Who I am, and why my avatar name.

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This is my first entry. There is a lot about using BCTS I don't know, I will try to learn over time.

Allow me to introduce myself. Over time I will talk about me, then branch out. I will try my hand at fictional writing eventually, I already do a lot of writing of a different nature, text books and electronics. I am in my mid 50's.

I choose the name OddPOV because I am stuck in between. I have never been married, not even a meaningful relationship. I don't know why, but I am lonely has hell. I have tried dating sites, but nothing ever clicks and I don't really know why. I have been transgender since I really became aware of the differences between male and female. My first crush for a popular girl in my class, except when I dreamed of her I was her. I am not gay, if a woman fell for me I would be very happy, but it isn't for me somehow. Call it innocence or stupidity (I tend towards the latter) I didn't know what TG was until I was in my 50's.

When my brother died I took over raising 3 kids as Godparent. It filled over 10 years of my life, but that phase is over. When it happened their were two girls, 13 and 14, and a boy, 9. I sucked at it, the mutual grief did not help, but I did my best. It is another reason I felt stuck between, here I am, a single parent, never married, and basically clueless in many ways.

My Dad was a Master Sargent in the USAF Air Force when he retired. I was 15, that sort of thing leaves a mark on a person. When I was 10 or so he didn't like the way I walked, too much hip movement it seemed. So he made it a project to help me walk like a man. He wasn't physically abusive, but I have spent much of my life being intimidated by him. He is gone now, I miss him deeply, as I do my mother.

He served in both Korea and Vietnam. When he got out of Nam he moved to the deep country and tried to forget the rest the rest of the world. Unfortunately he had a wife and kids. I'm now older than he was then, in many ways I understand him better. He was hurting, war's do not help ones mental stability. So I am on a farm, basically alone, but thank god for school. Small towns can be hell, but I did have a few friends (no girls though). Looking back on it there were girls who were trying, but I wasn't receiving the signals.

My brother was a teen when my folks moved back into that small town. He could have visitors to the house, and didn't seem to have my problems making friends with girls. I have always been a techie sort, but this was before computers, and long before internet.

So I got through college. A had a few near misses with girls, it was good as it ever got.

Found a job with a major tech firm that was sold several times (with me serving the role as a surf). Got into computers and grass. It is funny, when I got the kids I gave the latter up, turns out I have priorities when needed.

I am now the patriarch of my little family. Most of my many Aunts and Uncles are gone, there are a few cousins I am on speaking terms with (no hostilities, just indifference).

I am firmly in the closet. Over the last few years I have cared less and less, but it would affect my kids in bad ways if my little secret got out. I have never cross dressed, but I have experimented with make up and wearing panty hose under jeans. That is as far as I ever went with cross dressing.

Funny thing though, like many people who are in between I have been major depressed. I wasn't always, but as my family died off it felt like I was more and more alone, even with the kids here. The girls have long fled the nest, the boy remains (but will probably leave soon) I've been getting deeper and deeper into a funk. I finely confessed my secret to my son, to him it was no big deal (Thank You God). I also told him I will not be transitioning, don't know if that made a difference or not.

So here I am, looking for friends here. I suspect my story is not too typical, my Dad had a firm hand but was only mildly excessive with it, and I knew he loved me. I am pretty sure he would not have tolerated having a sissy boy for a son, and I never had the courage to test it, more's the pity. I am pretty sure my mom could have handled it, but she spent the last 7 years slowly dying due to working with fiber glass in a machine shop. COPE is not a good way to go.

I have up and down days, mostly down, but won't do anything drastic due to family. I love them, enough that I will not leave that little legacy if I can help it. My brother committed suicide, one is too many.

Like I said, I like to write. A few people here have allowed me to lance the poison and cry on their shoulders. It has helped, more than I think they know. I'm still here. So I will try to learn more how this site operates, and do what I can to help out. Turns out my background is pretty useless overall, I am computer literate but the tech has walked away from me. Not much use for assembly level programing it seems, time to learn some new things.

I am one of the few people that still have a old time BBS running. Betcha most of you don't know what that is. :D

Comments

Kindred souls

I think you would be surprised to find how many details of your story can be found in the lives of the folks around here. I'd estimate that about 50% of this can be found in my life story.

You really don't have such an odd P O V. You're truly among friends here.
Gray_Capris_0.jpg
The girl in me. She understands.

I think you're right

Yeah, the details are different, but that story sure does ring familiar.

I don't kmow if I've said it before, but hey,OddPOV, welcome to the site!

Wren

I so agree, Lora!

Andrea Lena's picture

...I'm so glad that you're so encouraging! The girl in you quite assuredly understands OddPOV. I certainly can attest to the commonality and welcome I feel because of girls like Lora here, and I can finally unashamedly recall and treasure this part of me because of girls like her and the other dear ones here. She's truly an example of what she speaks. OddPOV, you're far from alone in how you feel and think about yourself, and I'm very glad you're here.

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Not such an odd POV

I'm the same, I've leant to be comfortable in my gender. I would have really liked to have a woman's body and if I'm attracted to a woman it probably because I can imagine me with her outer bits. I like women and plan on staying male. I'm almost 38 and wouldn't be prepared to take hormones and would definitely not have srs for various reasons. I have never had a meaningful relationship with a woman. I also wouldn't pass if I did do all that was necessary. That is a very important part of my desire.

I apologize if this is out of line...

Andrea Lena's picture

...but I feel I must disagree. Her name doesn't show who she is, but rather the feelings of insecurity and doubt and isolation that so many of us have because we feel exactly that...that our view of our world is an odd point of view, as if someone else knew more about who we are than we do. The denial by parents or friends or family that push our hopes and dreams aside in favor of being accepted and affirmed for what THEY wish for us to be instead.

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

So what is a BBS? 8 million stories in the "Naked City"

Dear OddPov:

1) So what is a BBS?

2) As others have said, your background and history, is similar or actually dissimilar to others here. In an old T.V. show called the "Naked City", about New York, (circa 1958-1963) the lead-in to the show stated "That There were 8 million stories in the Naked City". I guess it could be said that there are "Tens of Thousands of Stories at BCTS."

RAMI

RAMI

What is a BBS?

Bulletin Board System, basically the earliest form of the internet before browsers and HTML became standard.

Early on, you would subscribe to and (possibly) pay for access to a given BBS and then you could post to and read from their network. Generally they were fairly localized, since you had to dial into them over the phone, and long distance cost extra. There were also BBS systems put in place by various universities and government agencies. These networks were small at first, but slowly grew, eventually becoming what would later become the backbone of the internet as "BBS" transitioned to "ISP".

Abigail Drew.

:)

Now I feel old since I know what a bbs is :P Then agian I remember getting our first color tv also :P So ... I guess I am old ;) Kids are what make life worth living sometimes :) Some times though you want to trade them for a hamster :P

http://www.webhamster.com/

Welcome to a kindred soul.

I am happy to see that you found us and your story is so touching. I know that you fit in here just fine as all of us have an out of the box POV which makes us very interesting and a wonderful bunch of people, so come on in we will have a big cyber hug and get to know each other.
Love Misha Nova

The only bad question is the one not asked.

I've been here almost a year.

Wendy Jean's picture

It took that long to work up the courage to truly introduce myself.

I have talked to various authors, it helped. I've also been trying to participate more in the comments, though that took a lot longer.

Compared to the superstars like Angharad my output is fairly pitiful. I notice a lot of people use it like therapy, it seems to work for them. I'm into Sci Fi and a little fantasy. I was a HAM, but I let my license lapse. I am also a major science buff. When Bob died I was surprised how similar our back grounds were, including diabetes unfortunately.

But a writer writes, mine tends to be for insomniacs and students. I like to teach. I am very active at a popular electronics forum. I consider this my second home.

Thank you all for the kind words. I will become more active over time, I haven't figured out where to go yet.