Chatting with Angels

Chapter Two ~ Bernadette

Written by Jo Dora Webster

Would Bernadette be prepared for the news that Kathy had an angel visit about her friend Monty?

Chapter Two ~ Bernadette

It was ironic that on the same morning following the angel visiting Kathy in her dream that I was engaged in making my ‘Never’ list. For me it was all the reasons not to transition fully since every time I had made a move in that direction, I had been slammed down. It started with the statement:

It would not be wise for me to transition fully because I would:

• Never get my Daddy to be proud of me as his daughter.
• Never be able to walk in high heels without wobbling
• Never get my Momma to believe I’m not mentally ill
• Never get my hair to grow out long enough for a girl’s cut and always wearing a wig.
• Never get my youngest brother quit promising his favor and withdrawing it even when I met his conditions
• Never be able to find a cosmetic to cover my dark beard shadow
• Never get my other brother to understand that agree to disagree doesn’t work when its about identity
• Never find a pretty long sleeve dress with sleeves long enough to fit me.
• Never have one of my cousins reach out to me in love me even being trans.
• Never be able to apply my makeup in less than 2 hours for me to be presentable.
• Never have an aunt to see me presenting as a female and want to have her picture taken with me.
• Never have pretty thin girly arms instead of ugly hairy muscular arms
• Never have started a family of choice with new sisters on the same journey as I with only death being able to part us.
• Never have my blah male perpetually slicked down hair making it appear a mousy brown dyed a bright red
• Never be able to avoid being disavowed completely by my immediate birth family
• Never be able to train my deep bass voice to sound like a real girl’s voice
• Never have the courage to be my true self in front of my friends
• Never be able to sing like a woman for my self to hear.
• Never be able to go to any type of church as my true self.
• Never be able to sing as a woman in a group.
• Never have my ugly hairy masculine feet be pretty smooth, rounded and feminine
• Never get to sing in a choir in the alto section and accepted.
• Never get the muscular bulge from my shoulders and have nice rounded ones which actually might need shoulder padding to look good in a skirt suit or dress.
• Never get to sing a solo performance in church as a woman.
• Never get nice rounded b cup breasts to grow on a feminine chest.
• Never get asked out by a man on a date
• Never get a nice rounded tushy and rounded hips
• Never get a heart shaped box of candy on valentines
• Never get all my beard removed and get rid of the beard shadow
• Never get to be the princess in make believe and have frogs turned into princes with my kiss.
• Never get to be confident passing with no makeup at all with my face being like any other woman’s
• Never get to fly on a airliner to a family gathering hundreds of miles from home
• Never learn to relax and walk naturally as a woman with women and fit in,
• Never get past being told that The One hated me to look at the bible for myself
• Never once growing my hair down to shoulder length in a girl’s cut be willing to get it cut into a short girl’s cut for charity and to help a friend,
• Never know from the depth of my soul that The One loves me just as I am as the child of The One.
• Never be able to have friends to accept me if I always appeared as a woman with them.
• Never get a man to love me and take me as his steady girlfriend.
• Never have friends who could not tell by looking at me for my past and needing to reveal to them who I had lived as before.
• Never have the courage to start counseling and hormones.
• Never have the courage to change my name legally and successfully transition on the job.
• Never complete my one year RLT and be eligible for SRS
• Never have the money or insurance to complete my SRS

Wow! As I looked back over it that was quite a list. I totally realized that I had a lot listed to hold me back from trying to be my true self. But a flash of insight let me know that it was possible for me to transition if this became my “I’ll transition even if I never …” list!

Kathy told me about how she woke the next morning with a start glancing at the clock on her nightstand to reveal that it was only 6 AM. She picked up the remote to turn on her TV and change it to the weather channel. It was Saturday morning. She marveled that such a supernatural experience could have happened in the space of a single night and there still be time for her to have received one of the best nights sleeping of her life.

Kathy dressed for the day in her traditional sweats for the cooler months for staying around the house. She brushed her fiery auburn hair full of natural curls into submission. While she knew how to be stylish when it called for it, away from work she dressed for comfort.

She was a ground breaking business woman who ascended to the pinnacle of her industry well before the old boys network had been broken. The glass ceiling was so thick that it seemed impossible to break. While it had taken her being 10 times as good as any man better, even that didn't seem to be a full use of her abilities. She balanced business and a full set of social engagements.

The only chink in her presentation came because she had to use very expensive alternatives to cosmetics due to numerous allergies. She came to prefer the fresh face look if at all possible. She was used to being a role model for numerous women. The prospect of being a role model and mentor to the one person who she thought would break her jinx of being left at the alter was a bit much to take.

Kathy told me how she wondered if she would ever get used to knowing things that most others don't know. She reflected that she's been trusted to being the holder of prophesies and also to act at the proper time concerning people close to her. She sometimes had to be careful of using her knowledge for fear of interfering in the normal course of things and worse yet causing a paradox. Fortunately her interest in Science Fiction had done much to prepare her for her tasks.

It amazed her that she had not freaked out as she should have done having been witness to such a supernatural revelation. She reasoned that the Angels had a calming influence on the person receiving the message or else the message would be lost in the enormity of it. Another lasting influence appeared to give the listener the serenity to digest the message in little pieces as they were ready, instead of being overwhelmed by everything at once.

Kathy told me how she summed things up, "A promise is a promise! And I promised Bernie that anytime I received an angelic visitation that she'd get a full report. I'm lucky that she's my best friend and knows how to keep a secret."

Bernadette lived on the other side of Atlanta and was a member of the USS MacLeod. In fact it had been Bernie who had convinced her to become the ship's captain when Kathy's cousin Gail had stepped down due to health reasons. It had become their tradition to spend early Saturday Morning on the phone.

Bernadette has an angelic quality to how she was perceived in her ordinary life. She taught school to special needs children. Those children were so lucky to have her because she poured all that she was into teaching them. Bernie was also a devout Catholic who had never had any angelic visitations that she knew of but was always eager to hear about Kathy's experiences.

Kathy told me how she prepared coffee and a Danish and got comfy in the living room throwing her coverlet over herself. She picked up the cordless phone and headset and dialed Bernie's number automatically. Kathy picked up her beading tray and jewelry pliers to continue making the bead and wire necklace that she had started.

"Hi Kathy, How are you this morning? Did you sleep well?" Bernie looked over to her 'child' to make sure that she wasn't getting into too much trouble.

"Hi Bernie, I had just about the best sleep in my life. I guess its compensation for my life being turned upside down." Kathy hoped that Bernie was ready for what was to come.

"Kathy, What's wrong sweetie? Do you need me to come over? Did an angel visit you last night?" Bernie knew that the answer to her last question was a resounding, Yes!

"Bernie, I feel more alright than I should but now I just need to talk. Maybe you could come over later? Kathy was more composed now and did not want to overly upset her friend.

"Sure Kathy, we can talk now. You didn't have a chance to answer my last question... was I right?" Bernie smiled. She enjoyed directness and getting right to the matter at hand.

"Yes Bernie, an Angel came to see me. You have to swear to keep this secret." Sarah had confidence that Bernie would keep it secret even though this is going to be the most difficult secret she had entrusted to her.

"Always Kathy, but you know that so it must involve someone close to us. I swear to keep it secret." Bernie was filled with anticipation hoping that Kathy would tell her already. Bernie observed that she may have to drag it out of her. She hoped that maybe a little humor would help.

"There is a lot that I haven't processed yet, but I can give you the jest of it. It was about Monty." Kathy felt triumphant that she'd said Monty's name. Sarah questioned if she was going to have the courage to share the rest.

"You told me that you were in love with Monty, That he was always a perfect gentleman and the first guy who never ever even glanced at your boobs. As big as they are, girl, that is a miracle!"

They giggled together as Kathy replied, "Don't I know it!" Sarah appreciated Bernie lightening the mood with some humor. She realized that was just what she needed.

"You found out that he is trainable since your were able to use your feminine wiles to make it more fun for him to do what you wanted only he would have done it without your extra influence."

"I have to keep in practice to uphold the traditions of us southern belles. I'm glad that its not necessary in Monty's case." Kathy was putting the necklace together by connecting the wire links that ran through each bead. It helped her to keep her hands busy.

"In some ways you said that he was too good to be true. When he showed his soul, you said that it was beautiful in every way but that he appeared to be hiding something and that seemed to make seeing his soul difficult. So did the angel tell you what Monty is hiding?" Bernie was frustrated and wanted Kathy to give up the rest. She hoped that she would not be kept in suspense much longer.

"Let's just say that Andy won't break my jinx from having three men leave me at the alter." Kathy saw from the look in Bernie's eyes that she was still clueless from her attempt to break the news to her easy. Kathy resolved that she was going to have to just come right out and say it.

"So give, Lady, Why wont marriage work for you two? What's he hiding?" Bernie hoped that she would go ahead and answer already! She wondered how many times would she have to ask. Bernie was clearly frustrated with the word games at this point in their conversation,

"Monty is really a woman, a transsexual." Sarah's face showed the relief that she felt from finally saying it.

"Are you sure? He doesn't seem to act that feminine around us." Bernie considered that on the other hand that would clarify exactly what was going on with Monty.

"That's the macho façade that we perceive that isn't true. The one that he has erected to shelter himself from the verbal abuse his parents gave him when he finally confided in his parents as a child." She used the pliers to turn the wire hook that she had inserted in the other bead wire's eye into an eye of its own and completed another link of the necklace.

”Poor dear, doesn't he know that we are truly his friends and that he can drop it around us?” Bernie knew that she really wanted to help. She admitted to herself that this is going to be a tough secret to keep but that she would keep it.

“He's been faking it for so long that he believes that its simply a footnote in his past that is no longer relevant to his life so he wouldn't be comfortable dropping his façade even among friends.”

Kathy put down the necklace and got up and began to pace. Monty mentally exclaimed, 'Thank goodness for cord free phones!’

“I guess the perfect man is a myth. Here we thought that we had found one and he turns out to be one of the girls.”

Bernie wondered what this was going to do to Sarah. Bernie was quite flustered on how to deal with it, herself.

“I don't think that even if I found a perfect man that he would keep that halo for long hanging around me.”

Kathy giggled and was glad that Bernie always knew what to say to make her feel better.

“Well you know that I'm cool with Monty what ever he wants to do.”

Bernie took solace that Monty knows that she has a couple of transsexuals in her family so the news about Monty isn't totally shocking for her.

“How are those twin cousins of yours who both turned out to be transmen?”

Kathy straightened the wooden plaque hanging on the wall with a wood burning of the USS Voyager that she had been taking to Sci-Fi conventions to have signed.

“Their transition is going well since I and a number of family members have completely accepted them.” Bernie suddenly realized with alarm that Monty's parents did not sound like the type to be supportive.

"It looks like Monty is going to need all the friends that he can get. From the sounds of his parents, they don't seem like the type to be all that supportive.” Kathy had confidence that she could count on Bernie's help when the time comes for both her and Monty.

“So what do we do about this?” Bernadette turned to her large pet cat who demanded her attention and always got what she wanted from Bernie.

“We do nothing until Monty makes this public himself. The one thing that I processed is that it is essential for Monty to come forward himself when he is ready.” She walked into the kitchen and selected a mug from the wall on the left that were covered with them from top to bottom so she could make a cup of tea.

“So we just bide our time and wait. We just keep treating Monty as the man he appears to be.” Upon receiving the proper offering, Bernie's cat was satisfied and turned away on her next mission of great importance.

“Yes.” replied Kathy with a sigh considering that this was not going to be an easy prophecy but it would be a labor of love.

“Isn't that going to be difficult for you since Monty has made no secret that he admires you and would like to be closer to you?”

Bernie could hear the exclamation from the Lost in Space robot in her mind, “Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!”

“Maybe Monty is subconsciously looking for a role model for when he begins his new life. In any case, I'll have to use restraint so that we are just platonic.” Kathy observed that Monty may not read her restraint as an act of love and feel frustration instead.

“That should be easy since he's such a gentleman. That certainly will put a crimp in your social life to have Monty around all the time." Bernie reflected that all the nice guys will assume Kathy is taken when a hunk like Monty is around. Bernie wasn't really ready to think of Monty as just a girlfriend, yet.

“That's true and that is something that I'll have to deal with without hurting Monty's feelings if this goes on for a long time before Monty comes out. The cup with the tea bag brewing inside it was ready to come out of the microwave with a ding.

“Are you sure that Monty will come out?” Bernie remembered that the twins had a crisis before they came out when they were considering suicide and that made the family realize how serious this was to them.

“The angel told me that Monty will be challenged by a crisis. Then he will either face the truth or be subjected to some dire consequence.”

Kathy resolved that she felt it was part of her mission to make sure Monti survived her crisis. She remembered that at that point it would be Monti from then on.

“Hopefully, we'll be able to show Monty that we'll support his decision and be the friends he'll need.” Bernie hoped that she would be able to get Kathy through the experience as well.

“I'll be watching him closely and we'll be able to help him when the time comes.” Kathy removed the teabag from the mug and began to sip the tea.

”Monty came to the right place since we are the 'Wackiest Ship in the Fleet'! Nothing fazes us much.” Bernie glanced at the clock. She had that school function to attend and she had to get ready for it.

”Guess I'll let you get on with your day. I feel so much better that I think I'm back to normal... almost. Thanks so much for letting me share with you! Bye Bernie!” Kathy was really thankful to have Bernie as her friend.

"Let me know if you need me to come over later. Bye Kathy!" Bernie thought, "And so it begins. Hope I will be ready. Now I have to get ready! Bernie left her chair and went into the bedroom with her cat trailing behind her.

As she hung up the phone, Kathy thought, "I guess all that there is left to do is to bide my time until the other shoe falls. I hope that I will be ready."

Kathy turned on her computer. She had found that it was always a good idea to check it after Monty had been tinkering with it to make sure that every thing was still alright. It came on and Kathy put it thru it's paces. Every thing seemed to be working perfectly! She was glad because even though the conversation with Bernie had helped, there were still things that she had to process from her chat with Della. She hoped that she will have sorted most of this out before the next time Monty spent an extended amount of time alone with her. She smiled and patted her computer monitor lovingly. "And my baby makes three!" she told her computer.

Ring! Ring! Kathy picked up the call fortunately not having removed the headset yet. ”Hello! This is Kathy.” Kathy wondered who could this be? She also wondered if Monty's ears could be burning?

“Hi, It’s Monty. How are you and your computer doing today?” I hoped that my work would hold since Sarah's computer seemed to break down when she needed it the most.

“Hi Monty! We both are doing fine. I turned him on and put him thru his paces and he performed beyond my expectations. You did a wonderful job, Monty. Thanks so much for the help!” Somehow she felt a sense of peace engulf her being. God was going to give her what she needed for this.

“I'm glad everything is OK with your baby. I had the day cleared just in case I had missed something and you still had problems.” I sighed with relief that I had gotten it right.

“No problems here! I know you love spending Saturdays playing with your niece. I won't need to take you away from her, even though you know I love to have you around. Since I won't have to baby-sit, I've got some errands that I need to run.” Kathy reflected that she had a feeling that her computer would be fine for a while so she could adjust to what she needed to be to Monty. Kathy resolved to not tempt fate and ask him to upgrade anything for a while.

“Jessica, my niece, is going through a phase where her anxieties and emotions seem huge to her. I have no clue about what she's going through. I'm supportive and help her to see that even though her emotions are real that the conclusions she's drawing about them may not be.” I wondered if it had anything to do with Jessica entering puberty.

“That's exactly what she needs right now. She's lucky to have you for an uncle!” Kathy observed with amusement that there would come a time when Monti won't be clueless when she has the experience, herself.

“Well I'd better let you get to your day and me to mine. Bye, Kathy.” I went to find what my niece was doing.

“Bye, Andy.” She hung up the phone and removed the headset. Sarah thought, "I guess I had best get out on my errands before the phone rings again! She changed into a blouse and slacks and brushed out her hair. She picked up her purse and car keys. Kathy was relieved to know that she would have help dealing with the prophecy now.

I found that Jessica was eager to come visit in my room. We loved to role-play together with each of us taking on characters from our imagination. Sometimes it fit better with the situation that they were role playing if I took on a extra female character.

Jessica never seemed to mind and in fact she thought that her uncle was 'cool' that he spent so much time with her. It amused Jessica even more that I would use a feminine voice when playing a feminine character to keep her different from my other character.

Jessica was the only one in the family that I would let my guard down around. The woman within myself had been repressed so much and thoughts of revealing her were consumed with guilt. I truly believed that Monti could be kept locked away in a quiet corner of my brain never to see the light of day. Monti crept out thru the cracks but only in other ways since she would not be allowed to wear a dress even now.

I started to recall the one person in this life who brought real joy to my heart, Kathy. I saw her dark auburn hair that framed her face and tumbled in curls down to her shoulders. I saw the hint of mischievousness in her green eyes that I could lose myself within. I saw her cute turned up nose as an ornament above her mouth with the red full lips that was always smiling and giggling. Her rosy cheeks never needed makeup as did none of her face since her great beauty was such that using makeup would only diminish her natural look.

Kathy was the girl of my dreams. If I, as Monti, grew up to be like her, then it would be my dream come true. I was back again from the brink but it was a war that I was not winning. I feared what might happen in the future.