I have been fighting a losing battle with negative self-image lately, and yesterday, I think I figured out why. I was working in the health and beauty department, restocking the hair color isle, when it hit me. Every box I put on the shelf had a picture of a beautiful woman, with flawless skin, amazing hair, and all the rest. Each picture was like water torture, eroding my ability to see myself as passable, much less pretty. I have to keep fighting this feeling. Despair is deadly.
Well, I had a doozy of a nightmare last night. I was behind a person, who had his back to me. I tried to get his attention, and his head snapped around without his body turning, while a deep note played like from a soundtrack. It was very frightening.
I am trying to make sure I hold on to hope. I have been struggling with bouts of hopelessness, and I have to keep fighting, even when I don't want to. Ah, well.
Well, I am excited that there is going to be a book version of big closet. My problem is, that I have probably read hundreds of stories since I started here, and thanks to having a brain built to drain pasta, I don't remember very many of them. So how do I nominate? The other issue is my own stuff. I am finding it hard to feel comfortable putting my own writing forward, when there are so many much more talented people here. But, I am going to make an effort to do both. find something I loved to nominate, and pick something of mine i think worthy of consideration.
Well, I am now over 17,000 words in my phoenix story, and it shows no sign of slowing down. I figure its probably over half done, but frankly, I am not sure. It has gone in a totally unexpected direction from my original idea to the point I feel like I am just hanging on, trying to keep the story from falling into a ditch. Fun stuff.
Well, I think the title of this entry is self-explanatory, but I will explain anyway. See, I was feeling like taking a little risk, so I wore my ladies pants to church on Sunday. I have worn them around my ex before, and she hasn't noticed the difference, so I decided to give it a shot. Nobody seemed to notice, and things went well. It was rather... fun to do. Meanwhile, I am still working on Phoenix, and have decided that my attempt to focus solely on it didn't work that well. I seem to better in short bursts, even if that means its going to take me longer. Ah, well.
Well, some of you probably can tell I am an avid reader/commenter/blogger here. (Take my word for it, if you don't) But I may have to pull back on my interaction here for a bit, so I can focus on my phoenix story (right now, at about 12,000 words, and just getting started...) The other project I would like to focus on would be taking a role in the formation of a "Best of Big Closet" book.
Well, looking back at my blog entries, I realized I hadn't talked about how a couple of my stories came about. I suspect this kind of stuff doesnt really interest a large number of people, but it's my blog, so blech. So without further ado...
Well, had an awkward moment with my brother on Friday. He stopped by to drop off some pants he bought for me, and I could tell he was feeling very uncomfortable. I think he wanted to talk about the emails we have been sharing, but he was obviously not sure how to treat me. Then he did something very odd. Taking the back of his first finger, he rubbed my belly. It was an awkward moment. I think we need a face-to-face chat, and soon.
Well, right now, its hard to not to feel boxed in. The road to transition seems totally blocked by that wonderful thing, finances. I need a full time job if I am going to make any serious headway, and between the economy,and my commitments to my daughter, its hard to find one as Todd, and much harder to try and find one that will accept Dorothy, especially since I don't pass terribly well.
Had a very rough day emotionally. Started with less than 3 hours of sleep last night, then my attempts to find a place willing to hire me as Dorothy failed. By the time I was taking my daughter home I was almost ready to compose a goodbye message here, in case I ended up in the hospital, or worse. But I am at least human again, thanks to Kylie. Thank her, everybody.
I love my mom, and I am glad that she accepts me as my daughter. but sometimes her negativity gets to me. When I told her I planned to drop off a resume as Dorothy, she became upset, and told me I had no chance of being hired, because I do not pass. It is hard enough to gather the courage to do this without her being like that, and I wish she would be more supportive.
I am working on a new Phoenix story, and it made me think about a lesson I hope I have learned, thanks to a story that failed. As some of you know, I wrote a "Amanda Waller" story for the ret-con universe, and it got rejected as being in need of a total re-write. Later, I wrote my story "The Tears of the Phoenix", and as you can see if you look for it, it was accepted. So why the difference? Well, with the Amanda Waller story, I think I got myself thinking like a comic book writer, not a novelist. I concentrated on some visual images I thought "cool", and I think the story suffered for it.
I just wanted to share about one moment that occurred while Kylie and I were writing "A College Outing". We got to the part where Todd was going to find out Tracy's secret, and we tried to figure the best way for that to happen. But once we had set his basic personality as creepy stalker, the only way that made sense to me was some kind of attempted assault. Kylie had written quite a bit of the stuff leading up to that moment, and needed a break, so I tackled it. As most of you know, I deal with my own assault, and so we had to be careful crafting the scene.
Well, for those who havent checked it out yet, the collaborative story I wrote with my gf Kylie is up. How to determine who wrote what? Easy. If you love it, thank Kylie. If you hate it, blame me...
Sorry folks, Just kidding about blaming me. Kylie says I am not allowed to put myself down, and she is right.
Well, I went back to the doc who put me on anti-depressants, and other than my little "glitch" before Christmas, things are going well. So, after my time with him, I decided to go to the largest mall in the city (and indeed, one of the largest in the world), West Edmonton Mall, dressed. I still had a 50 dollar gift Mastercard, so i wanted to see what I could find. Well, i went into Pay-less shoes, and they not only measured my feet (in stockings), and helped me find the right shoes, but were very nice while doing it. On my way out, I noticed they had a help wanted sign.
Well, I just got back from a very nice meeting with the local TS group. Not only was everybody nice, I ended up being given a makeup case (full), a wig holder (to help the wig dry), and a blond wig to go with my dark one. Pretty cool, no?
I just got a reply to my latest e-mail from my brother, and had to share:
"I love you.
You must do as you must.
I will pray for blessing, protection, and that God reveal the truth to
both of us.
If I have to be the one to be adjusted, so be it.
Well, Kylie and I are making a story together. It is a new thing for me, collaborative writing. It is fun, though, and I cant wait to see what comes out.
Been fighting with harassing phone calls from my mother's creditors. I really never knew how bad things were until she started ducking calls. It worries me greatly, but there is little i can do to help. I might as well share with you my secret plans - I had planed to take out a loan so i could get a transition started, but now its moot. Because we shared back accounts, I doubt i could get one. It was a long shot anyway, but ah, well. Dreams die hard, but they can die.
Well, I would like to take a moment and talk about "No Matter What". It started while I was crafting my little poem "Vows". As I often do, I shared my work with my girlfriend, and she got inspired to write her own story based on the poem. Just like the poem, the story is about the fact that many people who make declarations of loving us "no matter what", but not all of them follow through when it comes to being transgender. When she finished, I asked if I could post it here, and she agreed.
I just got a response from my brother, and I wanted to share it with you.
"I love you no matter what name you choose to call yourself.
None the less, I would be no friend or brother if I didn't at least
say "That way be dragons."
Have you considered that if you have misdiagnosed the root cause of
your unhappiness then this prescription will not be the cure?
That isn't being negative, that's just me trying to protect you from
the terrible consequences I can see down this path.
Maybe you need to go this way in order to find out how empty it is.
Well, after a rotten day yesterday, I had a fantastic day today. I went for a interview with a local tg group, and we were meeting at a restaurant. I got there first, and the server was taking me to a booth, and i tried to tell her I would prefer a table, but she didnt hear me at first. But another server heard me, and told my server "SHE would like a booth" It is amazing, what a single letter can do for one's confidence.
Well, just when I thought I was getting some traction, the world kicks my feet out from under me. I found out late last night that my mother is in much more serious financial trouble than I had ever guessed. She has apparently declared bankruptcy, without even talking to me about her situation.
Well, I had a wonderful lunch date with my friend from the support group site, and noticed several things. First, when I arrived, I did not have much hesitation, but simply thought, "I have as much right to go and have lunch as any other woman does" and went in.
The lunch itself was nice, especially when a little old lady noticed my wallet had fallen out, and pointed it out to me, telling me to tuck it better in my purse, like there was nothing strange about me at all.
Well, I am trying to keep my anxiety levels down, as I have not yet heard a reply from my brother. It may be because he just isnt the compulsive email checker i am, or it may be because he and his wife are away for the weekend, or it may be because the email account I sent it to is an old one of his wife's and not something they worry about any more. It is also possible he did get it, and is thinking about how to reply. But I have determined for myself, that should I not hear anything by next weekend, I will print out a hard copy of the letter, and put it in his mailbox.
Well, I am feeling better, and my daughter is a big reason why. Yesterday, an online friend of mine and I were talking when my daughter decided she wanted to say hi. After my friend accidentally called me Samantha's mother, she decided to feel out my girl on the subject of gender roles. My daughter made two points. The first was "my dad would like to be a mom" and "he would still be the same person if he did" Smart kid, especially considering she is a ten-year-old with learning disabilities.
Checks can be made out & sent to:
Joyce Melton
1001 Third St.
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Note: $6000 is the operating, maintenance and upgrade budget. Amounts received in excess of the $6000 will be applied to long term debt accrued over the last 19 years.
