How I wonder What You Are

I spent at least an hour laying there in bed thinking about all this before Pam returned finding my eyes closed as I contemplated my fate. Some of the lights were on so she began preparing for bed and finally shut off the lights going to her own bed. I guess she thought I was asleep as she didn’t say anything and had only whispered my name a couple of times when she first came in.

 © 2010 by Lilith Langtree & Rénae Dáºmas. This work may not be replicated or presented in whole or in part by any means electronic or otherwise without the express consent of the work’s Owner (copyright holder), with the exception of the private and non-commercial viewing by the reader who is also the end purchaser. ALL Rights Reserved, including but not limited to ownership of Characters, final content decision, and more. This is a work of Fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real people or incidents past, present or future is purely coincidental. Any and all images which may be shown within this work are taken through license under Corel with the exception of the title image which is Photo Credit to Irina Sheik. No affiliations, involvement or gender assignations through the use of these or any images of the subject or subjects contained within those posted images is to be implied, intended or inferred.
An Aldoennetti & Langtree Original.

I don’t know how long I lay there thinking but it was a while. I was stuck thinking before she returned, then the entire time she prepared for bed, and however long it took before she went to sleep. Her breathing gradually became slower and shallower so I know she’s asleep. My mind, on the other hand, is still going a mile a minute and won’t allow me to sleep or, at least, if I’m sleeping then my mind is awake. I don’t know how I’m ever going to resolve this issue. It must happen though so I can ‘have a life’. Maybe if I look toward the future... What kind of life could I have as a male? My shape would necessarily cause me problems just as it always has unless the doctors could do something about it to make me look more masculine. That might likely require a lot of very invasive surgical changes to my body. Even then I could not have children.

Okay then, what if I become a woman... Well, I can’t, but I mean what if I look like a woman. I’m nearly there and all they would need to do is remove that outside stuff and fix whatever it is they said was incomplete inside me. I could have sex but once again... no children. I’m fucked either way. Becoming a woman would be a little easier if I’m understanding all this stuff correctly but do I want that? After all I’ve just spent over ten years trying to become more masculine and seven trying to understand why dad seemed angry at me all the time. If I switch to being a woman then I can’t ever go home.

If we look at my past, I’ve been living as a male. Even now, I’m not living as a female but as a male who looks like a female. What would be different? If I was a female that looks like a female, what would I do that’s different from the way I’m doing it now?

I think I would have had a very different childhood. I also would have had much more time to learn to be a woman and to hone my skills. I would have learned how to ask men to do things for me without promising them anything. I would have learned how I should act in hundreds of different situations without giving myself away as being something I’m not supposed to be. I wonder if the ‘farm’ could give me training in that? I’ll ask Tanner tomorrow. If I’m going to be a female spy then I need to be completely convincing... As a female I mean, not as a spy. Well - yes, as a spy too. Er... I mean... Oh crap... you know what I mean.

I continued to think during what seems like all night. I don’t know if I ever slept since I opened my eyes to the morning call only to discover I was still thinking. I think my headache is worse.

“Oh! Please close those curtains, Pam.”

“Oh, have a hang-over do we?”

“No. Just a terrible headache.”

“I was going to say, I didn’t see you drinking anything. Why the headache?”

“Personal problems.”

“That time of the mo... Oh, sorry. I guess it wouldn’t be that. What’s wrong? Anything I can do to help?”

“Not unless you have a magic wand which can change my past as well as my present and future.”

“Change your past?”

“Yes and either make it good for me as a boy or cause me to have been a girl from birth.”

“Oh. I see. I never really knew you as a boy but you make a really sweet young woman. I’m sorry, but I can’t imagine you as a boy other than the few times I saw you at Tanner’s studio but even then I thought you were a girl who was trying to be butch. No offense intended.”

“None taken, Pam. It’s just my life has been so difficult and now I’m earning enough money to sometime maybe be able to do something about it but I need to decide which way to go. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for years but now that I’m earning the money to maybe really do something about it I can’t make a decision. All my life I’ve been trying to be a boy even though I’ve been getting pounded for looking like a girl. Looking like a girl isn’t my fault but everyone acted like it was. I guess they thought because I looked this way then that meant that I was trying to be a girl. Other than a few times to try and see if people would accept me as a female, it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I really began to dress like a girl and that was caused by a rainstorm. Now, I keep looking around so I may avoid anyone who could be waiting to pound me into the ground again. If I decide to become a woman, what will that mean, and will I be accepted? It’s one thing to do this for a short time and something else entirely to begin living the rest of my life as a girl.”

“But aren’t you doing that now, Kat?”

“Not exactly. I still think of myself as a male but acting female and wearing feminine clothing. What I wonder about is how people will accept me if I think of myself as a girl. Will they see me as a girl or will they always see a boy who is trying to be a girl? Or the other way around, if I decide to be a boy the rest of my life. Will they see a boy or will they see a weird girl who is trying to act like a boy? Either way I get killed.”

“I understand to a limited degree. What would happen if you don’t give a damn about other people and instead become one or the other for yourself? You must live with your final decision the rest of your life. Which would you rather be?”

I think about that some more finally answering, “I don’t know. I’m so afraid I’ll make the wrong choice and end up looking like something which I can’t accept as being really me. I wish I could see the future to see how I would be accepted as I grow older. What if I choose being a girl and then twenty years from now suddenly fill out as a guy? Or the other way around?”

“I think the first thing to decide is who you are. What do you like to do? With whom do you like to associate? If you had to spend eternity as someone and you could be anyone, then who would it be? Don’t make your selection based upon your past but on the future instead. If you could be anyone, famous or not, who would you be and why? Would you be good at it and would others be likely to accept you in that role? I imagine there would be many other questions as well but I think the future is the place to be looking and not the past. What’s done, is done.

What is to come may be honey or it may be hailstones. You must choose the path you think will be the most likely to follow the honey. Life never does that without a few ventures into the other side but the majority is that which should concern you. Could you have a fulfilling life as a male? Or would it be better as a female? Which stands the greatest chance of providing you with what you want from life? Who do you feel you really are or could be?”

She turns away from me, “I’m probably not being very helpful. It isn’t as if you haven’t probably asked yourself these questions every day. I’m sorry I’m not much help.”

“You have been, Pam. True, I’ve thought about a lot of that before but I’ve almost always been thinking of the past not the future. Thanks...”

Someone begins pounding on our door, “Hey you two. It’s breakfast, shake a leg.”

We begin rushing around trying to get ready to go out for another day of fun and games.
~O~

Pam and I made it downstairs in time to have at least a little to eat before we all began running around to do the first of the promotional stills.

We also took our little cameras with us and just as before, the two of us collectively are taking nearly as many photos as is Tanner. This occasionally attracts a little attention but mostly it is people whom I suppose are wondering if we are famous models and who are seemingly disappointed that they cannot decide about that. Sometimes we are also the subjects of tourist’s photos. At least I think they’re tourists. Tourists taking photos of tourists taking photos. It’s all very exciting and very strange. I’m having a wonderful time now and again trying to understand some of the people we meet since their accent is so thick I can barely understand them even though I believe they are speaking English (probably better than am I). The five days go quickly, or not quickly enough, depending upon my mental gymnastics, as the time to return to the U.S. looms closer and closer.

After a particularly long day, Tan and I were having supper together at the hotel restaurant while we discussed some of the things which have been occupying my mind so much of late.

“Will I be going to the ‘Farm’ to learn photography? Pam would like to go through the course, too.”

“Uh... Kat, this isn’t a normal photography course. This will teach you to take better photos but it will also teach you how to compose your shots so you include a lot of what needs to be learned as well as the cover material. Most of what you would be shooting really wouldn’t be very sensitive so it would be more of ‘the lay of the land’ sort of thing.”

“Would the photos be something I could put in my scrapbook as we go around the world?”

“Well... Yeah, I suppose so. It would teach you to take photos which are better composed so your scrapbook would look more professional. I suppose you would take fewer more composed photos than just taking pictures of everything you see.”

“That nasty man doesn’t teach the course does he?”

“Nasty??? Oh...” he chuckles, “No he doesn’t teach that one. I think you would also probably need self defense and some shooting as well.”

“I should think so, especially before I have one of his classes.”

“That’s not what I meant, Kat.”

As I think about receiving self defense training, I may see myself as a mass of bruises all with the caveat that it is training rather than a beating. A rose by any other name...

“My father doesn’t teach the self-defense course does he?”

“Your father??? OH... No he doesn’t. It really is learning self-defense Kat. Broken bones only occur as a result of an accident and not as a matter of course. In your case the instructors will also be told that you have a number of improperly healed injuries so they will be more careful. If you had known this stuff when your father was beating you then he would have learned to stop in short order.”

“Or killed me in my sleep more likely.”

“Was it really that bad?” He puts his hand on mine and looks at me with concern in his eyes. I’m beginning to think he really means it.

“Tan, even now I can feel the bones snap.” as I shiver at the thought.

“Kat, I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am you went through all that.”

“When would I begin the courses and how long do they take?”

“I can probably get you into the first one in about a month. They are nearly nine months in length but may be spread out over several years to fit in with whatever schedule you need to be following. Although you would need to take them in four to six week increments.”

“So how long before I’m able to defend myself?”

“Against most people, you would be in a good position after your first six weeks. Against someone with similar training you probably would need the whole 40 weeks. Again, that would be in four to six week increments. If, due to an intervening assignment, you don’t finish an increment then you repeat it when you return from whatever assignment took you away.”

“So I would be looking at a year or two of bruises which could affect my opportunities to model and earn money. I bruise easily.”

“I see what you mean. That could be a bit of a problem. I would need to check into it to see what could be done to minimize bruising.”

“Would I have any time for myself?”

“Lot’s of it.”

“So if they have horses I could also learn to ride?”

“Yes... I still haven’t checked on the horses, though.”

“Is there any way they might have some courses which I could use toward college credit? Maybe begin to slowly get my general classes out of the way?”

“There is a lot of that but many of the courses are taught at a university and not at the ‘Farm’. You could go all the way through your Bachelor’s and much of a Masters and spend only about two years on campus. It could all fit in between your assignments.”

I begin thinking about the languages Tan has me learning, “Could I receive course credits for the languages I’m learning?”

“Probably, although limited in nature. Still, if you become good at them then you could possibly receive a couple of semesters credit for each language.”

“Even if I learn each stage of the language in less than a semester?”

“All you need to do is test through the course and if you do better than 88% you get the credit. The agency requires all of it’s personnel to maintain better than a 3.5 average. That’s out of 4.0 for the top.”

“It’s beginning to sound interesting. What about tuition? What does it cost me?”

“Maintain the average, especially in languages, and the agency pays your fare.”

This is sounding better and better.

“And if I take several courses for the semester with only one as a language?”

“Maintain your average especially in the language and the tuition is paid. So are any books or other materials you need.”

I LIKE IT.

“How do I sign up?”

“Uh... Kat, it isn’t quite that easy.”

I knew there had to be a catch.

“Then what’s the catch?”

Tanner begins to hem and haw. As I decide he is trying to weasel out of the hole he dug for himself he begins to explain.

“Kat, remember they gave you a medical exam and some tests?”

“Yes. So?”

“So... you... would... havetobeagirl,” he explains the last few words like a machine gun spitting out bullets.

“I would wha... Oh. So what else is new?”

“Uh... no. I mean you would need to be a girl.”

“Yeah. That’s what you just sai... Oh! You mean permanently?”

“Uhmm. Yeah.” He backs up a step as though he’s afraid I’m going to slap him again.

“Okay... So could I get into the program if I became a girl?”

“I think I could probably guarantee that. And, if not, then you could still receive some of the training we had talked about and continue as a model but taking pictures as well. We might even do some of the things you were thinking about for additional income as well as for the ‘spying’.” He used two fingers of each hand to form quotation marks as he said, ‘spying’. “Getting into some of the restricted areas to take photos or movies might be a bit of a trip but if it could be done then we could earn additional income from both endeavors. You definitely wouldn’t go hungry.”

“Could we still always work together as a team even if I do become a woman and go in for training?”

I hear him nearly whisper what I think was, “I hope so” but it could just as easily have been “I don’t know.” just before he says in a normal voice, “I think that could likely be arranged. Perhaps even as husband and wife.”

“I don’t think I could do that unless we really were... husband and wife I mean. And not like in the movies where they are married for the duration of the assignment and then go their separate ways. I mean for real, permanently, although you might take some getting used to.”

“Me?” he squeals jabbing his finger into his chest as his voice becomes a low octave bellow.

“Yes, you. I’ve been a perfect lady all during this tour but you have been a bit difficult.”

“Me? Difficult?”

“Yes, you.” I bat my eyelashes at him and he reacts with the expected bluster and posturing before figuring out that I’m baiting him.

Shaking his head at me, “You need to be careful who you try that on, my dear Kat. Someone might take you up on it.”

“Oh? Like who?”

“Me for starters.” He grabs me and pulls me closer as I squeal and the next thing I know he is holding me tight and we are kissing.

I struggle to get away for perhaps all of five seconds before succumbing and giving as good as I receive. The best part of making up is Tanner in my cup. I begin to break away from the kiss as I try to figure out where that thought came from and what it really might mean when I decide I like it and am right back at it. Hell, I may as well get some benefits from wearing his engagement ring.

I’m just beginning to really become comfortable with this as he begins to break it off. Isn’t that just like a man? I mean, he wants to do the whole deed right now, his way, but when the girl begins to respond and take the lead then he breaks off the attack. I need a cold shower.

“Tan. I’ve got to go and wash my hair. It needs to be clean tomorrow as we will be doing a lot of style changes. Further, all the spray Irina used on me today needs to be washed out.”

He snaps his fingers, “Damn. Just when I was beginning to enjoy our engagement.”

“Sorry. You don’t get to sample the goods until we are married.”

“I could have a preacher here in the morning.”

“I’m sure you could. But I won’t get married to you until I’m complete as a girl.”

“How exactly do you mean that?”

“Just like I said.”

Frustrated, he whines, “You know, you’re getting this female thing down pat. You leave me just as confused as any other woman would.”

I smile at him, “And we don’t even need to go through any special training to develop the skill.”

He looks at me with a little frown as I turn and walk away turning back at the door to give him a two finger wave before going into my room. He looked like he was trying to decide exactly what I said. ‘Good Luck’. I’m not even certain exactly what I meant when I said it. Except... I think I included myself with the other women.

I entered the room and locked it again finding Pam brushing her hair having finished her shower.

“I’ll brush yours if you’ll brush mine after my shower,” I offer.

“Deal.”

I put my blazer and skirt away, toss my shoes (carefully) then go over and begin administering to her hair. As I work at it I think about all the people who likely have no idea what it takes to be a model and to be beautiful all the time. They probably would say we are pampered as they look at all the people necessary to keep us looking beautiful for the cameras. Certainly, three to four hours a day is spent to keep our complexion, hair, and body beautiful just so we can be a clothes horse. We get up in the morning and immediately begin trying to be beautiful. At every break in the shooting we are again working at it, then when the day ends we still have an hour or two we need to put in so we may appear just perfect for the camera the following day.

I’m being paid twelve thousand for this five weeks with just under five thousand of that for St. Petersburg alone but when you figure it’s thirty eight days including travel time at nearly seventeen hours a day; that means I’m taking home about twelve dollars forty five cents an hour with no medical or other benefits. Of course I’m one of the lucky ones because Tanner has group medical for his models, but most don’t. Still the idea of perhaps becoming a highly paid fashion model really hasn’t come home to me as yet. Perhaps after a couple of years I may make it into the forty or fifty dollar an hour category. Then there are the intervals during which I’m not working and must still pay out money to keep my looks so I may work when it comes along. It’s a rough business. No wonder Pam was so happy Tanner took her back without squabbling about new arrangements.

It isn’t until well after we finish preparing for bed and are asleep that my conversation with Tanner comes home to roost. I awaken sitting bolt upright in bed with the thought that I as good as said I’ll become a girl. That begins me thinking and worrying. I don’t know if I slept much after that but I really wasn’t looking forward to the wake-up call at five after receiving only a part of my potential six hours sleep.

I need to come to terms with all this sometime soon. It would be wonderful to have a little more peace of mind so I might actually sleep during my allotted hours for that endeavor.

~O~
After the phone went off with our wake up call, I peeled myself off the ceiling as Pam made tracks for the bathroom. Beginning to get things out so I may dress quickly once I have my opportunity to visit that little room, I make my mad dash the moment she exited. We have this down to a routine and have both come to grips with doing everything necessary with a minimum of time and fuss. I need to dampen my hair just a little and brush it out again. I must have slept on my head during the night. We are both ready to go join the others for our short journey to breakfast before we once again have a long day shooting.

During the day we find ourselves back at the airport where we use one of waiting areas for a backdrop with all the aircraft vying for space to unload and load passengers. We are dressed in business suits, pant suits and casual clothing to reflect passengers waiting to board. Security has two people here just to keep us honest and they move us several times as aircraft are due to arrive at our location and we don’t want to inconvenience them nor allow them to do so to us.

The next two days are fun and the last day we actually have an opportunity to take a tour in the morning before preparing to return to the airport once again so we may return to the U.S. again. I filled my memory card and managed to download it all to my notebook before we packed out of the hotel.

During our return flight I suddenly remembered I was due to return several days ago so I ask Pam, “would you mind my sitting with Tan for a few minutes so I may talk with him about something?”

“Not at all, I’ll go back and ask him to come sit with you.”

A minute later Tan and I are deep in discussion.

“No Kat. No one met the plane. It may have been a false alarm or the arrival of Elaine early may have caused him to abandon the whole thing for the time being. I doubt we will know. I wouldn’t relax though.”

“I agree. Now on to other things. I still have not made up my mind about the training or the other important consideration which has been bothering me these past weeks. I think I need a little more time to make up my mind.”

“And just how much time do you think you need?”

“I don’t know. I’ve only been thinking about it for seventeen years on the other foot and now I’m supposed to make a decision with only eight weeks on this one?”

His face takes on understanding, “I could easily see how it might be a little soon to be deciding but I’m afraid I’ll need a commitment one way or the other much sooner than another seventeen years. Preferably within three weeks.”

“Three weeks?” I’m incredulous, “Why so quickly?”

“Because by that time I need to decide if I’m going to continue in this business or hand everyone over to some other agency. I explained before, if you’ll recall.”

“Yes. I do believe I remember you mentioning something along that line.” I reply sarcastically. “However, I was under the impression that you could take a little more time.”

“I’m afraid not. Tony needs my decision within the month so they may begin to make appropriate arrangements, and I would like your decision so I know if I should include you in the decisions.”

“Oh. So I need to decide soon then? What makes you think I can make that decision within three weeks when I haven’t been able to make it in the past many years?”

“I’m hoping the introduction of a new player into your life as well as the success you have had these past eight weeks will sway your decision.”

“New player? What are you talking about?”

He looks at me as though I have taken a knife and thrust it into his heart. I just begin to comprehend what he means when he finally points to himself, “Moi.”

Now I do have a lot more to think about. I start fiddling with his engagement ring on my finger taking it off and feeling undressed then putting it on again over and over with him looking at me like he’s afraid to breathe.

I finally take it off and reach over placing it into his hand, “Would you ask me, instead of just putting it on my finger?”

“How are you going to reply?”

“You’ll never know unless you ask.”

He looks like he’s afraid I’m going to bite his head off.

“Okay, may I put it on your finger?”

I look at him like he’s gone stark raving mad and break out in tears.

“What kind of a question is that to ask a girl? You don’t even know the right question to ask?”

At least he catches on quickly, “Katrina, will you marry me?”

My tears increase and I choke up so badly I can’t answer. All I can do is hold out my hand and nod yes.

He gently puts the ring back onto my finger and I feel complete again. My arms go around his neck as I turn enough to him that we may kiss. He whispers into my ear, “So, I take it you intend to become a woman so when we are married we may consummate our marriage?”

to be continued