Life Passed

By Jo Dora Webster

Edited by Holly Logan

Can Marcus cope with yet another of his clients slipping the bonds of Earth?

---

I watched Helen Chambers vital signs on the monitor as she rested easily in her bed after finishing her meal. She was a gem of a woman who was imprisoned in her own body. As paralysis set in, her body had rebelled. Instead of the tiny beauty she should have been, her body was weighed down with an unmoving mass. As her vital organs began to shut down one by one, the realization that she was terminal became apparent.

"Marcus, thank you for another wonderful meal! The tastes that you bring together through your creativity in the kitchen are amazing. That is even more so with all of my dietary restrictions. Thanks, Sweetie." The smile on Helen's face was a great reward for my efforts.

"You are welcome, Helen. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I enjoyed creating your meal for you."

"You certainly take good care of me. I admire all your creativity in the way that you do your work. It's clear to me that it's a work of love for you."

"Is there anything that I can get for you?"

"No dear, I'm fine for now."

"Then I will get your tray and do some cleaning up."

"I'll take a nap. Have fun, Marcus."

I did have fun cleaning but it also gave me time to think. I had hoped that I could save Helen. I wished to somehow turn the tide of her illness with my attentiveness. My devotion to her comfort kept her free from pain. I felt that if I could make things as comfortable as they could be physically, and promoted a pleasant environment, that I could make her quality of life the best it could be. Somehow, becoming Helen's friend and companion was something that came very natural for me.

Finishing my housework, I went quietly into Helen's room to check on her well being. I had been watching her vital signs while doing the housework, but it put my mind at ease to look in on her. As I came in, she came to life.

"Marcus, do you believe in reincarnation?"

"I do believe, Helen. I hope that I have learned from my life this time will help me become a better person next time."

"How do you believe it works when one life passes to another?"

"We all hear stories of people moving away from this life passing into a overwhelming white light. I feel that within that white light a great energy surrounds us, and for a moment all the lives that we have lived are revealed. In that clarity of being known in all truth, the sum of what we have become through our lives is made known. Fate knows somehow, how well and what we have learned in our lives, as well as the lessons that are yet to be learned. Fate decides the kind of life that would teach that lesson and molds us to be born into that new life with a clean slate."

"What if when you are joined with the omniscience that in that moment of clarity, you determine how the creative energy is used to bring new life?"

"Perhaps the difference between letting it happen and taking an active role in it, signals that some lessons have been learned."

"Hmm,can a person believe in both reincarnation and ghosts?"

"Well, I do. I feel that there can be a time spent interacting with the living before that rendezvous with the white light. And I also believe that in the process of passing into the other dimension, that beings of pure energy and spirit can act as mentors for a time before they complete their journey beyond."

"You have an interesting take on this, Marcus. It's clear that you've given this some thought."

"I believe that the time at the end of our life is important. I feel fortunate to show care and compassion to ease the transition. 'How we face death is at least as important as how we face life.' That is how I manage to cope with all the emotions."

I could see that Helen recognized my reference to 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan' and lifted one eyebrow at me. She smiled and closed her eyes Her vitals confirmed that she had slipped into sleep. It was a wonder that I was now working as a hospice nurse, as tender hearted as I was.

I had shown that I had a quiet strength and that I kept my head in a crisis. I did not let what might happen paralyze me, nor would I be consumed with what had happened. I didn't carry the emotion from one case to another since I was able to put the mandatory day off between cases to good use, emptying myself of my tears so I could give my best to my next charge.

The credit for discovering how to get the emotions out in one day of mourning goes to Nurse Jennifer with whom my agency paired me with for my first hospice assignment. The agency had found it to be very cost effective in the long run to have 2 nurses working together, since inevitably the nurses who trained with Nurse Jennifer learned how to be good long term hospice nurses who did not burn themselves out.

I discovered phyto-estrogen in natural foods like soy and flax seed. In a born woman, they regulate estrogen in their bodies and help to maintain balance. In me, they gave me an opening of my emotions without actually continuing through a female puberty, growing breasts and losing my upper body strength. Nurse Jennifer noticed that I had taken well to eating like she did, with foods rich in phyto-estrogen. She must have suspected something about me because her going away present to me when that assignment concluded, was a copy of Nina Shandler's book, 'Estrogen, The Natural Way'

Through it I learned how to fill my pantry with phyto-estrogen rich foods, and collect a wonderful array of recipes on how to incorporate them naturally in my diet. The emotional balance that I gained in being able to freely express my emotions helped center me after I had grieved, and purging that grief made me a better nurse for my future clients. I don't believe it would have worked had I not already had the mind of a woman. The details didn't matter, because even if it didn't work for anyone else, it worked for me.

Michelle Chambers Johnson, Helen's older sister, worked long hours and was very dedicated to her work. However today was different as she arrived home from work in the afternoon.I was surprised that she wore outwardly her Celtic Triqueta knot necklace which some associated with Wicca. In representing the three lives of women as maiden, mother and matron, it had a great deal of beauty in form and thought for me. Helen had requested that I place that necklace's twin around her neck after I had done her makeup that morning.

"Marcus, would you like to sit with me in the living room for a moment and talk?"

"Of course, Michelle. Is there anything in particular that you wanted to talk about?"

She smoothed her skirt underneath her as she sat down in a chair and I took the one opposite from her.

"I'd like to talk about you. You have been so wonderful both to Helen and me. We've both noticed something about you that is not consistent with your character, in that you are hiding something. I know you to be honest in everything else, so it puzzles me and my sister. We both love you, and we want to help if we can. I know this is personal, but in order to help, I must ask. What are you hiding, Marcus?"

"Michelle, I don't know what you are talking about! I guess everyone in my work has a little professional detachment. Perhaps that is what you both perceive."

"Who are you really, deep down inside?"

'She knows!' I thought when she asked that. You see, deep down inside, I knew that I was female. I feared what I might lose when I was the victim of the stigma associated with people who changed their gender expression from what society felt I was supposed to have. I had paused too long thinking and now I could not give an answer that deflected her from questioning me.

I finally got up the courage to tell her the truth. "I'm female. I know I don't express my true gender, and that is what I am covering up. I haven't had the courage to admit this to another person until now. I feared being the victim of stigma.";

"Oh, Sweetie! You express female gender in a lot of ways. Only the way that you represent yourself by your outward appearance is inconsistent with that expression. We love you, and if you choose to totally express female gender in all aspects of your life, we will support you in any way that we can. "

"I appreciate your compassion, Michelle, but I'm not sure that I am ready for such a step right now. I'm glad that you two would be okay if I were to transition."

"I have something for you. You see, I felt that you have a sister spirit within you. From what you have discussed with both Helen and me, your spirit seems to be compatible with ours."

She took a small box from her purse and handed it to me. When I took it from her and opened it,I was thrilled to see that it was another matching Celtic Triqueta knot necklace. The necklaces that I had thought were twins, were actually triplets, and I had the third one in my hands.

"Thank you, Michelle, and I will properly thank Helen when she is awake"

I gave her a great big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She took the necklace from the box and hung it around my neck. My emotions overcame me and inexplicably I cried tears of joy, for both being welcomed as family and also for her acknowledging me as being female.

"You are welcome, my dear. I hope that you will wear it always, as Helen and I will wear ours. We won't mind if you wear it inside your clothes until the day that you can find it within yourself to be open about the person you really are inside."

"Thank you for understanding. With this necklace, and what it represents, now I might have the faith to go where my heart will take me."

Michelle would have spoken, but just then the medical alarms went off indicating that Helen had gone into arrest. I pointed to Michelle and commanded, "Michelle, call 911!"

I never asserted myself to command in that way unless the situation was dire, and it was. I ran to Helen's room, snatching up the AED from its place at Helen's bedside and placed it on the bed. I tucked the necklace inside my scrub top to get it out of the way, while I did one cycle of CPR where Helen remained unresponsive. I placed the pads on her chest and set the AED to work to analyze the situation and see if she needed to be shocked. It recommended a shock and I administered it, but she didn't revive.

"Marcus, they have dispatched EMT's. They should be here in five minutes. I will meet them and direct them to you and Helen."

Thank you, Michelle."

The AED tried shocking Helen 2 more times without reviving her and did not recommend any further shocks. I resumed CPR and waited for the EMT's to arrive.

While Michelle gave one EMT Helen's medical history, the other took over from me caring for Helen. She administered some epinephrine and Helen came back to life, though barely.

The two EMT's transferred Helen from her bed to a stretcher and transported her to the ambulance. Michelle and I followed the ambulance to the hospital in her car. I drove, since my composure was better than hers, but we both showed signs of the stress of coping with what was happening to Helen. We didn't speak in the car since Michelle wanted me to focus on the driving and not to comfort her. They whisked Helen into a cardiac treatment room and Michelle and I could only sit in the waiting room while they worked on her.

"Sweetie, you are one with Helen and me now, we are sisters. Helen's homecoming nears. If you open yourself to the supernatural, you may be able to share the totality of the experience."

"What are you telling me, Michelle?"

I didn't care what anyone thought at this point, so I pulled the necklace out from my scrub top and wore it proudly for all to see.

"You know that Helen's medical wishes dictate that she not be kept alive artificially. This may be the time when we both have to say goodbye to her. It is a most powerful time, full of possibilities if you are open to them."

"I'm ready to say goodbye to Helen if it comes to that. I'm open to any possibility."

"Good. They will be calling for us soon."

No sooner had she said that when one of the nurses walked purposely into the room and to us.

"Mrs. Johnson. Nurse Walters. Helen called you and time is short."

The three of us walked quickly with a purpose till the nurse led us to Helen's bedside. I walked to one side of Helen's bedside and took one hand while Michelle walked to the other side of Helen and took the other hand.

"Thank you for coming, sisters"

"I love you, Helen. Blessed be!"

"I love you too Helen. Thank you for my gift."

"I hope you like your next gift as well, sister. I love both of you with all my heart." Once more the alarms sounded but the DNR (do not resuscitate) order was in place and Helen passed from this life. At the same time I felt my eyes rolling up as I fainted.

*************

All of a sudden I was the most alive that I had ever been. I felt very congruent and very different at the same time. I looked down at myself and realized that I was a creature of pure energy or perhaps more accurately, pure spirit. I looked down at myself and saw myself as I had to that point only seen myself in dreams. I was a twelve year old girl who had not begun puberty.

At my feet was my corporeal body, still looking as male as I could bring myself to portray to the world, unchanged, except that I was collapsed on the floor unconscious. Michelle still clutched Helen's hand as she wept over her. I could see a nurse, the one who had led us there; rush over to care for my body.

"Sister, it is time for me to pass my life to you."

"Helen, I don't understand."

"Sweetie, the white light now beckons to me. My life force glows with the energy that I have added in the living. That energy ordinarily would be used to transform me physically to the person that I would be for my next life."

"Would be used? What is it that you are planning, Helen?"

"I feel like that you should not have to wait for your next life to put an end to your suffering. I intend to use that life energy to put right what once went wrong for you."

I recognized her reference to Quantum Leap, so I referred to it too, in order to help explain my concern.

"No Helen!! Your next leap may be the leap all the way home. Giving me that gift could cost you everything."

"Yet it is my gift to give. Do you know why it is that you in spirit are still a girl, instead of a woman?"

I was glad that Helen had changed the subject away from her giving up her next incarnation, and her question helped reveal to me what transition would really involve.

"I feel that it is because I have not allowed myself to experience puberty yet, the way I should have in mind and body."

"Are you open to that possibility now? Are you ready to be your true self?"

I had made up my mind. In spite of all the downsides of transitioning, I would no longer let fear stand in my way. I would transition and finally be through with being a secret sister.

"I am, Helen. You have given me the gift of understanding. When I get back, I will start transition. I will be true to myself and to you and Michelle, my sisters."

"Sometimes, sisters have to act as mothers when mother isn't available. Are you ready to accept Michelle in that role?"

Michelle would be able to teach me a lot about being a woman in practical ways. I guess with my needing to grow up emotionally as a girl, Michelle would be my mother in many ways. I was so lucky that she would not vanish with my transition as I knew my birth parents would.

"Michelle would make a great mother. Yes, I will gladly accept Michelle as my mother."

Helen's energy aura, which had been bright before, overwhelmed me in a blinding flash. In that flash of inspiration I realized that Helen and I had not been on the same page at all. I sped toward a white light, only the white light engulfed me.

*************

I came to and the familiar surroundings of the exam room greeted me. The nurse towered over me and gave me support as she helped me to my feet. Everything was right, because now the physical me matched the spirit me. I was now a twelve year old preadolescent girl. I reached for my necklace and found it within the bodice of my dress. I pulled it out to wear it openly. I saw that Michelle was wearing her necklace too, even though her clothes had changed as well.

Michelle came around the bed and wrapped me up in a big hug as she whispered in my ear, "Play along, we'll talk in the car."

Somehow, that brief statement was Michelle saying goodbye to Marcus.

After that, Michelle seemed to be transfigured in her outward expression to me. She glowed with that spark of something that all mothers have, and I knew that she was no longer Michelle to me but she was my mother.

"Sweetie, I was so worried about you."

She felt my forehead the way mothers always do and then turned to the nurse.

"Is my daughter really alright?"

The nurse comforted me with a little pinch of my cheek as she reassured my Mother.

"She's fine. Her vitals are strong. She just fainted when Miss Chambers died."

Mother squatted down to my level. Being short again was something to get used to, since I had not had my growth spurt yet. She took my hands in hers and smiled looking eye to eye with me. "Minnie, let's get you home. The nurses have to see about Helen now anyway, so we should give them a chance to take care of things."

"Thank you, Momma."

Interestingly enough, I was dressed in the same outfit as I had been as a spirit. I was dressed in a long a-line dress made of pink velvet paired with white knee socks and black Mary Jane's with a matching purse on my shoulder. My hair was in two pigtails with pink ribbons tying up the ends. No makeup but then again, I did not need any, really.

The silence seemed to last an eternity, neither of us saying a word, Each of us feared giving it all away as we walked to the car. Once the car doors slammed shut, I felt a relief as if I had been holding my breath all that time and had just then taken in a deep breath.

She took my hand and held it as she looked into my eyes as she spoke.

"It worked. Helen passed her next life on to you early. Do you remember being Marcus?"

"Yes, but that is like another lifetime. I remember more clearly being raised with our mother till she died, and then you taking care of both Helen and I after that. Oh yes, and that sweet nurse Jessica who cared for Helen ordinarily. She called in sick and we had to care for her today. I';m glad that I learned CPR so I could help Helen while you called for help, Momma."

"I remember both lives too. You were a great big help, Minuet. You have a great big heart and you could be a medical professional again if that's where your heart leads you."

I smiled a big smile, back. "Thank you, Momma. I'll be a good girl while we drive home."

Momma buckled me into my seat belt and I could feel it for the loving act that it was, like a great big hug. We drove off and after a few minutes of uneventful driving arrived home.

"I miss Helen, Momma."

Clearly we both heard Helen's voice "You don't have to miss me yet. I'm still around."

Helen emerged from behind me and she seemed even more abundant with energy in her aura than before the white flash. She was still wearing her necklace, only it seemed possessed of a brilliance that defied description.

"What happened, Helen?"

"I found out that the leap home is not one that can be taken on our own energy, but with the ability granted to us when we are ready. The Goddess told me that in passing my life to you, I had shown myself worthy to pass into the beyond and go home myself. I've been given leave to be with you to help you through this transition before I make that trek into the great beyond."

"I'm glad for you that you are about at the end of your journey, Helen. I'm glad for me that you will be along to guide me at the starting of my journey. When time folded over on itself as a result of all the creative energies that you summoned, how come we three seem to be the only ones who have a clue about what was?"

"You don't need me for that answer, since your Momma came up with that wrinkle, but I'll tell you the answer anyway. It';s the triplet necklaces, and in a real way our sisterhood held a 'power of three' that was beyond any understanding of TV show writers. We three are bound together in a way that defies understanding." Helen responded and grinned widely at her sister Michelle.

I fingered my necklace as I asked my Momma, "And when Helen leaves this plane of existence, Momma?"

"We'll still be bound together, and where she goes, we will when our time comes, follow and be reunited there."

"Is that true, Helen? And in how many lives will we be together, physically that is."

"That would be telling, Sprite! In the place that I am going, physicality isn't really meaningful. Even with me gone, in a way I will always be with you."

"I guess I should have expected being talked to in riddles, since I'm the child here."

"If you are a child, sweetie, then I am much more of one. At least you are comfortable in this universe of ours but I'm going beyond all. I'm sorry if riddle speak frustrates you, but it's the only way of representing something so alien."

"I'm sorry Helen. While I am in the muck; this is something that I asked for. I know some of the rules and I will discover the others. I cannot even imagine what awaits you. I guess the day that I can, I will be where you are now. I'll be waiting for my own homecoming."

"That's okay, Sprite. I have a feeling that getting you up to speed was just what the doctor ordered. I could never let one of my sisters down if I had any choice in it."

"Helen, why am I a child now?"

"Sweetie, your spirit was frozen in time as a child. If you had become a woman of the same age that Marcus was, then you would still be incongruent, since your spirit was stuck as a little girl. Bringing your spirit and body together with congruency will allow you to grow up the way you might have if you had been able to let out your true self when you were twelve the first go around."

"You were trying to prepare me for this before I became Minuet and I didn't understand then, but I believe I do now. Thank you for looking out for my best interest, Helen."

"Think nothing of it, Sweetie. Sisters, do for each other. As you have done for me, I do for you, as around the circle our love flows."

We kinda hugged. It wasn't like an ordinary hug with the pressing together closeness of feeling another person's heart beat with yours. Instead it was closeness spiritually, where I felt her spiritual presence just as strongly as I would have felt her physical presence in an ordinary hug.

One thing was the same. I felt really loved. That love expanded as Momma joined us in a group metaphysical hug. I felt that 'power of three' and then I put to rest any doubts that anything would truly separate us from each other. Somehow I just knew that when Helen went beyond the veil, in some way she would be with us still.

"One thing that you are right about, young lady, is that physically now you are a child and will be one for the foreseeable future. Your body needs much more sleep, especially after a day as trying as this and even more as you start turning into the woman that you will grow up to be."

"It's bedtime for you now, Munchkin. Please be a good girl and take your bath, then get dressed for bed."

"Momma, will you tuck me in and tell me a bedtime story?"

"I thought that you were a big girl now, and you didn't need a bedtime story anymore?"

"Awww Momma. Just this once. I've had a busy day."

"That you have, Munchkin. Okay, if you are a good girl, and are ready for bed when I go up to check on you, then I will tell you a story. Which one would you like to hear?"

"I'd like to hear the one about every little girl being a princess,Momma."

She rolled her eyes at me. "I might have known. As you wish, Munchkin."

Helen and Michelle watched me go upstairs to my room before Helen could minister to Michelle's needs as she had to mine. Not only had she lost her sister, but she had become an instant Momma at the same time. I imagined that Michelle had the same memories that I had of what had gone before, yet trusting herself to be the person that she had experienced was just about as alien to her as my becoming a twelve year old girl.

At least I had gone through some kind of childhood before, but she had nothing from her other life to prepare her for this leap. I owed Michelle even more than Helen, since she would now have a lifetime of being my Mother. Of course, I hoped that on the whole I would be a good person and that would be a good experience for Michelle.

The three of us could look forward to life experiences that would challenge us. Each of us now had a new life passed to us and it was up to each of us what we did with that life.

'Oh goodness! I really am going to have to be a good girl if I am going to get that bedtime story. Somehow, I don't feel like I will feel weird by what I would see in the bath tub since I've now also been a girl from birth.'

I was on the cusp of becoming a young woman, but I would have a lifetime to discover that part of me. For now, I would get a brief respite from the adult life that I would eventually take up again, and enjoy some little girl pleasures, like that story.

I loved that story because I imagined it first, and told it to Helen in that other life as Marcus when the pain was bad and the medications were not quite working. It soothed both of us then and I hoped that it would soothe the three of us tonight. All of us needed soothing as we approached that undiscovered country of the future.