I reached through the doorway and took the tray of food from Mrs. Doyle, who stood uncertainly for a moment. Then my aunt leaned forward and the two women hugged; Mrs. Doyle started to cry a little and it seemed like my aunt was comforting her. Then I realized my aunt was sobbing silently; I could tell by her shoulders. I put the food down and got things ready, set the table, and so on, thinking again about the power of women to help each other.

The Cabin - Part 12 — Conclusion

Chapter 32: Going Home

The next two days were much the same. I worked closely with the Doyles to get my cousins fed and clothed. I learned everything that we had and didn’t have in our kitchen, went to the store with Mrs. Doyle to get more, and did more cooking than I ever had before. Mrs. Doyle said that even though nobody wanted to eat, they had to so they could keep up their strength. Otherwise they would just get more and more miserable. They also needed the familiarity and regular schedule of eating to anchor themselves to. The worst thing was to sit and brood. So I helped out as much as possible. Same thing with laundry; once my aunt realized that I’d be helping so much, she showed me the ropes and then concentrated on healing her family.

I found out what every wife and mother discovers–just how much work it can be to keep a household going. Of course, I didn’t have to worry about getting anybody off to school or work, since my cousins mostly stayed where they were. Cindy might move from her room to the dock and then back to her room; Chuck threw enough rocks in the lake to raise the water level, or else he was in the garage. My uncle was in the garage when Chuck wasn’t, or else he was in the living room with the TV on and sound off, not even really watching. My aunt moved between them all, talking softly with them or standing mute, until she was so fatigued she’d sleep in her room.

I had a ‘working uniform’ of shorts, a v-neck t-shirt, denim shorts and tennis shoes, and if I wasn’t washing or chopping or cooking food, I was collecting, washing, and folding laundry. My mind went on a kind of vacation; I didn’t think about being a girl or a boy. I didn’t think about my parents; I didn’t think about the future. I just did the work for all of us that needed to be done, chatted with the Doyles a little if I got the chance, and crawled into bed and slept until the next morning. The only thing I did that was even remotely ‘for me’ was to call Dorothy; she hadn’t been on shift yet and hadn’t heard about Larry. She fully understood what we were going through because of her own sister’s death. She said she knew enough to give me space and time, and told me to call her when I was ready. I loved her so much for her compassion and understanding.

On the fourth day my cousins thought they could do their own cooking. For seven or eight meals, they had eaten whatever I put in front of them. By the fourth day they wanted to start making their own individual meals, which meant being together in the kitchen at the same time, which meant–anger. I wished I was invisible as their hurt and misery poured out at each other, touched off by simple things like running low on sugar or having wheat bread instead of white.

I knew they’d turn on me soon and I wanted to be out of there, so I asked my aunt if I could go over to the Doyles’ for a bit. My aunt gave me a knowing look and told me to take a well-deserved rest and spend the afternoon, if it was okay with them. I had some flour on my shirt so I went up to change into another shirt, then thought, “the heck with it”. I’d been in working-girl mode for three days, and I wanted to relax and feel good about myself. If the Doyles were busy, I’d take a walk. So I changed into a new yellow and red sundress, put on my necklace and rings, took out my studs and put in hoops, some blush and lipgloss, brushed my hair full and spritzed on some Sunwater.

My cousins had quieted down and moved to the living room; I slipped through the kitchen and ran lightly over to Bonnie’s. Not only were they in, but without me asking, Mrs. Doyle invited me to spend the day with them if I could! We sat on their patio and had a cool salad and fresh bread she’d made with her new bread maker, and it was wonderful to eat at someone else’s for a change. Bonnie told me I had some email, but since the day was so nice I decided to wait until later to go inside and download it. It was probably my folks’ response to my mail, and I was half-dreading reading it because my aunt had warned me they might want me to stop being Susan. I wanted to put off any heavy real-world stuff as long as I could.

After lunch, Bonnie and I took Hannah to walk along the beach. She had a pail and was collecting special rocks, she told us. So while she scampered down by the water, we kept an eye on her and chatted.

“You’ve been fantastic helping out,” Bonnie said.

“They’re my family, of course I would,” I said with a sigh. “And I’d help you guys if something terrible happened, God forbid.”

“I know you would, Sue. You’re such a good person …The past few days have been rough on you, haven’t they?” Bonnie asked.

I watched Hannah for a moment before answering. “Yeah. Of course, they’ve been rougher on them. I feel guilty because, well ...”

“Do you feel guilty because you weren’t on that hunting trip?” Bonnie asked softly.

I glanced at her and back to Hannah. “It sounds stupid when you say it out loud, doesn’t it? But, yeah, I do. And you know what? I didn’t even really like Larry. He was such a little ...a little ...”

“Chuck. He was such a little Chuck, right?”

I nodded.

“And–he was such a little boy, right? Didn’t you look at him and say to yourself, ‘that’s what they want me to be’? Didn’t you think it–at least a little?”

I stared at her and then burst out, “At least a lot! Omigod, that’s exactly right, Bonnie; I never quite put it together like that, but that’s it! Maybe that’s why I didn’t like him.” I’d never even thought like this, but now that I turned it around in my mind I realized that Bonnie was right; she was very insightful. “But I still feel really bad that he’s gone.”

She nodded and then, to lighten the mood, adopted a teacher’s tones. “So your gender dissatisfaction manifested itself in antipathy to your cousin’s masculinity.”

I laughed and responded with a dumb tone. “Yeah. Right. Whut yew said, miz professuh.”

We both chuckled and watched Hannah try to sneak up on a bird.

Bonnie blew out a breath. “I think that wasn’t an accurate diagnosis, actually. It goes far deeper. Not a reaction to anything; more of …an expression. You know, Susan, you ...” She tried a different approach. “Do you know what you’re going to do now?”

“Not really. When we get back, I’ll check that email. It’s probably from my folks; then I might have a better idea.”

“I meant about the whole gender thing.”

“So do I. Bonnie, there’s something that I haven’t really told you about–and I will–but I want to ask you something before I do. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, and I know it puts you in an awkward space, but Bonnie, what do you think I should do?”

She thought for a moment and said, “I’ll answer that, but you need to phrase the question more specifically.”

I got my thoughts together and said, “Do you think I should continue as Susan? I don’t know what my folks will think, but do you think I should?”

“I wasn’t going to say anything, but I’ll be mad at myself later if I don’t tell you. I think … No, I’m convinced that there’s absolutely no way you can even pretend to be a boy now. You are female, Susan. I’m one, my mom’s one, and my sister’s one, so I know what being female is all about. And you’re one, too, to the absolute core of your being. Of course, your chromosomes would disagree and you’ve got some plumbing differences, but mentally, socially, emotionally, you’re female. Absolutely no doubt about it. So whatever’s between your legs is insignificant compared to what’s between your ears. Continue as Susan? It’s a meaningless question, because you are Susan.”

“Whew!” was all I could say. I reached out and squeezed her hand.

“I know, I know,” she smiled. She chuckled. “But you already knew the answer, didn’t you? I mean, my answer, and–most importantly–your own answer.”

I nodded. “Pretty much.”

She grinned and bumped shoulders with me. “Knew it. So, can you tell me whatever it is, now?”

“Well, you know I’ve been seeing this doctor at the hospital, right?”

“I know you did, and then I heard more about your new friend and …Eric …”

She’d said it all breathy and giggled. I bumped her shoulder right back.

“Yeah. Um …” I sighed.

Bonnie said, “Actually, I wasn’t sure how many times you went to see the doctor. I know you were there for Larry, too.”

I felt a twist of guilt. “You know what? I never saw him. Not once. They thought it would be too …I don’t know …disturbing or something. The thing is, from what my aunt said, he was almost never conscious.” I felt a shiver, despite the warm day. “God, I hope he wasn’t suffering. I hope he was unconscious and not in pain …right through to …to the end.”

“Hope so, too,” Bonnie said, putting her arm around me and giving me a hug.

There was a quiet moment, broken only by Hannah’s squeals and giggles as she scampered around.

I cleared my throat. “The very first day I saw the doctor–oh, about every two weeks was when I saw her–um …we walked in and she had this thick file on her desk.” I held my fingers about four inches apart. “Couldn’t be mine, right? But it was. My parents had …years of stuff about me–I mean they had it with them or could download from their computers back home. Years and years of doctors’ reports, things from my school counselors and …” I swallowed. “They’ve always known something was wrong with me–”

Bonnie held up a finger. “Incorrect. ‘Wrong’ like incorrect; not ‘wrong’ like something bad.”

“Guess so …”

“No, Sue, know so!” Bonnie declared. “Be clear on that. Your parents were collecting data that something was incorrect about you, that an error had been made somehow.”

I shook my head. “God, I’m going to miss you, Bonnie …” My throat caught.

“Hey, I’m just a few keystrokes away!” she grinned. Then she chuckled. “Ah. That’s why you had me tell you what I thought before you told me about your medical file. Because I’m coming from the purely psychological angle.”

I nodded. “Dr. Janssen seems to say that, medically, I should be a girl.”

“And Dr. Doyle says that, psychologically, you are a girl!”

We both bumped shoulders again, grinning.

Hannah ran up to us and had to go potty, so with each of us holding her hands and swinging her between us, we walked back to the cabin. In front of my cousins’ cabin was a black Lincoln Town Car. Bonnie and I gave each other a look; then my mother and father came out of the front door of the cabin. The look on my father’s face was undecipherable; my mother had the strangest smile I’d ever seen.

Bonnie turned to me and said, “Whoa–looks like you’ve got company. I’ll be waiting for you if you need me. Good luck, Susan! Come on, Hannah.”

Hannah was reluctant to let go of my hand. “No, come, Susan!”

I bent at the knees to put me on her eye level, folding my dress behind my knees. “Can’t, Hannah. That’s my mommy, and I want to say hi to her. And you’ve got to go potty, remember?”

“Oh yeah. Bye-bye, Susan. I love you!” she said, waving as Bonnie led her next door. Then Hannah yelled, “Bye-bye, Susan’s mommy!”

I cringed; Bonnie shot me a sheepish look as she waved to my folks. I stood and turned to face my parents. My dad was lagging behind, saying something to Aunt Margaret, so my mother reached me first.

“Well. I’ve never been called that before!” she gave a forced chuckle.

I opened my mouth to apologize, but she continued.

“But I have a feeling it won’t be the last time.”

I didn’t know what to do. Hug them? I wanted to, but wearing a dress? The indecision showed on my face, I guess, because Mom reached out and pulled me to her, giving me the most special hug I could remember.

“How are you, honey?” she said softly, with so much gentleness and compassion, that my eyes welled up. She reached up and put her hands on my cheeks. “Now, now, what’s that? Aren’t you glad to see us?”

My dad had reached us. “We sent an email. Didn’t it download?”

“No, I’ve been busy helping out, and then Aunt Margaret told me to take the rest of the day off and Hannah wanted to go to the water so we left right away. Bonnie told me about your email just now and we were going to read it when we got back from the lake,” I said, looking at him with some reluctance.

While I looked at Dad, my mom reached up and pushed my hair back. “Such pretty hair. But I don’t care for the style too much.”

“Mom!”

I didn’t know whether to be outraged or flattered; I was mostly embarrassed. I realized instantly that I’d said ‘Mom!’ like every teenaged girl did. I’d loved my trip to the salon and loved my hair, but if my mom didn’t like it, maybe I could get another trip to the salon–if they let me be Susan.

Before anybody could say anything more a car pulled up; Eric got out and I wished the earth would open up and swallow me. I also wished Eric would hold me and kiss me, and he looked so good, but I realized the massive embarrassment potential, so I quickly spoke up.

“Eric, these are my folks. Dad, Mom, this is Eric. His father’s a doctor at the hospital.”

Eric had a concerned look. “I just heard about your cousin; I’m very sorry. I just came out to see if there was something I could do, if you needed anything …” Then remembering his manners, “An honor to meet you, sir, ma’am,” as he shook their hands. “I’m Eric Arlington, a friend of Susan’s.”

My dad seemed to shake Eric’s hand like he was sleepwalking; my mother shook Eric’s hand and turned to give me a very strange smile.

I said, “Thank you, Eric, for coming out here. I guess Dorothy told you?”

He nodded.

I winced. “I’ve got to call her again. I’m sorry; I’ve been so busy here taking care of my cousins. This is the first moment I’ve had a chance to breathe, and just now my folks showed up.”

I hoped the conversation would end there, but Eric shocked me by turning to my folks and saying, “I know you’ve just arrived and want to visit with your daughter, and I know you might want to spend time with your sister and her family, but when and if it’s convenient for you, sir, ma’am …I’d like to ask Susan out. That is, if it’s acceptable to you.”

Again, I wanted the earth to swallow me; I felt beet-red with embarrassment, but I also knew that this was a crucial moment. Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything I could do about it; the ball was squarely in their court. I looked at both of them, wondering which way it was going to go.

I was blown away by what happened next. My dad said, “I think that could be arranged; thank you for your courtesy in asking.” He turned to look at me with a face I’d never seen before. “I think my daughter would be free this evening …”

He had a question in his tone as he looked at Mom, who jumped in next with a firm nod. “Yes, of course she will; I think that’d be lovely. Right now, we’ve got to see how our family is doing, you understand.”

“Yes, ma’am, I do,” Eric said seriously. “And the hospital has very good grief counselors; your family might want to look into them.” He turned to me. “They helped Dorothy when her sister died.”

My dad gave him a more appraising, man-to-man look. “Thank you, Eric. That was very thoughtful.” He looked at Eric a bit longer and I could feel him decide. “I may look into the counselors myself this afternoon. We’re staying at the Sheraton, room 1401. We’ve a lot to do today, but perhaps if you come by at seven, Susan will be ready?”

Omigod! My father had just approved my first real date! And just as suddenly I fully realized that I was leaving the cabin today, leaving my cousins, leaving the Doyles …

Eric thanked them, gave me a warm smile, nodded to me, and left. Oh God, I thought, here comes the weird part.

My mom said, “He seems like a very nice young man, Susan.”

My dad said, “You’ve got excellent taste, young lady.”

Then he startled the hell out of me by looking at me, tilting his head a little to the side, smiling and holding both arms out wide. I think I actually flew into his arms, my arms around his waist, hugging. God, I’d missed them so much more than I thought!

“I think ...” my dad cleared his throat and started over again. “I think maybe it’s good you didn’t get to our email yet.”

“Why?”

Even my mom looked at him quizzically. He held me at arm’s length.

“So the first time we saw you, you didn’t have the pressure of preparation, or warning your friends. I think your mom and I got a chance to see you for what you really are.”

‘…for what you really are …’

The world stopped. My stomach started to tighten; I sagged and I wished I could die right then. Here it comes, I thought. Here comes the disgust and hatred and–

“Our beautiful daughter.”

Huh?

“And we love you.”

Did I hear that right?

“We love you, Susan!”

I was in shock. I was speechless. My mom came up and hugged me from the side, I could see my aunt in the doorway smiling at me, her hands at her mouth, and suddenly everything got blurry. I don’t know where the next words came from.

“Oh, Daddy!” I cried and hugged him tight, so tight.

We rocked back and forth a few times. I had never called him Daddy before, but the way it came out just seemed so right. Then I thought about getting his suit wet from my tears, and broke off the hug. My mom produced a tissue from wherever mothers kept them, and I dabbed at my eyes and my nose.

“Oh God, you guys ...I love you so much. I’ve been going through so much, and I was so scared ...”

“We know, honey,” my mom said. “We’ve …known.”

“My file,” I nodded, sniffing and dabbing. “Dr. Janssen’s, I mean. You already had all that information about me.”

Mom said, “Susan–look at me, honey.” I looked up as she said, “We have a lot to talk about. We don’t have to do it here on the beach, do we?” I shook my head. She smiled, “So it can wait, okay? But we will talk.”

My dad put his hand lightly on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Susan, we’ve been …Let me put it this way: We’ve been aware of you, for years. Even when you–even when Stuart wasn’t aware–we were fairly certain that …well, let’s say ‘that our daughter would make her appearance’. And here you are.” His smile was wonderful!

Mom’s smile was, too. “We might have been thousands of miles away, sweetheart; but we had no way of knowing when Susan might join us. The timing with our work was unfortunate, but we’re all together now. But even while we were away, your aunt was on top of things so we knew what was happening, what you were doing, what you were going through. What we didn’t know was how well you’re doing!” I knew she meant Eric. “We didn’t know how … natural you are as a girl. Or how pretty you are!”

I blushed and got the warmest feeling, head to toe! “Oh, Mom!”

Dad joined in. “Why don’t we get out of the road, here?” He called to my aunt in the doorway. “Margaret? Got some tea?”

“You know I always do!” she called back, with a sad but happy smile.

“Then my wife and daughter and I would love to share a pot with you!”

And we went into the cabin; my mother, my father, and me–their daughter.

The End