Starting College my way. A story of fiction by Symphony Simms.

Starting College my way. Chapter 6.

My Favorite Mistake. Monday September 9th after midnight.

I don’t want to talk about what Lawrence and I did on the front porch, save to say that we kept our clothes on and I had an out of body experience. It is true that I don’t have much experience at kissing but I really think Lawrence is a good kisser. I enjoyed myself anyway.

After I left Lawrence on the front porch I went back to my room. I didn’t see the girls and I guessed they had gone to bed. I needed to call Fiona. She answered after 3 rings.

“What time do you call this?”

“We need to talk. Something has happened.” I said.

“What can have happened already? I was with you this morning and you only went to orientations.”

“Listen, you know when that lady in ‘Angels Only’ was fitting me for a bra?”

“Yes.”

“She said I had breasts.”

“You’re sure,” Fiona asked.

“I remember what she said. It was only this morning. She said some people who come here don’t have any breast tissue at all, just like boys, but I did have real breast tissue, only they are small. She also said I have women’s nipples.”

“My goodness Leslie, we always thought you were different, but this.”

“I think maybe I should have been a girl all along. I had the most wonderful day. I really enjoy being a girl.”

“Have you really thought about this?”

“It seems obvious to me after spending the day as a girl, I don’t think I ever want to go back to being a boy,” I said. “There’s something else.”

“OK so what have you done now?”

“I kissed a boy.”

“Jesus Christ Leslie you have only been a girl for 5 minutes and you’re kissing boys already.”

“I only kissed one boy on the lips,” I said. “And one boy on the cheek.”

“This is serious Leslie; you are making life changing decisions. You have got to put more thought into it than this.”

“I have to go home and talk to Mom on the weekend. I am sure she will understand.” I said. “After all I was not much of a boy.”

“Don’t say that, you are a beautiful boy. We all love you so much.”

“Beautiful is not normally what you call a 19 year old boy. No one ever calls me handsome or rugged or tuff or any other adjective you associate with boys. As a boy I have been pretty much the runt of the family.”

“I have been wearing a dress for one day and I have lost count of the people who have called me pretty, and I have loved every minute of it. I got hit on by some really good looking guys.”

“So what happens to my brother?” Fiona asked.

“I am still here. I just wear dresses now. You can still call me Leslie only now we can swop dresses instead of me borrowing yours when you are not looking.”

“I feel like I am loosing something. I always had a brother. You are my best friend.”

“I will still be your best friend. I bet we will spend even more time together. We can go dress shopping and double dating and watch chick flicks together.”

“You have to go see a doctor.”

“Why? I feel fine.”

“Normal boys don’t just grow breasts. Maybe there is something wrong.”

“I know I thought about that, but it can’t be urgent. I don’t feel any different than I did yesterday.”

“But yesterday you were happy being a boy. I think that is a pretty radical change.”

“But everything about me feels right. I look at myself in the mirror and I see what I should have been all along. I feel like a girl.”

“I can’t help feeling apprehensive for you Leslie,” said Fiona, “but you sound so happy and positive that I can’t help feeling happy for you too. So tell me about the boy?”

“He is not like a boy. I was a boy. Lawrence is a man. He is about 5’-10” and broad shouldered and powerful, but very sweet and he is in my class. He is not nerdy at all.”

I explained how we met and how I later played at the Coffee Hutch and how he walked us back to the apartment.

“But it’s only 50 yards,” she said. “What happened in those 50 yards?”

“Well I kissed him on the cheek, took my guitar and ran upstairs. Then the girls told me he was downstairs waiting for an answer. I didn’t understand so I went down to see him.”

“When I got downstairs he was like this irresistible force that just couldn’t resist. I just had to kiss him. After a few moments then I realized I was kissing a boy and just about threw a fit. I ran upstairs to my room so angry with myself for being so stupid. The girls came to see me to find out what the problem was. I told them everything.”

Fiona was surprised. “So they must have told you that this was crazy and you can’t go around kissing men who think you are a girl?”

“No, not at all, they said everything would be OK if I took charge of my life and if this is what I really wanted then I should go for it.”

“That’s stupid talk Leslie. If the boy you are kissing knows you are a boy then you don’t have a problem, but that is not you’re situation.”

“But wait there’s more,” I said. “He stayed downstairs to find out what he had done wrong, so I went downstairs to apologize, that’s when he kissed me again. He had one hand around my waist and one had on my butt cheek and he swept me up like a rag doll. I could feel his penis against my stomach and if felt so much like this was meant to be.”

“Don’t be silly. It sounds like you have a crush on him. Your hormones are out of whack and you have lost control.”

“It also sounds really dangerous Leslie. He thinks you are a girl. If he finds out you are a boy he could get really mad.”

“I know Fiona but I was thinking, maybe I am not just a boy. Maybe there is a girl inside me that was just waiting to get out. Maybe I was supposed to be a girl but things just got mixed up and my body is a mistake.”

“You may think all those things may justify what you did, but that man has just kissed a boy when he was thinking he was kissing a girl. He could really go crazy.”

“You have to stop it Leslie. It is dangerous. I can tell you that if he finds out you are a boy and doesn’t like what you did to him, he could make your stay here untenable. You would have to leave in disgrace.”

“But it sounds like you’re not helping me Fiona.”

“I am trying to stop you from getting the shit beaten out of you Leslie.”

That comment gave me a ringing in my ear. I am not used to getting admonished by my sister Fiona.

“Tell me Leslie, before today, have you ever really kissed anyone before? Really? Like hands all over you like they want to suck you in and wrap themselves around you?”

“No,” was my simple but honest reply.

“Then I am not surprised that your first kiss seems to be a game changer. I remember when I went to a party at Megan’s house, I was sixteen. Do you remember Ross Brinkley?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“Well I thought I had been kissed before but that night we stood around the side of Megan’s house and he was all over me. He wasn’t just kissing me he was rubbing his hands around my waist and ribs and massaging me.”

“I actually came in my pants and he never when near my pants. Well he actually went near my pants but not in them. He had his hands all over my tits before I realized. I couldn’t stop him or just didn’t want to stop him.”

“In just two hours at that party I became infatuated with him. I thought that I couldn’t live without him. Later in the week I almost had to be restrained from going round to his house to talk to him.”

“I don’t ever remember you going out with Ross Brinkley.”

“That is the point Leslie. I never went out with him. I was just a girl at a party that he had some fun with for an hour or two. For days afterwards I couldn’t think of anything but him, but when I saw him in school he just said ‘Oh Hi’ and walked away, like we never really met. I was devastated for about a week, but I got over it.”

“You think that kissing Lawrence has messed me up so I can’t thing straight?”

“Yup!”

I was beginning to come down from the rush of kissing Lawrence.

“You mean this sensation I feel is not real?”

“Oh I am sure it’s real. I bet he made your world tremble, but don’t base any conclusions on one kiss.”

“You think I should go kiss some other guys?”

“No Leslie. I think you should let the effect of this one wear off before you make any dramatic conclusions about life and your future. It took 19 year to get to where you are now. Don't go planning the rest of your life based on the last 5 minutes.”

“I am in control a little more now,” I said. “It’s still fun being a girl.”

“I know,” She said. “I love you Leslie, regardless of whether you are my brother or my sister, and you will always be my best friend.”

“I will imagine you cuddled up next to me tonight and sleep better for it.” I said then we both hung up.

I was feeling very tired after a very long day so I took off my clothes and put on my nightie, cleaned my teeth, had a pee and went to bed. I remember waking briefly in the night for no reason other than my corset binding a little, but I generally just slept.

Tuesday September 10th.

In the morning I was dreaming of Fiona’s gentle touch and dreaming like I could feel her tits on my back and her arm around my waist. I held the arm around my waist against me and realized it was not Fiona. It was not Carla and I think the girl behind me was too tall to be MJ.

“Good Morning Angie,” I said guessing a who is was.

“Good Morning Leslie,” said Angie whispering only inches from my ear. “Are you feeling any different after your tongue wrestling exploits last night?”

“Oh yes I am definitely feeling different today. Last night I was telling Fiona that there was no possible way I could ever go back to being a boy again after yesterday.”

“I should hope not. I would never do this to you if you were a boy.”

“Was I that ugly?” I asked her.

“No you were definitely not ugly, but I am not the kind of girl who climbs into bed with a boy that I have only known for a week.”

“I am certainly glad I am a girl then,” I said, “because having cuddles like this from my girlfriends is certainly a wonderful way to start the day.”

I was certainly not going to tell her that she was a very beautiful woman and that she was giving me an erection by being so close to me. Sisters is one thing but Angie is gorgeous.

“So how come you are cuddling me today?” I asked. “Is everyone taking turns?”

“I thought you might need some comforting. I was assuming that kissing Lawrence again might have made you feel different or confused or something.” She said. “Anyway I wanted to see if you would wake up or stay asleep like Fiona said.”

“Why, how long have you been in my bed?” I asked.

“About fifteen minutes. You saying good morning actually woke me up from a light sleep. You are very comfortable to sleep up against. But you don’t sound upset at all,”

“I am not upset, although I haven’t thought about what happened last night this morning yet. I think it just sorted itself out while I was sleeping and I am OK with everything.” I assured her.

“I am almost disappointed,” she said. “I was thinking that you might need a comforting hug but I see that I am not needed,” she said as she used me to push herself up out of bed.

‘Bummer’ I said to myself. Even if I do feel OK I will always feel better with a hug. I guess some days we only get to feel so good.

“I am getting a shower.” She said as she strolled out of the room. She moved quickly and was just like a light breeze blowing out of the room.

After she showered so did I, separately unfortunately, and I started the task of rebuilding the girl that was Leslie. I used ladies deodorant and some talk under the places that would be covered by my corset.

I started adding the necessary undergarments but before I got too far I realized this was the first time I was doing this on my own without anyone waiting outside the door for me. My mind went back to a week ago when I was dressing for sexual gratification, or was I? I recapped those times in my mind.

There were times earlier in the year when I was on my own in our family house for the whole day. I would raid the closet that my sisters had set up for me for a dress, shoes and underwear etc. and just hang out.

I would have breakfast in a dress, play my guitar in a dress, go for walks around the house in a dress, text some of my buddies and make arrangements for Leslie the boy to do stuff as a boy, all while wearing a dress, and at some time during the day the sexual self-satisfaction part of the equation would reveal itself, but would never dominate.

Now as I am dressing up Leslie the girl for a day of college activities I find myself becoming aroused. But it’s not the same. Before this week my reality was that of a boy who never thought about being a full time girl, so my time in a dress was just a temporary diversion. Time wasted and forgotten.

Today I am looking at this predicament from several different perspectives at the same time. I don’t know how to order these perspectives as they jump into my reality randomly.

There is the boy Leslie from last week looking down and seeing himself dressing in pretty girls clothes and getting an erection. That Leslie is quickly becoming a previous evolution and while he pops up every little while, the others are hoping he will go away.

There is the mathematician Leslie who tries to solve each equation as is arises and adopts a solution, creates a path forward and goes for it. That is a backup characteristic that Leslie has that does not change between perspectives. Mathematician Leslie is neither male nor female.

Musician Leslie seems to change from male to female depending on the song that is playing in her head at the time, and there is always a song playing in Leslie’s head, except when the mathematician comes along and has a problem to solve.

Then there is the girl Leslie who wants to laugh, hug and be wrapped in pretty dresses. Being called pretty is the highlight of her day and this Leslie is becoming everyone’s favorite, of all the Leslies that is.

But it is Leslie the girl that is also the most vulnerable. The girl Leslie is the one who kissed Lawrence last night and is still bathing in the glow. But it is the girl Leslie who is fighting for acceptance and has to rely on the others to come and fight for her when she doesn’t know which way to go.

The girl Leslie didn’t understand that she actually had a voice until two days ago.

At this moment it is mathematician Leslie who is addressing the problem of ensuring that Leslie is well turned out and attractive but remembering how to apply make-up and put her pretty new hair style back to how it was last night.

The boy Leslie is getting in everyone’s way by looking over our shoulder and trying to catch a glimpse of a little cleavage or frilly panties.

The musician Leslie is playing a tune to entertain us all. This morning it’s the ‘Foo Fighters’ playing.

‘Easy for you to say, your heart has never been broken’

‘Your pride has never been stolen, not yet not yet’

‘One of these days, I bet your heart'll be broken’

‘I bet your pride'll be stolen, I bet I bet I bet I bet’

‘One of these days’

The girl Leslie is patiently waiting for everyone else to complete their jobs so she can go out and be pretty and find out if everyone is having as nice a day as she it.

I, including all my various parts and personalities, completed dressing and make-up etcetera and readied myself for breakfast with Dylan at 9am. Angie was drinking coffee and watching TV. We exchanged plans.

Angie had similar plans to me for today. Books and pre assignments were the order of the day. See had a mid-afternoon Engineering Faculty introduction meeting that she wanted to attend so although we might cross paths we didn’t plan to do anything together.

It seems MJ and Carla where already in class today and Angie had already eaten breakfast so I headed for the Coffee Hutch to see Dylan and maybe Rebecca.

When I got to the Coffee Hutch it was quiet inside with only two tables being used. I sat in my favorite table in the window and waited. In a moment Rebecca came in from the kitchen, noticed me and came over with coffee and a mug.

Rebecca came over, placed the Mug and Coffee on the table and gave me cheek kisses while holding my hands together on the table. Then she sat down next to me but turned towards me with our knees touching. She held my hands together and placed them on her knee, her green eyes sparkling as she spoke to me.

“You were wonderful last night Leslie. Everyone I have spoken to commented on the wonderful surprise of hearing you play. Dylan is so impressed that if he could he would ask you to play every night of the week.”

I sat and looked at her. I couldn’t help myself as I smiled while she was talking. Her eyes were so bright and cheerful they lifted my spirits even though I was already feeling good before I came in. She was absolutely stunning. I was wondering what I must have done in a previous life to be so gifted to be allowed to gaze into this woman’s eyes.

“You look radiant this morning,” she said to me. “You must have slept well I guess. It must be a wonderful feeling to be able to sing like you do and have people adore you?”

“I am just glad to make people happy,” I replied. “But what about you? You look wonderful today. Your eyes are really sparkly in the sunshine. I don’t think I have ever seen such amazing bright green eyes before.”

“Stop it Leslie you are embarrassing me.” She said as she poured me some coffee. “I can’t believe how a young girl like you can embarrass me like you do when so many have tried and failed.”

“I am not trying to embarrass you,” I said. “I am just saying what I feel. My nerdy mathematical brain just says what it thinks.”

“You are not a nerd,” she said. “You may have thought you were a nerd in the past but what I see before me is not a nerd, so get that out of your head. Do you want breakfast? I know that Dylan was wanting to cook for you.”

“Send him down,” I said. “Let him tell me what he can do for me”

Rebecca went back to the kitchen and very soon Dylan came back swashbuckling down the restaurant looking very pleased with himself. He grabbed for my hand.

“Wonderful to see you this morning Leslie,” and then a little hesitantly he said. “May I kiss you?”

“Sure,” I said. “Just don’t get carried away.”

He kissed my high on the cheek then sat down opposite me at the table.

“You look nice today Leslie. It’s nice to see you smiling. Last night although you did smile at the right times, I thought your performance was deliberate, professional and controlled. This morning you do not have the burden of performance upon you, therefore your smile is lighter and more natural.”

“You are so perceptive Dylan. You described my moods better than I can.”

“I think it is a trick I have learned being in the entertainment business for so long. I noticed that you projected so much confidence last night, I was wondering if it was because you find performing an easy task or do you hide your feelings well.”

“I don’t see it that way Dylan,” I said. “I have a part of me that is nervous, but I have another part that takes over and does not allow the nervousness to affect my performance.”

“Interesting,” said Dylan. “I have never heard anyone put it that way. Anyway, after hearing you last night I am really optimistic about this year.”

“Good to hear it,” I said. “I hope you don’t mind but my stomach is grumbling and I was really hoping to get some breakfast.”

“Ah yes, I was going to suggest something to you. I have a special supply of sage seasoned sausages and I serve them on a bagel with cheese. Can I tempt you with one? I serve it with fruit?”

“Sounds wonderful,” I said.

“Good,” he said as he grasped my hands that were resting on the table and shook them gently. He took off for the kitchen.

Just then my phone rang. It was Dawn.

“Hi Dawn, how is my beautiful sister,” I asked.

“I am OK Leslie. I was just in the area and I thought I might just drop in on you and see how College life is.”

Oh shit, what was she doing here?

“That’s not necessary Dawn and I am away deep in the college and won’t get out for hours.”

“Leslie I want to meet my new sister!”

News gets around fast. Fiona must have called her. The knots that had been forming in my stomach had disappeared to be replaced by a second set.

“Dawn I am asking you please be patient with me and cut me some slack.” I didn’t want Dawn’s manipulating personality spoiling my day that had started off so wonderfully.

“I love you and I am so sorry,” said Dawn. “I want to apologize for all the things we did to you as a child and the things I have been doing over the last few months.”

I could almost hear her tears down the phone. “Can I please meet my Sister?” she asked again.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“I am outside your apartment.” She said. I looked down the road and I could see her Subaru.

For a moment I wondered what to do but I really only had one choice. “Dawn, I am not at the apartment but I am just down the road. I am going to walk down the road to you.”

I had no choice. I had to go see her and face the consequences whatever they were. I just hoped she didn’t make a scene.

I got up and left. I knew I should have told Rebecca and Dylan but I would probably be back in a few minutes.

I watched Dawn get out of the car and she saw me. I was wearing a dress, heels and a woman’s hairstyle but I knew she would recognize me.

I knew I looked OK but I had no idea of what she would think, but her apology on the phone sounded authentic. As I got closer to her I could see she was struggling with tears. I got to 20 feet of her and she ran to me and burst out crying.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she said as she placed her chest on to of mine and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. I guess she must think that this is partially her fault.

“I’m just fine. There is no need to apologize to me.” I said trying to console her.

“I can’t believe I was so wrong. All of those times we dressed you as a girl must have really messed you up and I feel so guilty.”

“Honestly it was not your fault Dawn. I was built that way. I wanted to wear a dress every day that you let me. You didn’t mess me up.”

She released me from her grip but held me at arm’s length and looked at me. “I always thought you were beautiful as a boy buy I never thought you would be this pretty!”

“Guess I have good genes!” I said.

“You look a lot like Fiona. We always said you could be twin sisters.”

“I know. That used to sting a little when I was trying to be a boy, but now I take it as a complement. Are you gonna be OK now?” I asked.

“You don’t get rid of me that easily Leslie. I want to spend a little time with you.”

“I don’t want to get rid of Dawn, but a few minutes ago I ordered breakfast and I would like to eat it now. Are you hungry?”

“I am a little,” said Dawn. “When Fiona told me I just got in the car and drove here. I didn’t think about food, but I am hungry now.”

“OK so we are going to go back into the restaurant down the road. They don’t know that I used to be a boy and right now I don’t want them to know.”

“I’m OK with that. You can trust me,” said Dawn.

“Remember,” I said, “I never was a boy, ever.”

“I got it Leslie, really,” said Dawn.

Dawn held on to my arm as we walked back to the Coffee Hutch. “You are really pretty Leslie,” she said.”

“Thank you Dawn. That’s nice of you to say.”

“I am not just saying it,” said Dawn. “You are really pretty.”

I thanked her and reminded her that she needed to repair her make-up before we went into the restaurant.

Rebecca greeted me as we walked through the door. “Leslie we were worried. You just up and left we didn’t know where you had gone.”

“I am sorry for that,” I said. “My sister Dawn surprised me.”

“My fault,” said Dawn. “I came down to apologize for something I said. It was my fault.”

Dylan came walking down to speak to us.

“I am sorry for the missed step Dylan,” I said. “This is my sister Dawn who came down to meet me unexpectedly. Can Dawn share my sausage sandwich with me?”

I could see from the look in his eye he was pleased to meet her.

“Dawn I am very glad to meet you and there is no need to share. I will prepare a whole new batch for us all. Won’t take a few minutes.”

I reached over and touched Dylan’s arm. “Sorry to mess you up Dylan.” His arms were hairy like my Dad’s but blonde hairy. He seemed to appreciate the physical contact.

“Sausage?” said Dawn.

“I think these are special sausages Dawn,” I said. “Just go with it.”

Rebecca held her hand out to Dawn. “And I am Rebecca.”

“I am sorry Rebecca,” I said. “Rebecca and I only met two days ago but we are sure we are going to be close friends.”

“Yesterday,” said Rebecca.

“OMG yesterday,” I said. “I can’t believe we only met yesterday and I feel we are such good friends already.”

Rebecca and Dawn shook hands then Dawn hugged her. “If you are a close friend of my sister then you are a close friend of mine,” said Dawn. “I love my sister with all my heart.”

We were now alone in the restaurant. The 3 of us sat down at the window table then Rebecca realized that we didn’t have coffee and went up to get some.

Dawn reached across the table to hold my hands and look at me. “I am really sorry for those things I do Leslie. I couldn’t believe how guilty I felt when Fiona told me. “If there is any way to make this up to you?”

“Dawn I am fine honestly. I just love being a girl,” I said quietly to her. “I should have done this years ago.”

“So when are you going to tell Mom and Dad?’ She asked but I couldn’t answer because Rebecca came back with a pot of coffee to sit with us.

“So tell us about this boy you kissed last night Leslie,” asked Dawn.

I didn’t want that to come out in front of Rebecca but Dawn didn’t know that. I wasn’t sure if I had a relationship with Rebecca but I hoped so.

“That was nothing,” I said. “Just messing around. A mistake really.”

“But I know you have never kissed a boy before. Did you enjoy it?” said Dawn.

“It was nice for sure, but I have nothing to compare it with. I have never dated a boy or a girl for that matter.”

“I can’t believe that,” said Rebecca. “19 years old and looking as good as you do and you have never been on a date.”

I realized this was my time to tell the story about me being a tomboy like I told Connie and Caroline, so I told them.

“See here,” I showed them a picture on my iPhone. “This is of how I used to dress when I was a nerd or a tomboy as some would call it.”

“Sometime we would call her beautiful boy and refer to her as him. She just didn’t care,” said Dawn catching on really quickly.

“Amazing,” said Rebecca. “So what made you want to dress like a normal girl?”

“Well some boys that I had met told me that they thought I was a boy. I had always thought of myself as a girl and those words hurt me, so I decided to become the girl that my family wanted me to be.”

“And you have never dated?”

“Not once,” I said and Dawn shook her head in agreement.

At that time Dylan came down with the breakfast and it was delicious. The sausage with sage seasoning was excellent and it wasn’t a bit fatty so Dawn had no opportunity to complain.

The breakfast went well and Dawn and Rebecca exchanged phone numbers so they could both keep tabs on me.

After we ate Dylan and I apologized that this was actually a business meeting to discuss me playing here in the evenings. Dawn understood and said nothing, while Rebecca was an interested party who listened but did not contribute.

Dylan asked me to play Thursdays and Sundays for $200 per night with an extra bonus if we got over 80 people per night. Those days were the ones that suited me best. It allowed me to home on the weekend and have days during the week to study.

I asked about Fiona and he said that it was $200 per night for the act. One or 2 people is irrelevant. But if the two person act brings in more than 80 people then the bonus would be the reason to do it.

He also told me that my food etc, was free any day that I was playing. Staff privileges he called it. He said I brightened up the place anyway. I thanked him.

We shook on it, then we all realized that the day was hurrying along without us. It was hugs all round. Rebecca asked me to text her. Dawn and I walked back to the apartment.

I showed Dawn the apartment, but she really only wanted to hug me and apologize. We sat on my bed together and she held both of my hands.

“I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming,” she said. “When I did that stupid things debasing myself in front of you I thought your reaction was a typical boy and everything just confirmed the boy story.”

“But you are thinking of an either or scenario Dawn. It’s more complicated than that. I was born with boy bits and have boy hormones floating around in me. Those part reacted like you expected, but that was just the boy in me.”

“Other parts of me think like a girl and that part of me just turns off when the boy thing is happening.”

“So now I feel like I was adding to your conflict every time I pulled one of those stupid stunts.” Dawns head dropped again. I felt like she was going to cry again.

“You didn’t know that Dawn. Now that you know I am conflicted I know you won’t do it again.”

“I am so god dam sorry Leslie, I really am,” said Dawn holding my hands even firmer.

“Dawn please don’t go overboard with this. You didn’t know this was happening. I am not sure I knew it was happening till now. I want us all to go forward with this and not get caught up with the past.”

“So how are you going to tell Mom and Dad? If it would help I could talk to them.”

“I feel like it’s my job to tell them but I am sure I can’t just present myself for inspection looking like this. They would have a fit.”

“Then let me tell them Leslie and you can come up at the weekend and they can see you looking your best.”

“That makes it sound too simple Dawn.”

“But if I do this for you them maybe I can spare you from the initial scene and when they see you they will have had time to let it sink in. You would be able to have a more meaningful discussion with them.”

“That would be a lot better than just showing up in a dress with a damn the consequence attitude. At least I would be spared their initial shock but they wouldn’t.”

“Please let me do that for you,” said Dawn. “I feel it’s the least I can do.”

“OK,” I said. “But tell me when it’s going to happen so I can sit by the phone and wait for the call I am sure I will get.”

“So where does Rebecca fit into this?” Dawn asked.

“To tell you the truth I don’t really know. She has been so kind and helpful to me. From the first moment we met she has acted like my best friend, but it’s not as simple as that.”

“So give me the whole story,” said Dawn.

“To put it bluntly,” I said, “I am attracted to her and I think she is attracted to me.”

“I can understand you being attracted to her because of your boy bits and I see that she is quite stunning, but how come you think she is attracted to you?”

“Because of the things she says and the way she says them. But she kissed my hand twice.”

“That sounds really weird.”

“Yeh I know. Last night I went to say good night after the show and while we were in private she kissed the palm of my hand. I went weak at the knees.”

“My goodness,” said dawn, “that kind of signal is usually positive and unmistakable. Do you think she is lesbian and wants you? The girl you that is”

“That’s all I can think of.”

“Then I go and tell her that you kissed a boy last night.”

“I noticed. I didn’t know how that was going to play out.”

“So what about the boy,” asked Dawn.

“After taking to Fiona last night, I think it was just me experimenting. I wanted to find out what it was like to kiss a boy.”

“So what was it like?”

“It was heavenly, but I have never been kissed before. Now that I reflect on how I feel about it, I realize that I am just messed up right now and whatever I feel is hormones and a reaction to the sensation of someone’s lips on mine.”

“I am so amazed that you are so calm and analytical towards these huge life changing things that are happening to you. The first time I seriously kissed a boy I was like in a zombie state with my hands out in front of me shouting ‘give me more, give me more’.”

We both laughed about that.

“I was like that for about half an hour,” I told Dawn, “but then Fiona burst my bubble and explained the hormone overload.”

“How mean,” said Dawn, “at least she could have given you a day to bask in the glow!”

“Yes but she reminded me that I was still actually a boy kissing another boy, and he thought I was a girl. If he found out things could get ugly in a hurry.”

“I never thought of that,” she said. “So where does that leave you and what will you do about him?”

“Well she is obviously right. Before I kiss anyone else I need to tell them who I am.”

“So are you going to tell him?”

“No possible way.” I said. “I am not ready for that, but I have to tell him I can’t see him anymore.”

“But he is in your class. You will probably have to see him every day.”

“Since when has life been easy?” I asked.

I explained to Dawn that I had to go do my college stuff. She understood and she told me that she was a lot more comfortable now than when she arrived, but she was still very apologetic.

I don’t think I had ever felt more connected with my sister Dawn before. Shame it had to be a ’family emergency’ for it to come out.

So Dawn got herself together and fixed her make-up again before giving me more hugs. I watched her from the driveway as she drove away. I knew she was always an emotional girl and she would probably cry all the way home.

I texted Fiona about the gig at the Coffee Hutch tomorrow and she said she would be there. Then I texted her to thank her for telling Dawn and she said ‘you’re welcome’. I thought it should have been more of an apology.

Then I emailed Dawn to ask her not to tell Mom and Dad till Thursday night or Friday morning and I would make my way home after class Friday after school, maybe 7pm. I didn’t know if she could handle that but I guess I would find out.

Then I texted Rebecca to say I was going to the college book store to get my books and my pre-assignment that had been sitting in the registration office since Friday when I forgot to pick it up.

Rebecca said she had run out of time and wouldn’t be able to see me till this evening.

I told her I have to do my pre assignment before my first class tomorrow morning at 9am so I didn’t know if I would make it out of the apartment.

She said she would see me tomorrow.

‘Bummer’ I thought to myself. I guess this is when the real work of college begins.

I got into the Honda and drove over to the college bookstore because I was guessing my books could be heavy. I knew there were places I could get used books and last year’s editions etc. but I had a credit card from my dad and he could afford it.

I searched around the bookstore and found all of my books. This is going to be easier than I thought. I had been told stories about not having books in stock and having to find them on line and such but I was lucky.

I went to the pay for the books and the lady totaled it up. Nearly $650 in books. They were so heavy that I knew I would have to take them to the car in two loads. I handed her my credit card.

“Can I have your ID,” she said. I gave her my student card.

“I can’t take that,” she said. “I need something government issued.”

I hadn’t thought of that. I was not just going to give her my driver’s license because it said male. I knew I didn’t have $650 left in my own account because I had spent too much money on clothes.

I didn’t know what to do and was having problems thinking straight. This bookstore was beginning to feel like an unfriendly alien environment. I decided to leave.

“I will have to get back to you,” I said and went to walk out.

“You can’t leave those here; you have to put them back.”

Now I was angry. I gritted my teeth and went back to pick the books up off the counter, and look who was standing by the counter but Lawrence. Just what I didn’t need.

“Can I help you with those,” said Lawrence. “Do you need them taken to your car?”

“No,” I said with just a twinge of frustration in my voice. “I have to put them back.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“My credit card wouldn’t work.”

“I only needed to see your driver’s license,” said the woman behind the counter.

“Why won’t you show her your driver’s license Leslie?”

“Because I don’t have it with me.” By now I was raising my voice.

I tried to pick the books up and Lawrence tried to reach for them. I tried to pull away from him but the top book flew off and hit the floor.

The woman from the counter was over like a shot.

“If you have damaged any of the then you will have to pay for them,” she said.

The one that I dropped had damage on the corners.

“But you won’t take my credit card.” I snapped at her.

“It’s not my fault you don’t carry your drivers license. You are supposed to carry ID by law.”

‘Fucking ID’ I thought to myself. Why didn’t I think of ID? I needed to get past this and get my pre-assignment competed. Then I realized that my debit must have some cash left on it.

“You don’t need ID for debit do you?”

“No.” She said.

“So I will take this one I damaged.” A Friendly Introduction to Number Theory, J.H. Silverman. Not my favorite subject but it was on the list. Then I looked for the algebra book which was my pre assignment. Linear Algebra and Its Applications, David C. Lay. “And I will take this one.” Damn it that one was heavy. I put the two books down in front of her and handed her my debit card.

She wasn’t pleased to help me but I was in a stinking mood now.

She offered me the machine and I paid. Then I tried to leave with my books. I bounced open the door and started to run up the steps.

“Hey hold up Leslie, wait for me,” said Lawrence from behind me.

I turned to Lawrence and said “I’m sorry Lawrence but I don’t have time for you right now.”

He said. “But what about last night, I thought we had something special.”

Then I said out loud, “It was a mistake Lawrence, just a big mistake.” Then I could feel I was going to burst out in tears and so I ran away from him.

I got in my car and just drove away. He was standing there just where I left him, looking at me with his mouth open, arms out wide and his palms facing me. I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop.

When you see me walk on by
Did it ever make you cry?
You’re my favorite mistake
Sheryl Crow