This particular patron seemed to be somewhat familiar with the practice. She was unfamiliar to me but seemed generally familiar with divination of other types. She was not surprised by the tradition of palm crossing and was quite generous. As much as she seemed to be seeking a particular answer she still asked for a general reading.

"What brings you to my table today?" I asked as I started the assessment I normally take when accepting a new patron.

"I've never had tarot read for me before." She seemed curious. "I've been to seances and crystal ball readings. I've had my chart done. But Tarot is new to me."

She was tall for a woman but not surprisingly tall. She had longish hair that might have been blond once but now was mostly gray. It was well kept in a french braid wound into a bun at the back of her head.

She wore a dark blue silk turtle neck under a long natural wool tunic sweater. Leggings and warm boots below. It was a chilly fall day after all.

She was wearing a number of smart pieces of jewelry. I saw most of it was sterling silver. Two pieces were good quality Navajo turquoise. Probably hand wrought but in modern style. A squash blossom necklace and a concho belt riding lightly on her lovely hips below a trim waist line.

Here in Durango Colorado her outfit was totally in keeping with the harvest festival crafts fair. Like usual these fairs are weekend things. It was late Sunday afternoon. She'd be my last patron of the last day.

She seemed like she might once have been some rich man's prize wife. Now grown to regal maturity. Maybe a ranchers widow. Living off his hard work. She was five feet eight inches tall by the scale on my tent door and I'm guessing about 136 pounds.

Anglo, healthy, well turned out, a bit eclectic, Quite attractive. And she passed a large contribution across my palm when I invited her into my tent.

I got more than a little tingle looking at her. Her water blue eyes pierced my heart. Still, She was a patron. She was here for divination not dalliance.

"Would you like tea?" I offered with a wave as I guided her to my little square camp table.

She sat with practiced elegance. Her motions like those of a dancer. Hanging he scarf and gloves on the chair back. Then she sat gracefully on the edge of the chair.

I suspect she knew her effect on me. I was enthralled.

"That would be lovely." She said while taking in her surrounds. "My goodness." She exclaimed. "This is a surprisingly quaint space you have created in here." Taking in the tent with a wave of her hand.

I could not help but glow a bit. I was proud of my effort. Presentation and perception is the better part of my service.

My custom tent had a pentagonal floor plan, about 10 feet in diameter. I was shooting for a medieval campaign tent feel but the materials were all modern. Inside I draped large colorful scarves as decoration over the midnight blue interior.

I find aroma therapy helps create an atmosphere too. I used Lavender, cinnamon, cucumber, and a note of roast garlic. Mostly the scent pleases me but the patrons did not seem to mind.

I was using some new adjustable LED string lights now. They gave a "perfect hour" sunlight tone to the space and canceled out most of the shadows. The light was bright enough for my work but still lending a bit of mystery to the space.

"Let's chat a bit while we wait for the tea." I offered.

My patron nodded her head as I sat.

I assumed that since she had accepted tea she would welcome 20 minute reading. Tea and the full Celtic lay.

"My name is Olive. What shall I call you?" Start out with a simple question. Then go on from there.

"My friends call me Danielle." She said.

"Danielle. That's such a lovely name?"

Danielle makes a small smile. "I've grown to like it." She says. I filed that away.

"Are you familiar with tarot?" I inquired.

"Not too much." Danielle admitted.

I handed her the deck we were going to use. "Take a look at these." It happened to be my Aquarius deck.

I busied my self with the tea set while she looked through the deck.

"Tell me a bit about your self." I invited.

"Well there is not much to tell." She started absently. "My husband is out there somewhere. He came to town with me today. There is always something needed on the ranch. I have a small shop here in town. Just over there. On the corner? We have a few of the local crafters, artists and jewelers. The best items in the southwest I always say. You should stop by. I'm sure we have something you would love."

"I'd love to. I might be able to find some time tomorrow." I had no actual intention to. I was driving on to a fair near Vail tomorrow.

"With the kids grown and on their own it's kinda lonely rolling around in the big old ranch house by myself." She admitted.

I had put the tea pot on the table wrapped in a knit cozie and opened a small tin of short bread. A breeze blew up outside and rattled the tent a bit. I stacked two mismatched china cups and saucers in the table too.

"Please go on." I indicated.

"Where was I? Oh, that's all I'm afraid. There is not much else to tell."

"Thank you. Do you have any questions for me?" I did not really give her time to ask anything.

"Lets start with a single question reading. A simple one. Since I'm asking the question you can fan the cards to me and I'll pull one out."

She did a pretty good job fanning the cards. Of course this deck is thicker and the cards are all larger than normal bridge decks.

I pulled out one. "Ah! The two of coins. In a bridge deck that would be diamonds. This card usually means patience. Since I had the tea in mind I suspect that the cards are telling us that the tea is not quite ready." I gave my best Mona Lisa smile.

Danielle smiled too.

"You said your kids are grown?"

"Yes. Trevor is in San Francisco. He's done so well for himself. Princeton! Can you imagine? He's at one of those giant tech companies. I can never remember which one.

"Annie takes after me I guess. A bit of a wanderer. We still have hope that she will find a path soon. She brought a girlfriend over last Christmas. Lovely girl. That kind of thing was a surprise for Roger. Of course Annie has always been full of surprises. They moved to Portland a while ago."

I poured out the tea. I love the aroma of good black tea. But my patrons typically like tea somewhat weak.

"Do you take milk or sugar?" I asked.

"I shouldn't. I'll have one lump of sugar."

"I have some of those horrible diet packets around here somewhere."

"No. A little sugar will be nice."

I handed her the cup. "Cheers." Then set the sugar holder in her easy reach.

Milk in my tea and then I settled in to reading mode. A sip of tea. A mysterious gaze into my patron's eyes. Wait for her to notice then wait for her to look away.

"Now Danielle. I have to ask two serious questions before we start. And two warnings."

She nodded, a bit concerned.

"We will be doing a Celtic lay today. I don't normally do that one but your generosity inspires me to return for your favor. And it gives us time time to finish our tea.

"Once we begin the cards will be fixed. While we cannot change what the cards reveal we may change ourselves. Shall we proceed?"

"What If I say 'no'?" she posed.

"We will enjoy our tea. Chat a bit more and maybe deepen our friendship."

"I think I want to continue." she asserted.

"You must answer absolutely. Yes or no. Shall we continue?"

"Yes."

"Here is the second warning. The cards are always correct. I, however, am but a fallible instrument. Knowing this do you still wish to continue?"

"Yes."

"This is the Celtic lay. While the pattern goes back to ancient Egypt and comes to us through the Romans and the central Europeans. If you have any questions or comments it is best if you voice them right away. I may answer if I can or I may continue the lay. Often the cards will answer your question without my help. Are you ready?"

"There are ten cards in this lay.This first card is you. Where you are now."

I turned the first card.

"This is the Seven of Rods. This card signifies working your will in the world. You see a man standing and guarding with his own rod against others unnamed. It represents success and high regard from your peers."

"What suit are 'rods'?" Danielle asked.

"They are what we call clubs in bridge decks."

"This next card represents what challenges you."

-O-

I will not bore you with details of all ten cards. That's Olive's thing.

As spiritual, metaphysical practices go Tarot is pretty benign, really. Crossing palms. Ancient mysticism. Some true history. Some of it made up. In that sense it is much like psychotherapy but with a mystical wrapper rather than a "scientifical" one.

OK I won't go into my issues with psychotherapy. Suffice it to say I'm not a fan.

I was a scientist before I messed my life up. Well, I worked IT in a genetics lab. I did not even have a bachelor's degree. But I got my name on a few research papers.

If Olive was telling this story she might tell it different. She's much more spiritual than me. If I let Olive tell this part we'd be here all night.

When I started to liberate Olive she instantly fell into the metaphysical stuff. She read lots of background materials on tarot and astrology and numerology and the other related disciplines. While there are a lot of mathematical underpinnings and symbolic manipulation, in the end it was still just made up magical thinking, tradition and cold reading.

It's still a fun game I suppose. I get a kick out of watching her patrons. Most enjoy it and are not harmed much. And I don't think I'd make it without what Olive can contribute. She often contributes more than I do. So we have this partnership. It works for us.

While I'm at the fair I remain Olive as much as possible. She gets maybe a few hundred cash for the day. Together with my social security check it keeps my van on the road and gets her a hotel room once per week or so. Olive does not make many demands but hygiene is one of them.

Let me check on the girls. I'll be back.

-O-

"The seventh card is a suggested approach." I placed the card on the lower right corner of the table.

"This is the hanged man. It is another of the major arkana. Its usually indicates a need for help from others. In this position it indicates that you will want to seek council with a key issue."

-O-

Danielle and Olive are getting along fine without us for a few minutes more. Let me continue. It might help clarify some things if I explain.

I think I need to tell you tell you about Olive. I want to tell you her story.

It's not like I chose this life exactly. Maybe it was Olive who did. It's not like I grew up as a traveler. Or that I have Roma heritage. I just kinda fell into it through a series of bad choices, misunderstandings and accidents. I think I might be dead by now if not for Olive. But she has not always been a positive.

More than forty years after discovering I was some kind of TG freak I finally admitted to myself that it was not going away. I mean I had acted out on my desire to cross dress. I had been sneaking and hiding for all of those years. I was sick of it.

I had "the conversation" with my wife.

We had been married for thirty years. Kids grown and gone. I was almost sixty and I still had desires to play dress up. I finally decided to get more serious about trying to do it. And I wanted help. I was hoping for her help. For my wife's help.

After she stopped laughing she admitted that she knew about my "hobby". She wanted me to quit doing it. She said I must want to stop since I had not done anything about it for decades. She insisted that if I was still sneaking around after this long then there must be something wrong with me. I'd need help. I needed help stopping this.

You can imagine how this hit me.

I went to doctors she suggested and psychiatrists and quacks. All of whom agreed that there was really nothing wrong with me. Cross dressing was uncommon but it is not an illness. If I did not want to quit on my own there was no treatment that would make me quit. That was not what my wife wanted to hear. She said I was being uncooperative. She said I was not doing my part.

Eventually the stress and conflict got so deep between us. As a result I had an episode. I got put on a 10 day lock down in a clinic where the doors locked from the outside. No one came for me on the tenth day. They let me out on the twelfth day.

I found my house had been sold. All my credit cards canceled and my bank accounts empty except for one old money market account that had a few thousand in it. There was also a key for a self storage locker. All the savings and retirement planning we had done together was gone like smoke.

I got served with divorce papers and appeared in court 30 days later to find out that I could not afford a lawyer of my own. Apparently I had tried to assault a cop while wearing a very flouncy evening gown and work boots. From the video evidence it looked as bad as you might expect.

I only heard from my wife through her lawyer. Apparently there was a restraining order. Apparently there were charges. I never heard from her again. At the time I had no idea was up with my kids and no way to contact them. I got parole and housing assistance.

Water under the bridge and all that I guess. Time to move on. I had subsidized housing, A court appointed councilor, addiction anonymous meetings every week and a job cleaning bed pans at a state run nursing home. I lost fifty pounds on my steady diet of guilt and government cheese.

About three years later I got a letter from my son saying my wife had passed. That came as a shock. We are both young. Both in our sixties. He was executor of her estate. Her will still had a provision for me. Some personal effects and an my 401K.

"Hi dad." I broke down crying at the sound of his voice.

"Listen, I need an account number for the funds transfer."

"I'll text it to you." Was all I could get out.

That was the last I herd from him. More water under that damn bridge.

-O-

I was sixty five. I tried to go back to my IT work but no one would hire an old sex offender. I bought a van. I filed for my social security payment and medicare. I moved into the van and got the hell out of Dodge. Literally. I was living in Dodge City, Kansas.

Now I found a new rut to live in. Drive and camp and scrimp and save and drive some more.

"Dad? It's me, um Joe." It was a text from my daughter, um, other son now I guess.

She (damn it) He was called Joe now. One more thing to stress over. Selfish asshole that I am.

"How are you?" I texted back.

"I want to talk" she/he asked. I have to fix that in my head.

Oh no. This was going to be hard. I'm sure.

"Sure." I texted back.

"Let's meet at a coffee shop,"

"Sure. Which one?" I had no idea where he was and it seemed like there was a Starbucks every thousand feet or so.

"I see you are in Portland. So am I." Apparently I had some location feature on my phone. I'd have to figure that out.

"I'll text you an address. Text me when you are there."

I spent the next fortnight with my son, Joe and his wife. They are great people. They are getting on well. Joe is finally getting recognized for his writing. His wife, Annie, works for the transit district. Joe had done several stories for local city papers. A couple got picked by the wires. Recognition and compensation was growing.

"Look Dad. We know why mom divorced you." Annie said. Annie called me "dad". My eyes started to fill. Apparently she had gotten close to my wife before she passed. Joe and Annie had been care providers for her in the end.

We talked it all out. No one rejected anyone. Annie knew about a service there in Portland that could give me a makeup test. Just to see if finally, after all this time, I wanted to see what the female me might look like. In the end we booked an appointment.

The result of that was Olive. She is a force of nature. She would not let me lock her up again.

Olive is much more spiritual than I am. When I was a kid and breaking away from my strict Lutheran up bringing I bought a deck of tarot cards at a magic shop and played at doing readings. Now after I decided to let Olive out she started studying tarot seriously.

She started doing readings in bars. Got us kicked out of a city square for illegal busking.

She attended one local spiritual fair and apparently found her calling. She got patrons easily and $500 in one day. I was hooked.

It was almost as if Olive actually believes the stuff. I'm not quite sure how it works for Olive to be so different than me. I mean I'm right there doing all the things she does. I'm the one doing them. But it's her doing them. It does not make sense to me either. But so far I'm not some kind of mass murderer so. Live with it I guess?

Joe and Annie are happy to see me once in a while now. I try to get up to Portland every year. There are a couple fairs there that make it worth my while. Olive and Annie are close. I get kinda bored by their conversation. I wish that Joe and I could go to the bar while they are chatting but it's kinda a one or the other thing and Olive wants girl time I guess.

My other son is in Wichita. I've called and left texts. So far no response since that will thing.

I finally found out what took my wife. Annie told me. She had cancer, She had it when we were still together. She knew she had it. She was being stoic about it. Denialist about it. Hiding it. Not taking care of it. Taking care of me and our house instead. In her mind I had to be me. I was selfish to want to be someone else. She could not loose me. I was trying to escape my responsibilities and I would abandon her. If I loved her I would stop that silliness.

If I had understood I might have done things differently. In the end cancer metastasized and took her. I understand it was painful. She was in a facility near Joe. He and Annie were with her till the end.

If I got one wish it would be that I had been able to read more between the lines back then. I might have been able to keep Olive locked up for a few more years. Looking back now I could see where I was too selfish to see her pain. How I seemed selfish to her for me wanting to play this dress up game that she saw as a serious threat and dangerous.

People are messed up and delusional. Once in a while we get a glimpse. More fucking water under that damn bridge.

I never stopped loving my wife. Or maybe I learned to lover her all over again. My kids gave me some her stuff that they has saved. I had her engagement ring re-sized to fit my big fat finger. Olive always wears both my wedding band and her engagement ring.

That part of the story came out on the last night with Joe and Annie before I headed south.

Annie told that story to Olive. Olive is much tougher than I am. If it had been me sitting there I might have broken down. As it was Olive was holding Joe's hand as Annie told the story. At my wife's rejection and eventual acceptance of Joe. Nearly breaking down herself Olive held a stiff upper lip while I watched from behind her eyes. She would let me process this after we got back on the road. I was learning how deep her well of strength went. That was one of the few times that Olive drove the van. I almost did not come back that day. It was easier to see the world though Olive's eyes. But she told me I had to take it like a man. It was another episode I guess. In a dry camp for three days. I'm telling the story so I guess you can see how it cam out.

-O-

"Are you still here?" Danielle looked at me with a worried expression.

I shook my self back to the present.

"I'm sorry about that. I was years away."

I noticed the complete Celtic Cross lay between us. It was time for the summation of the reading.

"Looking over the whole lay it seems that we see a forward looking set of ambitions and goals. Lots of rods means lots of work. A few coins in auspicious places indicates that wealth is available. Also cups where it matters most. That hanged man in that position does worry me. Watch out for some big change soon. But the Strength card in the position of your strengths is auspicious. It means you can handle what is coming."

I touched each card as I talked.

"We see your past success and the work needed to preserve it. This also hints at taking time and patience maybe seeking sound council on this specific family issue."

"You are not sound council?" She asked.

"I am a weak instrument and we just met. I'll happily do another reading with you but I'm not an expert in any other fields. I've done my best to interpret what the cards reveal. Even if my results were perfect they only reflect what we both brought into the reading. Do you have any other questions?"

Danielle looked like she was deep in thought.

"I have very much loved our time together." I admitted. "I'll welcome you to come back again any time. I try to visit Durango every year."

"I loved the tea and the conversation." Danielle opined. "Your reading was spot on in most areas. But I have a confession to make. I have to admit that I know you. Or rather I knew Chris."

"Danielle!" I exclaimed. "I don't understand. You know Chris?"

"It's true." She continued. "I knew Chris years ago. We were friends for a while. We were in school. I don't know anything about these cards, Olive, but I do know about you. You need learn to be more honest with yourself. Then you can be more honest with Chris and with everyone else.

I looked at Danielle with my mouth agape. Chris knew her? They went to school together?

"I look forward to seeing you again sometime. And please don't wait too long. You and I are running out of time."

Danielle stood and walked out of the tent. I sat there just agog. What just happened. Who was Danielle?

I got up and stepped outside to look around. The evening had cooled ant it was well into twilight. My night vision was not so good these days and Olive tended to skip her glasses when she is working.

I pulled my shawl around my shoulders for warmth.

I looked up and down the isle. Danielle was no where to be seen.