better judge; I've said all along they're the genuine article."

"They're nothing a big tube of Clearasil couldn't shift."

"You're not rubbing that into them, are you?"

"No, and I haven't sent away for any breast enhancement cream either."

"You be satisfied with what you've got - size isn't everything. Anyway, they're all scams - don't listen to any of these silly tales that go around."

"Believe it or not, how to develop bigger breasts isn't a subject that has come up in the boys' changing room."

Susie put her face up against the window. "Hold on a minute, Jeffrey, that was someone waving at us from the last stop."

I looked up in alarm. "Where? I can't see anyone. Who was it - someone we know?"

"I think it was the baby's mother."

"Don't be daft ..."

We both looked down the tram we were alone again.

"She's dumped her baby on you, Jeffrey."

"Susie, what are we going to do?"

"Come on, we'll have to get the driver to stop."

We dashed to the front of the tram. "Hold on!" Susie cried. "We want to get off."

"You'll have to wait; I'm not running a taxi service."

"This is an emergency. Look - that woman's left her baby with me. Take us back to the last stop."

"Go in reverse - are you mad? That's more than my job's worth. I can't risk being breathalysed."

"You'll be a hero - they'll make you driver of the month," Susie chimed in.

"I'm not getting involved. You'll have to wait until the next official stop."

"That's no good; I don't want to be wandering around with someone else's baby."

"Are you sure it's not yours? It doesn't seem at all upset to have lost its mother."

"We'll bugger off and leave it with you," Susie threatened.

"You'd better not. I won't back up your story. I can get you in all sorts of trouble. Here's your stop - are you getting off?"

The tram halted and the doors opened. Susie was ready for an argument, but I pulled at her arm. "We don't want to upset the baby with a shouting match - let's go."

"Listen to her - mother knows best."

I saw a flush appear on Susie's cheeks and I jumped out. "Ow! Help, Susie."

She tumbled out after me. "Are you all right? I was about to bop him one."

"I know: I couldn't let you do that."

"I've a good mind to get back on."

"Swallow your pride, Susie."

She gulped and grimaced. "They're right, Jeffrey - discretion is the bitter part of valour."

 

Chapter 27

"We can't sit here all day, have you decided what you want to do?"

"We wouldn't be in this mess if you'd been more polite to that driver."

"What do you mean? We were getting along fine until you called him a drunk. You lack tact, Jeffrey."

"I'm sorry, Susie; I shouldn't blame you, but I'm worried that woman might claim we stole her baby."

"Why would she say such a thing?"

"Who knows? If she's capable of abandoning her baby she's capable of anything."

"In that case, the sooner we hand her in at the police station the better."

"It's not like handing in a wallet; there'll be questions - lots of questions - lots of probing questions."

"It's either that or play pass the parcel with her."

"That's too dangerous. Then we'll look all the more guilty if that crazy woman tries to put the blame on us."

"Perhaps she's not crazy and she just forgot."

"Perhaps I'm home in bed dreaming all this."

Susie gave me a punch on the arm. "I'm not a figment of your imagination, Jeffrey."

"You're right: I couldn't have dreamt this last week up in a million years."

The baby gave a soft cry. "Calm her down, Jeffrey - we don't want to attract attention."

"I'm the one who needs calming down - a baby is a big responsibility. You've had a little brother - you must know more about it than me. Go on, you take her for a while."

"No, she's got used to you; more chopping and changing will only add to the upset. Hug her and show her some affection - you don't want to give her a complex."

I got up. "Come on, the police station's this way - let's get there before she really starts screaming."

"Kiss her and do some baby talk."

"I'm not walking down the street goo-gooing."

"Try a nursery rhyme."

I managed to keep her amused until the police station came in sight.

"Give me a break, Susie, I've run out of things to say."

She grabbed one of my plaits and started pulling.

The baby grasped my other plait and joined in the tugging.

"Aw, stop it - I'm getting head sore and you'll give her nightmares."

"She's laughing - it's just the kind of thing baby's like."

"Nonsense, it doesn't even rhyme."

"It's blank verse - that's what Shakespeare and the really top poets write."

"Just gurgle at her until we get there, Susie."

"If we keep hanging around here, they'll wonder what we're up to. Come on, there's no need to be nervous - look at their motto." Susie pointed at a plaque on the wall - 'Your County, Your Police, Your Say'.

"I think 'The Customer Is Always Wrong' would be more appropriate," I griped. "You'll have to take in the baby, Susie; I'll wait out here. I can't give them my name and address; it will only lead to trouble."

"We'll make one up."

"That's no good; the first thing they'll do is check it out."

"To tell the truth, I'm not keen on going in there by myself. I could be arrested for baby snatching."

"Don't be daft."

"I'm not: you're right - they're a suspicious lot. They might think I'm suffering from Munchausen's syndrome."

"You, Susie - don't be ridiculous."

"If that batty woman turns up, who knows what she might say. It'll be her word against mine - they might not believe me."

"You haven't got form, have you, Susie?"

"Of course, I haven't got form," she spluttered. "What put that idea in your head?"

"Well, you're usually so confident. I thought you'd take this in your stride."

"I've realised it could turn into an awkward situation. Like you said, it's not a bunch of keys I'll be handing in."

"Well, it'll be even worse for me."

"That's what comes of accepting gifts from strangers. You should have been more careful."

"We can't just dump it and scarper - then we really will look guilty. We'll already be on half a dozen security cameras."

"All right, I suppose there's no other way, but I expect you to wait faithfully for me if I get sent down."

"I'll be a model of fidelity - like Penelope."

"You'd better not: she was having it off with Parker, old man Tracy and all the brothers."

"I missed that: is it an extra on the DVD?"

"No, it's in the subtext: all those cult shows are full of hidden meanings. I hope I haven't shattered your illusions."

"Actually, I was referring to Odysseus's wife."

"I knew that. I'm well up on the ancient Greek stuff. He was the one who fought the skeletons."

"That's near enough. Anyhow, I never liked Lady Penelope - she was a stuck-up snob. I really fancied Tin-Tin though - she was one of my favourite fantasy girls."

"She's made of wood."

"You're not the only one blessed with a vivid imagination, Susie."

"You deserved to get splinters," she snorted. "Come on." She lowered the umbrella and we walked through the open outer doors.

"Pass her over."

"Easier said than done - she can certainly grip." I gently prised one hand free of my coat and it immediately latched on to my hair.

Susie took an arm and we were still struggling to make the transfer when I felt a gentle push.

"In you go girls - you're blocking the doorway. Watch what you're doing with that brolly, you'll have someone's eye out."

We stumbled forwards; the automatic doors opened and we were inside - directly in front of the reception desk.

"What can I do for you?"

"I think we want lost property or missing persons."

I let Susie do all the talking and we ended up in an interview room with a friendly sergeant and a silent policewoman sitting off to one side. She looked like she didn't approve of young girls with babies.

Susie told our tale to the sergeant.

"We were on the tram minding our own business when ...

... and here we are."

The sergeant rocked back on his chair and gazed up at the ceiling. "Cheyenne, you say, that could be an important clue if you heard it right. There can't be many of them around here." He leaned forward and focused on Susie. "So you don't really know if this woman was the mother or not."

"Well, there didn't seem much of a bond between them and it's hardly been pining for her."

The sergeant looked across at me. "She seems very attached to this little girl." He gave me a friendly smile. "I'm sorry, dear, I've been ignoring you - what's your name?"

"Ich bin Heidi. Ich spreche nicht sehr gut Englisch." I gave Susie a kick on the ankle and hoped she wouldn't be too carried away.

Susie's face broke into a smile and she wrapped her leg around mine. "Heidi's a Swiss miss; she's here on an exchange visit. She understands all you say, but she's shy about speaking English to strangers - she's afraid of being misunderstood."

"Don't - worry - dear," he shouted. "You're - doing - a - great - job - with - the - little - papoose." He turned to Susie. "Would she like a cup of tea?"

"Not unless you've some goat's milk. Heidi's been having a bit of tummy trouble. She hasn't settled into our diet yet. You haven't a bar of Toblerone, have you? Her face lights up when she sees one - it reminds her of home."

"Toblerone yummy," I smiled and licked my lips.

"She likes you; she's talking English for you."

"There's a packet of chocolate buttons in the drawer, but they've melted. I think someone's been sitting on them."

"That's okay - we don't want to spoil our dinner. I'm taking Heidi to 'Harry Ramsden's' for a treat - she loves fish. Isn't that right, Heidi?"

I nodded and continued concentrating my attention on Cheyenne. I'd been goo-gooing away like mad in the hope of avoiding any questions.

"Little Heidi certainly loves playing mummy."

"She adores babies - she can't wait to have one all of her own. She loves to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet around the house."

"Das ist schon die katzchen."

"Yes, but you're the one who makes it wear clogs." Susie laughed and turned to the Sergeant. "Just a little private joke."

"Back to business: I need your full names and addresses."

"Langstrump: that's the Swedish side of the family. She's Heidi Langstrump - a Swiss Swede."

"How old is she?"

"She's fourteen, but she's precocious. She reads Schopenhauer - he's her favourite poet. Go on, Heidi, do your party piece - give us a bit of Schopenhauer."

In the vain hope that he might overlook our addresses, I plunged in.

"You're a little girl Elvis," the sergeant beamed.

I turned to Susie and hidden by the baby's head, I stuck out my tongue.

"I'm a big Elvis fan. I do an impression of him as my party piece - the mature Elvis, of course. I've lost my swivel - my hips aren't what they used to be."

"You come out eating a couple of deep fried Mars bars, do you?"

"It was bananas fried in butter - all true fans know that."

"Whatever - just be careful you don't fritter your life away."

I cringed and gave Susie a kick. "Halt den Mund."

The sergeant's phone rang and we didn't get a chance to see if he appreciated Susie's humour.

"What are we going to do?" I silently mouthed to her.

She shrugged her shoulders and mouthed back. "Keep him talking and hope for the best."

We sat and listened to the sergeant's side of the conversation. His 'yes', 'really' and 'is that a fact' didn't tell us much.

He finally put down the phone and gave a wide smile. "We've found the parents; they're on their way over. Mother and child will soon be reunited."

"Best police force in the world," Susie beamed back.

"We can't take all the credit, others have played their part."

"What happened then?"

"The mother came home and found baby and next-door neighbour had both disappeared. It's a funny old case all round. Employing a baby-sitter who keeps a pet python isn't something I'd recommend."

"They can swallow a pig whole, can't they?"

"Precisely: the mother was frantic until the lads broke in next door and she saw there was no tell-tale bulge. They've been looking for her ever since; it seems she just went walkabout. We still haven't found her."

"It was lucky she decided to entrust little Cheyenne to Heidi's tender loving care." Susie gave me a pat on the head and I smiled winsomely - I think.

"It was indeed. The woman's obviously not fully compos mentis. You'd have thought being neighbours they would have had an inkling all was not as it seemed."

"Who knows who's a good maid?" Susie nodded in my direction. "That's what they say in Switzerland, isn't it, Heidi?"

"Du bist verruckt, Susie."

They both smiled at me.

"I hope that was German."

"Yes, she said 'You're correct, Susie'."

"I suppose anyone can be fooled, even smart young girls like you. Little Cheyenne there has been pulling the wool over your eyes - she's a boy."

"It was an easy mistake to make. We haven't had any experience of this sort of thing, have we, Heidi?"

"One should never jump to conclusions. See there, where it says sex, I've left it blank. It was just a certain look he had."

"You've probably developed a sixth sense for these little subtleties over the years."

"Not much gets past me. Right, let's get the paperwork finished. Your friend is Heidi Langstrump and what's her address - is she staying with you?"

"Yes, we're cousins."

"And you're Susie ...?"

Susie looked at me and rolled her eyes. I was wondering if she wanted me to stage a fainting fit when the door burst open.

"Where is he - where's my darling Cheyenne?"

A wild-eyed young woman entered the room and made straight for me.

"Here you are." I held out the baby to her and she snatched him away.

Cheyenne let out a piercing war whoop and the sergeant covered his ears. The policewoman turned her back on us as she tried to calm the woman down.

"This is our chance," I whispered to Susie. "Let's get out of here while they're otherwise engaged."

We were halfway out of the door when the sergeant glanced in our direction.

"Heidi's got the trots again. It must be all this excitement."

"It's on the left at the end of the corridor."

We shut the door behind us and fast walked to the exit. Back on the street we broke into a run and didn't stop until we were two streets away.

"I wouldn't want to go through that again, Susie."

"I think Heidi enjoyed playing mummy. I hope you don't come over all broody now you've had to give the little one up."

"Babies are a great responsibility, Susie; we should wait a few years before having any of our own."

"That's probably best: I don't want to give dad a heart attack. It's a shame to let your natural talent go to waste though - babysitting can be very lucrative."

"No way: you can forget that."

"Don't be too hasty - it would mean some quiet nights in together and it's easy money."

"For you, maybe."

"You owe me; we've probably passed up on a big reward there."

"It's your own fault for making me come out as Denise - you can't have everything. Anyway, virtue is its own reward; one never loses by doing a good turn."

"Shut up, you smug bugger - and don't pretend you're a reluctant girlfriend either."

"I'm allowed a little self-satisfaction getting out of that unscathed."

"You've me to thank for that, Heidi. I hope you appreciate how cleverly I set up the toilet escape by telling them you had a dicky tummy."

"It was random babbling on your part and stop calling me Heidi - I'm confused enough already."

"No, I like it - you're going to be my pretty little Fraulein today. Twirl your plaits and say something in German - it's such a turn on."

"You're barking mad, Susie. You're going to land us both in big trouble. You nearly went too far with that Schopenhauer thing. What on earth possessed you to say that? I'm surprised you've even heard of him."

"Me too, Adolf Schopenhauer, the name just popped into my head. I didn't know he was a songwriter."

"It's Arthur Schopenhauer and he's a gloomy German philosopher."

"And part-time poet, obviously," Susie added. "Arthur - that doesn't sound very Germanic. I think you're mistaken there. Next thing, you'll be telling me it was Arthur Hitler," she laughed. "I suppose it could be Arnold Schopenhauer or am I mixing him up with Arnold Schwarzenegger."

"That's hardly likely."

"I don't know: they're both Germans with dorky English first names."

"Arthur's a noble name - there's King Arthur."

"Bit of a jerk really -that business with Lancelot and Guinevere."

"You shouldn't mock a great English hero."

"What's the matter - you're not Jeffrey Arthur Smith, are you?"

"No, I'm plain Jeffrey Smith - and I hope you don't think Jeffrey is a dorky name."

"Unfashionable, but solid and reliable, it goes well with Susie," she grinned. "But at the moment I want some more Heidi."

"Can't I just be an ordinary girl?"

"I'll buy you a Toblerone - we can eat it together."

 

Chapter 28

We arrived at the town centre crossroads. "My palms are already itching, Jeffrey. Look at that - a bank on every corner."

"I suppose that gives us a sporting chance they won't pick ours to rob," I conceded.

"Cheer up - this should be just the kind of place to make you feel at home."

"Which one have you honoured with the privilege of holding your money, Susie? Something I still can't believe I'll be doing."

"Quit moaning and follow me." She led the way up to a pair of solid wooden doors festooned with polished brass. She gave them a thump. "This is what I want my funds to be behind - not some flimsy sliding glass affairs. You couldn't crash through these on a mobility scooter. That's what happened across the road and he got clean away."

"It must have been specially souped up for the occasion."

"No, he hadn't stolen anything; it was just an accident. But it makes you think twice about letting them have your money."

"I know what you mean, Susie; I only hope there are some fine upstanding Victorian bankers in here to match the doors."

We made our way into the long narrow building. "I like the smell of a bank in the early morning, Jeffrey - it's the smell of Capitalism."

"It's a heady perfume, Susie. I bet they use proper furniture polish and not that spray-on stuff."

"This oak panelling was salvaged from Nelson's wrecked flagship, the Foudroyant."

"Are you sure? I thought that was in the football club boardroom."

"Well, this bank was built to look like the bridge of a ship; there must be a bit of authentic stuff in here somewhere."

We sat on the plush leather bench under the windows while we waited. "I like this traditional atmosphere."

"Me too, but you can be too old-fashioned; they were more than sniffy when I asked for a credit card."

"Just banker's caution - that's a good thing. Anyway, they couldn't give you one, you're not old enough."

"I'm mature - they should make allowances. Sudden wealth wouldn't go to my head; I know how to look after my money."

"You're certainly adept at handling other people's."

"That's very perceptive. Banking may be my true calling - sometimes I wish I had more of a mathematical bent, like you."

"I don't think that should hold you back - economics is a black art. You'd do very well shifting money around. Creative people like you are just what the finance industry is crying out for."

"You're right: I'm not totally innumerate; I did pass GCSE maths. I should keep it in mind. It's always an advantage to have another string to your bow - know what I mean, Heidi?"

"Exactly, Susie," I sighed and whispered. "I've been weighing up the other customers while you've been rabbiting away. Take a sneaky look at that woman over there."

"I already have - you're not the only one who can do two things at the same time. She's a man: don't stare - you'll make her feel uncomfortable."

"She keeps playing with her bag; I bet she's got a gun in there - she's working up the nerve for a hold-up."

"Don't be daft: it's his first time out, that's all. He's realised it may have been wiser not to dress as Marilyn Monroe."

"That's a bank robber's favourite ploy - you read about it all the time. Why else would he come here in disguise?"

"Well, you have."

"No I haven't - I'm in disguise as Jeffrey."

"Are you really?"

"Well, sort of - I don't know. It's ... Oh bugger, here come the rest of the gang - Cher and Madonna."

"They're three strapping lasses, Jeffrey; they'd make a fair back row. This should be one hell of a robbery."

I got up to go. "We'll come back when it's over, Susie - let them steal the bank's money not ours."

"Don't you want to watch?"

"We're hostage material - move yourself."

Before I could get Susie on her feet, two men came out of the manager's office. Marilyn drew a gun and waved it in the air. One of the men stepped back and looked in our direction.

"He's coming to get us," Susie whispered.

"I hope you're satisfied - hang it, what if we end up locked in the vault. Let's run for it."

Susie held on to my arm. "Don't despair, worse things happen at sea."

"Sometimes, you verge on the Pollyannaish," I hissed.

"I don't think we've anything to worry about," Susie smiled as I tried to pull her after me. "Look who it is - and before you ask - I knew nothing about this."

The young man approaching was Steve Spooner, and back at the group they were exchanging kisses.

"Hello again, Susie, I need you to add some glamour to our little gathering. Where's Denise - is this her kid sister?"

"No, it's me," I admitted, and sank back down on the seat.

His jaw dropped. "But you're only twelve."

"Yes, and I could get you in big trouble over those pictures. You and your 'I can help you be a model'. My mum's a policewoman - she's warned me about men like you."

"Take no notice - she's winding you up." Susie interrupted.

Spooner turned to her. "And how old are you?"

"Nearly seventeen and ..."

"She's only just sixteen, and she can barely manage to act that."

"Stop it, Denise. You're just in a huff because you got in a tizzy about a bank robbery."

"Oh, our little handover ceremony with the Funnee Girlz. You have to find a way to brighten up things. I was going to ask you to be in the picture; according to old Horrocks, you're two real funny girls."

"That's a great idea; then his readers can play - 'Spot the Balls' - eh, Denise."

"You can be awfully crude, Susie."

"Come on, Cher and Madonna are handing over the cheque from their charity evening to the 'Mayor's Young People Fund' - you can pose as grateful beneficiaries."

"Where's the Mayor?" Susie asked.

"That's Marilyn: he insisted on entering into the spirit of things - though I think there may be a bit more to it than that."

"Come on, Denise, you'll be in good company." Susie took my hand and pulled me up.

Steve took a close look at my face. "Those freckles aren't real - what's going on?"

"Susie has a few little quirks; you wouldn't believe what I have to do to please her."

"You're not really twelve."

"I'm sixteen."

"She's fourteen."

"I'm not - I'm sixteen."

Steve had a closer look. "I'm taking no chances; I'm treating you like you're fourteen."

I glared at Susie as we walked over. "We're supposed to be having a quiet day at home recuperating."

"Skipping school are you?"

"We've been allowed some shopping therapy after yesterday's upset - it's all above board."

Mayor Marilyn greeted us with a smile. "Just what we need to complete the picture - two delightful representatives of the younger generation. Who do I have the pleasure of addressing?"

"This is Heidi ..."

"And she's Brunnehilde - we're on an exchange visit from Dusseldorf."

"Our twin town; it couldn't be better," he smiled and moved between us. "One on each side of me, I think. You speak excellent English; you've even picked up the local accent."

"We're half and half, aren't we, Heidi? We've a foot in both camps."

"Yes, Hildy - it can be quite confusing at times."

"You'll find being bilingual a great help in later life, dear. I wish I had a second language."

Steve Spooner arranged everyone as he wanted and we were pictured with the bank manager handing over the cheque at gunpoint to the Mayor.

"Great," Steve enthused, "just what I wanted."

"Wouldn't it have been better if they'd come as Bonnie and Clyde?" Susie suggested.

"No, dear," Cher pouted, "glamour's our thing. We don't want to walk around in dirty old raincoats."

"Is there much money in female impersonation?"

"It's a labour of love."

"Heidi likes dressing up She's an exhibitionist. You should see her mime to 'Dancing Queen' - she's very convincing."

"It's not quite the same thing."

"She could tell everyone she's a boy; there are some very pretty boys."

"That'd be cheating."

"It wouldn't matter if no one found out. The more feminine you look the better - right."

"Yes, but there's got to be artistry to go with it - that's what people want to see."

"It's not what I'd want to see. I bet nobody would know if a girl pretended to be a boy dressed up as a girl."

"They'd never get away with something like that."

"Well, I wouldn't be surprised if someone was already doing it."

"I've had my suspicions about Kylie," Madonna put in. "She's very petite."

"Don't be catty because she's younger than you; learn to grow old gracefully like me. Kylie's a nice girl and she's all boy."

"How come you're so sure - has something been going on between you two?"

"Now see what you've done," Cher seethed. "Pushing yourself into our picture and causing trouble."

"Leave the poor girl alone; it's not her fault that bloody thong's cutting you in half."

Steve stepped between them. "Hold on, I'd like a few shots of you two ladies for the archives."

I took Susie's arm. "You'd cause trouble in an empty house - let's get our money and go."

She was about to protest when the mayor stepped forward. "Come over here, girls." He steered us towards the window. "We can't have little Heidi picking up that sort of language - I've our international reputation to think of. Tell me," he beamed, "which is the best boy band in Germany?"

"I'm not interested in that sort of thing."

"Heidi is a little touchy about pop culture - she's an intellectual."

"Ah, you like the classical stuff - Pavarotti singing 'Nessun Dorma'?"

"I prefer his 'No matter how young a prune may be, it's always full of wrinkles'."

"I'm not familiar with that - it doesn't sound very highbrow."

"It's an old German folk song - it loses something in the translation."

"Well, you don't want to bother with the serious stuff when you're young. Have some fun. What are you reading at the moment?"

"Plato - 'The Souls Choose Their Lives'. Brunnehilde likes to share something metaphysical last thing at night."

"What's that about then?"

"It's an account of a soldier's near death experience. He sees souls deciding who they'll be in their next life on Earth - an animal or a man or a woman. You can choose the personality to suit you best - a housewife, a career girl, or a bimbo."

"Marilyn wasn't a bimbo - she was a serious actress. This is my tribute to a wonderful woman."

"You should come over to Dusseldorf dressed like that," Susie chipped in. "Germany's overrun with cross-dressers - they're everywhere. You could be Mayor and go around like that full time."

"I don't make a habit of this you know - it goes with the job."

"Don't worry: we'd vote for you, wouldn't we, Heidi."

"Early and often, Hildy."

"Thank you, girls," he smiled, "it's been most interesting meeting you. Look out for me on our next fact finding jaunt to Dusseldorf." He patted us both on the head. "Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt."

Chapter 29

"You can relax now, Heidi and enjoy the rest of the day. Here we are, a hundred pounds the richer, and not a hair out of place."

"Just more photographic evidence against me," I reminded her, as we left the bank. "But I suppose I can always emigrate - was that true what you said about Germany?"

"I've no idea - they're jolly keen on uniforms though, aren't they? It's all the same thing."

"I'm not interested in uniforms."

"Think about it - are you sure?"

"Well, maybe one that was a nice snug fit ... and I didn't have to clump around in big heavy shoes."

"You'd like it to enhance your figure."

"Yes, but I don't want big padded shoulders or anything like that. I wouldn't want to appear butch."

"Would you mind showing off a bit of thigh?"

"No."

"How about a little cleavage?"

"A modest amount."

"I can't wait to go shopping for Bunny Denise's outfit."

"Make sure you get it in blue; I want it to match my eyes."

"Careful, Jeffrey - you may be developing a fashion sense."

"Something else I'll have to keep under wraps at school.p"

"Don't frown, it doesn't suit you." Susie pointed to the sky. "Look a rainbow - just for us. Richard Of York ... - bum, I can only make out six colours."

"Don't worry, Newton sneaked in an extra one because of seven's supposed mystical properties."

"There is something magical about rainbows," Susie reflected. "You can take the umbrella down; the sun has got his hat on. It makes me want us to skip along hand in hand."

I winced and pulled a face. "What's come over you, Susie?"

"I can't help myself; it's the effect you have on me. No more Pollyanna cracks, please." I saw a smirk forming on Susie's face.

"Before you say anything - yes, I've read it and 'Little Women' and 'Heidi'. In fact, I've read the whole bloody lot - and enjoyed them - but not as much as 'James the Red Engine'."

"I read the first page of 'Tom Brown's Schooldays', but I couldn't get into it."

"That gave me nightmares."

"Stick to the modern classics; 'The Bash Street Kids' were my favourites."

"That's no surprise at all. I just wish you didn't think we can behave like them and get away with it."

"You worry too much - remember - present fears are worse than future troubles."

"Whoever said that should be made to spend a week with you, Susie."

We wandered hand in hand down the street in a warm sea breeze. I had a big smile on my face.

"A skirt suits me, doesn't it, Susie."

"Yes, Heidi, but don't keep admiring yourself in every shop window."

"I'm only checking out how recognisable I am." I glanced sideways at my reflection. "Who's that girl, Susie?"

"Stop messing about." She took my arm and steered me across the road.

"Aren't we going home?"

"Let's make a day of it. We'll wander around for an hour and then find somewhere to eat. You can choose - as long as it's not raw fish."

"We could share a plate of tripe."

"You're joking: that's my number one crap food. Teenage girls don't eat tripe."

"Some of them talk it."

"Given half a chance, you're just as bad."

"My granddad can't get enough of it. Perhaps it's the salt, pepper and vinegar, he drowns it in, he likes. I hope you'll be polite when we're invited round for tea."

"Can we go on a day when normal junk food is on the menu?"

"They have rabbit for Sunday dinner; it's all right, but it's a nuisance picking out the lead shot."

"You shouldn't tease me, Jeffrey; I'm the girl who's emptied her current account for you. I must really be in love."

"You got six hundred and fifty in cheques," I reminded her. "What's more, I'll still be out of pocket when I get back my hundred - which by the way is in your bag."

"It's safe in there, Jeffrey."

"It'd be even safer in my pocket."

"Girls don't go around with money stuffed in their clothes; they avoid unsightly bulges."

"Five twenties is hardly a wad of notes."

"It's the principle, Jeffrey - you must rid Denise of these boyish habits. We should buy you a nice shoulder bag."

"I prefer this umbrella."

"You can't walk around with that every day - what will people think? From now on it's a bag or a pink parasol."

"It'd better be a good strong one - I want to be able to carry a half brick around in it."

We passed a vintage open topped double-decker bus being used as a tourist information centre.

"Let's go up top and wave to people - they'll think we're royalty."

"They'll think we're nuts. What's got into you, Susie?"

"It must be going around with my little sister. She makes me feel young and carefree again."

"She's supposed to make you feel old and responsible. Stop pulling on my plaits."

Susie smacked me on the bum. "Come on, let's do some window shopping."

"Okay, but I'm not trying anything on."

We reached the undercover market at the top of the street.

"Let's have a browse around in here."

"Okay," I agreed. "They don't have any changing rooms in there; I'll risk having to try on a silly hat."

The first stall in was for second hand books. "Let's see if there's anything old and interesting, Susie."

I rummaged through the piles, but all they seemed to have was modern paperbacks, car manuals and cookery books.

"Here's one for you, Heidi." Susie gleefully held up 'The Young Mother's Handbook'.

"No thanks: moths give me the creeps," I shuddered. "You won't catch me going out at night with a butterfly net."

She managed a discreet smack on my bottom. "You didn't have to do that, Susie - a pun is its own reword."

She rolled her eyes, but before she could retaliate a cry of panic came from across the aisle. "I've swallowed the stone."

We looked up and at the farm shop stall a small boy of about four was clutching at his throat.

"Serves you right, you greedy pig; you'll be dead within the hour," his older sister, laughed. "A damson tree will grow in your stomach and come up out of the top of your head."

"No it won't," he shrieked. "Mum, where are you?"

"Yes it will - you're doomed. I'm going to plant you in the garden and the dog will pee on you."

The boy burst into tears.

"I hope you didn't treat Mikey like that, Susie. It could scar a kid for life."

"That's all water under the bridge - I'm a reformed character. Watch this: you may have a way with babies, but this situation calls for someone well versed in child psychology."

Susie picked up a discarded damson stone and went over to the pair.

"Don't worry, we'll soon have it up and out. When I pat you on the back, cough into this handkerchief."

Susie held it to his lips and gave me a confident wink. "Ready - one, two, three."

She thumped him on the back. The lad coughed, hiccupped and gulped. Susie opened the handkerchief with a flourish. "Well done - you can keep it as a souvenir."

"There's nothing in there," his sister crowed.

"Yes, there is," he wailed. "I felt something in my throat."

"It must have stuck up your nose then, now you'll die even quicker."

Susie shook the hanky and when nothing came out, the boy screamed even louder.

She looked at me in alarm. "Where's it gone, Heidi?"

"The obvious place, Susie." I put my hand on the boy's ear and tweaked it. "There we are," I said, as I flipped my concealed stone forward, caught it and gave it to the boy. "No damage done."

"You're an interfering busybody with silly little girl hair." The sister yanked on my plait.

"Leave her alone." The boy kicked his sister on the shin and they were at it like cat and dog.

"Do something, Susie."

"Don't be alarmed, Heidi; it's only healthy sibling rivalry, something you've never experienced."

"Thank God for that. Move yourself - here comes the mother. Let's be off."

I pulled Susie towards the door.
"I don't know why we should always be making hasty exits," she protested, "it's undignified."

"Never mind that - come on."

Back out on the street, I took Susie's hand. "I got you out of another hole you dug for yourself," I smirked.

"Sometimes, Jeffrey, you can be insufferable," she whispered.

"Don't begrudge Heidi her little triumphs, Susie - it's not sisterly."

"I have to admit it was deftly done. What would I do without you, Jeeves? You're full of hidden talents."

"All those long lonely hours in my bedroom before I met you - I had to find something to do with my hands," I explained flipping a coin back and forth across my knuckles. "A neat trick, isn't it, Susie? I should be the magician and you should be my assistant - I know quite a few card tricks."

"Don't show them to me, Jeffrey."

"Let's go in Menzies, Susie, the local paper will have arrived."

"Do you want to see if we're famous?"

"I'd like to know if I'm going to be notorious."

We made our way to the newspaper racks. The bomb scare was front-page news, but the only photo was of an actor who'd had a walk on part as a minor monster in Doctor Who.

"Look at that: he's got his picture in the paper and he left an hour before anything happened."

"You've been saved by the media obsession with Z-class celebrities. It seems our heroism has gone unreported; we haven't even made it as a piece of light relief." Susie moaned as she thumbed her way through to the back pages. "No mention either of local girl triumphs in chess tournament. It's football, football, football."

"Perhaps they'll squeeze you in tomorrow with the snooker, darts and dominoes."

"Philistines!" She threw the paper down. "Come on, we'll have a read of the magazines."

"I've a lot of catching up to do; so don't rush me away."

"No top shelf stuff, no lad's mags and keep away from 'Sugar' - I don't want Heidi reading that."

"As if - and on all three counts," I huffed as we went across to the racks. "I used to hope the BBC would do a spin-off magazine from the weather forecast - they seem to do one for practically every other programme."

"With a weather girl of the month, Jeffrey," Susie whispered.

"Of course, but tastefully done and fully clothed."

I was working my way through 'The Sky at Night' when Susie held up 'Lancashire Life'. "Look at this prom gown Stephanie's advertising: would you wear that for me?"

"Need you ask?" I peered over her shoulder. "It's above the knee - isn't that on the short side for a gown?"

"It's so very feminine," she sighed. "Just the kind of thing I'd love to see you wearing - a laser cut couture dress."

"What does that mean?"

"It means the price is five thousand four hundred pounds."

I didn't even blink. "Worth every penny - no doubt it'd be a wise investment."

Susie looked up nonplussed. "Jeffrey," she whispered, "are you okay?"

"Fine, thanks: at five hundred pounds, I would have felt my little nest egg was in danger, but five thousand - not even you are crazy enough to fall for that, Susie. Buy the magazine and do some photoshopping."

"Perhaps Stephanie would give us a trade discount."

"It'd still be thousands. You've a better chance going to the car boot sale on Sunday - that woman might be emigrating to Australia again."

"I don't give up so easily; we'll be having another encounter with Stephanie. She likes us: anything could happen. You just promise to be a good girl and cooperate."

"You don't think that wedding dress is in the same price range, do you?"

"Would it give you an extra thrill if it was?"

"Probably, but it's a bit disconcerting to think I may have a five thousand pound dress hanging in my wardrobe. If there were a fire, it'd be the first thing - after mum - I'd have to save. The neighbours may not fully understand why I'm standing in the street clutching a wedding dress to me."

"The see-through babydoll nightie may be more of a giveaway."

"I sleep in my vest and underpants," I snorted and turned back to the magazines.

Susie worked her way through the car magazines and I had a peaceful ten minutes before she spoke again. "What are you reading?"

"Steam Days."

"What's that about?"

"Old trains - there's a whole shelf of magazines for railway enthusiasts. Perhaps I'd be better off with an obsession like that."

"I wouldn't recommend it. Going around in an anorak writing down train numbers just proves there's a very fine line between a hobby and mental illness."

"What's wrong in being fascinated with figures?" I huffed. "Anyway, there's more to it than that ..."

"Put it down - twelve year old girls don't read that sort of thing."

"I'm fourteen and I'm precocious. Anyway, what about you with those trucking magazines?"

"Don't argue. Here, read this computer magazine - it's gender neutral."

"With a cover like that."

"It's a very nice outfit; I can see you in it now."

"I'm not interested in mindless games; I'll stick to the serious stuff if you don't mind." I exchanged it for a copy of 'PC Plus'. "I count these magazines every time I come in - they never seem to sell any. It's the same with nearly all of them."

"Because people like you read them for free."

"But why stock all these copies?"

"They've nothing to lose; it's sale or return; they send them back to be pulped."

"Then why print them in the first place? They must know how many they sell."

"Maybe it's VAT fraud."

"There isn't any VAT on magazines."

"Oh, don't be a bloody nuisance - are you ready to go?"

"Ten minutes: I want to read all the help and problem pages in the computer mags. Have a flick through 'Good Housekeeping' - it won't do you any harm."

Susie gave a tug on my plait. "I'll go and have a look through the Highway Code that will be much more useful."

I was left undisturbed until I felt something brush against my legs.

"Don't move, dear, or you'll step on my mobile phone."

I looked down and there was a man crawling around on his hands and knees.

"I can't quite reach it - would you mind parting your legs, sweetheart?"

He pushed on my foot and I felt his head lift my skirt. "Watch out - you'll have me over."

"Shush, I've got you," he hissed and slid his hand up my leg.

"Susie!" I cried and swatted him about the shoulders with the magazine.

"Keep still, or the pictures will be all blurry."

I hopped off to one side and lurched into Susie's arms.

The man jumped to his feet and dashed for the door. "Thanks for being such a good sport, darling - you've lovely legs."

"Aw, Susie - he's taken pictures of my bum."

"Don't worry," he called over his shoulder, "I won't be passing them round, they're for my own private collection - they'll have pride of place."

"Come on, we can catch him."

"No, it doesn't matter; who's going to know? I haven't got my name in my knickers."

"I leave you alone for five minutes and you get into trouble."

"It's no laughing matter; that wasn't very nice."

"A good sport - I heard him. What did you do to make a young man so happy."

"I was slow to catch on what was happening. I've no experience of that sort of thing. You should have been looking out for me."

"It wasn't my fault; you should know girls always have to be on the alert for wolves. Wait until you see your first flasher."

"We won't be walking in any parks with me dressed like this. In fact, the sooner we get home the better."

"One more stop and it's somewhere very upmarket, so behave yourself. Pull your skirt down and act more ladylike - you can't be a tomboy all your life."

 

Chapter 30

"Here we are - 'Nobbs the Jeweller' - this is a real high-class place."

"If you say so, Susie - I know little of such things."

"There isn't some fancy French way of pronouncing the name, is there? I wouldn't want to make a fool of myself."

"You got it spot on. His son's in our year at school - Ray Nobbs."

"Really, I thought his father owned a fish and chip shop."

"No, that's Mushy Pearce's dad."

"What about Darren Wall - why does everyone calls him Walter?"

"His dad owns a carpet shop."

"What does Shufflebottom's dad do?"

"What else, Susie - iguzzabout purrinipsifowk."

"Come again."

"Iguzzabout purrinipsifowk. He's a reet clever mon - as my granddad would say."

"Jeffrey!"

"Yes, chuck."

"Stop it!"

"You started it. Do you want to know what Roger Ramsbottom's dad does?"

"No thank you: names and natures often agree."

"I like having a common name - how about you, Susie?"

"I'm happy to be a plain Smith or Jones; I certainly wouldn't want to be a Nobbs. He'll find it a big handicap when it comes to getting a date, believe me."

"I wouldn't be too sure, Susie, some girls may think with a name like that he could open a lot of doors for them."

"Get in there, Heidi and let's see if they've anything sharp enough for a smart young lady like you."

"I'd rather not."

"What's the matter now?"

"I'm not having anything pierced."

"The thought never crossed my mind."

"Well, I'm only looking, not spending; the mark-up in these places is ridiculous."

"You have a definite miserly streak, Jeffrey."

"I'm careful, Susie, that's all. If you want anything of this sort, every two months they have a fine art auction just down the road. That's the place to go - cut out the middleman."

"Have you bought anything from one?"

"No: it's not my kind of stuff, but I have from their general sales. Where do you think I got all my bikes? Nobody wants racers; they go for a song."

"I bet they're more trouble than they're worth."

"Fixing them out is part of the fun. Just keep in mind, Susie - thrift is the best revenue."

"I've enough money to last me a lifetime as long as I don't spend any isn't my philosophy."

"As long as I spend Jeffrey's - that seems to be your philosophy. Let's go to Primark instead; they've a nice floral dress for fifteen pounds. I saw it in the weekend magazine."

She took my arm and ushered me into the shop. "I've a lot of work to do with you."

"It had a pretty bow to go with my little girl look. That's more me; I'm too young for expensive jewellery."

"Diamonds are a girl's best friend at any age."

"They're a terrible investment - it's throwing money away."

Our hands strayed as we grappled with each other on the way to the counter and set us off giggling. We didn't stop laughing until we looked up and were greeted by Laurel and Hardy.

Stan was carrying a sledgehammer and Ollie a sawn-off shotgun.

We grasped each other around the waist and slowly backed away.

"What was that you said about future troubles, Susie?"

"I think we may have gate-crashed a lunch time party. It must be someone's birthday - let's come back later."

"Don't be silly, girls, you'll make the numbers up nicely - come and park yourselves here," the big one barked through his mask. He waved us over with his gun.

"Don't be scared, it's probably only a harmless replica," Susie whispered.

"They don't make imitation sawn-off shotguns," I hissed. "I knew we shouldn't have come in here."

"Shut up and do as I tell you. Get over there."

With his free hand he shoved us to where the two staff were sitting.

"Down on the floor - that's right - now put your hands under your bums."

I put my umbrella beside me and Mr Laurel came and snatched Susie's bag.

"Ah, what have we here?" He took out the hundred pounds.

"You can't steal from us," Susie protested. "We're the deserving poor - not poor little rich girls. We've never been in a shop with carpets before."

"I'm not Robin bleeding Hood," he snarled. "Where's your mobile phone?"

"Lost it in a mugging and all my money. That's Heidi's life savings you've pinched. She's been up at six every morning on her paper round. We're here to buy mum's birthday present."

He looked at me. "Have you any more hidden away?"

I shook my head.

"You leave Heidi alone; she's only twelve. You'll be in big trouble if you touch her."

Ollie had finished opening the showcases. "Will you stop messing about with petty cash, pudding head - you're in the big-time now. Chuck that money in here and get this bag filled."

"Sorry, boss, but you can't beat ready cash. We should have done a bank that's where the real money is."

"Will you shut up and do your job."

They both turned their attention to scooping up the stock with occasional glances in our direction.

I looked at Susie. "Pinky and Perky had a nasty fright there; they've gone all goose pimply."

"I'm sorry, Heidi, I'll give them some tender loving care later - but you can't blame me for this. There's no flying from fate."

"Hell, Susie, what books have you been reading now - Patience Strong?"

"What do you mean? That's Shakespeare - he's the man for a crisis."

"You're right about that at least - this is another fine kettle of fish we've landed in."

"Don't worry; they're a pair of incompetents. They won't get away with it."

"That's no comfort - there'll be a siege," I moaned. "We'll be hostages, stuck in here for days."

The girl shop assistant burst into tears. "Now look what you've done with your defeatist talk. Keep your pecker up, ducks," Susie called across to her and then turned to me. "You too, Heidi."

"I wish I'd stayed in bed."

"You'll get plenty of chances for that; we'll be able to wangle a week off school after this."

"Lest you forget, Susie, Heidi isn't a real exchange student; I might have certain difficulties."

"One thing at a time. First, we have to work out how to stop them getting away with our cash."

"When you don't know what to do, wait."

"You can do better than that; I have full confidence in your ability to handle awkward situations."

"This is a little bit more than awkward, Susie."

"Shut up back there." Mr Hardy turned from trying to open the display cabinet containing the watches. "Where's the key for this?"

"That's Mr Nobbs' department," the male assistant answered. "He takes his keys with him when he goes to lunch."

"That's his special interest," the girl added. "He's a horologist."

"Bloody pervert," Mr Laurel sniggered. "Out of the way - I'll fix it."

He swung his sledgehammer. The glass shattered and an alarm went off.

"You bloody fool - now look what you've done."

"It worked, didn't it?"

They began scooping up the watches.

"That's enough - leave the rest," Mr Hardy shouted. "Come on - move yourself."

He swung the bag on his shoulder and rushed out of the door into the street.

Stan stuffed a few more trinkets in his pocket as he followed and couldn't resist bending down to pick up something shiny off the floor.

Susie launched herself forward. "Come on, Heidi, up and at 'em - follow me."

She surprised him with a well-aimed kick up the backside that sent him sprawling.

"You bloody bitch," he gasped as he sprang back up and turned towards us, still holding his hammer.

"He's an agile little bugger, I'll give him that," Susie trembled as she backed into me. "I think I may be needing some assistance."

With the alarm ringing in his ears, he was torn between whether to settle with her or run for it. He hesitated and looked back at the door.

Susie turned to me. "Close your eyes and bop him one, Heidi; it worked for you before."

"I've come a long way since then, from now on I'm keeping my eyes wide open."

I rammed the point of the umbrella onto the top of his breastbone.

"Aaaaarrrgggghhhh." His cry drowned the alarm. He dropped the hammer and clutched at his chest.

"Stand back, Susie. Let the dog see the rabbit."

I reversed the brolly and delivered a mighty thwack between his legs. He collapsed onto the floor, writhing in pain.

"Jolly hockey sticks, Heidi; have you been secretly joining the girls for games? You never cease to amaze me."

"Or myself," I panted and leaned on the brolly.

Susie stepped forward and ripped off the Stan Laurel mask. "Golly, he looks sort of like Clint Eastwood - it hasn't been his lucky day, has it?"

"He lacks his physical presence, Susie; he's a bit of a runt."

"Yes, but he had a sledgehammer - don't belittle our achievement. We've collared a highly dangerous armed robber. I think there's a fund to reward public-spirited citizens like us."

"I'd rather slip quietly away. No publicity is the best publicity in our case, Susie; I wish you'd remember that."

"I'll keep it at the forefront of my mind." She put her hand on my shoulder. "One down - one to go. It'll be a lot less bother if we get our own money back."

"Do you mean what I think you mean?"

"We're on a roll, Heidi," Susie whooped and pulled me out of the door. "Sit on him until the police arrive," she yelled over her shoulder at the jewellers.

The Oliver Hardy mask was lying on the pavement. Susie looked up and down the street. "We want a big guy carrying a cricket bag. That's right, isn't it?"

"Yes, with a sawn-off shotgun in it; let's not get to close."

"We'll have to find him first. Nobody seems to be making a fuss - where's the rat gone?"

I'd seen where the rat had gone and was wondering if I should tell Susie. Well, at least it would get us away from the scene of the crime.

"There he is - in that car." I pointed over the road. "All we can do is take the number."

"Wait, he's getting out - and boy, is he mad."

"We've walloped his driver, Susie - he hasn't any keys."

"You're right. He's checking out the other cars - he's going to steal one."

"Uh oh, I think something more ambitious has come to mind."

He'd wandered up to the front of the tourist information bus and after a quick look inside swung himself up into the driver's seat.

Susie broke into a run. "Come on, or we'll miss the last bus."

"No," I shouted as I chased after her. "It's only money, Susie."

"But it's our money," she puffed and put on a sprint. She threw herself on board as it lurched forward.

My skirt rode up alarmingly when I made a wild leap onto the platform. "Have you thought what we're going to do next?" I cried as she pulled me inside.

"One thing at a time," she gasped. "You can't expect me to think of everything - we're a team after all."

I ran my hand over my bottom. "Have I split anything?"

"No, but you were a fine sight in full flight. Have you done any cheerleading?"

"Only in front of the mirror. Short skirts make me want to dance around and show of my knickers- is that normal?"

"Completely: we'll discuss it in more detail tonight."

We made our way to the front of the bus. Susie flopped down into a chair at the information officer's desk.

"What's going on?" The startled woman demanded.

"I think we're all booked for the mystery tour."

"I want to know what's happening. Who's driving the bus - Joe's not due back until four. Is this some silly student prank?"

"You've been hijacked," Susie replied. "The skunk up front robbed the jewellers and pinched our money into the bargain - bloody cheek." She turned to me. "We're not letting him get away with it, are we, Heidi?"

"We are at the moment, Susie."

"Don't be negative - we've already downed his sidekick."

"I've only my umbrella, Susie; this one has a shotgun." I reminded her.

"God help us! We'll all be murdered in our beds," the woman shrieked.

"You'll be all right." Susie leaned across and squeezed her hand. "Have you a mobile phone?"

"No, I can't be doing with the fiddly little things. My dog ate the last one - it cost me a fortune in vet's bills."

"Bugger. Well, never mind - we've got him trapped."

"I suppose you could look at it that way, Susie."

"I'm the one who's trapped," the woman wailed. "When he stops I can't make a run for it like you two. I'm wearing surgical stockings - I'll be at his mercy."

Susie went over and put an arm around her. "Don't worry - we won't be leaving. I'll tell you a little secret about Heidi: you wouldn't think it to look at her, but she's well-endowed in the brains department - she virtually lives on fish."

The woman gulped and wiped a tear from her eye. "Do you know anything about computers, dear? Since I cleaned this screen with a brillo pad, it's been on the blink."

"It's better if we don't distract her at the moment. Just sit back and relax. I must say he's giving us a nice smooth ride; I was hoping he'd sideswipe a few cars and draw attention to himself."

I felt the woman staring at me and heard her whisper. "She seems such a harmless little thing."

"Don't you believe it. I wouldn't like to be in chummy's pants - see how she's fingering her umbrella."

"What good is that against a shotgun?"

"Wait and see. I bet you've already everything all worked out, haven't you, Heidi?"

"As a matter of fact I have, Susie."

I picked up the waste paper basket and filled it from the pile of brochures.

"Let's go upstairs and enjoy the wind in our hair, Susie."

"Please, don't leave me here alone."

"You'll be okay - get down under the desk and keep quiet."

Susie turned away and led the way upstairs.

"That was a bit harsh; she's frightened."

"It was for her own good. Don't get me wrong, Jeffrey - it's not that I lack confidence in you, but ... er..."

"But what, Susie?"

"Scattering a few brochures, as we go on our merry way, may not be the most effective means of raising the alarm."

"We won't be wasting our time doing that - we'll wait for the right opportunity and drop them off all in one go."

"Where, Jeffrey?"

"On his head, Susie."

"A plan stunning in its simplicity, Jeffrey."

"Let's hope so, Susie."

We made our way to the front of the top deck and I leaned over the side. "This is perfect - directly above the driver's door."

Susie had picked up the full wastebasket and was testing its weight. "I wouldn't like this to fall on my head from a great height; do you think there are too many in there?"

"I don't know - but we want to knock him out, not inspire him to discover the theory of gravity."

She shrugged her shoulders. "We'll be bombarding him with data; we wouldn't want him to die from an information overload. A bizarre incident like that would be just the sort of thing to get the red tops interested."

"In that case, we'll put everything back where it was, say he fell out of the cab onto his head and hope they believe us."

"In his haste to get away, he forgot he was in a bus and stepped out into thin air."

"Stranger deaths have happened."

"Course they have: there was the chap with a bald head which was mistaken for a tortoise - what's-his-name."

"You're getting mixed up - that's Aeschylus."

"No, it's the gospel truth - it's another of those Greek myths. Don't look so surprised - you're not the only one with a well-stocked mind."

"I know: I marvel at the stuff you've managed to cram in there. It leaves me speechless at times. But can we get back to the point - are we going to give him the full works?"

Susie stuffed the brochures in more tightly. "I suppose we're entitled to err on the side of caution. We don't want a bear with a sore head coming after us with a shotgun."

"Especially if we're on our own, Susie." I turned and looked back down the road. "There's no sign of anyone coming after us. It seems he couldn't have made a better choice of getaway vehicle."

"We'll just have to enjoy the ride then, Heidi. Come here, I've been wanting to get my hand up your skirt all morning."

"I should keep a clear head, Susie. I don't think this is the best time for you to bring out the little girl in me."

"Jeffrey rules, okay," she grinned. "The seats are wet anyway. Let's stand here gripping the rail with the wind blowing through our hair and make believe this old bus is the Titanic."

I reluctantly took my place alongside her. "The things I do for you, Susie," I sighed. "It's a lousy film - having to sit through that ruined my Christmas Day. They couldn't hit the iceberg soon enough for me. I only wish a pack of starving polar bears had come on board at the same time."

"You'd enjoy it more now."

"No, I wouldn't. I hate blockbusters - especially soppy ones. I like B-films - science fiction B-films - in vivid fifties colour. Anything in vivid fifties colour, in fact. And forties film-noir - a femme fatale and a doomed hero who's a hapless victim of forces beyond his control - know what I mean, Susie?"

"I haven't a clue, Jeffrey." Susie put her arm around me and squeezed. "You can't fool me; you're a romantic at heart. Which films make you go all gooey?"

"None - I don't do gooey."

"There must be one."

"Okay - 'The Apartment' - satisfied. Now can we go and sit under my umbrella; it's raining again."

"Don't be a spoilsport - stay here and we can pretend it's the spray in our faces. It's not like we're in any danger of hitting an iceberg."

"If only I could be sure of that."

"This is it, Susie, we're slowing down."

"Look - that must be his getaway car in the lay-by up ahead."

The bus came to a halt and I swung the basket over the side above the driver's door. "Get ready, Susie."

"I hope he's going to need more than a couple of aspirins to get over this."

"I think we can be pretty sure it'll spoil his day - at the very least."

Susie leant over and took hold of one side of the basket. "We'll do it together, Jeffrey - just in case we kill him. He might have one of those egg shell skulls you read about."

I smiled across at her. "Thanks, Susie: don't worry - the worst it can be is manslaughter."

"I wouldn't mind doing time chained up to you, Jeffrey."

"Shush - he's opening the door."

The robber jumped down, gun in hand, directly beneath us and was about to lean back in for his bag. "Bombs away," we couldn't help crying out together.

He looked up and took the hit squarely between the eyes.

"Judged to perfection," Susie exalted as he collapsed in a heap. "It just goes to show the power of the printed word."

"Back of the head would have been better - that's the place to give them concussion. Let's get down there double quick," I urged.

We clattered down the stairs.

"Stay where you are," Susie shouted to the woman. "We've got everything under control."

"I wish you wouldn't tempt fate - get a move on."

We ran to the front of the bus where the robber was lying motionless face down on the ground.

"He's a big bugger, Jeffrey."

"Like a beached whale, Susie. It's hard to believe he was once a tiny baby."

"Great oafs from little acorns grow."

"This one's fallen on its gun; we'll have to do some log rolling."

We squatted down and began shoving on one side.

"He's a dead weight."

No sooner had Susie said it than he let out a low moan.

"Oh, Jeffrey - he's coming round."

"No wonder, look at the neck muscles on him. I'm surprised he doesn't choke himself when he swallows. It's not natural - he must be on steroids. He reminds me of Bluto."

"Built like a brick shit house is the correct technical term, I believe. We may be somewhat overmatched. I'm having second thoughts about a citizen's arrest."

"You haven't a tin of spinach in your bag, have you?"

"No, but you've got your umbrella."

"Short of thrusting it in his eye socket, I can't think of what else will stop him."

"We can't do anything terminal. Do you think we can outrun him?"

"Perhaps, but not a shotgun blast."

"We can out drive one though; get in there, Jeffrey."

 

Chapter 31

Susie pushed me into the cab and I pulled her up after me.

"Don't look so worried, if he can drive it, I can drive it."

"I don't doubt that - I just hope you can stop it."

Susie settled in behind the wheel. "Gee, that's a big gear stick - put your hand on with me, Jeffrey."

We shoved it into first gear and the bus lurched forward. "Sticky clutch," Susie grimaced. "I'll soon get the hang of it."

There was a knock on the window. "I think our passenger wants to say something."

"This is no time for back seat driving, Jeffrey - tell her to shut up."

Before I could say anything there was a loud bang, a rattling sound and a cry of pain.

"I've been shot; I'm going to die," she screamed through the window.

I turned to see the woman grasping her bottom. "Don't worry," I shouted, "my granddad's got a backside full of buckshot and he's okay. Keep your head down."

The woman dropped down back under her desk. "For goodness sake get us out of here or we'll all be killed."

"He's a bloody cheek," Susie fumed. "We shouldn't have been so squeamish; we should have settled with him back there."

"We're about to get another chance because he's jumping on board - shift gear, Susie."

The change was as smooth as I expected - I swear the bus bucked. "He didn't expect that; we've left him flat on his backside."

"It's his own fault: he shouldn't have tried to get on while the bus was in motion."

He was back on his feet and taking aim. "Put your foot down, Susie, he's going to let us have the second barrel."

There was bang and the rear window shattered.

"I've a good mind to back this bus over him, but I think reverse may be beyond me."

"He's really annoyed now - just concentrate on getting as far away as possible."

"I can see him in the mirror; he's making for that car."

"He's going to be coming after us - we've got his loot." I indicated the bag under my feet.

"That's a bonus. What do you think our reward will be, Jeffrey?"

"As long as it's not in Heaven, I don't bloody care, Susie."

"Well, retrieve our money, while you've the chance, otherwise we might have to wait months to get it back."

"Now I'm tampering with evidence," I groaned as I dug into the bag.

"A technicality, Jeffrey - we'll be lauded as heroes for this little effort."

"Heroines," Susie I sighed as I stuffed the money in my pocket. "What name am I going to give?"

"Stick to Heidi and hope for the best. Look on the bright side - he may be killed in a shoot-out and that will be the end of the matter."

My reply was drowned in a blaring of horns. "Watch out, Susie."

"Calm down, Jeffrey, you're in no danger. I'm getting the hang of this - but I'm open to any advice you may have."

"Stay on your own side of the road, Susie - that'd be a good start."

"Don't worry, they'll blink first if they know what's good for them - this is a bus."

"I'd be happier if it were a tank."

"Never mind criticising my driving - think what we're going to do next. He's following us and there's a set of red traffic lights ahead."

Susie pulled up behind a white van and I glanced back down the bus.

"Oh God, there's passengers getting on - what are they thinking of?"

"They must be fed up of waiting in the rain. Any of them look like they could be in the S.A.S?"

"Dad's Army is the best they can offer."

"Here we go again." Susie put the bus in gear and executed a smooth getaway. "How about that? I'll soon be ready for a HGV licence at this rate. Our passengers will have nothing to worry about."

"I don't think so, Susie; they're being given an earful of tourist information. There'll be a mass exodus if you stop again."

"Is there a police station around here? That'd be a good place to head for."

"We're heading out of town; they closed them down around here to save money."

"Typical, you can never find a police station when you need one."

"I hate to mention it, but we're coming up to the learner driver's nightmare; the dreaded figure eight, multi-lane roundabout."

"I'm ready for it, Jeffrey - sitting up here behind this big steering wheel in control of a double-decker fills me with confidence. I feel like the captain of an oil tanker."

"All I know is, it's a hairy experience on a bike."

"What do all these white lines and yellow boxes mean? They're confusing me."

"I thought you'd been reading the Highway Code."

"This is more like modern art, Jeffrey. That chap Bilko who daubs rectangles all over the shop must have got a job with the local council."

"Rothko, Susie."

"That's the one - I knew it had an 'o' in it. Is he the 'Big O' or was that Picasso?"

"That was Roy Orbison - lately, I find myself humming 'Running Scared' nearly every day."

"He's dead, isn't he?"

"They're all dead, Susie and unless you want us to join them keep left, give way to the right and you can't go wrong."

Susie entered the traffic with a continuous blast on the horn. "Just a precaution; not all drivers are au fait with modern road etiquette."

A car going the other way shot past on our inside and another on the outside. "What's that ringing noise, Jeffrey? It seems to be coming from behind my head. Are we on fire?"

"No, Susie, it's the passengers hammering on the bell. They want to get off - and I can't blame them."

"Tell them to close their eyes - I have."

We emerged unscathed through a blaring of horns, leaving a couple of cars stranded in the middle of the island.

"That wasn't too bad. Did you see the looks on some of those faces - you'd think they'd never seen a bus before."

"You went round anti-clockwise, Susie."

"So: I was in the left lane like you told me."

"That was the right lane; you went the wrong way."

"Left is left, Jeffrey."

"If you say so: sometimes it feels like I've fallen into an alternate universe."

"Don't sulk: you have to make allowances ..."

She was interrupted by shouting and banging on the back window.

I pulled down the blind. "Listen to that language, Susie - what an example to set the younger generation. I don't know what pensioners are coming too."

"They're getting a free ride - what more do they want. They'll all have been hippies, Jeffrey - no respect for authority. National Service would have sorted them out."

"And continuous assessment - they never had enough exams, that's the trouble. They didn't know they were born."

"Well, they can vote with their feet - more bloody lights coming up."

We came to a halt and I sneaked a look under the blinds. There was a stampede for the exit. "Like rats abandoning a sinking ship; we're on our own now, Susie."

"All the better: if it comes to a showdown and we kill him, there'll be no witnesses."

We pulled away and this time Susie ground through the gears. "Bit of a nuisance, this stopping and starting, it interrupts my flow."

"Drachten in Holland has replaced traffic lights with roundabouts."

"Every man for himself, eh."

"They've done away with all signs and painted lines."

"I'd vote for that."

"Road safety is the responsibility of drivers."

"A very forward thinking people, the Dutch."

"They believe a sense of danger encourages personal responsibility and awareness."

"Spot on, Jeffrey."

"It makes you concentrate on protecting yourself and so you avoid injuring others."

"It sounds like they designed it with me in mind. Would it suit you?"

"It'd encourage me to leave my bike in the shed."

He was still on our tail and the traffic was thinning out. We could soon be the only vehicles on the road. "We're playing into his hands, Susie. He's going to get an opportunity to make things difficult for us - any ideas about what we should do?"

"You could climb out of the window onto the top deck, rip up a seat and throw it at his windscreen."

"You're confusing me with someone else in the Legion of Superheroes. I'm Cross-Dresser Kid: my special power is the ability to dress up in women's clothing - at will."

"Don't knock it, Jeffrey - it's proved pretty useful up to now."

I thought over what Susie had said. "Turn off here."

"Are you sure we want to be going down a narrow twisty country lane?"

"He won't be able to pass us and it's either that or through the centre of Doulton - a town not built for the horseless carriage. I think the wheel may have come as a bit of a surprise to them. One man and his dog could cause a snarl-up in those narrow streets."

"Dad wouldn't mind doing some business there."

"He's welcome to it. Pavements hardly wider than kerbs - I always keep my eyes open for someone throwing a bucket of shit out of a top window."

"You'll never make an estate agent, Jeffrey - thank God!"

"Keep praying, Susie, we're coming up to a cyclist."

"This road ain't big enough for both of us." Susie held down the horn. "Look at him go, Jeffrey."

"He's a serious cyclist; that's an expensive bike."

"Have you a pair of Lycra shorts?"

"No: there are some things I'm not prepared to wear - even for you. I'm sticking to tracksuit bottoms."

"Cycling hasn't given him a bum like yours, Jeffrey."

"You can't compare me with a professional athlete."

"He's weakening, Jeffrey. Get out of the way, you daft bugger."

The cyclist gave a last despairing look under his arm, braked, jumped off and threw himself into the ditch.

"He lost his nerve," Susie observed as we scrunched over his bike. "He had plenty of time to save it."

"I don't know about that - I'm pretty sure I saw the whites of his eyes. I hope he's okay."

"I can see him in the mirror; he's jumping up and down, shaking his fist at us."

"There can't be much wrong with him then."

"He is covered in a green slime; I hope he hasn't swallowed any."

"It doesn't seem to do the frogs any harm - it's probably very nutritious."

"That was a funny noise when we went over the bike."

"Shattering carbon fibre, Susie - it probably cost thousands."

"Will it have much scrap value?"

"Not unless there's a sudden worldwide pencil shortage."

"Wouldn't you much rather have that dress than waste money on a silly old bike?"

"I don't know about that - which do you think would hold its value better?"

"We'll talk about that after we get our reward. If this fool keeps following us, we're bound to lead him into a police trap, aren't we?"

"I'm sure something will turn up. It's clear ahead now, Susie, go on - put your foot down on this nice straight bit."

She needed no encouragement. "Not many springs on this old bus, are there? It's quite exhilarating bouncing along like this. I think I need a steadying hand on my thigh."

"Well, don't reciprocate - keep both your hands on the wheel. Did you see that sign we just passed."

"What was it - dangerous curves?"

"No - low bridge."

Susie stared down the road. "This looks like it may be a tight squeeze. What are we going to do?"

"We'll have to trust to your luck - don't slow down."

"I'm not sure about this. I googled 'Susie and Jeffrey' to see if there were any famous ones."

"Really?"

"All I got were Blondie lyrics. Do you know what happens to them in the song?"

"He drives their car into a wall and they die happily ever after."

"Is that why you're nervous about my driving - do you think it may be an omen?"

"I don't need any omens to be nervous of your driving. Omens and all that mumbo-jumbo stuff are nonsense; we're going crash a bus into a bridge and live happily ever after."

Susie lined us up to pass under dead centre. "Hold on, Jeffrey!"

Crrrruuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnch.

We hurtled under the bridge and emerged as a single-decker.

Crrrraaaaaaaaaaaasssshhh.

The remains of our top deck hit the road. A piercing screech was followed by a satisfying thump.

"Never touched me, Mother," I yelled as we ground to a halt.

"I think my big end's gone, Jeffrey." Susie slumped back in her seat with relief. "Actually, I've no idea what I'm talking about - come here."

We had a long passionate kiss. "I think we should stop now, Susie," I gasped. "This can't be helping our adrenaline levels return to normal."

"Who cares?"

"Restrain yourself, Susie - we'd better check there are no unpleasant surprises creeping up on us."

"You Germans are so bloody practical, Heidi."

We jumped down and contemplated what had been the upper deck. "Like knocking the top of an egg, Susie."

"I certainly made a neat job of it. I was under pressure and I steered us right through the middle. If we'd hit the side of the arch, it would have been goodbye Susie and Jeffrey."

"There's a lot to be said for keeping on the straight and narrow, Susie. Perhaps you should take that as an omen. Now, let's make sure we're in no more danger."

We walked cautiously back to the bridge and had to pick our way through a sea of lettuces. "Where did all these come from, Jeffrey?"

I pointed to a tractor disappearing into the distance. "We must have shaken them out of its trailer when it was crossing the bridge."

Susie picked a couple up. "They're nice crisp specimens; you're the gardener, Jeffrey - what are they?"

"Icebergs - what else?"

"And we haven't even got our feet wet - we're unsinkable, Jeffrey."

"Careful, Susie - let's not tempt fate again."

We came up to the wreckage of the top deck lying in middle of the road. Skid marks leading up to it veered off to the right.

The car was on its side in the ditch. "That could have been us, Jeffrey," Susie shuddered. "It certainly makes you think."

"That's no bad thing, Susie - we should let the shipwrecks of others be our lighthouses."

"Truer words were never spoken," she solemnly intoned.

I feared she might be in shock and gave her a hug. "Are you all right, Susie?"

She turned and kissed me. "Never better, Jeffrey - a moment of considered reflection is a sign of maturity. You'll understand when you're my age."

"I am your age."

"Not mentally, Heidi." She patted my head and then couldn't resist dancing a little jig. "We downed both of the buggers. Innocent kids versus a couple of hardened criminals armed with a sledgehammer and a sawn-off shotgun. What about that?"

"It was no contest, Susie - they were up against a matched pair of junior Purdeys."

"You can't beat good old-fashioned teamwork," she smiled. "Sometimes I get a little shiver of excitement when I think what we're capable of together, Jeffrey."

"I know exactly what you mean, Susie."

"You can't fool me - you love it, Jeffrey. Do you think we should play the good Samaritans again?"

"Not this time: he's still armed and dangerous."

"And may be somewhat lacking in the gratitude department."

"I wouldn't be surprised if he's as cross as two sticks."

We turned away and walked back. Susie looked up at the bridge. "That came in pretty damn handy, all things considered. Have you been down this road before, Jeffrey?"

"I've cycled around here a few times."

"Anything else you want to tell me?"

"I love you, Susie."

We picked up our belongings from the bus.

"Do you think it would have been a big reward, Jeffrey?"

"They would probably have found some way to fob us off with a medal; you can live without that, Susie."

"Maybe we should help ourselves to a small souvenir. Something could easily have accidentally gone missing."

"Better not - it's the little details that get people caught. Leave everything for the police to find and let's hope they'll be satisfied."

Susie patted the bus on the side. "Sorry old thing - do you think they'll be able to put it together again, Jeffrey?"

"I think it may be a case of 'we can't get the parts', Susie."

"Ah well, at least it wasn't one of those shiny new ones. They'll probably be glad to get the insurance on it; I wouldn't be surprised if we haven't done them a favour."

A siren sounded in the distance.

"Do you think there'll be much of a fuss, Susie?"

"No, it'll probably soon all blow over. I wouldn't be surprised if the police take all the credit."

"Come on, it's time we disappeared into the woods."

We set off at a run. "Here we go again, Jeffrey - you don't half make me sweat."

"It'll stand you in good stead, Susie; I don't expect this will be the last time we have to make a hasty getaway."

"I just hope all this exercise doesn't upset my hormone balance."

"There's no danger - all it will do is preserve your nice trim figure."

"I wouldn't be too sure - all that cycling has put a hell of a bottom on you."

"What do you mean? I haven't got a big bum."

"You have for a boy, Jeffrey."

"Well, it's better than being a skinny arse."

"I'll second that: it's a source of great pleasure to me bobbing along there."

"And you got to drive a bus - your cup runneth over, Susie."

"I'd been planning on that as a summer job next year."

"Don't you need a special license?"

"Well, it doesn't matter now, because obviously, I'll be looking for something we can do together."

"Don't let's be too ambitious, Susie - I'd be quite satisfied with a lemonade stall."

"We'll have to do something more exciting than that."

"Don't you think it may be possible to have too much fun, Susie?"

"No, Jeffrey."

"I thought not."

We emerged from the woods right onto a bus stop. "With a bit of luck and a change of appearance, we'll make a clean getaway. Hurry up and take these plaits out of my hair."

Susie set to work. "You were pretty calm when the lead was flying, Jeffrey."

"I've been shot at twice before - and hit. First on the leg and then on Perky."

"I haven't seen any scars."

"Well, they didn't actually break the flesh."

"What were you shot with, Jeffrey - a pea-shooter?"

"It was an airgun."

"Oh."

"Never mind 'Oh'. It stung and it left a big red mark. He could have had my eye out."

"Who did it, Jeffrey?"

"A boy up the street, a couple of years older than we are; he was lacking a little in social responsibility."

"Was he put away, Jeffrey?"

"No, his mother's a friend of the family; she gave him a good leathering - both times."

"She was playing with fire there, Jeffrey."

"You may well be right; he's made her a grandmother three times over with three different girls."

"That's just the sort of story to put the wind up my dad," Susie smiled. She fluffed out my hair. "All done - here, spit on this hanky and I'll get those freckles off."

"Make a good job of it; don't leave any traces."

"More spit, Jeffrey."

"I've none left - use some of yours."

Susie polished away and finally held up her mirror. "How's that?"

"Denise is back - say good-bye to Heidi."

"Auf wiedersehen, Heidi. I know you'll be back," Susie smiled. "We can turn you into a proper Swiss Maid next time, Jeffrey - how about it?"

"Okay, but please - no yodelling and no hugging a Saint Bernard."

"But you'll wear the full costume and talk German."

"Yes, yes - now stop wasting time. You can wear that baseball cap to hide your hair and then turn that jacket inside out - it's reversible."

"How do you know - have you been wearing this?"

"No, I bought it for mum last Christmas. You should know me by now, Susie - I'm not the type who goes around in his mother's clothes."

I threw the umbrella in the ditch. "What a shame - I feel I've lost the protection of a trusted friend."

"I'll buy you a replacement. In the meantime, you can carry my bag. It's pretty heavy; I'm sure you'll find it a handy weapon."

I swung it over my shoulder. "How do I look, Susie?"

"Cute, Denise."

"I mean about being recognised as Heidi."

"We'll both be okay. It's just a pity our good deeds are again going to be anonymous."

"Unsung heroes - that's us, Susie."

"Perhaps we should get ourselves some kind of visiting card to leave behind."

"Like a silver bullet."

"We're not made of money, Jeffrey; how about a scarlet pimpernel?"

"They may be hard to come by around here."

"I just think our endeavours should be appreciated. It's no small thing putting your life on the line for the good of society."

"Were you always as adventurous as this, Susie?"

"Not until I met you, Jeffrey. I feel a kiss coming on."

"Later, Susie, here comes the bus."

"Where does it go from here?"

"Somewhere over the river; the further the better. We can wander around and see the sights. If you like, we can go to the reservoir and check the level - that's always interesting."

"We can count a few trees while we're there."

"It'd be better if we went to the Christmas tree plantation to do that - they're arranged in neat rows."

"Gee, Jeffrey, if only we'd brought a flask and sandwiches, then we could really have made it a grand day out."

"Don't worry, I'll see you don't starve. We'll have a nice peaceful afternoon together and come home on the ferry."

"At least a circular trip will be sound strategy," Susie sighed. "We won't have to revisit the scene of the crime."

"Shut up, Jeffrey."

We settled down on the backseat for a bit of relaxing fondling.

"Susie."

"Yes, Jeffrey."

"I've a surprise for you."

"Not another one?"

"Yes and it will really startle you."

"Don't keep me in suspense - what is it?"

"A little piece of Schopenhauer."

"A what?"

"A little piece of Schopenhauer to keep things in perspective."

"I can see pillow talk isn't going to be one of your strong points, Jeffrey."

"Shut up and meditate on this - 'Only a male intellect clouded by the sexual drive could call the stunted, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped and short-legged sex, the fair sex.' What have you to say about that, Susie?"

"Thank God, we've both got a bit of the boy in us, Jeffrey."