The Working Girl Blogs Revision 2.0 Blog #58: Leaving BCTS and saying my goodbyes - My Final Blog To see all of Bobbie's Working Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/19261/working-girl-blogs

I have been a member of this site for more than one year and four months: sixty-nine tumultuous weeks; three hundred and seventy-plus eventful days. And a lot has happened in that time.

As all of those who have read my blog know, I transitioned a long time, ago - over five years ago, actually, yet I hadn't fully adjusted. This has led my long-time therapist, who was there at the beginning of this journey of mine, to doubt her agreement to my transitioning.

There are a significant number (not that many but a significant number nevertheless) of people out there that transitioned but, in the end, regretted the transition. It is especially tragic for surgical MTF transitioners who were "misdiagnosed" in this way, as there is not even the possibility of going back, as opposed to those who just chemically transitioned, where transitioning back is at least a possibility. There are lots of reasons why, but most seem to be because of unrealistic expectations, or that they weren't stable enough to transition, or the reasons that made them think they were born into the wrong gender were not the right ones.

The fact that I had trouble acclimating myself to my new reality - uncomfortable in accepting compliments, for example, and thinking I'm a fake a lot of the time, and being so insecure in my new outward identity - it made my therapist worry - and she has been with me for a long time, trying to find out if there was indeed a "misdiagnosis," or if I was just inordinately neurotic :p

A few weeks ago, she laughingly expressed the opinion that it was like dealing with a teenager helping her get used to things as she grew up. In a way, this part of my journey is like a second childhood (I actually wanted to say "second teenager-hood," but who ever heard of a "teenager-hood"), where I learned the ropes of how it is to be a woman.

She also said that my previous years of post-transition time were somewhat different from this one. She thinks 2010 is some sort of watershed year for me, and that in the previous five years, I was just... coasting.

I had this idealized image of what kind of girl I thought I ought to be, and I did my level-best to make that image a reality: feminine, poised, attractive (ha! I wish), have a family, a husband even - somehow not all of that felt right. For example, the three men that I've had sexual relations with (yeah, just three men. I'm a prude, yeah, yeah) - that didn't feel right. Oh, they were fine, though I don't imagine guys wanting to hear that from a girl (So how was I last night? Fine? Fine?! I was just fine?!!). But what can I say? Guys are okay, but the best thing I can say is that there's no zing. It's fine, and feels great, and it can be fun, but I guess it's not what I prefer. Sex with guys? Meh...

Perhaps I just wasn't lucky in that I didn't get good partners. Or maybe it's how I am now - after all it's mostly the male hormones that give men and, yes, women, their sexual drive (natural women DO make male hormones, though very little compared to men). I guess I am being a little unfair to those guys - actually, I was lucky - I mean, everyone has heard of the horror stories of how men can be. These three were gentlemen, and were kind to me. They were witty and interesting, and one of them was very good looking. But of the three, though, if I had to pick one, I'd pick the one that was closest to my age. In another time and place, I would want him to be a friend, a buddy.

One thing, though - being with a man, I can't help but feel more feminine, and though I feel so much more fragile and vulnerable with them, I feel vulnerable but protected, especially with a big guy's arm around me. A good, feminine kind of vulnerability. Sorry, that's the best way I can put it.

Before SRS, one of the major things I worried about was how to pass easily for a girl. So, after SRS, as soon as my condition allowed, I had a bunch of cosmetic operations, which included fixing my forehead, my hairline, my ears, my cheeks, eyes and eyebrow ridges, jaw, nose, and Adam’s apple (as well as a heck of a of a lot of electrolysis sessions on my cheeks, neck, arms, armpits, thighs, legs, and on not-so-obvious parts of my anatomy). I sold or hocked everything I had to sell or hock, and borrowed what I could so I could have these operations. But, after all of those operations, I didn't have much left for a boob or ass job, so I made do with my pair of undersized B's, and less junk in my trunk.

Anyway, it was only this year that I was able to pay everything back, so that meant I was barely making ends meet for a looong time (and I am not saying how bad that was) and had to find ways to still indulge my obsession with shoes and, to a certain extent, clothes, although it took me a while to develop a working clothes sense of a sort, and quit dressing so... schoolmarmish, or like a badly-dressed tranny. (And I'm not saying that all trannies dress like that. I blogged a bit about that before, I think.)

So, thanks to the magic of plastic surgery, passing wasn't too much of a problem. To help them, I had provided my doctors with pictures of my sister in high school and some old pictures of mom when she was young. I ended up looking a lot like my mom and sis, with some overtones of dad. So, when people see me with my folks and/or my sister, I'm sure people assume we're all related. But I guess that wasn't so difficult to accomplish by the doctors since we WERE related to begin with.

Even so, I had problems in accepting compliments for my looks, or even believe that I look genuine, as I still thought that much of me was a fake.

Actually, I've always had problems with my looks. I was short and effeminate in school, and had to endure bullies. Now that I'm a girl, I suppose being petite is appropriate, but even among girls, I'm pretty short. I suppose my bad experiences when I was young have cemented my dislike of being so... vertically challenged. (I'm a trifle below 5'1") I supposed that's one of the big reasons why I love high heels. But recently I've become more willing to accept compliments, and, deep down, I think I have now started to believe that I'm a real girl, and that I deserve my place in this world. My therapist doesn't have doubts about my transition anymore.

Being in BCTS is an education. Coz it's easy to be kind, and there are a lot here who are kind (and for that I'm very, very grateful). You have to work at it to make people feel bad, but there are a few here (as there are everywhere) who are very eager and willing to put in the work needed, and be ready to pick a fight, to find fault, or be there all ready to cast a disparaging word just because. So I learned to fight back a bit, but I also tried to help and encourage when I can, and to tolerate those that are more inept than I (though I can't think of anyone more inept than me heehee) in people interaction, and not pick on them as people are wont to do at those that are considered outsiders or, well... a bit off. I say to myself, aren't all of us here outsiders and off-kilter in many ways, so don't we all need to be treated fairly, or at the very least, kindly?

In the short period that I was here, a lot has happened to me personally: family emergencies, losing friends, but at the same time gaining new ones (and a few times actually regaining some friends that I thought I had lost), working it out with my folks, losing a job, getting a job, jogging regularly, finally putting "paid" to all my debts, learning to interact better, a promotion, and having that fight in the office (including the legal things that came with it, and the neuroses that threatened to undo all that I and my therapist had worked so hard on for seven sad-lonely-happy years).

In a way, that fight was the main catalyst for me, for that forced me to adjust, and to face up to things, and with all the good things that coincidentally followed that event, I think those good things helped me to push on with my resolve, and I think I made the proverbial turn in the road of this new existence of mine.

I now have solid prospects in my job, and, despite my being outed, I think I will be able to maintain my position and still move forward. I am finally leaving my apartment and getting a real home - one that we are moving into this January. I have good, new faithful friends, both in the internet, such as those from here in BCTS, and in the real world. And, very importantly, I think I have found a partner (stress on the word "think"). We are not a traditional couple (she's a girl after all, AND from Japan no less) but after my foray into heterosexual relationships, and comparing that to the relationship I now have with my special person, (I think she's the one, but only time will tell) I guess I have to get used to being labeled a lesbian (or perhaps I'm bi, but with a strong preference for girls heehee).

In the first post of my WORKING GIRL blogs, I said the following:

"I am thankful that I discovered BCTS, and though many of those who have transitioned like me do not like to be part of such communities (my therapist says they'd rather forget their own papier mache years for they are too painful), I guess I am still not yet fully past the turn in the road, so that's why I am still here. I am actually scared that if I come to that goal-of-goals, I myself might visit BCTS less and less. I hope not."

So, this brings me to the real subject of this blog.

After a long time inventorying my feelings, my goals in life, my current situation, and everything else that matters, like I said I think I have made the turn, so I am finally saying goodbye, and moving on. And that's why I blogged what I blogged just now, as a way of explaining this decision.

Don't get me wrong - everything is far from perfect, but I think I have made the turn. Just that.

So I won't be posting new blogs, nor post comments about other members' blogs and stories. However, I still intend to post stories here on occasion (though I doubt if this will be frequent) and I will definitely respond to the comments on my existing ones. I feel like I'm in a different place in my life, different from where I was when I wrote Danny and the other ones, so writing these types of stories will be difficult. I will try my best, though, and will definitely finish my Danny, Library and Witch stories, plus the new version of my Dumdums book, as well as that little editing job for Gwen that is very overdue, and will try to write new stories if I can (This is the closest I can to leaving, yet still get my BCTS "fix.")

Needless to say, this will be the last of my Working Girl blogs. I cannot say how much I have loved everyone's comments, private messages and emails, as well as the late night chats in the BCTS/stardust chatrooms (pardon me for not naming names - but my friends know who they are, and I will not mention them here for fear of missing some) but I think I'm not gonna be doing these things anymore.

I am not in the same place in my life anymore. And I fear that, if I stay here, the temptation to backslide will not go away, and knowing my fragile psyche, I cannot afford that.

I am not gonna go stealth, don't get me wrong (although that will always be an option), coz anyone who wants to talk with me can always send me a BCTS PM, an email, (for those who know my email address, that is) or we can even spend time chatting privately online perhaps via Yahoo Messenger, or a Yahoo or Google chatroom or something.

I am not saying that BCTS and the other TS-related online communities that I've been part of are not good places to be in. I'm just saying I have to leave. But who knows? Maybe sometime in the future, I might be back. Like anyone who might get in trouble in the future, it's always a comfort to know I can go back home for support.

I love you all, and, from the bottom of my heart and soul, thank you.

   

To see ALL of Bobbie's blogposts, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/bobbie-c To see Bobbie's stories in BCTS, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot

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