4-20

Twilight... The last glimpses of the Sun's glow, the stars begin to shine, and what there is of the Moon, twinkles into being. A cool breeze toys with the few remaining leaves that survived the Winter's cold, drifting in swirling eddies of the gentle breeze. In the stillness of this moment, a few brave crickets chirruped, adding their claim to existence....

Absently, my fingers move, to tame a few unruly strands of my blatantly red locks; freeing then from the gloss on my lips and from being tangled in my eyelashes; tossing them to join their kin over my shoulder, midst a jumbled mass of curls reaching the small of my back.

At the behest of the breeze, the gossamer layers of silk laying free around my legs danced, brushing against the various layers of femininity encasing my form. Scant protection from the textures of the concrete bench upon which I sat.

The view from my perch, high up the side of Mount Charleston, looking out over the insane glitter of Las Vegas, breathtaking. The heat waves rising, adding to the flutter of a million lights... it could have been, should have been, wondrous.

But it wasn't.

There was one thing missing from such a marvelous moment... Them.

We had been together for neigh on three decades. She had known my secret before then even, we married, conceived a child together, and the world turned to hell. Her health was failing, the costs were enormous! My earnings didn't even make a dent in the growing mountain of debt, let alone allow me to show the world the person I had always been on the inside.

For months we discussed our options. Every path we explored led to one final solution: we would get divorced and the State would cover the costs I couldn't. Even after the paperwork was filed, we shared a roof together. It was then that the world tossed in a wrench, a major collapse in the economy stranded us, work became sporadic, simply keeping a roof and food on the table... it became a prison for us both. With no options we went our separate ways.

She was fortunate enough to find someone that promised to care for her. I hope you never have to feel the despair, the depression, the loss of self worth I felt, even though I was glad she was safe. They were married five months later, he lost his job and they went on assistance, and then he disappeared; ran away without a divorce, with no support for her. I wasn't in any better shape myself, couch surfing, pandering my skills for a tenth their value, just to eat.

Battling my own situation, we lost touch. It took years to get back on my feet, longer yet to pursue my own needs, starting and having to put myself back in the closet over and over.

I received an email... from her little brother, whom we had taken in when false accusations had ruined his life. We had helped him get back on top of his game. So, I suppose it was only just that he was the one to give me the news...

She was GONE, GOD had taken her home. Even now, so many years later, just the thought brings tears to my eyes and an ache inside I can't describe in words....

Before she died, I was graced by the Universe, finding a cousin I had no idea existed, by pure circumstance. We went into business together, well..tried starting a business together. For six years we struggled to get it off the ground; and he knew who I was. He helped me to show myself to the world. God took him too, and that memory brings me more tears.

I have no idea where HER remains are, but HIS are exactly where he asked me to put them. His birthday was yesterday, so I dressed as he helped me to become, myself... and climbed to the place where he sleeps... and watched the sun set.

All I know today, is that GOD better have a really really good reason for making me wait to see them again.

I hope HE does.